Original subtitles

This is the Betty Hill Show with a host of international guest stars, Ginny

Flutoff and Mama McCooley.

Oh, listen to the story of a Greek romantic fool. I fell in love with

when I was at school.

But I knew our love could never be, she could not be mine.

For she was nearly 23, I was 39.

So I took him on a picnic.

Because his heart was full and there we saw a cow getting so friendly with a

bull. He said, oh, I would love to do what that bull's doing now.

I said, why don't you ask then? She looks a friendly cow.

And I will too.

And I will too.

And everything I have I'll share with you.

Roger Twitika.

Annie from Brighton once ordered a steak weighing nine and a quarter pounds.

The butcher, he said, will you take it, ma 'am, or shall I send it around?

She said, no, I just want to look at it, because I've been dieting like a chump,

and that's what I've lost, and I just want to see what it looks like in one

lump.

Agatha's passion was baked beans.

It's a meal that she always enjoys.

But she's heard if you eat too many, you might make an embarrassing noise.

Now she eats more than ever.

Enough to make all of you sick. And she washes it down with pineapple juice

because she likes Hawaiian music.

But I should be quietly singing with my guitar on my knee.

For no matter who calls or whatever before, no matter who worries me.

Sir, back to you.

Sir, back to you.

She said, oh, no, it's just the way me coat is buttoned up.

The last time that

I saw her, she had her baby in the pram. I thought I'd stop and chat, because

that's the kind of a fellow I am. I said, isn't your baby tiny?

She said, no, not with your cheek.

Of course, me baby's tiny, because I've only been married a week.

Colleen, my heart's waiting for you.

Colleen, Colleen, my heart's waiting for you.

And that is so very well.

Oh, God, wonderful.

Ladies and gentlemen, When I arrived in Luana, the very first person I met was a

ubangi, or plate -lipped lady, with the very big lip there. And I asked her the

way to the interior, and she replied, which means I cannot answer you because

you're standing on my lower lip.

But she was an intelligent girl, you know, not just a pretty face.

And she said to me, last week, big silver bird landed jungle.

Isn't that a lovely description of an airplane? Big silver bird, you know.

I said, what was it like? She said, a little bit like lobster. You can't eat

shell, but the meat's gorgeous.

Anyway, she had a son called One Dongo.

Or was it Two Dongos? No, it was One Dongo.

He was a big, heavy, you know, broad -shouldered. He was built like a brick

shipyard, he was.

Honestly, he was muscular, and he was gorgeous, in a virile sort of way, to

understand.

And he didn't speak a word of English, so I gave him a dictionary, and he ate

it. Actually, he swallowed the dictionary.

We gave him centipods and castor oil. We couldn't get a word out of him.

For a long time. I remember he used to run around the jungle at night saying,

who goes there, friend or enema?

He didn't know it that way, but he married one of these little pygmy girls

three feet tall.

I didn't like her very much. She was always sticking her nose in other

business.

She married him. I don't know who put her up to it, but she did.

I remember I said, how did you find this little pygmy girl in this tall jungle

grass? And he said, pretty damn good.

Out in the jungle there, they run around with nothing on their head at all. Out

in this terribly hot sun. But we, of course, have to wear these pith helmets.

lot of people have asked me why they are called pith helmets.

And they are called pith helmets because you have to wear them when you're

walking through the jungle because there are these very tall trees.

And at the top of the tall trees there are frequently monkeys.

And they are inclined to eat rather a lot of watermelons.

And you have to wear these pith helmets in order to stop these monkeys pitching

watermelons on top of you.

I just thought you might like to know. Well, ladies and gentlemen, I'm very

happy to say that I managed to bring back with me from the jungle a very,

beautiful native girl. I'd like to have you meet her. Mahula, Mahula, Mahula!

Oh, my God!

You know, the first time I met this kid, she came up to me, she said, kiss me,

Big Buana.

So I kissed her, Big Buana.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to get her to sing a little native song for

and so you'll understand it, I'll translate as we go along, all right?

In England, you hate burglars. You say they're mean and vicious. But we had

burglars here last night, and oh, they were delicious.

Please don't blame our doggie. It's not his fault at all. Someone left a wet

umbrella standing in the hall.

He danced up the lion's paw, the great big lion led him, then it licked his

in gratitude, and then it ate him.

Zula men are eight feet tall and they wear great big fig leaves. Pygmy men are

three feet tall and they wear little tea leaves.

She banged upon my bedroom door and began to scream and shout. She kicked up

such a rumpus that I had to let her out.

I'm speaking to you from this historic site where any minute now...

Any

minute now, Britain's first spacecraft is

about to take off for the moon.

And I'm hoping to have a word with the

man in charge, Mr. Scuttle. Good evening, sir.

