All language subtitles for Benny Hill - s04e01

Have there been any other men in your
life?

Yeah.

There was Harry, and Joe, and Bill,

and then Frank, and then Charlie, and
then Jack,

and then there was you, and then there
was nine.

LAUGHTER

Meet the gentleman in the very hotel.

They seek him here.

They seek him there.

There were trenches that hit him
everywhere.

Had he gone underground?

Or under the import?

That damned and loathed Scarlet Pimple.

chubby daughters.

At the time, my late husband was the
head of the studios, and he had a

problem. He couldn't get enough of it.

His idea of outer space was anywhere
more than 30 yards from a bar.

He used to frequent this bar where the
barmaid was an old dragon, and he used

say, when she starts looking like Greta
Garbo, it's time to go.

and Chubby Dots took over, and when he
started looking like Clark Gable, my

husband signed him up for 25 years.

I remember the first picture he did was
the Western. God, the scenery was

beautiful, but Chubby Dots kept standing
in front of us.

I'll show you my 38th if you show me
yours.

is the champion dog catcher of Hazard
County?

Your brother's got a wooden leg. I know
that.

Well, how does he run after dogs with a
wooden leg?

He don't have to. He just stands on the
street corner and they come to him.

He lost all his money under that
gambling with a chimpanzee.

Knowing that Toby's drawing

power as a star was negligible, the
studios, in their infinite wisdom,

to team him opposite Curly Dimple.

10 -year -old Muppet, who many people
said, quite unfairly, was a 40 -year

midget. But here in Hollywood, they say
the tits.

They say the tits.

Unwise to act with children and animals,
but acting with children held no fears

for chubby gods.

Uncle Jed, Uncle Jed, I'm so unhappy.

My mommy's dying. My daddy's face has
been taken by the illness. It's all

baby.

Here in Hollywood, where it is often
said that they separate the men from the

boys with a crowbar, the studio is
careful to project a masculine image.

Oh, I like Chubby Dodge, you know. He
was a man's man, like I am, huh?

I don't normally share billing because
I'm a star, but I didn't mind in his

because we both like the ladies, you
know what I mean?

He used to tell them he'd run out of
petrol.

Not overly original.

On the dodging?

I used to have meals with man appealing
on platefuls of spaghetti.

I remember one night in Sardis, he said,
if I have any more spaghetti and I

burp, I'm going to lasso a waiter.

And drink, God, he would drink 15 beers
a night.

He lived life with a big L. And
sometimes he suffered pain with a big P.

rumors were rife about a romance between
Chubby and one of the studio's contract

players.

Oh, yes. Of course, her name was... Her
name was Victoria.

She was named after your Queen Victoria.

And not so damn long after either.

I remember the first film they did
together was the Western.

You know, she had to say, you're not in
love with me. You're in love with your

six -shooter.

Can you imagine that? Joby danced in
love with his six -shooter.

Fond of it.

Well,

maybe it's a little, you know. But, of
course, her uncle owned the studios.

She got her job through relatives.

So did your queen.

I mean, me.

I tell you, Detroit. The trouble with
Chubby Dolls is he got too rich too

quickly. Couldn't pick up a golf club
without spitting on his hands first.

Used to invite the neighbors aboard his
yacht.

A lot of stars have a yacht. In the
swimming pool.

Who but Chubby Dolls would feed his
goldfish ant eggs?

Fried in butter.

Then he met Victoria V. Oh, is that a
woman? Is that a woman?

That's what people kept asking. Is that
a woman?

The only thing that they had in common
was the fact that they both were.

My husband thought she was a pain in the
neck.

I had a much lower opinion of her than
that.

You didn't care for her.

I'll even say if ever she gave birth, I
wouldn't want one of the puppies.

She's the kind of person that you phone
up and hope for an engaged signal.

But Chubby told me.

Obviously, he thought she was
attractive.

Well, is he a like Picasso or you don't?

In an effort to cash in on the wedding,
the studio cast them together with Patty

Bottom in The Man Between.

Now, you just listen to me. Ask yourself
this question.

Do you really need him? Of course you
do. Does he need you?

Of course he doesn't. Think he does.

But does he really?

