Original subtitles

Yes, it's the Benny Hill show.

And here we end, so let us go.

Benny Hill!

Now Bianca Malone with 38 stones, she's got eyes like ripples

in the snow.

She comes from St. Pete's, got a big pair of mitts, she could lay John Fonty

with one blow.

Now when she plays in the sand, the tide goes out and refuses to come back until

she's gone.

One day she bent down to pick up half the crown and we had andy clips on the

soil. Before we went for a stroll, she said, look, there's a bull and that's a

cow and that's a sow and that's a boar.

And just look at that, Joe, I said, Bianca, I know. She said, well, what do

want to tread in it for?

But by the barn door we knelt down in the straw and she said, Baby, she gave

hand a squeeze.

Would you like a roll in the hay?

And I said, okay.

She said, do you want fish paste or cheese?

Oh, lovely Bianca. Picked up Bianca like a peach on an apricot tree.

I was shot to her tanker and stale toothed Bianca. She thanked her for her

company.

Now this big fat girl has got a map of the world tattooed all over her skin.

One day she showed me Japan, the Gulf of Siam. I even had a peek at Pekin.

Now on her left knee was West Germany.

Russia was on her right thigh.

But when I looked and saw my wife at the door, I let the rest of the world move

by.

Oh, I divorced my wife and I began a new life with Bianca on a honeymoon cruise.

Our waiting night, it was great. I even let her stay up late to listen to the

six o 'clock news.

Now I am never blue with my queen of tattoo because a happier man could not

found. I've got heat in the winter. I've got shade in the summer. And moving

pictures all the year round.

To thank her for marrying me. To thank her for marrying me.

To thank her for marrying me.

To thank her for marrying me.

To thank her for marrying me.

Good evening, everyone, and welcome to the Thumb Annual Awards.

And we're going out right away to get a few of the views of a few of you.

Black and white minstrels, you see. Yes, yes, they have the rhythm, them

darkies. You wouldn't find white people singing and dancing like that because

they don't have the rhythm, you see.

Quest, mate.

Quest. Black and white minstrels. Quest.

Oh, two persons bow down.

I am two persons. I am two persons.

Well, go and chase yourself, you fucking white minstrel.

Oh, I like them romantic programmes best. I think they're lovely.

My favourite is that one where that man goes in that car, doesn't he? Races in

that car with that broken bridge, and he's on a motorbike, and he's in a

helicopter, and he swims out of the ship there, you know, just to put that box

of chocolates by the side of that nice lady's bed. You know, totally bad.

He steals away afterwards, ever so quiet, doesn't he, you know?

I mean, a lot of men would have woke her up and give her one, but, you know, the

educational ones, you know, ill -acuted.

Square -shaped shoes, so have a good suit. I can't do it. And I

like the medical ones that show you how to kill 99 % of all household germs.

Dead.

Couldn't kill them any other way, really. I thought, could you?

For me,

there's only one man on there.

Independent.

That boy got courage.

You know what happened last week?

Dennis did that soon.

Go, Mrs. Goosey, show up.

Steal bag of two shillings of pan cherries.

What for a shlammy? Two shillings of pan cherries?

Ernest, the policeman, he come along. He says, who said steal the cherries?

Dennis did that soon. Don't say nothing.

But little man, independent.

He says, Mr. Policeman, I must steal the cherries.

He own up to it. Don't do it, but he own up to it. I tell you that the boy got

courage.

Crossroads and crossroads, but they're puppets. I'm a talk about people.

Well, now, we're just as excited as you are to find out who's won the best

acting performance of the year, and the nominations are between Patrick McNee,

Noel Gordon, and Tiddles the Wondercastle.

Tiddles the... No, it's Patrick McNee for his performance in The New Avengers.

Hello?

Brown owl here.

No, not brown ale. Brown owl.

Is that the black fox?

Is that you, BF?

Yes, well, this is...

B .O.

And of course I know Moscow, where the Kremlin live.

Union of Soviet and Sociable Republics.

And I've met Ivan Katastrof, yes. Met him at the Peking Hilton.

Yes,

he's ginger, isn't he?

With blonde hair.

What, a dagger?

Oh, he poisoned her.

Only when you said he gave her arsenic, I thought, yes, well, I'm sorry.

I'd better get over there right away. There ain't case to talk.

Three gallstones and an ingrown toenail.

Three varicose veins and a gumboil.

