Original subtitles

This is mighty, this is the strongest, mighty for men.

The one that gives non -stop 24 hours of aid protection.

Mighty, the deodorant for men.

It's mighty strong, it's right for men.

For mighty men.

Mark,

I can't get my arm down.

Mark, I can't go home like this.

Mark!

Yes, it's the Benny Hill Show with a host of all -time favorites, Milligan

Luther. Well, it is one of those songs that you hear now and then.

You don't know just where and you don't know just when.

It's one of those songs that is over and then.

One of those songs that is over and then. One of those songs.

A naval duo.

A naval

duo.

to El Paso one morning about half past ten.

Had me a beer and some pork and some beans and then I blew out again.

I saw her, she was stood in the doorway.

She was one of the real high -class sort.

And the perfume she wore was called Toujours L 'Amour and it cost damn near

cents a quart.

For this was the Rose of El Paso with the red rambling rose in her hair.

But as I drew closer, I saw with surprise that the red rose was growing

She told me that she lived with her parents and her pet crocodile feeder and

Mike. I said, where the heck do your crocodiles sleep? And she said, anywhere

that they like.

One day she ran in from the forest where her face had been scarred by a bear.

So the surgeon, he grafted on some of my skin.

From a place where I've plenty to spare.

Now when she thanks me for saving her beauty.

I'll say there is no need to speak.

Cause I'm amply rewarded each time that I see. Your mother kiss you on the

cheek. I won't marry the rose of El Paso.

For my family motto forbid.

It's okay I'm sure with my ma and my pa.

But it would upset my wife and forgive.

It's the actual blowpipe that the abos, or rather, I should call them abo, isn't

it, use when they're out killing the kangaroos. They actually use that

Well, they don't anymore. They're here to go. But now they pursue much more

peaceful pastimes, and they make these absolutely splendid didgeridoos. And if

you've never heard of didgeridoo, it's really right out of this world. It's got

a sound, all of its sound. I'll give you a rough idea of what it sounds like. It

sounds like this.

I'm sorry, but I say, Mark, that dart's poisonous.

Oh, Lord, who's going to suck the poison out? Me! Me!

Me! Me!

Me! Me!

Lolly, Lolly, you won't believe it.

Miriam and I have got a son, a little boy.

Would you believe it? After six daughters, a son, a little boy.

Does he look like you or Miriam?

I don't know. We haven't looked at his face yet.

One of the most beautiful things, one of the most beautiful sights that you find

anywhere in the world is the sunset out in the outback. It really is one of the

most beautiful... Now, with the aid of the younger generation,

I'd like to give you a rough idea of what it looks like. It really is

beautiful because up here you have that great big yellow ball there, that great

ball of fire up there. It's blazing away throughout the...

Throughout the day, it's blazing away, and that, of course, is the sun, and it

casts a big black shadow, this great deep black shadow all around.

I'm speaking to you from Thames Television,

where I'm hoping to talk to one of the hard -working producers responsible for

their enormous output.

Good evening, sir.

Thank you, Miss Goossens. That will be all.

Good evening, sir. Good evening, viewers.

I, um... I have with me now Mr. Frederick Forsythe Scuttle. D .B .T

.C. D .B .T .C. Don't bend the card.

Mr. Scuttle, what new programs have you got to tickle the viewers' fancies in

the coming year?

I don't think we're going to tickle their fancies so much as chill their

With? with a brand new series of horror plays, starting with Tales of Misery and

Imagination by Edgar Allan Flowerpots, followed very swiftly by The

Monster from Beneath the BBC, played by Robin Day.

He will wear a mask.

Oh, yes, we don't upset the kids, do we, sir?

And then a resumption of our very successful... Successful trilogy in four

called Truth is Stranger Than Friction.

You believe that? I certainly do, sir. Let me ask you something, sir. Do you

think it is strange that in a cat's fur there are only two holes?

Very conveniently placed where his eyes are.

Does it not seem strange to you, sir?

That just enough occurs each day to fill every newspaper in the world.

You're thinking of yourself.

When God created man, glasses hadn't been invented, but look where he put our

ears.

