Original subtitles

It's the Benny Hill Show.

And here he is. And that is the Benny Hill Show.

Once I was happy.

Once I was gay.

Then I went off to fight the war.

I've been fighting for peace.

Now I'm home, I want a piece of what I've been fighting for.

So, I'm coming in.

I'm coming in.

I'm coming in to your heart.

When I get there, you'd better beware.

Swear that I'll never be born.

When I hold the charge and take my own life, I swear by the stone of a bow.

Once you've been kissed, you will resist the thrill and the wonder of love.

That's easy for you to say, Captain. But can you tell me this?

What is...

different things today.

I'll try to tell you what love means to me.

Love is just like a sword.

The more you send in, the sweeter it grows.

And if you want to see your sweet part, that means you'll never part the

least time that you pick it.

I thought you were going to drink with us.

Beating with the boys Lovely dot eyes are

flashing And you don't know what to do

may bring when love makes your heart sing.

Tell me that you love me true.

Oh, I do.

Like that.

I'm sure you know now that I love only you.

cut off his ear and sent it to his young lady, you see.

Why did he do that?

Well, the other thing I know.

He wanted to hear from her.

There are a funny lot of these artists, I mean, for example, Rubens.

Johann Sebastian Rubens, sir.

I mean, you see, Rubens was born, and when he grew up, you see, he decided to

paint lovely, luscious, well -rounded ladies barefoot all over.

He put even a cigarette. He was a traditionalist. He was a dirty old man,

tell you the truth.

Whereas, of course, the Rembrandt, sir, Anthony Wedgwood Rembrandt, he could

have fainted on clad ladies, but he preferred painted old men with beards.

what would you call him? A fillock.

Good evening.

I am speaking to you from the new leisure complex at Dimpton -on -Thie.

two British seaside resorts to offer package holidays.

And I have with me the amenities officer, Mr. Fred Scuttle. Good evening,

Good evening, viewers.

Happy holidays.

Mr. Scuttle. Yes. Your brochure advertises holidays at popular prices.

Could you give us an example of one of these popular prices?

Certainly, sir. One whole week of Fonanson, 350 pounds.

Oh, I'd hardly call that a popular price. I like it, sir.

would your holiday maker get for his money? Sir, for a start, he would have a

room of his own choice at the Hotel Metropolis.

Any room he liked, sir. He could have the blue room, the green room, the pink

room, the magenta room, the yellow room, sir. They've got a lot of rooms.

They've got a lot of paint.

Would he get a private bathroom?

Well, either that or a balcony overlooking the sea.

We aim to please.

And we hope they reciprocate.

When would be the best time to go to the bar? Without a doubt, sir, during our

summer carnival week. When's that? Last week in November.

It's marked with this singing, this dancing, this cabaret, sir, this bingo.

goes on till half past eight some nights.

And afterwards, sir, you can retire to the horizontal bar where you get all the

latest modern drinks, sir. You can have a martini with a cherry in it, sir, a

martini with olive in it. If you like, you can have a pint with a pickled onion

in it, sir.

Could I get Cuba Libra in there?

As a newt.

And, of course, don't forget, we out our lovely waxworks museum, sir, with all

these historical characters, the Mary Queen of Scots, sir, we out, you see,

Gwen, dressed exactly as they was in the days gone by, you see.

Tell me, I've often wondered, do they wear anything under the dressing?

Well, I shouldn't really tell you that, sir.

As a matter of fact, they don't, sir, but there's only me and 500 American

sailors know about that.

And of course, sir, you've got, you know, Jack the Ripper. Jack the Ripper?

sir, Jack Tripper, sir.

That is in there, sir. He is our Andy man.

We call him Andy because he lives around the corner.

But you see, he's very helpful, sir. I mean, for a start, sir, he drives the

mystery coach to us, sir.

Before they go, they always have a bet as to where they're going to go, you

know. He hates it.

Why? He keeps losing, sir.

Oh, why is that? Well, we blindfold him, you see, sir. It's a real mystery tour.

He's not very keen, you know, sir.

He's half -hearted.

He

says

no, sir.

He's not.

Does he get the gratuities?

In the cold weather, yes.

In the... Hot weather, sir. He's down on our Tantropi beach looking after it.

Tantropi? Yes, yes.

Is there any nude bathing?

Oh, no, sir, no. We wouldn't have that, sir. You know, I mean, a lot of hundreds

of men running around stark as, sir, it's... Indecent.

Untidy, I would have said.

But I hear that this year, Brighton expects to get 500 topless sunbathers a

Well, if that ever happens, sir, it'll be a thousand pities.

that, quite honestly, we cater to the family more, sir, like we have our

circus, sir, with Elsie, our acrobat. She can jump five feet straight up in

air, she can, sir.

Sexy to catch her, right?

Then, sir, we have our elephant.

Is it a cow?

It is sometimes, sir, yes.

Especially if they give it the wrong medicine or anything. I mean, if that

in the other way, he didn't know what to give it. He gave it half a hundred

weight of phenopods.

