Original subtitles

Yep, it's the Benny Hill Show, and here he is, Benny Hill!

All married life with a beautiful wife is many a man's proud boast.

But I say, why burn the house down just because you fancy toad?

When Jason was born, his wife said, I must warn you, he'll learn manners from

me, not from you.

He'll say, Mommy dear, I want to whisper.

Not I'm breaking my neck for the loo.

One night a young cop climbed out of his cot. He said, I want to whisper, Daddy

dear. And poor Diah Jay, who was hardly awake, said, well, whisper in Daddy's

ear. Oh, married life with eight kids and a wife.

Everywhere you look, there's a nappy.

Why make one woman miserable when you've been made so many so happy?

Marie said for a mink she would do anything, so I took her to the quarry

Saturday. The man said, I'll need two days to clear your cheque. Oh, you

take the first oath, do we?

I went back on Monday. He said, it's not funny. The cheque of yours is

worthless, my friend.

You've been wasting my time as if yours were not mine because I've had a

smashing weekend.

And when you can't join a library, why should you buy a book?

Now, one day I fell and I married Nell. I've learnt a lot about marriage since

then. If you want to keep her happy, you must buy her a mirror. She'll look in

it again and again.

And if she's beautiful, she'll think how lucky you are to have such a beautiful

wife. But if she's ugly, she'll think how lucky you are to have such a

wife. Oh, I think she'll know the true happiness of married life I have had.

And all my married friends tell me that two out of 22 isn't bad.

Let's see what impression London has made on our visitors from across the

Channel. The Carpenter brothers, Tennon and Morty.

Yes. God bless you all at the right place.

I tell you, what was the first thing you bought when you arrived here?

Ah, toupee.

You hardly needed one.

I did, I was starving.

You were starving.

So you bought two pay?

Hey, two pay. A pay for me and a pay for him.

Two pay.

Right, wash your ears down, will you?

We weren't in a coffee, didn't we? And these two waitresses come over.

One of them had a lovely pair.

Well, they both did. They both did. He wanted a rape one.

He wanted a rape one. He wanted to... He wanted a rape one.

I didn't want a rape one.

He wanted a rape one. He had a rape one. And I had the unrape one.

He had the right pair.

Right, yeah. I was expecting Russell Hardy or Michael Carson. I had a beer.

What do you think of English beer? Oh, it's pure ale.

You like it?

Just told you, it's pure ale.

Pure ale? Yeah.

He had a drink there. He gave his drink to the dog. Well, it was lame.

The dog was lame? The drink was lame.

Have you never heard of lager and lame?

But most... You see, mostly lame.

I thought you'd gone home. I had to pay

full fare for him coming over.

I tell you, after that, all that drinking, he wanted to pee.

He wanted to... He wanted to pee, but he couldn't.

Why not?

He had no money. You can't pee without money.

He couldn't pay.

He even took this fellow's seat.

To drink?

To wash with, have a rinse, and the gents.

I see he borrowed a man's soap. Right. To have a thrill. Right. A Catholic.

He might have been a Protestant. I never asked.

What is the purpose of this visit? Well, he's hoping to go to Winchester.

He wants to enter the monastery.

Oh, the monastery of St. Luke's? No, the monastery of agriculture.

The ministry of agriculture. Right, you're getting it. You're getting it.

getting fruity eventually, isn't it?

You see, he has to behave.

At the ministry?

No, in the garden.

Well, why have you got to behave in the garden?

You wouldn't put a behave indoors, would you?

No, those bees, they're in the garden. Oh, beehive.

Right, you got it there, yeah.

I tell you, see, he studies them.

And by correlating the wingspan with the body weight, he has proved that it is

mathematically impossible for a bee to fly.

But the bee doesn't know that.

So the poor critter keeps on flying.

And what sort of work are you after? I'd like his uncle's job.

Ah, he's a dragon tester.

Sometimes he tests young women.

Aye, and sometimes he feels them.

He feels them? Yeah, well, they're sitting next to him, you know, and if

slip out of their gear, he has to feel them, doesn't he? Ah, or they give wrong

hand signals.