No. Now, don't answer yes if you mean
no. Of course he does.

Not. So remember, be firm, be brave, be
resolute,

but above all, be consanguinical.

Well, I reckon you girls are taking this
woman's lip thing a little bit too far.

Now, what do you mean by that?

I reckon a man's entitled to get all the
funny can out of life.

Doctor, what do you think of it? What
does she know about it anyway?

As it happens, I know plenty.

I'd only got to look at my parents to
see what another woman thinks of a

marriage. I tell you, I've never told
anyone this.

English law.

Why, he even used to stand up whenever
anybody played the queen.

Well, that's understandable.

And poker.

I tell you, at premieres, he used to
look just like St. George with his drag

He'd always keep thinking that the
laundry was a shrink in his shirts, and

day he sent him a 12 -inch nail with a
note saying, shrink that.

They sent back a team tag with a note
saying, we did.

Him and his wife, they was always
fighting and a -feuding and a -cussing.

you, if it wasn't me and him, it was me
and her. It was always me and her. Is

that why you left? No, I left on account
of my conscience.

I figured I was doing two horses out of
a jar.

You see, the trouble was he drank a lot,
and I've never done that. I've never

drunk straight.

I still most of the damn time.

Anybody can drink that. I've never... He
used to drink bourbon laced with castor

oil. What they call a pile driver.

And we did everything we could for him.
I mean, we really did. I mean, I even

put on this historical concoction of
his.

Did he have to be concocted? He
concocted up. I'll tell you that for

Hiya, Vance. Say, how's your ear?

Pardon? I said, how's your ear coming
off?

Okay, Mona, could you give us a smile?

Mona, could you give us a little smile?

Oh, sacred blue, Mona, can we have a
little smile? Oh, my God, Vance.

Right.

In an effort to get some value out of
this liability, the studio even let him

direct himself.

It was on this film that he died.

And he died on the set while the cameras
were running.

And, according to his wife, he didn't
die very well.

Who is it?

It's me, Sam Godworth.

Come in.

Hi, Natasha.

Hi, you're looking as lovely as ever, I
see.

Nice of you to say so.

No, I mean it.

You've changed.

Have I?

You have.

You're doing pretty well, I see.

Natasha! Yes?

That was lovely. No, thank you very much
indeed.

A grateful studio gave Buster James the
starring role.

Since then, he's never looked back.

Chubby Dodds was buried a mile from this
swamp area where he was born.

But even this desolate marshland is
still part of Hollywood.

Hollywood where one minute you're up and
starring, and the next minute you're

down and out.

Bigger time.

Some men think he's your son, they guess
they might feel the man is a

woman.

Tonight, I'll take my final drink to
boogie on the bed.

wouldn't leave his things all over the
place.

Good evening, and welcome to Women's
List Television.

And I see that at 6 .15 this evening, we
have another edition of Mrs. and Mr.

At 8 o 'clock, Woman Alive will be
dealing with the practice of husband

swapping. At 9 o 'clock, we have the
final of Mistress Mind.

At 10 o 'clock, it's time for the
competition to start.

the century.

And tonight, this all -purpose carpet
cleaner in the shops at £70 is on offer

for just £3 .50.

This handsome bed warmer, value £200,
yours for £5.

And now, let's meet the lady with the
questions, Nicola Carpenter.

Good evening, everyone.

Thank you so much. And right away, we're
going to meet our first contestants.

First of all, we have Miss Sue Upton.
Dyke. We also have Miss Helen Hornet

Bond. And last, and by all means least,
we have Stan

Moore from Romford. No, Ron Moore from
Stanford.

They're going to get a surprise when
they open the coffin and find you gone,

aren't they?

God, look at that face.

It looks like it's worn out two bodies.

to look like that? Was it drink and
debauchery, was it?

No, nothing like that. I always had a
very quiet life.

What a pity.

You haven't even enjoyed getting to look
like that.

Right, Harry, get on with the questions.
Now, here's the first question. What is

one woman talking?

A monologue.

And two women talking?

A catalogue.

One pound away.

Don't get cocky sometimes.

What does it mean when a carpet is in
mint condition?

As brand new.

No, it has a hole in the middle.

Another pound away.

What sort of people eat cow's eggs?