And I'll tell you, sir, there are actually words in existence, sir,

words, which foretell the future.

Almanacs. It's true, sir.

You must not mock the unknown, sir. The first one's been out. Did you not see

it, sir? What is it about? It is about a frustrated furrier from

Felixstowe who has crossed a mink with a gorilla and produced a ready

-made fur coat.

But the sleeves are too long.

That's what upsets him, sir.

Also, his wife put Lenore in his bath.

Not the girl Lenore. She poured some Lenore in.

And everything came out soft and fluffy.

Also, sir, he has an assistant called Weirdo, who's a very strange -looking

sir. He once sent off for a mail -order haircut, and they sent him back the

wrong head.

That upsets him, sir. And he has what we in the trade call an oedipus complex.

Oedipus? He hates cats.

Where did he get it? Out of Reader's Digest.

Now then, sir, one day he is driving up the M12 when he suddenly and

mysteriously takes an O -turn.

An O -turn? He starts off as a U -turn, but he changes his mind.

And he ends up outside a taxidermist's house. Now, as he arrives there, the

taxidermist is just stuffing a chicken into the oven.

The door is opened by his young daughter, and when she sees this

front of her, she lets out a startled cry, sir. So horrible, sir. And as he

rushes past her in the doorway, sir... She feels hysterical? Never lays a

on him, sir.

When he gets inside, sir, he sees on his workbench an uncompleted

Siamese cat.

It's half finished. Completely Siamese, sir.

Seeing this cat, sir, seems him absolutely mazurka, sir.

Completely burlesque, he goes.

He picks up an iron bar and he advances towards the cat. The man says, what are

you going to do with that Siamese cat, mate? He says, I'm going to give it a

Bangkok.

He's enough to stop me out of it, sir. But you see, sir, this attack upon the

cat... You see, reads him of his fear of cats, but ipso facto.

Cum granum cilia.

Oni suarci melli. Watch it.

He instills into him the belief that he himself is a cat, you see, sir.

Does this have any effect on his life?

Of course it does, you great pillock.

I mean, the larder's full of fish eggs and the bath's full of milk. He never

takes a bath, sir, because he's like a cat in every way, you see.

How does he clean himself?

With great difficulty.

That was the scene that got us the Oscar, you know, sir. The critics liked

The critics went, the Exchange and Mark said, if I had not seen him with my own

eyes, I would not have believed it.

The West End magazine, arts and farces.

Said it makes old Calcutta look like a blue Peter.

The TV Times referred to it as poetry in motion.

And the Sydney Herald said a feast for the eyes, a treat for the ears, good on

your cobblers.

Those are things they like to do.

What about new talent?

Oh, we've got a load of that, sir.

Yes, we've got a programme full of it, which I can see it. It's marvellous,

It's coming on now.

Hang on. It'll be up there any second now.

Yum!

Achoo!

Achoo!

Achoo! Are you the racist?

Did you lose?

How much? Ten pounds?

Hundred pounds?

Thousand pounds?

If I lost a thousand pounds, I think I'd cut my throat.

Thank you. And now, ladies and gentlemen, will you welcome the

Diana Darby!

It's oh so nice to go to...

To Paris, London, and Rome.

It's oh so nice to go traveling.

But it's so much nicer, yes, it's so much nicer to come home.

It's very nice to just wander the camel route to

Iraq. It's oh so nice.

to just wonder but it's so much nicer yes it's so so nice to wonder back

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'll serve you Turkish tea and give your head a

Persian hug.

Climb up the wall.

Climb up the wall.

Climb up the wall.

La vente!

But it's so much nicer, yes, it's so much nicer to come home.

No more customs.

Burn those passport.

No more packing.

I'll stay at home with you.

I'm a fly.

I'm carrying the entire world.

But the one overriding ambition of Ernest Potts and his gang

was to commit the perfect crime.

They had indulged in all forms of criminal activity without success,

I might add.

They tried their hands at petty larceny.

And they tried their hands at armed robbery.

Give me the money!

Give me the money!

Give me the money! Give me the money! Give me the money! Give me the money!

me the money!

Give me the money!

And then one day, Ernest Potts saw a film about

Confidence tricksters.

