All language subtitles for Benny Hill - s03e07

Yes, it's the Benny Hill Show.

Here's to that joke, Benny Hill.

She goes to 20, she needs her toes as
well, and that's why.

For the time she's taken off her gloves
and tights, she doesn't feel like a

fight. And if she does it in front of
me, then more don't I.

I went into Sydney Star, nipped up just
two behind the bar.

Said the drinks were on me, and I've 12
finds to the bench.

And would you care to join me too?

She said, I'll have a napful too.

I said, don't be greedy, you'll get a
pint, same as the rest.

She said, you're so drunk you can't see
straight. I said, I'll tell you

something, mate. I can see the cat
coming in through the door. Is that a

clout? Because he's only got one eye,
and in that he's got a thigh.

She said, the cat ain't coming in, it's
going out.

On came the cabaret, and I swear that to
this day, I've never seen an act that

was quite so rude.

On came a girl quite bare and she had
lovely curly hair.

She was in the news.

She had pigeons on her toes, a bird of
paradise up her nose.

She had a god or two and was bright
green.

On her navel put a dove and a few inches
above were the biggest parakeets I've

ever seen.

Oh, there are so many girls in this
great deep world and oh, so little time.

I was three and twenty -three, oh, I
would like it fine.

But I'm married to a bag with a face
like a hag and oh, it's purgatory.

Time's running out for me.

Oh, there are so many girls in this
great deep world and oh, so little time.

If I was three and twenty -three, oh, I
would like it fine.

But I'm married to a bag with a face
like a hag and oh, it's purgatory.

Time's running out for me.

Thank you.

head to later tonight, I see that at
nine o 'clock, Will and Sonny are once

again moving on.

Hey, Sonny, look what I found!

My God!

Don't get it out so quick!

Say, Sonny, you hurt bad?

You ever hear of anybody hurt good?

How did it happen, man?

Remember back in 69 when I went through
Houston?

Yeah? Remember that Lois gal?

The one with the big spray?

That's the one.

Well, I never told you this. Only one
night she asked me to see her home and

said she was afraid of prowlers. So I
done that.

Get up to her front door and she said
she was afraid of the dark. Would I go

and switch on the lights? So I done that
for her.

Then she said she'd hurt her hand and
would I mind helping her take off her

clothes? So I done that for her.

Then she sat down next to me in the dive
and...

She sort of leans across me and switches
off the light.

What did you do, man?

Well, I can take a hint.

I'll come on home.

You see, just now I was working away,
and I had in my hand one of them little

sharp -pointed little oil things.

Nipples. It's true.

You see, I get to thinking about Lois,
and it suddenly dawned on me what that

gal really wanted me to do.

You know what I did?

Put my hand up to my forehead like that,
I went, whoa!

You know what?

I've done it again.

Act 1040, our big Cinemascope feature
film.

Goats milk, which they eat with a simple
wooden spoon.

What a backward, childlike people they
are.

I'm home, honey.

Oh, shit. Guess what?

That doctor insisted on giving me a
complete examination.

I had to take all of my clothes off. Can
you imagine that?

Do you mind? I'm eating.

That doctor told me I have the most
perfect body he's ever seen.

Didn't he say anything about that big,
fat, ugly bum of yours?

No, he never even mentioned your name.

And look at the way you dress me.

If any of your friends came round here,
they'd think I was the cook.

Not if they came to dinner.

It's our anniversary.

Oh, it's our anniversary.

Big deal.

You remember our wedding night?

Gosh, you were so eager, you didn't even
give me time to take my stockings off.

Tonight you'll have time to knit
yourself a pair.

You stonk!

Nick and Honey.

Congratulations, dear.

Oh, for me?

Yes. Oh, how kind.

Arthur have been married for 14 years.

Honey, I don't remember breaking two
mirrors.

My 14 years married to that great big he
-man.

He -man?

Honey, that fellow of mine got a hernia
trying to inhale a filter cigarette.

Well, I never did.

Honey, you must have done it.

The girls at college adore him.

Doesn't it ever worry you?

chasing after girls?

Honey, I've got a dog that chases after
cars.

But if he caught one, he couldn't drive
the damn thing!

Why don't you lace up your mouth and
rant out your head as a football?

Men like me don't grow on trees, you
know.

No, they swing from them!

Well,

we just stepped by to wish you well.

It's been lovely. It really has.

You'll have to forgive her. She's going
through a funny time.

You do understand, don't you?

Did you see the way that man looked at
me?

What would you do if you came home and
found a man in bed with me?

I'd hit him over the head with his white
stick.

She's beautiful and she uses ponds.

