Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

♪ There's a time for love And a time for living ♪

♪ You take a chance And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand new life Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you My friend ♪

♪ Nights are long But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand new life ♪

♪ Brand new life ♪

♪ A brand new life Around the bend ♪

[♪♪♪]

Sure, you're calm. You don't have any teeth.

RECEPTIONIST: Mr. Micelli? Yeah?

Sorry, the dentist is running a little late.

Oh, that's okay. I don't mind waiting.

I don't mind waiting. Thank you.

Hey, in fact, if you want, she can go first.

Hello, Joan.

Nice to see you again, Mrs. Finch.

You're either extremely nervous,

or an Evelyn Wood graduate.

Well, uh, everybody gets a little scared

at the dentist's, right? Not really.

Oh! You mustn't worry about a thing.

Doctor Fishbein's wonderful. He has a light touch,

and uses the most modern equipment.

TONY: Oh.

Now, open wide. [CHUCKLES]

Building maintenance.

Oh, gee...

You really must calm down, Mr...

Micelli. Micelli. But, uh, you can call me Tony.

Fiona Finch. Nice to meet you, Tony.

Oh, uh, nice to meet you, too, Mrs. Finch.

I'm usually not this big a chicken. Heh, heh.

Course, I usually don't go to the dentist. Heh!

But, uh, I lost this filling.

I found it though. I got it-- Here it is.

How wise of you to bring it in.

Yeah, I was going to put it back in myself,

but I figured Fishbein could do a better job. Heh!

As my husband said,

"If you don't take care of your teeth,

your teeth won't take care of you."

[CHUCKLES] Sounds like a fun guy.

Heh!

He was, indeed. Unfortunately, he's passed on.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh-- [CHUCKLES]

--it was difficult at first,

but life goes on. And through it all,

I've maintained impeccable dental hygiene.

Oh, good for you. Heh, heh!

Oh, I was never one to wallow in self-pity.

So my husband's gone, my children are grown,

my days are empty.

I always try to look on the bright side.

You still have your teeth.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Uh, boy, you know, Mrs. Finch,

I'm really glad I ran into you, because I really am

a lot more relaxed. Ready, Mr. Micelli.

Hide me!

Mother? Hm?

What is this?

That's accounts receivable.

Don't they teach you anything at Harvard Business School?

No, I mean why didn't you bill Perkins Pet Supplies?

Oh, well, Jay's wife split and took him for a flea bath.

And I felt kind of sorry for him.

I said I'd bill him next month.

Mother, this is no way to run a business. I have expenses.

Oh, that reminds me. Here's my expense account.

Pay up.

Hi, Tony. Hi. Hey.

How was the dentist?

It was okay. It was okay. He, uh, he used gas,

he used Novocain, he played music. Not loud enough, though.

I could still hear myself screaming.

You poor baby.

Oh! Oh.

Oh, no, no, not again?

Another weekend workathon? Files all over my kitchen.

I can't work this way, Angela.

Well, neither can I.

So where are you going? We still have a lot of work to do.

Angela, you can't expect me

to work on Saturday night.

I have a responsibility

to the eligible males of the tri-state area.

What's the matter, Mona? Cutting back?

[LAUGHS]

You can't leave.

Eat my dust.

Hold it, hold it, hold it. You know what your problem is?

Yeah, her. Yeah, her.

Seriously, now, wait a minute. Business is booming.

You guys need more help. You know what I mean?

I met this lady down at the dentist's office.

She'd be perfect for you. She's hired.

I hadn't thought of hiring anyone.

Well, think about it, Angela.

We are absolutely swamped with work.

I can hardly keep up with my filing.

Just look at my nails.

Anyway, she's a real nice lady,

she's been a secretary before, she's responsible,

she's intelligent, she has her own dental plan.

Gee, I don't know, training another person?

Ho, hey, I'm not trying to force anybody on you, Angela.

Look, if you don't want to see her,

you don't have to see her. I didn't make no promises.

Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt to talk to her.

How about 10:30 on Monday? I told her 11:00.