A pair of needles and a pair of hernias. Just a minute, Purdy. Just a moment.

Four enemas takes the pot.

It's a royal flush, you know.

What have I got?

You've got multiple fractures, dear. I want a second opinion.

I'll say it again, then. You've got multiple fractures.

Good Lord, this girl's got a dressing table -shaped kidney.

You what?

What's that?

Carrying a copy of the palaces and wearing a very low -cut blouse?

This might be worth looking into.

Have you read Shakespeare's As You Like It?

No, but I've read Flannel where I need it.

You can kiss a young girl if you are witty and slick.

You can kiss a duck's tail, but you have to be quick.

Only a fool goes to Istanbul.

It is decadent, wicked, and sinful.

But it's better than here, because they sell their beer like bananas at

Fortnum's Skinful.

The sun may kiss the mountain pass.

The morning dew may kiss the grass.

The ruby lips may kiss the glass.

But you, my friend, may kiss my ass. Are you a professional?

No, I just sing to kill time.

You have a wonderful weapon.

Somebody's been talking about it.

So, you're one of us. Did you think I was one of them?

No, I thought you were one of those.

Thank you very much.

Yes, the complete NATO disarmament plan.

The Russian disarmament plan.

Aren't you afraid of prowls?

Praise Pahundo the Prowl!

I say, you said that without moving your lips.

It's pouring with rain.

Male Personality of the Year is

Magnus Magnusson for his show Mastermind.

Simply buttocks.

Buttocks.

It's neither one thing nor the other.

You are married and you have 15 children and your hobby is?

Flying my kite.

And you've chosen as your subject the arts, is that right?

Yes. Don't get cocky, it's not a question.

Write quotations. There are those who long for immortality who don't know what

to do on a wet Sunday afternoon.

If God had meant us to fly, he would have given us tickets.

Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.

Who made those brilliant remarks?

I don't know. I did.

You weren't listening, were you? You should have known it was me when I said

they were brilliant.

Victor Herbert, for his song, The Dream of Thalmoy, was paid $2 ,000.

What did he say when he put his hand in his pocket and realized it had gone?

I don't feel very well.

No, he said, I don't feel too grand.

The next question is geographical. Is it possible for you to walk from Istanbul

to Bangkok?

No. Why not?

I've got a short foot.

The answer is yes. You can make the entire journey without once passing

Not with my kidney.

The next question is in two parts.

What happened in 1756?

Mozart was born.

And in 1776?

Mozart was 20 years old.

No, he heard his first symphony played in public.

Halfway through, he burst into tears. How did he view the world afterward?

Optimistically. No, misty -optically.

Don't get clever with me.

How would you like your head? One lump or two?

A man has five children.

Half of them are boys. Is that possible?

No. Yes, the other half are also boys.

This aboriginal painting from down under, can you name it?

My bodge, light bulb.

No, powwow's lady looking for the soap.

Where does the expression, Le composition de cela est pure, tellement

from? Victor Hugo's Less Miserable. No, the label of this jar of French mustard.

It is a slang word, geographical location, and name of a book. It is the

Khyber... Pass.

What a pity.

but you have the lowest score ever recorded on Mastermind.

You may have a mind, but you haven't mastered it. Good night.

Here to announce the Critics' Award is Demis Rousseau.

Lovely to look at, delightful to have, and heaven to give.

And now, the Critics' Award goes to I, Claudia.

Thank you very much, Demis.

swine if he don't hurry up. Where are you?

I'm on the throne room.

I'm having a shave.

And a shampoo.

And a sharpie long.

Wish I had a red hot poker.

I'd stick the cold end in his ear.

Or he wouldn't half burn his hand trying to get it out.

Are you sure we're doing the right thing, Qantas?

Mother, he's not fit to rule Rome and he won't abdicate.

Poison's the only way.

Oh, that's better.

Hail, Claudius.

How went the invasion of Britain?

They're like savages.

They all live in them.

Animal skin is worse than thine, dear.

Hail, Qantas.

And not only that, they had helmets on their heads with great big horns

out the side. And when we seen them, we didn't know whether to fight them or

milk them.

We found out eventually.

I brought back a lovely little boy for my dog.

Our Warren Texas brought back plenty of Christians to throw to the lions in the

arena. Oh, don't say that.

He don't like it.

He went last week, didn't you, dear?

Yes, I did, madam. I'm sorry. I did, madam. I thought it was cruel. I cried

while there was a great big lion there and he didn't have a Christian.

