Original subtitles

Gladys! I can't talk to you now.

It's my wedding night.

I'll ring you back in five minutes.

Yes, it's the Benny Hill show.

And here he is, the very best Benny Hill.

was a high -class gypsy.

She sold gold earrings from a stall.

Her mother had a cutlass eye.

Her father had a crystal ball.

But I took Maria to a fancy dress dance. It was a very swell affair.

All the girls had to wear a dress the same color as their escort's hair.

There was a commotion in the ballroom just after the dinner.

All the men wanted to dance with the girl who came in with Yilbrenner.

They all cried out, Maria Novotny.

What we want is Votny.

Hey!

Ach, du liebes Buddha.

Real brown bread and Buddha.

Bang down girls and touch her toes. I'm going to show her with a wild goose

goose.

Some girls are like African, serious and hot. And other girls are

like Paris with all the charm it's got. But Maria, she is like Tibet with all

its ice and snow there. Because everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to

go there.

Her teeth were green and brown.

One of them was black as jet.

If only she'd have had a blue one.

She'd have had a snooker set.

I went into a phone box to try to get in touch with my lovely Maria because I

love her so much.

But a policeman came and turned me out. I still can hear him yell. He went back

into the phone box and he turned her out as well.

I

twirled.

around the dance floor. She said, I hate the way you're doing it. I said, why?

She said, I've got a wooden leg and you're unscrewing it.

Standing on the cross and thus hanging by a strap, she let her hanky fall into

sleeping old man's lap. Now he woke up, he looked down, he gave a sheepish grin.

He thought it was his shirt tail and he slyly tucked it in.

I saw her in her birthday suit swimming by the weir. She said, please go away,

but I pretended not to hear.

She said, if you don't go, I'll stay in here till it gets dark. I said, that's

all right by me. I only came to feed the shark.

We

had a

gypsy wedding, but the caterer... There's the monsters.

They blew up all the prawns and shrimp to make them look like lobsters.

So she sucked herself with wedding cake and beer and fish and chips. I carried

her across the threshold. I had to take two trips.

She ruined my poor life. She's gone back to her mother and now I'm going back to

the wild.

Did you know?

Did you know that on the island of Bataan a bloke called Sukiyaki Dan don't

believe the war's over and goes on parade twice daily?

And did you know his mother comes from Ireland and his daddy's Japanese and

every year he goes and bobs Pearl Bailey?

Not a lot of people know that.

And did you know that when Egbert Nash thought he liked a moustache, he went

straight out and bought a tin of whiskers?

And did you know that the odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a

million to one, because they reckon near enough that's what the risk is?

And did you know that the odds against there being two bombs on a plane are a

million times a million to one?

So next time you go on board a plane to go abroad, cut down the risk.

Always take a bomb.

Not a lot of people know that.

But when I tell my wife these interesting facts, it's not as she

says they're privileged glimpses of the bleeding obvious.

Like I said, that bloke at number 22, his parrot died of flu.

It flew under a number 7 bus.

And she just says, I know, I know, I know.

I said, did you know Phil Kelly went out wearing one wellie when he heard there

was only going to be one foot of snow?

And did you know that nothing sucks teeth?

Like a budgie with no teeth.

And she looks up and says, I know, I know.

She says, look, love, don't you see? All this don't interest me.

In fact, I find it positively boring.

I've been sitting here listening so long, my little bottom's gone to sleep.

I said, I know it has. I heard it snoring.

A lot of people know that.

I said, do you know what they call a dog who's got no legs?

Well, it don't matter, because he won't come anyway.

And did you know when my mate Fred ordered a lager, the barmaid said, whip

bread, and he said, I'll have two slices if I may.

And she just says, I know, I know, I know.

I said, I think that bloke on his honeymoon next door must be a plumber.

Because all night long he keeps saying, overflow.

I says, roses are reddish and violets are bluish.

If it weren't for Christmas, we'd all be Jewish.

And she just says, I know, I know, I know.

I got my lorry backed up to the zoo.

Do you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to pick up the elephant that died last week.

And me and some of my pals are going to take it around my house, winch it up to

the bathroom and stick it on her feet.

Then I'll go down and watch TV.

Because sharp at half past three, she'll come home and straight upstairs she'll

go.

She'll say, Gordon, what are we going to do?

There's an elephant on our loo.

And I'll just say, I know, I know.

Hoopla!

For the first time since its inception, the EEC student poetry competition

has been won by a pupil not yet eight years old.

Tell me, Gaston, where are you from?

I am coming from France, monsieur.

What part?

All of me.

Where is your school?

My school is the traveling Catholic school in France, but the priest, he

like me. No?

No. You see, he has taught us.

Oh, what did he teach you?

No, he has taught us.

He has taught us.

He has taught us. Yes, yes, but he doesn't let me play with him because he

bad feet.

No, that's not your fault. No, and he likes to play with me.

He does.

We play on the deck. We play racing cars. And he likes it. And

the priest doesn't like it when I blow

sneezing powder over Angelique. And I like to do that. Why?

It's not her sneezing.

Where's the problem with that?

She keeps her handkerchief in her bloomer.

