Original subtitles

Of course you can.

Are you wearing that see -through blouse about me?

Like you asked me.

Oh, yeah.

And like you said, I'm not wearing a bra underneath that.

Well, come in, then.

never know how a rose can look so sweet and pure and hold its head up high

when it's standing in manure or why they say all brides are beautiful each and

every one if this is true then where do all the ugly wives come from I'll

never know

Hey, don't throw your faggots down the loo, cause it isn't right.

It'll make them wet and soggy and impossible to light. Another sign said

her into flora and she will feel like a queen.

But who can get romantic over a packet of margarine? I'll let you know.

I came round your house for my birthday.

The cake that I bought wasn't bad.

I liked the 28 candles that were on the spice that I had.

I knew that the fella as clever as you was destined for flame and for wealth.

Because I crossed a duck with a banjo and got a bird that...

adolescent fool.

Then the door first opened. She stood there with all of me mates from the

And we all sang happy birthday to you. And all I had on was me socks.

new rent collector.

He got the wind up the very first day.

He said, Bob is the man of the buildings with a pitchfork barring my way. His

boss said, but all of my tenants are very high class and well -read. Now he

probably holding a pitchfork because he'd been making his bed.

I know it's true.

I know it's right.

It's in the papers.

It's black and white.

Now little Jimmy sat by the roadside.

He was crying one summer's day.

Why do you cry, young Jimmy? An old man was hurt to say.

Cause I can't do what the big boys do. That's why I cried to Jim.

Move over, then, said the old man.

And he sat down and cried with him. I know it's true.

I know it's right.

It's in the papers.

In black and white.

Oh!

Go!

Why not? This place is haunted.

Haunted? Who by?

You!

Introducing Susan Tamsham, Irving Cruddy, Willie Treader, And Patty

Bottom as the Kirkdale clan in The Herd.

Duck!

Duck!

Duck!

What the hell's he yelling duck for?

Supposed to say whore, not duck.

Why the hell does he keep shouting duck?

Your poor best gonna be dead. If not, I'll be back in time here.

Okay, Biff.

Two beers.

That'll be ten dollars.

Ten dollars?

Gee, what are them for?

For?

You've seen double already.

No, I mean that round your neck. What the heck's that?

That's my necklace. Why?

Well, everything's a damned high around here. I thought it was your daughter.

There is a bus leaving in ten minutes.

Be under it.

Hey, honey, why don't I take you out one night?

Oh, great.

I'll wear my hop -along chastity belt.

Say, why don't we take those two out tonight?

Oh, can't tonight.

I've got to go to my grand... Happy 104th birthday party.

Your grandpappy's still alive at 104?

No, he died at 50, but we just like to celebrate.

Is anybody going to be there tonight?

I'll go find out for you.

Would you look at the invitation list and let me know if Ellie Mae has been

invited? Well, let me see now.

This looks like it.

Well, is there a name on it?

I can't rightly tell.

I don't have my reading glasses.

Well, give it to me. Let me have a look.

Yes, sir.

Now take off all my underthings.

Yes, sir.

And don't ever let me catch you wearing my clothes again.

You're going to be some party.

Look, honey, all I said was you want to come up to my room and hear my records.

Now that's innocent.

you put your clothes on and come down.

Has the Padre gone yet?

He's gone, but it wasn't the Padre. It was the doctor.

I thought he was a bit damn familiar.

No, the doctor told you to rest.

He said you've got a cute angina.

I've got a cute belly button.

What the hell's that got to do with the price of meat?

Now, go get my guest. I'm going down.

Having a party and nothing about me. I've never heard of that thing in our

dang life. There's a lot of it about.

Drink, sir?

Well, I really do think I should.

I've had six already.

You've had eight, Henry, but who's counting?

Where's Eliza? Where's the who, Eliza?

Where's Eliza?

It's a sort of bag that tells you when you've had too much to drink.

Don't you have it over here?

Yeah, Harry, but over here it's called a wife.

My name is Patricia.

Now, I don't mind you calling me Pat, or Girl Pat, or even Cowgirl Pat,

but you call me Cow Pat just one more time, and I'm going to forget that I'm a

lady and kick you right in the nuts.

I mean, look at you. I think better heads on a glass of beer.

Say those three little words, that'll have me walking on air.

Go hang yourself.

Begin to recover on your 14 carats yacht.

What?

What?

I mean, I've been around, you know what I mean?

Okay, I understand.

You want to have dinner first.

That's okay.

I'll see you around about 11 o 'clock.

I'm sorry, really.

I have other plans for tonight.

More important than spending the night with Superstud?

Oh, come on. What the hell are you doing that's so damn important?

I'm chairing a meeting to decide who's going to be made redundant here.

