Original subtitles

Hey, you! Would you get us a bottle of lemonade? A big one!

Excuse me, sir, but you're not allowed to eat your own food in here.

Oh, I didn't... I didn't know that.

Excuse us!

Yes, it's the Benny Hill Show!

We've got time for Pepper Martle!

musical note.

Give me rubber balloons, cried an old man in the street.

But no one cared about his rubber balloons, for a lady had just painted at

feet. The doctor in the crowd said, I know what to do.

Whenever a young lady swoons, you must rub her shoulders and cheeks, rub her

hands, rub her feet.

And the old man cried out, rubber balloons.

Oh, rubber balloons.

Now won't somebody buy my rubber balloon?

Benny Hill!

Now to the side of Patrick's leg, there lives a big guy known as Jake. Why, he's

a toughie, leaves a shell on when he swallows clams.

Why, he's a hard and mean and cruel, he darns his socks with steel wool.

And so stupid he thinks it comes from hydraulic rain.

According to Leroy, and he sure does hate this boy because he's a smart -ass.

Got a quick brain in his head.

Why, he could sell a new disclose or ice cream Deskimo.

I reckon he could even sell the Pope a double bed.

Jake's the boss when he's in, when young Leroy ambles in. Says he ain't been in

this year's place since I was a kid.

I see they've done up the saloon, but I sure do miss that old spittoon. And Jake

looks up and says, boy, you always did.

There is going to be a showdown. Man, forget your guns and lessons.

And women, forget time.

Leroy says, why is he such a louse? Last week I was in his house. He entertained

me royally. I had quite a groove.

And by the side of my plate of ham, I seen a napkin with a monogram.

Well, I thought it was until I saw it move.

I ain't going to say he's mean, but outside his house I seen a man with a

for five days on the run.

Jake says, look, I shoot to kill. Would you swear that was a man with a bill? He

said, well, either that or a duck with a stetson on.

Jake says, you pushed my grandpa off the roof. He said, you know, that ain't the

truth. He just slipped into the rain barrel with my cousin Beth and for hours

Annette and Carol tried to sort of lift him out of the barrel.

Well, that old boy was ecstasy to death.

And we'll forget our time.

Leroy says you ought to take more care when you go out hunting, Bear. You shot

my size pig and watched him die.

Jake says to show my heart's real big, I'm going to replace your pig.

He says, okay, you'll find the sow out in the stars.

How about Jenny Lark? She claims that one night in the dark she was raped by

your son Joe. She swears it's true.

He said if it was dark, then how did she know that it was my son Joe?

He says because she had to show him what to do.

The boy puts down his spear. He says, I'm getting out of here. And he wanders

off into the night, the black.

Then they see Jake depart, and they know that in their hearts, only one of them

boys is a coming back.

Jake was buried out of town, just six feet underground.

And they couldn't pin his murder on a soul.

Because he was tying up a knot in his shoelace when he was shot.

And the sheriff never found the bullet hole.

And now we have a treat for sports fans.

everywhere. Well, we've got an action -packed programme for you this

We've got sailing from hailing, we've got sledding from reading, shooting from

tooting, and carting from... On the football front, we'll be looking at the

midfield players, at the defenders, and of course at the strikers. In

particular, we'll be looking at the defending pair of Burnleys, and then

going to take a good look at this striking pair of Bristol.

Welcome to Bristol City.

Bristol City Road.

We're starting off with cycling.

And cycling, it's the Tour de Force, which comes to you today from Barnsley.

It's just as we expected. Eddie Muck, the Cuban -Irish whirlwind, has left the

pack and looks like breaking his own world record. Just look at that man go.

And here we have the true professional.

Cool, calm, confident.

In perspiration and, uh...

No, no, no, no, no. They're extremely good. There's just no stopping this man.

Well,

here are the results of the all -men's inter -services nude leapfrog

competition.

They are Army 99, Air Force 96, Navy...

Two, with leading seaman, Ounce Treader, being disqualified.

Well, now it's time for the Ladies' Bowls Tournament.

Ladies' Bowls Tournament has come today from Wilchester.

Mrs Cartwright is way out in front of the competition, is very keen. These

ladies are determined that she won't win again this year.

It's time.

It's time now for the athletics from Dimpton. And for the first

time, you're going to be seeing mixed track events.