Oh, he feels them? Right, yeah, yeah, right, yeah.

Have you found Londoners hospitable?

Oh, yes. Peter's nice.

Leicester Square.

Leicester? Leicester Square. We met Peter in Leicester Square.

And he took us to a place of work.

Aye, aye. We've seen him getting the mail ready.

Oh, he's a postman. A chef.

Getting the mail ready. You got it. Right, right, right.

Then we've seen the place.

What place?

The Metropolitan Palace.

You see, they had noticed him.

Cutting up his mate.

Why did he cut up his mate? To put it into the pot.

Mate? Right, yeah, yeah.

And this officer come and he said, Irish stew.

Irish stew in the pot? Irish stew in the name of the law.

Why was he arresting him?

Well, you see, they had found his bacon hot in the pot.

His bacon hot?

His bacon hot. The hot he wears when he goes bacon on his bike.

He found his cycling hat in the... In the fork.

High fork? High fork.

High fork.

In the boot and the leg.

Ah. The leaking boot. Not the leaking boot. The boot and leg.

Through the floating leg. Right. You see, they had seen the wetness. The

of the hat. No, the wetness of the prosecution.

Where was he when brains was given out?

Get me a second handful of mouth.

But, mister, you see... You see, the farmer had left his children... It

the farmer, I told you. The gardener left his children in the wheelbarrow.

I actually don't know.

No, you see, the thing is, and they said that Peter's wife had taken a

speedometer. A speedometer on a wheelbarrow?

Not a speedometer. The speedometer.

Who has stayed home with us? Right!

Open the gate, sir. Send him up in a minute.

And she was charged by the police in the belly.

In the belly? In the belly, yeah. In the old belly.

Oh, the old belly.

Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what happened? She got nine months in jail,

suspended for two years.

Due to extenuate... Due to extenuate...

It's being written clock and time. That's what it was.

Yeah, yeah.

Did she understand the sentence?

Well, some prisoners find it hard to understand the judge's sentences.

Not half as hard as we find it trying to understand your sentences.

Are you going to explore further into England?

No, we're going home.

Oh, why?

Because it's the only place we speak bloody English.

Come on, William. Come on. Right. Well done.

From Sydney, Australia, comes Digger Blue.

Digger Blue.

Digger Blue.

Digger, say yes. No, say no.

Who's the detective on whom you...

Next episode, the case of the missing microfilm.

Lovely honey there.

I want my honey pot here in bed.

What a sweet little hand.

Come to bed, please. Oh, please, yes, sir.

Oh,

you've got here at last. Oh, go on, late.

Me selfish.

Five years I've been married, five years!

And not once has Angela called me selfish, you bitch!

George, please! Part of honor domestique!

Not too many.

Oh,

you're damn right.

I'm going down for some cigarettes.

You don't smoke.

I'll start now.

I have a red pencil book.

The teacher is writing it up on the blackboard.

Yes, I would like a second help in.

Oh! Charles!

You're going to Mother's for the weekend, eh?

Flat, flat.

Oh, Charles, please, you don't understand.

Couldn't you do better than that? I mean, what can he give you that I can't,

What?

I have a red pencil book.

Now, have you been making love to my wife? Yes, I would like a second help

Why? What have you done to her? Stop it!

Stop it!

Stop it!

Why do you say your lorries are very rich?

You come up to town for a conference and I find you with this woman. Oh, George,

you have... It is in my room. I was just passing and I saw this swine beating

his wife. So naturally I... You ought to be ashamed.

Well, what have you got to say for yourself?

I have a lovely bunch of coconut.

You're cute.

He is your husband?

Yes, yes, yes. He's just a little jealous.

Oh, come on.

Oh, mademoiselle.

Oh,

mademoiselle.

Mademoiselle, je t 'adore. Je t 'adore.

Je t 'adore. Je t 'adore.

Je t 'adore.

Je t 'adore. Je t 'adore. Je t 'adore.

