Original subtitles

Paddy, it's no good. They know where we are.

We surrender.

We surrender. We surrender. We surrender.

This is the Benny Hill Show, with the help of all my favorites, including the

swinging thriftles.

And to resist, so I try.

But if I didn't come here...

Gold and silver.

The first one down, the lovely Marianne Faithfull.

The hero, Gino.

The hero, Gino.

And the lad is called Jerry Hill.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is not

generally known that the island of Luana or Polynesia to be Pacific.

Oh, God.

has the largest female population in the world.

And when I say large, I don't mean numbers. I mean they are big.

God, they are big!

Oh, the pains are coming back.

But the average size of the average Loenese woman is 52.

19.

Because nothing will grow in the shade out there.

Everyone's cups of tea.

But personally, I look at it like this.

They make my wife look like a midget because my wife's only about so

high.

God, she is stupid. The other day they gave her the key to the city.

She locked herself out.

Thank God. But while I was in Luana, I had the pleasure.

several times of meeting the chief there

and his 17 wives.

17! God, all that meat and no potatoes.

He was a funny little fellow, you know, white hair and wizened old little nog

hands, about 30.

He wrote a very beautiful song once, and it was only four verses long, and I

have translated it into English. In English, it is called... She was only a

stockbroker's daughter, but everyone got his share.

Please yourself.

Well, he wrote these four verses, and before he could write the fifth verse,

got trapped in a revolving door with two hula -hula dancers.

Big ones!

And he was massaged to death.

song now there's only four verses not quite cute so here we go with his on the

beach in Waikiki there lives a lovely maid who cannot keep her body still when

her favorite song is played but if you sing the chorus in Hawaiian they say

she'll appear not only will she dance but she'll give you her souvenir her

goes

little bit quicker.

One day she bought a book so she could learn to water ski.

Then she spent a fortnight looking for a sloping sea.

But with Luna in her long grass skirt, the excitement never stopped.

And all the farmers say they love the way that she rotates her crops.

a pigeon on a hot pavement.

I'd love to see her in 3D.

That's my room number.

Third verse.

We lay upon the sand one day beneath the cloudless sky.

I bought her a crimson rose to match her bloodshot eyes. Oh, she got a little

bolder. My shy young thing, I said. She got a little bolder and she dropped it

on my head.

Manuna. Reminds me I must get some hot -cooked frozen fruit.

Hang on to your hernia belt.

Fourth and last verse. Okay.

He said you give me half a crown and I will read your palm.

Then she saw my love line went halfway up me arm. So now she's changed her

prices, although she's just as willing.

It's big fat men at two pound ten and little boys a shilling.

Come on, kids, all right!

won't disappoint them. I'll tell you what, I'll give you a roll on the drum.

Manuna, Manuna, Manuna. Just a minute, what does Manuna mean?

It is what girls say to boys while walking through cow field.

She say, don't tread in Manuna.

Lord Denby, a footman, gardener and handyman.

While Lady Denby's maid

was a charming creature named Emily Turnbull.

And on Sundays, George would entertain his lordship's guests on the flute.

While Miss Emily played the virginal.

She didn't fool anyone.

So it came as no surprise to the village when on September the 15th, 1907, they

became man and wife.

Their honeymoon was spent in Bognor Regis.

and her son Gavin, after a sailor she once used.

Listen to him talk.

Aye, and he'm only seven years old.

There's musical he is.

1914, and George Blod was sent to fight in German East Africa.

He never returned.

Instead, he married a Ubangi lady and settled in Congo.

Heartbroken, Emily went to live at Frinton -on -Sea.

Her many kind friends set up a fund to send little Gavin to Milan, or Paris, or

anywhere.

After all, boys will be boys.

Nescaf. Nescaf.

But, you know, as a child, Gavin was a delicate, sensitive, rather... highly

strong little boy.

But at this time he was helping me to write my

music for the dance.

Your belly, sweet.

Oh, thank you very much.

Oh,

pardon. After that, you see, he began decomposing all by

himself.

1939. The war clouds were gathering.

In England, young men gallantly answered the call to arms.

Gavin Blod was no exception.

for the front. On the dockside crowds were singing and cheering and laughing

because they weren't going.

his love of music into others.

