Original subtitles

Yes, it's the Penny Hill Show.

And here he is, the lad, Penny Hill.

Good evening, everybody.

We have a fact, a programme for you this evening.

I see we have a world in action.

World in action.

And Len Murray will be digesting fried onions.

We'll be discussing trade unions.

And their current plan, two orange aids.

Their current plan to arrange aid for single girls who've never been

enjoyed. And never been employed.

We've locked her in the loop.

We've docked her on the go.

And there'll be more laughs in the lift from the loft where Sir Geoffrey Loftus

left us laughing.

For fans of Coronation Street, then fair enough.

Len Fairclough.

But buys Rita Littlewood a diving suit.

A divan suite.

And tells her, for your own good, be in bed before I am.

Oh, be in bed before 1am.

Later on, a man grabs hold of her corsets.

A man grabs hold of her. A corset's not anyone's.

Yes, the youngsters will be watching the TV set avidly tomorrow because there's

suppers on it.

Because there's supersonic.

With Elton John, Rod Stewart and Paganini.

Oh, page nine.

Sports fans can see Davies Dickie.

Dickie Davies.

Leighton Orient beat Hawaii 5 -0.

Later on, there'll be Hawaii Five -0.

In Aquarius, we'll be meeting a lady who's half... Oh, we'll be meeting a

who is harpist.

With the Homburg into the orchestra, and we'll get a beef extract.

A brief extract from the battered bridge.

The battered bread. The battered bride!

Then there's crossroads, and Benny proposes... To Diane, and she says she's

quite willing to tickle it if he washes it.

Quite willing to tackle it if he wishes it.

But first of all, here are our American friends, Husky and Starch.

Starchy and Husky.

Oh, was that abroad or was that abroad?

She lives up at the Lynch apartment.

Yeah, man, wow, what a figure, huh?

Flat 38.

Is that possible?

What's the captain?

In the middle of Main Street.

Seventeen stitches.

I told her those pants were too tight.

Hey, you ever heard of Slimy Sally?

Yeah, I heard the name Psychopathic Killer, right?

She has just kidnapped the governor's daughter.

I didn't know he had a daughter.

A hundred thousand dollars reward.

Wow.

Hey, Huggy, do you know where Slimy Sally hangs out?

Yeah.

But on the block, can you see the booty runner?

Turn right until you see the fat hooker with the kids throwing the switchblade

at the telegraph pole into 21st Street and up the alley by the warehouse.

Why don't you get married and have kids? They can support you. You wouldn't have

to work anymore.

No, I can find a pregnant widow.

I heard her looking up old friends, but this is ridiculous.

This is not helping us find the girl.

Why do you keep doing that?

Doing what?

Well, like you do. Like, I mean, one minute you're okay, and the next minute

you... Well, they all do it, man. I mean, Kojak's doing it all the time. Why

not?

Blimey, Sally, the party's over.

Throw down your gun.

to try and kidnap innocent young girls.

Can you hear me, Slimy Sally?

Yeah, I can hear you. There's no need to shout.

You are Slimy Sally?

Thank you. Thank you, darling, for being so considerate and getting me this

lovely buyer's belt.

Yes, we certainly got a bargain when he bought this.

Where does he get them from?

Philip!

And now... Thank you.

From my group, I'd like to feature...

My bass player, Pedro.

And my drummer, Manuel.

In my interpretation of... I've got no drum. I've got no drum.

Fever. I've got no drum.

Fever. And the morning fever all...

gets the fever fever isn't such a new

thing

Yeah, but...

Wasn't a very nice gesture, now was it, sir?

This, of course, is Sir Champagne with a difference. Yes, sir, this is the very

first time that the Granny of the Year show has been televised, and we hope it

won't be the last, sir.

And tonight you're riding... I'm riding Granny Smith. Here she is, sir. Come

along, come along, boy. Bring her along.

She's a lovely little mare. She's a little on the chubby side, sir, but

uh... You see, she's very fond of her oats.

Put on a little weight there, you see. She, of course, has been sired.

by old Grandad, who, as you probably know, sir, won the Derby and Joan Club

Stakes in 1972.

Since then, sir, we've put him out to stud, and he has sired no fewer than 185

yearlings. I'd like to see him. Oh, we can't dig him up just for you, can we,

sir?

Right, I've got to go now, sir. Now, hold it still, boy. Come on, come on.

it still. It's very frisky, you know. This,

of course, is crucial for Britain, as Colonel Llewellyn Todd has to beat the

clock. Here comes Granny Smith now.

Remarkably fit after her fall at Badminton. And Colonel Llewellyn Smith

dropped his hat and he's picking up without dismounting.

If you look closely at Granny Smith, you'll see she's sweating rather a lot.

And we're prone to do this because she's carrying more weight than she usually

does. And she's into her stride. She's over the second row.

That's not a refusal. I think she's going to make it. She's done the water

She's just got her foot just in there. But she can still win if she does it

within the time frame.

over. And come on, Granny Smith. There she goes. She's running. She's running.