The priest is very nice sometimes because he gives me money. And he says,

you go to London, you must go to the zoo. And you must go to the monkey house

and visit your brothers and sisters.

And what did you say to him?

Thank you, Father.

And did you go to the zoo? No, I have not even been to the bloody town.

Why not?

There wasn't bloody time.

I see my uncle, and he has sent me to the park to see the turpentine.

Turpentine. Yes.

Well, while I am there, I see a lot of pretty ladies sitting on the grass, and

can see their pink knickers.

See their... Pink knickers. I can see their pink knickers, because they are

having a pink nick.

I was not a thing. I was not a thing. You were.

I was not a thing.

Is this a girl?

Oh, there she is.

Yes, yes. I think she was Elsie.

Elsie who?

Not Elsie who.

Elsie. De bon santé.

Bien, bien, bien.

Elsie. Elsie. Yes.

Oh, dear, c 'est dur.

Oh, no. Anyway, all the ladies was Elsie, I think, because I could see they

had big happy tits.

Big happy dick.

Big happy dick.

Who? Big appetite.

Yes!

Did you speak to them? No, because I did not want to cockroach upon their

privilege.

No.

Encroach. You didn't want to encroach.

Oh, je suis trompé?

Yes, you are right, yes. I must use the feminine hen.

I was using a masculine cock.

There are a lot of soldiers and they live very close to the park in Knight's

Bridge. And they live in beautiful deluxe apartments.

But... It's true.

It is very nice. It is very close to Arabs.

Arabs. It's the same thing.

But...

That new beret, he don't buy it at Arabs.

He buy it at the C &A.

Because that stands for coats and nuts.

And he let me wear it when he took me to the pub.

I went to the pub and I had a shandy.

And I had a pickled union.

And I wanted some pepper.

Oh, black pepper? White pepper?

Cayenne pepper?

Writing pepper.

I wanted to write to my mother to tell her all about it because it's very nice.

They have a piano there and it's just like the cafe concert that we have at

home. Beautiful, yes. And there was a man there and he had a musical bum.

He had... He had a musical bum.

And he opened this musical bum.

And he sang, maybe it is a big horse.

Maybe it's a big horse.

Maybe it's because I am a Londoner.

Then we have a song dedicated to justice.

Justice? Yes, justice song at twilight.

These are the jokes.

Those were given to me by Jimmy Tarbuck.

And he was bloody glad to get rid of them.

And I tell you, they were Frank Evans.

Oh, and what did Frank Evans say? Frank Evans didn't sing. The man sang Frank

Evans for a little girl.

And there was a German.

He spoke English?

He was English. He was the English German.

He had the armour and he had the... Oh, German!

Yes, and he was very angry because, you see, there was a big dog.

It was a great big poodle that he made on the floor.

And I say to the lady who has the dog, who's standing by the dog, I say, does

your dog bite? And she says, no. So I go to stroke him, and he jump on me, and

he knock my hat on the floor, and he numbs my ass. No, he chews your hat. No,

chew the hat at the C &A.

And then he bite me, and I say to the lady, you said your dog didn't bite, and

she said, it's not my dog.

I was a very, you see, I thought she was Fiona.

Fiona who?

Fiona of the dog.

Anyway, any road up.

What happened was this.

I was angry not just of the dog, but for her manner. It was very, you know. It

was her attitude.

No, it was my attitude.

She was not very nice, you know. But we was all waiting for the paper.

Oh, writing paper, newspaper, and a note.

Try toilet.

Toilet paper?

No.

Bag. Oh, you were waiting for the paper bag?

No, for the bag paper.

He come along, he was a funny man, because he had this funny thing under

arm, and he was wearing a skirt, and he had a little furry thing on his lap.

That was a spore. Yeah, I didn't stroke it.

In case he bit me, you see.

And how long are you here for?

Yeah, I'm going to stay.

For how long?

I just told you I'm going to stay. I'm going to stay.

Oh, Tuesday.

Well,

England's loss is France's loss.

A chic derriere.

That is French for a smartass.

Perhaps you would like to recite for us your prize -winning prayer.

Very well, monsieur.

It is called England.

The English are a funny lot. I learned that on this trip. They send the

by car while a cargo goes by ship.

English men have 16 wives. It is in the wedding verse.

Four richer and four poorer and four better and four worse.

The English bride, she likes the aisle, the altar and the hymn.

Papa says this is what she's thinking.

I'll alter him.

My teacher says, I must not say pluff, I must say plow.

I was not feeling well that day. I had a hacking cow.

My teacher says, if you say psychology, it shows you are a fool because the P is

silent. I said, oh, like in swimming pool.

Think about it.

Bon, bon, bon, bon, bon, et voila.

I have been to the Chamber of Hards.

It is dark and strange and sinister.

I have been to Heathrow Airport, which was named after a former prime minister.

I like Heathrow the best of all, because there I get the chance to get aboard an

airplane and fly back home to France.

Thank you

What more?

We had our breakfast in bed and we had our lunch in bed. I think we ought to

up for our tea.

No, thank you.

From Hollywood, California, comes Wonder...

This week's episode, Wonder Grand meets Dr.

Jekyll and Mr.

Hyde.

Oh, oh.