Original subtitles

["BRAND-NEW LIFE" PLAYING]

♪ There's a time for love And a time for living ♪

♪ You take a chance And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you My friend ♪

♪ Nights are long But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life Brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life Around the bend ♪

[♪♪]

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

JONATHAN: Look out... SAMANTHA: Here he comes.

[CHEERING]

[BOOS]

Hey, hey, hey. Hey.

Go get them, Mad Man. Uh...

Angela, I can't get in there.

Oh, well, it's no wonder with those big gloves on.

No, no, no, I don't mean that.

I can't go through with this, Angela.

You gotta get yourself another boy.

Your honor is at stake.

So is my face.

Do you know what you are?

Scared?

You are Mad Man Micelli.

You are tough, you are hard as nails.

Oh! Angela, that hurt.

Get in the ring. Get in the ring.

[CHEERING]

[BELL DINGING]

Good evening, fight fans.

Welcome to World Famous Syd's Gym.

[CROWD CHEERING]

I'm your host, world-famous Syd.

[LAUGHTER]

Please refrain from throwing food,

beer bottles or one another into the ring.

And please observe the "no smoking" sign.

TONY: I wonder if anyone would notice if I just tiptoed out of here.

How did this all get started?

It seems like a lifetime ago.

I thought I had a brilliant idea

that would raise funds for the Parents' Association

and bring two communities together.

And get rid of some of those frozen hors d'oeuvres

from New Year's Eve.

Hello, Brooklyn. [LAUGHING]

Welcome to Connecticut.

Hi, Melva, come on in. Hi.

Hey, everybody. You remember Philly Fingers?

And this is Melva Allen,

president of the Brooklyn Parents' Association.

Very nice to meet you. MELVA: Thank you.

How was the drive up? Did you hit much traffic?

Just a sedan and a Winnebago.

Oh, Philly drove? [ALL LAUGH]

Hey, we got here, didn't we?

TONY: Take your coats?

I think maybe you better sit down.

Thank you. Hey, Philly, nice hat.

Raiding the morgue again? [BOTH LAUGH]

So, big shot.

President of the Parents' Association.

Uh, do I kiss your ring or curtsey?

Why don't you just grovel at my feet, there, huh?

[LAUGHS]

Well, Mr.-- Uh...

Is it Finger or Fingers?

Plural.

Well, Mr. Fingers, heh, what do you do for a living?

Why, what have you heard? Nothing.

Oh. Good, good.

Here are the last of the leftovers.

All right, well, now we're all here,

how about I call this meeting to order.

Hey, boy, you're good.

Mr. President,

I know I speak for all of us when I say thank you so much

for organizing this Olympic event

between our two communities. Thank you.

The monies we raise will be put to good use.

More books for our libraries

and new equipment for our gymnasiums.

Oh, thank you, Angela. Thank you.

I couldn't have said that better myself,

and now I don't have to.

All right, let's get right down to business.

What events do we want to have?

I, uh, made a list.

I have tennis, gymnastics, archery and badminton.

Wait a minute.

What are we doing, raising money for a convent?

Let's have some violence, like-- Like--

Like wrestling, hockey, boxing.

Yay, boxing, huh.

Biceps, triceps, sweating bodies.

Ooh. I change my vote.

TONY: No, no, no.

Let's-- Let's 86 the boxing, guys.

No. Hold on a second, Tony.

We need a blockbuster event.

Something we can promote that will draw in a big crowd.

Well, I think boxing is brutal.

That's the idea.

Well, I don't know anyone in our association

who would engage in such an activity.

Are you kidding? On the streets

Tony used to engage the hell out of people.

[LAUGHS]

Phi-- Philly, Philly.

Philly, it's a bad idea.

Please, let's drop it, okay?

Well, Tony, I am very proud of you

for having become so enlightened.

Boxing is very dangerous.

Yeah, and somebody could get hurt.

Really? Then I volunteer my husband Herb.

He used to box in dental school.

They called him Kid Novocain.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, I volunteer my little brother, Wilbur.

He's a typing teacher.

Oh, great. The match of the century.

So, what do you think, Tony?

Well, I guess-- Tony!

Well, come on, Angela, how bad could it be?

A dentist and a typist.

And anyway, if Herb knocks out one of Wilbur's teeth,

he'll be there to put it back in.

And Wilbur can type up the insurance claim.

