All language subtitles for Benny Hill - s04e02

It's the Benny Hill Show, with a host of
your favourite stars.

From England, Anthony Buley.

Poor old Brunella was built like a
fella, so she went round to see Dr Kerr.

said, now then, make haste, and when she
slipped to the waist, he could hardly

stop calling her sir.

Don't worry your head, I'm a surgeon, he
said. I'll graft you two on just like

that. And then he went and got
plastered, the silly old fool, and then

it along to her back.

Now poor old Prunella, she can't get a
fellow to walk or to talk or romance

with, because no one wants to chat when
a girl looks like that, for by golly,

she's great fun to dance with.

And from Africa is her famous song,
William McKeever.

I'm here again.

No, not himself.

Benny, too!

Oh, well, then.

Now Johnny was a country boy, his
mother's fine, his father's fine,

he did seemed right somehow.

Why, he would help old ladies across the
road, even when they didn't want to go,

and he'd always warm his hands before he
milked the cow.

On Monday, he'd go hunting there. On
Tuesday, he'd put on his underwear.

when he went on the river to try and get
trout to sell.

I've known that boy tickle a two -pound
trout, and then quick as a flash, just

whip it out. I've known him catch a girl
that way as well.

Now, at the Sunday school dinner, when
his fish was bad, he didn't get cross,

didn't get mad, until the waitress had
told the chef to chuck his hand in.

He just looked up, and he said, Miss, it
would seem to me that this is the piece

of cod. that passeth all understanding.

And the village girls all sighed when
everyone sighed. They said, Johnny, we

love you heaven knows.

I tell you that Johnny boy had it all. I
tell you, Johnny, he could fall into a

cesspit and come up smelling like a
rose.

You know, one day Johnny went to New
York town and there was temptation all

around. He saw a stall full of melons
and so he swiped one.

But he hadn't had it in his hand for
long when someone told him what he'd

was wrong.

So he put the melon back and took a ripe
one.

One night,

I couldn't take money from a lady.

When Rooted took down that Johnny Boy
real cute, he sure has got a fine brain

his head.

Why, he could sell a nudist clothes or
offspring to Eskimos.

I reckon he could even sell the phone
for double bed.

Johnny jacked up with Sadie Trent in an
apartment which overlooked the rent, and

he had to have his drink. He would not
be denied it. One day when he was high,

he saw a sign that said, Drink Canada
Dry.

The damn fool went up there and he tried
it.

He came back a little bit under the
weather, found Sadie and his best friend

together. took out his gun and swore at
her something horrid. She stood rooted

to the spot with fear as that bullet
missed her ear by three inches and went

straight through her forehead.

In the courthouse, Judge McGee said,
Johnny boy, how do you plead?

Johnny stood up and his eyes were filled
with tears.

He said, I did not kill Sadie Trent.

As God is my judge, I am innocent.

He said, well, he ain't, but I am. And
you are, and you did.

Thirty years.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I like it. Mmm, that's nice.

Mmm.

It shouldn't take long. Book a day for
Sandra, will you? All right. Send him

How are we, bloody?

Nice brawn, lady.

With a big blister.

That's nice.

That's nice.

Mr. Chow Min, have you attended an
industrial tribunal before?

Oh, no.

And you'll abide by the decision of this
call? Oh, yes.

You haven't brought a solicitor?

No, I have decided to tell the truth.

Now, you came to this country in 1961
looking for employment.

Knowledge.

You were looking for knowledge?

Oh, yes.

And did you find this knowledge?

Oh, yes.

Where? In Norfolk.

In Norfolk. Because of that, where it
is.

Oh, Norwich. Yay!

Stupid Rancashire trip.

And tell me, what were you doing there?

Flying.

Plane? Glider?

Kite?

No, ships.

You fly ships?

Oh, yes.

Surely you sail?

ships after you fly them.

You see, first of all, you fly the ships
with the fish.

And then you sell them to the customer.

You worked in a chip shop.

Holy mackerel!

Of course I did!

Also work in Bistro.

And in 1978, you opened your own
restaurant.

