Original subtitles

It's the Benny Hill Show, and here he is, the ladded toast, Benny Hill.

The men who inhabited the town of St. Cowan were a rough and unscrupulous mob.

Once we put up a notice, man wanted for murder, and 16 applied for the job.

Into this. living hell come Eskimo now with a bright smile for each lumberjack.

I won't say she's cross -eyed but each time she cried the tears used to run

her back.

The chef she once loved had been taken above for one night as they lay by a

hedge along came his wife with a long -handled knife and she cut off his meat

two veg.

But she liked a few laughs. She played Ludo and Draff, and even indulged in

streaking. But we never found out if she'd varicose veins or a fountain pen

started leaking.

Jake was up at the bar. He was drinking Campari.

When Eskimo Nell wandered in, but he near died of fright when she said,

mine's a light.

And she ended up soaked to the skin.

To add to her discomfort, the man eating a crumpet dropped Pippin all over her

knee.

She said, Heavens above. And he said, I know, love, but I've got to get back for

me tea.

And he bought her a gin.

And as she sat on her bar stool with it, he said, I've been told that you're

hard and you're cold. She said, so's dynamite till you fall with it.

That tickled old Jake, and he bought her a steak, which she promptly had set in

a ring.

Next day, Jake married Nell.

But the cocky hotel clerk said, we're full up, we're having a thing. But Jake,

he was smarter.

He said, if President Carter came, you'd jolly soon find him a bed. He said, of

course we would. He said, well, that's good. He's not coming. We'll have it

instead.

Jake took the coming home late. Just four pints with me, mate. He'd say,

I've had little else.

One night, Nell found a note. And on it was wrote, I love you, Jake.

Signed, little else.

Jake was took very ill. As he made it his will, he said, I've been unfaithful,

my dear, with Jean, Annie, and Flo, and Nell said, I know, and that's why I

poisoned your beer.

At the funeral, the vicar had drunk so much liquor, he could hardly see what he

was reading.

And what's even worse, the bloke driving the earth was fined $50 for speeding.

Well, the judge knocked up Nell. Knocked up Nell!

She's all alone in that cell.

But some nights when I'm out here on guard, I think of her there in that

cold and bare, for to live all alone's awful hard.

It's like a rose without rain, like a creature in pain.

To live without love is a sin.

It's sad, but it's true.

What can I do? She got the key and she won't let me in!

And who am I to interfere with thee?

When it leaves,

who can say I'm a man? And I tease

them when I can.

I'm warning you. You do that one more time and I'll call the police.

Understand?

You never heard of candid camera?

No, it's not.

Oh, well, I never... Oh, good.

You were worried then. Where, where, where? Oh, beyond the van over there.

well, it's my mum's favourite programme. Get here. Wake your mum. Wake your mum.

Give us a kiss for mum. Oh, mum.

And your dad.

And your brother.

Oh, mum. Oh, dear.

Are you a director from Candid Camera?

No, I'm a dustman from Camden Council.

Oh, tell him that. I don't care.

Nothing, do I?

Now we join the criminal classes for their most important night of the year.

Here in the foyer of the Eureka Hotel are gathered many of the country's top

criminals, all anxiously waiting to see who is going to win this much coveted

award, which is the statue of a beaten copper.

In beaten copper.

How do the police feel about the giving of awards to criminals?

With me... Sergeant Fred Scuttle.

Good evening, all.

What's your answer to all this? Piffle!

face in his own garden last night. He didn't send for this lot, did he? He

for us.

And look what happened to me.

I got there.

You were attacked by the same assailant? No, I trod on the same rake.

That's not the point. I think nowadays I'm beginning to think there aren't any

honest people left.

I mean, nowadays if you see a fresh -faced country girl with a straw in her

mouth, chances are she's siphoning petrol.

And look at some of those publicans who overcharge.

They ought to be beyond bar.

who says they'll give you, sir? Me, sir? Me steal a car? No, sir. It was parked

outside the cemetery gates and I thought the owner was dead.

Me stab a copper? They say no, sir. I was cleaning me nails with a bread knife

and he ran onto it.