No, but this was the big one.

I mean, you don't think, do you, Arnold?

I mean, when we done that bank job and I said put something on your face, I

meant a stocking or a mask.

Not brute for men.

Even if it does suit you. I mean, your own family is the same. It was your

grandfather. Confessed to a life of crime on his deathbed.

And then got better.

When he was down in the factory, he was on strike for three weeks before anyone

noticed it.

And that dog of yours, you told me you trained it. I yelled ill and he bloody

well bit it.

I don't know, I'm sure. I mean, it's that you don't take care of yourself.

you snatch the old lady's handbag, you give yourself a hernia.

You'll end up like Porky Potmore, you will. He was just like you, abby -go

-lucky, full of fun.

that he was married.

Don't think, do you?

Hello? Bruce!

Get your backside radio right away.

I can't help about your fiancée, can I? She gone and got her finger stuck in a

zipper.

Well, I don't mean to say you've got to stay with her, does it?

Oh, does it?

Well, you'll have to bring her with you, won't you?

Don't come down the... the high street, will you? Otherwise, someone will chuck

a bucket of water over you.

I see they're looking for a new cashier down at the bank.

Well, they took one on only a fortnight ago.

That's the one they're looking for.

He's only six foot tall and ten thousand pounds short.

No,

you never know. Oi, oi, oi!

What do you call this?

That's a watch.

I couldn't help it. There was this chap down at the supermarket.

Lost a £5 note he did. What's that got to do with you?

I was stood on it.

Now, look here, lads. This is the plan.

Right. Now, you must understand that Max Treader, the bookie, he goes to Denby

races every weekend, don't he? Every Saturday. And he always passes the Rose

Crown. Now, next Saturday, what we does, we sprinkle some tin tacks in the road

here. He gets a puncture, goes straight into the Rose and Crown, where we're...

waiting to take him. What do you think of that, eh?

I'm glad you approve of some of my ideas.

What's all this then? You were supposed to be here at two o 'clock.

Sorry I'm late. Well, I'm not having you. I mean, you can't help being late,

you?

No, I mean, women always start to make mistakes once, aren't they? You're

my dear.

All right, lads, don't get excited.

I think you've never seen a woman before, the way you carry on.

I thought good things came in threes.

You've been eating meat again, haven't you?

Would you like a little drink, darling?

All right, lads, all right.

It's only a woman.

Mind me when you're carrying on.

All right, lads, all right. Well, get your minds off her and let's get our

back on the work like I am.

It's the healthiest time now you're here that we showed you our blueprints.

I don't want to see no dirty photos.

No, not dirty photos, Blueprint. It's our plans, my dear.

You see, now, the lady at the Rose and Crown, the landlady, she'll be on her

this coming weekend.

So next Saturday, you see, I'll see you and I will go there and we'll take a

normal room for the night.

See, right with that settled, then, isn't it?

Take a what?

Take a double room for the night.

I'm not spending the night with you.

Not for a thousand pounds.

Well, that's different.

Hold on here.

How do you know our chair will be a thousand pounds? It could only be a

you know.

I'm not spending the night with you for a quid.

What do you think I am?

Well, we've settled what you are. We're acting over the price now, aren't we?

So we might not have to spend the night there. Anyway, let's get on. Now, who's

going to play the part of the rich American?

I can play that part.

Oh, yes, I can do that very well. But you've got an Irish accent.

Yes, only when I talk.

and mad marines.

This here ain't no chicken unit.

John Wayne says that.

Well, I hope he says it better than you do.

I don't know what I'll have to do now. Don't forget, we all meet there next

Saturday morning.

And I'll see when we get there, do try and act like a wife.

How do I do that?

Carry the bloody cases.

You are married, aren't you? We're married, my dear, yes, we're married. To

other. I mean... Oh, yes, yes, definitely, definitely, yes. I think I'd

see your marriage license.

Well, it so happens that I have it here.

I'll go and get my reading glasses.

All right, Mrs. McTavish.

Dear, you haven't got a marriage license.

What did you give her? I gave her my old dog license, didn't I?

She won't know the difference, silly old fool.

