Original subtitles

Have there been any other men in your life?

Yeah.

There was Harry, and Joe, and Bill,

and then Frank, and then Charlie, and then Jack,

and then there was you, and then there was nine.

LAUGHTER

Meet the gentleman in the very hotel.

They seek him here.

They seek him there.

There were trenches that hit him everywhere.

Had he gone underground?

Or under the import?

That damned and loathed Scarlet Pimple.

chubby daughters.

At the time, my late husband was the head of the studios, and he had a

problem. He couldn't get enough of it.

His idea of outer space was anywhere more than 30 yards from a bar.

He used to frequent this bar where the barmaid was an old dragon, and he used

say, when she starts looking like Greta Garbo, it's time to go.

and Chubby Dots took over, and when he started looking like Clark Gable, my

husband signed him up for 25 years.

I remember the first picture he did was the Western. God, the scenery was

beautiful, but Chubby Dots kept standing in front of us.

I'll show you my 38th if you show me yours.

is the champion dog catcher of Hazard County?

Your brother's got a wooden leg. I know that.

Well, how does he run after dogs with a wooden leg?

He don't have to. He just stands on the street corner and they come to him.

He lost all his money under that gambling with a chimpanzee.

Knowing that Toby's drawing

power as a star was negligible, the studios, in their infinite wisdom,

to team him opposite Curly Dimple.

10 -year -old Muppet, who many people said, quite unfairly, was a 40 -year

midget. But here in Hollywood, they say the tits.

They say the tits.

Unwise to act with children and animals, but acting with children held no fears

for chubby gods.

Uncle Jed, Uncle Jed, I'm so unhappy.

My mommy's dying. My daddy's face has been taken by the illness. It's all

baby.

Here in Hollywood, where it is often said that they separate the men from the

boys with a crowbar, the studio is careful to project a masculine image.

Oh, I like Chubby Dodge, you know. He was a man's man, like I am, huh?

I don't normally share billing because I'm a star, but I didn't mind in his

because we both like the ladies, you know what I mean?

He used to tell them he'd run out of petrol.

Not overly original.

On the dodging?

I used to have meals with man appealing on platefuls of spaghetti.

I remember one night in Sardis, he said, if I have any more spaghetti and I

burp, I'm going to lasso a waiter.

And drink, God, he would drink 15 beers a night.

He lived life with a big L. And sometimes he suffered pain with a big P.

rumors were rife about a romance between Chubby and one of the studio's contract

players.

Oh, yes. Of course, her name was... Her name was Victoria.

She was named after your Queen Victoria.

And not so damn long after either.

I remember the first film they did together was the Western.

You know, she had to say, you're not in love with me. You're in love with your

six -shooter.

Can you imagine that? Joby danced in love with his six -shooter.

Fond of it.

Well,

maybe it's a little, you know. But, of course, her uncle owned the studios.

She got her job through relatives.

So did your queen.

I mean, me.

I tell you, Detroit. The trouble with Chubby Dolls is he got too rich too

quickly. Couldn't pick up a golf club without spitting on his hands first.

Used to invite the neighbors aboard his yacht.

A lot of stars have a yacht. In the swimming pool.

Who but Chubby Dolls would feed his goldfish ant eggs?

Fried in butter.

Then he met Victoria V. Oh, is that a woman? Is that a woman?

That's what people kept asking. Is that a woman?

The only thing that they had in common was the fact that they both were.

My husband thought she was a pain in the neck.

I had a much lower opinion of her than that.

You didn't care for her.

I'll even say if ever she gave birth, I wouldn't want one of the puppies.

She's the kind of person that you phone up and hope for an engaged signal.

But Chubby told me.

Obviously, he thought she was attractive.

Well, is he a like Picasso or you don't?

In an effort to cash in on the wedding, the studio cast them together with Patty

Bottom in The Man Between.

Now, you just listen to me. Ask yourself this question.

Do you really need him? Of course you do. Does he need you?

Of course he doesn't. Think he does.

But does he really?

No. Now, don't answer yes if you mean no. Of course he does.