This is Frida Dobbs with the Todbridge Harriers. And where she goes is a lovely

sight, is that not?

It's a good one. It's a good one. But here comes Hamish Hallmark with the

Stirling Academicals. And I think he's going to show them a thing or two today.

I'm pretty sure of it. And they seem to enjoy the audience here. And around he

goes.

He seems to be having a little contretemps with one or two of my

audience there. I'm sitting in the front row, having a good view.

And around he goes.

And he lets go, and... And here comes Jerry Lucas, and it's...

No, it's not her best. It's not her best at all. No, no.

But I think that Sid Tidworth here will break up a point or two. Here he comes

now.

Well, now it's time for fishing, for angling, and for the angling we are

over to Grumble on the Green, where Harry

Hooker is waiting to tell us all about the fishing. Over to you, happy Harry

Hooker. As you join us, the news is that Curl Lutter, who won last year's

competition, is not having a very good day.

This doesn't seem to have any luck at all.

Well, it's over now to Frampton, and for news of the showjumping, here is Teddy

Tripp.

Where I'm hoping to speak to one of Britain's top showjumpers, Mrs. Biscuit.

I know there are a lot of horse lovers watching today.

I'm sure there are some very horse lovers watching today.

They shouldn't talk so much, should they?

Don't do that. Oh, I'm sorry.

Could you tell us about yourself?

Well, yes, I could. You see, I'm afraid recently I've got into a rather

disgusting habit.

What's that? This one I'm wearing.

I just use it for cleaning out the stables, that's all.

And your husband?

He's just gone for a pony and trap.

Going to the boil, you know.

Well,

of course, you love it at any time. Oh, any time, yes, I love it any time.

How long has it been?

Well, it's been different lengths at different times, of course.

I mean, how long has what been? Since you started show jumping. I started when

was 17.

That would be about eight years ago.

Yes, easy, easy, yes.

And of course, I've got a lovely husband, and of course... Lovely darling

Harold.

There's no jealousy. Oh, none whatsoever, nice sweet.

Just as long as he gets his oats regular, that's all he worries about.

I was talking about your husband. So was I.

I'm happy to say.

How many hours a day do you ride?

Well, I should think about six hours a day as a rule, yes.

You see, when I ride, I look like part of the horse.

They never say which part, of course.

But really, all those hours each day, bouncing up and down in the saddle,

doesn't it give you a headache?

No, quite the reverse.

Gives the horse a headache.

I know what you were thinking, you naughty television. Don't do that.

And it's Darling Harold who'll be going with you to the Olympics.

Yes, in Canada. I'm so glad, yes.

How do you think you'll get on?

Well, I expect my husband will give me a bunker.

He certainly does, you know, and aims to get on to the... In the event.

Yes, well, in any event, I suppose.

Yes, in any event, we will put our best hoop forward, eh?

Over the years, you must have won an awful lot of trophies. Oh, I've won a

of awful trophies, I have, yes.

I've won 24 medals, 12 statuettes, and a shield inscribed to the farthest mare

in Surrey.

Have you ever won a loving cup? No, I've never been in for that sort of

competition.

I didn't know they gave cups for it, do they?

I'm sure I should win one if I went in for one.

I'm sure our viewers would love to see, darling Harold. Do you think, in fact,

you could curse him? No, I'm sorry, because at the moment, you see, I'm just

about to give him his tranquilizing pill, you see. He hasn't been terribly

just lately, you know.

Will he swallow that? He'll swallow anything, yes. No, the thing is, you

have to give him this by a very, very devious method, you see. What I do, you

see, I set this tube here. You see, I place the pill where... and the other

tube, the end of the tube in his mouth, you see, and I blow, you see, and that's

how he takes the pill. I'll show you. Look.

I'm afraid darling Harold blew first.

Won't that have an effect on your rum? No, it'll have no effect on me

whatsoever.

Well, I can't stand here talking. I have to look after the stables and the world

just keeps piling up in there.

In that case, I'll say goodbye. Well, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll try and

get Darling Harold just to say bye -bye for you. Come along, Darling Harold.

No, no, leave Enoch alone.

Never mind about Margaret or Tony.

Yes, I know, don't do that.

Say goodnight, Darling Harold. Come along.