Bingo! All right, how about...?

TONY: Why didn't I listen to Angela?

I thought I was in the clear

with Kid Novocain and Typing Wilbur.

Little did I know

I had a one-way ticket to Palookaville.

[BELL DINGS]

Hey, Syd, how are you?

Gee, I haven't seen you in so long.

You look terrible.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

I haven't seen you since your voice changed.

Or was that a low blow? Oh!

Hey, I want you to meet my boss.

Angela. Come on over here, Angela.

Angela, this is Syd. Oh.

Syd, this is Angela.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too.

Who's the doll?

Oh, this is my boss-in-law.

Mona. Mona, this is Syd.

Syd this is Mona.

Ah. Nice place you got here, Syd.

Do you give away free samples?

I was just gonna ask you the same thing.

Later, Syd.

I'm gonna window-shop a little.

[TONY CHUCKLES]

And this is Angela's son, Jonathan.

Hi. Hey, hi.

And of course you remember Sam.

Hey. Do I remember Sam?

Go ahead, give your best shot. Syd, come on,

don't you think I'm getting too old for that?

Oh!

Good reflexes, Syd. Thanks.

May we check out some of the equipment, Mr. Syd?

Yeah, sure, over there. Over there.

You all right?

Hey, guys.

Hey, Wendy, where's Herb?

Home.

What do you mean home?

His back went out again.

[GROANS]

His hygienist found him

locked over the rinse and spit bowl.

Well, what does that mean?

Means Herb and I can't have sex.

No news there.

But I can't find anybody else to take his place...

in the ring.

Well, hey, Syd, it was nice seeing you.

Yeah, nice to meet you. TONY: Come on, Angela.

Oh, by the way, do you validate parking?

You brought a car into this neighborhood?

Yeah, I gave it to the valet.

What valet?

Bye.

Mona, come on, let's go. What?

Why are we going?

I was just teaching this guy how to dial my number.

Mona, Herb hurt his back.

We're gonna have to scratch the boxing match. Come on.

Wait a minute, Tony. Why don't you fight?

When you was a kid, you used to love mopping people up.

But I'm not a kid anymore.

And Tony and I are philosophically...

No-- ...opposed to boxing.

Oh, so now you're a philosopher.

Sam, when did your dad become a cream puff?

Oh!

Don't you ever talk about my dad like that again.

Dad, you're turning into a cream puff.

There is-- There's no reason

why you can't take a typing teacher.

Kids in my class do it all the time.

Yeah, Tony. You're still in good shape.

Trust me, he is. Well, yeah, yeah.

[TONY MUMBLING]

Tony, what about our opposition to violence?

Ah, shut up. Aah!

Come on, you can do it, Tony.

Oh, I don't know, Mona. I don't know.

Tony, what are you?

A Taurus.

No. Remember when you used to come in the ring?

You know what I mean? You used to train here.

You were bad. You're still bad.

Yeah, yeah, I'm-- I'm bad. I'm bad.

How bad are you?

I'm-- I'm very bad.

[GRUNTING] No, you're bad and you're mean!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm mean. I'm mean. Yeah.

Call that mean?

I'm very mean!

Yay, let's hear it for the Raging Housekeeper!

Yeah, the Great White Help!

Yeah, yeah. I like that. I like that.

So, Dad, does this mean you'll do it?

Why not, huh? Why not?

[ALL CHEER]

Are you kidding me? I'll-- I'll tear that typing teacher

from A to Z, huh! MONA: Yeah!

Hey, typing teacher.

[GUFFAWING]

Hey, hey, I'll-- I'll reset his margins.

[LAUGHS] Hiya, Melva.

Tony, I'd like you to meet my little brother, Wilbur.

Hey, man, whose margins are you messing with?

That's gonna hurt.

TONY: As the fight got closer, I was weighing my options.

I could train real hard and hope to pull a muscle.

Or I could throw the fight.

I'd be the only guy in history to take a dive for charity,

but, hey, I could live with that.

Hey, champ.

Surprise.

Mona, what are you up to now?

It's for you. To wear in the ring.

Oh, satin. Mm-hm.

It'll go nice with the lining in my coffin.

[CHUCKLES]

Mad Man Micelli.

Oh, Mother, what a tasteless nickname.

Oh, good. I wasn't sure it was right.

You know, it's not too late to back out of this fight.

