All language subtitles for Benny Hill - s03e04

Don't jump, my son.

Think of your wife and family.

I am.

That's why I'm jumping.

Think of the flowers of the field. You
like flowers, don't you?

They give me a fever.

Think of music. Think of how you love
music.

I'm too deaf.

Think of next Saturday.

of going to Elland Road and seeing our
beloved Leeds United play.

I hate Leeds United.

I'm a Liverpool fan.

Well, Flaming World, jump then.

Yes, it's the Freddie Hill Show with a
host of your favourite stars, Liza

Minnelli and Karl Kastelkoff.

And...

Won't you stay in my arms? It's like the
with the C, not with the C.

With the with the net. Just melt against
my skin.

I love you to the heart.

Don't let the music stay.

I keep you at the heart.

That day.

Old fashioned way.

Just make me love.

Wonderful evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you. It's wonderful to be here.

Now, I'm sure that we have some ex
-servicemen in the audience. So would

-serviceman, very kindly... Like you,
sir. Thank you very much. And I wonder

you'd be kind enough, sir, to think of
your number, your ex -service number.

And I'm going to write it down here now
because I think that it...

That's what I think

it is, sir.

Now then, I'm going to ask you, sir, if
you would, to tell me what that number

was.

14332308. Well, how about that? Well, I
never did.

There we are, sir.

1433...

That's something.

Don't tell. She was the first little
thing I ever saw.

You know, her smile just left me reekin'
lookin' for a chance to speak. I turned

to see this tomcat lickin' at its claw.

So I pointed to the cat and said, I'd
like to see you doin' that.

Lulu Bell, she just up and slapped my
face.

Cause the time she turned and saw that
old tomcat on the floor, the stupid cat

was lickin' some other place.

But I'd take a train, drive a truck,
ride a mule, and

try and duck.

And I get the wind.

Take me to my lovely little pal.

Lovely little pal.

Lovely little pal.

Now, she's milking a cow one day when a
farmer came her way. She said, pardon

me, miss, could you tell me the time?

She didn't understand.

She just held that udder in her hand.

And she said, I reckon it's about five
to nine.

He said, if you can tell the time of day
by lifting them teats up in that way.

Say, you must be a real old farming
stock.

She said, that ain't the reason why, but
if I lift them up real high, I can see

across the road to the town hall clock.

And I take a train, drive a truck, ride
a mule, catch a

flying duck, get a balloon, and I get
the wind to take me to my lovely little

bow.

My lovely little bow.

Must be jelly, because jam don't shake
like that.

Now, she doesn't do things by half.
She's got a lovely pair of calves, but

lets the local farmhands all infect
them. And when she goes out on dates

pair of 38, she takes along a pair of 45
to protect them.

She thought she'd look real good if she
stuffed her hair inside a snood. She put

it on the second that she bought one,
and from the back, I swear to God, she

looked like she was torn for cards. From
the front, she looked just like she'd

caught one.

Hey, a train.

Grab a truck.

Howdy, mule.

That's a flying duck.

Get a balloon.

Then I get the wind.

Take me to my lovely little bell.

Lovely little bell.

Don't get many of those to a pound.

Take me to my lovely little bell.

Now, friends and neighbors, for all of
you who feel that feature films on

television do not capture the magic of
the cinema, here is a film that surely

does.

Bye -bye.

anything in it looks at mind -reading
and clairvoyancy.

Can we read people's minds?

Is it possible to foretell the future?

Let's find out from our expert, Mr. Fred
Scuttle. Good evening, viewers!

Mahatma Scuttle, if you don't mind, sir.

Peace on you.

and septic alike.

You are very well. How am I?

In answer to your question, sir, about
three years.

How long have you been reading people's
minds?

Very well, sir, if you wish.

It's a gift.

Would you say it's a gift?

Not just this.

That's remarkable.

It is.

How could you read the audience's mind
dressed like that?

Not on a family show, sir.

Not there. No, I wouldn't.

But my partner can, sir.

Oh, Prince M 'Botti. Prince M 'Botti.

He can, sir. He reads minds, foretells
the future. He does everything he does,

sir. Well, do you think you might trot
him out?

He's not a bloody racehorse, you know.

He's a serene highness, a prince.

