Original subtitles

Yes, it's the Benny Hill Show, with a host of your favourite stars, Cleo Lane

and Johnny Douglas.

When Johnny plays his sax, you want to tap your feet, cos he goes...

He blows it cool and he blows it sweet when he

plays.

You can play all the slow -mo to China, and how I wish you would, because in my

opinion, and I'd like it understood, that a saxophone's an ill wind, but

blows good.

See what I mean?

And luparachi!

And luparachi.

You know, tonight I thought...

Say, what do you know? Two octaves.

I could use a girdle.

I was going to play one of Chopin's nocturnes, and then I thought, what the

hell? He never plays any of mine.

He's great.

He's awful.

Great. He's awful.

He's great.

He's awful. He's great. He's awful. He's great. He's awful. He's great.

Say.

Who won?

And the lad tells Katie Hill.

She thinks she's slim like Big Willow. She's just skinny and bony and tall.

If she hadn't been blessed with two warts on her chest, she'd have no figure

all. She liked to please all the men, but she's so terribly thin, there is

hardly enough to go around.

But she swallowed a whole big old onion, and twenty -four fellas left town. Oh,

Maria, Maria, please stay away.

You'll be my man alone.

How I long for the day when I'll be happy my own.

Now, I used to part my hair down the center. She said that was much too

Though just to please her, I parted it across my head from ear to ear.

Tell me, how do you like my sexy hair style? I asked my Mexican rose.

Amigo, you look magnífico. She whispered up my nose.

Andrea Maria, be safe.

You'll be my man alone.

How I love to be safe.

Now we went to the open air theater.

One summer night in a park.

And soon I had to excuse myself and I wandered off in the dark. I got back to

seat next to her. I had not been gone more than a minute.

I said, how was the show? She said, you ought to know, because you silly great

fool, you were in it.

Oh, Maria, Maria, please play when you'll be mine, mine alone.

How I love to play when...

She used to try to make tea cakes with the recipe her mother lent.

In my mouth they melted like butter. In my stomach they said like cement.

Now she used to experiment daily with different things that would fill me. It

was just like playing Russian roulette because I never knew which meal would

kill me.

Maria, you said you'd be faithful, but you cheated if you weren't true.

But if I had to do it all over again, I'd do it all over you.

Oh, thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Bless you.

It's very nice to be with you once again. And now we're going to show you

of those awful moments of television when things go a little bit wrong, like

when the crossroads chef found the stew piddly and found the stupidly arranged

flowers hidden from the... Why can't she hold it up higher? Why can't she...

You're all against me!

Stop hanging up! Get up! Get up! Get up!

Hoover and Hotpoint.

What do you think you're doing?

He's always doing this. I'm fed up with it, Philip.

This is my usual soap.

Now I'll try this one.

Oh, so soft. So smooth and creamy.

I wonder what it is.

Hi. They're my sons.

Her washing is not just wipes.

but clean and bright.

Yes, she's been using Purdy, and it's... Hold it!

What I'm going to do is, I'm going to wash half of Sandy's hair in an ordinary

shampoo, and the other half in top and bottom. What are you doing with my moth?

Yes, it's all in tomorrow's super -sore -away sun. Can you pick a beauty queen?

Why are women scared of mice? Are British clothes getting too expensive?

Are the kids in the comprehensive schools getting a fair deal?

Britain's economic slump, how bad is it? Get the facts and the figures.

Britain's defence, how prepared are we? Could we fight off an invasion?

Capital punishment, should we bring back hanging?

Are we doing enough to help the underdeveloped countries?

Yes, all this and more in the paper.

Everyone's asking for it. So get your super sum tomorrow. Don't forget

You must get the super sum. I told you before, old man, you must remember to

breathe.

Yes.

And I... And this is... Oh, this is a creamy one. It was lovely. It's all soft

and... Oh, it's lovely and creamy and soft.

And... No, no, this is a creamy one.

It's a soft and creamy one. You've got it wrong again, haven't you, you silly

fat cow?

Oh, no, no, please.

Believe it or not, but we know more about bras than you do.

So we invented the cross over your heart bra, which gives you gentle uplift here

and here.