[LAUGHS] Oh, please...

[♪♪♪]

And, here we are, eh?

The Bower Agency. What do you think?

Are you sure it's open?

Oh, yeah, yeah, Mona takes a lot of breaks.

Last year she missed October. [BOTH CHUCKLE]

Tony, thank you for coming down here with me.

Even if I don't get the job,

taking the commuter train was quite a thrill.

Yeah. I could tell because, you know, most people

don't applaud when they pull into the station there.

I suppose I'm a little bit overstimulated.

I want to make a good impression.

Do you have any dental floss?

[CHUCKLES] No, no, you, don't need dental floss.

You're gonna be okay. Look, remember, all you got to do

is play it straight with Mona and suck up to Angela.

[CHUCKLES] [PHONE RINGING]

You wanna get that?

You really think I could? Go for it.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Good morning, Bower Agency.

Ooh, watch out. She's a natural.

No, I'm sorry. Mona's not at her desk at the moment.

May I take a message?

Get back, she's on a roll. [CHUCKLES]

Reservations for noon,

the Piermont Hotel,

the Jungle Room. Thank you.

I suppose that's for lunch.

Yeah, and maybe a quick swing through the trees.

Hey, Mona, you got a message.

[IMITATES TARZAN'S YELL]

Jay Perkins called? It's him. It's him.

Mona Robinson, this is Fiona Finch and vice versa.

How do you do? I do hope you don't mind.

I took the liberty of answering your telephone.

It appears that your luncheon date is on.

Oh, oh, rats! I'm gonna have to cancel.

I promised Angela I'd get this stupid filing done.

Well, then, maybe Fiona could give you a hand.

Oh. no, I couldn't ask her to do that.

I'd be happy to. Good. Start here.

Oh!

This is just what this office needs.

Yeah, yeah, someone who wants to work.

Hey, Angela. Hi, Tony.

Excuse me, who is the strange woman

riffling through my files? [TONY CHUCKLES]

This is Fiona. Huh. Fiona.

She is a great worker-- Could be a real asset

to the office. Tell her, tell her.

Tony, you don't just pull someone off the street

and put them to work. I have to check her qualifications,

I have to verify her references.

Screening a prospective employee is a complex

and grueling procedure. Okay.

Excuse me... [CHUCKLES]

How do you do? I'm Angela Bower.

How nice to meet you, Mrs. Bower.

I hope you don't mind my saying this,

but you seem awfully young to own your own agency.

When can you start?

[♪♪♪]

[PENCIL SHARPENER WHIRRING]

[MONA GRUNTS WITH EACH TAPPING OF A KEY]

Fiona,

would you mind stuffing these?

Mind? It's my pleasure.

Well, then I'll just double your pleasure.

[KEYS TAPPING]

What are you doing?

You left your participle dangling.

I'm funny that way.

Oh.

Mother, I thought I asked you to type those letters.

Oh, no. Mona typed them. There was just a little mistake.

I'll check through the rest to make sure they're perfect.

As a fellow perfectionist,

I applaud your attention to detail.

Others might learn from that example.

Others could care less.

Now, now, Hank, I know the presentation's late.

So will you stop grousing?

Look, it'll give you more free time to buy that new car.

And I've been thinking-- Get the Porsche.

Uh, but not the convertible, huh?

Because it'll blow your toupee off.

No, nobody else can tell.

Mother? Have you found that Speed-0-Burger file yet?

Oh, Hank, I'll have to call you back. Bye.

I, I, have done nothing all day long

but look for that file. I don't know how

I'm gonna find it if you keep on bugging me.

Here it is.

Why, thank you, Fiona.

How would you like a nice cup of freshly-brewed coffee?

That would be lovely.

Well, where did you find it?

Under S for Speed-0-Burger. Where did you look?

Under G for greasy spoon.

Oh, I hope I haven't inconvenienced you.

I've alphabetized the files.

You know, according to the alphabet?

That is just crazy enough to work.

[INSINCERE LAUGHTER]

[♪♪♪]

Assessing the market research, the demographics suggest--

Uh-uh-uh! Aah!