Respected and revered. See those up.

That's a pretty lovely girl, isn't it?

Yes, Ella. You could have fooled me.

Here he is.

gentlemen, I... Sorry, son.

I give you Prince Mibati. Here he is,
sir. There he is, sir, you see.

If I had time, I'd tell you his full
Himalayan name, sir. He's only small,

he's beautifully marked, you know, sir.

He's got a long one.

You see, when a couple marry out in
Himalaya, sir, that is when they

name their firstborn, you see. They
throw all the gold and silver wedding

presents up in the air, and when they
hit the ground, they go, bing, dong,

dong, ding, dong, bang, dong.

And that's his name.

I just call him Prince Mabotti. He knows
everything he does, sir.

He's got a sixth sense.

There's no sign of the other five, he
must have.

You see, he's completely uninhabited,
sir.

He does in case. No flies on him, you
know.

You can see where they've been.

You see, sir, his brain has actually
baffled scientists, sir.

Doctors, vets, sanitary inspectors.

I see.

Do you?

Well, who does I tell you that, sir?

You see, authorities, sir, they wanted
to certify him, sir. They said he was

potty, sir. And him earning 500 pound a
week. In cabaret?

Yeah. They called him Cabaret's Fruit
and Nutcase.

went so far as to imply that he was one
of them male witches.

Warlocks. That's what I said, sir.

Would you like a demonstration, sir, of
his prowess? He's had permission.

And we will give you the revelations of
the 1980s. Mind

his vest.

It's on ice.

Ramarama, Krishna Rama, Panarama.

Empty your mind, there's nothing.

Now relax.

You understand, relax.

Yes, a little piece of dark chocolate.

He's seen the exorcist three times, he
has, sir.

I don't know what possessed him.

There he goes. No one knows all sleep
secrets, but warlocks know more than

He's going, sir.

Does he meditate?

I've never caught him at it, sir.

He's beginning to go, sir. He has
studied all the Eastern religions, sir.

What does he feel about butter?

He can't tell the difference.

He's still in there, sir. I think he's
ready. I think he's ready, sir. Stand by

for the revelation.

of the 1980s. In 1980, who will scoop
the pools and stand as Conservative

candidate for St Albans?

Hugh Scanlon.

I can't speak, can't lie.

Who will become a stripper at Raymond's
Review Bar?

Mary Whitehouse.

And who will be in the front row every
night yelling, get them off?

No one.

coughing his lop.

Only just came to him then, sir.

What will a famous pop singer do to
avoid

suffering from acne?

Move to Chelsea.

Now then, what will happen to this
gentleman's eight -year -old son?

swallow a live bullet.

And what will this gentleman do?

Put him to bed and sing him a lullaby.

And what lullaby will he sing him?

Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.

Are there any other hints you can give
him?

Yes.

point him at anyone.

In 1980, what will happen to this
gentleman's father?

He'll go to Australia.

Bravo. Ah, now there I've got you. My
father died ten years ago.

The man your mother married died ten
years ago. Your father is going to

Australia.

They can't be that. They can't be that.
Well, I'm afraid there we must end this

investigation into extrasensory
perception.

Good night.

Oh, oh, oh, sir, sir.

The chief clerk just raped me.

Well, I can't do everything, Miss Jones.
Can I?

But remember, darling, when we get
married, We'll have to keep my marriage

a secret on account of all my fans.

But supposing we have a baby?

Oh, we're told a baby.

Larry did it. I thought he was just
flirting with them.

Yeah, so did he.

My dad taught me to swim when I was only
three.

Took me down a lake and threw me in.

I wouldn't have minded, only everybody
else was skating.

Sometimes I think you love Arsenal more
than you love me.

I love Real Madrid more than I love you.

France, we heard.

Normandy. My uncle lost a leg in
Normandy.

Oh, we never found it.

And I must remember not to offer him a
drink.

Why not?

Well, he's the chairman of the
temperance league.

No, he's the chairman of the anti -base
league.

Oh. I knew there was something I
shouldn't offer him.

Oh,

stop telling lies.

I don't believe you.

I said, how can we open a brothel?

When we had the pub, we couldn't sell
beer.

How are we going to sell broth?

Our Catholic father knows more than your
rabbi.

