Original subtitles

lovely party.

I don't really want to go.

I mean, they'll all be bright, young things. Look at me. Look at these crow's

feet. You don't want to worry about crow's feet. Give it a bit of character.

Do you really think so? Honestly, go to the party, enjoy yourself.

I bet people won't even notice your crow's feet.

Benny Hill Show with a host of your favorite youngsters.

Bob Todd, Bella Ember, Henry McGee,

Roger Finch, Jackie Wright, and here he is, the lad

himself, Benny Hill.

I drive the plow horse. I put his blinkers on.

And I think, come on there, Joey boy. Come on there, big John.

Now, come on, Dick, and come on, Harry. Come on, Jake and Carter.

It makes him think he's got some help when he pulls a little harder.

Now, I learned to swim when I was eight.

Down on the bar.

The port took me out to the middle of the lake.

Down on the bar. He pushed me out of the boat, sent some swim back.

Down on the bar. I had a heck of a job getting out of the sack.

Down on the bar.

to the general store and say, do you sell gasoline?

Axle grease and turpentine, candles and creamine, artificial manure and mop

bowl. The guy said, was your new man?

She said, well, go and wash your hands and cut me a slice of hair.

She got a brand new hearing aid.

She said it's worth every penny I pay.

Well, I've only had it a week and yesterday I heard from my sister in

Now our Indian farmhand said, My wife not true to me.

Me want oranges.

Me plant orange tree.

Me plant corn. Up come corn plant brand. Up come brand.

Last year me plant Indian. And up come China man.

He's going to escape the state with us. Down on the farm. Got my brother Charlie

gutting fuss.

Down on the farm. He's got the one called Lorna Do.

Down on the farm.

I got her sister nothing do.

a kid, she said it won't do any harm. I want to tell the folks I'll be kissed by

the boy who runs the farm. He'll be a feather in my cap, at least that's my

belief. I should come into the wigwam and I'll make you an Indian chief.

That's the way I like my little squaw.

I've met my future mother -in -law.

She got the biggest mouth and old man took it.

She'll sleep with her false teeth in a bucket.

I got the fever of something cruel.

And Lord have bought me water to try and keep me cool.

Then she stopped bringing water, though I was thirstier than hell.

I said, why you no bring water? She said, white man fit on well.

for every game.

that at nine o 'clock this evening there will be another short arts program

another short art program another not very

long arts program this one features fred marceau in the statue

What a lot of old rubbish!

What a load of old codswallop!

Thirty -four pounds of that rubbish!

You're a big Nancy.

What a load of rubbish.

Hold it.

What a load of tape.

Now, look, I've had just about enough of you. You know it all.

I mean, we're doing our best.

Well, it's not much good, is it?

How very, very dare you.

How do you know I've had my legs insured for 20 ,000 pounds?

And what did you do with the money?

easy left to know, you know. Not with my trouble.

You know, we don't all like that ballet and opera stuff.

Who's we, then? You and your mum?

No. Look, I represent the public.

Oh, did you hear that, everyone?

He represents the public.

I'm waiting 50 million viewers vote for you. That's what I'd like to know,

because I never heard about it.

Oh, I'll tell you. You people don't give the public what they want.

getting crossroads all the time.

I mean, some people want something a little more eyebrow.

Not around here, they don't.

Well, 50 million viewers don't all live up your street, do they?

The only thing yours live for is a pantomime horse and she could be the

end. What about me, then?

Oh, you just be yourself.

I don't have to listen to this. And I don't have to listen to this.

Let's see what rubbish is on a TV.

I'm not watching this.

Good evening. Here is the news.

A male nudist was today severely injured in the Knutsford area.

He was doing push -ups and failed to notice the mouse trap.

He told a visiting lady doctor that he was unable to stand and was in such

distress that he couldn't tell whether he was coming or going.

The lady doctor asked him to crawl towards her and then to crawl away from

He did this, and she said she couldn't tell whether he was coming or not.

At the Old Bailey today, Justice Pendleton said that law and order in

Britain was in a stocking top.

Or was in a shocking state.

he thought it was adorable deplorable the way that

Look at that.

Drunk again.

Hey, hey, over here. Yes, I'm the only one. That's right, I'm the only one.

You see, this whole rotten mess started in Dungeness when Jock and me went and

signed on for a trip to Sri Lanka.

The captain said, where's the anchor? I said, no need.

She's 19 years old. Her name's Nell. And I heard myself shout, God, someone will

find out. He said, I know that, but who's going to tell?

That night there was a gale. The crew clung to the rail. None was more seasick

than Carruthers.