Scotland, if you don't mind, sir, Space 8. It says so. What are you doing on my

launching pad?

You're not allowed on my launching pad without a launching voucher.

My car.

There's nothing on it, sir.

What do you want to put it on the back for?

Henry McGee.

Are you Egyptian?

Scientific correspondence.

Scientific, eh?

But I don't need a correspondence, sir. I'm not divorcing my wife. I've never

even thought about divorce.

Murder? I work for Thames Television.

You poor soul.

Could you tell us why you're doing this? I am doing this to prove that we are

not washed up. To show that Britain still leads the world in scientific end

hour and precision engineering.

The Russians and the Americans have been up on the moon with their rocket. The

Chinese don't need one.

They can stand on each other's shoulders.

We have to keep light -hearted, otherwise we'd crack up, you know.

We are going into the outer reaches of the solar plexus where the hand of man

has never set foot in that indestructible the second.

Well, what happened to indestructible the first? It fell apart.

Perhaps you could explain in more detail for the viewers. What fuel do you use?

Nutty slack.

And you keep that at the chamber?

No, sir, I keep it in a little cardboard box under the bed, sir.

Gee, it's not you, is it?

He's started frying up again. I told him about that. I said not till we're in

orbit. That's Kippers.

That's Willie Turvey. I told him about it. He's stopped to fry up till we're in

orbit. Can we see him?

You want?

Yes, all right. Hang on.

Here he is. There he is, sir.

Bagata, sir.

On the back, as you can see, we have the container.

That contains oxygen, I suppose. No, hot cocoa, sir.

It might be chilly up there. We don't know, you see, sir. What's that strange

-looking thing sticking out of his boot?

That is his leg, sir.

Oh, that's his Geiger counter, sir. You have to help him find uranium.

I think he can find that on his own. He always has them.

What made you choose him?

I chose him, sir, because he represents the youth of Great Britain.

How old is he? Fifty -eight.

He's a late developer.

He looks older.

He worries a lot, sir.

I say, he says... The thing

is, sir, you see, he can't air very well in there.

There's not much he can do to breathe in there.

Or will he be able to live in it? I should think so, sir.

Our goldfish lived in it for three weeks.

Till it died.

Hang on, would you like to have a look? A better look at him. There he is, sir,

you see.

No, he's all right. He's all right, sir.

Is he medically fit to undertake this arduous journey? He's as strong as an

And almost as intelligent, sir.

Oh, he has been personally inspected by Sister Anna from St. John Thomas'

Hospital.

Where she has a 90 % record of complete recovery.

And that's in the mortuary.

Look at his eyes, though. He's thinking about it. She can disturb the patients

without making the bed, she turns.

Oh, she gets him going, you know, sir. Does she examine him thoroughly? From

to bottom, sir. She looked down his throat, looked up his birth certificate.

The full MO treatment.

Grade one, you see, sir. Because, you see, sir, once we're up there in orbit,

we're out of the three -mile limit, you see.

And we don't come under the government's jurisprudence up there.

I mean, if while I'm up there, a dirty great big boil comes up on my astronaut

friend here, sir, the National Earth won't have nothing to do with it.

They'd put an embargo on it? They wouldn't put a bloody bread poultice on

But look, look at him, look.

He's mad keen to get into orbit, you see.

Here he goes. All right, all right. Did I hear that you're taking your wives

with you? No, sir, we do not feel the moon is any place for ladies, let alone

our wives. Come away, you'll get radium. You'll get biological radium. When are

we going to start?

What are you two girls doing in my rocket? You're not squatters, are you?

You could be... I could have you prostituted for trespassing in there.

Look, you said we were going to be space hostesses.

Oh, yes, I did, yes. Yes, I did, yes. Yes, space hostesses. Come on, in you

sir. It slipped my mind. I forgot about that. Here, you'll start his Geiger

counter going again.

Mickey, come on.

Look, sir, we have to go now, sir. You can see Mickey Mouse's hand is... Oh,

isn't it?

Yes.

We'd better go, sir. You won't forgive us, will you?

take you washing in.

Well, you remember the last time we had to fall out of store all over your

knickers.

There, well, well, I've done it.

Goodbye, all.

Sir, have you got a match?

A match?

Thank you very much, sir.

What do you think the atmosphere will be like up here? Very jovial, sir. We're

going to take a piano accordion with us.

Oh, there we go, sir.

for pheasant.

Calling P for whistle.

R for mo.

Calling I for novello.

Countdown starting now. Five, four, three, two, one, zero,

naught.

Nothing.

Sweet for what?

Not them Russians already trying to link everything.

You haven't taken off. There was no lift off.

I know that, sir. And you know that. But these two mad birds don't know that.

Farewell, world.

Oh, no ecstasy.

Well,

there's a girl who'd like to learn how to cook Chinese food at home.

