Original subtitles

Oh, um, I, I, I, I, I, I, no, no, I said two saxophones. Two

saxophones. Two saxophones.

Saxophones. Saxophones.

Ah, yeah.

The Congressional Research Service in Washington, D .C., and scientists from

University of California have made the astonishing announcement...

Eh? Give it a bang!

Hit it!

Here,

do you mind if we turn over?

No, it's up.

No, thanks.

Why you don't get a remote control set, I'll never know.

Issues of social significance.

That's what I said.

What did I get?

How do you tell an Irishman at a cockfight?

Hell, if the mafia is present, the duck wins.

Quote the difference between an egg, a carpet, and sex.

You can beat an egg.

You can beat a carpet.

Oh, God.

Now, will you listen to this?

Myself, when young, did eagerly frequent doctor and saint and heard great

arguments.

But evermore came out the same door as in our way.

That is from the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam.

And not, as Smith Minor calls it, the rubber yacht of Jaime Cohen.

But you know, what I think he was trying to say is that the more you learn, the

more you realize that there is to learn.

A boy of 14 thinks his father's stupid.

When he's 21, he realizes how much his father's learned in the last seven

I mean, for instance, you should always question everything.

I mean, the other day, early evening, I was sitting there watching television

all by myself, not a soul about, and I heard a voice.

And it said, you are watching Channel 4.

How did it know?

Do you not think it strange that in a cat's fur there are only two holes?

Otherwise he couldn't see.

When God created man, spectacles hadn't been invented, but look where he put our

ears.

You pour hot liquid into a thermos flask, it keeps it hot.

You pour cold liquid in, it keeps it cold.

How does it know?

Tennis referees are not always right.

That's why they sit up there.

Out of the way where you can't get to them.

Why do you think surgeons wear masks?

So that if they make a mistake, you don't know who to blame.

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

You shouldn't believe all you read either. You read in the paper that...

population of China is so great and it's increasing so fast that if all the

people who are living in China today were to start marching four abreast,

think deep.

Past this building, by the time they got to the end of the column, there would

be another generation marching behind them.

Think about it.

Is there marching?

Have you not noticed that all the people in favour of birth control have already

been born?

They'll tell you anything. They'll tell you that a flea can jump 40 times its

own height.

So can Matron, if you catch her right.

If a black cat crosses your path, you'll be lucky. Not if you're a mouse.

of our animal friends, huh? What do we know about them? I mean, do teenage

bears hibernate around?

When a pig's being mated with a big, fat, ugly, dirty old sow, does he close

eyes and imagine she's a lovely young gazelle?

Or does she turn round and say, can't you think of anyone either?

You see, scientists have been searching for years for the missing link. That is

the link that links together the wild, savage animals and the cultured,

sophisticated, civilised man.

We try to find that link.

And, you know, do you not think that maybe it's us?

Well, here's a wee film that'll show you just how far man has progressed over

the years.

I shall ask questions afterwards.

Thank you.

What? Remember ten years ago in 1998?

Yes. 4 ,000 million people all came up on the same day.

Seems to me, not a soul.

Not a single soul.

years, Olive.

Don't you get a headache having to memorise all those brand names?

Oh, I do.

I tell you, stop taking. Don't help me either, you know.

I'll tell you, the pain in my head and shoulders.

It's so bad, I hardly know what I'm doing.

I feel like it, I do.

I was once so bad, you know, I was going to commit suicide by taking 500

aspirins.

getting on with Belle?

Oh, Belle, she lives near me.

Yeah, oh, I must have passed her out a dozen times.

She took me out to lunch the other day. We went to the Crest Hotel.

Oh, okay.

Oh, I had dined there all the time.

Oh, yeah, she spent three pounds on me. She did three pounds. Oh, only three

pounds? Yeah, well, that's all the money Belle had on her.

Sophie is.

I could contact 400.

He took me up to the park, you know, up to the aviary.

Did he bring any nuts for the budgies?

No, well, all the parrots eat them all, don't they?

You know, try anything.

Oh, he wasn't as bad as I thought he was going to be, actually.