Not. So remember, be firm, be brave, be resolute,

but above all, be consanguinical.

Well, I reckon you girls are taking this woman's lip thing a little bit too far.

Now, what do you mean by that?

I reckon a man's entitled to get all the funny can out of life.

Doctor, what do you think of it? What does she know about it anyway?

As it happens, I know plenty.

I'd only got to look at my parents to see what another woman thinks of a

marriage. I tell you, I've never told anyone this.

English law.

Why, he even used to stand up whenever anybody played the queen.

Well, that's understandable.

And poker.

I tell you, at premieres, he used to look just like St. George with his drag

He'd always keep thinking that the laundry was a shrink in his shirts, and

day he sent him a 12 -inch nail with a note saying, shrink that.

They sent back a team tag with a note saying, we did.

Him and his wife, they was always fighting and a -feuding and a -cussing.

you, if it wasn't me and him, it was me and her. It was always me and her. Is

that why you left? No, I left on account of my conscience.

I figured I was doing two horses out of a jar.

You see, the trouble was he drank a lot, and I've never done that. I've never

drunk straight.

I still most of the damn time.

Anybody can drink that. I've never... He used to drink bourbon laced with castor

oil. What they call a pile driver.

And we did everything we could for him. I mean, we really did. I mean, I even

put on this historical concoction of his.

Did he have to be concocted? He concocted up. I'll tell you that for

Hiya, Vance. Say, how's your ear?

Pardon? I said, how's your ear coming off?

Okay, Mona, could you give us a smile?

Mona, could you give us a little smile?

Oh, sacred blue, Mona, can we have a little smile? Oh, my God, Vance.

Right.

In an effort to get some value out of this liability, the studio even let him

direct himself.

It was on this film that he died.

And he died on the set while the cameras were running.

And, according to his wife, he didn't die very well.

Who is it?

It's me, Sam Godworth.

Come in.

Hi, Natasha.

Hi, you're looking as lovely as ever, I see.

Nice of you to say so.

No, I mean it.

You've changed.

Have I?

You have.

You're doing pretty well, I see.

Natasha! Yes?

That was lovely. No, thank you very much indeed.

A grateful studio gave Buster James the starring role.

Since then, he's never looked back.

Chubby Dodds was buried a mile from this swamp area where he was born.

But even this desolate marshland is still part of Hollywood.

Hollywood where one minute you're up and starring, and the next minute you're

down and out.

Bigger time.

Some men think he's your son, they guess they might feel the man is a

woman.

Tonight, I'll take my final drink to boogie on the bed.

wouldn't leave his things all over the place.

Good evening, and welcome to Women's List Television.

And I see that at 6 .15 this evening, we have another edition of Mrs. and Mr.

At 8 o 'clock, Woman Alive will be dealing with the practice of husband

swapping. At 9 o 'clock, we have the final of Mistress Mind.

At 10 o 'clock, it's time for the competition to start.

the century.

And tonight, this all -purpose carpet cleaner in the shops at £70 is on offer

for just £3 .50.

This handsome bed warmer, value £200, yours for £5.

And now, let's meet the lady with the questions, Nicola Carpenter.

Good evening, everyone.

Thank you so much. And right away, we're going to meet our first contestants.

First of all, we have Miss Sue Upton. Dyke. We also have Miss Helen Hornet

Bond. And last, and by all means least, we have Stan

Moore from Romford. No, Ron Moore from Stanford.

They're going to get a surprise when they open the coffin and find you gone,

aren't they?

God, look at that face.

It looks like it's worn out two bodies.

to look like that? Was it drink and debauchery, was it?

No, nothing like that. I always had a very quiet life.

What a pity.

You haven't even enjoyed getting to look like that.

Right, Harry, get on with the questions. Now, here's the first question. What is

one woman talking?

A monologue.

And two women talking?

A catalogue.

One pound away.

Don't get cocky sometimes.

What does it mean when a carpet is in mint condition?

As brand new.

No, it has a hole in the middle.

Another pound away.

What sort of people eat cow's eggs?

