Original subtitles

Yes, it's the Benny Hill Show with a host of your favorite stars.

Love, Chuck LaVey, and Cherry.

No performing men.

deliver down Panton Street?

Yes, yes, sir, I do, sir, yes. And do you serve a Mrs. Treader?

Is that number 47, the redhead?

Ah, yes, yes, I do, sir, yes. And last Thursday at one o 'clock, did you shout

whoa to your horse from her bedroom window?

Yes, sir, I did, yes.

Well, I'm her husband and I don't like it one little bit.

Neither did I, sir. Look, I crossed her name out.

With me tonight, the multi -talented Clyde Jarrow.

Hello there.

Now, Mr. Jarrow, you're a poet, historian, songwriter, critic, and a

director. How do you do all these things?

Brilliantly.

And with great humility and charm.

And yet you're still quite young.

Oh, come now, I wouldn't call 28 young.

What is it you got your first chance to become a writer?

It was the winter of 1959.

But I remember I was in the bathroom and I was looking in the shaving mirror and

wondering what was happening to the other six wonders of the world.

And I turned to my wife, Elaine, who was sitting nearby, straining her greens.

And I said to her, I said, you know, Elaine, when I shave in the morning, I

ten years younger.

She said, why the hell don't you shave at night then?

And you know, before I could think of a snappy answer, this publisher came in.

He said, Clyde, you're made, you're made.

I want to talk to your maid.

And while he was talking to her, I showed him my anthropology that I had

written, which I called Love is Like a Dumpling. And I called it Love is Like a

Dumpling because I honestly believe that to be the most profound thing that I've

ever said. Love is truly like a dumpling.

Why?

Pardon?

Why is love like a dumpling?

Well, if you're going to bleed and argue about it, I mean, love ain't like a

dumpling. I mean, you don't have to take it literally.

It's like saying, cast your bread upon the waters and it'll come back a

hundredfold. I mean, who the hell wants a hundred loaves of wet bread?

Don't take it too literally.

It's time for you to read us another poem.

Oh, yes. I'm sure it'll be a great pleasure for all of you.

A dirty old man was sat down by the lake quietly plucking a duck.

And just as he feared, the gamekeeper appeared. He looked up and said, what

rotten luck.

He chucked the duck in the lake as the gamekeeper spanked. He said, you're

stealing that duck, I suppose.

He said, come off it, Jim. He's just having a swim and I'm sitting here

his clothes.

He said to his landlord, me roof leaks. And every time that it starts to rain,

water runs down me walls.

The landlord said, ball to dash.

What did he expect then, champagne?

What more he said, there's bugs on me bed. They climb there from the wall of

shack. I've tried pulling me bed away from the wall, but the bugs keep pulling

it back.

Once the dirty old man left his dirty old bike by the railings of number 10.

You can't leave that there, said the copper. I'm not going to tell you again.

Not just Wilson, but Thatcher and Thorpe may turn up to wine and to dine and to

thup. But the dirty old man went across to his bike.

And he carefully locked it up.

We've all of us seen the dirty old man as we hurry past in the street with his

dirty old hat and his dirty old coat and his dirty old rags on his feet.

And we think that we care.

But do we really care should this lonely old man live or die?

In your heart of hearts, do you really care?

No? Neither do I.

I believe now we're going to see the documentary that I made over here, are

The one about the family, you know, the groper family from Aldershot.

I mean, Tom, marriage is not just like sex.

I mean, it's coming home to a spotless head.

She's having a lovely meal. It's been prepared with loving care.

What did you say?

There's another label to come up with here.

Hang on.

Ah, spaghetti bollock knees.

Yeah. Is it going to be long?

What, do you want me to measure it or something?

Can I have a glass of water, then?

What, drink?

No, I want to rinse out a few things.

Don't you be sorry with me.

Yeah. I wish I was him.

I wish I was that cat.

Ha! You wouldn't if you knew.