Am I dangling again?

Oh, those pesky participles.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh, Fiona, you are a gem.

What would I do without you?

Oh, hello, Mother.

Well, I didn't know you two were working tonight.

Well, it's Saturday night and I knew you had plans.

And besides, we're having so much fun,

it doesn't seem like work.

I could stay and help you if you'd like.

Oh, no, Mother, it's the last night of the Bolshoi.

Well, I can cancel.

They'll be back in five or six years.

Oh, Mother, don't be silly.

Besides, Fiona and I have such a wonderful rapport.

She takes down my words--

Even before she says them.

[INSINCERE LAUGHTER]

Hey, ho, what do you say, what do you say?

Get it while it's hot and gooey.

Gee, that's enough pizza to feed Pavarotti.

Yeah, well, it was on special.

Buy two large pizzas, you get a Frisbee for 19 cents.

Wouldn't it have been cheaper just to buy a Frisbee?

Sure, but then you wouldn't get any pizza.

Tell her. Tell her. Hey, just be happy

I didn't buy that '87 Wagoneer to get the free kayak.

[LAUGHS] SAMANTHA: I'll see you guys later.

Hey, where're you going, Samantha?

Don't you want any pizza? No, I just wanted a Frisbee.

Honey, I didn't know you played Frisbee.

[SCOFFS] It's a great way to meet boys, okay?

You go to the beach, you throw it up in the air,

and a guy brings it back. [CHUCKLES]

Come here. Come here.

Give me that.

Give me that. [GRUNTS]

You can have it back when you graduate...from college.

Hey, Tony, no, no pepperoni?

You always bring me pepperoni.

Well, I'm sorry, Mone, but I thought you were going

to the Bolshevik. FIONA: Excuse me...

Excuse me, Tony, I believe that's the Bolshoi.

Oh, well, hey, guys in tights--

They all look the same to me. Heh!

Tony, could I see you in the kitchen?

In the kitchen? Mm-hm.

Well, wait a minute.

What's the matter? What?

That woman gets on my nerves.

Oh, hey, me too, sometimes,

but hey, what're you gonna do? She owns the house.

I am not talking about Angela.

I'm talking about that Secretarial SWAT Team in there.

She types, she files, she takes dictation...

And get this:

She only takes a half hour for lunch.

[SIGHS] Is that legal?

[CHUCKLES] Come on, Mona!

Look, I'd really like to get involved in this mess,

but the way I see it, this is a problem

between you and Fiona, or you and Angela,

or you and Angela and Fiona.

Whoever it is, they're out there in the living room.

Thanks. Hey.

[LAUGHING]

Angela, why are you laughing at pizza?

I just remembered something funny that Fiona said.

And where is our little Benny Hill?

In the loo.

Angela, I, I want to ask you just a little favor.

Oh?

Lose the limey. [GASPS]

Mother, what are you talking about?

Angela, wake up and smell the freshly brewed coffee.

MONA: I cannot work with that woman. You gotta get rid of her.

Mother, you're being petty and childish.

Fiona is a valuable office employee.

She does a tremendous amount for me.

Oh, and what do I do?

Well, sometimes I ask myself that very question.

Mother, I'm very sorry.

You're just going to have to learn to work with her.

You're going to have to learn to work without somebody,

because it's either her or me. Stop, please.

I never meant to cause a row between you.

Don't be silly, we're always rowing about something.

Alright, Angela, what's it going to be?

Mother, this isn't going to work.

I don't respond to threats. [SCOFFS]

Angela, here.

[CHUCKLES] I can't read this.

It's Pittman shorthand.

It says: "In order to avoid certain unpleasantries

between mother and daughter, it is with deep regret

that I tender my resignation.

God save the Queen."

Fiona, wait. You can't quit. I need you.

Of course you do, but you'll muddle through.

Well, carry on.

Hey, ho, Fiona, whoa, where're you going?

Goodbye, Tony, take good care of your teeth.

And remember, tartar is the enemy.

What happened?

