Original subtitles

You're right, darling, I'm home.

I haven't forgotten you.

Oh, she loves her whiskies, she does, my kitty.

Oh, she does love her whiskies.

Are they kitty? You love whiskies, don't you?

Oh, not us.

Yes, it's the Penny Hill Show.

And here is the lad himself.

Benny Hill!

Now here on Paradise Island the sun shines every day. The girls all dress to

express themselves but they don't have a lot to say.

But the flowers that bloom on our island are part of our national wealth. We

crossed a sweet bee with a kidney bean and got a plant that waters itself.

Now the band that plays at our nightclub is always a bit off key.

It's the only band I know where the drummer carries the melody.

Well, it's Friday night stuff. Amber appears. Her dancing is a sensation.

She only wears 12 jeans and eight of those are visa perspiration.

You can have any meal that your heart desires. That's right, Paul. These sweet

and sour waitresses will get you anything that you want.

A tourist ordered a rhinoceros sandwich.

Just a moment, the waitress said.

She returned to say you're out of luck today because we've just run out of

bread. There's a wild old cup for the old wild boar. You think that's got us

the floor, but it's the furniture from the night before.

Here I'll have the next time.

I'll speak English to Pete at the drugstore, and he won't know what you

If you tell him you've got a dull pain, he will sell you a bottle of window

lean. At his army medical, they make him strip. He tried to take off the lot.

Then the doctor said, coffee. Thought he fed off and passed out right there on

the spot.

So come to Paradise Island for a holiday you won't forget.

There's fishing or tennis, but you can't do both because we only have the one

net. But you'll live in Paradise Island like you never lived before.

There's pants for the kids and there's buns for the wife and sharks for the

mother -in -law.

Hey, folks, this has the vitality.

It's a full of them and vitamin B. We had to choose a guy to start a symmetry

here in paradise.

He's so very nice. Just a bit funny. Deep and half as bright. Here on

Island.

Is he cantering any better?

Job! Waiter, how about a spot of sauce for my duck?

Oh, my word, you are a stupid -looking duck, aren't you, eh? You don't look

too great.

In fact, I go so far as to say you look positively doolally.

Is that enough, sir?

That'll do fine.

Now, sir, this vehicle you've misled, you say it's red.

Bright red.

And there was a ladder on the top.

If you were... Hi,

there,

Doc. How's your sick calf?

Did you give him the pint of castor oil like I told you?

Sick calf?

Shoot, I didn't tell you I got a sick calf. I told you I got a...

Two of them was digging holes, two of them was filling them in, and the other

two was out looking for fresh territory.

We've not done terribly well, have we?

We're no exactly la creme de la creme, are we?

Name four fruits that begin with the letter N.

An apple.

What is a Hebrew?

A male tea bag.

Where is the hottest part of the sun?

Page three.

Righto then, listen for your names.

Righto.

Righto.

Oliver Wright.

Oh, you're having a wee nose, were you?

What's that?

You assumed I knew you were there.

Never assume, boy. Never ever assume.

Because when you assume, you make an act out of you and me.

Pay attention.

Pot of tea.

Honeybee.

Little.

Monkhouse, O -L.

Monkhouse, Y.

Accrington, Stanley.

Are you a heathen, boy, are you? Are you a heathen?

There were five disciples.

They were called Matthew, Mark, Olivia, Newton, John.

You could tell Moses was thick by the size of the tablets.

at the return of the prodigal son, the fatted calf.

You're not going to become an atheist, are you, boy?

Don't become an atheist. They get no holidays.

Right, pay attention. Golly, G.

Former, Q.

Worthington, E.

North Sea.

Gas Bill.

Little John Thomas.

Glass Eye.

The voice of names I've called.

What I want you to do, when I blow the whistle, knock the door, to go quietly

the dining hall and see Mrs.

Ramsbottom. And when you've seen it, get ready for Jim.

The remainder... Sweet

William.

Sweet P.

Sweet F .A.

Anyone else?

Mustapha P.

You can stay in and fill up the inkwells.

I'd like a little service.

Then go to a riddle church.

Which one of you two want to have the haggis?

I do.

Then you must be the egg on the toast, yeah?

Hey, Jimmy, no egg on toast. Rose on toast.

You don't want egg on toast?

You want a rose on toast?

There's a fly in my soup.

Otherwise,

everybody want one. I have a complaint.

Then go see a doctor.

This spaghetti isn't cooked.

He seems to be saying, aidez -moi, je ne peux pas nager.

It means, help me, I can't swim.

French, you know. French, eh?

You'd have thought his parents would have taught him to swim before they

him to speak French, wouldn't you? I don't know what.

Help!

I can't swim!

I can't swim!

I can't swim!

Well, I can't play the bloody Japanese ghost flute, but I don't go.

My name's George.

That's funny.

So is mine.

It's your lovely smile.

36, 24, 36 speaking.

Oh, it's for you.

Thank you very much.

Hello, darling.

Oh, no, no. I said I'd be home after seven.

I've only had six up to now.

Well, that's a bit wrong, isn't it?

Oh, she says...

I keep wasting too much time in bars, but I'm drinking as fast as I

bloody well can.

I promise you a single soul and you're married.

I don't want anyone to hear this.

Not you.

They've got call girls in this hotel.

Where?