I do wish you would stand there.

sets me off.

You'd like to find her waiting for you in your bedchamber, wouldn't you? Come

on.

No, no, I wouldn't, because the apothecary said I wasn't to make love to

except my wife. He said I wasn't to get excited.

It's hard enough keeping up with her.

I mean, she keeps on saying that I'm being unfaithful to her just because

of our kids look like me.

Honestly.

Thank you. Well, round the mouth and round the gums. Look out, stomach.

Sorry, Martha. I'll have that one. Thank you.

A bite to eat, dear Richard.

Well, I don't know. Did you, um... Then

I will, yeah.

I'll have a pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee

pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee

pee pee pee

responsible. There must be some other way.

Son, have you ever thought it so hard?

I wouldn't like to commit suicide, Mother. I don't think I'd like that.

How do you know you wouldn't like it if you haven't tried it?

Alice and Claudia, Mummy and I don't feel you're equipped to rule Rome.

Caesar! The slave is here for sentence!

You think I'm a quip, don't you, Mother?

And you'll find out.

Slave, before you die, you can make one last statement.

If you speak the truth, you will be hanged. And if you tell a lie, you will

thrown to the crocodiles.

Aye, I'm going to be thrown to the crocodiles.

Commit suicide.

Eat this.

Drink this.

You do it your way, and I'll do it mine.

Mine. Mine.

Well,

ladies and gentlemen, that, I'm afraid, is it. With the party here going along

till the early hours of the morning, and everybody enjoying themselves,

including, of course, our lovely page three girls, from us all...

I bid you all a very good night. Bye -bye.

All right, everybody.

If your friend should ask you how much you paid for the tin of chimpy dog food,

you tell her to pee off.

You tell her to pee off.

Are you sure she's a National Theatre player?

Mujer, si puedes tú con Dios hablar, pregúntale si

alguna vez te voy a adorar, te voy a adorar.

Mi amor,

deseo que mi corazón las debes que me habéis

dolorado, las heridas de tu amor.

Yo buscando donde quiera que yo voy Y no te puedo hallar

¿Para qué quiero otros besos Si tus labios no me quieren ya

besar?

I know my love was not for you

Thank you.

Hey, what are you doing?

You don't know my brother.

You know, you know, you know where you are?

You're not mad.

You are imbecile.

Imbecile.

Imbecile. I -M -B -E -I -L.

No S.

He's right, no S.

There is no why.

I'm sorry, sir.

I lied.

This one's called Pets.

I call my little pussy Ben.

He's got soft and fluffy fur.

But last week he had kittens.

I now call him Ben Hur.

I said, no more nights out on the tiles because you're a mother now.

You've got to catch food for your babies.

And she just said, me?

How?

I got a little goldfish and his name is Pete.

To keep him fit and well, I give him ant's eggs to eat.

But I put too much fluoride in his water.

And last week when my gran went to give him his ant's eggs, he bit off her hand.

I got a lovely badger. I call it pretty petal.

I got a water otter too.

I call that a kettle.

My emu is a sad old bird.

Can't sing or dance or say a word.

Puts his head in the sand when I sing a tune.

And he whistles through the whole of the afternoon.

I've got a little dog. His name is George.

He's a Dachshund, but he's not a dunce.

He's half a dog high and two dogs long.

So all the kids can pat him at once.

But my heart gets so sad when the weather is bad, especially when the snow

along. And I really could weep when it's four inches deep, because his legs are

three inches long.

It's no wonder he's a cold. It's no wonder he's a cough.

It's a wonder his little paws ain't dropped off.

When the snow started to harden, I played with him in the garden. Then I

because we had fruit and cream for tea.

Next morning I got up and went to see my pup, and I found the poor thing frozen

to a tree.

It's never quite the same after that.

But the man who lives next door to me is the envy of our streets.

He got the nicest pet of all, all cuddly and sweet.

She doesn't bite, she doesn't scratch, and anyone can see why he's the envy of

the neighbourhood.

It's because his pet isn't me!

Oh, good evening.

Good evening.

It's my first time here.

Oh, don't worry.

You just read off the roller board. Oh, could you... Oh, I see. See? Yes, all

right.

Can I just take your glasses off for a moment, please? Be careful, because I'm

lost without them.

Oh,

thank God they're all right.

So over now to our new political correspondent, Peter Seymour.

