Original subtitles

[jjj]

♪ There's a time for love And a time for living ♪

♪ You take a chance And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life Around the bend ♪

♪ Nights are long But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand new life Brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand new life Around the bend ♪

[jjj]

♪ Drinkin' rum And Coca-Cola ♪

♪ Go down Point Koomahnah ♪

♪ Both mother And daughter ♪

♪ Workin' For the Yankee dollar ♪

[GRUNTING]

Get-- Ow! Ugh.

Ow.

All right, now you're really getting me mad.

Hey, knock it off.

Why are you sitting on my brother?

Hi, Mona. How was your day?

BOY: Ow. Ow.

Beat it, you big bully. Ow, ow, ow.

Why don't you go home

and help your mother set the table?

Well, I guess I showed him.

Yeah. His fist couldn't take much more.

Well, he said you kissed Jimmy Wilson

in the backseat of his father's Hudson.

That's not true.

It was a Studebaker.

MOTHER: Mona! Cornelius!

Time to wash up for dinner.

All right.

♪ Go down Point Koomahnah ♪

♪ Both mother And daughter ♪

You won't tell Mom I've been fighting, will you?

Depends.

[SCOFFS] What do you want money for now?

Betty Grable bathing suit.

[GIGGLES]

How will you hold it up?

Mom, guess what Cornelius--

Okay, okay, okay.

It's a deal.

Deal.

Cornball.

Don't call me that.

You don't know who you're fooling with.

Who? Superman?

Yeah.

Up, up and away!

So you can fly. Big deal.

Hey, watch out for the barn!

[BANGING]

Oh, brother.

And then the dumb alarm went off.

[GIGGLES]

That was a great dream, Mona.

What do you think it meant?

I think it was one of those sibling rivalry,

wish-fulfillment things, you know? Heh.

That or the burrito

I wolfed down at midnight. Heh.

[TONY CHUCKLING]

I guess I've always seen Cornelius

as someone who aimed for the stars.

Heh. Well, at least he hit the broadside of a barn.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Mother.

Mother, I put together a care package.

Oh, well, thank you, dear,

but I'm only going to New York for the weekend.

No, it's for Uncle Cornelius.

I thought after all that time in the service,

that he might enjoy some things like a little bowtie,

see, and a golf cap, hmm, and...

Oh, a Hawaiian shirt. Huh?

And, uh...

Argyle socks. Gee,

he'll be the best-dressed guy in Manhattan.

[CHUCKLES]

Mona, you must be so excited.

How long has it been since you two got together?

Well, it must be over three years.

Gee, Mona, that's a long time not to see your own brother.

No, it's just about right.

[♪♪♪]

Alrighty, here you go, folks.

Here are your vouchers.

Now, they entitle you to a window seat on the bus

and a free "I love New York" visor.

Adjustable. Ha, ha.

Here we go, right this way.

Now, you can tell the driver Don West sent you.

He'll take real good care of you.

Do we get to see the Statue of Liberty?

What for? It's on every postcard.

Believe me, you're gonna have a great time in the South Bronx.

We are the world.

Ah!

I just love helping people.

And getting a $10 kickback.

I love that too.

Don, you have no class.

Oh, no?

Well, uh...

check it out.

What do you say, Kitty, you and me, tonight,

opening of the ballet?

Then we drop back to my place and have some real fun.

Will you get it through your head?

I am not your type.

I'm not a pushover. I'm not one of your bimbos.

But you can change.

[SCOFFS]

Oh!

Here we are at last. Ahem.

Welcome to the Nottingham.

You know what, they once made a movie here.

What was it? The Shining.

Guest alert.

[DESK BELL DINGS]

Now, enjoy your stay here, and, uh, ahem,

if a pigeon gets caught in your room,

they like to be scratched.

Right here.

Uh-huh. Heh.

Hi. Hi.

I'm Kitty McClaren,

and I'm here to welcome you

and make your stay a pleasant one.

Oh, good.

I'd like a room, without a pigeon.

Oh, you're Mona Robinson.