Je t 'adore. Je t 'adore. Je t 'adore. Je t 'adore. Je t 'adore. Je t 'adore.

t 'adore. Je t 'adore. Je t 'adore. Je t 'adore. Je t 'adore. Je t 'adore. Je t

'adore. Je t 'adore. Je t 'adore. Je t 'adore. Je t 'adore. Je t 'adore. Je t

'adore. Je t 'adore. Je t 'adore. Je t 'adore. Je t 'adore. Je t 'adore. Je t

'adore. Je t 'adore.

of studios of Thames Television, where for every artist appearing in front of

the camera, there are four highly skilled technicians working to keep him

Now, in this hive of industry, they're working round the clock, night and day,

non -stop.

So I hope they won't be too cross with me if I interrupt this frantic activity

to speak with the man who's been in charge of them since the studios came

being, Mr. Fred Scuttle.

Good evening, sir. Good evening, sir.

I didn't know.

I was busy working, you see.

Mr. Scuttle.

Tell me.

You must have worked on an awful lot of programmes.

I've worked on a lot of awful programmes.

We've had them all here, you know. All the stars have been here. Oh, we've

had... Give me the moonlight.

Give me a girl.

Leave the rest... to me.

Yeah, yeah. We've had him. Magnus Pike.

We've had, we've had, ladies and gentlemen. I want to tell you a new

We have, we've had, uh... Dorothy Squires, yes.

The Harvard...

What, sir?

Oh, yes, yes, yes. No, no, no, sir, no. Prime Minister's never been here.

How about Max Bygrave? Oh, how about Max Bygrave?

Oh, I've worked with Max Bygrave, sir, and Anthony Bygrave, yeah. I worked with

the father and the son.

I'm just waiting for the only ghost now.

Who is your favourite comedian?

Oh, without a doubt, sir, Mike Spilligan.

Spike Milligan, sir.

I've had me nose fixed and now me mouth won't work.

Good job it wasn't Marty Feldman, didn't it?

Who decides what you watch in your house?

My wife's mother, ugly enough.

I tell you, when Bernard Manning's on, I can't get her away from the sets. She

sits in front, she won't budge. She keeps thinking someone's going to switch

on.

And who would be your favourite actor?

I would say, sir, Edward Woodward.

Edward Woodward. Don't put one too many, sir.

I know what to say. I just don't know when to stop, you see.

Oh, he's marvellous. He's very professional, you know, sir. Of course,

a funny little way, you know.

He's got little peccadillos.

I've never dressed him, sir.

But he's very professional, sir. I'll tell you how professional he is. The

day, he was doing a play live, and he had to clean his feet, sir.

And some idiot put down a cube of glue instead of toothpaste, sir. He carried

as if nothing had gone wrong at all. He wasn't upset afterwards?

No, he hardly ever mentions it.

From the thing of it, I don't think he's spoken since.

But you see, little things do go wrong. Only last week, one of the wardrobe

ladies was measuring Larry Grayson's inside leg and forgot she had a fag in

hand.

He wouldn't have minded, only he was wearing a kilt at the time.

And it seems he's fallen.

Hang on. I don't see many young men round here. They're all out doing the

locations, sir. They're doing our documentary on the North Sea oil.

They're up to the North Sea in their armpits, sir.

They are, sir, yes.

Hanging on to their earphones with one hand and playing out their cables with

the other.

And they get no extra money for that, you know, sir.

Their increments have been frozen? One of them dropped off, sir.

I expect they have their teething troubles.

Oh, they do, sir, yes. Especially when the sand gets in their grove.

I suppose you might say when the sand which is there gets in their sandwiches

there.

You might say that, sir.

Especially if you wanted one of them lumps to come down on your head.

I tell them, sir, if they get any sand in it, swill it in the sea like that,

sir. Just swill it in the water out there, sir, yes. Aren't they liable to

something? No.

Crabs, perhaps.

Not fish. A fish couldn't live in all that oil, you see.

Well, sardines, perhaps, but not other fish.

But what I always say to my lads is that a television company is only strong as

its weakest link.

And that is a function that they fulfil to perfection, sir.

Greatly said. I always remember what Huey Green told me, sir.

He said, always be sincere, even if you don't mean it.