I use ponds.

So does a duck.

There. You think I'm lovely, don't you,
Polly? Polly, say you're lovely. Say

you're lovely.

You're lovely.

You're lovely.

You turn me on, you sexy thing.

You turn me on, you sexy thing. Come
along, my dear.

It's time for your bed.

It's seven o 'clock. This is your life.
It's your old friends Jack and Ginger

Nutt. Hello, Ted.

You haven't changed a bit.

Hello, Ted.

You haven't changed a bit.

Now,

Ted, before you were married in 1950,
you were in hairdressing, and

here's a picture of you coming up on the
monitor now.

Do you recognize this voice?

What shall I take down now, Mr.
Proudfoot?

Yes, your secretary till you got
married, still single, Miss Susie

Sale of the half century follows at 7
.30.

The quiz of the week.

Yes,

the sale of the half century.

And on offer tonight, this lovely pair
of accessories.

Accumulated imitation pearl brooches in
the shops at 82 pounds and on offer for

just 8 pounds.

A 1 ,000 pound Riviera holiday for two
on offer for just 10 pounds.

Now let's meet the man with the
question.

Nicholas Partle.

Thank you and welcome indeed to Sale of
the Half Century.

So right away, let's meet our first
contestant. She is a lady, so she tells

And she is an authoress. She's just
written a book called How to Make Your

Marriage Work.

And she's now writing the sequel, How to
Make Your Husband Work.

She is Teresa Tingle.

What a delightful creature she is, to be
sure.

Our lone male guest this evening.

comes from Belfast, and he is married,
he has 17 children, and his hobby is

-ringing. And he is Mr. Jack Reinemann.

And, ladies and gentlemen, last, but by
no means least, a delightful young lady

with the delightful name of Melanie.

It's a very odd name, isn't it?

Absolutely. Describe them to a...
Describe her...

They are melons. She is a melon. She's a
Bristol girl.

Which means that twice a week, she
strips for Jim.

Lucky Jim, how I envy him.

Although, in actual fact, I believe you
don't have a boyfriend, do you, my dear?

If you won the holiday for two, another
man would have to sort of come along

with you, wouldn't I? Wouldn't he?

I see. Well, she is actually by
profession a cookery expert. Now, the

question is, what is the principal
ingredient of vol -au -vent?

Pastry. Oh, well done, Melanie.

Not too well done, though.

Thanks for you getting that one right.
Well done. Now, the next one, what is a

Welsh rarebit?

Cheese on toast.

Oh, right again, fancy.

Although, of course, I have heard of a
Welsh rarebit referred to as a virgin

from Cardiff. But, um... We won't dwell
on that, will we?

Why do you keep asking cookery
questions?

Give us a chance to.

Oh, sorry.

What is a wooden wedding?

Ten years.

Two Poles getting married.

What a pity, what a pity.

Well, now then, let's see what we have
on our instant sale, shall we?

This easily assembled kitchen table unit
comes with all parts interlocked.

Hardly line wood and ready for painting
in whatever your favourite colour

happens to be.

Value £37.

No offers for that?

You do surprise me.

The questions now go to £3. What is the
name of this tune that Peter Fenchurch

is playing?

No, it's not the cobbler's job.

After the ball?

You're sort of half right.

Not quite, no.

I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts.

Are you boasting again?

No, it is, of course, Colonel Bogey.

Well, now then, let's have a look and
see what we have on offer in the open

sale. This radiogram with a supply of
hit records.

including Victor Sylvester at Nashville,
Houghton's motor work band at Ronnie

Scott, and Mrs Mills plays Mendelssohn
and loses.

Your satsang at one pound.

This garbage disposal unit, guaranteed
for one year or double your garbage

five pounds.

These are just a few of the items on the
open sale tonight.

And no offers.

Well, I've never. Well, the questions
now go up to five pounds.

Here we are. If you don't leave my wife
alone, I shall...

He didn't sign his

name, so I... What is the difference
between a vitamin and a hormone?

No? No, I thought you'd have got that
one.

You can't make a vitamin.

And flies?

Yes, Melanie?

Ah, I thought you'd have got that one.
Two legs and flies.

A wheelbarrow full of manure.

I thought you'd have got that one. Never
mind. What is the difference between a

pint of beer and a pea?

They all guessed at the same time. You
all know the answer. 20 minutes.

Well, now then, to be fair to you all,
I'm going to give you all... one simple

question and you answer them separately.
We must be fair, scrupulously fair.

And this is a name. It begins W -E -M,
Melanie, and it ends L -E -Y. There was

one letter missing and the cup final was
held there last year. No coaching from

the audience, please.