Oh, yes, it is, Angela. I can't back out.

Publicity's already started,

the tickets are already printed,

and all the flights to Guam are booked.

You know, I-- I don't want you to fight.

But if you're so determined, shouldn't you be training?

I'd hate to see you get PO'd.

That's KO'd, Angela.

Well, whatever.

I just don't wanna see you get hurt.

You don't?

Well, no.

I mean, I wouldn't wanna see anyone get hurt.

Look, Angela, all the training in the world

ain't gonna help me.

You know, Tony, I don't understand this.

You're going into this fight, your heart's not in it.

I don't understand it. What's wrong?

It's something very painful from my past.

But look, you don't wanna know about it.

[GASPS] I know what it is.

I know what it is.

I saw this movie once with John Wayne.

See, you were a promising young fighter,

and then came the fateful day when you beat a man so brutally

that he never regained consciousness.

He died a lingering death with you at his bedside.

You felt such remorse that, then and there,

you hung up your gloves

and you swore you would never again fight.

Boy, that was a good movie.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm sorry, Angela, because in the real-life version,

it was me who got beat up so bad that I saw a few stars,

but none of them were John Wayne.

Somebody beat you up?

I never told nobody about this, but here goes.

Look, I was-- I was just a kid, you know.

But you know me, I thought I was a tough guy.

And so did this promoter from up in the Bronx.

So he gives me a shot at a pro fight.

I was only 16, but I lied about my age.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave...

when first we practice to deceive.

TONY: Here I am pouring my heart out,

she's quoting Mary Worth.

Anyway, I climbed into the ring, you know.

And I knew I was better than this guy,

but it didn't matter, because he was staring me down.

He wouldn't blink.

I couldn't look away, but I couldn't move,

till he bounced me off the canvas.

The fight was over before it even started.

Oh, you poor thing.

And I thought my teen years were painful.

It wasn't the pain, Angela.

It was the humiliation.

The whole crowd was laughing at me.

The promoter called me a weak sister.

I went back to the old neighborhood,

I never mentioned that fight. And I--

I never set foot in a ring again.

Well, that part's like the movie.

TONY: I vow that one day I'd get her for that.

Tony, you know, if you lost by a stare,

you can win by a stare.

And I think I can help you.

You?

Yeah. Me.

You should have seen some of the guys

I had to play hard ball with in the boardroom.

[CHUCKLES] After I stared them down,

they were walking around cross-eyed.

Oh. Well, you're one tough mama there, Angela.

Hoo! [LAUGHS]

Yo.

See, the psychology of the stare

is very simple.

Most people think that it's in your eyes.

It's not. It's in your mind.

It's telling you that you're not afraid,

he is.

He's not going to win, you are.

Oh. Well, what if your mind is telling you

you should've listened to your father

and gone into fast food? [LAUGHS]

Well, your mind's not gonna be telling you that,

because I'm going to be your trainer.

[LAUGHS]

You're gonna be my trainer?

Angela Dundee?

[GUFFAWING]

Hey. thanks, but no thanks, Ange--

Hello, trainer.

♪ Just one look ♪

♪ And I knew, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, that I'd make you ♪

♪ Make you my own ♪

♪ Oh, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Just one look ♪

♪ And I knew, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, that you ♪

♪ Were my only one ♪

♪ Oh, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ I thought I was dreaming ♪

♪ But I was wrong ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ But I'm gonna keep On scheming ♪

♪ Until I can make you Make you my own ♪

♪ Just one look ♪

♪ That's all it took ♪

♪ Just one look ♪

♪ That's all it took ♪

♪ Just one look, uh-huh ♪

♪ That's all it took ♪

♪ Just one look ♪

♪ That's all it took Yeah ♪

♪ Just one look, uh-huh ♪

♪ That's all it took Yeah ♪

♪ Just one look ♪

♪ That's all it took Yeah ♪

♪ Just one look ♪

♪ That's all it took ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

TONY: Why was I so happy?

I guess it's easy to feel confident

in the safety of your own living room.

What a fool I was.

ALL: Wilbur! Wilbur! Wilbur!

[CROWD CHEERING]

WOMAN: Come on, Wilbur!

Don't worry, Tony.

He's just a human being.

His body is 65 percent water.

Yeah, well, mine's a 100 percent Jell-O.

Hi, Wilbur.

TONY: Once you set foot in that ring,

there's no place to hide.

