Original subtitles

Yes, it's the Benny Hill Joe.

With a host of your favorite stars, right?

Tony Hatch and Jackie Trent.

Uh, Jackie Trent and Tony Hatch.

If that's true, then isn't it odd that diamonds are a girl's best friend, but a

man's best friend is his dog.

And that was a flop for a start.

Man and woman, woman and man, they've been at each other's throats

ever since the world began.

And his huge male bottle.

And he's in a picture full of drama. Defeat of Napoleon.

Here is Philip in lighter mood as he brings you the policeman's ball.

The Capulet Cooler.

The Shalini Brothers.

There were ten green bottles hanging on the wall.

Ten green bottles hanging on the wall. And if one green bottle should

accidentally fall,

there'd be...

And here he is, the lad himself, Bernie Hill!

Now, what is that good for eating?

Rabbit food is good for love.

Swimming is good for my finger.

Have you never had a look at a duck?

If you want to save money on the island, and cut down on your festival bill.

You must give me the tiny wheel to the front of your car and you'll always be

going downhill.

Now,

my wife has a 17 husband, including four of her own.

Last week was our anniversary, so just before I left home, I wrote her a check

for 1 ,000 pieces.

Just as daylight was dawning, I got back at night and said your chick was just

right because the milkman cashed it this morning.

Coconut milk, coconut butter, coconut milk.

Now my wife is watching a million.

Now how often have you heard that said?

But my wife's not one in a million. She looks like she's one in a raffle

instead.

She goes so fast, I think I'll promise me that. She will run ten miles every

day. And if she starts soon, by the end of next June, she'll be four hundred

miles away.

Then I will drink coconut milk.

Coconut butter is a good idea to bring you deep in the middle and forget it as

well. You dance to the rhythm of the coconut shell.

is going to pit its skill against the brain of a man.

But no ordinary man.

This man has been called Superhead, Mark the Brain, Wonder Mind.

He has been trained and finely tuned to absolute perfection by his mentor, Mr.

Fred Scuttle.

I had no idea he was on, sir.

And Mr. Scott? Dr.

Scott, if you don't mind, sir.

It says so on the door there.

Actually, it says nursing sleeping quarters.

I have the run of the place, sir. They don't tie me down.

Unless it's a full moon.

You exercise your prerogative.

If it's slack.

Tell us, sir, about your protege, your disciple.

His name is Arnold, and I must warn you, sir, that he comes...

He's the one who broke it. It's neither here nor there.

I got them landed!

Oh, don't give me a start like that. Stand over there.

You told me to stand here.

Never mind where I told you to stand. Stand where I told you.

He doesn't look very bright. Not bright.

Give me two pronouns.

Who, me?

Let's meet this genius.

He wasn't a genius when I met him, sir. When I met him, he just had 15 jobs in

four months, sir.

Yeah, he'd been at the Chinese takeaway, the Irish giveaway.

At the Garden of Remembrance, he forgot to open the gates.

At the monastery, Father Rafferty asked him what he knew about Damascus.

He said it kills 99 % of all our old girls.

Can I be sued for bleaching the priest?

He has been bad, sir. You might not realise it, sir, but he, six months ago,

a heart transplant.

Only the donor was a woman.

And now he's fallen in love with himself.

And he doesn't fancy him.

Anyway, he was so ill recently, sir, that he tried to commit suicide by

500 aspirins. What happened?

Well, after he took the first two, he felt better.

He's all right now, sir. He's all right, yes.

He's able to stand on his own. Is he?

Oh.

Just, sir. Only just.

Yes, yes, yes.

I'll tell you something, sir. You might not realise this, sir. But, because I

use a lot of what they call hypnotism.

you see.

And on the hip that he holds it, you see, if I put him out, he can answer

questions before I've asked them. Really? Yes. Hang on, hang on. I'll

put him on top of it.

Deep sleep, deep sleep.

Empty, empty your mind, empty your mind.

Here's a dustbin.

Deep sleep. You're getting tired, you're getting more and more tired, you're

getting sleepy.

Sleep, deep sleep. Deep sleep.

Bye!

When I click my fingers... Not you!

When I click my fingers, you will be Wonderbrain! Right, off you go!

Hawaii Five -O!

Hawaii Five -O.

That was a question.

Aviation from it

lucky.

Hello?

Did we exchange?

Oh, hello, Vicar.

Yeah, here, here, Vicar. I got my umbrella back, by the way. Yeah.

Like you said, if I come to church, you will go through the Ten Commandments,

and when you come to, they shall not steal.

I used to look around and see if I see anybody looking guilty.

Well, I got it back, yeah.

No, Vicar, it was when you said, thou shalt not commit adultery, I remember

where I left it.

Lady Cruncher, hang on bigger, I'll see if she's here. Hold on, hold on.