Thank you. Isn't that lovely? Thank you so much.

Over now... Tennis.

We hope we don't have any incidents like we did last year. You may remember that

the vicar of St Arthur's last year sat in the front row with a newly -started

collar. He cut his head off.

He didn't do anything like that.

So we're going to have a look at the competition, which is for the New

Bra Cup.

And in particular, we'll be taking a jolly good look at the women's doubles.

Where the Roberts sisters, Terry and Libby, are taking on the Clunk sisters,

Freda and Ada.

her opponents with...

Well,

I'm afraid we have to say goodbye to you because we won't have time,

unfortunately, talking about that. I know you enjoy it so much. We'll do it

again next week and we'll tell you more.

Well, the floor.

How do you do, you do?

We would like to introduce ourselves to you.

People call me Luke because I'm not so hot.

People call me Tinker because I tinker a lot.

If you're interested, if you have the time, we would like to sing

you a little nursery rhyme.

Like Jack and Jill went up the hill, a hickory dickory dock. And Mary had a

little lamb and the doctor died of shock.

Hello, Baba Black Sheep, have you any wool?

What the heck do you think that's on me? Back, you lily fool.

We'll turn the black wool into garters for the girls of whom we're fond. And

they'll wear them in memory.

of those who pass beyond.

Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?

It grows very well because I've got a brand new hoe. I put manure on me

Manure on me flowers.

You put manure on your rhubarb? We have cream on ours.

And even the traffic of people. So everybody sings.

I wonder, did it know that part of his brother was in the string?

And then the cow jumped over the moon, at least that's what we're told. I

it was because the farmer's hands were cold.

Oh, was she brokenhearted because he felt her teeth all year and never had

thoughtfulness to say, I love you, dear?

Oh, nearly had her this much, she swallowed it one day.

And now she's taking Beecham's pill to pass the time away.

We lost the two conundrums to tell you all the truth.

What goes tickle tickle? A piddler on the roof.

And now the time has come for us to go, I fear. So we'll wish you a merry

Christmas and a happy birthday.

ago tonight paul finch the famous short -sighted poet typed his last poem

on a machine which had been repaired by an equally short -sighted repairman and

he put the f where the p should be and he

put the p where the f should be however as it is his last poem i thought tonight

You might like to hear it as it was originally written. Here it is then.

Patricia and Feta.

The final poem of Fall Pinch.

I think you'll like it.

Patricia was just 15 when she fell in love with feet.

He was fishing in the river.

on his feet.

He speaks first.

Is the water deep here?

About four inches, she replies.

He put his foot in front of him and sank up to his eyes

as he struggled to the surface, covered from head to foot in

muck.

It only comes halfway up my duck.

She noticed he was peeling paint.

So she gripped him by the arm.

He said, are you rich? She said, no, I peed myself.

With poo blown on my palm.

Years passed by.

And handsome feet left town.

And so did pretty fat.

She joined the Metropolitan Police Force.

Her pokes were proud of that.

One day, as she was facing up and down, she heard a strange cry in the street.

Someone was flaying a piddle.

In the gutter, there stood feet.

She could tell by the look upon his face.

He was peeling broken heartache.

He said, I've leapt my wife, you know.

She said, I heard you'd gone.

Please, please. Oh, go away, please, he begged.

She answered him with smiles.

He said, I've been in prison.

She said, I know I've seen your piles.

He said, at least I had food in there.

And over my head a roop.

If I'd have stayed much longer with all those men, I'd have become a raving

foop.

She held his hand as they were wed.

at the chapel of St. Paul's.

They honeymooned in Niagara, and she held him by the paw.

They now have poor children, and a life for them is great.

You just can't free -dict where it will point that pickle.

Pinger up paint.

A nudist from Notting Hill Gate was pushed into a pond by his mate.

And a tiddler swam by.

And he said with a sigh, Well, you look what they're using for bait.

a sick man to come here tonight. Yeah. The wife's got flu.

Oh. Yeah.

How do you make antifreeze? I don't know. How do you make antifreeze? I

knickers.

Do you know how to make an elephant fly?

No. Well, you start with a zipper four feet long.

Here, darling.

Do you know what virgins eat for breakfast?

No.

My mother -in -law's broke her leg.