Now, what did you give it? Plenty of room.

And of course, in the circus, we've got Fido, our performing doctor. He's

marvellous. He does the most spectacular summer thoughts you've ever seen in

your life. How many does he do?

Well, that depends, sir. On what? On how hard you kick him up the bum.

And also, sir, what we're having this year for the first time, our

television society do, sir.

International? International, with television shows from all over the world

coming. We've got some coming.

I don't know.

Yeah.

Hmm.

Hmm.

OBG News, Dudley Badley reporting.

From across the nation today, reports have been coming in of the strange

behavior of many people's electrical appliances.

It seems almost as though these machines are revolting against their masters.

These reports have been coming in from as far afield as New York, Los Angeles,

and Denver, Colorado.

if one of these days they came home and I found the stove as warm as the TV set,

wouldn't that be drinking?

Stoves don't work either.

How the hell would you know?

First time you seen it, you thought it was a new record player.

You're dumping it for the TV, you dump the stove, you dick.

just drop with Absinthe. Because Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.

Good

evening

and welcome to Women's Live Television.

And I see that at seven o 'clock we have the Kitty Everett Show.

that naughty group who upset Mr. Harry Whitehouse.

We booked ours six months ago.

What about, uh... Oh, unfortunately, my dearly beloved has been far gone.

Couldn't one of your relatives have used it?

No, they're all at the funeral.

Oh, it's for the way my sense is real.

It's for the ecstasy I feel.

It's for the way you turn me on.

Hello. For on and on and on and on and on and on and on. L is for your lips

against my skin.

I for the restless food I mend.

A is for your touch that I adore.

M is because I want you more and more and more and more and more. F is for the

way my spirits rise.

R is for an unobtained disguise.

D is the contentment that I feel.

And came for the knowledge that our love is real.

Put these letters together and they'll tell how I feel about you because they

fell.

Restoratively.

Restoratively.

Restoratively. Restoratively.

Restoratively.

Restoratively.

once again for our musical quiz named Vacuum.

Right away, we're going over to our first contestant. Now, you are Barney

Treader, and you were born just outside Wedlock.

No, outside Mucklock.

And I see that you still live there with your loved one?

No, the wife.

Now, I believe you have a rather special pet name for your wife, have you? Yeah.

I call her Bubbles.

Why do you call her Bubbles? Because she never has a handkerchief.

Right, well, we wish you well and, you know, enjoy yourself. Enjoy yourself.

Have a good time. That's right. And what do you call the other one?

Right, now, let's get this straight now. You are very friendly. Vera friendly,

right? And you live in St. Albans. That's very suave, isn't it? St. Albans,

suave.

That's where they carry their fish and chips home in a briefcase, isn't it?

I went there once. It was shut.

Well, you ought to enjoy yourself and have a good time. You know, wish you

and everything. Right. Now, you know the rules. What you've got to do is to take

away the words from the board at the back here and leave the title of the

that Alan's going to play. OK?

OK? Right.

Pardon. Je ne comprends pas.

Je ne suis pas d 'Anglais.

Pardon.

Oui, monsieur.

Well, take the bloody words off the board.

Take, oh, the words, oh, off the board, oh.

OK, oh.

Of the board.

Yeah, the board, yeah. But not that board, the other board.

Take it off the other board.

What's French for the other?

La moire.

I speak a little bit English.

Well, you just follow me, love. You'll be all right. Now, look. What I want you

to do... No, no, no. I don't mean follow me. When I say follow me, I don't mean

follow me. I mean stand there and follow me. Do you follow me?

Look, you're good.

Now, don't... In a minute, I'm going to say turn around. Now, when I say turn

around, what are you going to do? Walk up to what you're going to say? That's

not fair. She's turned around already.

And she's having a good look.

She's not the only one, I tell you.

She's cheating.

I can see right through her.

You're missing the best part, I tell you.

Now,

stand by. Stand by, Alan Wright.

Walk forward to your board, right.

And you won it.

You got it right. Well done, love. Well done.

I can't get these words off. They're stuck on.

What have you said to that?

Now, this is where we come to what we call melody roulette, you see.

And... Right. Now, I say, can Vera come out to play?

Right.

Now, when you recognise the tune, you must press the buzzer, right? Press on

buzzer, oh, the second that you recognise the tune. Right.

Someday I wonder where you are I saw you in a motor car But over there in

both... We haven't started yet.

is, Vera?

After the ball.

You're so near.

You're sort of upright, you know.

I've got a lovely bunch of polka nuts.

Are you boasting again, are you?

Right, no, that was of course Colonel Bogey. Now then, for...

And you're right. Well done. And now...

For another £100, name

that tune.

La Vie en Rose.

You're right again, Lo. Well done. Well done.

Right.

Where do you keep paying France tunes all the time?

How do I come back and understand?

You have won five pounds. Well done.

Oh, no, I haven't.

Very good, I've won.

And I want that one.

Now.

You want the one pound?

You can have it. That's what you've won.