And these shoulder straps here give you that lift. Hold it!

How'd you get anything right?

Have you seen what they've given me to work with?

Is that my fault?

Good evening.

Here at Fragile, on the Cote d 'Azur, television is king. From all over the

world, producers, directors, and executives...

...have

come to buy and to sell TV programs.

And, of course, our man from Thames is here.

What is he looking for?

Enlightenment? A fresh approach?

New faces.

And what has he got to offer?

Gracias, senorita.

Bonus not a senorita.

Well, let us find out as we meet Mr. Fred Scott.

Good evening.

Was we on?

I had no idea we were on.

I see you're managing to cope with all these foreigners.

Oh, yes. Well, I speak five languages fluidly.

Sprechen Sie Deutsch?

Oui, oui, mein sir.

That's French.

Is it?

Six languages.

What is a 10th century, this year?

It is a marvellous French play, sir, what has been written by John Paul

the famous existing sensualist, translated into English by Arthur

It is called La Petite Chose, or Woe is Me, for I am Undone.

Now, what is this play about? It's all about a topless go -go dancer from

Blackpool who's not doing very well, sir. Now, all the agents and the bookers

and the managers, they all know why, but they don't have the art to tell him.

Because he has just invested his life savings in a pig farm.

What's wrong with that? It's in Tel Aviv.

Not very bright. Oh, no, sir. He broke into Woolworths and stole a free sample.

He did, sir. Yeah.

Not only that, sir, he bought his wife a pet praying mantis. And it was an

atheist.

And now the police are after him for stealing a lorry load of artificial

Why? Is he in the fertilizer business? He is now.

Up to here, sir.

He comes home one day, you see, sir, and he sees his wife has left him a note

saying your dinner is in the oven.

He goes potty, sir. He goes absolute mazurka.

Why? It's salad.

You see, normally when it is salad, you see, she leaves a note saying your

dinner is in the garden.

She's like that, you know. They don't get on well together. They have only

spoken to each other four times since they've been married. Four times? Yes.

she one day decides to leave him. And she takes the four kids with her.

She goes to London, you see, and there she meets this out -of -work cockney

who's been out of work so long, sir, that the local labour exchange invite

to their stuff dances.

He's tried every labour exchange in London, sir. He just can't get work.

Well, what's he do? He's a shepherd.

So she says to him, why don't you try Blackpool? He says, not likely. He says,

was there last year. He says, I was only there two weeks and five quid went like

that.

He says, next time I'm going by myself.

He's mean. Tight as a duck's armpit, he is.

Takes his wife down the pub, sir, and buys her a single diamond.

Drives him down on the pavement to avoid paying road tax.

Oh, yes. One day she sees a beautiful wedding ring in a jeweller's window. She

says, let's go buy it. And they do.

Straight buy it.

So she says, why can't we move in with you? And he says, all right, but not the

little Chinese girl, you see. So she turns to her son and she says, Eric,

told you before, don't tie Sandra's pigtails quite so tight.

Now, Sandra is a lovely girl, sir, of some 17 summers and 28 winters,

and she never speaks out late, you see, sir, because she gives in early.

But, sir, by this time, you see, this woman has become this man's common -law

wife, you see, because he's had what they call carnival knowledge of her.

And it is then that she finds out what is obvious.

And what is it? The double bass.

It's not obvious as much as an obsession, sir. I mean, he even dreams

playing his double bass at night while he's in bed.

I mean, sir, in the middle of the night, he'd grab her round the neck with one

hand.

And he'd slap her on the tummy with the other hand. And he'd say things like,

Go, man, go!

It must be jelly, because jam don't shake like that.

And hit me with your rhythm stick.

And another one I've just thought of, I'm not going to say.

Well, you see, sir, she knows he needs help, and she sends him to this fella

specialises in psychoceramic.

Psychoceramic? The study of crackpot.

He's got these lovely rooms, you see, sir, called the Nutcracker Suite.

And all these people that need help, they all go to him and he helps them

you see, he helps them. Ah, therapist.

Not all of them, sir.

I mean, there's one fellow there who thinks he's a digital computer.