Wembley? Well... Well done.

Oh, isn't that nice? I'm so glad.

And now a nice easy one for you,
Theresa.

Could you tell me, please, how many
people attended the cup final there last

year?

About 90 ,000.

90 ,002.

Five pounds away.

And for five pounds, Jackie, can you
tell me their names and addresses?

I couldn't.

And that's the correct answer to your
question.

Could you tell me what is the difference
between and

Oh, well done, Melanie.

Oh,

you'll soon be having that lovely
holiday for two, won't we? Won't you?

Well, it seems that Melanie is in the
lead now and it seems that There's just

one more question to go, and if Melanie,
if nobody else gets this question

right, then Melanie, you are going to
have a lovely holiday for two. Well,

is the final question, then. What is the
Bessarabian equivalent of the patwa or

slang word Yasef el -Achim?

Zabragalubru.

I'm sorry.

Zabragalubro.

So, lovely Melanie, will you join me now
for the sale of the... I beg your

pardon?

There's a discre... Apparently... Well,
would you look it up in the Encyclopedia

Britannica?

And see what I wrote?

You did, and it is right, I see.

Well then, Jack Reinemann, will you now
join me for the... Come on! Will you

join me for the sale of the half
-century? Come on!

Here, as you can see, Jackie, we have
the don't get in the way.

We have this two -piece toiletry set
with, of course, as you can see, the

-plated seat.

What a way to go.

Over here. Come on.

Over here.

Is that you?

Not while the train is standing at a
station.

We have this lovely clock which goes for
eight days without winding.

And along will it go if you wind it.

Ha, bloody ha.

Come on, come on, come on.

Now let's see what else we've got that
you can't afford. Even I can't afford

that.

We have this very nice leather chair.
Would you like to try it?

Tell me, how does it feel?

Charming, who's your friend?

And what else have we got? Yes, we've
got this very charming 27 -piece.

57 -piece.

Which also you can't afford. I'm afraid
you only have £20. And what do we have?

We only have one thing that you can
afford.

And it's this very handy spare room
toiletry set. There is the basin.

You can hand that along. And there is
the jug.

Angela will hold it for you.

And, of course, it wouldn't be complete
without that, would it? Would you like

to have a look inside?

All lovely and shiny.

Would you, um... Would you like to try
it for size?

Go on.

You see?

A perfect fit for bloody convulsions. Go
on.

And here are Linda and Angela to
congratulate you. Good night, all. Get

there.

Good night. Good night. Good night.

Good night. Good night. Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

To our chumps in Great Britain.

To the kleine Babikins. And to the
Mutters. And the Fathers.

To the Großmutters and the Großvaters.

And when I say the Großvater, I don't
mean a Großvater so, so.

I mean the father of the father.

Here at the Herbert Strasser University.

Situated as it is in the backside of
Hamburg, we are discussing the British

of life, the British people, and getting
to know you.

Are you all comfortable?

Then I will begin.

The British man is very fond of ladies
with two lovely hemispheres.

The lovely ladies of the two
hemispheres.

But you wouldn't know it because he's so
shy and retiring.

I give you a for instance, a young man
is walking along the quayside at cows in

the isle of Widget where are sailing the
yachts.

What is he lying on the beach? A young
girl of some 17 summers and 48 winters.

With a churna figure.

With a kleine titsum, the grossen
titsum.

And she is almost wearing a itsy -bitsy
teeny -weeny bikini.

She is practically knackered.

And what does he do? He says, good
morning, and he goes on his way.

His heart is thumping so much that his
kidneys are saying, stop dancing up

there!

A red corpuscle turns to a white
corpuscle and says, what's everybody

around for?

He says, good morning, and he goes on
his way because he does not want to

cockroach upon her privacy.

You are not listening!

Cockroach upon her privacy?

Hencroach upon her privacy?

You must use a feminine hen.

Do not use the masculine cock.

But you are assuming that I am speaking
correctly.

You must never...

this tormenting moment in time, the
typical British man is probably sitting

the privy of his own home, watching this
television show.

But he is very hospitable, and if you
are alone in London, he will take you

to see the sights, see the horse -cart
parade, the solar magical gardens in

Reesons Park, Cleopatra's noodle, take
you to law courts.

The true and honest justice is dispensed
with.

Then he will take you to a nightclub,
restaurant, champagne, supper, back to

apartment. Won't charge you anything.
You can stay the night there. I know

is true.

It happened to my sister.

You see? But if you drive into the West
End of London by yourself, be very

careful. If you park your car, they will
give you a ticket.

They should give you a bloody medal.