Of course. You tell him everything.

Now, this old man went to this doctor,
see, and the doctor said, you've only

a year to live.

So he went to four other doctors and
they all told him the same thing.

Now he's got five years, isn't he?

Your mum reads the news weekly?

Yeah. She only takes it for the spot the
ball competition.

Lost two fingers when he worked at that
sawmill.

Didn't notice till he said goodnight to
the foreman.

No, I work on a stud farm, not collar
studs. Like, I have to take the bull to

the cow so he can, you know.

I'd have thought that would have been a
job for the farmer.

No, it has to be a bull.

I like that mate Shannon.

Next year, he's going to be our best
man.

Oh, this is so sudden.

Wait till I tell my mum.

Why don't you get a job?

What for?

So you can make some money.

What for?

Well, you could open a bank account and
save.

What for?

Then you would be rich and could retire.

You wouldn't have to work anymore.

I'm not working now.

So my dad asked the doctor to give him
something to make him sweat.

Did he?

Yes. find him off.

Would you mind coming back to your place
and spending the night? I'd love to.

No, would you marry you? Of course, I'd
love to.

No, would you mind lending me a quid?

How dare you? I hardly know you.

Funny woman.

I wonder if you've noticed occasionally
that some drama series seem to be using

the same plot.

I wonder what some of these series would
do with the story of Jack and Drew.

You know,

Sandy, I'm very worried about Jill.

Haven't you heard from her yet?

No, Sandy, I'm afraid I haven't.

Hello, Mrs.

Good God, what on earth's that?

Hello, Barry. I see your back.

That's not my back.

Not my back at all. That's the front,
that is. Of a woman, I think.

I don't suppose you've heard anything
from Jill?

Not since she went up the hill with that
Jack.

Jack? That's the chap who hangs around
outside the motel. He went to the bar

day and I quit to get an answer with his
given name.

What, that chap who lives in that filthy
old hut at the top of the hill?

Yeah, he's quite happy up there.

He's got Anita in there.

Anita who?

Not Anita who, Anita!

An oil eater.

But why did she want to go up to the top
of the hill with Jack?

Well, she said it was to get a pail of
water.

Great Scott put a loan up there on the
hill with him. Well, anything could

happen. I mean, he could molest her.

Oh, come on, Mrs.

How could he molest her with a pail of
water in his hand?

Oh, she could hold it for him.

Anyway, I've written her a note I have
because I learned to write now. What did

you say?

You don't know I ain't learned to read
yet.

Well, some words I have, because the
note she left for me, I... I... I... I

meant some of the words on that. Careful
with that where you're going, will you?

She says he's very well off. She says
he's got his own cannery.

He's got a canary.

Well, anyway, thank you for that lovely
picture.

Don't tell me that that is... I mean...
But who is it?

Look at the bottom.

There ain't no bottom there to look at.

I don't know.

Ah.

Jill is still there.

Oh, God, how could she do a thing like
that?

Here, hang on, missus.

She never posed for that picture like
that she told me about. She never posed

like that for that picture.

Thank heaven for that.

Oh, he done that from memory.

Sandy, I'm still worried about Jill.

We've got more trouble with our old
friends, the Diplomacy Paris Council.

Apparently, one of their ratepayers,
who's known as Jack, is living with a

called Jill.

But unfortunately, she's not his wife.

And the local water authority do not
approve.

So they sent a man round to cut it off.

The water, that is.

And, um, unfortunately, he only half
finished the job, and she's now having

live with a constant drip.

It's from the water authority.

What about their tap?

What about it?

It's dripping.

Well, dip your bread in it.

They've jammed the faucet. It'll never
get well if you force it.

They're threatening to picket your
offices.

It'll never get well if you picket.

Jack and Jill were obliged to trudge
half a mile up the nearest hill to fetch

pail of water. Where Trader G struck
again.

He slipped and fractured his skull.

Trader G?

And not wishing to overburden the
already ailing National Health Service,

consulted their local paper.

Where, amongst adverts like, a lady with
bow legs wishes to meet man with

mallet. Object, a croquet.

Man wanted for dynamite factory, must be
willing to travel.

And wanted, a barmaid with no bad
habits, willing to learn.

They found this.

