Original subtitles

It's the Benny Hill Show, with a host of your favourite stars.

From England, Anthony Buley.

Poor old Brunella was built like a fella, so she went round to see Dr Kerr.

said, now then, make haste, and when she slipped to the waist, he could hardly

stop calling her sir.

Don't worry your head, I'm a surgeon, he said. I'll graft you two on just like

that. And then he went and got plastered, the silly old fool, and then

it along to her back.

Now poor old Prunella, she can't get a fellow to walk or to talk or romance

with, because no one wants to chat when a girl looks like that, for by golly,

she's great fun to dance with.

And from Africa is her famous song, William McKeever.

I'm here again.

No, not himself.

Benny, too!

Oh, well, then.

Now Johnny was a country boy, his mother's fine, his father's fine,

he did seemed right somehow.

Why, he would help old ladies across the road, even when they didn't want to go,

and he'd always warm his hands before he milked the cow.

On Monday, he'd go hunting there. On Tuesday, he'd put on his underwear.

when he went on the river to try and get trout to sell.

I've known that boy tickle a two -pound trout, and then quick as a flash, just

whip it out. I've known him catch a girl that way as well.

Now, at the Sunday school dinner, when his fish was bad, he didn't get cross,

didn't get mad, until the waitress had told the chef to chuck his hand in.

He just looked up, and he said, Miss, it would seem to me that this is the piece

of cod. that passeth all understanding.

And the village girls all sighed when everyone sighed. They said, Johnny, we

love you heaven knows.

I tell you that Johnny boy had it all. I tell you, Johnny, he could fall into a

cesspit and come up smelling like a rose.

You know, one day Johnny went to New York town and there was temptation all

around. He saw a stall full of melons and so he swiped one.

But he hadn't had it in his hand for long when someone told him what he'd

was wrong.

So he put the melon back and took a ripe one.

One night,

I couldn't take money from a lady.

When Rooted took down that Johnny Boy real cute, he sure has got a fine brain

his head.

Why, he could sell a nudist clothes or offspring to Eskimos.

I reckon he could even sell the phone for double bed.

Johnny jacked up with Sadie Trent in an apartment which overlooked the rent, and

he had to have his drink. He would not be denied it. One day when he was high,

he saw a sign that said, Drink Canada Dry.

The damn fool went up there and he tried it.

He came back a little bit under the weather, found Sadie and his best friend

together. took out his gun and swore at her something horrid. She stood rooted

to the spot with fear as that bullet missed her ear by three inches and went

straight through her forehead.

In the courthouse, Judge McGee said, Johnny boy, how do you plead?

Johnny stood up and his eyes were filled with tears.

He said, I did not kill Sadie Trent.

As God is my judge, I am innocent.

He said, well, he ain't, but I am. And you are, and you did.

Thirty years.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I like it. Mmm, that's nice.

Mmm.

It shouldn't take long. Book a day for Sandra, will you? All right. Send him

How are we, bloody?

Nice brawn, lady.

With a big blister.

That's nice.

That's nice.

Mr. Chow Min, have you attended an industrial tribunal before?

Oh, no.

And you'll abide by the decision of this call? Oh, yes.

You haven't brought a solicitor?

No, I have decided to tell the truth.

Now, you came to this country in 1961 looking for employment.

Knowledge.

You were looking for knowledge?

Oh, yes.

And did you find this knowledge?

Oh, yes.

Where? In Norfolk.

In Norfolk. Because of that, where it is.

Oh, Norwich. Yay!

Stupid Rancashire trip.

And tell me, what were you doing there?

Flying.

Plane? Glider?

Kite?

No, ships.

You fly ships?

Oh, yes.

Surely you sail?

ships after you fly them.

You see, first of all, you fly the ships with the fish.

And then you sell them to the customer.

You worked in a chip shop.

Holy mackerel!

Of course I did!

Also work in Bistro.

And in 1978, you opened your own restaurant.

And when

did you implement your recruitment program?

