Original subtitles

God, jeez, I just had a funny dream.

I was back at the sheep shearing station.

anywhere. Yes, it's the Benny Hill Show.

And here he is, the lad himself, Benny Hill.

Now they thought that they'd lay on the beach with blonde curls around their

heads. She had a kitty with her and his hair was flaming red.

I said, tell me about his father. Was his hair as red as that?

She said, I couldn't tell you, sport. He didn't take off his hat.

Oh, but we're not going to let him.

Goodbye, goodbye.

I went to the opening of a big store's annual sale.

With the way them sheilas pushing stuff that's stronger than us males, one lady

had me on me back and I looked up in horror as a young girl sat on my face.

going again tomorrow.

So a lady said, find my husband, I think he's disappeared.

I said, I'll need a description.

She said, well, he's got a long white beard.

And he's short and fat and bald, and the size of his nose you wouldn't credit.

His eyes are crossed, he's got no teeth on second force, forget it.

And you will get the crown, we are the crown.

So I asked Sheila what she'd do if she fell in the bay.

I said, would you tear your clothes off so that you could swim away?

She said, well, I'd keep me blouse on, that's the method I'd employ.

You see, the air gets underneath it and it acts just like a boy.

... ... ... ...

... ... ... ... ...

Oh, don't you look lovely there.

You know, that's the nicest I've ever seen you look.

No, silly, that's not me.

That's Mum when she was my age.

No,

my dear, you've not got Asian flu.

You've got Egyptian flu.

You're going... to be a mummy.

This is the opening of the Chin -Yu Chinese Opera Company.

Tonight, I'm happy to welcome, with his choreographer, the leading light, Mr.

Cao Min.

Little foot, a living leg end.

Legend. Not to mention Roy Jenkins.

Roy Jenkins.

I said not to mention Roy Jenkins!

He's funny, Roy Jenkins. He can say Roy all the time. He say Roy.

It's the way he rolls his R's.

people and peace on your government.

What is the name of this opera you're presenting? Little White Buttercup. The

opera is called Little White Buttercup. No, she's Little White Buttercup. Oh,

she's called Little White Buttercup. No, I say to her, you lift your right

buttercup.

You'll have to help me out. Why, which way you come in?

I, I read, what does it say?

Oh, it say, high pong, one long hoe, hoof long dung.

In English?

In English, Confucius say, wise men never hide in ready's wardrobe after

baked beans.

This story of a poor boy who live outskirt of Peking.

Yeah, his parents are... so poor he was made in Hong Kong.

When he was sick, no can afford an X -ray just to hold him up to the right.

One day, he see a rubbery lady.

A lovely lady.

Oh, you run in, yeah.

And he load up, she is in a temper.

She's angry.

No, she very calm and saline.

But he just said she's in a temper.

Yes, in a hurry temper.

In a holy temple.

Yes.

Oy vey.

What a peric.

You tell him, Cookie Baby. You tell him.

Look, she in a temple, she is praying with a Mandarin.

Who also remains calm.

Pardon? He keeps his cool. He keeps his what cool?

Mandarin. Yeah? She's praying with a Mandarin.

No, she no. praying with a mandarin. She's praying with a mandarin.

She's praying on the mandolin. Yes!

Oh, see, dear.

Now, she have house in Peking.

So, boy decide he is going to Peking.

Through the suburbs.

No, through the window.

It's her father, who is very lit.

Yes. He has all about his person sort of like a rather paltrous thing, you know,

and all full of gold.

Well, it's true.

But then, Big Ryan attacks father, and boy, let's do him, and boy, subdue the

beast. Then you see Ryan near.

Ryan O 'Neill?

Himalaya. No, him speak trophy.

But, um,

you enjoy doing these traditional shows.

Oh, she once had a man.

She, uh... She once had a man on a show.

She once had a man on a show.

She wants Adam Ant on the show. Yes!

I thought you were talking about her boyfriend.

Oh, she no have time for boyfriend. She too busy getting hold of her husbands.

Husbands? Yes.

How many husbands are there?

Six. Six?

One of her husbands is a girl.

One of her husbands is a girl. Yeah, that's a Maori husband.

Then there is a Donny Osmond.

And a little Jimmy Osmond.

Who sing, I'm a wrong -haired rubber from a river pool.

The Osmond. Yay!

I'm sorry, but it's rather difficult trying to understand you.

I say to a man, I say, would you like a pint? He says, not half.

I say, did I not offer you a half? I offer you a pint. I come outside. It's a

big sign.

It says Camelot.

Pronounced success.

I switch on a television in some area. There is a singing.

Oh, milk have God.

Rot a bottle, milk has God.

some excerpts from the Qin Yu Chinese Opera Company.

Ride slow and stop.

Oh look, no wonder.

Made in Japan.

Hey,

you, how do you know my name?

This is for you.

What's that then?

It's a bedpan.

It's a lot.

Oh, you mean a goddamn -

Bad language. Aye.

What have you got for us today, Mr. Wright?

Sexism, nudity, or bad language?

Could we not have a little of each?

I do believe he enjoys the smoke, you know.

It's the, um, eight o 'clock slot.

So who is the continuity announcer?

Uh, Michael Aspel. Oh, God, I can't stand him.