But guess what? He said to me, he said, close your eyes, I've got something for

you. I thought, oh, that'll be nice.

in your palm olive.

I said, you betcha.

Nice boy.

Bloody gold spot.

Then he started trying to get matey.

And I said, come on now, I said, I'll let you put a gold spot in my hand, Rex.

I said, I'll sit there with you outside in the cold, Rex.

I'm going to lie down in the early morning dew reckon you're going to be

so what happened oh he went off with a night nurse called

Val Derma and I never saw him again

Got any of them invisible hair nets for me, young lady?

Yes, they're lovely. These are guaranteed invisible, these. Yes,

Are they really invisible?

Oh, they are, yes. We sold a dozen packets yesterday and we've been out of

for a fortnight.

And some soap.

Yes. Would you like it scented?

No, I'll take it with me.

What amnesia?

I can't remember.

Oh, you know, amnesia, magnesia, you mean magnesia, not amnesia, magnesia.

What's the difference?

Well, with amnesia, you don't know where you're going.

You've known me ever since I was a child.

Don't you remember you used to ask if I'd been a good girl or I'd been a

girl?

And if we was naughty, you could lift us round the ear off.

And your wife, Jill, when that nasty man embarrassed her, well, I went to Mrs.

Lucas, eh?

What did you do with it?

Just follow the instructions.

Sorry, darling, but your lip seems to have stopped.

Yes, Brian had the same trouble doing it up this morning.

Twenty -five years ago, a cracked latrine unit escaped from Holloway Jail.

went to earth in the underground at Piccadilly Circuit.

If you have a problem and no one can help, then, if you can find them, maybe

can hire the B -Team.

eagle of humour.

Tell us where it is. Never. We'll never tell.

Tell us where it is. It has hidden the golden eagle. We'll never tell you.

Never tell, eh?

Here he is, your friend and his, Bernard Murray.

We'll tell you. We'll tell you.

Behind the picture. Behind the picture. Go on, take it. Take it.

I don't know what the name of the other eye was.

Work every time.

million dollars?

How could a bird save that much money?

Well, I'll think about it.

I'll think about it.

Well, take it, you're

I'm a doctor of divinity, and I'm also a bachelor of science.

You're kidding.

Well, you started it.

It stings. It's making my arms smart.

Then I'll pour some on your head.

That ain't liniment. There's something wrong with that.

There's nothing wrong with that.

longest -running conflict in the Middle East.

My guess would be the Tahini Embassy.

That'll be my guess, too, yeah. Well, one way or another, it looks like a job

for...

that SWAT pilot.

Harry, isn't it?

Why are you asking?

You think you could get hold of this chopper?

I've never handled a chopper before.

Are you kidding?

You know I have.

Tell us what I've got in my helicopter pilot license.

Okay, guys and gal, we're making for the Tahini Embassy.

So, Amy, if you want a head, I'll give these two a lift.

You sound like a bra talking to a hat.

What do I put in the middle?

She did.

Rhoda, how's your dog?

My dog really...

Thank you.

Maybe it's only a scratch. Oh, my God, that this should happen to the most

wonderful, marvelous, fantastic statuette the world has ever known.

It's just a scratch.

The bullet must have lost its impact going through B .A.

There you go, B .A.

I knew we'd come in useful one day.

Here we have captured the B team. Let's call it for a little celebration.

Right, now, where are you hitting the golden megal? Huh? Où est l 'aigle d

Je m 'en vais. Je m 'en vais!

He says he ain't gonna tell you where it is.

I'll tell him that golden megal's worth ten million dollars.

He doesn't tell us where it is to get 20 years in jail.

Si vous ne dites pas où est l 'aigle d 'or, vous gagnerez 20 tonnes de prison.

Prison? Oh, no, no, pas de prison, je vous en prie.

L 'aigle d 'or, c 'est derrière la radio.

Venez, venez, je vais vous montrer.

What's he say?

He says he ain't going to tell you where it is.

I'm going to report you to get him out of here.

Well, I will soon see about that.

Well, what's he say? What's he say? Go to an American!

There we are, all righty -o, huh?

Leglador, 10 million dollars, poor moi, in my van.