And when

did you implement your recruitment
program?

Pardon? Get started.

Watch it, Bucky. You're going to punch
out a mouth in a minute.

Oh, so sorry. Yeah, that was the last
year. That's what I mean. That stupid

area. Yeah.

Right, well, we'd better have him in.
Now, he was sent to you by the

exchange to be a waiter in your Chinese
restaurant.

Now, take a seat.

Now,

you are Mahmood Ram

Singh. Very frequently, madam.

You obviously don't come from London.

Oh, no.

I come from a place many, many miles
from London.

And where is that?

Bradford.

What were your actual duties?

Oh, well, Sergeant Major, they were many
and numerous.

Oh, oh, my God, he should have put more
men on the job.

I was laying the tables, I was cleaning
the cutlery, and I even had to clean the

outside walls.

The jubilant deliverance had risen upon
them with squirting -type spray paint

in... Aerosol. It's true, I tell you.

men on the job. He should have put more
men on the job. And I burnt my hand in

the kitchen.

Well, how did you come to burn your
hand? Oh, no, no. No, kind Admiral. No,

did not come to burn my hand. I came to
cook a meal. Only I burnt my hand.

Well, of course he did a stupid thing.
And then he's going to try to serve to

the people there.

Who's do -vers?

Who's do -vers? I don't know who's do
-vers they were.

They was like little rat prums.

They were olives.

I thought they was Eastman.

Did this establishment have the usual
amenities?

Amenities? Oh, I serve amenities. Very
amenities.

Amenities is the amenities.

Why, you know written.

Don't you know the Queen's English?

Oh, I'm sure he is.

You see, they make many chutneys and
covered ovens, you see.

I could tickle your palate, and this has
never been tickled before.

And I'm sure it's been tickled many,
many times.

He couldn't even fix the loo bulb.

The loo bulb?

Oh, the bulb in the loo. No, the loo
bulb. It's like bloodshot Cerely.

Like bloodshot Cerely.

Loo bulb.

Yeah. He made the loo bulb pie four feet
long and two inches wide.

I make a delicious repast.

It's but couscous.

Couscous? It's more like puss -puss.

We don't want to eat that fallen muck.

He cooked the inside of it. He actually
cooked the inside of the amalur. Try it.

It's true.

He cooked the gut and the intestine.
It's awful.

Bloody horrible.

But what about him? What about him? He
make egg for young.

Egg for young. It's not egg.

It's not young. It's just food.

He made a cully.

Correct. Yeah, Soviet cully.

Soviet cully? Yeah, everybody go rush
into the room.

So they got to drop these. That's why.

Was he an efficient waiter?

Efficient waiter. Two ladies come in one
day. One lady say, drop three twice. He

say, I heard you the first time.

Then a lady say she want a pair of
teeth.

take out his dentures and put them on a
plate.

Dentures that I pay for. I say, put them
back. And he put them back and then he

laughed at me. He laughed at me with my
own teeth.

And then, then I said to him, why you no
make fish cakes when you make fish

cakes? And he put a marzipan on top.

Here we go. Well, what about him? He
said I would have an eye -level grill.

Well, it is an eye -level grill if you
kneel down and eat it.

He's mean, you see. I tell you what.

He makes me turn the gas off when I turn
the bacon over.

And the oven is filthy.

Filthy. He doesn't mind when they cut
off the gas. Oh, no.

He sets fire to the grease.

He didn't even stop the talking. But it
wasn't empty.

Eat up two hours to crock a rabbit.

Oh, that's good, that rabbit pie. It's
rabbit pie. Oh, that's got hot flesh in

it. Well, a little bit, maybe.

Fifty -fifty.

Fifty -fifty. One horse, one rabbit.

What sort of tips did you get?

Tips? Well, didn't the customers leave a
tip? They didn't even leave the knife

and fork.

Because he wasn't satisfied with the
service, that's why. He didn't put no

on the job. Well, now, after due
deliberation, we have decided there is a

for unfair dismissal. And we are going
to award Mr.

Singh ten weeks' wages.

Ten weeks' wages?