Mona Robinson?

Welcome. I'm the concierge,

and your wish is my command.

I have this effect on men.

Mona?

Cornelius!

BOTH: Oh!

Mona. MONA: Oh.

[CORNELIUS CHUCKLING AND MONA SMOOCHES]

You look great.

A little thinner up here, Yeah.

a little thicker down here. Whoa.

Well, you're looking fit.

A little flamboyant,

but I lost that battle years ago.

You certainly did, Cornball.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

[MOUTHS] Cornball?

Don't call me that.

Well? Well, what?

Well, I cannot wait another minute.

What is the big surprise?

You're standing in it.

No, no, no, I--

I mean my hotel.

Did you say your hotel?

As in you bought it?

Heh. Yeah, lock, stock and bed sheets.

Do you like it?

Well, it's, uh...

It's really something. Heh.

Yeah, that's what all the guests say.

MONA: Ah.

This is the worst hotel I have ever stayed in.

I'm terribly sorry, Mrs. Padnick.

Why don't I give you another night at no charge?

No. No, not another night.

Excuse me. I am the owner.

How may I help you?

We've been here three days,

I had a shower in cold water, and we never saw a maid.

I had to walk five blocks to Woolworth's to buy a towel.

Oh, no.

There's a Pick 'n Save right around the corner.

Please try to understand.

We're still working out the bugs.

And that's another thing.

Come on, Irwin.

I don't get it.

Some people don't appreciate a fine hotel.

Well, call me crazy, Cornelius,

but if you buy a hotel,

shouldn't you know something about running it?

I do.

This is the perfect business for a retired military officer.

You billet the troops, you run the mess hall,

you live on the base,

and best of all, everyone wears a uniform.

Well, why didn't you just buy West Point?

You know, I don't understand your attitude.

I mean, you're the one who always said,

"Loosen up. You know, take a chance."

I did.

I thought you, you of all people,

would be happy for me.

Well...

if this is what you want, I am.

You mean it?

Of course I do.

I am happy for you.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Good. Heh.

I'm happy you're happy.

Aw.

And we'll be happy all the way to the bank.

We?

Yeah.

Yes, that's the other surprise.

I put your savings in it too.

You put my savings in this rat hole?

Mona. Get a grip on yourself.

[GROANS]

I'm telling you that this hotel

is a model of efficiency.

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

Taxi!

Missed my stop again.

Oh, brother.

How could you do such a thing?

I mean, what on earth were you thinking about?

Your future.

As what? A bag lady?

It only needed a few minor repairs.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

Here we are.

And very close to the second floor.

I know. We have a few problems,

but I got a great deal.

Good. Then you can give me my money back.

Oh, come on. Give it a chance.

You haven't even seen the roof garden yet.

How do we get there? Climb a rope?

Mona. It's just like you, Mona.

I'm willing to sit down and talk logically.

Oh, you want logic, hmm?

A, this place is a dump. B, you bought it.

C, I hope it falls on you.

Well, I think I've made my point.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

MAN: Come on. No. No. Aah!

Come on, baby.

Mama needs a new pair of wedgies.

Whoo! Oh, blow on these.

Woo-hoo! Here it goes.

[SHRIEKING AND LAUGHING]

Snake eyes. I'll take that.

Well, thanks for nothing. Who invited you?

Wait a minute.

You're not a guest, are you?

Uh, more like a hostage.

Uh-oh. She is a guest. Later.

Give me a hand, will you?

Oh, man, I'm getting too old for this. Heh.

Yeah, a woman your age should have her own crap table.

Uh, tell me something,

does the owner know about this little game?

Old Blood 'n Guts?

No, he's too busy gluing ashtrays

to the nightstands.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, am I hallucinating

or, I mean, is this room a knockout?

It sure is. Heh.

That's why I take my naps here.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Oh, I'm Tessie, the head housekeeper.

I'm Mona, old Blood 'n Guts' sister.

Oh, yeah, I see the resemblance.

Tell me, Tessie, are there more rooms like this?