Don't make me laugh. I've got a split lip, ain't I?

The only good thing to come from Leeds is footballers and loose women.

Here, my wife comes from Leeds.

Oh? What position does she play?

Are you afraid of the big bad wolf?

No. It's funny, the other two little pigs were.

Well, I've had a shimmy for every woman I may have loved her. What would you do,

buy a packet of crisps?

Why did you take up the piano?

Well, you see, the beer kept falling off my violin.

I said, all right, here, mate. This one's trisexual.

Bisexual? No, trisexual.

She'd try anything.

I was going to put my uncle's death in the arbitrary column of the local paper,

but I couldn't afford it. It was 50p an inch, and he's over six foot tall.

Here.

How do buffaloes make love?

I don't know. My husband's a mason.

This is my wife.

Ah, hello.

What happened to that stupid -looking red -headed scrubber you used to knock a

boat with?

I dyed my hair.

Darling,

have a peanut.

No, thanks. I don't want to be under obligation.

You won't be under obligation for a peanut.

It's not like a bar of chocolate.

Baldy lot, why don't you try Baldo? It's jolly good, you know.

It don't grow hair, but it shrinks your head so that what you've got fits

better.

Here, I say, why don't you let your eyebrows grow long, then you can comb

back. Like that.

Oh, it's smooth.

Yeah, it feels just like my wife's backside.

You're a dodge.

I'll take my tranquilizers and pit pills together.

Yeah, it makes you go out looking for a bird, but if you don't find one, you

couldn't care less.

Hey, look what I found.

Hey, that's mine. That's mine, that is. Can you prove it to us? Aye, it's got my

name inside.

Your name inside.

Aye.

What is your name?

Starling Silver.

Thank you, Jane.

Oh, pardon us.

I'm wondering if you would mind if my husband, the Reverend Soames, and I came

in and said a while. Get out of the way, the Reverend Soames.

Why, surely.

Well, that is right and ably of you, I do declare.

Normally, my husband, the Reverend, he likes to see the snow on the ground.

He says the only time our garden looks as nice as the one next door.

I'm Willard Park.

Well, don't apologize.

And this is my daughter, Grace.

She can play a tune on the bagpipes.

Wow, that's amazing, Grace.

Would a river like to hear a prayer of his?

Well, I'm afraid he's a mite hard of hearing. As a matter of fact, he is so

that last week he conducted a prayer meeting for three hours kneeling on the

cat.

This year has held it up, said the deacon.

The deacon? No, the deacon, dear. You know, I deacon. He's the son of a

All right.

I was wondering if you might just have a wee drop of whiskey in the hair. Oh,

but the reverend, surely I... Medicinal purposes only, I do assure you. I have a

slight cold.

The world's best scientific brains tell us that whiskey cannot cure the common

cold. Nor can the world's best scientific brains.

So move your ass, dear daughter, she would be so... All right.

Look at it. I'll show you where it is. I would appreciate that.

Nice. She's big.

I like them big.

Now you just keep your cup and pick and hand to yourself and leave her alone.

I was just going to give her a piece of sympathy.

Yeah, and I know your interpretation of that word sympathy.

A little fellow feeling.

Mind, he's quite nice.

He's conceited. All handsome men are.

I'm not.

You have only got to hear a clap of thunder and you go to the window and

bow.

You have only got to go to a roping match and see a scrum and you think

all talking about you.

And look at you, you are about as sexy as a dose of syrup of fags.

We interrupt this broadcast with the news that Bonnie and Clyde, the

gangsters, have been seen in this vicinity.

They are wearing old foreign raincoats which they stole from Martin's store.

This was to cover up their own clothes, which consisted of a green dress and a

pinstripe suit.

You're Bonnie and Clyde! You're the one that's got all that money that belongs

to the bank!

Honey, I do assure you I am just as poor as a church male.

Why, the only thing I've got between me and the poor house is this little second

-hand pistol that's pointed straight at your head.

Thank you, darling.

I'll take a look at it.

Hang on a minute, and go and get the sheriff. I think I'll come with you,

Willard. What, and leave her alone in here with him?

Why, now, you don't think that anything untoward would happen, do you?

Why, honey, you ain't scared about being molested. I mean, you ain't afraid of

having your lovely body fondled, are you? No, I ain't scared.