Oh, you see, sir, I would never knowingly tell a lie unless it was

convenient.

These are the props for... Yeah, for the London night out, sir. Those two there,

they belong to the strongman, Captain Marvel, you think? He must have an awful

lot to put in his trunks.

Oh, yes, yes, that's full of cement, sir. The cement, he breaks them with his

head, sir, like that. Bang, bang goes for that, sir. Oh, what's in the other

one? Aspirins. It gives him a headache.

That stool there belongs to Rush Convoy.

It's very high, sir, because he plays the piano with his feet.

What does he do with his hands? Sticks them over his ears. He can't stand the

noise.

What's that?

That is our new young apprentice, Arnold, sir.

What's that funny thing on his shoulders? That's his head.

I've not seen biceps like that since Bonnie Langford stopped wearing short

sleeves, sir.

Do you smoke?

Yes. Thought you did the way you was puffing, then.

I say, are them fellas ready yet?

Well, pour them on, then.

You'll like these. They're marvellous. They're called the Cotton Mill Boys.

This is the musical story.

of a train that ran through America between Michigan and Arkansas.

And it was called the Orange Button Special.

Change. Platform two.

Forlug, firemen.

We're going downhill about 90 miles an hour, passing through open countryside,

green fields and meadows, lots of trees, bushes,

and little birds.

Many little birds.

Charlie the bird watcher.

So was Alfred Hitchcock.

He sees them all except the carrier pigeon just overhead.

Carrying... I was going to say carrying his message. He just dropped it.

Farmers!

Blow your horn.

There lived a widow called Maria.

She was very beautiful.

And she was very rich.

She had two children. One was Benito, the butcher.

The other one was Henri the Tyler.

Well, one day, they both decided to pay her a visit. And as they arrived at the

bronzer...

They would both pretend to kill each other, and the one she ran to first

be the one she would marry. Henri agreed.

Maria came running into the room. Mon Dieu, she cried, both of my suitors

Now I can marry the man I really love.

Gaston!

And they both lived happily ever after.

And tonight, we'll be visiting the Moscow Film Studios, where already this

they've shot four feature films, six documentaries, and eight directors.

And you'll be seeing their answer to Jaws.

It's called Wings, and it's about a giant moth that swallows people whole,

spits them out new.

After we've been looking at how it's at the painters.

Good evening. I'd like to start this evening with a song in the Gaelic, and

called Arusha.

This tells the story of a young girl who spends all her time in the bog.

And she loves Pete.

And she loves Pete because he talks wiggly and dresses Natalie.

She doesn't love Natalie.

And one night she's walking through the wood and she comes upon a big Irish

wolfhound. And she knows it's an Irish wolfhound because it's walking backwards

and wagging its head.

And the Irish wolfhound is eating a great big bone and chewing on it all the

time. And she says, would you come with me and help me find Pete?

And this wolfhound doesn't take any notice. It just goes on through on its

And then she says, if you come with me, maybe we'll find a lady dog for you.

And with that, this big wolfhound gets up and walks towards her. And its back

leg drops off.

This next

song

is in the English. And it's based on the very lovely spinning wheel.

Write that. Tag that. Here we go.

I sit here and I think all the days long gone by when we'd ask Ma to

bake us a nice rabbit pie.

She'd say go out then and catch a rabbit or steal one if you must but get one

with a humpback and it'll keep up the crust.

Into Flanagan's bar came Scott with a kilt. He bumped into O 'Reilly.

Shandy was built.

Scott lifted his kilt to mop up the shandy.

And Maggie, the barmaid, said, God, was that handy.

One day, young Paddy Blazer was accused of attacking his

wife with a razor.

The judge said... what you'd done was a terrible thing.

We've all to thank heaven that it wasn't plugged in.

Now 24 children has Mrs.

O 'Brien.

She's doing great, but the poor stork is dying.

She says her husband's a hero. He deserves a knighthood. I swear it. She

he's got one.