For fractured skulls, try Grimshaw's
Villiger and Brown paper.

Send £1 .50.

You'll be delighted.

Well, they did, and they weren't. So we
phoned up and asked Starson's Vinegar.

Supposing I cut my head, what would be
the result of putting vinegar on it?

It would make it smart.

Well,

certainly one good thing has come out of
all this. It has inspired our old

friend Cyril Fletcher to write an odd
ode.

Cyril?

Don't come in up, pin back your luggles.

This is the tale of teenage Jill, whose
exploits made her mother ill.

While on a picnic one hot day, she said,
I think I'm in the family's way.

So while mum talks with Uncle Mac, I'll
nip off with me boyfriend Jack.

My ma said, you be careful, duck.

Remember Cousin Maud's bad luck.

There's more in that bulge around her
waist than ever went in through her

We'll climb the hill, said Jill, quite
gay.

And Jack said, let's go all the way.

Then realising he said more than he
ought to, added to fetch a pail of

It was so hot and a pail of water's all
he got.

As he ran with it through the grass, he
slipped and fell down on his head aloft.

And to add to Jill's distress, the water
soaked right through her dress.

She murmured, Oh, don't some mothers
have them? You've dampened my

She took Jack home, put him to bed, put
vinegar and brown paper round his head,

took off her wet dress, green as clover,
and said, Oh, look, I'm barefoot all

over.

The ma came in, let out a shriek, and
said, Oh, don't say you've done a

And what's Jack doing in your bed?

So daughter Jill, with cheeks bright
red, told Mama all that occurred.

And she didn't believe a bloody word.

Well, that's all for now.

But we're going to leave you with some
good news.

The government are going to nationalise
crime to make sure that it doesn't pay.

Good night.

Rocker! He would have gone bump with his
own genuine Picasso. Come on, will you?

Yeah.

He's holding a letter when the cops
arrive, too.

Hey.

What are we doing about this, huh?

Uh, we've got 11 of them behind bars
already.

And, uh, we're out picking up the other
guy now.

Look, neat head, these are 12 different
pictures of the same guy. What are you

going to tell your fellas?

Uh, maybe we could tell them they're a
jury.

Sheesh. Hey, Clancy, did you check my
tie?

Sure, you still got fours.

I hear the fellas don't know anything
you guys don't even suspect.

Ho, ho, ho.

And what do we have here?

Uh, we figure out he might have
witnessed a murder.

Okay, talk.

You can't make me talk.

I'm no street pigeon.

Sweetheart, come here, baby.

You know deep down in your heart of
hearts where it really counts that any

I like, I can put you away for robbery,
fraud, grand larceny, petty larceny,

rape.

Well, attempted rape is what I'm talking
about.

A thought with a friendly weapon, shall
we say.

Okay. The verdict from the Salvation
Army, not to mention murder.

Murder? I said not to mention murder,
didn't I?

Get on there, Thor. Come on, come on,
come on.

I'll hate myself in the morning. You can
sleep till lunchtime.

It was this gal, Jill, I think he called
her, and this guy, Jack.

Oh, we think maybe this is the murder
weapon.

What do you know, an English cricket
bat.

Why does it have such a big handle?

Gee, I could have got a human being for
the same price.

What's this?

I thought you might like to use it for
evidence.

I don't want to use it for anything.

Where have you been?

In the lab.

You have to spend all day in there?

Well, I'll have to follow, you know
that?

No,

lady, I do not have time to go and look
for your dog.

Why don't you put an advert in the
paper?

Your dog can't read.

Why?

Is this the 17th Precinct?

No, lady, that is my backside.

That's the guy.

Your name's Jill?

Yes.

What's a terrible place like that doing
on a nice kid like you?

I got it when Jack kicked the bucket.

You mean he's dead?

No meathead.

She was being literal.

She was not using a metaphor.

A what?

A metaphor.

I think I know what he metaphor.

He asked me to meet him up on the hill.

Did he tell you what for?

He said it was to get a pail of water.

And you believed him?

Oh, you crazy kid.

They found a guy. He's in the intensive
care unit.

At first they thought it was you,
Stavros.

You mean like Bob I built?

Yeah.

Curly hair?

Yeah.

Brown eyes?

No, blue.

Ah, then it wasn't me.