I'll give it a good spin this time.

Now, if you think you know the tune, you say, I name that tune in one.

Or anything up to seven, you see. I name that tune in one. Not yet, love. Stand

by, love. Right, here we are then.

This 30s song illustrates the puzzle of love.

I name that tune in one. And here is your one note.

Well, if you don't know it, why do you keep on trying to say you can name it in

one? I don't know why, but I do.

Oh, well done. You've got that right. Now, we need this old song.

Why do you keep scratching yourself?

Because I'm the only one that knows where the edge is.

It was sung by Dean Martin and could have been called Soft in the Ed.

I named that tune in one.

Right. It was sung by Fred Martin.

No, no. You said Dean Martin.

Who was Dean of St. Paul's.

Soft in the head, here's your one note.

Gentle on my mind.

No, what kind of fool am I? Sorry.

Sang it at all the school concerts he did right now, Vera. Anne Murray made a

mint from this garden.

I knew that tune in one.

And here is your one note.

Scranoriva Scotty Octopulio.

I beg your pardon?

I beg your pardon. Never promised you a rose, darling. Well done. That really is

fine. Now, we need you so, son, really. Wish you well, wish you well. Everything

will be fine. Right, now then. This song reminds us of a monkey on a fast train.

I did not turn one.

Right, and here is your one note.

How about a honeymoon?

No, I'm... dreaming of a white Christmas.

Sorry.

Aye, that's got nothing to do with it. Where does the chain come in?

King's Cross.

And what about the monkey?

That's where you come in.

And sadly, where you go out. But you don't go empty -handed. I mean, you have

your two pounds and sevenpence, and you have this beautiful... Oh, look, hold it

the right way up.

You have this beautiful chromium -plated, guaranteed for three years.

unbreakable, indispensable, and it's battery -operated, and may you have

speeds on it and everything, and may you have many years of... Don't worry, yes,

you'll have... Right. Isn't he a lovely competitor? Wasn't he lovely? Great.

That's great. Right, you're right.

Now, look, perhaps we'll be with me, right?

Now, then, we come to what we call the golden medley time, and we wish you lots

of luck, love. I mean, you've got to name 40 tunes in three minutes, you see.

And if you get them all right, you're on your way to winning 1 ,000 pounds, eh?

Have you any idea of what you might do if you won the 1 ,000 pounds?

Holiday, Riviera.

I take nice Englishman, son of a beach.

For what?

Son of a beach.

Son over the beach. Son over the beach. Oh, yeah.

We would be naked.

I'm sure I would for the stuff.

Do we?

Yeah, two weeks to do anything. Anyway, love, we wish you well.

But as I said, you know, first of all, you have to guess three tunes in 40

minutes.

You don't forget to press your button. So here we go.

Tune number one, can you name that tune?

A tune!

Yes, tune.

Yes, tune is right. Well done.

Now then, we come to tune number two.

with me. I mean, down there.

Oh, great. Lovely, you know. And I must say, I do like that dress you're

wearing, particularly your Parisienne derriere.

That's great, that is. Right you are.

Here we are. Tune number three. Name that tune.

It looks a lot better than my... London derriere.

The London derriere.

Well done. Well done.

That's super, love. That's great there. And here you are. There's your check.

And tell me, have you decided to... Who the young man is going to be who's going

to accompany you down the almost south of France.

Someone who has helped me? Yeah.

You scratch my back, yeah? Yeah, not at all. Come along, Barney. Let's go and

get ourselves a stiff drink. That wasn't so bad after all.

New York, New York. So good they made it twice.

New York, New York.

I love it. New York, New York.

Now here's a little pity.

What's the show about New York?

I love it. New York, New York. New

York, New York.

Match of the day. Hello, love.

They gave out the results at six o 'clock.

Don't tell me, darling. Don't tell me. But I know the results.

Don't care, darling. I don't want to hear it. Don't tell me, love. But I know

the results.

Please, darling. Please don't tell me the result, darling.

All right. If you want to watch it, you sit and watch it.

But you won't see any goals.

I'll have some of this caviar.

Yeah, double helping.

And peasant.

and patted a false grass, and a spirit gas, and wild strawberries, and two

bottles of your best champagne.

Tell me, my dear, do you eat as well as this at home?

Oh, no, but no one there don't want to sleep with me, do they?

Suck up, cow.

You should have heard her.

My husband works for the Inland Revenue, she says.

My husband...

inspector, she says.

My husband earns 100 quid a week, she says.

But I soon told her, I said my husband earns more than that in his spare time.

Here's something to make you feel better.

What's that?

It's night nurse.

It's what?

Your night nurse will ease away that nasty pent -up feeling, help you get a

night's sleep.

I'm not interested, brother.

You'll wake refreshed.

represent the three musketeers.

I have a message for you. They have captured the king.

I dub thee nigh. Are you still there?

This week's happy thought.

a queen.

I don't know.

You did it.

You did it.

And all because the lady likes milk chocolate.

Thank you.