Gavin was tireless in his efforts to entertain his fellow children.

only escape.

Two days afterwards, Germany surrendered and Gavin settled down in Vienna.

You know, during the war, everybody

here in Vienna was poor.

I was poor, my wife was poor, the butler was poor, the maid was poor.

But it was this poverty that brought all the people together.

You would see advertisements in the newspaper saying, Communists with a

and fork wishes to meet capitalists with steak and kidney pudding.

Bravo!

Dankeschön.

I think that Gavin Vlad came here for the music.

After all, where else but in Vienna would you find music?

Like this.

Played with Dutch.

And I would say, Al, would you find musicians like this? Will you shut your

bloody mouth?

But, you know, seriously, I think that the cause of Gavin's

downfall was Maria the opera singer.

She was dead a woman.

That's what everybody kept asking.

In 1949, Gavin fell in love with opera singer Maria Carlo. It was her voice

first attracted him.

1950.

Gavin returned to England.

He was a wonderful man. He was a wonderful man.

He could play anything.

He would kneel up in the serenade. He would play Finkel's Cave or

Overture of the Hebrides. He played that. I mean, the four Indian love

Amy Woodford Bypass.

I mean,

you could be in a pub with him all night long and you would never even know he

had a penny.

He used to say, I'll drink to my two favourite composers.

Mozart and Liszt.

No, he only drank champagne.

And then he wrote this, what they call it, electronic music for the

documentary about the new computerised postal service.

What happened?

He got lost in the post.

In the advent of pop, there was less and less demand for gabby kind of music.

62, overcome with remorse and chronic fatality, he took to his bed where he

remained for three years.

Is the vicar gone yet? No, it wasn't the vicar. It was the doctor.

I thought he was a bit familiar with the vicar.

You've eaten your bread poachers again, haven't you?

Don't worry, old fellow.

We'll have you on your feet in no time.

I don't have a job getting a coffin down these stairs.

And so on May the 12th, 1974, Gavin Blunt died of stomach cancer.

And so he never heard the brass band from the village where he was born, just

outside Wedlock, play his tone poem, Bird of Freedom, which perhaps was just

well.

and we can't drive, and they want toilet, and we can't type, and then over

they want three fellers, and there's only two of us.

Ladies and gentlemen, will you now welcome, please, the enchanting Lee

music when he's near you and Christmas comes every day of the

year then you should know why it's the first clue that the

moment of truth is near if every time he

glances your way a million bells start to ring loud and

clear and after one kiss You yell May Day, then the

moment of truth is here.

Oh, promise me starts to sing in your ear.

You're wide awake girl.

Promise me.

He wasn't walking very fast.

Look, I'll put out them cookies you made, because guess what? What, Mama?

are going to have a gentleman cola.

A gentleman cola.

A gentleman cola.

Speak to me.

Mama, you act like it's the first time it's ever happened. Well, I've had

gentleman cola.

pull it before.

Well, Mama, I can marry any man I please.

But you don't please any of them, do you?

Look how you treated that poor Knowerton Short.

Poor Knowerton Short?

Mama, Knowerton Short was not a knower -mower man.

Oh, but his own driving movie.

So as he could look at the wall -to -wall carpet.

He left the people over 70 and free.

Only if they was accompanied by their parents.

Were you faithful to him? Mama, I was faithful to Norton Short several times.

Why did you ask Elmer Briggs? Elmer Briggs? Holy cow, Mama. I seen a nice

engagement ring in a jeweler's window, and I said, Elmer, why don't you go buy

it?

I like him because you said he was the city slicker. He was a street cleaner.

Well, that's the same thing.

Baby, we just got to get you a rich husband.

We can't go on like this.

So when he comes, please be nice to him for Mama.

Mama, it is not me that puts him off. It is you.

Mama, do you remember when you had to drive Jed and me down to the Clambake?

were sitting in the back of the van. sparking and all you had to do was

the white line down the center of the road, you had to go and follow a cow

was late for milking.

When we got to the clam bank, you had to go and put an egg in your malted milk.

Well, lots of people have egg in their malted milk. But not fried, Mama.

And then when you seen Jed's poor grandpappy's tombstone there hanging on

that long piece of wire, you had to go and say, I see you got the phone put in.