Have you seen his eyes?

Like a butcher looking over two pounds of cold liver.

Ah, here it is. He says, good evening.

We all know what his idea of a good evening is, don't we?

Drink and debauchery, no less.

Ladies and gentlemen.

And where do we most often see those names written up?

Outside public conveniences.

Not to put too fine a point on it, toilet.

It gives me great pleasure.

to present number two.

Oh, his mind's always in the lavatory, isn't it?

In a series of foreplays. Did you say foreplays?

It's not for Channel 4, is it? Not that dirty lot.

I've been watching them, you know.

He said foreplay. It sounds like a Channel 4 play.

Four players. I see, yes. This one is called... I didn't see what it's called.

It's a terrible title. Look at that.

Joe's Brandy Glasses.

No, no, no.

Oh, Joe's Brandy Glasses.

Carry on, men. Carry on.

I've seen one.

I've seen more than one as well.

Pat's bedroom as seen from outside.

The curtains are not drawn.

Pat enters and begins to disrobe slowly and seductively.

Whip pan.

Whips? Did you say whips?

Are you sure it's not Channel 4?

It means the camera pans quickly to the window

opposite, where, lurking in the shadows, stands Leslie, wide -eyed with lust,

gazing at the tantalising body of the now -naked passion. Oh, God, are we

not degraded enough?

I'm sure it will be shot very carefully.

And if anything cool revealing is shot, I'm sure it'll be cut out and filed

away. Oh, thrown away.

But what about all the people in the studio having a good look? What

about them?

Only the essential technicians will be there.

Yes, they're all like the car park attendant and the canteen.

I've seen them. They'll be hanging from the rafters. Tell me, is the peeping Tom

a rest mate?

I do think so. Well, get them to write one in.

I mean, after all, we all know the saying, the wages of Sini's death, but

wages at Thames TV is worse.

I mean, we all know that. And to think, just to earn a few pounds, some poor wee

actress has to strip off.

I mean, the actor, he'll be enjoying himself, won't he? And he'll be getting

paid for it. But honestly, I think it's so damned unfair that the girl who's

playing the part of Patricia has to degrade herself by showing her nakedness

millions. of viewers, and that's what I think. Oh,

I didn't

see that.

Pat, it's not short for Patricia, it's short for Patrick. It's a man.

It's a man who undresses.

A pervert.

Someone who gets pleasure out of carrying on in this disgusting way, I

Played, no doubt, by some exodus. who thinks his naked body will drive us

mad.

You still want this Leslie arrested?

Yes, of course I do. I mean, lurking in the shadows with binoculars, he sounds

like a disgusting man, this Leslie. No, no, no, no, no. It's Leslie with a Y.

Look, Leslie Ann.

It's a girl. Yes, it's a girl who's spying on the man.

Oh, so it's a girl who is forced to witness this disgusting spectacle.

Do you still want this girl arrested for spying on the man?

No, I want the man arrested for indecent exposure.

I don't know about you, but I'm going out the back for a breath of fresh air.

When will these male chauvinist, anti -feminist, sexist writers realise that

basically men and women are equal?

Well, don't you stand up when a lady leaves the table, for heaven's sake.

I've dropped my glove, you know, pick a glove up for a lady. And if you know

manners, do you not know better than to wear your hat in the presence of a lady,

for goodness sake? And I am a lady.

I tell you, if I wasn't here, lady, I'd smack you right in the gob.

Oh, for heaven's sake. Oh,

for heaven's sake. After all, you see, all we women want is equality.

It's nothing I could ever make out. How am I dreaming? Will I wake up? Just to

find out this is truly.

Je ferai n 'importe quoi pour en pleurs avec toi.

Je serai prête à tout pour un simple rendez -vous pour en

pleurs avec toi.

On petit tour, on petit jour, on tout est grave.

I've got some good news.

First of all, the bad news.

We'll all have to go and take a cut in our wages.

No, no, no. But now the good news.

I talked them into backdealing it till last March.

We seem to resemble each other quite extraordinarily.

Yeah, I am. Was your mother ever chambermaid here?

No, my father was a gardener. Yes.

From downtown Teddington, Middlesex, England, Europe,

James Television are proud to present Super Team!

to felons, to criminals, to usurpers and the enemies of freedom,

is Super Teach!

This week's episode, Super Teach meets Wanda the Wicked Wicked Wicked Wicked

Wicked Wicked Wicked Wicked Wicked Wicked

With sugar and cream.

What are you doing with Princess Jasmine?

Oh, she's bright. I'll say that for her.

Only wish I could say the same for a willy -batter.

Look at this.

Define the following words.

Relax.

A piece of dark chocolate.

Lagoon. A French idiot.

Take care of the princess I dread to think what her father would do if

happened to her

This looks like a case for super teach and prefect.

Hands up!

You okay?

That's good.

Thanks.

Oh, good heavens!

Is it you, Princess Jasmine?

Oh, thank heavens you're all right.

King Mustafa, father of the kidnapped Princess Jasmine, arrived in Great

today. He is offering a reward of five million pounds.

for information leading to her release.

Here is a Gail warning.

Gail, get out of the flat! The wife's coming home!

You mean to say my beloved daughter is here

now? Oh, my daughter!