Original subtitles

And has my little angel been a good boy? Oh, yes, very good indeed.

Mummy, mummy, mummy, I'm only like a thundered. Uh -uh, no, no, thundered.

Thundered. Thundered.

Thundered.

And Daddy and me slept together.

Uh -uh, again?

Daddy and me slept together.

No, chérie.

Daddy and I slept together.

I was on Thursday. I'm talking about Monday, you know.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Betty Hill Show.

And here he is, Betty Hill.

Nothing was just my daughter and me when the hoodlum come in. They took the

jukebox and the money out of the till.

And when I went up through the door and my daughter said, poor, I hung her to a

$50 bill.

I said, now, how in the heck did you do that? Well, I was sitting on his bed, my

daughter. Now, I said, if only your dear, sweet mother had been here, we

have saved the jukebox as well.

But at Benny's place, last night at ten, Big Chief's chicken bowl blew in. He

had a plate of beans, and then he blew out again. You're lucky, Donald, at

Benny's place.

Now, I went to see Pete about getting some meat from the barbecue on Saturday

night. When his English rose with the turned -up nose came in from the caravan

site. Now Pete said to me, say, I pray thee, what might be that fair maidens

won't? She stuck her bucket on the counter and she said, a pound of fillet.

Pete said, a pound you don't.

But there is, girl, a real world bread.

And we like them in blue and we like them in red. We love them the best when

got them in green.

You'll like it down the down, you'll like it.

Now six hell's angels come in here one night and started picking on some little

guy. Now they pulled his hair and they pushed him off his chair and when he

I thought that he was going to cry.

One hell's angel said he ain't much of a man to let a gang like us do just what

it likes. I said he ain't much of a driver because he's just backed his

over six brand new motorbikes.

But I said he's place. We never get tight. You can drink 30 pints and it's

all right. But we did have one fella burst last night. You like it, Don? I

he's place.

Now, so Charlie parked outside his car. I said, now tell me where's your

beautiful wife?

I said, that woman of yours, she just radiates happiness. She radiates the

of life.

Now she radiates wisdom.

She radiates joy when she's speaking.

He said, that's great. But at the moment, mate, my radiator is leaking.

But at Benny's place, you get pork and beans.

The waitresses are all the beauty queens.

They all walk around in them open neck jeans.

Come on down to Benny's. Come and spend your panties. You like it down at

Benny's place.

And welcome to the opening night of Leprechaun Television. And I see by the

clock on the wall that the little hand is on the six, and the big hand is on

two, which means that it's quarter past six.

There's a day in England, 6 .45.

So it's time now for the seven o 'clock news.

Shut that door!

Introduce tonight. Shut that door!

Is that a grating? Is it hurt?

In the main square of Hoyley today, police fired warning shots over the

rioting nuns, killing 17 people in the surrounding High -Royce flats.

London and Tim O'Dooley found last week shouting Dennis Healey is a stupid great

twit outside number 11 Downing Street, was today given three months for being

drunk and disorderly, and three years for contravening the Official Secrets

country's most polluted river, today caught fire.

Sadly, there was nothing to put it out with.

Local firemen improvised.

Today was the coldest day for this fan of a year since records began. In

the O 'Connell Flasher was seen describing himself to several ladies.

But we are due for a change, and next week it'll be muggy.

followed by Tewkie, Weggie and Birdie.

The English Prime Minister, seen here with members of his cabinet, today held

emergency meeting to discuss the committee's findings on the... Oh,

Are sheepdogs becoming obsolete?

Sussex farmer Arnold Flan, seen here with some of his sheep.

That's the end of the news. I'm sorry.

Oil.

Coffee.

Blackcurrant juice.

We wash one in a high -price detergent, the other in Fairdale Bend.

The result, not a heap of the difference.

Ah, no, I don't smoke.

But here, try one of these.

Oh, that bolo, the mint with the hole in the middle, yes.

Let's try one of them, yes.

What the hell is that?

My cold blaster.

I've been looking for a cold blaster.

Sure, and we all get cold this weather, don't we, eh?

Symptoms in the head, but mostly here in the nose.

You get the chopped lips here, the sore throat, but when the nose gets stuck

up...

and I really mean that most sincerely.

Pardon me, little frog in the throat. Now, here is the lovely Angela with our

guests for this evening.

And tell me, Angela, who have you brought along this evening?

Frida Unction from Cork. Well, Frida Unction from Cork, will you sit down?

thank you very much, Angela, for bringing her along.

Who have you brought along this evening?