It's because he counts on his fingers.

He can't count on his fingers, you see. But it is there that he meets Willie

Drunge. Now, he is suffering, sir, from what they call double hearing.

Double hearing? He hears everything twice.

If you were to say to him, good morning, he would hear, good morning, good

morning. You see, sir?

When he sees that commercial for you -know -who's Bitter Bitter Lemon Lemon,

hears Bitter Bitter Bitter Bitter Lemon Lemon Lemon.

He hears everything twice, you see.

How does one converse with him?

Well, you have to tell him only half of what you want him to know.

So that he will understand all that you, like, wanted to tell him in the first

place, you see, sir?

I understand.

Do you?

Well, I wish I did, sir.

Not only that, sir, he's got this strange allergy, you see, sir, because

time he sneezes, he is overcome with this great passionate desire, you see?

Nobody knows why, but sneezing makes him feel sexy.

What's he taking for it? Snuff.

It is a beautiful part, sir, and it's beautifully played by Jean -Louis

Arkwright. Is it half French?

By a friend of his father's, sir, yes.

Is he bilingual?

I never asked, sir.

That might interest a homo sapien. It wouldn't interest me.

He speaks two languages. That's good enough for me.

Where did he come from? He was discovered by a lady producer who was

him at the time, sir.

All the top actresses are after him. They all want to work with him, you

sir. Like who?

Well, like all of them, sir. Every one of them, sir. Yes.

What is it about him that makes him so attractive?

Is it his charisma, his presence?

I don't think he gives them charisma, his presence.

He's a great lover.

Oh, he taught himself.

And at the end of the evening, sir, he gives them a long -stemmed rose with a

handwritten love poem.

The pen is mightier than the thought. And easier to write with, sir, yes?

Cop this, sir, cop this.

Pray do not cross my buds as you hold them, or the stalk that is hanging

beneath.

Place it instead next to your bed, in the glass where you keep your false

It's all in keeping, sir, actually, with Penn's image of sophistication, sir.

I hear that you're in a dilemma about some of the programmes, the continental

programmes that you've bought for the British viewer. Well, it's a question,

sir, do we leave the naughty bits in or do we take them out, sir? You know,

like, do we please the men or the women?

Well, what have you decided? We're going to leave them in, sir, and please the

women.

There's a little something coming up now, sir.

... ... ... ... ...

I love

you.

Is there a tema for a girl?

I can see he has.

That's the way I tell him.

Maybe it was a crime of passion.

Was he sexy?

How should I know?

Could you go? There are three ways of telling if a man is sexy. One is he has

very poor memory.

And the other two?

I forget.

That's the way I tell him. That's the way I tell him. I may have to hold you.

For questioning? Not necessarily.

Can I ask a question?

Yes. That's the answer. Here's the question.

Hey, where the hell have you been?

I paint to get my hair cut.

In working hours.

Get through in working hours.

Not all of it.

I didn't have it all cut off.

Where is his face?

Oh, that, sir. Across the road in the cemetery.

Why that headstone?

Uh, won the converse.

Tentmaker. Pegged out in 1902.

Not bad.

He likes a father of 29.

There would have been more, but he didn't have time.

The way I tell him, isn't it? The way I tell him.

Ah, here lies the body of Maggie McGinnity.

For 60 years, she kept her virginity. And that's pretty rare in this facility.

Oh, Stavros, carry on.

Oh, dear God, what's happened?

I can't stand to see a woman cry like that. Have a drop of brandy. Lovely,

you.

I say, Mrs., how about one of you and your husband together?

What he lacks in brains, he makes up for in stupidity. You take the paper off,

then you can eat it.

Look at him. An only child.

He still wasn't his parents' favorite.

He had a pet zebra. What did you call it?

Spot.

Right. Now, why did you kill him, eh?

Why did you kill him, eh? I didn't. I swear I didn't. I didn't do it.

Don't lie to me.

Now, stop lying.

Stop lying.

Oh, will you stop slapping me while I'm talking?

Eat or drink with poisons?

Here, have a try of that.

No, there's nothing wrong with that.

Don't drink his pudding!