Sixty -five quid.

An inconvenience fee of 25 pounds. So we
are going to award Mr. Singh 90 pounds.

Oh, that's okay, yeah. If I can afford
it, I'll give him a couple of quid as

well.

You have to give it to him.

He'll give me all that money? Well, what
for?

To help support his wife and children.

Oh, excuse me, dear madam.

Despite love and affection, and a great
deal of strenuous effort on my part, My

wife and I do not have any children.

Oh, there's only one thing you can do
then, isn't there?

What? Put more men on the job!

Well, hello, everybody.

We got some information that we're going
to lay on you. Going to show you the

latest and the greatest.

We'll be down in next year. Now, here's
a little outfit you don't wear when it's

cold. Then you really just look at sort
of lo and behold.

When you see them from the back, they're
like two pairs trying to get out of the

sack. When they go on holiday or when
they go into work, they're going out to

play.

Now let's see what the boys are sporting
this year.

You've got to fix it in, Maxine.

The palace is in the middle, cherie.

Champagne, caviar, I hope that you'll
expense it, Carl.

Sandor and Lulu, rich ladies with a few
bejewels.

or on the beach, our ladies have
impeccable taste.

Like the boys, they are always cool and
sophisticated.

Elegance personified as lay boys show us
their trendy street outfits.

Sam and Louise show us their newest
jigsaw suit.

They can be worn with the belt or
equally attractively without the belt.

And here's Claude in his leisure suit.

It's handy for the smoker, also for the
non -smoker.

If the evening gets warm, he slips it
off, revealing a rather daring backless

shirt.

His outfit, like the girl's, can be worn
with the belt or equally well without

the belt.

And now, for our pièce de résistance.

The bride and the groom, ready for the
happiest day and

night.

The young man came from Chester and he
longed to be a Chester. Given the chance

he used, he'd be good at it.

Have a jig around the old Maypole.

Or the Omen Colonial, if you'd rather.

I'm the jester, I'm... He chuckles for
me now. I'm doing all jokes, you know.

Like I say, who's 45 years old and
sleeps with cats?

And they say, I don't know. And I say,
Mrs. Cat.

Paddy, mate.

What's the good of you being stuck in
there? How can you start me applause if

you're stuck in there?

I've been in half an hour.

Would you scratch my nose for me?

Oh, love me.

Would you mind scratching me?

No, I won't.

Was it the squire's daughter again, was
it, eh?

Uh -huh. And where did they find the
peri at this time?

In the doorway.

Oh, Paddy, I keep telling you, never do
it in the doorway.

Use a bit of common.

I don't know, mate, you just don't
think, do you? I mean, look at you. Last

week, you went and broke into the
silversmith and stole all the lead off

roof.

Your uncle bought you a lovely parrot
for Christmas and I said, what's it

And you said, delicious.

You ate it, you cooked it, you put it in
the oven. That was a talking parrot.

That parrot could talk.

Well, why didn't it say something?

Sometimes I wish it's never been born.

Well, you didn't want to stay where you
were, did you?

Oh, there are two of them there. That
makes four.

Here.

Oh, you two.

Have you ever seen Morris dancing?

He's better than Morris.

Go on then. Who needs you? Who needs
you?

We need you. We need you.

I'm praying for a crop failure in the
morning.

I don't know, Paddy. Sometimes I don't
know.

Oh, he's got a flucky.

He's got a what?

He's got a flucky.

He's got a flucky.

He's only got to do half hour more.

I say, is this Platt's bottom?

No, it's not. It's mine.

Well, where would I find Platt's bottom?

Well, you don't start from there.

Well, which direction is it?

I don't know.

Me neither.

You're not very bright, are you? No, but
we ain't lost.

want salt?

Oh, please.

Pepper?

Please.

Vinegar?

but thank you for the tip.

Here.

You're not allowed to eat your own food
here.

Oh, sorry, I didn't know that.

Pack it in.

Do you want to get me into trouble?

Yeah, what time do you knock off?

I'll be going off soon.

You've been going off for years, you
have.

