Original subtitles

(funky music) (static hissing)

(traffic humming)

(upbeat music)

(audience cheering)

- Whoo!

- Man, the food here got lots better

when they took Vinny's momma off the stage

and put her in the kitchen.

- Yeah, but I'm gonna miss her.

These new girls they ain't got no tits.

(Cheech and Lucky laughing)

- Mom, I see the menu hasn't changed.

- [Mom] You'll spoil your appetite.

(group cheering)

(nose snorting)

(group clapping)

- This is (speaks in foreign language).

How can we sit here and eat

when three of our boys have been killed in the past week?

- Yeah, you hear about No Nose Tony?

They're still scraping his guts off of the sidewalk.

- You guys are mental.

He fell fixing his roof.

- That's bullshit.

I don't feel safe.

- Lucky, you wouldn't feel safe

fucking in a field of four-leaf clovers.

I gotta go take a squirt.

(group chattering)

- Now where are you going?

- I'm going to the choke the cannoli.

I'll be right back.

- You're a real fucking class act, Cheech, you know. (sighs)

(funky music)

Mary Mother of God.

- Do something.

- Baby, you've been replaced.

(Married Patron groans)

- That's one hell of a nun.

- I wanna know who's the sick fuck

who okayed that whore to dress like that?

- Damned if I know.

I didn't even know they hired a new girl.

- Can you believe that fucking Lucky, Bobo?

I swear to god if his mother didn't run the operation

he'd be taking swimming lessons in the Providence River

with concrete water weights. (chuckles)

Bobo.

Hey, Bobo!

(speaking in foreign language)

Bobo, what gives?

This ain't no game of hide and seek.

Bobo!

- Hi, I got a confession for ya, Sister.

I only wear this ring to pick up the chicks.

- Oh, baby, when I'm done with you,

you know what you're gonna be picking up?

- What's that, Sister?

- Your fucking guts off the floor.

(brooding music) (foot thuds)

(body thuds) (Married Patron groaning)

Does anyone else have something to confess?

(group yelling)

- There's a killer on the!

(gun banging)

(Go-go Dancer screaming)

- Boss, I got someone down here you should take a look at.

- Kill her.

(guns banging)

- I hope my dear mother doesn't find out about this.

(gun banging)

(Lucky yells)

(gun banging)

(gun banging)

(gun banging)

(body thuds)

(gun banging)

(body thuds)

(gun banging)

(gun clicking)

- You bitch!

I'm gonna eat your fucking guts like they were manicotti.

- Ta-da!

(grenade clicks)

(grenade clangs) (screen whooshes)

(explosion booming) (man groaning)

(body crashing)

- Jesus Christ.

(hand whooshes)

(gun bangs) (Lucky groaning)

- Where's Corbucci?

- Cor, who?

I don't know any Corbucci, I swear to God.

- You can swear to God all you want, jerk off.

I do his dirty work,

and I can tell you that God doesn't give one fuck about you!

- Please, I'm a good Catholic.

- Where is he?

I was told he'd be here tonight.

You have three seconds.

(gun bangs) (ominous music)

(body thuds)

- A hitman disguised as a nun,

now I fuckin' seen it all, haven't I?

- Corbucci, shouldn't you be home

fucking your mother? (laughs)

- Nice talk.

That's, really that's nice talk.

But none of that matters anymore

because now I've got you.

Vengeance is mine, bitch.

(gun bangs)

(cross beeping)

(brooding music) (computer beeping)

- I knew she was no match for them.

- She didn't have time for proper training,

for proper guidance.

We've become to hasty in sending

these novices out into the field.

- But there was no time.

Operation Friday Plant was a top priority

as you well know, Sister.

- With Sister Envy eliminated,

who's going to take her place?

(Cardinal wheezing)

(man vocalizing)

- The next chosen nun is many miles away,

and we have been watching this nun closely.

And this nun is dynamite.

(birds chirping)

- Really, Sister Kelly, I can see

that I should take at least partial responsibility for this.

I should have made

your first solitary meditation a little longer,

after the um, the shower incident.

- Hey, don't try to pin that on me, Mother Superior,

that wasn't my fault.

- Nonsense!

In all of my years in giving service to the good Lord,

I have never, ever seen such reckless behavior.

(ethereal music) (water splashing)

- Have you ever noticed

how wonderful breasts are, Sister Kelly?

- Huh?

- What a gift from the Lord they are.

They have so many uses.

- Yeah, well, not when you're a nun,

then they're about as useful as hubcaps on a tractor.

- Oh, come one now, Sister Kelly, that's not the spirit.

I mean your breasts are like your two best friends,

they're always there when you need them.

- Best friends hardly.

- You just haven't properly learned

how to love your breasts.

Let me help show you how.

(elbow thuds) (Sister Sappho groans)

- For the last time, Sister Sappho,

when are you gonna stop being such a sucker for my tits?

- I can see now that what happened that day

is a mere symptom of a bigger problem

of temperament, and self-control.

- But Mother, I-

- No, there is nothing you can say to change.

- But he- - No!

There is no mitigating circumstances

in which you ever lay hands on a priest.

- The laying on of hands is venerated tradition,

but laying someone out with a communion chalice

is something else entirely.

- Yes, Father, you're right.

I am sure that Sister Kelly is sorry.

- No! (fist thuds)

I don't feel bad about it.

He was sodomizing one

of the parishioners in the confessional.

God knows he deserved worse, and I would have to

but those cups are too damn flimsy

to bash somebody's head in with!

- The confessional is a place of sacred secrecy.

- No! (fist thuds)

Look we've all had sex in the confessional before,

but we are not all trying to ball a 14-year-old girl scout.

- I was do nothing of the sort.

I was simply trying to-

- Grab her cookies.

- Enough!

Sister Kelly, I don't care what the father

was doing in the confessional

or who he was doing in the confessional,

that is not what matters here today.

What matters is that you are not fit to be a nun

at Our Lady of the Blessed Passivity.

I've transferred you to St. Vrains.

- No!

- Yes, St. Vrains of the unrepentant sinner.

After a year there you will be praying to come back.

(Kelly snarling)

(group chattering)

- Have fun at St. Vrains.

That's where all the bad girls go.

And when you get really bad, (grunts)

you can come back to me.

(fist thuds) (Priest groaning)

(body thudding)

(slow tempo rock music)

(foot thuds)

- [Kelly] Cocksucker.

♪ Gotta believe I can do anything I set my mind to ♪

♪ Even though it's a lie ♪

♪ It'll get me through ♪

♪ Board up the windows, lock all the doors ♪

♪ Ain't coming now till I come around ♪

♪ Done with this big talking small town ♪

♪ And it was last call for me ♪

♪ When I saw what I ♪

- Hey now, got a good look to you.

Cute face.