That soup bath that she's got She gives each child a bath Whether he needs one

or not She puts a brick under one end It says water, you know And the bigger the

baby The deeper he'll go But I sit here and I

smile And I'm quietly spinning Watching football

A lot of people ask me, why is it that as I sit here, I am frequently seen

brushing my trouser leg?

And the answer is because I drink my whiskey diluted with vodka.

I see the little fellas climbing up my trouser leg, and what I'm doing is

brushing them off.

And I went to a psychiatrist about it, and I said, I have to keep brushing the

little fellas off. And he said, well, there's three things I want you to do.

is to relax more.

The second thing is to cut down on your drinking. And the third thing is to stop

brushing the little perishes all over me.

I don't know if you know a little Jewish story about a couple of Jews who were

walking down the street.

There were two

Pakistanis walking down the street in gold as green.

And they went into their synagogue.

I've got more brains in my little finger than I have in the rest of my body.

See, my fuck is done and I'm gone.

I'll tell a story about my own race.

Two Irish fellas.

One of them bought a paper shop and it blew away.

The other Irishman went down the road to see the dentist to have a wisdom tooth

put in.

Steve Allen, what type of man has two Christian names and no surname?

A naked, that's why.

Are there any Chinese in?

Once upon a time, there were two Chinamen.

Now look how many there are.

Because Chinese people are not very bright, you know.

Right,

I'll tell you a mythical story about a race who don't even exist. I'll tell you

a fairy story.

Now, there were these four fairies. Oh, what if we are, you nasty... Why don't

you leave us alone?

We're leaving. My God!

You're suspected of the film of Hollywood director Arnold P.

Fudpucker. The long list of credits includes one of the very last Sherlock

Holmes films ever made, and it stars, of course, Nigel Bruce and Basil Rathbone.

I'm sorry, Basil Rathbone.

Bone got stuck in my throat.

Howdy, Sheriff. Deputy Dole here. I was interrogating that moonshiner, and he

just fell down.

And I think maybe he's dead.

Shall I bury him, sir?

Make sure he's dead first.

He's dead now.

Mr. Mayor!

Mr. Mayor!

God, please, Daniel.

It's my great toad man. The jumble sale. Call me for a line. The jumble sale.

Oh, I remember as a little whippersnapper in Kokomonga.

I acquired the art of transforming gin bottles into lampshades. I don't suppose

any of you ladies got any old gin bottles you don't want.

Do we look like we drink gin?

I got any old vinegar bottles you don't want.

Strong drink is the devil's brew.

You're not related to the devil, are you? Only by marriage, my dear.

I have never permitted strong liquor to pass my lips.

I dare me to choke myself trying to find another way to swallow that.

Mr. Mayor, do you mind if I put your dog down? I think I can feed a flea. Oh,

well, put her down, then. Yeah, I wouldn't like her to get a flea. We'll

good spaker.

Oh, surely we'll need... Sam, could you send over some sandwiches?

Yes. Oh, dear. Only got cheese.

Oh, well, could you cut it with a ham knife?

Give it a little bit of flavor, yeah.

Someone distinguished.

My eldest boy.

May escape you for the minute.

He founded the Comstock Farmers Bank.

He also went to jail for...

A case of mistaken identity, my dear. Out of a population in this town of 8

people, only 12 people thought he was guilty.

A transvestite of justice, if ever I heard one.

Why, that boy has a purple heart.

I didn't know that. He doesn't talk about it much.

Guy Holmes is still looking for him.

Well, I saw him last week, and he was drinking whiskey. He had a slight cold,

dear, yes.

The finest man...

brains tell us that whiskey cannot cure the common cold. Nor can the finest

medical brains, dear.

You cut your lip on a saucer drinking tea, did you?

My great -uncle Clarence never drank, never smoked, only chewed toothpicks all

his life.

Died at the age of 45.

How'd he die?

Dutch elm disease.

Well, I've never heard so much nonsense in all my life. Come, ladies, we're

leaving.

Was she weaned on a pickle?

Would she be so kind?

Anyone owe Napoleon Brandy?

1925. For one bottle?

This is what the Pope drinks.

No wonder they have to carry him everywhere.

