Original subtitles

♪ There is more to life than what you're living

♪ So take a chance and face the wind

♪ An open road and a road that's hidden

♪ A brand new life around the bend

♪ There were times I lost a dream or two

♪ Found the trail and at the end was you

♪ There's a path you take and a path not taken

♪ The choice is up to you my friend

♪ Nights are long but you might awaken

♪ To a brand new life

♪ Brand new life

♪ Brand new life around the bend ♪

Uh, okay, okay. Here we go now.

The word we've all been waiting for.

There. Eh? 89 points.

Wow.

Wait a minute.

"Korchflap?"

What's a korchflap?

It's a little flap on the back of a korch.

You think I made it up?

Yes.

What? You want me to get the dictionary?

BOTH: Yes.

Okay, so I cheated.

Phew.

That is it, I am fed up with Joanne Parker.

I mean, she's the worst president.

She doesn't care about the Parents' Association.

All she wants to do is push her husband's insurance.

Well, how did she get elected?

He's got the lowest rates.

Come on, Tony. She must know something about the Parents' Association.

Oh, yeah, Mona, yeah?

Tonight we had to sit through, "Life Insurance," the movie.

What happened to you?

I left early. I walked home. What, are you kidding me?

I couldn't stand to watch Joanne Parker get nominated again.

"Who, me? Why, I'd be honored."

That's just what she said.

And just how she said it.

Yeah, well, I just wish somebody would run against her.

Good news.

Somebody will.

That's great. Who?

Someone with integrity.

Yeah? Who?

Somebody who cares about kids and the community.

Who?

Somebody we can be proud to have as the president of our Parents' Association.

Angela, who?

You.

Who?

-Tony, you'd be perfect for the job. -Aw.

Besides, after you left I kind of gave them the impression that you might be interested.

Well, what did you say?

-"I nominate Tony Micelli for president." -Aah.

I second the nomination.

-All in favor of Tony for president, say "Aye." -Aye.

-Aye. -Aye.

Mr. Micelli, do you accept the nomination of your party?

Who, me? Why, I'd be honored.

Bravo, bravo.

Oh, thanks, Tony.

Selling a candidate is just like selling anything else. It's what I do for a living.

Oh, yeah. Well...

My only criticism...

Oh, you have a criticism?

It's the slogan.

It doesn't have the...

Doesn't have enough oomph.

Oomph?

You know, oomph?

Yes, I know, I invented oomph.

And I can tell you categorically

that this slogan has exactly the right amount of oomph.

I hurt your feelings, didn't I?

No, of course not. I'm a professional.

I'm used to dealing with pigheaded clients who think they know it all.

Well, I mean... You know, on second thought...

"Micelli's our man," eh? It's great. It's perfect. It's perfect.

Oh, you're the client. As long as you're happy.

Ah-ha.

I'm glad I found you two together.

Look what I got for your campaign.

Eh?

Now that's what I call oomph. Eh?

Well, I mean, uh, it's not bad, it's not bad.

Mother, I'm surprised you didn't stoop lower.

That I like, Mona. I mean, you got them coming and going.

Mother, you are pandering to the lowest common denominator.

Oh, thanks. I hoped you'd like it.

Oh, Mother, dear. Just...

Please don't wear it to the debate Friday night.

Oh, eh...

The what on Friday night?

Oh, just a little "meet the candidates" thing I set up.

You and Joanne, one on one.

Angela, I hope you're talking basketball.

Oh, Tony, trust me.

I'll get you ready. We'll go over every possible question.

Oh, I don't believe it.

Oh, come on, Tony. Don't worry.

AIL you have to do is stand up there, and be yourself.

Speak out about the issues.

They'll love you.

Thanks, Mona.

And it wouldn't hurt if you took your shirt off.

Hello, hi.

Hey, nice to see you. Thank you very much.

-Are you nervous? -Are you kidding me?

Not since you've been coaching me.

Come on, hit me with another one of those questions.

What's your position regarding school lunches?

Well, let me just say this about that.

Ketchup is not a vegetable.

-Tony. -Joanne.

Good luck tonight.

Now, we may be opponents,

but we can still be friends.

Yes.

Can I ask you a personal question?

Sure.

What're you paying for car insurance?

Well, I'd have to look that up, Joanne.

Well, whatever it is, I'm sure Walt can beat it.

It's too bad. I mean, she seems like such a nice lady.

Too bad I'm going to have to mop the floor with her.

We're going to start now. Candidates, please take your places.

Hello.

Um...

Have you decided who you're going to vote for yet?

Oh, not yet. That's why I'm here tonight. I'm keeping an open mind.

And on my right, the finest this community has to offer.

A man following in the tradition of Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln

and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Weighing in at 165 pounds, Tony Micelli.

Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony.