The singing dentist, Phil McCafferty. The singing dentist, Phil McCafferty.

put one over on me there, didn't you? Well, we want to hear him.

I love the dirt of the change in your hair and the brand that's all furrowed

lingered with care.

I've chipped a dear finger, so toyed one for me.

God bless you and keep you, Father, my free.

And now for my next number, I don't give a hell of a donny god, it's very

popular.

No, I don't think there's anything broken. I'm not sure.

It's only a scratch.

Are you sure it's only a scratch? But whether it's a scratch or not, we'll

to repaint it. I know we'll have to repaint it.

It's always repainted.

I hate the clock.

It's a real treat for all sporty lovers.

Dickie O'Davis. Dickie O'Davis.

And here we are with the cricket.

At Ballymundi, the Terry Cricket captain was out today for a duck when a very

fast bale took up both his... Very fast ball took up both his bales.

Boxing and the Brown and Hathaway champion last night was knocked out in

fifth round.

His manager said he'd have done better and lasted longer if only he had cut

on the smoking and the drinking.

And the sex.

Especially between the rounds.

And at Brown and Meadow today, Colonel Peggy Fields got three wounds.

He also got two cows and a goat, but they don't count.

And football referee Sean Lamb was yesterday reprimanded by nothing at all.

Reprimanded by the FA.

For his handling of Saturday's cook toy.

You want to go for a walk?

Yeah, all right then, yeah. Would you bring me back one?

Mine fell out just now.

That's me and the wife taking a black man last year.

Have you got any pictures of the wife in the nude?

Of course I have not.

Do you want to buy some?

Nathan White Thurkes talks to the king of the squealers, the man with 200, with

20 ,000 pounds on his head.

Are you not afraid that one day these gangsters who are out to kill you will

find out who you are?

Oh, indeed I am.

I wouldn't tell her of being discovered.

Absolute terror.

If my identity became revealed, I'd be marked, ma 'am.

I think you're sitting in my chair.

Tell me, are you not afraid that one day these gangsters who are at...

Can we go again?

Eight o 'clock, and it's time for Masterbrain.

You have chosen to answer questions on general knowledge. Is that right?

That.

What is celery?

High -class wedges.

Anemic rhubarb.

What is bologna?

Sausage.

Bologna is where you find the hem of a nice girl's skirt.

What do you call Russian napkins? Ha! Soviets.

Why do cows wear bells round their necks?

Because their horns don't work.

Well done.

And you will be.

What does it mean when your palm itches?

The litters are coming.

And when you itch all over?

They've arrived.

Oh, Duffy fell down two flights of stairs with a pint of whiskey. None was

spilled. Why was that?

He kept his mouth shut.

What is higher purchase?

Higher purchase is feathering your nest.

With a little darn. A little darn.

Higher perches are what brave budgies stand on.

What is a bachelor?

A man who hasn't thought seriously about getting married.

A man who has thought seriously about getting married.

What is an asset?

A little donkey.

A little donkey's bed.

A pathologist.

A man who can find his way through a wood.

Unabridged. A river you have to wait across.

What is it that a man does standing up?

A woman does sitting down.

And a dog does with one leg raised.

Pass.

Pass what?

I don't know the answer.

The answer is shake hands.

I am 19 years old. I have a lovely, soft -speaking voice, a gorgeous figure, a

passionate disposition, soft red lips.

Eyes like pools of liquid. I own a pub and I don't drink. Who am I?

Who cares?

Kiss me.

That is the end of program parade tonight.

You fool.

You promised to make me happy.

It's us Britons. It's a crime.

They've done him, old Charlie Clinger. The chariot wheel went over his finger.

Mind, he was scratching his backside at the time.

Do you know they feed us pickled pork tough enough to break your fork?

They serve you up your gravy by the slice.

I tell you, it's either overcooked or raw.

I think it's their religious law. It's either a burnt offering or a bloody

sacrifice.

We sleep 80.

to a cell and you ought to cop a smell.

But you know what the one thing is that I think about that gets me through the

night? My wife left Bristol.

And gone to live in York.

So at least her and the kids will be alright.

Every week I take some of the kind of lines and they chuck us to the lines.

Albert, he killed one lion after he provoked it. He trod iron on its tail.

And this lion lets out a wail and bit off Albert's head, and that's what

it.

It's a bit like football, in a way, because they play it every Saturday.

They throw the lion's virgins without a pitch. They don't make them lions roar.

And do you know what the score? You never get spectators on the pitch.

Once Cleopatra came past, clasping her little ass.