So, brother, Marvin Lovesish celebrates his 30th year in show business.

Jillian Foote talked to him at his Malibu home.

Mr. Lovelace, do you remember the first person to take an interest in your

music? I was a little kid, my dear, but there was a man who lived in back of us

called Hermann de German.

He heard me playing and he started up a fund to send me to Vienna or Paris or

Rome or anywhere.

You know, he said every time he heard me play the piano, no matter what it was,

it always sounded to him like Ina Kleiner knocket music.

Which, of course, means a little... Night music. I didn't know that.

Gee, I thought it was picking on me because I was a little kid, you know,

small. Puny I was.

I was a baby and my mother used to count me around in her handbag.

For two years I thought my brother was a ballpoint pen.

I could never understand why I leaked and he didn't.

I was jealous.

His knob unscrewed and mine didn't.

It was called The Mountie with Nelson Eddy.

He was up at the bar and he gets a telegram from his wife. He opens up the

telegram and he reads it and he sings, I'm not getting any better. Come home.

I'm not getting any better. Come home.

And I wrote, I'm not getting any better. Come home.

about that time I remember I wrote, a right angle must be clever because it's

got 90 degrees.

Girls who trip the light fantastic shouldn't trust in cheap elastic.

Good luck, Titanic.

Well done, President Nixon.

If the people in Spain aren't all Jewish, why do they call their son Saul?

punk music about now with unintelligible words that people lose inspiration in

writing interesting lyrics?

My only answer to that, my dear, is walls.

I beg your pardon? Walls. Wherever there's a wall, the kids are there with

spray cans, right?

I mean, you see it up there and it says, bill stickers will be prosecuted. Let

bill stickers go free.

Twelve inches rules, okay?

The Japs make them smaller and cheaper.

And they guarantee delivery.

Oh, it's all up there, you know, but I think... Some of the nicest stuff I've

ever read is in Great Britain in some of your wash and brush -ups. Really? Why

that? Oh, I don't know. Maybe a matter of convenience, but... Who can say,

really? But I'll tell you, there's a gent in Portsmouth that you ought to

Oh, you can't, no.

But it's beautiful. The poetry there, it rhymes.

You know, the meters are beautiful. One or two spelling mistakes, but beautiful.

Illustrated, some of them are, too, you know. Very, very nice stuff, you know.

Very, very nice stuff. You know, Kilroy was here, but only for the beer.

Happy New Year to all our readers.

What are you looking up here for, ashamed?

And why do you think people find inspiration in a place like that?

I don't know. The solitude.

The magic of the moment.

The feeling of being cut off.

The strain.

after perfection.

How can you define the intangible?

To me, I would call it charisma.

Oh, graffiti.

Yeah, I was working on a little number called that the other day. Here it goes,

yeah.

Now back in the days of the caveman, history recalls, man had this burning

desire to snatch his messages on walls.

And even today, you'll find Joe loves Maeve, or Mavis loves Little Jim. Or

Little Jim loves Charlie.

We're gonna keep our eye on him.

This is known as graffiti.

Graffiti, they even do it on the tombstones in the cemetery.

Beneath here, I said, this graffiti, someone's written he is filling his last

cavity.

If you look a little closer, these words you may discover. Beneath this thought,

there lies another.

Not some... Sometimes there's advice and it's very, very nice. Sometimes it is

superfluous. Like, don't put your cat in a washing machine or you may get a

stuck in the foot.

Carrots will make you feel sexy.

You only got to look at a rabbit.

You kiss a lady show jumper once or twice, but don't get into the habit.

Oh, this is graffiti.

Graffiti, it leads to a sense of depravity.

Why, it can't be quite pretty because there is no law of graffiti.

There is no law of graffiti.

There is no law of graffiti.

Well, I'm sorry, that's

all we have time for this evening. Next week, we'll be looking back at the days

of the music hall when the noisy patrons used to go along and hiss in the pit.

And comparing it with the modern theatre, which doesn't even have a pit

to hit in.

And we've asked ourselves the question, should the manager give him one of the

orchestra's stalls?

And until then, I'll leave you with this thought.