And that bag you're wearing

can't keep that slamming body of yours under wraps.

You got a name, pudding?

Hey, I'm just trying to be friendly.

(suspenseful music)

- Hey, watch where you're going.

- She just couldn't take her eyes off of Emilio back there.

- I'm sorry.

- Hey, now was that polite.

I just wanted to know what your name was.

- My name's Kelly Johnson.

I'm a novice in the Carmelite order of nuns.

(group laughing)

- Hey. - Really?

'Cause I thought your name was pussy.

And you're gonna be working for me from here on out, pussy.

(Kelly screams)

(body thuds)

It's time for you to eat the host, Sister.

- How about some nuts for an appetizer?

(suspenseful music) (foot thuds)

(Emilio groans) (Mohawk and Tiny laughing)

- You fucking bitch!

- (laughs) She's not gonna give it up easy, Emilio.

- Shut up.

Come hold her down.

(hand slaps) (Kelly screams)

(foot thuds)

(foot thuds) (Tiny groans)

- You better watch out you don't hurt yourself.

Can't just bust in a nun like any old bitch.

The cherries are all pit.

(fist thuds) (Kelly groans)

You could snap it off in there.

- Broken harder pussies than this one.

- Tiny, put here up face down.

(Kelly grunts)

She wants to be a pain in the ass,

can play that way too.

(Emilio groans)

(body thuds) (dramatic music)

(Tiny gasps) (blood dripping)

(fist thuds) (Tiny groans)

(body thuds) (suspenseful music)

- Which one of you motherfuckers is next to die?

- Stupid fuckin', whore!

(gun bangs)

(gun thuds) (Mohawk groans)

(bones cracking) (Mohawk groaning)

(body thuds) (Mohawk groans)

(Mohawk groaning)

(head thudding)

- Monsters!

Try to rape a nun!

(head thuds)

(leaves rustling)

- Hey, pussy.

I'm not done with you yet.

(gun bangs)

(body thuds)

(group vocalizing) (ominous music)

- Sister Kelly Johnson.

- Yeah, you must be from St. Vrains.

- Sister Kelly Johnson, prepare to meet your maker.

- What?

(gun bangs)

(ethereal music)

(woman vocalizing)

- Are you Sister Kelly?

- Yes, I, um, did I, have I, is this hell?

- No, it's not hell, toots.

- Who are you?

- Well, I'm Oscar, your guardian angel.

- Guardian angel?

Where the hell were you when those goons

where trying to rape me?

- Wait, back off.

- And where the hell where you

when I was getting my ass blown away

by an AK-47, huh?

Some guardian angel you are.

- Bitch, I was buying smokes.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to get menthol up here?

Now get off my fucking case

before I send you straight to hell.

Angels can do that you know.

- Okay, okay.

- Geez Louise.

Come on Sister Short Fuse, I got somethin' to show ya.

- Sisters and Sisters, I am pleased

to introduce to you tonight's main attraction.

The Gurby parishioner is proud to present

the one, the only, the king.

- You have Elvis here?

- No, not, not quite.

(upbeat music)

♪ My father who art in these clouds ♪

♪ Would be so proud ♪

♪ We've been able to assemble such a crowd ♪

♪ You'll notice these clouds are the highest ♪

♪ And not that he's biased ♪

♪ But Daddy reserves the best for the pious ♪

♪ I'm honored to be with such good-looking ladies ♪

♪ Who've stood for abstaining all your lives ♪

♪ When you could ♪

♪ My dears, I love you all ♪

♪ We'll be having a ball ♪

♪ Did I mention that, that heaven has a dance hall ♪

♪ Sister, sister, temptation resister ♪

♪ Now you're here with me ♪

♪ Your sanctity is ironclad ♪

♪ My sympathetic aesthetics ♪

♪ You're all so unapologetic ♪

♪ For the fact that you've devoted your lives to my dad ♪

- (gasps) Is that?

- Yes, it is.

That's the J Man.

Ain't he a beaut?

- Why are you still naked?

- 'Cause I'm an angel.

♪ My children your work on earth is over ♪

♪ So why remain sober ♪

♪ If you'd like some blood of Christ ♪

♪ I'll be donor ♪

♪ Sweet vestals, heaven's a celebration ♪

♪ Eternity's vacation ♪

♪ And your presence here might be my last temptation ♪

♪ So please enjoy your stay on cloud nine ♪

♪ I can assure you ladies that you look divine ♪

♪ So let me turn some of this water into wine ♪

♪ And resurrect this party like it's 1899 ♪

(group vocalizing)

♪ Sister, sister, temptation resister ♪

♪ Now you're here with me your sanctity is ironclad ♪

♪ My sympathetic aesthetics ♪

♪ You're all so unapologetic for the fact ♪

♪ That you've devoted your lives to my dad ♪

♪ Sister, sister, temptation resister ♪

♪ Now you're here with me your sanctity is ironclad ♪

♪ My sympathetic aesthetics ♪

♪ You're all so unapologetic for the fact ♪

♪ That you've devoted your lives to my dad ♪

(Nun gurgling)

- This is amazing.

- I know.

He wants to meet with you backstage after the performance.

(gentle music)

Hey, Chief, I got someone here to see ya.

- I'm so glad you could make it, Sister Kelly.

Oscar, hand 'em over.

- But, boss.

- Thank you.

You can go no, Oscar.

- You know my name, Lord.

- Please, call me husband not Lord.

Bride of Christ means just that,

I'm married to every last nun,

which is ironic because back on earth

that would make me a Mormon.

(Kelly and Jesus laughing)

- Uh, why am I here, husband?

- To train.

- What?

- I'm sending you back as a emissary on earth.

- Uh, I'm no prophet.

I, I wouldn't know what to say,

and (sighs) people keep telling me

that I have this wicked temper problem.

- I'm not sending you back as a prophet.

I'm sending back as a sanctified crusader,

a member of the Order of the Black Habit.

- The what?

- The Order of the Black Habit.

Since you've already gained access into heaven,

you know mortal sins aren't a problem for you anymore.

Let's face it some people just need to die.

- What?

- (scoffs) Don't get all bent out of shape about it.

I mean these are people that weren't gonna be saved anyway.

You know like drug dealers, and pimps, mafia dons,

CEOs of major corporations, you know that kind of thing.

- This is got to be some sort of mistake.

- No, it's not.

I've seen your work back on earth.

The Order of the Black Habit would be a perfect fit for you.

- Well, what do I have to lose?

- That's the spirit.

But first we train.

(insects chirping)

(fist thuds) (ominous music)

- Oh, the Order of the Black Habit,

why didn't I think of that before?

It all makes sense, yeah.

You think I'm fuckin' idiot?

You seriously gonna sit there

and look at me in my eye,

and tell me there's a secret organization

of supernatural vigilante nuns,

what do I look like, huh?