Pardon? Get started.

Watch it, Bucky. You're going to punch out a mouth in a minute.

Oh, so sorry. Yeah, that was the last year. That's what I mean. That stupid

area. Yeah.

Right, well, we'd better have him in. Now, he was sent to you by the

exchange to be a waiter in your Chinese restaurant.

Now, take a seat.

Now,

you are Mahmood Ram

Singh. Very frequently, madam.

You obviously don't come from London.

Oh, no.

I come from a place many, many miles from London.

And where is that?

Bradford.

What were your actual duties?

Oh, well, Sergeant Major, they were many and numerous.

Oh, oh, my God, he should have put more men on the job.

I was laying the tables, I was cleaning the cutlery, and I even had to clean the

outside walls.

The jubilant deliverance had risen upon them with squirting -type spray paint

in... Aerosol. It's true, I tell you.

men on the job. He should have put more men on the job. And I burnt my hand in

the kitchen.

Well, how did you come to burn your hand? Oh, no, no. No, kind Admiral. No,

did not come to burn my hand. I came to cook a meal. Only I burnt my hand.

Well, of course he did a stupid thing. And then he's going to try to serve to

the people there.

Who's do -vers?

Who's do -vers? I don't know who's do -vers they were.

They was like little rat prums.

They were olives.

I thought they was Eastman.

Did this establishment have the usual amenities?

Amenities? Oh, I serve amenities. Very amenities.

Amenities is the amenities.

Why, you know written.

Don't you know the Queen's English?

Oh, I'm sure he is.

You see, they make many chutneys and covered ovens, you see.

I could tickle your palate, and this has never been tickled before.

And I'm sure it's been tickled many, many times.

He couldn't even fix the loo bulb.

The loo bulb?

Oh, the bulb in the loo. No, the loo bulb. It's like bloodshot Cerely.

Like bloodshot Cerely.

Loo bulb.

Yeah. He made the loo bulb pie four feet long and two inches wide.

I make a delicious repast.

It's but couscous.

Couscous? It's more like puss -puss.

We don't want to eat that fallen muck.

He cooked the inside of it. He actually cooked the inside of the amalur. Try it.

It's true.

He cooked the gut and the intestine. It's awful.

Bloody horrible.

But what about him? What about him? He make egg for young.

Egg for young. It's not egg.

It's not young. It's just food.

He made a cully.

Correct. Yeah, Soviet cully.

Soviet cully? Yeah, everybody go rush into the room.

So they got to drop these. That's why.

Was he an efficient waiter?

Efficient waiter. Two ladies come in one day. One lady say, drop three twice. He

say, I heard you the first time.

Then a lady say she want a pair of teeth.

take out his dentures and put them on a plate.

Dentures that I pay for. I say, put them back. And he put them back and then he

laughed at me. He laughed at me with my own teeth.

And then, then I said to him, why you no make fish cakes when you make fish

cakes? And he put a marzipan on top.

Here we go. Well, what about him? He said I would have an eye -level grill.

Well, it is an eye -level grill if you kneel down and eat it.

He's mean, you see. I tell you what.

He makes me turn the gas off when I turn the bacon over.

And the oven is filthy.

Filthy. He doesn't mind when they cut off the gas. Oh, no.

He sets fire to the grease.

He didn't even stop the talking. But it wasn't empty.

Eat up two hours to crock a rabbit.

Oh, that's good, that rabbit pie. It's rabbit pie. Oh, that's got hot flesh in

it. Well, a little bit, maybe.

Fifty -fifty.

Fifty -fifty. One horse, one rabbit.

What sort of tips did you get?

Tips? Well, didn't the customers leave a tip? They didn't even leave the knife

and fork.

Because he wasn't satisfied with the service, that's why. He didn't put no

on the job. Well, now, after due deliberation, we have decided there is a

for unfair dismissal. And we are going to award Mr.

Singh ten weeks' wages.

Ten weeks' wages?

Sixty -five quid.