Why not?

It's not like other puddings. It's a bone.

It'll go on with the slightest vibration or in 30 seconds.

I'm getting out.

Crocker, we're 13 floors up. I'm not superstitious.

Every year, people from all over the British Isles come to London to hear

opera at Covent Garden, the bands in the parks,

or perhaps take a luxury cruise down the Thames.

Mr.

Flynn, to make you feel at home, we have your national emblem, the Green

Shamrock.

It's a white buttercup.

Hmm?

It's a white buttercup.

Hmm? Mr. White Buttercup, you're sitting in my pepper.

Oh.

Mr.

Barnum, I understand that you cycled all the way here from Preston, is that

right? No.

I couldn't find a pub.

Your local pub? A bicycle pub.

A bicycle pump. Yes.

He was trying to repair it.

You and, uh... My little boy's daddy.

Your... Your son's daddy?

No, my little boy's daddy. Daddy.

Oh, nanny. Yeah, yeah.

She said, I ought to get the board of trade, you know.

Get the board of trade.

Get a board of trade.

At least she'd get a board of trade. Get a board of trade.

Yes.

I had a puncture. Hmm? In a titty.

In a titty.

You had to... I had to puncture.

Who punctured? Yes, I come down here in a titty.

In a titty.

Oh, intercity.

See,

the wife wanted me to get her a potato clock.

Why did you have to get her a potato clock?

To see me off.

I had to get her a potato clock to see me off.

Mr. Flynn, how did you enjoy your trip over?

Terrible. My wife kept hearing this noise in the car and she kept asking me

wanted the toilet.

If you wanted the toilet?

Toilet. If I wanted toilet.

Oh, toilet of the car.

Right. Anyway, I found something to keep the inside of my car quiet.

How does it work?

It fits over her mouth.

She's a real old banger.

The car?

No, the wife.

Well, they both are, but I can't claim here.

Back home, I was claiming all the time.

Insuring? Special security?

No, claiming.

Up the town hall?

No, up the mountain.

You can't claim up a town hall.

How do you like London?

Oh, it's a mad bucket of power, isn't it?

Mad? It's a mad bucket of power.

Bad? Mad muggers. You could get mugged.

Oh, muggers. Yes, yes, yes.

You know, Doug Charlie's place took apparently everything.

I left mine. Oh, he's a bear. He's a wardrobe. He's a basin.

A wash basin.

No, he's a free basin.

And he's a big sink, you know.

He's a big sink.

No, he's a big sink.

Oh, a big sink. Yes, I can wash his balls.

Take a look at what he's small.

What? What he's small? Yeah.

He's very fond of Dennis.

Plain Dennis.

Plain Dennis who?

No, not plain Dennis. Plain Dennis.

I thought you said someone called Dennis.

Oh, no, no, no. He likes the girls.

Oh, he's a bastard.

What's that?

He's busted.

He's hot stuff. He's busted.

Busted? Yeah, Lord.

Don't you think you should do something about your coat?

Oh, get stuffed.

I beg your pardon? Go get stuffed.

Hmm? Go get stuffed. Oh, that's not.

No, that's not.

I mean, that's one of those.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I suppose you've been seeing all the sights of London.

Well, the wife took me to the Indian cafe where she used to work.

The boss didn't like the race.

Race prejudice?

No, it is puddin'. She told me that every... She told me that every night

and every day he used to bite her thighs and dumplings.

He are?

He used to bite her thighs and dumplings? He used to bite about a

dumplings. He gave her the chicken. I carried it.

You cooked it?

No, the wife cooked it. I carried it.

Oh, you carried it? All the way home.

I did it with Charlie.

She's Bandy.

She's Bandy? No, her name's Bandy.

Oh, Bandy.

Yeah, yeah.

I entertained her.

You ate her potato.

No, I entertained her. You entertained her. Yeah.

You know, she pinched my doodle.

She, uh... She... She got hold of my doodle.

Your, uh... Your yanky doodle?

No, my crispy doodle.

Please. I thought you were going to get Russell Hardy.

Yeah, we were about to talk in thought.

