Original subtitles

It's the Benny Hill Show.

And here he is, the Latin felt, Benny Hill.

Thank you, everybody.

Well, thank you kindly, folks.

That sure is right, neighborly of you.

And I want to thank each and every one of you people for coming here tonight.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. See, I'm joshing.

got my group, my group here.

My group, my group here with me.

And we're going to sing at you now.

I don't know why you done us no harm.

We're going to sing about the unluckiest man in the world and his name was

Unlucky Luke.

Here we go.

Now they say if you build a better mousetrap, the world will be the pathway

your house.

But if Luke was to build a better mousetrap, someone would breed a smarter

mouse.

rain in the soup, his family'd all have fought.

If he was to cut a woman in two, he'd get the half that took.

A lucky, a lucky, a lucky kid, why he broke into a betting shop and he lost

quid. Now his parents never loved him like they did his sister Kim.

They'd tie a kipper around his neck to get the cat to play with him. And he

cried the day that he was weaned because he knew even then it'd be 20 years

before he was near anything like that again.

They put his cradle on a wardrobe near the door, so his folks downstairs could

hear him when he fell out on the floor.

Now, the saddest day of Luke's unhappy life, beyond a doubt, was the day he

to hospital to have his tonsils out. He was on the operating theater trolley

sleeping sound. A short -sighted nurse came past and turned the trolley round.

Unlucky Luke, no wonder he hollered.

His rich aunt died, and in her will he owed her $40.

Now, Luke married Charlie's widow, a lady with no manners.

She'd a figure like a hippo and a face like a bag of spanners.

She told him she'd four children in the city by the creek. She forgot to tell

him they was down there playing hide -and -seek.

Unlucky Luke got to age of 52, had a wife, a girlfriend, and a tax demand,

all three were overdue.

He came home one last time. He'd been out stunning Lucky Charms. He tripped

a neighbor's cat and fractured both his arms.

He said, that's the black cat. Why, that's lucky I have a hunch. His wife

that cat's lucky because he just had your lunch.

That night he lost his pet efficient pup.

So he phoned up the Samaritans with the Samaritans hung up.

Oh, Luke had to go to France. His wife said, I suppose you'll fly.

He said, we look like mine. The plane is crashing. I'm too young to die.

So he sailed there in the safety of an ocean -going ship, but he got drowned

when the ship went down when a plane crashed into it.

Unlucky Luke!

Unlucky Luke!

Until the day he died, it was again unlucky Luke!

If I were you, I'd let him get over the shock of knowing that he's won half a

million pounds on the pools first.

Then tell him that you forgot to post the coupon.

Excuse me,

is that your foot?

Pardon? Does that foot belong to you?

This? Yes. Oh, this book.

Book, book, yes, it is a book.

I thought it was a foot.

Silly me.

Learning all the time.

What then is foot?

Oh, that is a foot.

Oh, that is a shoe. Surely that is a shoe.

That is a shoe. That is a shoe. And that is a foot. Oh, and that is a foot.

all the time.

I know another word.

Knee. That is a knee.

No, that is a knee.

A knee.

Yeah, yeah.

Masculine knee.

Feminine knee.

No.

It's a knee. Oh, that is a knee.

I could have my... Oh, I'll give you back your foot.

Shoe, shoe, shoe.

Well, well, well.

I have learned a new word.

I must write it down, because the professor says, if you get a new word,

must write it down. And he says, I want the writing written right. I don't want

the writing written rotten.

That's what he says to the professor.

I have left my foot at home.

Book. Book, book, book, yeah.

Never mind, I shall remember.

When I get a new word, it goes straight up here, in my bum.

Your head, your head.

That is your head?

No, that is my head, this is my head, and that is your head.

Ach, so this is my head, and that is your head. Well, well, well.

Learning all the time.

What is bum?

Well, it's not a very nice word.

We don't use it. What do you say, then? Well, we say, um, bottom.

Don't say bump, say bottom.

What is bottom?

Well, it's sort of... Oh, it's a naughty one.

A naughty one.

This is my bottom.

This is my bottom.

And that is your bottom.

Learning all the time.

Have you the correct watch on you?

Pardon? What watch is it?

Oh. Oh.

Half watch six.

Well, not much. Well, I never.

I shall go across the park now to the cafe and have fish and chips.

Oh, you like our fish and chips? I hate your fish and chips, but that's the only

thing I know how to order.

Well, there are other things besides fish and chips. I mean, how about steak

kidney pudding?

Try it. Steak and kidney pudding.

Kate and Sidney who?