Oh, hello, Godfrey, is Lady Cruncher about?

Aye. All right.

Here, Godfrey, good night last night, was it, eh?

I was on the Asti Spumanti till I couldn't say it, and then I went on the

I must say, Godfrey, I very much admired her ladyship's gold -plated toilet.

That was very nice, that.

She don't have a gold -plated toilet, but she has got a spare room.

Where his lordship keeps his euphonium.

All right, dicker, hang on. Stop pulling your end.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to couple you up with a nicker right now.

we are.

Oh, that dirty old devil.

Hello, Miss Udden.

Well, I know Plymouth's a long distance... Oh, you want a long distance

Plymouth, do you? Hang on one second.

the milk, Mother.

Mother, you forgot to stay in the milk. Thank you,

Mother.

I'll kill that bloody cat.

Hello, why is it, Mrs. Bush?

Your ass is on fire?

Oh, bloody hell, I'll try and get the fire brigade for you.

You're getting flooded out.

Well, I'm sorry, the plumber ain't on the tube.

Well, you have to just stand on the metal piece and open the window.

Hang on.

Waste not, want not.

She would like to be coupled with you.

And she would like to know if you would play for the blow.

Will you do that? Thank you kindly. Ready when you are.

Are you ready?

Just right, thank you.

I'm coupling you up now.

Yes,

Mr. Ardcastle. Hang on, hang on, Mr.

Ardcastle.

Dr. Roffner, I've got Mr. Ardcastle for you. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, Doctor, by the way, I should like to say...

Thank you very much for them virility pills you give me when I come round to

your house last week.

And I'd also like to apologise for that little incident in your waiting room.

With your wife.

Oh, is she better?

Oh, that is better.

I'll couple you up with Sir Hardcastle right now.

Good.

God bless their soul.

I'll ask him. I'll say, Doctor, could you send him over a sleeping pill? Could

he be slayed the last one?

Thank you, Doctor.

That's lovely. Right.

Stand by, Mr.

Adcastle. I'm going to blow it over. Open your mouth wide.

Wider.

That's lovely.

I'll go right down and won't touch the sides. Here we go.

Got it?

What do you mean, yes and no?

It's in your ear.

This might mean a knighthood.

Hi, I'm here. Oh, hello, Your Royal Highness. Yes, Prince Albert. Yes, I'm

On the throne, is she, right?

As soon as she's off to you, cut the phone, right? Yes, I'm here coming now.

Yes, yes, I'm ready. I'm ready, Prince Albert, sir. Yes, I am. Right.

Happy birthday to you.

if you were the mini -budget. Well, of course, we're interested in our mini

-holidays, and you can go walking and dorking, shooting and tooting, sailing

hailing, and karting and fun.

Here are a couple of items for those of you with a little more to spend.

and this is Jenny Lee Wright.

How did the hotel Toulouse -Waldorf get its name? Why is it called Toulouse?

We only have Toulouse.

And why Waldorf? They are both Waldorf.

Let me see the delivery.

Yes, sir.

It's 300 pesetas all included.

Is that with the VAT?

Yes, but not with the TIP.

From Spain, you can have gazpacho soup, very nice.

Or from France, from Paris, there is asparagus and onion soup.

From England, brown winter soup, very nice.

Where's the coccolichi? First on the right and the corner.

You know, I do all cook myself.

Oh, single -handed.

No, I use both hands.

Sometimes I make little sausages for English people.

Oh, you use your own fingers? No, I use sausages.

But don't you have a waitress?

We do, but she is upstairs. She is with the patron, you know, dancing lesson.

Doing the boss a favour? Doing the boss a favour, I think.

I never go out there. It makes a very busy day for you. Si, senorita. What we

say in Spain is, I get up with chickens.

I suppose you go to bed with the cows.

No, I go to bed with the wife, senor.

The paella is very nice, very nice. The beef for the paella comes from Manolo

Uncle Farm.

I have 17 lady scouts and two men scouts. Bullocks, it's true.

And, you know, only this morning, only this morning,

Manolo have buy me goose.

I don't know.

Manolo Portuguese.

No, Manolo Espanol.

Manolo is not Portuguese.

No, Espanol. Could you tell me the name of a good wine?

Something that'll make me feel romantic.

Si, senorita. Valdepeñas is the most expensive wine in all of Spain. The

like it.

You are passionate.

I beg your pardon?

She's passionate.

You're passionate. It's on page one. You keep passionate.

Valdepeñas. In Spain, the ladies are no orderly wine. The men are orderly wine

in Spain.

She has a perfect right. She has a perfect left.

But...

It's chicken soup.

No mushroom.

Why did he make a noise like a chicken? He can't do a mushroom.

In the kitchen.

Deeply, deeply, deeply in the kitchen.