I couldn't help wondering how those red lips of hers tasted.

Then Harold starts to snigger. He says, she's got an hourglass figure.

I says, aye, and not a minute of it wasted.

She says, slave, you come with me. I shall want you to see that my skin is

as soft and smooth as silk.

She puts money in my hand. She says, take these 200 cans and get 200 cans of

pure goat's milk. Well, I nearly had a fit. She had a bath in it.

And she says, clean out the bath like you've been taught.

Well, I drained it back into the cans.

And I sold it round the town.

And what's more, I sold two more cans than I bought.

She says, tonight we'll have an orgy.

Now, I always thought it was orgy. But she says, no, love, an orgy is when

there's four, and orgy is when there's three.

Because the third one says, orgy, there's no one here for me, and goes out

door.

She says, help me prepare.

And she lets me brush her hair. Well, she's got a dress on. Well, at least

laughing. She says, give me my giggle garters.

I said, why are they called giggle garters?

She says, because once you get past them, old son, you're laughing.

Then she grabs hold of my thighs.

And she looks into my eyes.

And says, for your wildest desires, I'd gladly take her.

There's me holding Cleopatra's charms in my two trembling arms. So I...

Blast, here come them lions. I'll tell you later.

Cutters of Little Hampton here are some of those naughty

bits.

And they grew up in a way that we

never seemed to fall.

Super Nature.

Super Nature.

Super Nature.

Super Nature.

Super Nature.

Super Nature.

Super Nature.

Super Nature.

Super Nature.

Super Nature.

At the Thames Drama School pupils are not permitted to paraphrase and by that

mean if the script says he was bent on seeing her then you must say he was bent

on seeing her and not the sight of her doubled him up.

And you have to keep the script and with this in mind the passing out piece is

this poem by Walter Winchell and it's called Faith, Hope and Charity and it

to be read as it was typed 20 years ago on a very old typewriter.

on which the letter H was missing.

Here, then, is Fate, Ope and Carity by Whatta

Winkle.

Professor of Czechoslovakian philosophy and maths.

Next door to a sop that sells fish and kips in Arrow O 'Neill

lived Philip.

Pissy old therapist.

He comes all caught in pills.

He was very muck in love with a girl called June.

He pwned her whenever he could.

He sent her a cock -a -lip -bop.

Cock -a -blop with cock -a -lip.

But it didn't do any good.

He picked her favorite flowers.

gave them to her in a bunk.

He tried to sin up her drainpipe.

So she invited him in for a lunk.

She offered him kicking sand wickers and a charcoal -drilled lamb cop.

He just kept smoking and queuing his queuing gun.

She thought he'd never stop.

She said, I can't enjoy our little cat.

With your ass all over the floor.

Why don't you put your ass in the ashtray?

That's what the damn thing's for.

He said, marry me or live with me.

I really don't care, Wick.

She said, I'll give you my boot, you uncute ute.

Get out. Don't come back till you're Rick.

Then along came Phoebe.

Wearing a King Killifer coat.

that almost raked to the ground.

The couple met in a laundrette while he was watching his wazzing go round.

He said, I'm no soapier, Lauren.

I know that my fate's not so hot. I may be old in a toot.

My teat may be full.

But I could give you a suck a lot.

Most peasant, you drink killed campaign as you lay on some sun -drinked beak.

I may be 63, but I've the skin of a peak.

He said, yeah, 63 -year -old peak.

He said, show me a little charity and you shall have my last farting.

Of tack, I give you my word.

They were married next day, a farragut way.

Thursday, Mark Latour.

When I banged on the door of his fine -oaming kickster, I got like a nasty

I owed him mutter and spit.

To his dog, who was running amok.

He had a happy life, full of good care, and a lady Tatty could adore.

He said a May -December marriage worked fine for him, but then June at the house

next door.

I give you the toast.

Dentist everywhere.

Dentist!

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm delighted to welcome to the show the lovely

Okay, let's go, blue eyes.

I see a man in a white tuxedo

sitting at the bar.

He's got a crooked smile.

Dance, Sam.

Okay, sweetheart.

Do you want to dance?

First he gives me a red carnation, and that cook is mine.

Should I take a chat?

Play it again, Sam.

Of all the bars in all the towns in all the world, you had to pick on mine.

Why don't you do nothing?

Oh, Dad, there's a lady at the door asking for you. I think she wants to

something. Oh, dear.

Yeah, well...

From Hollywood

to California.

this week's episode, Wonder Grand meets Dracula.

to bed.

Oh, here comes that lock again. See you soon.

Thank you.