Seventeen times.

Backwards.

Well, what chance you... And they'll have you for wrongful arrest if you're

careful, you know, sir. I saw this girl the other day. I was 99 % sure.

I saw her nick those two melons and stuff them up her jumper.

But not completely sure, you see, sir.

So I approached her with my ballpoint in my hand.

It was then, sir, that I discovered that she was French.

She didn't speak English, I didn't speak French.

I had to explain in mine what I was after.

And I'm no Marcel Marceau, sir.

Well, it was a great palaver, I can tell you, sir.

Was an arrest finally made? Oh, yes. What happened? I got off.

I pleaded insanity.

I said I was mad about melons.

I'd better mingle, sir, otherwise I'll be out pounding the beat. Excuse me,

I say, here you go.

Are you gone?

Oh, yes.

I'll tell you something. Ever since my ex -husband's been inside, those

they've been hounding me. They have hounding me.

I mean, why should I help them with their inquiries?

They never helped him with his robberies, did they?

Now they're sending him to a prison without bars.

And he does love a drink, you know.

Your ex -husband? Well, I mean, the day he was sentenced, I gave him his

freedom.

Not only that, since he's been inside, he's met someone else.

He's very happy in there. I mean, the screws call him by his first three

numbers, which is nice, you know.

Do you know what one copper said to me the other day? He said, I'm booking you

for an immoral act.

Me? I said, when?

He said, how about next Friday?

Oh, yes. Hello, Chief Inspector. How are you? All right?

One drink and I really feel it.

Two drinks and anybody can feel it.

They appear to be about to make the presentation, so let's go inside.

Magfro, Leobald, and Jellyman.

Pray silence for your godfather, Thumper 2, GBH, and Bob.

First of all, we should remember absent friends.

Two -Ton Tingle, No -Nose Watson, Lefty Arkwright, Basher Bates, Bushelhead

O'Malley, and Peg Legg Johnson.

Six of the nicest gals ever to be asked in Holloway.

was going to have a big cake and a lovely nude showgirl jump out of it, but

unfortunately when we took it out of the oven she didn't look any too good.

So we dropped the idea and her into the Thames.

Now a subject near and dear to our hearts, police brutality.

In particular the matter of that copper breaking free of Bombersmith's fingers

with his ribs.

I know the sadistic swine is because I've got his ear in me pocket.

On the lighter side, this profession of ours has been officially declared

Britain's fastest growing industry.

Don't think of it.

Britain's only growing industry.

So we should be in line for the Queen's Award.

If they don't give us one, we'll nick it.

Now, I know you'll be pleased to know that our founder, Buster Benson, has

it.

He says it is all thanks to our friendly plastic surgeon, Mac the Knife, who not

only got him through Heathrow, but made him look 20 years younger.

He said he'd done this by cutting a little hole in me scalp and pulling all

loose skin up till it was tight and then tying a knot in it so as it shouldn't

slip back.

He said there are only three drawbacks.

One is I can't go anywhere without a hat on.

The second drawback is I've got a little hole in the middle of me forehead.

I tell people it is a bullet hole, but actually it is my navel.

And the third drawback is

no matter how hot it is, when I sunbathe on the beach,

I still have to wear a scarf.

Now, we'll have the awards, shall we, my darling?

Let's see who's won this.

Beautiful statuette in solid gold.

And as the lights are lowered, the underworld awaits to see which of these

crooks becomes the much -acclaimed villain of the year.

Most promising newcomer, Percy Balcock, for his work in armed robbery.

get it to flush.

Twenty

-one

today. Twenty -one today.

Twenty -one today. Twenty -one today. Twenty -one today.

Twenty -one today.

Twenty -one today.

Here, let me.

Thank you.

22 today.

22 today.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There we are.

Thank you very much.

Do you like women?

Oh, I love women.

I do it four times a day.

It gives you the cramp in the cold weather, you know.

I like doing it on me back, then.

Thank you.

I'd like to try the women across the channel.

French girls?

No, the women across the channel.

I've got women four times a day. Women!

You would think I'm awfully stupid.

Yeah.

Here, here.

Hopper boy.