People who live on the Isle of Wight.

A lady wants a pretty but expensive dress.

What does the perfect fiancé do? Talk her out of it or buy it for her?

He buys it for her. He talks her out of it.

Well done.

And you will be.

What is a wink?

A weather signal.

Spell weather.

W -

A -R -A.

That's the worst spell of weather we've had all year, I think.

Now then, after the first, a man gets tired.

After the second, he's fatigued. After the third, he's exhausted.

Why doesn't he stop after the first?

Because he lives on the fourth floor.

I live on the ground floor.

That doesn't surprise me at all.

Now, shall we have a look and see what we have on our instant open sale? And on

offer tonight, these two... This one...

This easily assembled kitchen table unit.

It comes with all parts interlocking and is ready for painting in

whatever your favorite color...

Well, no offers.

Okay, you do surprise me. Where are all these prayers for women?

What about me?

There was the kitchen table.

It broke.

It was approved by the British Safety Council.

Yes, and so is a Titanic.

Let's get on.

Don't you lower your voice to me.

Just because I'm a man.

Oh, is that what you are? I couldn't see the label from here.

Are you trying to make a monkey out of me? I never interfere with nature.

Right, now the questions go up to five pounds. What does it mean when a man is

bald at the front?

He's a great thinker. And when he's bald at the back?

He's a great lover.

And when he's bald all over?

He's a great thinker and a great lover.

No, he thinks he's a great lover.

What is dark brown and only has three leaves?

A Pakistani soldier.

LAUGHTER What are the three fastest means of

communication?

Telephone, telegram... And telewoman.

LAUGHTER Telegraph, five pounds away, sorry.

Walter Drums wrote many pieces for percussion.

What did he get for his timpani piece?

Two five -pony pieces?

LAUGHTER

Trip question that one was. Well, now, I see that after now it's between Sue and

Ron Moore from Stanford. So here now is the next question. How much... No, no,

I'm going to carry on because I've started.

How much water should you put into a four -egg omelette?

A dessert spoonful.

Heaped or level?

Heaped.

What a pity.

And so, Sue Updike...

You have one, and will you join me now for the sale of the century?

Well, there it is, Sue. Hey, wait a moment.

I've got more than she has.

That's a sweat. Sorry, Sue, he does have a point, and I don't just mean his

head. I'm sorry, but it gives me very great pleasure to give you this brand

new 1980 Morris Mini Minor Windscreen Wiper. And here you are.

And now,

it's

time for sport with Debbie Davis.

And in a fact program, we have hockey. Yes, it's putney ladies now at the ball

as they race toward the brimstone goal. And they've scored!

In the first minute, putney ladies are a goal up and...

Oh, there seems to have been a slight move.

We are returning to the studio.

We have mixed golf.

He should have no difficulty with this one.

And he's missed it.

Mrs. Rombo is looking supremely confident.

Thank you for watching.

You may remember last year she was carried off with...

Oh, I tell you that Tilly Tompkins, she's a cool woman, no mistake. Look,

at that.

Look at that.

She's never known to get hot flushes or gay cross or gossip. She's a good girl.

of veteran goalkeeper Hazel Knott.

Is goalkeeper Hazel Knott looking very fetching in her pea green jumper which

she tells me she knitted herself?

I'm not sure.

Tilly Todd looking very cool.

It would be a great pleasure to present this trophy to you and to place it in

the hands that have often been said to be as safe as the fangs of England.

This is nuts.

Gold Table of the Year, we salute you.

Now we're in for a real treat.

Don't do that, Sandra.

Once upon a time, there were three little boys who went to the police

But they just got bored with the routine.

My name is Charlene.

Looking as adorable as ever.

Is that a Picasso?

No, it's a Cipollata.

Oh, I see.

He did that during his blue period.

Well, you could see he wasn't happy when he painted that.

Scotch mist.

I haven't had a job all day.

Give me a hand, please.

Well, they might have let it finish eating its apple before they killed it

Three beans on toast.

Three beans on toast here.

Right.

Two dollars for me?

What are you trying to do, to dupe me?