Do you remember, Mama, when I was a little bitty baby, whenever I fell down

hurt my knee?

I used to come to you, didn't I, Mama? And I'd say, Mama, can I have a cookie?

And when I lost my tidy buyer and my wooly offender and

my little dollies, I used to come and I'd say, Mama, can I have a cookie?

And then, that day when my own dear, sweet, wonderful little pet skunk

I said, Mama, can I have a cookie?

No. Now, what did you bloody give me one? I don't have no money.

I don't care. I'm taking them up Choctaw Ridge because I like to eat them up

there. Don't know why it's so quiet up there. It's like a graveyard.

Child, I never told you this before, but your daddy proposed to me on Choctaw

Ridge. And when I accepted him, he was so...

three daughters are all pregnant and they claim that you are responsible.

Is that true, Lester?

Lester, I do believe you're blushing.

Lester, that is the twelfth time that it's happened this year and it's only

January the fourth.

Lester.

The door, ma 'am.

I have to believe it is.

Now, don't rush yourself. You better go and have a lie down.

and I'd like to see you too.

Why, Mr.

Arbustnut, my, you look so immaculate, don't he, sissy?

Yeah. Oh, this is my daughter, sissy.

Hi. Not from here, you wink.

Now, why don't you join Mr.

Arbustnut? Why, is he coming to part?

It's a little warm for this time of the year.

It sure as hell is. Why, I'm sweating like a horse's armpit.

Well, who wanted to marry my daughter, sissy? Only the mayor.

He was corrupt.

I seen him in church on Sunday. So did I. He crept into the crypt.

I guess you two young 'uns would like to

be left alone.

Yeah, sure as hell would.

Why didn't you mind the mayor?

On account of a name he called me.

What name was that?

Well, I don't rightly remember, but I know it began with the B.

Was it beautiful?

No, it wasn't beautiful.

Baby? No, it wasn't baby.

It wasn't? No, it wasn't.

And it began with a B.

Oh, I remember now.

Honey.

My, but you're an interesting and exciting little critter, ain't you?

I'm a little shy.

Well, ugly little four -eyed skinny baldy shrimp like you ought to have more

confidence.

You don't have a terrible picture of me? I look like a monkey.

You should have thought of that before you had it taken.

I thought that, yeah, I thought that, yeah.

Oh, ain't no two ways about it. You sure are an ugly little critter, ain't you?

Well, I didn't ask to be born.

You didn't want to stay where you were, did you?

Did you get out? No, I didn't. Okay, then. Listen, listen, listen.

Someone left the gas on. What's going on?

What? I have a very important question I want to ask.

Then hold everything you want to ask.

Mrs. Shippy, you know my Martha has been gone three years.

She ought to be there by now.

But I've been faithful.

I think adultery's just as wicked as murder. Don't you agree, Sissy?

I don't know. I ain't never killed no one myself.

Mrs. Shippy, will you marry me?

Me? I thought you wanted to marry Sissy here.

What? That great ugly lump? I wouldn't kiss her with a set of boned lips.

I have never been so insulted in all my life.

That's because you don't get around enough.

Why... Why, of course I'll marry you.

But what's going to happen to my little girl? Don't worry about me, Mama. I know

who I'm going to marry. Hey, Lester!

Child! Are you out of your cotton -picking mind, Mary Lester? Why, he

breathe. I know that.

He can't write.

I know that.

He can't even speak proper.

I know that.

Well, what in heaven's name can he do?

Come on.

I think you remember that last week's winner was Peter Potty and his

pig.

He will not be going on to our all -winner show on February 31st, as last

he had a rather lean week and had to eat the act.

His place will be taken by the act that came in second, that very talented

soprano from Cardiff, Arthur Treader.

And so we come to our last act this evening. They come from British West

They are all related to each other. They've done two cabal performances on

Woolwich Ferry.

They've appeared in front of the President of the United Dairies. And

the versatile Bentwoods.

That was right.

And let's meet the youngest member of the family.

Could I have a chair, please?

Thank you. Why don't you throw it on?

Hello, my little man.

What's your name?

They call me Jolly Jack.

Ta. You're welcome.