Here are Farnese.

and Joanie Claddock.

Good evening, every bloody.

Where's Joanie?

Joanie, hang it on your toe, you stupid freaking idiot.

He's interspersed? As a newt.

What's this dish called? In English, it's called politician's pudding.

Why politician's pudding?

Because into it, we put pea stalks.

Pea stalks. That's a Chinese joke. Why there no crapping?

Why there no crapping out there?

Your mouth is too big already.

What a trick.

You see, this is...

She's very popular with my brothel.

Your brothel? I have a big brothel in Hong Kong.

And a riddle system.

Flogs her eggs.

Who flogs her eggs? No, who flogs her eggs? Flogs her eggs. Look, flogs her

eggs. Oh, flogs legs. Yes!

Horry muckalore.

Not necessary.

Flobbery. Not necessary.

Next we have egg.

This egg come from Kyushu bird. Kyushu bird, very unusual bird, only have one

mating season per year.

It lasts for 12 months.

Unfortunately, there is no female of the species.

Shushu bird is a very unhappy bird.

Now, we break the egg in a pot, so... Look,

made in Japan.

Get another one.

Oh, stupid.

He don't want to break a pot. Make a fist. Make a fist.

egg come from? Leany bird. Leany bird, very rare bird.

Leany bird only weigh half ounce. Smallest bird in whole world. Only weigh

ounce. Called teeny weeny leany bird. And every year it ray one egg.

When it ray this egg, it let out a strange cry.

And then these birds completely disappear.

Put an egg in a pot.

That's nice.

That's okay.

Boom, boom.

Right, next we have some kiddly.

Kidney, kidney.

I said kiddly, didn't I? Right.

Now, what is rarest meat in the whole world? Rarest meat in the whole world.

Armadillo?

Would you say armadillo?

Yes, you're a dillo.

We're a speaking whole world. Try, try, try, try, try.

Eat,

eat, eat, eat.

Couscous?

Is it couscous?

No couscous. Puss, puss.

You eat bread with this?

No, we no have a bread with that. No, no. Just saw your dumplings.

Just soy dumplings.

Are you bloody sex mechanic or something?

Super area?

Put it in the oven.

What's after the main dish?

Good body every evening.

You know what I think?

Tell us what you think, Johnny, we could do with two minutes, Cyrus.

I think for your hot dogs.

Your dessert.

Your sweet.

We have these original pastries. 34.

Okay, I put it four.

We usually have more varied confections.

Chocolate drops.

Pardon?

Chocolate drops.

Who's a clever boy, dear?

talk to you.

And we'd start with canapés.

What's a good a bratty can of peas?

You know how much peas in a high pong?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Canapé, it's French.

French? You can't speak a bratty English.

Look, you want a canapé? There, a canapé. Oh, I've got a canapé. Oh,

stupid.

Why are you messing with me, stupid idiot?

You eat up and tell me if that's not nice.

Eat up.

There's no garnish.

Celery. You don't sort of titivate it.

What?

Titivate. What's a titivate?

Sounds like a Jewish baby waiting for the breakfast.

He's a robbery, eh? Robbery.

He's a robbery, all right.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's a great pleasure in presenting

the exciting Brenda Arnault.

are afraid to stay the magic is gone

and I feel somehow some bad news is coming

my way I can feel

One day...

What you're really...

Oregon Express.

Starring Buddy Edson as Barnaby Jones.

Seems to me that death is simply nature's way of telling you to slow

Special guest star, Peter Falk as Columbo.

You happen to see a red oriental book written by old... The

name's on the tip of my...

Tip of my... Not the tip of my... No, the tip of my... Tongue?

Yeah. Tongue.

Nice -y tongue.

Pardon me, miss.

Well, if you didn't see it, how do you know who wrote it?

I wouldn't hold you.

For questioning?

Not necessarily.

Also starring David McKillam.

as the Invisible Man.

Where are you?

Extra special co -guest star, Raymond Burr as Ironsider.

I say,

Mark, do you have any lighter parts?

Oh, Chief, I'm the same color all over.

Now, hold on a minute.

You ain't supposed to be here.

Would you mind turning that brain thing off? I can't hear myself think with that

noise going on over there.

Okay, would you mind turning that noise off?

was just saying that there's no such thing as the perfect crime.

It is quite true.

Yeah, I'll go along with that.

Well, I remember one time in New York, we had a fellow rob a bank, didn't leave

no fingerprints, no nothing.

He got cleaned away with over half a million dollars in used notes.

On the way to the getaway car, he got mugged.

Well, we all make mistakes.

We sure do.

Well, I remember one time I followed a platinum blonde in a long black gown for

four blocks before I found out it was a high court judge.

The case comes up next Friday.

We in Paris, France, Europe, also have a lot of vice and cream.