Upstairs in the Nook Cracker Suite.

They play call girl roulette up there.

You get the choice of six call girls.

One of them's writing a book.

Is this the phone that's out of order? Yeah that's the one.

Wasn't that a bit risky?

Shooting it? No.

Getting it out of the zoo afterwards.

Long ago in Dimpton Town, to its eternal shame, there lived a little boy, Jack

Daniels was his name.

He ruled the streets by power and he ruled the town by force.

But charity and righteousness means any end, of course.

living guy. The wickedness and sin he saw, it nearly made him cry.

He said, this town sure needs some help, and so I'll stick around till I've done

what I do best, till I've cleaned up this town.

of Cornwall County, that Friday the 13th was a day just like any other day.

The residents of Cornwall County, well, they sort of got a thick fan.

But there sure as hell ain't no sign of the other five.

And they could smell or feel or whatever, but there was a whole lot of

brewing.

Boom.

Some said the warden was to blame. Others reckoned

it was the cleaners who started it. But like all wars, it began with just a

little difference of opinion.

And it just growed and growed.

Yeah.

Wall County, love conquers all.

And for every man, there's a woman.

Well, almost every man.

And either married his meter maid, and they lived happily ever after.

Once more peace and tranquility have come to Dimpton Town. That's bad news

any unsuspecting motorist around.

For the meter maids and the cleaning men are...

And a job is fun and it's well done when it is done with love.

When it's done with love.

It's done with love.

It's done with love.

With love.

I'm sorry to keep you waiting, but I can't make up my mind between the soul

manoeuvre... The scallop veal, the dark laurant, or the beef stroganoff. Why

don't you come back on Friday and have rizzle?

Then you're going to get a beef.

That'll be okay, sir.

Yes.

Yes.

Mister, would you put your weight in my case?

Certainly, sir.

That's your co -star.

Special guest stars, special co -stars, Milligan and Nesbitt.

Patrick Wayne.

Andre Taham and Penn.

And featuring...

Baffin Island, not forgetting all our good friends out there in Yunkishumu.

Yes, the Monte Carbolic show is seen in places as far apart as Brighton and

Hull. And all over the world it is. And tonight on the Monte Carbolic show we

have from Italy, Bendover and his performing Goose.

From the world of pop, we bring you the incomparable sounds of Pony and Trap.

The Swinging Bristol.

Wow, looking forward to seeing that. And from the world of opera, one of the

world's greatest bass baritones, Ellie Mae Druitt.

And from Scotland, we bring you the ace yodeler, Jock Trapp.

And for lovers of the ballet, we bring you the incomparable Marina

and her disappearing cockatoo.

entertainers in the world who come here to bring you the greatest entertainment

in the world here on the Monty Carbolic Show.

You shot the cook?

No, I was a fool.

I was taking a picture of Telly Savalas with my camera.

Ah, Kojak.

No, Polaroid.

He must be short and he came off the wrong way. And I left him and saved him.

What for?

I thought he had split his head open.

But then I saw the part of his head from being attacked.

How? I kept my hands to myself.

Well, here's something far too good for us to keep to ourselves. From Germany...

The Black Theatre Company.

Now here's our number one act, who sure commands respect.

First time that we kissed, my heart went thud.

Like a mouth full of nothing, but it tasted just like heaven.

Sounded like a cow pulling its foot out of the mud.

Well, I helped her bake the pudding, and it was finger -licking good, and I

thought maybe someday she'd become my wife.

She hollered from the kitchen, Kenny, would you trust the chicken? Said, of

course I would, my darling, with my life.

I swear to God I only want to love you.

And I promise you that other men ain't banned.

And I don't mind playing second fiddle in the garden.

I just want to be in your band.

This oil man from the west, he sure as hell impressed my little shah, my little

sensitive wife.

He said I've so many gold teeth that I sleep.

Every night with my head in a safe.

He said, it's $400 if you'll come with my darling to my motel. It was quite

unexpected.

But she didn't fret and she wasn't upset. She just kept cool, calm, and

collected.

But I'm content to be the one you want to when you need someone to hold your

hand.

Now this Englishman and this Aussie came in and started getting bossy. Then this

French guy says, hey, you come here.

Have you got frog's legs? I said, oui.

He said, right, now let me see you hop over the bar and get me a glass of beer.

Then she walked through the door. They just stood there in awe.

I'm sure they'd never seen a more beautiful sight.

The Australians said, by golly, the Englishman said, by George, and the

Frenchman said, by tomorrow night.

I need to have some little lovers.

It's something I will never understand.

I don't mind playing sick and fiddle all my dawn.

I just want to be in your band.

She said, Kenny, you've got a friendly face and your heart's in the right

It's a pity that the rest of you is not.

And you love me, or so I'm told. But would you love me if I got old?

Like a fool, I said, if you got old or what?

She went off with George and Bill. She took the money from the till.

And goodbye was the only word she said.

I'll pray that she'll come back again. I haven't slept a week since then.

Cause when she went away, she took the bed.

But I learned to play love's violin when I was young.

And I've known many lovely ladies in this land.

But till the day I die, I never will know why she never

once let me play in her band.

Ladies and gentlemen, once again, we come to the end of yet another Monty

Carbullock show.

And so from us all, it's au revoir and... Happy Anthem!

Thank you.