I'll let you mention Eamon Andrews. Eamon Andrews? He said I'll let you

Eamon Andrews. I'll let you mention Eamon Andrews. I'll let you mention

Andrews. I'll let you mention Eamon

Andrews.

Ladies and gentlemen, the lovely Pan's people.

Love for sale.

Appetizing young love for sale.

Love that's fresh and still unboiled.

Love that's only lightly soiled. Love.

Yes, come here, mother, because it's right here for sale.

Let the forest pipe of love in the childish way.

If you want to.

From Hollywood comes Yield to the Dawn, preceded by scenes from last week's

episode. Was you ever unfaithful to me, Henry?

Yeah, Bessie, I was once.

Just the once.

We sure could use that once now.

Say,

shall I slip into something a little more comfortable?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'd give it to you, Woody.

Say, this is much more comfortable.

How you going on, little Timery?

My word, you got enough fruit there to last you the rest of your life.

There's your husband's medicine, and that's a laxative for the horse.

You won't get a muddled up, will you?

It'd be a shame to lose a good horse.

He'll be up and about in no time at all.

You know, you're going to have a hell of a job getting a coffin down this

stairs.

You know, my late wife never smoked, you know. Wouldn't allow it in the house.

Never drank either.

You wouldn't allow it in the house. And no off -color stories. You would never

allow anybody to swear in the house. She was a woman of great high moral

standards.

Tell me, how did she die?

I shot her.

The only way to live.

God, the pains are coming back.

You'll be late for the office.

Did you know Jenny's leaving, huh?

Got herself a job as a secretary, she says. I ask you, what kind of a stupid

idiot would employ her as a secretary?

Missy, if you should marry again, you won't let him wear my clothes, will you?

There, there.

Of course not.

They wouldn't fit Jack anyway.

This week's episode, Lean on My Crutch.

Miriam, there's someone at the door.

Well, open it.

I can't reach the handle.

You will drive me to my grave.

I'll go and get the car out.

Hi, everybody.

Are you Harry and Blanche?

Harry and Blanche.

No. He was having some of my chicken soup.

Were you with him when he died?

Yeah, a while.

He didn't say anything about a hacksaw, did he? No.

Oh. And he said, let me have it back when he's finished with it. He must have

finished with it by now.

Wow, what the hell's that?

Oh, it's only Sonny. He's reversing the car out of the garage.

That's clever. I reversed it in. Don't worry.

He'll get it back when he's finished with it.

Every time you come here, you always ask how Shirley...

Today you don't ask, how surely? Okay, how surely?

Don't ask.

One. What?

Without a word? Without her mommy?

My baby? My little baby? Miriam, she's 42 years old!

Ah, she could get married.

What does she want to get married for? She can type.

She can type 60 words a minute. Yeah, Tina, 60 words. Miriam, it was the same

word!

She still figures no man's good enough for her.

She may be right. She may be left.

She can have any man she pleases. She don't please any of them.

She just plays hard to get.

Right on.

So who are these fellas, Miriam? Who are these wonderful fellas? Marvin the

Mastermind? That's a crossword puzzle. It says to egg on. He puts toast.

Goes out and buys the digital grandfather.

once a week, knocks at the front door, shows her the lining of his raincoat.

Where is this man? Some of the girls follow him everywhere.

Yeah, that can be very embarrassing after ten beers.

He is a cop, Miriam. Last week he killed a guy.

Well, he fired three warning shots.

Into his back.

Miriam, you've got to accept the fact she's gone for good. She took her

dartboard with her.

Now she's gone and taken my pickup truck.

Our daughter's gone and all...

Sure you'll get it back when she's finished with it. Say, can I borrow your

drill? My new power drill?

Come on, you'll get it back when he's finished with it. Don't they have

of their own?

Don't worry, you'll get it back when we're finished with it.

They got so much of our stuff in their house, they feel more at home in their

house than they do in mine.

You move.

Hi,

I just moved in across the hall.

Do you think I could borrow a cup of sugar?

Yeah, sure, sure, a cup of sugar. Yeah, well, yeah, of course.

Do you have a cup?

Size 38.

Well,

there you go.