Then old Dr. Rummock said, you've got a weak stomach.

He said, I'm chugging it as far as the others.

Then Nell crawled up on deck with her dress soaking wet. She said, I'll get

poo moon.

Big enough to cover this poor deer.

Jock said, there's a MacTavish who's willing to try.

Then the whole ship went down. I said, mind you don't drown. Hang on to a boy

you can.

Nell looked at me coy. She said, you're not a boy. Get away. You're a dirty old

man.

And as we reached the shore, we was greeted by four great big natives.

One was king, you could tell. An old Alan Chisholm said, do you practice

cannibalism? He said, no, never.

We do it quite well.

In each of the plots they put Charlie Knot, Harry Dunne and his big brother

Davy, who'd a smile on his lips. He said, well, we've had our chips, but at

least I've ruined it.

Would you shout when it starts to boil?

I said, Your Majesty, why did you spare me?

He said, Well, we've had crews from liners and freighters, but each time

got an Irish man in the pot, the beggars get all the potatoes.

It's usually the Irish bloke who is the butt of a joke.

This time it was the English who panicked. I'll be leaving this isle, and

be travelling in style aboard the SS Titanic.

It's a bee. Oh, oh, oh, oh, bee.

Oh, you.

How dare you. You.

clean undercover sanitary inspector starring

Dirk Reynolds as Dan Dan, the laboratory man.

Sybil Serpent as Lauren Order.

I can't contemplate life without you. I always want to be with you. I want to

share your every waking moment, your every experience.

I always want to be by your side. I never want to leave you, not ever. Not

moment. I've got to go to the ladies' room.

I'll see you in five minutes.

And see me a brain feeble as Trixie.

15p for them?

What are riding boots?

They don't look like riding boots to me.

You try walking in them.

Would you wrap the price off?

It's a gift.

This week's episode.

Never kiss a chicken on the lip.

Skipper, you look flushed.

Something's up, isn't it?

They've got bathtub, Jim.

Poor bathtub.

How did it happen?

The oldest trick in the game.

The exploding bidet, eh?

An old hand like Jim.

Shut up, they ask for it, some of them.

Right there. Steady, eh? Well, those bidets are a menace. In Bolivia, some

filled mine with piranha fish.

What happened?

Cut short my visit.

Did they get their hands on old Jimbo's ball cock? I don't know.

If they get their hands on that, it means 20 years work down the drain.

What an ingenious idea.

Transmitting ball cock in every bathroom in the Kremlin.

We could monitor their every movement.

Great Scott, look at that.

Where's that? There, read that.

Instant curry.

Is it a flash?

National column.

Lady with mallet wishes to meet gentleman with bow legs.

Objects croquet.

Communist with knife and fork wishes to meet capitalist with steak and kidney

pudding.

Try the next one.

I love it. Nina.

That's it.

Don't you understand?

I love it. I love it.

So do I, but I don't go on about it.

I love it. I love it.

You've been eating meat again, haven't you?

I love it. Back.

Backwards. I love it.

Tivoli. Tivoli.

That's it. Don't you see?

Nina must have made it to the Tivoli bar.

If anyone can get their hands on old Jimbo's ball cock, it's Nina.

You'd better get over there right away.

Right -o, Skipper. By the way, where is this Tivoli bar?

Istanbul.

Istanbul?

Here are your instructions.

As always, read them.

Right. Then memorize them.

And then swallow them.

I've got a lovely bunch of coconut.

What a funny little animal is the flea.

You cannot tell a he from a she.

But he can.

And how can she?

Whoopee.

There was a little man.

He had a little gun.

And he shot a little duck in the parson's nose.

And it went straight through to the vickery.

The boy stood on the burning duck.

The flames rose past his leg.

Nobody has a meal.

He won't eat smoked eel.

And he can't stand hard -boiled eggs.

people here from the Eastern Bloc. Balkans. It's true, I tell you.

Everywhere. Tell me, where are you stationed?

Spies never tell.

But they can hint.

I must go to work soon.

I cannot to Romania.

I must eat. I am hungry.

Looks like I shan't be eating just now.

The fool.

never put one over on me not as long as you've got all in your astrakhan coat

Now where's me?

you've arrived.

What the devil are you doing in Turkey?

You said I went to the Tivoli bar at Istanbul.

Istanbul? You idiot. I said the Tivoli bar at the Istanbul.

The Tivoli bar at Istanbul.

Now he tells me.

I've been stuck in there all night with that horrible looking thing.

See, I think it's a surprise.