Senorita, senorita, you barf alone, eh?

I beg your pardon?

You see, you barf alone, eh?

You being barf...

In the golf course.

He's boiling over.

Uh, uh, figure.

Uh, hello there.

Uh, uh, Peter Cronin.

Inada.

Could you, could you turn it up, please?

Oh, turn it up. Could you turn both men out on the table, please?

On the foot of the sea, here we have a very beautiful crab. What do you think

it? Oh, it's not fresh.

No, no, it's fresh.

It's so fresh. Today, it crawled out of the sea, across the road, onto my stall.

I think maybe he's throwing something on the way.

ever been to? Are you the most inept, incompetent, cumbersome, boorish waiter

I've ever encountered?

It is too late to apologize!

Oh, you know the trouble with the English.

They are such messy eaters, look at them.

Ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome the lovely Felicity Burski.

must go but don't look at the clock don't hear the tick tock

come close i want this moment to

linger i want for the time to stand still

don't let the clock move a finger

Not while your arms are so thrilling.

The clock can't know what I'm feeling.

These precious moments we're stealing.

Locked up for who?

Who take time out for who?

Let's take the time to make love.

Let's say that love isn't here.

I can't imagine it ending.

Not while your lips are so near.

For the rest of the night, let's take the time to make love.

Dawn will be here, and then you'll disappear.

Please make the time to make love.

if when we leave here after the meal, you know, we go back to my place, I hope

we might have a little bit of fun.

How dare you?

If you think I'm the sort of girl that can be bought with a meal and a few

drinks, you're very much mistaken.

I'm sorry.

Waiter.

Separate checks, please.

Waiter, garçon.

Look in Madame's soup. There's a fly.

A fly.

In the soup.

La mouche.

La mouche. No, no, no, monsieur. La mouche. It is feminine.

I say, you've got damn good eyes.

What is it, Harry?

Look, a man shouldn't keep things from his wife.

bothering you, isn't it?

You see, my wife doesn't understand me.

Mine don't either.

How

about

stains?

Don't worry about stains, madam.

The easy clean will soon get rid of them. You watch.

Nothing to worry about, madam.

I hear you're proud and you're

happy.

Here he is now.

Bob Hiller!

Oh,

the couple are dancing.

the newborn child in the shack that was falling to bits.

The mother said, let's call him Johnny. And the father said, let's call him

Chris. And when Johnny was four, his father was too poor to buy toys from the

Christmas shop shelf.

So he just fired his gun and he told his young son, Father Christmas, I'd shot

himself.

Now one day his mother took him to a fair and he went on a roundabout.

Now he giggled with glee, then I want to go away.

Everyone heard the boy shout.

She took him by the hand from the fairground they ran, and she took him

big tree.

She said, there, shut your mouth. You can go wee now. He took a deep breath,

he went, wee.

And then he said, please, can I go around again more?

Please, can I go around again?

Now, I love the sound of the merry go around more. Please let me go around

again.

I'll do all of my homework, and I'll even kiss old Annie Gwen.

And I won't shout out loud, and I'll make you proud. Oh, please let me go

again.

Well, be dance with it, you mistress.

She said, Johnny, you're wicked and you're bad.

I wish I was your mom for just half an hour. John said, I'll have a word with

dad. Then someone dropped a lit cigarette down the back of her dress,

didn't shout.

She just walked up the floor and she said, What a bore. I should just have to

sit that one out.

Johnny said, Then can we go round again, Miss Rose?

Please, can we go round again?

I've not been this close to a woman before, and heck knows when I will

I tell you the truth, I could dance with you till the cows come home. And then I

could dance with the cows. So please, Miss Rose, please let me go around

Now at 18, Irene, with the hourglass figure, got him and a heck of a mix.

Her pa came round and Johnny was found with his hands on the corner to six.

They were married and stayed at the church by the bay, 10 a .m. 15th of

She looked lovely and white, but she said, Johnny, tonight, he said, the heck

with tonight, it's afternoon.

¶¶ ¶¶

a creature of habit. If he came home early, his wife thought he was after

something. If he came home late, she thought that he'd had it.

He was just 31 on the day he passed on was the way that he hoped it would be.

He was shot by a beauty queen's husband in a fit of jealousy.

And as he lay on the floor, the priest was sent for with his last iron breath,

shall he confess?

I spent all of my money on women and drink, and like a fool, I squandered the

rest.

Lord, can I go round... again please could i go around again why i can't

believe that i'll never see your sky or your trees again oh the girls and the

wine and the living was fine and i shouldn't complain but then you give

short rides on this background of yours lord oh please let me go around again

Thank you so much for being with us, and we'll look forward to seeing you all

again very soon. Until then, bye -bye.

Thank you.

Thank you.

um oh