Steak and kidney pudding.

Steak and kinky pudding.

Steak and kidney pudding.

Steak and you're kidding me pudding.

Steak and kidney pudding.

I shouldn't do that. I'm sorry. I couldn't help myself.

I like you. I do. I like your bust.

You mustn't say that.

Why not? It's true. Of all the girls I meet in London, I like you best.

Best? Oh, best.

Best is more good. Yes. Very, very, very.

Learning all the time.

What is best?

I don't think I want to explain that. I have upset you now. I've said naughty

words. I say naughty things. I don't mean to, but I can't help it. No, it's

my fault. Every time I open my mouth, I put my book in it.

Foot. Foot, foot, foot. Well, I'm sorry.

No, no, no, it's my fault. No, no, no.

No, no, no.

I shall go across the park now and have fish and chips all by myself.

Oh, look, look, it's all right.

Look, why don't you come back with me?

I've got enough here to eat for two.

I couldn't do that.

What would your mother and father say?

It's all right. I live on my own.

Look, there's a number 51 bus. If we hurry, we can make it. Make it? Why did

say make it?

No, make it. Get on the bus. Oh, make it is get on the bus. What is make it?

I'll explain that when we get there.

Are you German?

Dutch? No, I come from Bradford. Only you see, if I don't talk foreign, I'm

getting out.

Coming, Bradford!

Good evening.

Tonight the subject of discussion is euthanasia.

And I have with me in the studio an expert, Dr. LeFou. Dr. LeFou, would you

to speak first? Thank you. Good evening.

Euthanasia. It's quite a subject.

I have spent many years visiting old people's homes. And so I've met many old

people. Very old, many of them.

So I feel I know how the old feel about euthanasia.

And so, as we look far, we too are putting forward our various points of

the results of our subject into the lives of the old.

Now, one of the things we all have to discuss, of course, is their dark, and

again, their accommodation.

Doctor, he's won half a million on the pool.

I'm afraid to tell him it's his heart.

Yes, you're quite right to send for me, quite right.

Now then, old chap, how are we?

Very well.

Fine, fine.

Now, have you ever won anything on the pool?

No. No, no. I mean, for example, what would you do if you won, say, 500

,000 pounds on the pool?

I'd give you half of it.

Jinx, I can't stand that teacher who's took over from Miss Brodie.

I said to her in the playground, I said, Miss Potts, Miss Brodie always said we

was la creme de la creme.

She said, aye, that's because you're such a lot of clots.

But Jinx, she's not so smart. I mean, take for a start, you know what she said

last week to my friend Di?

Are you reading that paper you're sitting on?

I says, yes, miss, I've just swallowed my glass eye.

Last week, Miss Potts caught me in the park. I was climbing up a tree.

She said, if you fall down and break both your legs, don't come running to

In the classroom, she says, what is a paradox?

I says, a couple of medical men.

She says, name five animals found on a farm. I said, four pigs and a hen.

She says, name a seagoing animal using only eight letters.

I looks up, I says, ships, cats.

She says, can anyone here spell thistle down? Well, I spelled it right, just

like that.

She said, oh, we're smart today, Ambrosia.

All right, so you know how to spell.

But do you know what thistle down means?

I says, aye, it means rainy like hell.

Miss Brodie took us to the zoo and we had tea and cakes, it was nice.

And we had jelly and custard and strawberries and cream while Annie and

sick twice.

But it wasn't enough for a big Jenny.

She went off to the monkey's huts and put her hand through the bars of a cage

and ran off with the chimpanzee's nuts.

She didn't like that.

My wee sister went into the elephant house and she come out all trembling and

pale. She said, Miss Brodie, I've seen a big, great big... grey monster picking

up buns with its tail.

Miss Brodie said, all right, so it picked up buns with its tail.

That's no need for you to be crying.

Tell us all, what did it do with the buns?

If I tell you, you'll say I was lying.

We never seen the hippity poppity, how many buses, we never seen them. They're

in the back mating, said the man at the zoo.

Miss Brodie said, would they not come out for an apple?

The man said, Miss Brodie, would you?

That went on quite as a spectre, you see.

But the man showed us a leopard with 365 spots on, one for each day of the

year, he said.

I said, what about leap year?

He said, Arnold, lift its tail and show this girl the 29th of Feb.

But, Jeans, I can't stand that Miss Potts.

She dies from a stomach -dropping knot.

I mean, I really hate her. Well, suffice to say, I used to get up at seven, but

I now get up at six, so I can hate her for an extra hour each day.

She tries to catch me all the time. She says, how does a golfer make the tea?