Thank God he's all right.

It was an accident, I tell you. Like, I
wouldn't hurt anyone as kind and

considerate as Jack.

Like, it better... one's kind to me, I'd
do just anything for them.

Anything at all.

Thank you.

You won't believe me. Up there on that
hill, anything

could happen.

No one would know it's deserted up
there.

Crocker, I want you to hold that guy as
a material witness.

I'm taking this young kid.

This poor little kid who's suffered so
much. I'm taking her up to the top of

hill.

And if we have to spend all night up
there, I'm going to find that bucket and

search it for fingerprints. Come on.

But the bucket's right here.

Then we'll fight it with us.

the sign of my heart.

There was a fire in the dressing room
last night, you know. Took two hours to

put out the fire. Four hours to put out
the fireman.

I'm afraid that she will stay and never
part.

You know, she's very high class.

She won't eat a hot dog unless it is
registered with crops.

One day we will go up to the church upon
the hill.

She only goes out with the upper set.

She leaves the lower set in the little
glass for the side of the bed.

And there we'll stand, hand in hand,
when all is still.

She say to me, I do all my washing in
ties.

I say, why you do your washing in ties?
She say, it's too damn cold outside.

And when we leave, we'll be man and
wife.

I say to my wife, I seen your mother off
at the station. She said, why are your

hands so dirty? I say, I've been balling
the engine.

No woman like that could ruin a man if
he was lucky.

I like her costume.

It barely fits.

I like her shoulders.

We like her eyes.

I'm so funny.

You'll be fucked.

Lend me some money.

Go and get fucked.

Say that you'll be mine and we will dine
by candlelight.

She's reading a book called The Naked
and the Dead.

Reminds me of my wife.

And I will hold you in my arms all
through the night.

You know, she's wearing so much perfume,
if she stands still, she leaves a

puddle.

I can see your answer in your lovely
eyes that shine.

That's what the public wants, new faces.

tonight you'll be mine.

You know something, Wang?

My wife is crazy.

She won't send money to the inland
revenue because we live on the coast.

And he, he's like a vacuum cleaner with
teeth.

Yesterday, she had boiled potatoes and
custard, gefilte fish fingers, sweet and

sour tripe, and jelly and chips.

All on the same day?

All on the same place?

He said to me, what shall I have to wash
it down?

I said, how about Niagara Falls?

He said, knock at the door. I said, who
is it? He said, Jack the Ripper.

I said, it's for you, dear.

Another knock at the door. I said, who
is it? He said, Jack the Ripper. I said,

I gave already.

Jack the Ripper is not dead.

He's doing my laundry.

You know, I have the same laundry he
went for five years.

And I never lost a button.

Sleeves, collars, whatever, a button.

You got a trouble with you, Wang?

You talk too much.

St. Paul's, don't half -talk a load of
rubbish.

He calls his skinny wife, my lovely
Helen.

She parades around in fancy clothes like
she's got a nasty smell underneath her

nose. And half the time, he looks like
what she's smelling.

He visited Squire last Saturday. He
says, I'm starting a charity for the

fortunate brethren of our town.

People who've had it cushy like you have
got a duty to do, so I hope you idle

rich won't let me down.

He said, hang on. on a minute, chum. He
says, my old dad and mum had to bring me

up in a shack ten miles from Reading.

She says, the day that I was born I had
taluses on my hands through trying to

hang on till after the wedding.

She says, we never had no fancy clothes
all smelling like a rose fawned on by

some high -class nurse or nanny. My dad
worked down the pit and he'd come home

covered in soot.

Till I was 12, I thought he was a
Pakistani.

He'd come home at half past eight and
he'd have a bath in front of the grate

the kitchen with his clothes all over
the place.

He'd stand there naked as can be.

And my mum would start crying because
she could see.

Ruination. Stare at her in the face.

I remember my mum one day saying Auntie
Jean's just passed away so she won't be

staying for the weekend after all.

So, son, you'd better pop down to the
corner shop and ask if they'll take back

the toilet roll.

And just a week ago, my half -sister
Flo, at the same time, got locked door

open cop.

We got our uncle Saul to rub her back
with alcohol and she broke her neck

to suck it off.