What do I fucking look like?

The type of mook?

- I'm telling you the truth.

You must believe me.

For over 1500 years The Order of the Black Habit

has been fighting crime

and keeping the world safe from evil.

They answer only to the pope.

- Boss, uh, maybe he's tellin' the truth.

I mean after all he is a priest.

- I swear to God in heaven,

I wouldn't lie to you, Mr. Corbucci.

- I believe you, I really do.

I'll tell you what,

you tell me where their hideout is, Priest,

and I swear on my mother's grave,

I'll let you walk out of here.

- You don't understand, every member of the clergy

has taken an oath of silence concerning the details

of The Order of the Black Habit.

(crutch thuds) (Priest groaning)

I'll be damned to Hell for all eternity

if I utter a word.

- Hell?

(group laughing)

Hear that boys, he's afraid of hell.

You see I'm the one you should be afraid of, Priest.

All the fires of hell are nothing compared

to what I got in store for you

if you don't start talking.

- Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.

- Untie him.

- Thy kingdom come.

- It's not Friday is it boys?

- No, boss, it's uh, it's Tuesday.

- Good, then we can have meat for dinner.

(group laughing)

- No, Vincent, my son.

For the love all that's holy don't do this.

I'm married you and your wife.

- Yeah, and I hate that bitch.

(group laughing)

- [Priest] No, no!

(Priest screaming)

(ethereal music)

- Now I know why cows are sacred, they taste divine.

- I'm supposed to learn how to fight from you?

You're a pacifist.

- Oh, you are mistaken.

I was never a pacifist.

I mastered fighting without fighting,

the highest level of martial arts you can achieve,

which is why they send all new recruits to me.

- Fair enough.

So what do I get to learn first?

- Oh, the deadliest of all martial arts, nun fu.

(suspenseful music)

(arms whoosh) (bodies whoosh)

- Hey, aren't you suppose to teach me some moves first?

- No, need, these are demon ninjas that were created

to harmonize your body with the fighting spirit within you.

The harder you fight the more knowledgeable you will become.

Now enough talk.

Let's get it on.

(arm whooshes)

(fists thudding)

(foot thuds) (Kelly groans)

(fist thudding)

(fist thuds) (Kelly groans)

(Kelly groans) (body thuds)

(foot thuds) (Kelly groans)

(foot thudding) (Kelly groaning)

(fists thudding)

(foot thuds)

(body thuds) (Kelly groans)

(Kelly panting)

- I give up.

They're too much, I can't win.

(electricity buzzing) (Kelly screaming)

- Get up, I will have no coward nuns in my dojo.

- Whatever happened to turn the other cheek?

- (chuckles) Silly Sister, these are demon ninjas.

Now get up and find your inner warrior nun.

(electricity buzzing) (Kelly screaming)

(suspenseful music)

(Kelly yelling)

(foot thuds) (body thuds)

(fist thuds) (Ninja groans)

(knee thuds) (Ninja groans)

(foot thuds) (Ninja groans)

(Kelly yells) (Ninja groans)

(fist thuds) (Ninja groans)

(Kelly grunting)

(fist thudding)

(Ninja groans)

(foot thuds)

(Kelly yells) (body thuds)

Congratulations, you have reached the highest level

of understanding of unarmed combat.

There is nothing further I can teach you.

Just remember the nun

that hesitates horizontally meditates.

(electricity buzzing) (Kelly groans)

(Gandhi laughing)

- So Mohamed says to the hooker,

"That's all I get for a buck."

(group laughing)

(screen whooshes)

- What the hell was that?

- Oh, don't mind him.

Gandhi, fantastic instructor, brilliant martial artist,

he's just a little-

- He hit me with a fucking cattle prod!

- Sounds like she got off easy.

- That's right, Lord.

- Well, here's something that'll put a smile on your face.

(screen whooshes)

(birds chirping)

(guns banging)

(tires screeching) (suspenseful music)

- I quit, I quit!

(halo whooshes)

(guns banging)

(tires screeching)

(Jesus laughing)

- Are you sure this okay, husband?

- Well, you gotta learn to shoot

and he's gotta learn to quit smoking

so it all works out.

(brooding music)

- There are some commandments that are not written in stone.

- And what are those, oh mighty Moses?

- Thou shall not fuck with nuns.

(upbeat funky music) (group cheering)

(screen whooshes)

(Kelly chuckles)

- Well, that was fun.

- Yeah.

- Well, it's nearly time, are you ready to go back?

- Oh, I don't feel ready,

and I don't wanna leave you.

- (chuckles) Well, I'm sure we'll be seeing

each other at some point.

Good luck down there.

(grunting) No.

We'll have none of that.

(screen whooshes)

- Sister Lust, how do you like your sausage?

- Hot, thick, and juicy.

- Uh, do you want it in your buns?

I mean on a bun, the singular, not the pubic, the plural.

- Honey, at this point I'll take it any way

and anywhere I can get it.

(glass bangs)

- How do you get a nun pregnant?

- How? - You dress her up

as an altar boy. (laughs)

- (sighs) Mother Superior, in five, four, three, two.

(electricity buzzing)

(upbeat music) (Kelly coughing)

- Welcome back from paradise, Sister Wrath.

- Sister Wrath?

- Yes, you've been rechristened

now that you're the newest member

of The Order of the Black Habit.

- Are you ready to pass judgment

on those who would prey on the weak and the helpless?

- Are you willing to send the scum

of the earth straight to hell?

- Okey-dokey.

- What?

(bells ringing)

(traffic humming)

(brooding music)

(button buzzes) (door whooshing)

- First let me make some introductions.

I'm the Mother Superior of St. Vrains.

You may just call me Mother.

This is my assistant, Father Sheamus O'Bannon.

He handles logistics, blesses our weapons,

and takes care of all the little things

that help our convent run smoothly.

Also Father Francis Thomas.

He conducts weddings, takes confession,

and also cooks our meals.

And I believe you've already met

some of our other initiates.

Sisters Lust, Pride, and Gluttony.

- These are the freaks that shot me in the alley.

- God's will, bitch.

- Sister Gluttony!

It was predestination.

You had to die in order to be reborn.

It's, it's.

- It's a mystery.

- Yes, quite.

(screen whirring)

Now for your first mission.

It is traditional for a nun to take care

of the person that killed their predecessor.

- Predecessor?

(projector clicks) (brooding music)

- This is, was Sister Envy.

She was murdered while trying to take out Ricardo Corbucci,

one of the most feared members of the Rizzo crime family.

(projector clicks)

For the past 10 years the Rizzo crime family

have committed all manner of crimes

against the people of this city.

Their primary business is in prostitution

and as a result they have a huge presence

in human trafficking, narcotics, and bribery,

and they're not afraid

to kill any one that gets in their way.