An inconvenience fee of 25 pounds. So we are going to award Mr. Singh 90 pounds.

Oh, that's okay, yeah. If I can afford it, I'll give him a couple of quid as

well.

You have to give it to him.

He'll give me all that money? Well, what for?

To help support his wife and children.

Oh, excuse me, dear madam.

Despite love and affection, and a great deal of strenuous effort on my part, My

wife and I do not have any children.

Oh, there's only one thing you can do then, isn't there?

What? Put more men on the job!

Well, hello, everybody.

We got some information that we're going to lay on you. Going to show you the

latest and the greatest.

We'll be down in next year. Now, here's a little outfit you don't wear when it's

cold. Then you really just look at sort of lo and behold.

When you see them from the back, they're like two pairs trying to get out of the

sack. When they go on holiday or when they go into work, they're going out to

play.

Now let's see what the boys are sporting this year.

You've got to fix it in, Maxine.

The palace is in the middle, cherie.

Champagne, caviar, I hope that you'll expense it, Carl.

Sandor and Lulu, rich ladies with a few bejewels.

or on the beach, our ladies have impeccable taste.

Like the boys, they are always cool and sophisticated.

Elegance personified as lay boys show us their trendy street outfits.

Sam and Louise show us their newest jigsaw suit.

They can be worn with the belt or equally attractively without the belt.

And here's Claude in his leisure suit.

It's handy for the smoker, also for the non -smoker.

If the evening gets warm, he slips it off, revealing a rather daring backless

shirt.

His outfit, like the girl's, can be worn with the belt or equally well without

the belt.

And now, for our pièce de résistance.

The bride and the groom, ready for the happiest day and

night.

The young man came from Chester and he longed to be a Chester. Given the chance

he used, he'd be good at it.

Have a jig around the old Maypole.

Or the Omen Colonial, if you'd rather.

I'm the jester, I'm... He chuckles for me now. I'm doing all jokes, you know.

Like I say, who's 45 years old and sleeps with cats?

And they say, I don't know. And I say, Mrs. Cat.

Paddy, mate.

What's the good of you being stuck in there? How can you start me applause if

you're stuck in there?

I've been in half an hour.

Would you scratch my nose for me?

Oh, love me.

Would you mind scratching me?

No, I won't.

Was it the squire's daughter again, was it, eh?

Uh -huh. And where did they find the peri at this time?

In the doorway.

Oh, Paddy, I keep telling you, never do it in the doorway.

Use a bit of common.

I don't know, mate, you just don't think, do you? I mean, look at you. Last

week, you went and broke into the silversmith and stole all the lead off

roof.

Your uncle bought you a lovely parrot for Christmas and I said, what's it

And you said, delicious.

You ate it, you cooked it, you put it in the oven. That was a talking parrot.

That parrot could talk.

Well, why didn't it say something?

Sometimes I wish it's never been born.

Well, you didn't want to stay where you were, did you?

Oh, there are two of them there. That makes four.

Here.

Oh, you two.

Have you ever seen Morris dancing?

He's better than Morris.

Go on then. Who needs you? Who needs you?

We need you. We need you.

I'm praying for a crop failure in the morning.

I don't know, Paddy. Sometimes I don't know.

Oh, he's got a flucky.

He's got a what?

He's got a flucky.

He's got a flucky.

He's only got to do half hour more.

I say, is this Platt's bottom?

No, it's not. It's mine.

Well, where would I find Platt's bottom?

Well, you don't start from there.

Well, which direction is it?

I don't know.

Me neither.

You're not very bright, are you? No, but we ain't lost.

want salt?

Oh, please.

Pepper?

Please.

Vinegar?

but thank you for the tip.

Here.

You're not allowed to eat your own food here.

Oh, sorry, I didn't know that.

Pack it in.

Do you want to get me into trouble?

Yeah, what time do you knock off?

I'll be going off soon.

You've been going off for years, you have.

Oh, don't talk to her like that. She's a real treasure.