I said, he gets it from his caddy.

She says, does anyone here know what a boycott is? I said, aye, it's a bed for

wee laddie.

She says, what is air?

I said, it's a balloon with the skin off.

She says, what granite?

I said, granite is what you reply when someone says they'd pardon.

But Miss Brodie took us out on bonfire night with the French teacher, Monsieur

de Lopetit.

And she lit up a rocket in his trouser pocket and damage was done to some

property.

But Miss Brodie...

Oh, she's fun.

Sometimes we sort of kid her on about why she never did marry.

She says, my dears, when you're la creme de la creme, you don't wed any Tom or

Dick or Harry.

Well, a cavalry officer proposed to me once.

I turned him down. I said, it's no use. You should have waited.

He went out and he got quite drunk.

I said, well, that's one way of celebrating.

Not many girls have been courted by earls or other members of the

she said.

Why, the day that I marry, I'll make a lot of men unhappy.

I said, why, how many men are you going to wed?

Last Sunday, we buried Miss Brodie.

I've had to, because she was dead.

There was freshly cut flowers and the freshly cut words on a pure white

headstone red.

Here lies a lovely lady.

devoted all of her life, being a mother to hundreds of children, but never once

was a wife.

Born a maid, died a maid, and the sad result of this is the simplest of

No sixes, no fours, no hits, no runs, no misses.

You know I love you. Let me help you, Miss Fox. You know I love you. I do love

you, Miss Fox.

Well, we all have to live, don't we?

Come on, Miss Fox.

Hello?

It's for you, Mum.

Oh, it's your father. He's missed his train again.

your chamois out in my bath water.

Oh, no.

Well, run down your lannister drain. I'm just going to pull the plug out.

Ow!

Hi there. I'm your new video machine. And this is your remote control panel.

With this remote control panel, you can make your television set play tricks.

You can freeze frame.

You can go into reverse.

You can go forwards fast.

You can go backwards fast.

In fact, there's hardly a thing that you can't do with your remote control panel

and the video machine.

solidified goat's milk, and drinking fermented maize water.

What a strange, primitive, childlike creature he is.

If you were his enemy, you'd risk having your head cut off.

And this peaceful -looking fellow would shrink it down to the size of an orange,

like this.

I'm sure we all know someone who'd like to do that to him.

day long is watching that television.

Come on, wipe the dog out. When we come back and clean the windows, get a move

on. All you do is...

What an ugly, miserable, whining old hag she is.

She bears him no offspring.

He is free to marry a much younger maiden, like this 17 -year -old girl,

to take her morning day. For the only to remove her lunari or tannins, her

catheter or body, and finally her stardom.

She has a case for her.

Her lovely lady's body shivers in the morning.

sun, then she dives in and disappears beneath the water.

I missed that.

I'll have to rewind now.

You're like a big kid playing with a new toy.

You want to get out and get yourself a bit of exercise. Get rid of some of that

fat. That's a well -known fact, that is. Exercise gets rid of fat.

Well, how come you've got a double chin, then?

...forcing only to remove her tacho or bodice. Hang on, hang on.

Not so fast.

She can never top off my egg any time.

No.

No. No, mate. Oh, get off, mate. Get out of it.

Oh, I've missed her now.

Haven't you got anything better to do?

Oh, wind back.

One of these days he's got to be late.

When I think I can...

There was a man.

He had poise. He had class.

He had taste.

He married someone else, didn't he, eh?

Will you switch that damn thing off?

Switch it off!

Right.

Now you just listen to me for a change.

better do

Anyway, I'd love to come for a walk in the park with Daddy. Come on, Daddy.

Let's take Wolfram for a little walk. Mummy will come this time as well.

Oh, there's a nice Daddy.

No. That one?

No. This one?

No. That one?

No. This one?

That is the man! That is the one!

What are you talking about, huh? Why'd you pick on me, huh?

Why'd you pick on me? Why'd you say I'm a madman?

I am a perfectly respectable person, but I'm a madman. Why'd you pick on me? If

you are wearing a mask, I don't know who you are. You don't have a mask on. Hey,

sleepo!

It's about to wait.

You can stop looking for her. She'll come back home.

I've asked you not to phone me at work, haven't I?

Yeah, all right, yeah. No, I won't forget, yeah. Hang on, hang on.

Two pound of potatoes, yeah.

And one pound of roast steak, yeah. I am writing it down, yeah. And four cans of

beer and two bottles of lager.

Cider? Oh, for goodness sake, stop wriggling about.

Stop wriggling.