I'm taking him to the vet this afternoon.

Oh, go on.

Demand you your conjurer's rights, are they? I do wish you'd stop playing with

that smelly, hairy thing. It's not a smelly, hairy thing.

I was talking to the cat.

I took your father's tea into him. You see, Tom, marriage is two people finding

happiness and contentment and... What are you doing?

I'm not doing that!

I'm not doing that!

Oh, well then.

And peace in each other's hearts.

I'll go to my tent.

Why, what's wrong with the one you're wearing?

Oh, to go camping.

Well, camping, you don't want to get in a tent. You want to worry about getting

yourself a house, don't you, Father?

Can't oblige me. I mean, you've got to get married sometime, Tom.

Can't go and join yourself forever.

You'd marry her, wouldn't you?

You listening to me?

Yeah. How can you be? You've got your eyes closed.

Today, I'm listening with my ears.

But I understand, Tom, the sanctity, the holiness of marriage. Well, answer the

bloody thing, will you?

Yes.

Because I mean, Tom, like, I mean, if you'd married, you'd have all sorts of

benefits. Honestly, it's like coconuts.

I mean,

you'd like your baby to have a name, wouldn't you?

Just imagine you have a nice little son, a lovely little lad with a chubby face

like his mum, a little son you could have told you about that before, haven't

Love and cherish, be lovely.

Or a nice daughter while she grew up in the womanhood in front of your very...

It's no wonder you're coughing, running around all the time half -naked like

that. Where did you get that ice cream from? I want one. You shut up.

I got it off the ice cream man, didn't I?

You mean to say you've been out like that half -naked?

Well, he knows what I look like. I've been round his house dark naked.

When he gets his Polaroid out, and them other villains at them gangbangs and pot

parties, I mean, they're all drunk anyway, ain't they?

After all your father and I have done for you to bring you up nice and

respectable, you still say aunt.

I'm sure the vicar don't approve of you two having sex before the wedding.

He says it's okay, as long as it doesn't block the aisle.

Good night, Luskirk. Ready?

Oh, I could see.

I'm an atheist.

Why not?

Why not?

If you ate that bread already, you must have loved that appetite, haven't you?

Tell us what they say in it. Way to a man's heart, it's through his stomach,

it's quite right, you know.

Yeah, as straight as we.

Who's got migraines?

Here,

I've been looking for that.

Thank you.

And now, ladies and gentlemen...

Will you please listen to the golden voice of Eddie Buchanan?

Considering so many folks dissatisfied

with everything,

Who needs someone to understand their love?

Yes, they're lonely But they're not alone

and Everywhere They shrug

their shoulders tell themselves that they don't care And all

the while they make believe that

Yes, they're happy, but not really.

And they're asked to hold the world together,

make it happen, and give it

children who in turn are turning on

too.

Going nowhere.

And all the strength.

Mr. Buchanan, sir.

After that, sir, what can I say?

Rubbish!

No, and I'm a fan, sir. Mr. Buchanan, I've watched you box many times.

No,

sir, the thing is, may I be frank?

Oh, certainly. I'll be honest if you'd rather.

I had heard.

The thing is, sir, what you need is a group. A group!

Discovery.

And I have called them... Loosenix and Old... Arsenic and Old Lake.

Yes, Arsenic and Old Lake.

Each one, sir, a soloist in his own right. Elton!

There's no place like home.

There's no place like home.

He's got a rotten voice. He's got a rotten home, sir.

Our poplar singer, all the way from poplar.

D, sir.

And then, sir, we have little Donny Esmond.

The Australian Nightingale.

I know he doesn't look much, but he's very big down under.

At least that's what he tells me.

I'll tell you something, sir, it was, his voice was used for Catherine, not

Catherine Hepburn, Audrey Hepburn.

That wasn't ties you'd give me, was it? No.

For Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady, sir.

Good God, how did you get into seeing so high?

That is a trade secret.

