Original subtitles

Now, then, these pains that you complain of, be honest, they're all in your

head, aren't they?

Oh, think I'm in love.

I must say, it was very good of you to agree to go Dutch this evening.

You don't mind going Dutch?

No, not at all. I've never eaten Dutch food before.

come home for the summer.

Oh, and I'm going to have me some fun.

And all of the things that you've done.

Now one day I saw in Girona by a river so quiet and remote there were eight

lovely girls from the college and they were all in the same boat.

But as they rode in unison by me, I gallantly raised my hat and I said with

sigh, I wish that I could stroke it through just like that. But I'm glad

come home for the summer.

Oh, and bird watching's gonna be fun.

I'm glad I've come home for the summer.

Now, the matey, matey, matey.

Now, the daddy from Kansas once ordered a steak weighing nine and a quarter

pounds. The butchery said, will you take it, ma 'am, or shall I stand it round?

She said, no, I just want to look at it, because I've been dieting like a chump,

and that's what I've lost. I just want to see what it looks like in one look.

Now,

Hannah from

Hanzo had four sets of twins. A journalist paid her a call.

you always get twins every time. She said, sometimes we get nothing at all.

My husband, he named the last of the twins.

He called them Rudolph and Adolph. If I get any more, I shall name them myself,

and I'll call them Get Off and Stay Off.

To see the girl I adore.

Now when I marry my lovely Maria, I'll be happy forevermore.

Feeling that something's wrong?

Jed. Yeah?

You can't marry Maria.

I can't marry Maria?

In heaven's name, why not?

Why can't I marry

Maria? Oh, Jed.

to another man?

Look, I bought a ring and everything.

Look, here's a place to put a stone, too.

Look, ain't it funny?

But, Jed, she's got Herbie's.

She has got what?

She's got Herbie's ring.

They're getting married.

So it's you. You stole my gal, didn't you, horse thief?

I'll have you know she's mine.

Not now, kid.

Hey, don't I get any say in all this?

Now, hush up, woman.

But I've got a perfect right.

You've got a perfect left.

But that's got nothing to do with it.

Why don't you fight for her?

to make it into it.

TV AM, Channel 4, the video booth.

And now, we await nationwide cable TV.

Now, who are the men responsible for the

production of their programs?

This company is called Scuttlevision.

And I am hoping to talk with the man behind it all, Fred Scuttle.

Good evening, viewers, and welcome to Scuttlevision, the company which brings

you our quality programme.

are you working on now? At the moment, sir, our new defective series, Columbo

Jack.

Columbo Jack? Columbo Jack. It's a cross between Columbo and Kojak.

Does he suck lollipops or wear dirty raincoats? He sucks dirty raincoats.

And his glamorous assistant, Bo Entwistle, 46, 19,

does nothing but throw in the jade.

Anyway, you see, I mean, you can tell by his physique that he's from our health

for all program.

A keep fit program? Yeah, it's called Fighting Fit and Fit to Fight.

And it's hosted by none other than the brown bomber himself, St. Bruno.

St. Bruno? St. Bruno, the boxer, sir, yeah.

St. Bruno is a tobacco.

You mean Frank Bruno.

He's not a saint.

Are you going to tell him?

I'd need our physioterrorists.

Physioterrorists.

Physioterrorists. We've got three on the show, sir, actually.

Therapists. Not all of them, sir.

Not all the time.

The camera crew, yes.

But not them, sir. And then, of course, you'll want to hear about our drama

series. Our blockbuster drama series we've got, sir. But how can you compete

with a... Big American production companies who give us blockbusters like

Flamingo Road, Dynasty, or Dallas.

Well, I've seen Flamingo Road.

And Dynarod.

And that Falcon Crest.

And I've seen their nuts landing.

mention Dollars.

But you haven't seen our Darlington. That is a Darlington hotbed of intrigue.

Yes, sir, yes. They've got their Ewings. And I've got my doings.

The doings of Darlington.