If you have a three -quart meal after
the meal, you will want an after -dinner

mint. You will need an after -dinner
mint to pay for the bill.

If the waiter comes along at your table,
tell him, piss off cake.

Because the British have not yet
conquered inflation.

We, of course, have conquered inflation,
just as we conquered Poland.

And Czechoslovakia.

I

got

carried away a little bit.

Be nice being with you. Thank you,
Horan, and good night.

Thank you so much.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, here is
that talented Eddie Buchanan with the

adorable Love Machine.

Now,

I may be a fool, but at least I'm a man.

And lest I'd have crazy, I came up with
this plan.

Well, my dreams are sad, it's a problem,
that's a turtle. I took a little ant

and I put it in the journal.

Opportunities for the girls who live in
dreams.

And when the girls come by for their
audition, I'm going to say, girls, well,

this will be your mission. Yours could
be the thoughts in all my schemes.

here's a little job that you can't sleep
on and you won't be fired clothes were

made to wear and keep on up until we're
tired and honey you've been hired

Just like on the shower.

We're looking at palmistry and
phrenology. And let's meet our expert,

Grimley.

Emily,

do you really feel that palmistry and
phrenology can help us find out about

ourselves and others? Oh, yes, I do,
particularly where romance is concerned.

To all girls, I say, see his palm before
you make a date.

I always say that.

I don't know why, but I do.

you wed.

Because I do feel that every man before
getting married should have his head

examined.

Really, I do feel that. I'm sorry. I do
feel that.

When did you first become interested in
clairvoyance? Well, when I met my first

husband. He was an awfully strange man,
you know. He only had one eye.

He had a glass eye and a crystal ball.

Heads. All the extremities.

Tell us about some of your more
remarkable predictions.

Well, there was one lady came to me. 37
years of age she was. And don't fight

her. 37.

37 years of age she was. And she wasn't
even married. I said, don't worry. I

said, one day you will have children. I
said, you will have children.

And did she? Within a fortnight, yes.

She had twins. A boy and a girl.

Anything else? No.

something else, but it flew away, you
know.

Just joshing, of course.

Don't do that, Uncle.

I meant, um... Oh, yes, well, there was
one man came to me, awfully robust he

was, you know, and he was absolutely
obsessed with death. I said, don't

said, you'll live to be 80.

He said, I am 80. I said, what did I
tell you?

You've got someone, not out of the
audience, but straight out of the

there's no point in your having met at
all. And we're going to ask you to sit

there and tell us about our volunteer
simply by reading their hand. Well,

you put your hand through, please?

Oh, thank you.

Made a friend for life, then.

Well, it's a very short hand. I mean, it
could be a typist.

I'm learning so much more now, yes.

Could I just ask one question?

Yes. How old is this lady?

It's a gentleman.

Oh, is it? We can't be right all the
time. I find the barrier. Could I try

blindfold? Thank you so much.

Thank you. I feel it'll be easier like
that, you see.

Oh, yes,

that's much better.

Oh, yes, a lot's coming through to me
now. Yes, you fruity old...

That's naughty. You're having me on,
aren't you?

I've had this trick played on me before.
This is a melon, isn't it? I can tell.

I can tell a melon, you know. I can
tell. No, I assure you. No, no, no.

Well, I see. Yes, yes, they've got this
furry. Yes, it could have been a

coconut. But I would say that this
gentleman is about 42 years of age, fans

are about six foot tall, and he's led a
life of drink and debauchery.

Let's see.

42 years old.

But you will be one day.

I mean, you were once, weren't you? Yes,
that's what I mean. And I'm not six

foot tall. No, but you would be if you
had your oats more regular. If you ate

your porridge up, you'd go up in a
storm, you see, wouldn't you? And I

led a life of dink and debauchery.

You mean you haven't even enjoyed
getting to look like that?

What a pity.

I think you're a fraud.

You couldn't read the bumps in my hair.
Why not?

Because I haven't got any.

Well, you bloody rat, now!

Oh, God, help me.

Help me, oh, God. Well, Miss Abigail,
oh, God, what's happened?

Oh, Sheriff, it was horrible.

It was them command troop.

There were eight of them. Eight of them?
Oh, God, it was awful. Oh, my God.

Horrible. Miss Abigail.

at an alarming rate.

I mean, take, for example, this female
crocodile here.

In her natural inhabitant, in her
natural environment, she lays 1 ,000

every year. And the male crocodile, you
see, he comes along and he eats up 999

of those eggs. Because if he didn't,
we'd be up to our bloody necks in

crocodiles.