There's my poor cousin Hugh trying to
make a bobble too, scraping the

off the bottoms of boats and barges.

And Aunty Maud, and she's an old maid,
gets obscene calls on her hearing aid.

Some of the dirty swines reverse the
charges.

It's my young nephew Ron, he's trying to
get on. I caught him with his boss's

wife when they was kissing.

To me, that little twit was like a snake
hissing in a pit.

And I knew him when he didn't have a pit
to hiss in.

My poor cousin Harry's wife has started
leading an immoral life.

Her first night out was something really
sordid. She'd come home with 100 quid

and 50p.

And Harry says, quite naturally, well,
who gave you the 50p? She says, they all

did.

And my poor auntie Vi, still having to
economise, right from the time she wakes

up and switches her alarm off.

Three quid she had to pay for a giant
deodorant spray.

One squirt, it blew her bloody arm off.

Can they all expect money from me?

Vicar says, ah, now I see you support
your relatives. What a generous thing to

do. He said, that ain't the point, my
friend. He said, I don't give nothing

them, so I sure as hell ain't giving
nothing to you.

Oh, there.

and under the age of ten.

How do you account for that?

Well, he comes back now and again to
apologize.

it the way it was.

Now, you know, a lot of people think
that I'm trying to get my hands on their

money. You know, that just isn't true.
I'm not trying to get my hands on their

money. How anybody could think that I'm
trying to get my hands on anything that

is not rightfully mine, I shall never
know.

But enough.

Here.

A very, very lovely young lady with a
lovely voice. Her name is Dilys Watling,

so let's give her a big hand, shall we?

Yes,

it was yourself you were involved in.

I would have sworn it was me.

I might have...

That ain't no way to treat a lady, no
way to treat your baby,

your woman, your friend.

That ain't no way to treat a lady, no
way.

Maybe it's the way for us to end.

Yeah, the funny kind of consolation.
keeping me sane and I'd really

like to share it crawling deep in my
brain either way you never

felt me loving you and needing you
leaving you now you

still won't know how to feel the pain I
was

only being a picture with all the

While you were busy looking into wide
blue mirrors and loving the

show.

That ain't no way to treat a lady, no
way to treat your baby, your

woman, your friend.

That ain't no way to treat a lady, no
way.

But maybe it's a way for us to end.

That ain't no way to treat a lady, no
way to treat your baby, your

woman, your friend.

That ain't no way to treat a lady, no
way, but maybe it's the

way for us to end.

But maybe it's the way for us

to end.

I fell in love with a Mexican girl.

Nighttime would find me in Rose's
Cantina. Music would play and Felina

Blacker than night...

Wild as the West Texas wind

Dashing

and daring the drink he was sharing With
wicked Felina, the girl that I loved So

in anger I challenged his right for the
love of his name Now when his hands to

the gun that he wore

was answered in less than a heartbeat.
The man came in straight through the

desert door.

Just for a moment I stood there in
silence, shocked by the foul evil deed I

done.

Many thoughts raced through my mind as I
stood there. I had but one chance and

that was to run.

Now through the back door

Out where the horses were kind

I caught a good

one I found a second way I could ride
Just as

fast as I could From the west Texas town
of El Paso Out to the badlands of New

Mexico Back in El Paso

Everything's gone in life, nothing is
left.

It's been so long since I've seen the
unmade.

My love is stronger than my fear of
death.

Tonight nothing's worse than the pain in
my heart.

And at last, dear, I'm off the hill to
the lurking El Paso. I can see

Rosa's Pantina below.

My love is strong and it pushes me
onward. Down up the hill to Bellina I

Off to my right I see five -mounted
cowboys.

Up to my left, right, a dozen or more.

Shouting and shooting, I can't let them
shoot me. I have to let them through the

door.

Something is dreadfully wrong for I feel
a deep burning pain in my heart.

I see the white puff of smoke from the
rifle.

I feel a bullet go deep in my chest.

I see the weapon Nina has found me.
Chimping my cheek as she kneels by my

Cradle bites and loving arms that I'd
die for.

One little kiss and Felina does die.

Oh, thank you. How proud.

How very, very proud.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's been jolly
nice being back with you all once again.

And we hope to see you all very, very
soon. Until then, bye -bye and look

yourselves.