Well, what do you have to replace Tough J .R.? Sweet F .A.

F .A.? Sweet Fred Ackroyd.

A shy and sensitive used car salesman.

Opens up the picture, sir. He's walking all by himself across a moor, sir, and

he passes a bog.

He looks down at the bog, sir, and he sees a ten -gallon hat.

He picks it up, and underneath is a ten -gallon head.

He says, how long have you been there? And the head says, I've been here for

four hours, and thank you for picking up my hat.

Well, the first one who hasn't kicked it.

And he says, are you all right down there? He says, yes, it's all right. I'm

fine. I'm standing on the wife's shoulders.

Now, it transpires, sir, that this chap, sir, is an American arms millionaire.

And he's wealthy.

Oh, he's rich beyond the dreams of Arrowroot, sir.

He owns his own island, sir. He's got an island just off... the coast of Spain,

sir. One of that little group there, you know, Mallorca, Mid -York and all that

little lot there. He owns an island.

Hilarious. It's true, sir.

He owns his own island, he does say, yes. But you see, he confides in Fred,

see, and he tells him that he has invented the ultimate weapon.

He says it destroys people without disturbing the houses and the buildings,

see, sir.

And Fred says, we got that in England. It's called a mortgage.

You see, there's a little humicry thing, you see, sir. Not a lot, but... I must

say, that sounds quite banal. I might almost say soporific.

Oh, it's very kind of you to say that.

Listen, I think you're in for a treat. Hang on, watch this. Philip,

would you put the cassette into the video?

Watch my lips.

Put the cassette into the video.

What do you mean?

What's that?

Oh, left him behind.

I'll play about it.

You're not thinking of doing it in this gutter here, are you, sir?

In that gutter over there.

Have a tea about half past nine.

And to the British gentlemen and ladies men

who have come here all the way from London, from Edgwarestrasse,

Kjellwasser, Gildersgroen, and

Marble Arch.

We wish you a good body every evening.

And oh boy, have we got a show for you tonight.

got a show for you tonight.

Have we got a show for this?

The Memory Man.

And

now,

ladies and gentlemen, all the way from Hamburg, two beautiful ladies who really

scintillate.

You are too beautiful, my dear, to be true. And I am too drunk with you.

I think this feeling that my heart has possessed you really caressed you

too.

You are too beautiful for one man, for one lucky fool

to be with.

Love cannot stand sharing, not if

one cares.

You won't be comparing my every kiss

with hers.

You know I care and I'll be faithful.

It's not too sad to believe.

You are too beautiful and I am too proud.

Seven goals, and Bea got 98.

in the sea.

See the happy sturgeon lay eggs for caviar.

Well, the octopuses group each other sometimes they go too far.

But the soul eats only once a year then sleeps back in his hole.

Which gives rise to the expression poor old soul.

Here's a little anecdote that's really rather rude.

You see some chaps in Brighton go swing in the news.

As one old chap popped up and down I heard a passing Say, goodness, will you

look at what they're using now for bait.

Laying on the ocean bed. Laying by the key.

We all need a happy life swimming in the sea.

This joke is so funny, it makes your boobies fall off.

Oh, you heard it already.

There is an English doom cop staying at a hotel in Germany, and in the morning

he complains to the manager, and he says, I can't sleep in this hotel.

And the manager says, why not? He says, because the train's going past.

All night long, and he says, the train's going past, and I can't sleep. And the

manager said, you are a doom cop.

The railway line is miles away, the hotel is here, the railway line is over

there. How can you...

I think I understand.

You see, we here in Germany, we are rebuilding very, very fast. We build

all the time. And the workers are very, very sincere workers. And they work

through the day and they work through the night as well.

And what you think you hear is strange. It's not strange at all. It's these very

polite builders passing bricks to one another and saying, bitte schön, danke

schön, bitte schön, danke schön.

Be comfortable.

Just look at me.

everybody drink. Yeah, that's right.

Thank God for that. I thought I'd lost it.