I'd show you, only it makes his eyes watery.

I mean, if I told you, they'd all be at it, wouldn't they, sir?

You wouldn't be able to tell Moira Anderson from Mick Jagger.

Not without seeing them.

Then you'd have a job.

He's lovely, this little fella, sir. He is our romantic... Singer.

Hola, tiger.

Hola, tiger.

That's not romantic.

It is to another tiger, sir.

Now then, sir, we won't let you down, sir. All you want is the right song. Get

good song. We won't let you down, sir. You'll be all right. We'll come in

sir. I've got one.

Big fart, you're... I've got one.

I told him you're very big down under.

I told him.

A song?

What's it called?

Give yourself a pat on the back, pat on the back, pat on the back, and say to

yourself, here's jolly good health, I've had a good day today.

That's the title?

Yes. When we've got a couple of weeks, you must come and sing it for us.

Here, hang on a minute.

Here, go on.

Have a lie down, have a cup of tea and a marie biscuit, you'll be all right.

Carry on, sir, we won't let you down, sir.

I see you every day.

I'd like to get to know you, but all I do is whine.

Yeah,

yeah.

thing about you babe

There's something about you, baby.

Yeah, yeah.

There's something about you, baby.

you anything, sir?

Like hot and bobbled?

Here, hang on. I haven't finished my tither yet, had I?

Oh, get you.

Yes, I bet you'd like to and all.

Is anyone sitting there?

No. Mind if I do?

Treat yourself. It's very country. Oh.

What's that for drinking?

It's tither. Why?

Oh, miss, two tithers, please.

Look, I didn't mean for you to buy me one, did I? There, there. Don't do that.

Only be sociable.

All right. then.

Could you go for me?

Why, can't you go for yourself?

Oh, no.

No, I mean, can we be friends?

Well, if it's only friends, I suppose it's all right, yeah.

Why not? Any good with these things?

I beg your pardon?

Um,

crosswords. Oh, try me out. I'm not bad, you know. All right, I will.

Seven across.

Uh -huh. Okay?

It's popular with men and women.

Mm -hmm. It's got three letters.

Uh -huh.

Begins with S. Uh -huh. And ends with X.

Oh, and it's much nicer when there's two.

women wear them, don't they? And it's much nicer when there's two.

I mean, can you imagine me walking around wearing only one sock? Oh, yes.

That would be silly. I'd rather have it off.

So would I.

Thank you, I'm sure.

Oh, that's a lovely painting over there.

Hmm, it's the constable.

Looks more like a game warden to me.

Not as nice as that one up there. I think that's a Picasso, isn't it?

Yes, done during his blue period.

Yeah, well, you could see one nappy when he'd done that.

That looks like a Van Gogh.

Funny man.

Cut off his ear and sent it to his girlfriend. Now, I wonder why he did

Perhaps he wanted to hear from her.

But I still think that's the nicest one that's painted here. That sign up there.

It's painted ever so nice, isn't it?

Oh, well.

Round the mouth, round the gums, look out stomach, here she comes.

May I live as long as I want to, and want to as long as I live.

my shoe?

This is not my bed.

Where's Teddy?

Whose brazier's that?

It's that woman. It's that woman, I know.

I say, madam, wherever you are, I know you're here somewhere.

I'm not staying here.

I'm certainly not.

Let me...

I should get the claustrophobia.

You can't keep me locked up, cased up like an animal.

You've no right to cage me up like an animal.

Oh, mummy.

Oh, someone help me.

Oh, dear God, help me.

Somebody help me, please. If you know you're shouting, the room is soundproof.

Oh, well, I won't bother then.

Are you going to let me out here or not? No.

I should climb out the window. We are 13 floors up. I'm not superstitious.

Look.

And I've got the key.

If you don't give me that key, I shall come and take it off you by brute force

if necessary.

Will you? Yes, I will.

No, I won't.

I can't stay any longer. It's nearly midnight.