Never mind about that, then.

Tell me, what hung like you?

Yes, three brothers.

Vladimir, Ivan, and... Igor.

Tell me, were your parents Russian?

No, they just took their time.

Never mind about that, then.

Cormis, if I told you you had a lovely figure, would you hold it against me?

Never mind about that, then.

I hope she never gets a cold in the chest. It won't want to go.

Never mind about that, then. What are you going to do with that?

I am going to drink this beer. And what am I going to do while you're drinking?

Recite the alphabet.

Recite the alphabet!

Incotical!

Ha -ha.

We'll just see whether it's incotical or... incotical or not.

Right, ready? Off you go. Right. A, B, C, D, E, F.

A little bit of magic for the... That's the idea.

Right, get off.

Here we are.

Here we are.

Right.

Don't worry, children.

The quickness of the hand is the exact of the eye.

Doggo, you know, that little toy there.

I probably cost you quite a lot of money in any big store over Christmas with

just a few little ordinary party balloons.

Put it down. Put it down.

Put it down!

Yeah, he gives him a nice long straight body. I'll take a second.

Oh!

A few partly balloons.

Nice thin body.

That's the idea.

And there we have a lovely toy that has probably cost you quite a lot of money.

have the versatile ventures.

Now, are they going to beat tonight's winner so far, who is happy backs with a

hundred and seven?

Well, we'll soon find out as we go for Mark's presentation, Ted Ray.

Well, you know, I come from a large family myself.

Well, fourteen of us, really.

We used to put Mother on a pedestal. We had her to keep her away from Father.

But I must say, I like the tiny fellow.

Reminded me of my father, Arthur Askey.

Arthur Askey. He's a nice little thing.

Has he really? I didn't know that.

No, I thought they were very good. Well done. And they should be. Now, how about

you, Vicky, both?

Uh, yeah.

Well, I think their scene and their dancing was interesting and exciting.

Their acting was quite nice, quite refreshing. Actually, terrific.

But, um, you know, I've handled them all.

Beatles, I've handled them.

And, uh, Milliken and Nesbitt, I've handled them. And Kathy Kirby? No, I've

never handled them.

I've never represented her, you know, but I think they're a very good act.

should go a long way.

The sooner they start, the better.

Clifford David.

Well, now, I do know a little bit about magic myself.

Now you see it, now you don't. Now you see it, now you don't. Now you see it,

now you don't?

Sounds like a nudist rolling down a hill.

I thought the magician was perhaps just a tiny bit unlucky.

I think if he'd just cut a lady in half, he'd have probably got the half that he

eats.

But all in all, no, jolly good. I give them nine.

Tony Hatch?

Yeah. Well, you know, I like to play whenever I possibly can, but I still

that in this case. I mean, that woman who sang, she had rather a peculiar

for a woman.

Or a man.

Or a camel.

But, I mean, she could sing on What's My Line for a couple of hours and still

fool them.

It seems to me that she's trying to emulate Cilla Black.

I'm not absolutely sure that the world's ready for another Cilla Black.

I'm not even sure they were ready for the first.

Right,

now, well, that makes quite a lot.

Now, that's for content, Ted. Well, I believe in life, liberty, and the

of record wealth.

Vicky Boast.

No, I'd only give him half that.

Six.

Clifford Davis.

They were worth more than that.

Four.

How about you, Tony Hatch? Two.

Well, that makes around 30.

Well, somewhere around... Take the star quality.

Oh, I think definitely six.

Six.

Ricky Boat?

Well, I'd like to give the little old man three, give the old bird two, and

little blonde, I'd like to give her one.

I mean, I'd like to give her one. I'd like her to have one, like.

Make her 18 -all.

What do you say, Clifford?

I thought the contortionist was perhaps stretching things a little bit too far,

but that's only one way of looking at it.

All in all, a resounding success. Congratulations.

Give them three.

Toby Hatch, are you feeling any more generous?

Well, I got up at seven this morning, and I came here at seven, and it's

seven of them in the act, so I'll give them two.

This is in all 101, so Happy Bats is still the winner with 107.

Thank you.

Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Bless you.

Thank you for joining us and we look forward to seeing you all again very

soon. Until then, bye bye.

Thank you.