Oh, don't talk to her like that. She's a
real treasure.

Well, what do you want to dig her up
for?

Indeed. Well, you was born inside out
then, weren't you?

Well, all sisters under the skin.

Well, get back under your skin and send
your sister out.

I've never been so insulted in all my
life.

You must have been.

I say, you're a chirpy chuckle,
Sergeant.

Who wants to know?

Do you know who I am?

Have you forgotten?

I am Lord Belfort, scouring the
countryside to find a new jester for the

A royal jester? I'm on in a minute. I'm
doing a turn in a minute.

I'll go and get ready. Don't go away.
Don't go away.

Here.

What happened to the old jester?

He's gone.

Where has he gone?

Well, that depends on what kind of life
he led.

You didn't do so well, did you?

Well, it wasn't my fault. It was that
rotten act I had to follow, wasn't it? I

mean, they were so lousy that halfway
through my act, everybody remembered how

rotten they were and started booing them
again, didn't they?

They were booing you.

They wasn't all booing. Some of them was
cheering.

They were cheering the booing.

The booing experience.

She stood on the bridge at midnight. Her
face was all a quiver. She gave a

cough. Her legs fell off and floated
down the river.

Here. I bought my girls some gardeners.
They cost me one and ten.

She gave them to her mother. I shan't
see them again.

And this is the Duchess of Whitbread.

Hello, darling.

Your Grace. Your Grace.

Say, Your Grace.

For what I'm about to receive, may the
Lord let go.

No, my good.

You'll just have to do.

or your very eyes, I will improvise a
song about those who are assembled here.

Now, some may smile and some defy me,
and as for you, old blimey, I've seen

better heads than half a pint of beer.

I've heard of none.

Now, over by the door is the mother
superior. They don't mean to say that

a superior mother.

She's a nun, which means you'll get none
of this and none of that. And you

certainly won't get none of the other.

Please!

A little farther down. I see little
farther down. As religious a man as

found. He keeps himself to himself. He
keeps the peace. He keeps the Sabbath.

And he keeps everything else that he
sees lying around.

Oh, when he was born, the prince had a
face that made you wimp. He was so ugly

that when his mummy took him upstairs to
bed, she put the nappy on his head. And

I don't have to tell you where she stuck
the dummy.

Now, the king.

Now... How do you suppose the king got
that long red nose? Well, long red nose

is running his family.

He can stir his tea with that, he's not
to be sipped at, and he can open the

door with it when he's lost the key.

So, we...

I'll

give five shillings if you let me go.

And me good luck charm.

I should be out at the window and on
that cart in the wake, couldn't I?

no way you'll be leaving here tonight.

American Express?

Alas, things turned out not too well for
our comic friend.

But Chubby, by name and nature, keeps
joking to the end.

A message has come, sorry, free from the
king, Chubby says.

What a kiper.

Just chuck it in the basket, mate, and
I'll read it later.

From Hollywood comes The Fudfucker,
starring Helen Hornet as Elsie

I distinctly ordered flesh -colored
tights.

Well, that's what you got, honey.

Co -starring Orson Buggy as Joe.

What the hell's that for? That's for
being a lousy lover.

Special guest star, Mary Tyler Bathroom
as Jody. Oh, 1965, yeah,

that was a pretty good year.

It was for me.

It was the year I was born.

Special guest star's co -star, Olivia
Newton Thud as Kit.

You mean that your husband knows I'm
here with you?

Sure he does.

And he doesn't mind?

No, not at all.

I mean, where is your husband now?

Rubbing your bank.

I know you're down there

making that damn boat, but you'll never
finish it, will you, butterfly brain?

Yesterday, you saw her digging the
garden.

Little the Wonder Cat as Old One -Eye.

This week's episode, God Bless My
Father.

When I was in hospital, he fitted the
guy in the bed next to me with a hot

pacemaker. Every time the guy sneezes,
the garage doors fly open.

When you were in the hospital, you made
me ashamed asking for the you -know

-what in that vulgar way.

How else can you call a mason? What kind
of a pot is it?

It's not a flower pot, is it?