Yeah, but not in this hotel.

Then why is this suite so elegant?

Well, that Mr. Ratcliff, he was the former owner,

he was a real Don Juan Capistrano.

[CHUCKLING]

He used to keep his main squeeze here.

Ooh, that sounds juicy.

Yeah. Heh.

Oh. Then you're gonna love this.

[TESSIE GIGGLING]

I found her diary. Heh.

And it tells everything.

[GIGGLING]

We always knew when they were up here

because the chandelier in the lobby used to quiver.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

A diary, huh? Heh.

Well...

you mind if I take a look at this?

Well, all right, but I want it back.

I was thinking of selling it to Judith Krantz.

Everything but a trapeze. Heh.

March 29th.

[WHISTLING]

Room service!

Coming.

Hi, Mrs. Robinson.

I'm Eddie, the bellhop.

Uh, doesn't the waiter usually bring room service?

You're right. I'm also Eddie, the waiter.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

See, your brother figured

he'd give me the chance

to learn as many jobs as I could at one time.

Gosh, that man has so much knowledge.

Yes, he's full of it. Heh. Mm.

Yeah.

Oh. Heh.

Here you go, Eddie. This is for you.

Five bucks?

That's the biggest tip I ever got.

Are you sure you're his sister?

Don't you see the resemblance?

[SCOFFS] No way.

Here's another buck.

[CHUCKLES]

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Well, I'd love to chat,

but I have to get to work. Oh.

Thank you, Eddie.

Thank you, Mrs. Robinson.

You're the best.

Mrs. Robinson? I'm Jim Ratcliff.

Oh. Well, come in.

[CHUCKLES]

And, uh, call me Mona.

Mona.

What a nice name.

Old-fashioned

but it's got a hint of excitement. Heh.

That's me. Jane Austen in a hot tub. Heh.

Thank you for coming on such short notice.

Well, it's nice to visit my old hotel.

I bet this room brings back memories.

How can I help you?

Okay, now, here's the deal.

You sold my brother a business he does not know how to run.

Now, I want you to buy it back.

Or you will leave me with no choice

but to show your wife this.

By the way, my compliments.

Thank you.

It beats a rowing machine.

Champagne?

Well, I don't usually indulge in the afternoon.

Ha!

[HUMMING]

If you're gonna do it, do it right.

So, what do you think of my little scam?

Great execution.

The only problem is my wife already knows.

Aw, rats.

It was even in the tabloids.

Hotel tycoon attacked by wife

as nude mistress hangs from ledge.

Was that you? Mm.

They always use the worst picture, don't they?

My wife left me right after that.

And my nude mistress did too.

So I'm afraid this extortion thing

is just a no-go.

Sorry, Mona.

Well, that's all right.

It was my first blackmail.

And you were very gentle.

And you're a charming woman.

Maybe there's some way I can help.

Really?

All right, what are you doing here, Ratcliff?

Well, he was doing very well till you showed up.

What's the matter, Rockwell?

Are you afraid I'm gonna steal an ashtray?

Well, go ahead and try.

All right, get out of my hotel.

Oh, you're talking pretty big

for a guy who's in hock up to his eyebrows.

In hock?

You're already late on your first payment.

Late?

You'll get your money, don't worry.

I don't have to worry.

I can foreclose any time I want.

Foreclose?

Now you're really getting me mad.

Cornelius, this man is trying to help us.

Oh, I know how he helps.

Yes, but not with my sister, you don't.

All right, out.

[CHUCKLING]

Well, let me show you the door.

Get your hands off me.

Ah.

Don't push me.

Hey.

Nobody pushes me.

Don't touch me.

Hey, come on.

Oh! Oh, my goodness.

[CORNELIUS MUMBLING]

I'm sorry, Mona,

but if he ever reenlists, call me.

Oh. Oh, Ugh.

Cornelius, you are such a handful.

Here, sit down here. Sit.

Let me take a look at that. Mm. Mm.

Ah. Ugh.

Mona. You know I have a low pain threshold.