- Corbucci and his men take their orders

from Louise Rizzo, aka Momma Rizzo,

arguably the fiercest mobster on the East Coast.

She's also, we believe responsible for the death

of Father Jacob Michaels this week.

(projector clicks)

- One morning we awoke to what appeared

to be a fresh shipment of hamburger

on the front door of our church.

Good thing we discovered his church ID

while making meatballs out of him for the homeless shelter.

Now go forth, Sister Wrath,

load your guns with bullets

and fill your heart with the love of the Lord.

(camera snaps)

(traffic humming)

- Detective Vargas, we found these near the body.

- Saint Christopher's medal, used to wear these as kids.

Not a Catholic, huh?

- No, sir, Baptist.

- Saint Christopher carried the baby Jesus across the river,

that's what Christopher means, Christ bearer.

He's supposed to look over you, you know protect you.

- Well, he didn't do such a good job

with these stiffs, did he?

- Unless he was protecting someone else.

Have it checked for prints.

- [Cop] Right away, Detective Vargas.

- I've been trying to catch you and your buddies

for over a year now, fuck face.

I guess somebody up there likes me after all.

(wind blowing)

(leaves rustling)

(brooding music)

(gun clicking)

(door creaks)

- Sugar, you better know what you're doing in there.

This isn't Sunday school, this is the real world.

- I'll be fine.

- I don't know, you look like a little girl

from where I'm standing.

You look like you might actually start

to cry if there's trouble.

- Fuck off!

- Remember, you're not a cat,

as a nun you only have two lives

if you get blown away tonight then it's goodnight Irene.

- Why are fucking riding me, bitch?

- Because the first night I saw you in that alley

I knew you weren't worthy

of being a member of The Black Habit.

You're just a pussy nun.

(gun thudding) (funky music)

(Sister Gluttony groaning) (foot thuds)

(body thuds) (Sister Gluttony groans)

(body thuds) (Sister Gluttony groans)

- Sister Gluttony,

(fist thuds) (Sister Gluttony groans)

I'm gonna be the habit that breaks you.

(fist thudding) (Sister Gluttony groaning)

- Prepare to receive good news, jive turkey!

(gun whooshes)

(Sister Gluttony laughing)

You got serious moxie, kid.

Welcome to the club.

(funky sultry music)

(group chattering)

- So I woke up for two days, my ma saw the coke,

she snorts it.

Ma, what you doing?

Boom.

(group chattering)

- I've been living there all my life.

You want a piece of chicken?

- [Mobster] Yeah, all right, I'll take one.

- Hey, it's good Italian chicken I'll tell ya.

- You want a meatball?

- Yeah, I want a meatball. - You want a meatball,

here take your fuckin' meatball.

- Mr. Corbucci, what a pleasure to see you this evening.

Your usual table I'm sure.

- That'll be just fine, Mario.

Thank you.

(group chattering)

I see everybody's enjoying their dinner tonight.

That's good, that's good.

We'll eat up, huh.

(speaks in foreign language)

Gather your strength 'cause tomorrow,

tomorrow we go penguin hunting.

Yeah, you heard me.

I want a city wide search of all the churches,

and I wanna find out who's harboring these murderers,

and when you find 'em,

I want them deader than Judas.

- Oh, Madon' I hope my mother doesn't find out about this.

- I want those fuckin' nuns dead, dead, dead, dead!

- [Vincent] Small potatoes, boss.

- What are you taking about small potatoes?

Those nuns killed some of our best men.

- No, boss, small potatoes, I love 'em.

- Hey, sweet cheeks, got someone to keep me

and my friend warm for the ride home?

(funky ominous music)

- Sure thing, greaseball.

(gun clicks)

(gun bangs) (body thuds)

- What the fuck was that?

(gun clicks)

(gun bangs) (Mobster screams)

- Everyone sit down and shut the fuck up!

Okay, everyone, this is what us nuns commonly refer

to as a come to Jesus meeting.

In other words we are gonna find out who's been naughty

and who's been nice.

Bruno Cozzi, the church finds you guilty

of the sins of extortion, murder, and drug trafficking.

How do you plead?

- Uh, uh, uh, I'm innocent.

I was framed.

- Wrong answer.

(gun clicks) (gun bangs)

(screen whooshes)

- [Richie] What's going in there?

- There's a really pissed off nun in there

inflicting a righteous judgment.

(gun whooshes)

- Lucio Bavo, the church finds you guilty

of the sins of murder, racketeering,

and child pornography, you sick fuck.

How do you plead?

- I demand the right to speak to an attorney.

- Sure thing. (gun clicks)

You'll find plenty of 'em in hell.

- Lucio!

- I told him to stay away from the child porn.

- Okay, here's the fuckin' plan.

- Guilty! - Vincent, Paulie,

you guys go to the rear and call for backup.

- Guilty. - What,

what should I do, boss?

- You're gonna kill that fuckin' nun.

- Okay.

What?

- Now I know you might all think

that I have a bit of temper problem

but there's just something about mobsters

that really cheeses me off.

(glass shattering)

- They don't call me Lucky for nothing.

(Kelly whooshes)

- You're so unlucky that you could fall into a barrel

of tits and come out sucking your thumb.

- [Lucky] Oh, no. (screams)

My hand.

- She'll be fine.

(Lucky groaning)

- If any of you could tell me

where I could find Richie Corbucci,

I just might let you go back

to finishing your overpriced chicken cacciatore.

- Hey, penguin.

(gun bangs) (group yelling)

(gun bangs)

Hey, hey, hey, hey, calm down, huh, no hard feelings.

I'll tell you what, I swear on my grandmother's eyes,

you put that gun down

I'll let you walk out of here alive.

- Well, I bet she won't see this coming.

(gun bangs) (Richie yelling)

(table thuds)

- Oh, thank god, I'm alive.

Holy shit!

- Get in.

(car door bangs)

(car door bangs)

Are you hurt, are you okay?

- No, I'm fine, hardly a scratch.

- And?

- Dead, they're all dead, Corbucci included.

- Well, well, I think this calls for a celebration.

(cork pops)

(group cheering)

- Ooh, oh, baby.

- Ooh.

- That was nice.

(group laughing)

Now who wants some?

(Sister Lust laughing)

- I'm gonna feel it in the morning

but it's always worth it.

(group laughing)

- What the bubbly or the bottle?

- Well, both if you're doing it right. (laughing)

(group laughing)

- Well, you can't have it.

It's my party so I get the bottle if I want it.

(group laughing)

- Then you can have it.

- What, I'm willing to share.

- Ooh.

(group laughing)

- Father Thomas, are you peeping?

- Uh, no, no, um, uh, I was just uh, polishing the knob.

(group chuckling)

The, the doorknob 'cause it, it was, it was dusty.