Sure holds a lot, doesn't it?

I haven't unwrapped my crockery yet. Do you think you'd care to come over and

undo some things?

Well, I... Unwrap some packaging for me?

Miriam, I'm just popping out for a bit. Of what?

Well, Miriam, it's a little girl, you know, moving across the hall. I've just

got to give her a hand.

Is that what they call it? You dog, you. I know what she wants. We all know what

she wants.

Miriam, I...

ones as well, but don't worry. You'll get it back when she's finished with it.

Thank you, Harry.

Harry, have you ever heard of Lady Finn Ciaran's bottom?

Oh, yes. I know all about Finn.

I've often admired her bottom.

She's got long brown hair, a slim waist, big tips.

I've seen her flipping them under the plate at the Savoy.

Oh, yes. Her husband's so rich.

Also has a million pounds worth of jewelry.

Thanks.

And I mean to get my hands on it.

You're a cool one.

Oh, what makes you say that?

Midnight, you'd steal a woman's jewelry just as you'd steal a woman's husband.

Never forget your friend.

At midnight, this is the last time.

It's a big one, Harry.

After this, we'll go straight.

We could have a wonderful life village in Scotland or the West. I don't want to

go on forever.

Harry, are you trying to tell me something?

It'll be a crime if we split up.

It's going to be a crime anyway.

Darling.

Titties, I suppose.

The Ben boys don't like titties.

Plain window, Miss Potts.

Go on.

They're quite a sight, aren't they?

They are really large, aren't they?

Ours, my pet.

Oh, how I've longed to get my hands on those.

Ah, Midnight, you're wonderful.

I knew you'd never let me down.

Scotch will do fine.

What makes you say that?

You can't leave me. Where would you go to?

Australia.

Australia?

I'll be one of the new Australians.

But I thought we agreed to stay together.

That was before I got my hands on bees.

I haven't seen you before, have I?

No, I spent most of the journey in the... You must have been lonely in

Yes, I was wrong.

Man, I'm a ghost!

I thought you were with Midnight.

I was.

bad in the barmaid.

For the cutthroats and tinkers and secret xenopod drinkers.

On the run.

From the Salvation Army.

Vickers guilty of arsons.

And knickerless parsons.

There's a fly spray inventor called Kinder, he puts starch in his spray. He

in that way they don't die, they just glide out the window.

The barmaid's from Wigan and boy gum she's a big 'un. She boys tough to wear

bras with her, Cash.

She says, they don't elevate and they don't separate, but they keep what

got nice and fresh.

Into this strange milieu came Wild Jack McGrew, like a maverick that no one

could iron it.

He'd eat after eight minutes at a quarter past six, washed down with a

wind carnage.

This daring young man used to take fillet sand, even though he was only

One night he took Rosie and said, Sue, my beer's cloudy.

She said, no, love, it's your glass that is dirty.

She winked her good eye.

The one with the stye.

And he looked at her audience strange.

He said, I'm such a funny that I can spit money.

There's a dollar. She said, there's your change.

They were married next day in old Monty Ray.

We'll have him home in Chocop... In Fisco, he said.

He replied, what for?

I've been there before. So he took her sister instead.

At the time, Jack turned to crime. He kidnapped the mayor's mother -in -law,

Mrs. Bunny.

Then the fool sent her home with the ransom, though.

And the mayor sent her back with the money.

One night by the corral, he met Penny Celine Sal, whose

favour, as I'm told, can be bought for drinks and free meals. And she wears 18

-inch heels because she don't like to sell herself short.

Jack, fool, that is nice.

Does so.

if you value your life, you'll put your new watch on this wrist of mine.

And with trembling hands, she obeyed his command.

He says, on my wrist, that watch looks real fine.

Then he started to gloat. And he held the knife to her throat. She said,

let me go, because I'm late. I have to be home by nine.

So could you tell me the time?

He says, sure, love. It's just half past... So she took the knife out of

Jack. And she took her watch back.

She said, soon, Jack, you won't be alive.

He said, before I go, there's one thing I must know.

What's the time?

And she said, oh, no.

It's 8 .45.

Thank you.