Hey, you in there, whatever you're doing, stop it, because this isn't for

Let me in.

I can't let you in, my dear. It's a bit... Awkward? I'm taking a bath.

There isn't a bath in there.

That's what's making it awkward.

Look, I must have given you the long license. I'm sorry about that.

Well, I'll let you go at this time. Yeah, right you are, my dear. Now, look,

love, sit down, sit down. Not lightly.

There's no big bugs there.

The cockroach is a bit of all.

Right, what I want you to do is to take down the races, take the races

on ear, right, and the time signals. Careful.

And the time figures, my dear.

And then relay them ten minutes after through the radio in the bar.

Don't forget, you take them down here and you relay them exactly ten minutes

later in the bar. How much later?

I relay them ten minutes later. That's right, my dear.

But whatever you do, let us know the winners first, won't you?

All right.

Lady, I think I could have spent the day fishing. Oh, we all got to make

sacrifices, mate.

Oh, I was supposed to go to me mother -in -law's funeral today.

You should get your nails cut. Now, come on now. And don't forget, put your

watches back ten minutes in all. Your watches.

Right? Ten minutes back.

Everything all right? Oh, everything's fine, my dear. Don't you worry a thing

about it. Everything's lovely. Oh, and you've got nice eyes.

Very pretty, aren't they?

Thanks.

Oh, go on. He loves everything, doesn't he?

Supposing we get caught?

Now, come on, lads. Hurry up. His car will be here any minute.

Hey, what about the road tax?

What road tax? The tax for the road. Don't you like the attitude for being

on the road yet?

Why do I have to think of everything?

It's always me.

Well, here's gratitude for you.

Nothing till I found him.

I mean, after all I've done for you, I even lent him the money to bury his

grandmother.

Reminds me, if I don't get it back by Friday, up she comes.

Don't touch that on the road or I'll knock your head off your great

-grandmother. Gee, this boots is sweaty.

Why, what's that?

It's happy hookah.

It's nothing about fishing at all, isn't it?

Whatever you do, don't...

Don't back the winner of the first race or he gets suspicious.

Remember, don't back the winner of the first race. Right.

Oh, happening, sir.

Why, how are you there, old pard?

Well,

get along, little doggie.

Can you give me a lift to Denby? That I wouldn't like to stay, sir. It's only us

lads here, sir.

Us lads and that...

Incredibly rich American typhoon over there.

Have you got a telephone directory here?

Ah, that'll be at the back, sir. But I wouldn't bother, sir.

It's all, like, cut up into squares now.

It's difficult to follow, you know. It's hanging up on a bit of string.

They don't even have a baton shop down there, old coyote.

If they hadn't took the buses off, I mean, us lot would have been up Denby

ourselves. We'd have had a little flutter, wouldn't we? It's kind of warm

here.

Hop along.

Seeing as you gentlemen are so eager for a little wager, I may be able to

accommodate you.

How would that be, sir?

I happen to be a bookmaker.

Well, I wouldn't have believed that.

No, sir. I had you for a chitting set, sir.

I wouldn't have said you was a bookie, sir. We'll just be in time for the first

race, won't we, sir? No, no. No, that clock's wrong.

No, sir. No, I think your clock's wrong, sir.

That's the time, sir. That is the time. May I?

Could you tell us the time, please?

Three minutes to one, I make it. Hold on.

And with the time at three minutes to one... Well, I must be slow. Yes, you

be slow.

Right, there we are, gentlemen.

Oh, now then.

That's a funny thing.

I had a grapefruit cocktail last night. Yes, I did.

And guess what I had for my breakfast this morning?

Grapefruit.

So I reckon I'll have a pound of weed on Flubrush.

The organs of his mind are very, very complex.

Very complex.

I think I will have a pound on Flubrush as well, I think. And me, and me. I

think I'll have five pounds on Little Mark.

Old potty.

And they're off.

And it's Grubby Boy who seems to be making the running. Are you sure you're

going to afford to lose?

Oh, don't worry about me, sir.

You always say, hurry to bed, hurry to rise, make some... and healthy, wealthy,

and father of a large family.

And the winner of the first race, his great fruit, my election.

I was going to back that one.