- Well, Father, anytime you wanna taste the forbidden fruit

you know which door to knock on.

- Oh, dear Lord help me.

(door bangs)

(group laughing)

- [Cop] Let's get three of 'em down there

and get all those people-

- [Cop 2] Captain, we got one more possible witness here.

- Here? - Yeah.

- Okay. - Those people stay in back.

Make sure you get a name.

- Someone wasn't very happy with their bill.

- We got 10 stiffs in total all from the Rizzo family.

Two of 'em are gonna be a bitch to identify.

- Why is that, Sam?

- Well, how do use dental records

when their heads are blown off?

- I told you this case was gonna be like pulling teeth.

- We found him hiding in the upright freezer

near the rib roast.

He says, "His name name is Mario Dematto."

- Hey, Mario, be a pal will you,

tell us who did this,

otherwise I'm gonna have to stick

you back in the freezer, okay.

Come on, you can do it.

(Mario whimpering)

Come on, let it out.

Come on, we get paid by the hour now, come on.

(Mario whimpering)

That's it, sweetheart, come on, let it out.

- Nun!

- What's the good word, Vargas?

- Well, it looks like what we have here

is a psychopathic vigilante nun

armed with a 12 gauge shotgun on savage murder spree.

- You know that's just the kind of story the press

is gonna love to blow out of proportion.

- What?

What?

You just let another nun stroll into one of our businesses

and whack half my best men.

(Richie groaning)

- Got a arm full of balls here, kid.

- What have you gone all faggoty on me, Richie, is that it?

- Hold still, Richie.

(flesh tearing)

(Richie groans)

- No, Momma, it's not like that.

It's just that, you know.

- What do I know?

The only thing I know is I gotta replace all these stiffs,

and if you don't start showing me some results

fuckin' pronto, you'll get replaced to.

Now what's the goddamn problem, Richie?

- The problem is, is that they're nuns.

Every time they show up my boys they freeze.

They think that if they kill nun

they'll go straight to hell. (groaning)

- Come on.

- Or worse.

- Are you fuckin' kidding me?

You kill who I order you to kill.

I don't give a shit if they're nuns, Mother Teresa

or Pope John Paul I for fuck sake.

- Momma, Pope John Paul I is already dead.

- Shut up, I know that.

Don't you think I know that?

I was speaking metaphorically.

Just look at what they did to my poor boy.

Now I'm gonna have to go back to wiping his fanny again

like when he was six.

- Momma, jeez, not in front of the guys.

- Momma, I don't mean any disrespect

but why you hate nuns so much?

(pensive music)

- Well, years ago before I became the most feared mom boss

in all of New England, I, I wanted to be a nun.

(Paulie laughs)

(cucumber thuds) (Paulie groans)

Shut up shit stain,

I'm tellin' an emotional story over here.

- I'm sorry, Momma.

- Well, those twittering little twats down at the convent

they said, "I was too uncouth for the sisterhood."

You believe that happy horse shit?

- I'm overwhelmed with incredulity.

- Me too, uncouth my balls.

Well, when they wouldn't let me pledge myself to God,

I sold my soul to the Devil

for wealth, and power, and beauty.

And now to honor Satan I help him by damming those souls.

I provide people with vices

like drugs, and alcohol and gambling, and whores.

- Momma, you feeling all right?

(Momma laughing)

- You think I'm crazy don't you?

Well, I'll show you who's crazy.

I have a solution to our little problem.

A killer who doesn't fear anyone not even the clergy.

(traffic humming)

(fist thudding)

(Lou groaning)

(fist thuds) (Viper groans)

(fist thuds)

- Oh, the jew-manity.

(Viper grunting)

(fist thuds)

- Viper, you got a call.

(body thuds)

- This better be good.

All right, I'll be there in a half hour.

(phone clicks)

- Jeez, Viper, Lou's dead.

- He was dead the minute he stepped in the ring with me.

(brooding klezmer music)

- Momma, I don't mean any disrespect

but I don't feel too comfortable

about bringing an outsider down here to do our job.

I mean I got a reputation to uphold

and the boys they look up at me.

- Lucky, get the door.

- Ma, come on, look at me.

(door clicks)

(door bangs)

(brooding klezmer music)

Who the hell are you?

Listen, the Silverbird bar mitzvah two doors over.

So uh, why don't you take it on the heels, okay?

Look, jew boy, why don't you take that hook nose of yours

and get the hell.

(fist thuds) (Lucky groaning)

(hands clapping)

- Well, I haven't seen you since Christ was a cowboy.

Richie, let me introduce you

to Viper Goldstein, the murderist mohel.

He once wiped out a whole gang in an afternoon

and still made it home on time for an evening bris.

Viper, say hello to the boys.

- Shalom, scumbags.

- So Viper, do you think you can help rid us

of our little problem?

- Sure, and this week I'm running a special,

5,000 for priest, 10,000 for bishops, and 1,000 for nuns.

- Why so cheap for nuns?

- I like killing nuns.

- Ma, you can't just let some Hebrew hard-on

walk in here and take over our operation.

- And why not?

- Because his people killed Christ.

(ominous music)

(blades whoosh)

(hat whooshes)

(head thuds)

- Well, do you have anything you'd like to add to this?

- His fighting style's uh unorthodox.

(ominous klezmer music) (Viper laughing)

(hands clapping)

(Momma laughing)

(Lucky groaning)

(Momma laughing)

(Viper laughing)

(traffic humming)

- Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray the Lord my soul to keep,

if I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.

God bless Mother Superior, Father O'Bannon, the Sisters,

Smith & Wesson, President Jimmy Carter,

whoever invented beer.

- Are you asleep, Sister Wrath?

- No.

You can call me Kelly.

- You can call me Jenna.

Kelly, can I ask you a question?

- Sure.

- Why did you join the sisterhood?

- Well, I'm an orphan.

- Sorry.

What happened to your parents?

(gentle pensive music)

- My dad was a cop working

on a case involving the Falsto crime family.

- I think I've heard of them.

Didn't they- - When I was 12

I woke up to the sound of gunshots

coming from the living room.

I just thought it was the TV,

so I ran down there, and I saw my parents

being shot to death by a mafia hitman.

- What did you do?

- What could I do?

I hid as fast as I could.

Took everything I had not to scream or cry,

but I saw them, I saw them die.

- Kelly, I'm sorry.

- After that I was sent to an orphanage.

It was seeing the Sisters there

that made me wanna become a nun.

When I made my vows to God I made another vow

and this one to myself.

I vowed to exterminate every single member

of the Falsto crime family

for what they did to my family.

- Oh, my god that was you.

- Yeah, that was me.

So why'd you become a nun?

- Well, my story's not as colorful as yours.

My parents sent me to a convent.

- Why?

- Well, I was different.