People who live on the Isle of Wight.

A lady wants a pretty but expensive
dress.

What does the perfect fiancé do? Talk
her out of it or buy it for her?

He buys it for her. He talks her out of
it.

Well done.

And you will be.

What is a wink?

A weather signal.

Spell weather.

W -

A -R -A.

That's the worst spell of weather we've
had all year, I think.

Now then, after the first, a man gets
tired.

After the second, he's fatigued. After
the third, he's exhausted.

Why doesn't he stop after the first?

Because he lives on the fourth floor.

I live on the ground floor.

That doesn't surprise me at all.

Now, shall we have a look and see what
we have on our instant open sale? And on

offer tonight, these two... This one...

This easily assembled kitchen table
unit.

It comes with all parts interlocking and
is ready for painting in

whatever your favorite color...

Well, no offers.

Okay, you do surprise me. Where are all
these prayers for women?

What about me?

There was the kitchen table.

It broke.

It was approved by the British Safety
Council.

Yes, and so is a Titanic.

Let's get on.

Don't you lower your voice to me.

Just because I'm a man.

Oh, is that what you are? I couldn't see
the label from here.

Are you trying to make a monkey out of
me? I never interfere with nature.

Right, now the questions go up to five
pounds. What does it mean when a man is

bald at the front?

He's a great thinker. And when he's bald
at the back?

He's a great lover.

And when he's bald all over?

He's a great thinker and a great lover.

No, he thinks he's a great lover.

What is dark brown and only has three
leaves?

A Pakistani soldier.

LAUGHTER What are the three fastest
means of

communication?

Telephone, telegram... And telewoman.

LAUGHTER Telegraph, five pounds away,
sorry.

Walter Drums wrote many pieces for
percussion.

What did he get for his timpani piece?

Two five -pony pieces?

LAUGHTER

Trip question that one was. Well, now, I
see that after now it's between Sue and

Ron Moore from Stanford. So here now is
the next question. How much... No, no,

I'm going to carry on because I've
started.

How much water should you put into a
four -egg omelette?

A dessert spoonful.

Heaped or level?

Heaped.

What a pity.

And so, Sue Updike...

You have one, and will you join me now
for the sale of the century?

Well, there it is, Sue. Hey, wait a
moment.

I've got more than she has.

That's a sweat. Sorry, Sue, he does have
a point, and I don't just mean his

head. I'm sorry, but it gives me very
great pleasure to give you this brand

new 1980 Morris Mini Minor Windscreen
Wiper. And here you are.

And now,

it's

time for sport with Debbie Davis.

And in a fact program, we have hockey.
Yes, it's putney ladies now at the ball

as they race toward the brimstone goal.
And they've scored!

In the first minute, putney ladies are a
goal up and...

Oh, there seems to have been a slight
move.

We are returning to the studio.

We have mixed golf.

He should have no difficulty with this
one.

And he's missed it.

Mrs. Rombo is looking supremely
confident.

Thank you for watching.

You may remember last year she was
carried off with...

Oh, I tell you that Tilly Tompkins,
she's a cool woman, no mistake. Look,

at that.

Look at that.

She's never known to get hot flushes or
gay cross or gossip. She's a good girl.

of veteran goalkeeper Hazel Knott.

Is goalkeeper Hazel Knott looking very
fetching in her pea green jumper which

she tells me she knitted herself?

I'm not sure.

Tilly Todd looking very cool.

It would be a great pleasure to present
this trophy to you and to place it in

the hands that have often been said to
be as safe as the fangs of England.

This is nuts.

Gold Table of the Year, we salute you.

Now we're in for a real treat.

Don't do that, Sandra.

Once upon a time, there were three
little boys who went to the police

But they just got bored with the
routine.

My name is Charlene.

Looking as adorable as ever.

Is that a Picasso?

No, it's a Cipollata.

Oh, I see.

He did that during his blue period.

Well, you could see he wasn't happy when
he painted that.

Scotch mist.

I haven't had a job all day.

Give me a hand, please.

Well, they might have let it finish
eating its apple before they killed it

Three beans on toast.

Three beans on toast here.

Right.

Two dollars for me?

What are you trying to do, to dupe me?