Thanks to Mother, I just lost

the best secretary I ever had.

No, you didn't.

But you're about to. I quit.

That's interesting management style, Angela. Really.

MAN [ON TV]: Now gently lower your knees

to your ears and hold.

Isn't that relaxing?

Yeah, if you're a pretzel.

[DOOR SLAMS LOUDLY] Ooh!

Oh...ugh! Bad day?

How could I have been so stupid?

I should never have quit my job.

Oh, come on, Mona! I'm sure Angela will take you back.

Take me back? I want her to fire me

so I can collect unemployment.

Oh, come on, Mona, come on!

Now, you know you miss being at the office.

Why don't you talk to your daughter.

Because I am a lady

and I don't use that kind of language.

MAN [ON TV]: Are you still holding that position?

You betcha.

Now slowly straighten your legs behind you.

Yeah...

Breathe deeply

and let all the negative energy flow outward.

[GRUNTS SOFTLY]

Are you at peace?

[IN TINY, GRUFF VOICE] Oh, yeah.

[DOOR SLAMS LOUDLY]

Oh, hi, Angela.

How was your energy flow today?

Oh, the office temp was horrible.

To make matters worse, he left for lunch, never came back.

That's why they call them temps.

Oh, and then I called Fiona. She already has another job.

Tony, what am I going to do?

Well, either learn how to type or apologize to your mother.

Apologize?

It will be a cold day in heck.

Angela, Angela, you know those, those four letter words,

they're so unladylike. Oh, come on, be reasonable, huh?

Mona can't get unemployment, you need somebody to help you

with all that work-- To me the solution is obvious.

Bower Agency...

Yeah, yeah, oh, hi, Mr. Hewitt.

Uh, yeah, yeah, no, no, Mona's not in. No, Mona's not in,

but hey, I got your file right here. Heh! Yeah...

The cost per unit ratio?

Oh, okay, um, hang on, Mr. Hewitt, wait a second.

Um, you know the truth of the matter is, Mr. Hewitt,

that all the numbers aren't in yet. Yeah.

Mona? No, that's another number that's not in yet.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, but I swear, I'll have her call you back.

Okay, Mr. Hewitt. Yeah, thanks a lot.

TONY: Oh, man! Hi.

TONY: Hi. Here.

[SCOFFS] Oh, Tony,

is that letter ready for air express yet?

It's got to be there by tomorrow.

Don't worry, don't worry.

It'll absolutely, positively be there. Heh!

What letter?

The Anderson letter.

I put it on top of your desk.

Where is the top of your desk?

It was here a minute ago.

Oh, hi, Grandma! Hey!

Oh, hi, kids. Hi. How was school?

Oh, we had a substitute teacher,

three fire drills, and a bomb scare.

Ooh, it was great.

Grandma, there's nothing in here.

Didn't you go shopping? Oh, yeah.

I bought two new pair of shoes.

Ooh, I love those. Those are so cute.

Well, isn't there anything to eat?

Well, how 'bout some cold pizza?

But Tony always likes me to eat healthy food after school.

Well, put a piece of broccoli on it.

Mona, you are so lucky not to have to go to work.

I wish I could sit around all day and do nothing.

Yeah...but doing nothing at the office

is more fun. And it pays better.

Mr. Perkins! Hello! What are you doing here?

Mrs. Bower, how long have you handled Perkins Pet Supplies?

Oh, about eight months.

[CHUCKLES] That's 56 in dog months.

Where's Mona? Uh, I'm sorry,

but Mona doesn't work here any longer.

What? That's awful.

Well, I'm sure that I can help you.

Mona and I had an agreement.

Oh, I don't like to get mixed up

in my Mother's personal life.

No, no, no, we agreed that you wouldn't bill me for two months.

Then some birdbrain sent me this. Well,

not this birdbrain. I just started. Heh-heh-heh!

Mr. Perkins, I'm terribly sorry. Please ignore the bill.

You know, I chose a small agency to get the personal touch,

and now the woman who was personally touching me is gone.

Perhaps I should take my kibble somewhere else.