She's done it. And here comes the Queen Mother.

Well done, Granny.

And now, as is traditional at the Granny of the Air Show, we conclude with the

Mounties' musical ride.

Ladies and gentlemen, whenever a cinemascope or widescreen film is shown

television, the presenter is faced with a problem.

You see, he either presents it this way, but that only occupies the middle third

of the screen.

Or he puts on what's known as a squeezed lens and squeezes all the action up

into one little shot, but unfortunately that makes everybody look 12 feet tall.

Or on the other hand, he can sort of fish about for the interesting bits of

action. Like this chap did.

and I want to show you.

There, what do you think of that, huh?

It's beautiful.

It's so big, it seems to go on forever.

You must be very proud.

I sure am.

When you said you had some land, I didn't know you meant so many acres.

It looks so nice with the sun shining on it, doesn't it?

It sure as hell does.

Whole lot of ranchers would like to get their hands on that.

I think maybe I'll put a landing strip there and open it up as a resort.

That's a good idea.

Ah, to take more than a few tourists to spoil anything as beautiful as that.

I think you're right.

Hey, what are you doing?

Oh, still, I can't undo it if you keep wriggling about there.

I didn't know you had anything as nice as that in there.

Wow, I can't wait to sink my teeth into them.

May I?

is it?

No, it's not.

I thought not.

Does it matter very much?

No, it doesn't.

Just to think you go to all this trouble just to impress me.

Just as we are part of this great land.

If I were as far as the eye can see.

Nothing can dim the beauty of this great land.

This America.

Oh, there's a man in Mrs. Treader's garden.

He's looking through a bedroom window, the dirty beast.

been tombed there all after quick george come and have a look he's wearing

Black and white, had a little bit of moonlight for the intercontinental

Shy girl, sexy girl, they all like the fancy world.

Champagne, a gentle song, and a slow dance.

Who makes it fun to spend your money?

Who calls you honey most every day?

Wow.

I'd like to get to know you, but all I do is smile at you.

Wow.

You've got me high as a kite.

Yeah, yeah.

There's something about you, baby, I like.

Thank you.

I want to be in that number when the saints go marching.

For a long time I was worried about my bristles.

So when at night you farm like bristles should be, but falling about all over

the place, my boyfriend was constantly picking them up off the floor.

So, lady, make sure your bristles are good and strong and firm. No, no, whoa,

whoa, whoa. No, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, look, look.

Bristles. Bristles.

Now, Bristow, you don't come out to tea, do you?

There's no tea. No tea.

Okay. I'll get him out of the studio!

Miss Thatcher here with a message to the nation.

When your back's to the wall, keep your eye on the ball, never mind how much

it'll earn you.

Put your shoulder to the wheel and keep your nose to the grindstone and you know

what you'll get.

Yeah, double hernia.

Ha, ha.

Now, push off, Maggie. You're too snooty for this lot.

Isn't she, boys and girls?

I'll have you know, James, I spent all morning playing squash with the workers.

I know.

I saw you driving the steamroller.

Oh, then, Maggie, I know some criticise and say I'm unwise to make cuts in

higher education, but what workman cares what a cubic foot is? When he gets one,

he just claims compensation.

There'll be a big creek to sign on for the dole. Some say that's too high and

should end it, but the unemployed should get more than those working because

they've got more time to spend it.

Wait a minute, Jimmy.

Where's it all coming from, eh?

I know it's no fun today for the young when they see their pound keep on

sinking, but it's worse when you're old and feeble and cold and your

differential starts shrinking.

So let's offer our aid to those poorly paid, to the old folk down to their last

penny. You see, I love poor people. No, I really do.

That's why I've created so many.

Oh, dear, oh, dear, you're breaking my heart.

Careful with that pipe, Harold.

Don't worry about me, love. I'm fireproof.

I've got a wife and a lighter, and they both work. This would never have

happened if Ted Heath had been alive.

No, no, Harold. Less of that, or I'll set my job on you.

Deo! Is it Deo?

De la comandante de la... Deo!

Is it Deo?

They're money, Mad Enoch. I can't think why.

Cause?

If you save your money, you're a miser.

If you spend your money, you're a fool.

If you go and get money, then you're lazy.

You're getting your dollars to the road.

If you give it all away, then you're a waster. The world will try and make you

small. You get locked up if you thieve it. When you die, you've got to leave

What's the good of money after all?

Oh, yes.

What's the good of money after all? One more time.

What's the good of...

Those of you looking for somewhere new to go this year, will I'm sure be

to meet Chinese package tour operator, Mr.

Chao Min.

Mr.

Chao Min was educated at Eden.

Harrow. At Harrow.

Henley.

Harrow, Henley.

You no say Harold Henley.

I say Harold Henley.

Harold Henley.

Hello, Henry.

Yes.

Oy vey.

Gotta like my sugar in here.

You know, I told you I'd show a bit of reggae, a bit sexy, yeah. Oh, that's

nice. Maybe get a date with a floor manager.