Well, what do you want to dig her up for?

Indeed. Well, you was born inside out then, weren't you?

Well, all sisters under the skin.

Well, get back under your skin and send your sister out.

I've never been so insulted in all my life.

You must have been.

I say, you're a chirpy chuckle, Sergeant.

Who wants to know?

Do you know who I am?

Have you forgotten?

I am Lord Belfort, scouring the countryside to find a new jester for the

A royal jester? I'm on in a minute. I'm doing a turn in a minute.

I'll go and get ready. Don't go away. Don't go away.

Here.

What happened to the old jester?

He's gone.

Where has he gone?

Well, that depends on what kind of life he led.

You didn't do so well, did you?

Well, it wasn't my fault. It was that rotten act I had to follow, wasn't it? I

mean, they were so lousy that halfway through my act, everybody remembered how

rotten they were and started booing them again, didn't they?

They were booing you.

They wasn't all booing. Some of them was cheering.

They were cheering the booing.

The booing experience.

She stood on the bridge at midnight. Her face was all a quiver. She gave a

cough. Her legs fell off and floated down the river.

Here. I bought my girls some gardeners. They cost me one and ten.

She gave them to her mother. I shan't see them again.

And this is the Duchess of Whitbread.

Hello, darling.

Your Grace. Your Grace.

Say, Your Grace.

For what I'm about to receive, may the Lord let go.

No, my good.

You'll just have to do.

or your very eyes, I will improvise a song about those who are assembled here.

Now, some may smile and some defy me, and as for you, old blimey, I've seen

better heads than half a pint of beer.

I've heard of none.

Now, over by the door is the mother superior. They don't mean to say that

a superior mother.

She's a nun, which means you'll get none of this and none of that. And you

certainly won't get none of the other.

Please!

A little farther down. I see little farther down. As religious a man as

found. He keeps himself to himself. He keeps the peace. He keeps the Sabbath.

And he keeps everything else that he sees lying around.

Oh, when he was born, the prince had a face that made you wimp. He was so ugly

that when his mummy took him upstairs to bed, she put the nappy on his head. And

I don't have to tell you where she stuck the dummy.

Now, the king.

Now... How do you suppose the king got that long red nose? Well, long red nose

is running his family.

He can stir his tea with that, he's not to be sipped at, and he can open the

door with it when he's lost the key.

So, we...

I'll

give five shillings if you let me go.

And me good luck charm.

I should be out at the window and on that cart in the wake, couldn't I?

no way you'll be leaving here tonight.

American Express?

Alas, things turned out not too well for our comic friend.

But Chubby, by name and nature, keeps joking to the end.

A message has come, sorry, free from the king, Chubby says.

What a kiper.

Just chuck it in the basket, mate, and I'll read it later.

From Hollywood comes The Fudfucker, starring Helen Hornet as Elsie

I distinctly ordered flesh -colored tights.

Well, that's what you got, honey.

Co -starring Orson Buggy as Joe.

What the hell's that for? That's for being a lousy lover.

Special guest star, Mary Tyler Bathroom as Jody. Oh, 1965, yeah,

that was a pretty good year.

It was for me.

It was the year I was born.

Special guest star's co -star, Olivia Newton Thud as Kit.

You mean that your husband knows I'm here with you?

Sure he does.

And he doesn't mind?

No, not at all.

I mean, where is your husband now?

Rubbing your bank.

I know you're down there

making that damn boat, but you'll never finish it, will you, butterfly brain?

Yesterday, you saw her digging the garden.

Little the Wonder Cat as Old One -Eye.

This week's episode, God Bless My Father.

When I was in hospital, he fitted the guy in the bed next to me with a hot

pacemaker. Every time the guy sneezes, the garage doors fly open.

When you were in the hospital, you made me ashamed asking for the you -know

-what in that vulgar way.

How else can you call a mason? What kind of a pot is it?

It's not a flower pot, is it?