Midday? Mid... Midday? Mm -hmm.

I can't have been here all... Oh, my God!

Have I been here all night?

Mm -hmm.

Ooh.

During the night, did you...

Did you have carnival knowledge of me?

Can't you remember, Tiger?

When I was saving myself for the girl I marry.

You can't keep me here against my will.

Can't I?

We'll see about that. Yes, we will see about that. I warn you.

I'm going to jump.

I will. Oh, God, I get the vertigary.

With the kitchen on fire and smoke everywhere, the whole place will be

a cinder.

What shall I do?

What shall I do?

Save the furniture.

Save the furniture.

Why don't you stop wasting your time? You won't get away with this. I'll phone

the police. That's what I will do.

You'll soon see.

Hello, Scotland Yard.

Hello, Jock.

Yes, I'm speaking to you from an apartment very near to the post office

It's up in the air.

Yes, you can't miss it. It's got striped curtains.

And there's a wicked evil woman here, and she's holding me hostage.

No, me hostage.

Yes. Right, now, officer, you'll come right away, and I should prefer charges

soon as she gets here.

Why have you brought me here?

I know, but... But why me?

I mean, honestly, there are plenty of other young men.

Just as good, almost as good -looking as what I am.

I mean, why in this whole metrolopith do you have to pick on me?

It's my hobby. What is? Philately.

Well, that'll get you nowhere for a start.

I've got a Chinese tickle.

Well, I can't help about that, can I?

I mean, I'm not a doctor.

Well, would you like to see it? No, I wouldn't.

Dance is all right. It's quite a nice hobby. There's nothing wrong with that.

Oh, yes, it's nice, you see, but it's not enough.

Don't you see I'm lonely?

I am desperately lonely.

But you don't want to be like that. I mean, you know what they say. For every

man, there's a woman. You can't complain about that. I'm not complaining about

it. I just want to get in on it.

Well, all this has got nothing to do with me, has it? Oh, hasn't it? And how

you think I feel, eh?

Seeing you Saturday after Saturday in the King's Road with your tight T -shirt

and your open -neck trousers.

Floating your lovely body, inflaming all those women.

Oh, how do you think I feel?

Don't be silly.

Look, you don't understand. I'm secretly and unofficially engaged to Elsie.

Well, what's this Elsie got that I haven't got?

Nothing, only she ain't had it for quite so long.

Come and sit down.

Well, all right, stop treating me like a child.

I mean, honestly, in six months' time, I should be allowed to vote.

Look, have a taste.

All right.

Thank you very much. Naughty, naughty.

Why? Well, if that had been me, I'd have taken the small one.

You've got the bleeding thing, haven't you?

Did you make

these

ice creams yourself?

Oh, that's very nice. Let's have a little taste.

Mmm. I say...

We might get slim on lemon juice, but never on sundaes.

That beer looks a bit pale.

Oh, it's nice, though. You got any fags?

Oh, it's the one thing I forgot. I'll pop next door and get some. Right,

very much.

Oh, she's a nice little body, isn't she?

She gets the door open.

I can escape.

I can go home. I should see my little house before they pull it down.

to put up a slum.

I should have some of my mother's homemade chipolatas.

What tastes like dentist's fingers.

I'll meet Elsie and her mother when they come out of work at the slaughterhouse.

I should see my goldfish again.

The only ones that open their mouth without asking for something.

I should have some of my mother's homemade flaky pastry.

It tastes like eating a wet book.

You're in a foul.

Go on. Hello.

Who's calling the Golden Shot?

Mrs. Madge opens the door. Hello, Madge. From Bingley. Yes, I know it. It's on

the way from Mulder Shot, Cow Shot, Bag Shot and... Oh, well, isn't it? I know

it well.

You're the beauty queen.

starting from now.

This contestant, Bob, has got, um... 73.

73.

And the other contestant... Señor.

Good morning. I'd like to buy a gramophone record. Perdón.