I was talking to him.

I ain't scared. You see, he ain't scared.

Yeah, but he could lock the door and have his way with her.

Why, he wouldn't do a thing like that. He's too fine. He's too decent.

He's too damn old, that's the truth.

Why, do you know his last birthday party, the candles cost more than the

Did you count them?

I tried to, but the heat drove me back.

Well, only time you look normal is Halloween.

She got her face lifted, and when they saw what was underneath, they let it

again.

And look at that figure.

There's a kangaroo with all the kids home.

Why, you don't know nothing. Last week he went fly fishing and he came back

a seven pound blue bottle.

He is just plain ignorant.

I went to school, stupid.

And you come out the same way and all.

A man's too big.

Whenever she smiles, she gets lipstick in her ears.

My mama does not have a big mouth.

Your mama sleeps with her false teeth in the bucket.

When I held out your mama, I could put both my hands in your mama's mouth up to

my elbows and still wind my wool.

I never did.

You don't think much of us small town folk.

Who don't?

You, you city slickers.

Why, honey, I ain't no city slicker.

Why, the town I come from is so small, we had to widen the main road to put a

white line down the middle.

Just a one -horse town.

And there was two butchers fighting over him, too.

Why, you know, my mama and papa were so poor, they couldn't afford to buy me

clothes. I had to run around the house naked till I was 15.

Then what?

They bought me a hat so I could look out the window.

And then one day, I met Horace.

Oh, he was wonderful, Horace. You see, we had a big house in the front and he

had a flat behind.

He bought me a lovely new dress. It was low at the back and low at the front and

I was so excited I could hardly contain myself.

He used to do bird impersonations. You know, they were so realistic I was

to look up.

And I think of him doing them bird impersonations where I can almost smell

custard.

And then one day we quarreled about the wedding plans. You see, I wanted a white

wedding with a lovely white dress and bridesmaids and everything and he wanted

to call the whole damn thing off.

I was just unlucky, I guess.

You know, the only time we ever made love was on the waterbed, and I got

seasick.

Then I left, and his house burned down, and he was poached to death.

Very sad.

You know, I sometimes think that I'm so unlucky, if it was raining soup, I'd

have a fork.

Well,

that's brought a little color back to your cheeks now, hasn't it, eh?

It's green, but it's color.

Oh, well, thanks kindly.

Jay, is my face dirty or is it my imagination?

Well, your face is clean. I don't know about your imagination.

What in heaven's name are you doing there?

Goodness gracious me. Oh, we ain't got no money.

Why, now, you didn't think we was going to rob you now, did you?

We just wanted somewhere to hold up for the night.

You see, he's got to get up early tomorrow morning before the bank opens.

We don't like to spend the night here, but you see, we only got two beds. So

you've got to give me your word of honor that you're sleeping with my daughter

and your partner here is sleeping with me, because we're mighty moral folks

around these parts.

Why, now, will it? I wouldn't have it any other way.

That is our no remote way of carrying on.

Thank you kindly. Now, tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to let you lock

the door and you can keep the key. Now, how about that? Oh, thank you.

Okay. Now, is everything shut up? Yeah.

Everything else is.

Good night, Pa.

Good night, Grace.

Will you please welcome the delectable...

You pregnant again?

No, Paul, I'm just carrying it for a friend.

Good morning. I'd like to buy a brazier for the wife, please.

What size?

Fifteen.

Fifteen? Yes. What did you measure it with?

Me bowler hat.

Two seven and a half.

I say, do you know Bishop's Walk?

Well, it's good for them.

2043, 2044, 2045.

You pregnant again?

No, Paul.

I just got a pain in my stomach. Only the doctor said if I stick it out till

o 'clock, he'll give me some pills.

I call one of my dogs Greyhound on account of he's the greyest.

I call another dog Happy on account of he's the gayest. I call the big dog

on account of he's the meanest.

And I call the pup Liberace, on account that he's the pianist.

With today's recipe, and here's a nice tasty dish for you, spicy young chicken

with lovely dumplings, to follow cling peaches in jelly, or nice and wobbly.

So while you get your pencils out, here is a musical medley.

Thank you.

Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you all for being with us, and we look forward to seeing you all again

soon. Until then, bye -bye. God bless. Look after yourself.