I don't want you to think that I'm the sort of person who would coerce a

well, a fellow employee, you know what I mean, or even a superior, because

that's not my bag at all. I mean, I'm not your average run -of -the -mill male

chauvinist pig, you know.

I respect women. I really do. I think women should not take it lying down. I

take it lying down. I mean, I mean that women should have rights. I really think

that women have to have rights.

And they stand up for those rights. And I'm going to fight to the death, you

know, to respect those women's rights.

You know, they say, what's it like, what's it really like being an

sex symbol?

And they say, it must be a lot of fun. And I say, well, not necessarily.

I mean, there are times that you could see me and you wouldn't think it was a

lot of fun when I'm sort of banging away at my typewriter, trying to finish

the script for the show in time, trying to keep awake sometimes until half past

three, four o 'clock in the afternoon.

I bet you get plenty of OB Joyful, eh, Ben?

I bet you get your share, eh? I bet you and them birds are at it like knives.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have been working with dancers since I was 16

That's 30 years.

Nearly.

And I can say in all honesty, with my hand on my heart, that I have never once

laid a hand on one of those girls.

I think her name was Sandra.

I suppose after the show in your spacious dressing room you have big

champagne parties.

Spacious dressing room?

That room is so small the RSPCA condemned it.

They said there wasn't room to swing a cat in it.

If somebody comes in quickly the door handle either insults you or injures

Depending on which way you're facing.

There's one chair in the...

It's not a bent wood chair. It's a bent wood chair.

It's walked by the damp.

They caught a trout in the mousetrap last week.

There is one lamp, a naked lamp, hanging from the ceiling like a cow's udder,

only not so bright.

I didn't know you could get three -watt bulbs.

Next door in the gents, there is no bulb at all and hasn't been for the... last

three shows can you imagine what it's like standing there holding a lighted

match in one hand and holding your breath

as you feel your way around the wall to the appointed place you always know when

you're at the appointed place there's a sign it says thames television we aim to

please underneath someone's written will you aim to please

I always tell a man who works at Thames, mould his shoes in a rusty zip.

Think about it.

The man who thinks he's the director says, why don't you use the ladies? We

do. But be careful, there's no locks on the door.

I said, well, what do you do? He said, well, you sit down, put your foot

the door and hold it.

in the world where the door opens outward.

I'll never be able to look Thorough Heard in the face again.

But of course, it does have a slight aside, and I was invited to a festival

recently, a festival of dubbed and subtitled television shows, and some of

translations you just wouldn't believe.

Out of Sight, Out of Mind came out as Short -Sighted People are Hotties.

He was bent on seeing her.

came out as the sight of her doubling him up.

And the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak was translated as the whiskey's

all right, don't order the steak.

Anyway, here are one or two versions of some well -loved shows.

I borrowed 200 crowns from the doctor for the least amount of drugs.

I don't have any more.

Three mantis.

Two atheists.

I can understand how hard it is to find them. To

find them. To find them.

The only thing I love is when the world is in my eyes.

Getting positive.

It's a book in the chest.

Come here.

Come here a minute.

Come around.

Denk an das, wenn du wirst puffen und panten.

Bist du eine... Eine ginger beer?

Nein! Ich bin nicht ein ginger beer.

Eine Zinzibär. Oh, ja.

Ja, drei Zinzibär, ja.

Das gibt mir eine kolossalen Fahrt.

Was?

Eine große Fahrt, eine lange Fahrt. Ich habe eine lange Fahrt mit den Boxen.

Zwei Kilometer.

Ich habe jetzt einen kolossalen Durst.

Aber hast du 50 pence?

50 pi?

therefore, nix.

I love you, Diane.

Oh, Fraulein Diane, I love you.

No, I don't love you.

I love Fraulein Diane.

I think Fraulein Diane loves you.

50p. Ich habe nicht Geld.

Nicht Geld? Nein.

Nicht Dank.

Ich nicht verstehen Geld.

Guten Abend, Benni. Guten Abend, Frau Leiderian.

Guten Abend.

Guten Abend, Frau Freeman.

Benni nicht verstehen Geld.

Hast du eine 50p?

Thank you. Benny, are you coming here?

Benny, are you coming here? Moment.

Are you coming here?

No, ever so. Moment.

What do you want?

What do you need?

Benny, here.

You can have this beautiful, bright, silver, super Ben,

first of all.

Mutti kaput, gut auf papier.

Du kann hart einer oder oder.

Aber only einer.

Ich kann nicht auf das Schwein. Nein. Ich brauche nicht das Schwein. Ich will

nehmen dieses Stück hier. Es ist silber.

Es ist breit und schön und möglich und glücklich und lustig. Ich will geben das

zu Fräulein Diane.

Aber ich schreibe nicht auf in diese Altpistofpappe. Danke.