They play it in the cafe across the road every day.

Record round with a hole in the middle. I want... Ah, si,

senor. Comprendo. Diez pesitas.

Now, what can I say about my guest tonight that hasn't already been said

piles? He has been described as a legend in his own mind, more

dynamic than Derek Nimmo, sexier than Malcolm Muggeridge, and more

than Huey Green.

Songs like I Can't Leave Her Behind Alone, I Can't Leave Her Behind Alone,

and What Is This Thing Called, Love?

have made him a household name in places as far apart as Brighton and Hull.

With three numbers in the top ten in Macedonia, his voice has been described

sounding like someone breaking wind.

Oh, like someone breaking a window.

I have been a fan of his since he came on the scene in the late 50s and early

60s. He is, of course... Text, text.

Well,

welcome to the show, Tex. Now then, Tex, you're young, you're good -looking,

you're rich, you're famous, and you've bought your mother a house in Pinner.

Everywhere you go, beautiful women throw themselves at you. But tell me,

honestly, does it really make you happy?

Yeah, um...

That's

really most enlightening.

Let's get back now to the beginning text. I mean, how did it all start?

Well, I've always wanted to make something of my life, you know. I've

wanted to be respected.

Albert Schweitzer or Mick Jagger or, you know, one of that lot.

And I've got, like I said, full of words, poetry and all that. I've got all

these words in my head all the time. And it's like, when I feel like a nice

-looking bird, I just can't wait to get them down.

You know what I mean?

But I want to go to school.

And with Scotland right here at the top, and, of course, the Ale of Man, which

is...

Oh,

that Tex.

He knew far too many vulgar songs for my liking.

Quite disgusting, some of them were.

You mean he actually sang them in class?

No, but he whistled them.

Importantly, I've always had this rather wonderful book on child psychology.

I used to belt him round the head with that.

But I blame his probation officer, you know. He was far too lax at it.

He was either a man to boot as well, or something awfully strange about him.

of course, were present when Tex and his group played at the Denby Town Hall.

That is quite right.

What a commotion they called.

How? Well, they was holding an odd fellow's gathering.

I mean, they didn't expect jubilant delinquents, not on a night like that.

Was it a testimonial dinner?

I don't know. Any other drink?

But the lady Maris, who was sitting on my right hand, well, not like sitting on

it, you know, said to me, would you ever a juvenile delinquent?

I nearly was, said I, but I managed to stop myself in time.

How, said she.

I grew up, said I.

At least the Lady Marist, who is rather on the plump side, fairly shook with

laughter.

They must have been quite a handful.

Oh, yes,

yes, they was as well, yes. But, I mean, I myself, I'm more for the quiet

genital way of life. I couldn't carry on like texture, thank you.

All right.

Well, it does, like, get a bit hectic, you know, like in a recording studio.

It's knowing that your door is always open and your path is free to walk.

It makes me tend to leave my sleeping bag rolled up and desk behind your

And it's knowing I'm not shackled by forgotten words and bonds and the ink

stains that have dried upon some lines.

It keeps you in the back roads by the rivers of my memory.

It keeps you ever gentle on my mind.

Gentle on my mind.

Gentle on my mind.

Gentle on my mind.

That's

lovely.

That was his first guitar.

He got it from the works raffle.

He won it?

No, he...

But, you know, they were never so proud of him. We're all proud of him, really,

you know.

Even his old school. And you had to be recommended by a magistrate even to get

in there.

They had a speech day the other day and they wanted him to go along and present

the prizes.

And you see, he had this kipper for his breakfast and I think it must have been

off or something because he was out the back all day long.

Consequently, he couldn't go along and... Officiate.

I told you, it was a kipper, you know.

And I'm not just saying that because he's my brother.

Because Arnold would... Oh, I'm sorry.

You didn't know his name was Arnold, did you? It is Arnold.

Arnold Bibby.

But there's nothing he wouldn't do for Mother and me.