In with a face fungus.

These package holidays of yours to China, I must say, they do seem a bit

-fetched. Well, of course they're far -fetched.

Because China's a flippin' wrong way. That's why they're far -fetched. Why,

rubbery when you get there. Shanghai, Shantung, Nanking, all pretty cities.

come. Hong Kong?

Yeah, bring the wife. Why not?

It's so nice.

It's got everything. It's got a son for the kids, son for the wife.

Sharks for the wife's mother.

Well, of course, we are more used to the Costa Brava and the French Riviera.

Costa bloody Brava?

The French liver area?

Oh, Sacrebro.

Oh, frog's regs and asparagus.

You eat that fallen muck and it's so expensive.

On the Costa China.

At Tongting's holiday camp.

Give or take a pee?

You can have a glass of Shelly.

A glass of Shelly.

Rock and roll.

Rock and roll.

Lemon, lemon.

Ramen, lemon.

Why you not pee everything?

Like a frippin' pallet all the time, too.

Look, I tell you another thing. If you're rocky, if you're in rock, and

got a very rocky face,

Maybe you get served with one of our topless waitresses.

That is so you're no rook too crochet at the bill.

What about their tips?

What about them?

Do they have any?

Of course they do.

Not very big ones.

But that is because the tool list... You're not very generous.

That's why.

And then you go outside and there is fishing or tennis.

Fishing and tennis?

No, fishing or tennis. Only got one net.

It's lovely.

You come there. Hi, Pong. She look after you.

She's your secretary?

No.

Pardon?

She takes things down for you.

Yes.

She also running too tight.

She can do 30 words a minute.

Give or take a minute.

But she only 15.

She's had a lesson.

Yes. She had a lesson last night.

Had a lesson the day before. She not learn very much, but I did.

When the zipper stuck.

How often do you take off for China?

Brian, tonight.

Sounds like a Chinese chip shop.

You see, they're cropping.

They're just as stupid as you are.

And, um...

at Shanghai Airport? No, Shanghai Tennis Court.

How does the plane stop in such a short space?

We reeve the net up.

Then we have a nightclub and a cabaret with a rubbery radio singer.

Hi, Pong.

Pardon? Hi, Pong.

I thought it was the glanes.

She sing.

Oh, no, she no sing. She too small. She no have big enough diagram.

Who sing have to have big, big diagram.

Diagram. Do I have to draw you a diaphragm?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

It's diaphragm. It's where the note starts. And it works its way up the

breathing tube, past the pharynx and the larynx, and then across the epiglottis,

and then over the tongue, and it ends up by coming out through the lips like

this.

That's hardly worth the trip.

No, we have a rubbery reedy sinner.

Oh, she's got, she's really right by file.

She's rubbery. Unfortunately, she is engaged to this Sarah.

And she's crazy about him.

Sarah, is it he?

Sarah, is it he? No, he is a Sarah!

Stupid area.

Oh.

I'm sorry. It's just the way you roll your arms.

How you know you don't see me walking there?

Hey, you ratchet buster.

Yeah, get a punch up her throat.

I believe you take off from one of our smaller airports.

I have a right.

Hmm? I have a right.

Of course you have. But where is it?

I just tell you, Isle of Wight!

Isle of Wight? Yes!

My brother take them across in his boat.

And you actually fly people from the Isle of Wight to China and back for 50

pounds? Yes.

Mr. Meaden, I have no hesitation in awarding you our bargain holiday of the

trophy. Oh, that's nice. That's nice, yeah.

By the way, how much does he charge to get them across to the Isle of Wight?

Two thousand pounds.

Each way.

Say goodnight, Henley.

Goodnight, Henley.

Ladies and gentlemen, we proudly present the nuts, bags and quails of the Milk

Marketing Board, Tipton Division.

Now, the old darn town sure opened up its eyes the night we held the speaker's

ball. There was every shape and every size.

At the speaker's ball.

The first door came running and a lovely bit of stuff. Well, Charlie had a

stroke and so did Mr. Duck. I wanted one as well, but I wasn't quick enough.

Oh,

fancy

death night, and it sure was fun.

Cousin Annie walked in backwards as a hot cross bun.

A wooden leg, my poor old Uncle Dick. Poured treacle on his bald head, half an

inch thick. He said, I'm going as a toffee apple on the stick.

To the treacle ball.

Auntie Jean went as Godiva and the horse cost 50 quid.

At the treacle ball.

But the horse got more dancers than Auntie Jean he did.

Ask on the mayor, ask Mrs. Gray. She said he's not my husband, I'm very sad

say. And Elsie said he doesn't come from this town anyway.

At a speaker's wedding,

at

least that's what I'm told.

And the bridegroom couldn't find a place to put his buttonhole.

maid was heard to mutter, Oh, what utter blip! A slab of strickers waiting is

the thing I'd never miss. And you can always tell who the best man is.

Oh, thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much for being

us, and we look forward to seeing you all again very soon. Until then, bye

Look after yourselves.

Yeah.