But, you see, the thing is, trust,
trust. Look at that. Trust, trust. All

you've closed now, dear. You see?

how to handle them, but a lot of people
don't, you know. You see bad crocodile

handlers every day in canteens saying,
three cups of tea, please.

Two with sugar, and one without.

And you, and you.

You see, and take this poor old, this
poor old Arabian tortoise here. I mean,

found him abandoned in a junkyard. He
was exhausted.

I mean, for six hours he'd be trying to
make love to a German soldier's helmet.

And he was very, very cut up about that.

He doesn't even look Jewish.

Here, eat.

Eat and enjoy.

There, there, you see.

Poor old thing hadn't got any teeth.

Mind you, he could give you a nasty
suck.

No, you have to be careful of these wild
animals. Take your rhinoceros. Take

your long -horned rhinoceros.

There he is in the garden minding his
own business. Suddenly an aeroplane

overhead. Up goes his head. No harm
done.

Unless you happen to be playing leapfrog
with him at the time.

Then bang goes your no claims bonus,
doesn't it?

But my favourite of all is the big
docile elephant. There we are. Come

Oh, he's a good boy.

Oh, look at that. Isn't that sweet?

Did you know, by the way, that
elephants... In the jungle, when they

they will walk for thousands and
thousands of miles across deserts, over

They go through the forest and over the
mountains just to die in the elephant's

graveyard. And scientists have only just
discovered why this is.

It's the walk that kills them.

Take, for example, snakes. You see, you
have to be very careful. There we are.

No, no, no. Quite tame, quite tame. Down
you go. Down, down, down. There you

are, you see.

A snake will not bite you unless he is
attacked, you see.

But, of course, if you have a snake
lying around on an armchair and you

to sit on it, well, then it will bite
whatever it thinks is attacking it.

And someone will have to suck the poison
out.

Preferably a friend.

Well, if he's not a friend at the
beginning, he will be by the end.

And, of course, you know, some animals
can be domesticated. For example, my

mother -in -law, she has trained her
forest -bred lion to do his little bits

business on the newspaper while I'm
reading it.

Mind you, of course, I do like... I do
like these little exotic creatures.

But, of course... Myself, personally.

Myself.

Personally, I prefer,

I much, I much, I much prefer the
domesticated animals. In fact, my best

is my dog.

Some people say my only friend is my
dog.

They say I've milked so many cows that I
shake hands one finger at a time.

That when I die, I would like my skin to
be used as the saddle for a lady show

jumper. So that I will always be between
the two things I love best.

A good piece of horse flesh and a
beautiful woman.

But of course, of all the wild animals,
I think my favourite is

the elephant. There he goes.

Well, you know what they always say?
They always say that an elephant never

forgets. But of course, what has an
elephant got to remember?

He only has to remember a little
kindness. An elephant will always

little kindness and he will repay you in
the only way he knows how.

Start the breeze machine.

Zoom into Lindsay DePaul now.

Start

the

breeze machine now.

Very gently.

Gently.

Eyes that glow like cigarettes with
ashtrays underneath.

When she finds her fingernails, her
mother hides her teeth.

Told me she was just 18 on the
telephone.

I thought that she meant 18 years, but
she meant 18 stone.

She's lazy, she's lethargic, and working
she resents. She's slower than a

nudist, trying to climb a barbed wire
fence.

But she couldn't go till one evening,
when she went out with her boss.

Before she could say, I'm not that kind
of a girl she was.

I bet it was all broken and the spring
was sticking out. But when I recall our

nights together, my heart, it wants to
sing.

We kissed all through the winter and
made love right through the spring.

Like when you and me, that you're the
one, the

only one for me.

Last week I caught you with the butcher.
You would be singing, cuddling and

such.

How could you kiss the butcher when we
owe the milkman so much?

You promised you would be faithful, but
you cheated and you were untrue. But if

I had to do it all over again, I'd do it
all over you.

Drop the confetti now.

Drop the confetti now. Drop.

You can talk with her. Go back down to
the front of your chair.

Go back down now.

Never know, never know, never know,
never know.

I don't know why a horse standing in a
field all day

should be so hard to sit upon when he's
so full of hay.

I don't know how a road can look so...
and hold it

petrified when it's standing in manure.

He's easy. He's easy.

He'll never know. He'll never know.
He'll never know. He'll never know.

never know.

He'll never know.

I'll never know. I'll never know.

Is my wife such a beautiful thing?

Stand by with the smoke machine.

That's not funny!

Well done, everybody.

They've all gone home.

Thank you very much.

Thank you for joining us. And we look
forward to seeing you all again very

Until then, bye -bye. God bless. Look
after yourself.