More like a low brain threshold.

I'm sorry that this visit didn't work out.

I'm sorry that I invested your money without asking.

But I am not sorry that bought this hotel.

This represents a whole new chapter in my life.

Does it have to be chapter 11?

Look, all you see are torn carpets,

dingy drapes, and a broken elevator.

Don't forget the sprinklers in 310

that go off when you flush in 412.

Well, you can't rush these things.

You can if you're in 412. Uh...

It's on the list.

I know, I know, it's a long list,

but this hotel used to be great. Argh.

And it could be great again.

Look at this.

This is a picture of the Nottingham

when she was young and beautiful.

Look, they had cotillions, and balls, tea dances.

This was the finest hotel in town.

Oh, look,

there's a string quartet in the lobby.

Oh, that man certainly has a nice fiddle.

Oh, don't be naughty.

Cornelius,

really it wasn't such a bad visit.

You were very sweet to invite me down. Hmm.

And this room is charming. Heh.

Don't worry about the money.

You'll pay me back someday.

Or else.

Oh. Mm.

Here, here, hold that there.

All right.

Now, just sit here and try to stop bleeding,

and I'll get you some ice. Okay.

Don't worry.

You'll think of something, hmm?

Just keep your chin up.

[SIGHS]

[CORNELIUS SNIFFLES]

[♪♪♪]

[GRUNTING]

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

Mona. Hi. Oh, there you are.

Hello, Kitty.

Uh, could you send a bucket of ice up to my suite?

Sure. Are you having a party?

Hardly. Heh.

You know, in a twisted kind of way,

I'm gonna miss this place.

You're not leaving, are you?

Well, I was only meant to be here for the weekend.

I know, but I was thinking you might wanna stick around.

I kind of saw you as the Great Red Hope.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

And, you know, Mona,

I think your brother feels the same way.

Oh, come on. He'll be glad to be rid of me.

I don't think so.

I could have booked your suite for the rest of the month,

but he wouldn't let me.

Do you mean that that old cheapskate

would do that for me?

It's amazing, isn't it?

[BOTH LAUGH]

You know, Kitty, I might need a little favor.

Do you have any plans for this evening?

No. Oh, but you've got to swear you won't tell Don.

[CHUCKLES]

[♪♪♪]

Up and at 'em, Flyboy, 0600.

Gonna lay around in bed all day? Come on.

What's going on here?

We need you downstairs.

Come on. March.

I'm-- I got-- I'm in my jammies.

Oh, hut, hut. Hut, two, three, four.

[PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC]

[CORNELIUS GASPS]

Well, what do you think of the old girl now?

It looks just like the picture.

[MONA CHUCKLES]

[GASPS]

Great uniforms.

[CHUCKLES]

How did you do all this?

This friend of mine in Jersey is an interior decorator,

and a Teamster.

It was Mrs. Robinson's idea, but we all pitched in.

You are such a suck-up.

Well, you can send it all back because I-- I can't pay for it.

No, no, I paid for it, Cornelius.

It is not going to cost you a nickel.

Why?

Why did you do this?

Because you wouldn't.

And, uh, if we're going to succeed

in the hotel business,

we have got to do it right.

We?

That's right. We.

A girl has got to protect her investment, hasn't she?

Look, you've got my money, so now you've got me. Heh.

Oh, Mona.

Well, ahem,

there may be room for a silent partner

in this establishment.

Me? Silent?

No way. Heh.

That's what I thought.

MONA: Hmm...

So?

So? So what?

So do we have a deal or what?

Deal.

ALL: Yeah!

All right.

Come on, bro, let's boogie.

No, no. No, no, no,

we're not gonna boogie in this lobby.

I'm not gonna scuff up these floors.

Stop the music!

Now, everyone disperse and return to your stations.

We have a hotel to run.

CHEF: Right away, Mr. Robinson. TESSIE: Yes, sir.

Okay, guys, hit it.

[PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC]

CORNELIUS: Mona!

I know what you're doing.

[jjj]

Closed Captions: Katie Radford