High five.

Oh, top three. Yeah.

Here.

Here. Here.

You mean that? Yeah.

Yeah, I passed out again.

She went out with Americans. These Americans took her out, you know. They

her out all night.

I had to go along and bail her out.

She couldn't stop leaking.

Leaking all over the place.

And I'd been all over her bottom that morning with a tar brush.

Oh, a boat. A boat, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. What happened?

She went down.

She went down.

Just like that.

Then I put all me money on this horse in the naster.

And what happened?

It went down.

It went down.

Just like that.

Hey,

you just drunk my beer.

And mine too.

Ah, then this one must be mine.

some statuette who's got the statuette now who's got it now come on hold up

honour amongst thieves i don't know what i'm gonna do listen i'm putting the

lights down for two seconds when the lights come up it better be there right

Can I have an archipelago?

Here we go then.

Now the bridegroom, he was 90.

The bride was 17.

Now there's a funny thing.

The doctor said, you're taking a chance and she knows what I mean.

He said it could prove fatal. The old man blinked his eyes. He said, doctor,

a fatalist and if she dies, she dies.

waking vain.

All we want is just one bus to come and take us home.

Then seven come together because they're scared to come alone.

Here's Billy Connolly.

Could I have a handful, please?

Ah, lucky, on her motorbike she stopped me by a wood.

She said to you, Come on, the new. I'll do you better, dude. She took off her

clothes. She said, I'm yours. Take anything that you like.

Well, her wellies wouldn't fit me, so I took her motorbike.

Here's Al Johnson.

Don't you know me, mammy? Is your little boy sad?

Oh,

don't flimflam me, Mammy. Don't you remember when I was a little baby and it

Thanksgiving Day, Mammy, and you sent me next door to ask if we could borrow

their turkey for half an hour?

Do you remember, Mammy?

Oh, you remember when I had to fleas? And you said, whatever you do, don't let

landlord know you got to fleas because we're not allowed to keep pets.

Remember when I had the mumps, Mammy?

And Daddy said, you want to watch out, son?

You can die from the mumps.

And she said, oh, Daddy, don't tell a little baby a thing like that.

He won't die from the mumps. And he said he will if he gives it to me.

Do you remember that, Manny?

Oh, Manny.

My little Manny.

I'd walk a million miles for one of your miles, my Manny.

Thank you. And now, ladies and gentlemen, I present the very lovely

Anderson.

Where's the towel?

Could you get me a towel?

Towel.

Towel.

Thank you.

A man was sat with Mrs. Grable in a pub one night when he slipped beneath the

table, disappeared from sight. A waiter said, Madame, your husband's just

slipped onto the floor.

And that's all there is. There ain't no... No!

Dearly

beloved,

we are gathered here in the sight of God and in the face of this congregation.

to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony, which is an

honourable estate. Oh, Lord.

I've done it now, haven't I?

Just look at her. Look at that face.

Looks like it wore out two bodies.

Well, the old man has got a few bob put by.

It's more than I have.

It'll all be hers when he pegs out.

That shouldn't be long by the sound of things.

Oh, she is ugly, though.

Still, I'll be out most of the day, won't I?

Looking after one of her dad's factories, no doubt.

Oh, but cop that face.

Looks like an unmade bed.

Bed?

Bed?

Yeah, well, I have to... Yeah, well, she expect me to... I can't. I couldn't. I

couldn't. I can't go through with this. I can't. I can't let myself in for this.

I just can't. No, I can't do it. I won't. I won't.

No, not for all the money in the world.

Wilt thou, Ted, have this woman to thy wedded wife?

Ted Tingley!

Elsie! Oh, I'm wearing black on account of my dear departed husband.

Might they ask when he departed?

Oh, about ten minutes ago, but he won't be back till six.

You were in Joyce Hobbs' class, weren't you? Joyce Hobbs? You remember, had a

long nose, looked a bit like General de Gaulle, only taller.

Pretty hot.

Thanks.

Her mother had religious mania, didn't she?

She used to put on stained glass spectacles and watch stars on Sundays.

Have a good day. All right, thanks.

You never got married then?