Oh, hell.

nationalised the fishing industry, today caught its first herring.

Today caught its first hearing.

Sneaking for the government, speaking for the government, Mr Anthony Whichway

-Benn said what Britain needs is more efficient chips.

More efficient chips!

And I think I am bare -ass.

think I embarrassed Michael Foote when I said in a recent titipolar

-tickle.

Titipolar -tickle? Party political!

To broadcast that this would result in crows pickling on the decks.

Crews picketing at the dock.

He went on to say that he had lived for many years in hell. In hell!

And had a personal fiend.

who was a defective constable, who had assured him that the local police force,

washable soap, was able to cope

in spite of the difficulties of getting stuff. Stuff!

In reply for the opposition, the right horrible Edward Teeth said, it doesn't

matter whether your lavatory, whether your laboratory,

whether you're Labour or Tory.

Nobody wanted to sing, to sing, to sign away his bath night, his birthright, his

birthright.

Mr. Thiel said half the world doesn't know how the other half lives.

Doesn't know how the other half lives.

And that in a jug of saliva.

Where the British government indecently had agents.

Incidentally had agents.

And nationalisation hadn't paid its way for a number of years. He thought about

sex. Sick!

And the same applied to egg white.

Egg wiped?

Egypt!

Mr. Fool said, Mr.

Heath still had a long way to go.

Still had a long way to go.

And Mrs. Thatcher was feeling all our voices, voicing all our feelings, when

said, you've already gone and...

You've

already gone far.

saying, gold nugget, and refunding you to the stewed eels at Tom's Tiddler

Vision. I'm sorry, Mr. Fulton.

Here's that fabulous, awesome reflection.

Your love keeps lifting me, keeps on lifting me, lifting me higher and

Your love keeps lifting me, keeps on lifting me, lifting me higher and

Your love keeps lifting me, keeps on lifting me, lifting me higher.

1984, and Steve Austin, the $6 million man, and Jamie Summers,

bionic woman, come together for the very first time.

Sure you never played around with other guys.

Why, yes, Steve.

Well, how is it you don't have red hair and I don't have red hair, but the kid's

got bright red hair.

Well, I think it's on account of our metal parts.

Our metal parts?

That's right.

You know, he's four years old, you know. It's time he learned to talk.

Hey, he does love his chicken soup, though. Hey, let me give it to him, will

you? Hi there, little fella.

Gonna have some of Papa's cheeky soupy -soupy. There you go, boy.

Wow.

Sheep dip.

Soup. He can talk.

Hey, Steve, he can talk.

He can talk. He can talk.

Big deal.

Why did you wait till now to talk? Why didn't you talk before?

Because up to now, the chicken soup's been okay.

Amazing. Golly.

Hey, kid, can you read as well?

Sure, man.

Einstein's Theory of Relativity.

Yeah, I read it. When did you read it? Just then.

I'll tell you something else.

You speak languages?

Sure. French.

Come here.

Well, how do you say, go over there?

I just go over there and I say,

Jamie, you know what we've got?

We have got a bionic baby.

Bionic baby?

Why should the Americano have him?

I did.

I did.

I'll be with you in a very soon moment.

I've been... Peter, what was that you were saying before you spoke?

He's going to get a baby.

We're going to have a baby?

Between you and me, it's going to be very difficult.

Between you and me, it's going to be bloody impossible.

Bionic boy.

A bionic boy.

How are we going to capture him?

Well, now, I've got to do some deep thinking.

I've got to sit and constipate.

I know.

We are going to have him liberated by the mafia.

We have all passed a lot of water under the bridge.

Don't be too contraceptive.

Maybe we should lure him.

Now, what would we use to lure?

Somebody with the body of a little boy and the mind of a middle -aged man.

Hey,

kid, want to come to a party, lots of ice cream?

Lena's never only going to be there.

We're going to get drunk on wine. We're going to have a whale of a time. What do

you think, kid? What do you think?

Absolutely.

would he go? Where would a supersonic, bionic, electronic, transistorized and

computerized boy feel at home?

I don't know.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you.

And I know what you're all thinking.

I mean, you see me running around like that all over the place and you say to

yourself, how did he do it?

He must be nearly 40.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I couldn't do it without the aid of these wonderful

people behind me. They're very kind and they help me. There's no envy, there's

no jealousy in the show. We get along like one very happy family and it's

nice. I'd like to thank them very sincerely for their kindness.

Thank you very much.

Thank you all.