Wait a minute, Mr. Perkins,

I just wanted you to know that Angela is negotiating

to bring Mona back right now even as we speak.

I don't-- Really? Oh.

Well, perhaps I got my feathers ruffled for nothing.

Uh, have Mona give me a call when she's back in the roost.

What an odd duck. Heh!

Why did you tell him that I was negotiating with Mother?

Because, Angela, come on,

it's just not as much fun around here without Mona.

Tony, this isn't supposed to be fun.

This is my life.

Hello, Mona! Mona, it's Tony.

Come on. Angela is ready to talk turkey.

Well, tell her to stuff it.

I would not come back

if she begged me on all fours.

She wants you to know how much she misses the office.

Well, that's just too bad.

She's impossible around here

and I don't think it's going to work.

She's lost without you, too, Mona. Tony!

Well, it's too late.

I am not coming back under any circumstances.

Will she double my salary?

Alright, Angela, look, she'll come back.

All you have to do is give her a $100 a month raise.

A raise? A raise is absolutely out of the question,

but I might consider giving her her job back

if she stops all these personal phone calls.

Will you look at these? Mr. Ping, Ms. Schwartz,

Letter Perfect Printing--

These are all business calls...

except for Fredericks of Hollywood.

Well, you never know.

She could be trying to line them up. Give me that.

Uh, look, she...

You know, she's really good with the clients, Angela.

Well, yeah, I guess. I guess that is true.

And you know, that's something

you can't put a price on, Angela.

I'll give her $50 a month.

Now you're talking, Angela. Now you're talking.

She'll give you $75 a month. Tony!

Well, that's not enough.

That's not enough, Angela.

That's not enough? After I gave that woman

everything she wanted.

Maybe not.

Maybe she just wants to hear that you need her.

Well, Tony, that's ridiculous. Of course, she knows that.

Maybe she just wants to hear it.

Mona, okay, look,

here's the final offer, okay?

Seventy-five bucks a month, and Angela realizes

how invaluable you are to the agency,

and how much she misses you.

Oh, really?

Really?

Really.

You heard, Mona? All right!

Great, okay, good.

Yeah, yeah, I'll give her the message. Bye.

[CHUCKLES, CLAPS HANDS]

What? What message?

This. Ahh! [CHUCKLES]

Aw! Oh, Tony, this is great. My mother is coming back.

Yeah, it's terrific, isn't it?

Angela? I quit. What, Tony?

TONY: Come on, come on, be brave, soldiers.

[ALL EXCLAIMING]

Remember, Fishbein is painless.

It's not his pain I'm worried about.

Wait a minute, one of our little soldiers

has deserted. What?

[TONY GRUNTS]

There she is.

I caught her just at the border.

I was trying to find a fire exit.

Angela, I'm surprised at you.

You're setting a bad example for the kids.

I mean, look at me. I'm cool as a kumquat.

Oh, sure, that's 'cause

you're not going in...the chair.

You just drove us here.

Yeah, but did you see that traffic? Huh?

You know, I think you're right. I am being silly.

After all, I'm just here for a cleaning.

Yeah, but sometimes when they scrape your teeth,

they find a little nerve under the gum,

and they start poking at it...

again and again and again.

Nice story, Jonathan. Tell it to the fish.

Aw, what a bunch, what a bunch.

Come on, remember one thing, guys.

The dentist is your friend. [CHUCKLES]

Bower, party of four to see--

Fiona? Hello, there.

It's Fiona! What are you doing here?

I'm Dr. Fishbein's new receptionist.

How wonderful. Aw, that's terrific.

Alright group, who wants to be the first brave soldier

out of the trenches? Come on.

Actually, Lieutenant, that would be you.

Me? Yes.

Dr. Fishbein took a second look at your X-rays

and found something a little troubling.

How troubling?

Oh, nothing to worry about, Tony.

Nothing a little root canal won't clear up.

Get in the chair. I want a second opinion.

SAMANTHA: Get in the chair. [ALL EXCLAIMING]

[♪♪♪]

Closed Captions: Katie Radford