It's not a cooking pot. No, it's a...
You should say, please,

may I have a vase?

I did. I said to the mason, please, may
I have a vase? You know what she said?

How big's your bouquet?

I'll tell you something. Her brother
tells me that I got hay fever. Says I'm

allergic to pollen.

Tell you something, I've never been to
Poland in my whole life.

Forgive her, she's a little upset.

She can't figure out why our brother's
got two sisters and she's only got the

one.

Tell me, where is he now?

He's up in Maine, slaying.

Still working, huh?

Your brother's a saint, of course.

Sixty years old and chasing halfway
across the world with two 18 -year -old

chorus girls. I ask you, what kind of
life is that?

for a man.

And you can go with him for all I care.
I'll be okay. There's plenty more fish

in the sea.

Only your bait ain't what it was, is it?

And your peers collapsed.

I've given you the best years of my
life. What do you want, a receipt?

Look at this old coat.

What's wrong with it? It's too...

It'll be long enough before you get
another one.

How do you want again, Harry?

Oh, you know what they say, lucky at
cards, unlucky in love.

No cheating, there's nothing up my
sleeve. And very little down your

Can I drop you off somewhere, Mrs.
Dobbs? Yeah, over the side of the

Bridge.

There.

Mrs. Dobbs made it specially for you.
It's a sponge cake.

That is a sponge cake?

I can only assume she calls that a
sponge cake because she borrowed all the

ingredients. Well, she didn't have any
of it, did she?

Oh, no, she's on a diet. She reckons
she's going to lose five pounds a week.

Oh, good. By next July, she'll be gone
altogether.

Gee, you're so cute.

Oh, come on, Cindy, watch it. You know,
I'm old enough to be your big brother.

Oh!

I quite like older men. My boyfriend's
nearly 26.

Gee, I wish you were 20 years younger.

Why? Then you could take my mother out.

What about your father?

Oh, he's never home.

He's a naval man.

I'm a leg man myself.

Mind, I'm not a fanatic about it.

Would you mind if I popped out later?

Cindy, you can pop out any time you
like.

I'd like to see you do it.

God, I'd like to see you do it.

George, it's beautiful.

Oh, George, it must have cost a fortune.

But what's Harry going to say?

Here's what you do. You take it to Grand
Central Station. Put it in the left

luggage. You give the ticket to Harry.

Tell him you found it.

Hey, it's a left luggage ticket, says
Harry.

I wonder what it can be, says you.

I'll pop a log and find out, says Harry.

You get the fur coat and he don't
suspect nothing.

You're fabulous.

Ain't I, though?

Drink and think.

That's what killed your uncle.

Drink and think.

Yeah, he couldn't get either, so he shot
himself.

I'm on his side.

Only woman I ever knew could ride a
bicycle with her legs crossed.

I didn't sleep with my wife before I got
married. Did you?

I can't remember. What was her maiden
name?

I'm asleep.

Wife not sleeping well, Mr.

Arbuthnot? No, it's the cats.

They keep her awake at night.

We never eat cats.

As far as I know.

What the hell is this?

I got it out of the cookbook. Good, and
no right to be there in the first place.

May I pass you the dobs, Mrs. Sugar?

Oh, pass you the sugar, Mrs.

Dobs. Sweet, totally sweet.

Would you care for some nuts?

Oh, um, oh, that reminds me, um, Harry.

station and find out what that ticket
was for.

I got it for you, honey. I did it this
morning. I picked it up only this

morning, yeah.

Oh.

And what was it for?

It was an old broken umbrella. It was no
good. I threw it away.

Well.

I'm Mr. Monster, I love it.

Those raindrops keep falling on my head.

And just like the guy who feed a too big
for his bed, nothing seems to fit.

Those raindrops are falling on my head.
They keep falling.

So I just did me some talking to the
sun.

And I'm done sleeping on the job.

Those raindrops are falling on my head.

They keep falling, but there's one thing
I know.

The blues they send to meet me won't
dissipate me.

It won't be long till happiness steps
down to greet me.

The raindrops keep falling on my head.

Thank you.