Tony. Tony.

Okay.

We're gonna start with a question for Joanne and then Tony has a chance to rebut.

Let the games begin.

The chair recognizes Beverly.

Um, Joanne, what do you consider to be your greatest strength

Unlike my worthy opponent, who's living in sin with his so-called boss.

Well, that certainly gets things rolling.

Tony, would you like to rebut?

Yeah, you bet I'll rebut.

That is a total lie.

I mean, Angela and I are employer and employee, and friends.

Oh, friends.

Wait a minute. What are you getting at?

Well, I mean two healthy, attractive adults cohabitating.

Are you telling me nothing ever happened?

Nothing.

No meaningful glances across the dinner table?

No.

No stolen caresses as you pass the butter or

oil or whatever it is you people use?

Never.

What, you expect us to believe that all this time you two have been living together

you've never shared a bed?

Uh...

Well, it was an accident. I... Uh...

Listen, I thought I was getting into somebody else's bed.

He handles himself well under pressure, huh?

See we were watching this scary movie, right?

So, Sam, Sam, had a nightmare.

So she came in to my room, but Jonathan was already there.

So she went to Angela's room.

So then Angela couldn't sleep so she went to Sam's room

so then Jonathan got sick and tired of listening to me snore

so he told me that Sam wanted me to sleep with her in her room so I went there

thinking it was her.

And it wasn't until the next morning that I found out it wasn't her.

How was I supposed to know it was Angela?

Mr. Micelli, the Parents' Association demands the truth.

Wait, that is the truth.

Eh, we never took our clothes off.

Tony, we're not on trial. We're here to discuss issues,

not whether or not we've seen each other naked.

Well, that was an accident too.

A-ha.

What are you a-ha-ing about? Look, I don't have a bathtub and she does.

I didn't even know she was home.

So I picked up my Captain Bubble and headed for water.

♪ Going down the path with my bubble bath, heigh-ho

♪ Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, heigh-ho

♪ Heigh-ho, heigh...

Holy smoke.

Well, so...

As you can see

it was an accident.

And you know statistics, they say, 90 percent of all household accidents

happen in the bathroom.

Are you telling me

you've never shared a true moment of passion?

Uh...

Well, that was an accident too.

Now, seriously. Now, wait, wait, wait... See...

See, it was Angela's birthday.

And I was baking her a cake.

Ah, stop it...

Angela, cut that out, you think that's funny?

Oh!

Hey, hey, have some flour.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

It could happen to anyone.

And you know what? It shouldn't even count because we were half crocked.

Uh, were there any other questions?

Well, we're ruined.

Our names have been dragged through the mud.

What are we going to do?

First thing in the morning, I'm gonna call Walt and cancel your insurance policy.

Yes. Yeah.

Thank you, Mother.

Your date came by and took one look at you.

I thought he was going to dump his groceries.

Yes, yes, Mother. You are right. That was bad.

But this is worse.

See, my skin cleared up, but my reputation is blemished forever.

Yeah, talk about blemished, huh?

Oh, boy, I mean, I gotta go stand in line at the grocery store

while people put down their National Enquirers and talk about me.

And me.

Oh, yeah, Angela. What was I thinking of? Gee.

Pff, I know you must feel a lot worse than I do.

Oh, thanks, thanks. That's very sensitive of you, Tony.

Yeah, I know how I'd feel if it was all my fault.

All my fault?

Well, I mean, the whole debate was your harebrained idea, wasn't it?

Well, then you must feel really bad since you're the one who choked.

I choked?

You opened your big mouth and jumped in with both feet.

Oh yeah? You're the one who set this whole thing up...

-What if I set it up... -Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You are both on the same side.

Of course, it is the losing side.

But, I mean, if you don't stand up for each other,

it's becoming very apparent that nobody one else will. Huh?

You know, Angela, she's right.

She's right. You know Joanne is responsible for this.

Now she's accusing us of doing things that we never did.

Or even thought about.

Do me a favor, would you?

Please come over here and just stir this for a while so I can get the butter.

-We have to get this campaign back on the track. -Like that.

-Hey, no, no, no, no, no. No, not like that. Like this. See here, come here.

Now, hold like that. Okay, go ahead. Yeah.

We just have to dispel any suggestion that you and I are in any way intimate.

I'll stir.

Uh, I'll get you the butter or oil, or whatever it is we people use.

Angela, this is ridiculous now.

We're over-reacting. Things aren't even normal around here anymore.

No, I know, you're right. You know, people in this neighborhood know us.

They're not going to fall for this.

They've probably forgotten about it already.

That's right.

Ah, here they are. The decadent duo.

Did you know that you two have been spotted in the cemetery?

Romping naked in the moonlight?

The last thing we need right now is more gossip.