It's not a cooking pot. No, it's a... You should say, please,

may I have a vase?

I did. I said to the mason, please, may I have a vase? You know what she said?

How big's your bouquet?

I'll tell you something. Her brother tells me that I got hay fever. Says I'm

allergic to pollen.

Tell you something, I've never been to Poland in my whole life.

Forgive her, she's a little upset.

She can't figure out why our brother's got two sisters and she's only got the

one.

Tell me, where is he now?

He's up in Maine, slaying.

Still working, huh?

Your brother's a saint, of course.

Sixty years old and chasing halfway across the world with two 18 -year -old

chorus girls. I ask you, what kind of life is that?

for a man.

And you can go with him for all I care. I'll be okay. There's plenty more fish

in the sea.

Only your bait ain't what it was, is it?

And your peers collapsed.

I've given you the best years of my life. What do you want, a receipt?

Look at this old coat.

What's wrong with it? It's too...

It'll be long enough before you get another one.

How do you want again, Harry?

Oh, you know what they say, lucky at cards, unlucky in love.

No cheating, there's nothing up my sleeve. And very little down your

Can I drop you off somewhere, Mrs. Dobbs? Yeah, over the side of the

Bridge.

There.

Mrs. Dobbs made it specially for you. It's a sponge cake.

That is a sponge cake?

I can only assume she calls that a sponge cake because she borrowed all the

ingredients. Well, she didn't have any of it, did she?

Oh, no, she's on a diet. She reckons she's going to lose five pounds a week.

Oh, good. By next July, she'll be gone altogether.

Gee, you're so cute.

Oh, come on, Cindy, watch it. You know, I'm old enough to be your big brother.

Oh!

I quite like older men. My boyfriend's nearly 26.

Gee, I wish you were 20 years younger.

Why? Then you could take my mother out.

What about your father?

Oh, he's never home.

He's a naval man.

I'm a leg man myself.

Mind, I'm not a fanatic about it.

Would you mind if I popped out later?

Cindy, you can pop out any time you like.

I'd like to see you do it.

God, I'd like to see you do it.

George, it's beautiful.

Oh, George, it must have cost a fortune.

But what's Harry going to say?

Here's what you do. You take it to Grand Central Station. Put it in the left

luggage. You give the ticket to Harry.

Tell him you found it.

Hey, it's a left luggage ticket, says Harry.

I wonder what it can be, says you.

I'll pop a log and find out, says Harry.

You get the fur coat and he don't suspect nothing.

You're fabulous.

Ain't I, though?

Drink and think.

That's what killed your uncle.

Drink and think.

Yeah, he couldn't get either, so he shot himself.

I'm on his side.

Only woman I ever knew could ride a bicycle with her legs crossed.

I didn't sleep with my wife before I got married. Did you?

I can't remember. What was her maiden name?

I'm asleep.

Wife not sleeping well, Mr.

Arbuthnot? No, it's the cats.

They keep her awake at night.

We never eat cats.

As far as I know.

What the hell is this?

I got it out of the cookbook. Good, and no right to be there in the first place.

May I pass you the dobs, Mrs. Sugar?

Oh, pass you the sugar, Mrs.

Dobs. Sweet, totally sweet.

Would you care for some nuts?

Oh, um, oh, that reminds me, um, Harry.

station and find out what that ticket was for.

I got it for you, honey. I did it this morning. I picked it up only this

morning, yeah.

Oh.

And what was it for?

It was an old broken umbrella. It was no good. I threw it away.

Well.

I'm Mr. Monster, I love it.

Those raindrops keep falling on my head.

And just like the guy who feed a too big for his bed, nothing seems to fit.

Those raindrops are falling on my head. They keep falling.

So I just did me some talking to the sun.

And I'm done sleeping on the job.

Those raindrops are falling on my head.

They keep falling, but there's one thing I know.

The blues they send to meet me won't dissipate me.

It won't be long till happiness steps down to greet me.

The raindrops keep falling on my head.

Thank you.