And believe you me, I looked everywhere.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[BELL DINGING]

And now for the main and only event tonight:

three rounds of championship boxing,

coming from World Famous Syd's Gym.

[ALL CHEER]

In this corner, weighing 160 pounds,

a typing teacher from Brooklyn, 120 words a minute.

His hobbies include kung fu, underwater shark hunting

and strolling through Central Park at night.

Wilbur "The Terminator" Turner!

[ALL CHEERING]

[GRUNTS]

[CHEERING STOPS]

Wilbur, honey,

now don't kill him all at once.

Why?

People paid to see three rounds.

[GROANS]

Angela, did you see...?

And in this corner weighing 162 pounds,

Parent Association president,

whose hobbies include Wiffle ball,

weather stripping

and baking brownies.

Tony "Madman" Micelli!

[ALL CHEERING]

That's my dad!

That's my housekeeper.

That's my fantasy.

[GRUNTS]

Now, boys, this fight's gonna be fought

according to the rules that I made up.

No head-butting, no rabbit punches,

and no scratching yourself below the belt.

Now, shake hands, go back to your corners

and when the bell rings, come out fighting.

Good luck, Wilbur.

Yeah, save me a brownie.

Break it up, break it up, break it up.

[CROWD WHOOPING AND WHISTLING]

That's Mona.

That's my grandma.

That's my fantasy.

[BELL DINGS] [CROWD YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

You see? I stared him down.

Go!

[CROWD SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

[LAUGHING]

Get up, Tony! Get up! Are you okay? Dad?

One, two, three...

Tony, it's all right. You proved yourself.

You got in the ring. You stared him down.

Now, let me throw in the washcloth.

That's towel, Angela.

But no, no, give me that mouthpiece.

I'm going the distance. Okay.

MAN: Come on! [CROWD CHEERS]

[WHOOPING AND WHISTLING]

[CROWD YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

[BELL DINGS]

[CROWD CHATTERING]

Water.

Thank you.

[CHEERING AND WHISTLING]

[BELL DINGS]

MAN: Let's go. Come on.

[CROWD YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

ANGELA: Oh! Oh! Oh!

Come on, Tony.

You can do it!

Do it for Fairfield! Do it for the kids.

Do it for the 100 bucks I got riding on you!

The eyes! The eyes!

[GROANS]

MAN: Come on, let's go. Keep it up.

[CROWD YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

[BELL DINGS]

Come on. Break, break, break!

[CROWD YELLING]

[BELL DINGING]

[CHEERING]

All right! All right.

You were wonderful! All right, Tony.

Whoa! Hey, hey, hold--

Wait a minute. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I wanna hear who won. It might even be me.

[LAUGHING]

Even if you didn't win, it was a great fight.

Are you kidding? My boy won!

[ALL CHEER]

[BELL DINGING]

As-- As always, a great fight at World Famous Syd's Gym.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Judge Bonelli votes two rounds for Turner,

one round for Micelli.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Judge Wengrod votes two rounds for Micelli,

one round for Turner.

[CHEERING]

Judge Letterman votes two rounds to one for Micelli!

[ALL CHEERING]

And the gold medalist, Tony Micelli!

[CHEERING]

Hey.

Hey, good fight, Micelli.

Hey, you too, Wilbur.

Hey, man, just one thing:

what did you put in those brownies?

Oh, Wilbur, it's easy, it's easy.

Use two cups of flour, right?

WILBUR: Yeah. TONY: A quarter-pound...

You got-- Oh, thank you.

You gotta cream the butter, Wilbur.

And one thing: don't overbake.

WILBUR: After you. TONY: Thank you.

Wait till I tell you about my eggplant Parmesan...

[ALL CHEERING]

Tony. Tony, we made a killing.

The fight was a big success.

And you were terrific.

I couldn't have done it without you, Angela.

Anytime.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, what do you say? Let's go home, champ.

Okay. Hey, Angela. Yeah.

There's something else I can't do without you.

What's that? Walk.

What, you--? Pick up my arm.

Ah. Take this arm.

Now, come this way towards me. Okay.

Oh. Easy, easy. Oh.

Okay, okay. Here we go.

That's...

TONY: Well, at least I had my moment of glory.

[CHUCKLES]

See, I could still hear the roar of the crowd.

Doctor said I'd be hearing that for about a week.

[♪♪]