Stealing, robbery, burglary, ship lofting, and pot picketing.

Not to mention man's laughter.

Man's laughter.

I said not to mention man's laughter.

Mr. Poirot, I must admit I find your conversation completely resistible.

But unfortunately, my stomach is beginning to ask if my throat is cut. So

you'll excuse me, I'll travel along to the dining car.

Oh, pardon me, Sergeant Pepperidge.

Oh, dear. Oh, God. Sorry about it. I haven't been so embarrassed since I was

with the president's daughter.

Examining her magnificent bearer bristles. Pistols.

The speaker ran across the White House alone.

Oh, they had to complete a special aside score for him. And the thing she said

about him. What aside?

I don't think she said that. I wouldn't say.

I really only wanted a bite, you know. Looks like I'm either going to starve to

death or...

Do I have ecstasy?

I'm sorry about this. I hope you won't hold it against me. That's exactly what

am doing.

The pressure was all mine.

Don't you believe it.

Remember my old sheriff?

He used to say, shoot first and ask questions afterwards.

Well, you didn't get many answers that way.

McCloud, do you realize that while you've been sitting there, joy...

A man has been viciously attacked.

He's been shot 14 times, stabbed 17 times.

Did he have any enemies?

Of course.

He had.

The driver wouldn't keep speeding up and slowing down all the time.

Well, McCloud, you're the only one on duty officially.

Now you just leave everything to me.

Don't pull that chain!

Don't

pull

that chain.

Oh, so heavy you've had.

Well, get on with it, McCloud.

Well, all right, I'm going.

you two fellas know anything about a murder?

Come on, sweetheart.

I'm on vacation, do you mind?

Hey, you don't even hear anything to do with it, do you?

Hey, meathead, tell him what's written on the barrel of your gun. It says, uh,

uh, fold by the other end.

Well, I tell you, who loves you, baby? You're beautiful.

MacLeod, why don't you check who went near the victim's compartment?

Well, I know who went up that way.

I'm going to shame them into confessing, like we did back in Little Creek. I'll

tell them I know everything.

That's what I'm going to tell them.

You want to see me, McCloud?

Cannon, I know everything.

You know everything?

Yes, Cannon, everything.

Well, McCloud, I mean, see it my way. I mean, you were away, and your wife was

lonely. I was lonely, and we were... sexually attracted to each other because

she's a very attractive woman.

Big. God, she's big.

I mean, I don't know. I have to, but you... I'm sorry about that.

I couldn't help it.

But don't that beat him?

You wanted to see me, Marshal?

Sergeant Pepper, I know everything.

Everything? Yes, Sergeant Pepper, I know everything.

Oh, sir.

Sir, I'm not really immoral. It's just that I can't say no to a man in uniform.

I mean, I'm not an insomniac. At least, I don't think I am. It's just that

smoking makes me feel sexy.

I mean, every time I have a cigarette, I just want to grab the nearest man and

tear all my clothes off. Now, don't you worry about things. It's all right, dear

Sergeant Pepper. You go to your compartment and sit down. I'll be along

-tap in a minute. In the meantime, I'd smoke that.

As it did.

But I sure as hell am going to.

You want to see me, MacLeod?

Barnaby Jones, I know everything.

Everything? You know everything?

Yes, old -timer, I know everything.

My son!

This

has

been a twin...

Martin, Martin, Horton, Lorton, and Fargo Productions.

You'd be able to put a little fire out all by yourself.

Couldn't have been much of a fire, could it? You ain't got hosepipe.

Did you?

Little fellow like you.

Where was the fire?

On the roof.

Adrian managed to reach up there then.

She held it for you.

While your brother was passing water in a bucket to you up the ladder, she

yelled it for you.

Well done, and you should be.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, as a tribute to Fibergate's everywhere, we

you the Fibergate songs.

I have got a bell.

I have got a bell.

I have got a bell. What shall I do with it?

I have got a ladder.

What shall I do with it?

Oh!

Keep us still while we climb up. Keep us still while we climb up. Keep us still

while we climb up and let's put out the fire.

I have got a chopper. I have got a chopper. I have got a chopper. So let's

out the fire. Oh!

Get it out and chop away.

Get it out and chop away. Get it out and chop away and let's put out the fire.

a hosepipe.

I have got a hosepipe. I have got a hosepipe. What can I do with it?

Oh, stick it up the chimney.

Hello, ladies and gentlemen.

Fireman Buchanan steps up to the microphone to give you his version of

Hood.

In Nottingham, the sheriff has made off with all the gold.

In the neighborhood.

But the sheriff hasn't read them with that dashing, brave and bold.

And the...

That is the story of Robin Hood.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for being with us, and we look forward to

you again real soon. Until then, bye -bye, God bless, take care of