- Different?

Different like how?

- (laughs) I like girls.

- Well, who doesn't?

- I like girls a lot.

- Oh. (laughs)

There's room for two.

(sultry music)

What?

- Do you really wanna have sex this way?

- I thought that's how you were suppose to do it.

- Let me show you how we have sex in the convent.

Eat me!

Lick me up like a dog!

(Sister Pride moaning)

- Dear Lord, it's your humble servant Sister Lust.

Now I don't ask for much from you Lord,

but can you please send me some cock pronto.

White cock, brown cock, yellow cock, it doesn't matter.

Five inches, six inches,

I don't need some John Holmes motherfucker to be happy.

Now every day I risk my ass for you Lord,

at least you could so is give me something to put in it.

(wood creaking)

(body thuds) (Momma groans)

(Momma sighs)

- It's not easy being the boss.

(ominous funky music)

- Tell me about it.

Hey there, Momma.

Sounding a little tense.

- Oh, it's you.

You had me worried.

- Oh, there's nothing to be worried about darling.

Listen, why don't you let me rub

some of that tension out of you, huh?

(thunder crashing)

- Oh, that's good.

It's those fucking nuns again.

(sighs) You know the story.

But I got someone to help out.

You're gonna like him, nice Jewish boy.

- Oh, that'd be Viper Goldstein, yeah.

He's good in a pinch.

His organization hasn't changed with the times.

Nuns nowadays use automatic weapons.

They'd grind him up into Hebrew National Sausage tout suite,

unless you catch 'em when they least expect it.

Send him to Barnun tonight,

you'll get the results you're looking for.

- But how will we know they'll be there,

Lord of the Flies, my Prince of Darkness?

- (laughs) No need for formals, baby,

we go way back you and I.

Call me Samael or Sammy, it's easier on the tongue.

- Okay, Sammy, but how will we make this happen?

- (chuckles) Don't worry your pretty little head about that.

I've got a contact on the inside,

everything's gonna be perfect, just perfect.

- Someone on the inside.

What is it you're not telling me?

- Don't you worry about that.

Have I ever led you astray?

(fire roaring)

(thunder rumbling)

- What a man, what a man. (exhales)

- Mother Superior is on retreat for a couple days,

(brooding music)

so she has asked me to do the briefing

for your next mission.

- Father O'Bannon, no disrespect,

but we only take our orders from Mother Superior.

This is totally against protocol.

- These orders come down directly

from the Vatican, Sister Gluttony,

so if you don't mind we'll continue.

It's come to church's attention

that a group of rogue nuns

has established a terrorist stronghold at this night club.

It's the Vatican's belief that they're looking

to overthrow Holy Mother Church,

and begin a new order based on pre-Vatican II doctrine.

We cannot allow this to happen.

You're to go there tonight,

gather as much information as you can,

return for a debriefing,

so the intelligence can be relayed to Rome

as soon as possible.

- Well, do we have a contact at the club?

Are we looking for any one specific?

I mean if they're actually terrorist-

- No questions, Sister Wrath.

Much like the Bible itself

some things must be taken on faith.

(gun clicks)

- Taking orders from a man I feel so dirty.

- Well, whatever's going on

let's keep an eye out for each other tonight.

(funky suspenseful music) (gun banging)

(group yelling)

- Password, bitches.

♪ What a friend we have in Jesus ♪

Ah, that's enough of that shit, welcome to Barnun.

(glass shattering) (country music)

- Give me back my rosary beads you whore.

- Come and get 'em, Sister.

It's not my first time at the rodeo.

(Nun retching)

♪ Country singing from their souls ♪

(door clicks) (Nun groans)

♪ They wrote songs about drinking ♪

♪ Fornicating, fighting, and sin ♪

- Whoo hoo, slug her.

Hit that bitch.

♪ Now that sounds legit to me ♪

♪ Oh ♪

(ominous music)

(woman vocalizing)

- You weren't expected back until late.

- What is the meaning of this?

- Oh, it's a mystery.

(gun bangs) (phone ringing)

- Homicide, Vargas.

Hey, how are you? (chuckles)

I told you not to call me here.

Yeah, it's okay.

How are ya?

Yeah, yeah, I'd like to get together,

do that, that thing on top of the washer machine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wear that outfit I got ya, okay?

Yeah, all right.

Yeah, yeah, hold on a minute.

Larry. - Yeah.

- Your wife on three.

- (groans) Sweet mother of pearl,

this coffee taste like it was brewed

in my grandmother's enema bag.

- I've had your grandmother's enema bag blend,

it's smoother.

What do you got for me?

- We got a positive fingerprint ID

on the Saint Christopher medal, Detective Vargas.

Her name is Sister Kelly Johnson,

22-years-old, clean record.

- What are the chances that she's the killer?

- None.

♪ Take a little time against a complicated mind ♪

- Damn, you have a problem.

- The only problem I have is that I'm out of lime wedges.

(fist thudding) (Nun groaning)

- All right, girls, let's get down to business.

Sister Gluttony, Sister Lust, you two sweep the bar,

see if you find any suspicious.

Sister Pride and I will work the staff.

- Speaking of working the staff,

did you see how cute Father Thomas's ass

looked in those tight pants of his?

One of these days I'm gonna throw him down

and ride him like Black Beauty.

- (laughs) Okay, okay, let's get to work.

(traffic humming)

- Hey, uh, Viper.

- What?

- Isn't it uh, that time of year for you guys now?

- What do you mean?

- You know uh, Jewish Christmas, happy harmonica

and all that shit, huh? (laughing)

- It's Hanukkah you fucking greaseball.

- Hey, hey, hey, Viper, relax, relax, calm down.

You gotta excuse Paulie over here,

speech is his second language.

- Hey, Viper.

- What now?

- Is it true what they say that uh,

you got your pinky ring cut off on your family jewels?

(Richie speaking in foreign language)

(Paulie speaking in foreign language)

(Richie speaking in foreign language)

(Paulie speaking in foreign language)

- [Richie] Uh-huh.

(Paulie speaking in foreign language)

(Richie speaking in foreign language)

- Oy.

(Richie laughing)

(Paulie and Richie laughing)

(lollipop crunches)

(group chattering)

- Hold it.

Gotta hand over your weapons if you wanna come in here.

(rock music)

(audience cheering)

♪ I'm pistol draggin' ♪

♪ Where the dirt roads don't go ♪

- So what's that one called?

- Uh, Crucifix Nail, it's tequila and holy water.

♪ Treating me cruel, I'm gone ♪

♪ Lay your hands on me, I'll cut you to the bone ♪

You know what I feel like doing?

- What?

♪ Where the dirt roads don't ♪

- That's what.

- You taste like a salt lake.