What are the chances of getting the first three in their right order?

Well, I'll give you a thousand to one if you care to try it.

Well, well, I think I will.

Just for the laugh, you know.

I'll have ten pence.

Well, I must say, you'll be lucky. I say, you'll be lucky.

You'll be lucky. You'll be lucky.

You'll be lucky. You'll be lucky. You'll be lucky.

You'll be lucky.

You'll be lucky.

You'll be lucky. You'll be

lucky. Irish whiskey.

Ah, that stops slow poison.

Well, I'm in no hurry.

I'm going to smoke king saves bad the whole day long.

Ah, you'll never live to be 30.

Ah, gee.

I've been smoking since I was eight years old and there's nothing wrong with

lung.

Hey, darling, ain't you afraid of prowlers?

Oh, Lord, the thinner onion's out for it.

Mind your own. what it was, didn't he?

Gotcha, now, I thought you'd get away with it, didn't you? Oh, I've been

for this.

Look, look, look, I put in my idea.

Look, we'll give all the money back and we'll never steal another thing again.

Carry on, sir.

Could I buy you a drink?

Oh, no, sir, you can't. See, that clock's ten minutes slow.

And no, we build back. And you're drinking after hours.

That's the only reason I came in here.

Why,

hiya.

Why, hello there. It's me.

Yeah, me.

Oh, come on. Try me with your glasses on.

Yeah, great.

With me tonight, the man behind the martial arts movies, the king of the

cult, director -producer Dre Arthur Mean.

Who is himself good at jujitsu.

Good at heaving a heavy body.

Good at heaving a heavy body.

No, not good at heaving a heavy body. Good at heaving a heavy body.

Good evening, everybody.

Oy vey.

Is that a light machine here?

I believe you're here to look for a leading lady.

A designer.

To look for a designer.

No, reading lady.

A leading lady?

Designer. Hmm?

Designer up.

Up, yeah.

For my next... feature, which will, of course, follow the same pattern as all

other films, in that it will be based on a famous opera.

Why do you say famous me?

You make us sound like Millican and Nosepick.

One of those songs that you hear now and then.

They were singing better tonight than they sung for a long time.

But are some of those Most leisure films I have done have done Barbara of

Seville. Barbara of Seville?

Yes. Have done The Fried Mouse.

The Fried Mouse? Not to mention Marriage of Figaro.

Marriage of Figaro. I said not to mention Marriage of Figaro.

I believe your most recent was La Boheme. Ah, La Boheme.

Your tiny hand is aflozen out of four old plates of meat.

That was a Chinese joke.

I can't hear them clapping.

That was a Chinese joke.

That's nice.

I like it when they clap. They call me Mimi.

They call me Mimi.

You a poof?

I say, you a poof, all right?

I say, do you a poof of a piece of film on the upper left?

A poof?

give you an impression of jackass, only he beat me to it.

Now, your next film is based on the opera... Madame Buttonfly.

And what will you call it?

I don't know. I have been trying to think of a name for two weeks.

How about a fortnight?

I'll come to tea one day. I'll open a gas jet.

Did you have a good rapport with the cast?

Have a what?

Rapport. It's French.

Why, you speak French. You can't speak bloody English.

Tell me, how did you get on with One Hung Low?

One...

both of them.

What? Ah, silly, anybody bring it?

He, Dad, this actor, one long hole, he,

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I

know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know,

don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't

know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know,

don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't

know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know,

don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't

know, I don So he stabbed Roger to Roger. Then he shot wife. Then he set

house with grandparents asleep in bed. Then he cut off head of serving girl.

But where's the sympathetic part?

On the way out, he pat the dog.

That's nice, that's nice.

Well, now we are going to see one of your most recent releases.

Oh, robbery.

I get a flea product.

That's nice.

Thank you.

No, it's a demon.

It's a demon.

advertising young love for sale.

Love expression quite unspoiled, love that's only slightly soiled.

Love.

Who's prepared to pay the price for a trip to paradise?

To sample my ample supply. Giddo.

Who's prepared to pay the price?

Thank you. Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. And we look forward to

seeing you all again very, very soon. Until then, bye -bye.