And that's about all he's ever done for us.

Well,

everybody's making it so blooming marvellous and wonderful, and

making it that things are what they are not, and they are not.

And which one's that?

Yes.

And what about Angela and the baby and my bicycle pump?

He's a lovely boy. Why do you want to say he's my son?

I won't hear it. I wonder what about this lovely reference they give him,

lovely reference he says. He says he's noble and honest and hardworking and

industrious. Mother, that is not a reference. That is a wane machine,

I won't hear it. I won't hear it. He's my son. Look what he brought me back

America.

son brought that back all the way from America, from the deep south, from Mrs.

Pissy. Look at that.

It's real mint julep, that is.

There you are.

Cheers.

Yeah, well, American tour.

That was something else, man.

Six years ago when I first heard his album, I just went, what?

You know what? I wet my knickers.

That's about all.

But that was six years ago.

Oh, I mean just now.

And I went, what?

Thank God I've done it again.

Thank God I've done it again. He means so much to us kids. Honest, he's a

wonderful person because he's like our leader. He's like our God.

Because, you know, after Vietnam and Nixon and Watergate and I knew and all

that, he's all we've got left.

You see, he's all we've got. Tex is all we've got.

Tex is all we've got.

He's all we've got.

Help.

carries the melody.

We'll be hearing from the Irish band leader, Edmund Ross, and his sextet. And

we'll be seeing Elton John tackling a bowl full of salad, a so -called ballad.

And we'll be seeing Elton John's voice.

We were to have had Elton Stardust, but unfortunately his voice is gone, and to

him trying to get that very large agenda of his into his very tight schedules.

But we do have somebody.

with us tonight, who was on the Tech Symbol American tour, and that is

and western stylist Hank Key.

Hank, you've only just arrived in this country, haven't you?

I'd have been at the studio sooner, only at the airport this security lady had

to search me.

It took so long.

No, but I went back for seconds.

Ooh -wee!

Naturally. But I believe that this tour, the American tour of Tech Symbol, was

really quite something.

Oh, sure as hell was. I remember the first night out, my lady singer, she

strapless evening gown.

I wouldn't have minded, only she had wash for a V -neck.

And old Shag says to her, he says, I don't see what keeps that dress up. She

says, you play your cards right and you will.

She had no right talking to him like that, though. I was going to fire her. I

was going to sack her. She said, boss, don't sack me. She said, I'll do

if you'll forgive me. Just anything.

So I forgave her.

I forgave her four times.

Now,

I'm joshing. He a fine boy. Why, he bought me these here spurs.

That's made of real Sheffield steel.

Real Sheffield steel, M .R. And you... Oh, darn it.

I didn't know they was heavy as that.

Well, now, let's look now at Tex Simba when he made his first big success with

his first number one on top of the Pops.

If I were a squirrel, I'd frolic in the grass.

I'd climb up all the chestnut trees and I'd slide down on my panties.

If I were a salmon, I would swim just beneath the ice.

And when the girls came gazing past, wouldn't it be nice?

I long to hold a loving hand in mine. Long to see a lovely face.

Long to kiss lips as red as wine.

Yes,

I am just a lonely boy and I'm not born alone.

I long to have a little girl that I can call my own.

I long to hold a loving hand in mine. Long to see a lovely face.

I wore a paycheck.

Every day I'd fly around to see my mother -in -law and I'd write in her

eyes.

But I'm just an unlucky lad, so unlucky it has often been said.

If I was Sophia Lawrence, baby boy, oh, I'd be bottle -fed.

I long to have a little girl that I can

call my own.

I long to hold a lovely hand in mine. I long to be a lovely bear.

I long to be...

And you need to tell me, Ted,

that with all this success, your lifestyle hasn't changed one little bit.

No, not one little bit.

Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for joining us, and we look

forward to seeing you all again very, very soon. But until then, may I just

leave you with this thought.

Let go.