♪ I'm pistol draggin' ♪

♪ Not your ragdoll no more ♪

♪ Choppin' knives, you're bound to see ♪

♪ It's time I even the score ♪

♪ The devil has to whisper from down below ♪

♪ Just one shot he'll be pigeons for the crows ♪

- Hey, pillow lips, you wanna dance?

- Beat it, Sasquatch, she's my date.

- What's the matter your little bitch

do all the talking for ya?

(elbow thuds) (Nun gasping)

♪ Look what you got ♪

- From now on I think I'll let my friend Mr. Bar Stool

do all the talking.

- Mr. Bar Stool?

(Sister Pride grunts) (bar stool thuds)

- Now you've done it.

(ominous music) (water dripping)

(chips crunching)

(bomb ticking)

- What is it?

- It's a bomb.

- Okay, the way I see it we have two options.

Option one, we go upstairs, we tell the girls,

we go back to St. Vrains and let Mother Superior know.

- That's not violent enough.

What's option two?

- Option two, we go in there,

we splatter their brains all over the walls,

and gain sainthood in the afterlife.

- Saint Lust, has a nice ring to it don't ya think?

(suspenseful music)

- Okay, Sisters, put your hands up,

and step away from the bomb.

(guns clicking)

Corbucci, you're supposed to be dead.

- I'm the Resurrection, bitch.

(guns banging) (Corbucci yelling)

(Paulie laughing)

- Sisters, Sisters, this is very un-nun like behavior.

- Shut up, pris.

(body thuds)

(star whooshing)

(star thuds)

- Jesus Christ.

(star whooshes) (Nun gasps)

(flesh tearing)

- Jews.

(water dripping)

(Paulie laughing)

- Hey, let's go upstairs and see how Viper's doing.

- All right, boss.

(ominous music) (both gasping)

Holy fuck, it's a miracle!

- It's not a miracle, ass clown, it's bulletproof.

(suspenseful music) (gun banging)

(body thuds)

- You miserable slut!

I eat nuns for fucking breakfast!

(guns banging) (Richie yelling)

(bullet thuds) (gun clicking)

- You're gonna fucking pay for that peckerwood.

(gun thuds) (Richie groans)

(ominous music) (group whimpering)

(Viper laughing)

- Tonight we find out who the real chosen ones are,

(screen whooshes)

sluts.

(body whooshes)

- You think you can scare us?

We're nuns, we don't know the meaning of the word fear.

We are strong, dedicated woman

who laugh in the face of danger. (laughs)

So if you think that you can just waltz in here

and kill my fellow women of the cloth,

you've got another thing coming.

- Come on, girls, let's get 'em!

(Viper laughing)

- Yipes.

- Open the door, he's gonna kill us all.

- We'll pray for you.

(star whooshes) (star clangs)

(stars whooshing)

- All out?

Let's finish this shit old school.

(Viper whooshes)

- My people invented old school, bitch.

(hands whoosh) (smoke hissing)

Let me introduce to the Bronowitz brothers, Levi and Eli.

They're CPAs.

- CPAs?

- Certified Penguin Assassins,

practitioners of the ancient art of Jew Jitsu.

- Oy. - Vey.

(suspenseful music)

(foot whooshes)

(Viper grunting) (foot thudding)

(Levi grunting)

(Eli grunts)

(Viper grunts) (fist thuds)

(fist thudding)

(foot thuds) (Viper groans)

(head thuds) (Eli groans)

(bones cracking)

- [Levi] Mazel tov.

(fists thudding)

(knee thuds)

(Viper grunts) (body thuds)

(Levi groaning)

(neck cracking)

(body thuds)

(Kelly groans)

- God, now would be a really good time for a miracle.

- (gasping) Behind the bar.

- What?

- Behind the bar, your miracle.

Good luck, sister. (gasps)

(Viper laughing)

(Sister Pride yelling)

- Uh, he fucking broke my nose.

(woman vocalizing)

(Sister Pride crying)

(Viper laughing)

- Decide that you'd had enough old school?

- Let her go, I'll let you walk out of here alive.

- How about instead you let me go

and I let her live?

- Shoot him, Kelly, I'm not afraid.

- (laughs) Looks like what they say about nuns

going all lesbo when they're locked up together

without any dick isn't that far from the truth. (laughs)

Mazel tov, bitch.

- Tell me who set us up.

- I can't okay.

I can't, okay, okay, okay, I'll tell you, okay.

It was that Priest O'Bannon okay.

He's the one you wanna kill, you don't wanna kill me.

I think I'm gonna throw up.

- O'Bannon, huh.

That crucifix you're wearing.

- Yeah.

- Do you believe in Jesus?

- Oh, yeah, I believe in Jesus with all my heart and soul,

I do, I do.

- You wanna meet him?

- Of course, yeah, bring 'em.

(gun clicks)

No, no, no, I don't wanna meet him, I don't wanna meet him.

(gun bangs)

(body thuds)

- Father, I think it's time we heard your confession.

(ominous music)

(arm whooshes) (fist thuds)

(funky brooding music)

- Hey, what's with the frickin' water works?

You can't have another yeast infection already.

Fluci's Bakery down the street

doesn't pump out as much sourdough as you.

- That's not it, Momma, bitch don't wanna work.

- What do you mean don't wanna work?

Listen, sweetie, what's wrong?

Tell Momma everything.

- It's, it's just this client I have a date with.

- Mario Drip Dick Carcheri.

- He wants me to do some really sick stuff.

- Honey, he's a man, all man wanna do sick stuff with women,

otherwise we'd all be out of a job.

- (chuckles) Listen, pumpkin,

why don't you whisper in Momma's ear

what he wants you to do.

(chuckles) Fuck me sideways that is pretty sick.

- So you're not gonna make me do it right, Momma?

- Oh, the fuck I'm not.

Set up a camera in there and take some photos.

There's a big market for that in Germany.

- No.

(Madam speaks in foreign language)

- [Lucky] Ow!

- Those are for company.

- Ma.

- Douche.

Well, well, well, who do we have here?

- She's a nun in The Order of the Black Habit.

(body thuds)

- Great, great.

Did you get the others?

- We got one, the other two got away.

But I'm sure this little bitch will serve

as the perfect nun bait for the rest of them.

- And Richie and Paulie?

- Both dead.

- Ah, pity, I'll miss them sort of.

(groans) Well, never send a goy

to do a man's work right, Viper? (chuckles)

While we're waiting for your little friends to show up

I think I'll put you to work.

Make Momma back some of the money you cost us.

You have an opening for this one?

- I think I can find something appropriately hideous.

- Keep an eye on her.

- I want first crack at her.

- Her?

(Sister Pride snarling)

Why her?

- I like fucking nuns.

- Oh, you are downright evil, Viper.

I like that in a man.

You know maybe if you play your cards right

you could take Corbucci's place and Lucky's place too.