Oh. Even if it is about Joanne Parker?

Dish it out, Mona.

Well, it seems that her pool man visited her four times last month.

So?

So, she hasn't got a pool.

All right, Mona. All right.

Now, we got her, we got her.

And I'm gonna show her what mudslinging is all about.

-She'll rue the day she raked your muck.

-Ooh. -Sorry to rain on your parade, but we can't use it.

Why not?

Because two wrongs don't make a right.

What about three wrongs?

We are going to win this election fair and square.

Well, that's the hard way.

It's the only way.

Well,

let me know if you want to hear about Joanne and Don the dry cleaner.

When she drops her clothes off

so does he.

Angela, Angela. Are you sure we can win this election without using that stuff?

Absolutely.

I hope you're right, Angela. Gee, I want this.

I want this. I mean...

You know, this place has been really good for Sam, you know?

And I would like to give something back.

I mean, these are good people here. They're good people.

Oh, eh.

Oh, my stars.

You see them too?

Who did that to you? Who gave you that shiner?

Some creeps at the park. They were bugging us.

So we popped them one.

Jonathan.

Well, actually, Sam popped them.

I kicked them when they were down.

All right, young lady. Now, what did I tell you about fighting?

Lead with my left.

You know what I mean.

They deserved it.

They've been riding us all day.

About what?

Just your basic stuff.

Mom, are you and Tony doing something wrong?

Absolutely not, sweetheart.

That's what Sam told them.

Right before she made them eat dirt.

It's, uh... I don't believe it's gone this far.

Yeah, hey, look, kids. Go wash up for dinner. Go ahead. Go ahead.

Oh, darn.

That kid's tooth chipped my nail polish.

He'll pay for that one.

All right. I don't believe it. I mean...

It's one thing to pick on us,

but they're picking on the kids.

All right, look, you're my campaign manager.

What do you think I should do?

Tony, Angela, no hard feelings, I hope?

We all want what's best for the kids.

Yeah, sure, Joanne.

Joanne, that's a lovely blouse.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, Joanne, who does your dry cleaning?

Don Simpson. Why do you ask?

Oh, well, I'm just looking for a new place.

I understand that Don has the best one-hour service in town.

Attention, may I have your attention please?

It's time to elect our new president.

Wendy. Um...

I have something to say and, uh...

I got to say it before the election.

Uh, point of privilege.

Point of what?

Is that really a thing?

I hereby withdraw from the election.

MAN: What?

Never mind.

Do you want to tell us why?

No.

I'll tell you why.

No, Angela, please. It's over. Forget it.

I don't want to forget it.

Tony Micelli has been living with me for almost two years now.

But, I see you all know that.

But what you may not know is that this man is a fighter.

He's never run away from a fight in his life.

And I just saw him resign.

And I ask you why?

Do you want us to guess?

Tony Micelli moved here

so that his daughter could have the benefits of growing up

in a great community like ours.

But now she's being teased and tormented by this smear campaign.

A campaign that is utterly without foundation

or truth.

Really? You mean there's nothing between you two?

Yes, there is.

There's friendship.

And there's respect.

And caring.

But nothing good?

This community needs a man like Tony Micelli.

Angela, it's too late, he's already dropped out of the race.

Well, that's our loss.

Because he's the finest man I know.

And I trust him

with the most precious thing in my life.

My son.

And she lets him drive her Jaguar too.

He is the best thing that ever happened to Jonathan.

He's the best thing that ever happened to me.

And he is the best thing that could ever happen to this Parents' Association.

I re-nominate Tony Micelli for president.

I re-second the nomination.

Let's hear it for Tony Micelli.

Angela.

That was... That was beautiful. I mean...

I thought I'd have to be dead to hear things like that said about me.

It was a nice speech, wasn't it?

Wait a minute.

You were the one

who talked me into resigning.

Oh, was I?

You did that so you can get their attention

and then you could make this big speech, huh?

What's a campaign strategist without a strategy?

I'm just glad that they went for it before I had to sing God Bless America.

Huh, uh. Gee, I...

I don't know if I've mentioned this to you, Angela, but...

You've got a lot of oomph.

Oh, thank you, Mr. President.

♪ God bless America

♪ Land that I love

♪ Stand beside her and guide... ♪

TONY: Who's the Boss? will be back in a moment. Stick around.

Hey, Angela. We really did it, didn't we?

Yeah, we really did.

Yeah, you know...

All that stuff you said about, uh,

you know, me being the best thing that's ever happened to the Parents' Association?

Yeah.

You know, and about, uh,

me being the best thing that's ever happened to Jonathan?

Yeah.

And, uh,

about me being, uh,

the best thing that's ever happened to you?

Did I say that?

I think I heard you, yeah.

Well, that was just all part of the campaign.

That's what I thought.