Nothing like that.

Oh, and you've got a little glass there.

That'd be like burning the house down just to get a bit of toast, wouldn't it?

Thank you.

It's nice, that. A bit like cider, isn't it?

I'm warning you.

will be coming home soon.

I'm not doing anything.

I know, but if you're going, Sue, you'd better get started.

What about your husband, then?

Oh, Ian, he doesn't even look at me. If I was to have an accident, he wouldn't

be able to identify the body.

Why never?

Well, me neither.

Well, hardly ever.

Here, who do you like married, then? Oh, Bill Bates.

treat me awful.

Yeah, I know, but... Oh, heck, that's him.

Go on, find me. Get me out of here.

Go on.

Go on.

Sorry, love, I forgot me fag.

Bye -bye, Elsie.

Ta -ra, love.

Ta -ra, mate.

See, I told you, he doesn't care. He doesn't, does he, eh?

I mean, you do fancy me, don't you, Ted?

I see you stunning chronic. I do, I do, yes. I mean, you do find me attractive,

don't you, Ted? Oh, yeah, not at all. I do, yes. I mean, you do really want me,

don't you, Ted?

Oh, I'll see. I do. I do, I do.

And I now pronounce you married.

Here's the latest number.

I love you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank

you.

to catch you up before

We must apologise to viewers in the Dimpton -on -Sea area for a technical

during the whole of Coronation Street.

We do hope that the loss of sound and vision didn't spoil your enjoyment too

much.

Later this evening, you'll have another chance of seeing the very popular

Victorian Scandal.

My dear friend, thank you all for coming.

As you well know, it is just a year ago today...

The sweet Susan here became my bride.

You lucky bounder.

Just a year ago tonight that she first joined me in my bed, remember?

Oh, the cherry was ready for plucking, eh?

And I'll tell you this.

And Benson, my trusted servant here, will bear me out. This past year has

the happiest of my life.

And I know you'll all forgive me if I bid you adieu.

For I'm just as eager to be in her arms tonight.

as I was that first night one year ago.

You

make

me vomit.

You hypocrite.

The happiest year of my life. Oh, God, how I hate you.

I know that, dear. And now so does he. Who?

Him, Benson.

The eyes and ears of the world.

Now all London will know.

You know what a big mouth he's got?

You thought I didn't see you making sheep's eyes at your slut all through

dinner? I made sheep's eyes at no one.

Liar!

As God is my judge, I swear it's true.

Liar!

Do you think I don't know about you and all your fancy women?

running to the moment my back is turned.

Veronica!

Marcia!

Definite!

And I'll tell you why I go to them. They're sweeter, they're kinder, they're

prettier than you are.

And I'll tell you this.

I'm sick of your tantrums, do you hear? Dick!

It's got to stop! Now!

Then whose will you share it with?

There isn't a gentleman in London, or have you?

And there's not a gentleman in the land I'd want, but a man.

I talk, my girl, and which man will it be?

I swear if you were my mother's life, I'll...

I doubt that the fool would know what to do.

All right.

You've made your choice.

You can lie in it. See if I care.

Make forgiveness, is that it?

Expect me to wheedle, to persuade, to cajole you? Is that it? Is that what you

want? Then I will.

Darling, please forgive me.

Dearest, please say yes.

Oh, very well.

But if you promise it will never happen again, will you promise?

Will you?

Yes. I will.

Come, let's have some of our special... Brandy, eh?

And then we'll take it up to our room.

Ah, Benson.

Benson, we're together again.

Doesn't that make you happy?

Everything's starting to hum.

Wait till the warm -up's underway.

Wait till our lips have met.

Wait till you see that sunshine day. You ain't seen nothing yet.

The best is yet to come, and babe, won't it be fine?

The best is yet to come from the day you're mine.

The best is yet to come.

The best is yet to come.

Go on, Nick, let's go.

to be late, innit?

My friend will be here in a minute. Oh, yeah? Who's she like after? Oh, well,

you know that Avril? What, tall Avril?

The one with them long legs? All the way up to her Arthur's sister?

Yeah. Oh!

Well, she couldn't come.

Oh. So I asked Edie Grimple. And she could come? Yeah. She always can.

Will she be going home first or will she come straight round here from the

slaughterhouse? Oh!

It's got ears on it.

Yeah, you do and all.

Yeah, that's better.

Than what?

And straighten your stockings. They're all wrinkled.

I'm not wearing any.

Do you like my pearls?

Oh, I like them, Edie. Oh, are they real?

Of course they are.

Oh, come on. You're not going to tell me those are real.

Yeah? What about your friend?

He ain't one of them punk rockers, is he?

Oh, no, love, he's very high class. He's more like a Deb's Delight, you know.

Oh, he's loaded, is he?

Most night.

Now, where are we going, then?

Well, I can go in here if you like, all there is. The Regent is a sailor to...

sailor to city.

Supported by the mummy's aunt.

you, they're naked as nature intended.

Oh, I could go and watch a film like that. If I was to watch a film like

that, I'd want to bury my face.

Well, that's an idea, isn't it?

Why don't he come over here, then?

Well, I mean, he's only 20.

He's a bit shy.

Yeah, but...

I'll nip across and chat him up. Hang on here. What do you think of them two,

eh?

Don't think much of mine. Bye -bye.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Don't you want to see the monster from the Black Lagoon?

Yeah, I've just seen her.

Listen, mate, she's just been to the beauty parlour.

Was it shot?

All right, now listen, mate. Look, if we go out and have a meal, whatever you

do, don't go mopping up all that gravy with your bread.

A lot of people mop up gravy with their bread.

Not off other people's plates, they don't.

Come on, over here. Here we are, Edie, Ruthie, this is Paddy, your little

playmate of the month.

I don't think I've had the pleasure.

I'm not surprised.

Well, where are we going, then?

Well, we don't all have to go together, do we? I mean, two of us might not want

to go in here, and the other two might want to go down a tunnel of love.

Oh, I don't want to go down the tunnel of love with her.

want to have on it?

What? I think we should all stick together.

Excuse me, will you?

Be my guest.

Look, mate, we've got to split them up, mate. If we don't split them up, no

one's going to get anywhere, all right?

Well, I won't know what to do with her.

Well, you'll think of something.

I don't know, knowing you, perhaps you won't.

You see, I don't know much about the opposite sex.

Is there one in me you know which is the opposite sex?

And it won't you go back? was when you're dancing, remember?

Well, I'll take you down to the palais there and if you don't like it, you can

lose her in the ladies' excuse me.

And how do I do that? Lock the bloody door.

I'll tell you, I'm sure it'll come as no surprise to you when I tell you that

this young man here is the reigning all -Ireland dance champion.

But there I suspect you've already noticed his stylish gait.

I haven't even seen his house.

And he has asked me...

I'll ask you if you'll go dancing with him this evening.

Oh, I can't see, on account of my very close fight.

Oh, but I can.

I've never danced with a champion before. You've got to split them up,

no one's going to get anywhere.

of them so you could be alone with me.

Why did you pick on me then?

Because you're so exciting.

We could go to the fun fair. I'd like to go in the haunted house.

You'd be at home in there, wouldn't you?

They've got mirrors in there that make you look ever such a funny shape.

love. And Harry, you won't be disappointed because I've put on some

lipstick. You needn't have bothered.

Why not?

Because you've got a kiss -proof face!

It's no good me kidding myself.

I know you'd rather be with Ruth.

I'm always the one that some fella gets stuck with.

Never the one he wants.

But you must understand, Harry, That even if a woman ain't much to look at,

needs to be loved just as much as a pretty girl.

More so, in fact, because she needs reassuring.

Can't you see that, Harry?

Harry. Yeah, what? I want you to do something for me.

What? I want you to ask me to go out with you. Ask me nicely, as if you

wanted me to.

Well...

Please, Harry.

Edie, I'll be very proud.

I'll be very honoured to take you out tomorrow night. Will you come?

Say please, Harry.

Say please.

Please, Edie, will you come?

No!

Women, I'm finished with them. Finished with them. Never again.

Oh, no.

You woke me up to do it.