(Lucky spits)

I know, I know he's my son,

but now he couldn't win the bronze medal

in the Special Olympics.

(Viper and Momma laughing)

I gotta go take a dump.

- What the fuck are you looking at Jerry's kid?

(brooding music)

(water dripping)

- Where am I?

- From the looks of things I'd say you're in hell.

- Sisters, what's, what's gotten into you?

- Shut up.

Now before I blew that scumbag Corbucci away

he told me, "You were the rat behind this."

You fuckin' set us up.

- Now Sister Gluttony is dead,

and they've kidnapped Sister Pride.

So Father, unless you tell me where their hideout is,

(drill whirring)

I'm gonna turn you into the holiest priest in town.

- Is that so?

You unholy whores always resorting to violence

to solve your problems.

There was a time when this church

truly believed in non-violence,

when the whole damn thing was overseen

by wise, benevolent old men.

And now it's come to this,

a nun threatening to torture a man anointed by the church.

- You're the one that sold us out to the mob.

You think they're better?

- They're good Catholics, they're men.

They go to confession

and repent when they've had somebody killed,

rather than just rely on their promised place in heaven.

- That's what it all comes down to for you, isn't it?

That they're men.

- No, I'm just tired of you nuns

running the show around here.

Before you, we priests actually meant something.

We were men with influence.

Mob bosses, politicians, business men,

everybody listened when we talked.

We were the ultimate gatekeepers of the Kingdom of Heaven.

(laughs) Now all we do is wash the blood stains

out of your filthy habits.

- Now you know what women were doing for years

before you came along.

- And that's as it should be.

- You'd send us to our deaths

just to keep what you see as your rightful place in line?

(scoffs) You're one sick fuck, Father.

But I don't have time for your bullshit theology.

You're going to tell me where the mob took Sister Pride

or you'll be getting your final judgment

sooner rather than later.

(drill whirring)

(brooding music)

- Uh, I feel so guilty.

If I had just been here,

I might of been able to prevent this.

- Thomas, you probably would of gotten killed

right along with Mother Superior.

Consider yourself blessed.

- Dear Lord, bless these servants who fight in your name.

May their limbs be swift, may their minds be nimble,

and may their bullets always find their mark.

Amen.

- Thank you, Father Thomas.

Now you have to leave here soon as possible,

we might of been followed, promise?

- I promise, Sister.

- (sighs) He's a priest,

I could go straight to hell for that, but I could die.

(funky sultry music)

If I make it out of this alive, Father Thomas,

I swear I'm gonna give you something real juicy

to mention at confession.

(moans) Priest.

(body thuds) (tires screeching)

(brooding music)

So do you have a plan?

- I do, but you're not gonna like it.

- Does it involve me killing bad guys?

- Sure does.

- Then I'm behind you a 100%.

- Okey-dokey. (chuckles)

(knuckles tapping)

- Must be all playing frickin' bingo.

(man screaming)

- That must be the winner.

(water dripping)

- Yeah, down here fellas, yeah, this way.

Yeah, closer, closer.

What the fuck took you assholes so long?

- Holy stigmata.

(funky klezmer music) (Sister Pride whimpering)

- Ah, oy vey, I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Don't worry, baby, I'll be gentle at first.

(doorbell ringing)

(door clicks)

- Welcome to Momma Rizzo's Hooker Heaven.

How can we help you?

- I heard you were in the market

for some tender young chicken.

- We're always in the market for some chicken

if it's fresh enough.

- Is 14 too old?

- No, it's perfect.

14 you say?

- Yeah, her mother's a dirty smack whore,

she owes me some money,

so she lets me babysit little brown sugar here.

- Nice.

Firm.

I'll give you $500 for her.

(knee thuds) (Madam groans)

(head thuds)

- Did you just call my mother a dirty smack whore?

- I was acting.

Come on, let's go find Sister Pride.

- I'm worth a lot more than 500 bucks sansnatch.

(funky klezmer music)

(Sister Pride yelling)

(underwear snaps)

- Don't worry, baby, it's kosher.

(Sister Pride yelling)

- All right, you go find Momma Rizzo,

and I'll find Sister Pride.

- All right.

Watch your ass in this place, and your vag.

(Sister Pride whimpering) (ominous music)

- Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, it's okay,

I'm not gonna rush anything.

(Sister Pride whimpers)

I know the importance of foreplay for you women.

(Sister Pride whimpering)

(suspenseful music)

- [Mario] Oh, yeah, yeah, you wanna find some eggs, huh?

Honey, you wanna find some eggs?

- You're one sick fucking bunny.

(gun banging) (Mario groaning)

(body thuds)

(suspenseful music)

- Got you now, bitch.

(Viper slurping)

(Sister Pride yelling)

- Get off her or I'll blow your fucking brains out.

- It's okay, baby.

(Sister Pride yelling)

(hat whooshing)

(screen whooshes) (Viper yelling)

- Put me you down you jive ass motherfucker.

- Gladly. (body thuds)

- Oh, my lucky fucking day,

they're falling like manna from heaven. (chuckles)

- Caught this one sneaking around.

I bet there's more around here somewhere.

- Well, then let's go greet our new visitors shall we?.

(Viper grunting) (fist thudding)

- I love beating nuns.

(Kelly coughing)

- Well, what do we have here?

(hand whooshes) (screen whooshes)

(blood splattering) (Viper screaming)

(Sister Pride laughing)

(door clicks)

- Oh, very cute, you think you can get the drop on me,

you got another thing coming.

Now we can both die here

or we can both walk out of here,

and hunt each other down later like the dogs that we are.

- Only problem for you is.

- We work in pairs.

(hands whooshing) (Sister Pride grunting)

(Momma groaning)

- I've hunted down every last member

of the Falsto crime family

for what they did to my parents.

And before they died every single one of them

told me the same thing,

"That they'd been hired to do the job

by someone who called herself Big Momma."

I don't suppose you know who that could of been do you?

- Oh, fuck you, Sister.

Look I know you're gonna kill me

just do me the favor of not boring me to death.

Oh, my daddy got killed over business boohoo.

Wah, wah, wah, Mommy and Daddy got gunned down.

Save it for the confessional.

(Momma grunting)

(Kelly yells)

I'm gonna make this hurt so bad,

you're gonna remember me when you're dead.

(elbow thuds) (Sister Pride groans)

(head thuds)

Goodnight my sweet little penguin.

(Sister Pride yells) (Momma groaning)

(Kelly coughing)

(Momma groaning)

- Momma.

- Lucky.

(Kelly coughing)

(gun banging)

Fuck me. (body thuds)

- I guess I am lucky after all, Momma.

- I think we'll be okay now.

(suspenseful music)

- Freeze.

- It's not what it looks like.

- Sister Kelly Johnson, I'm placing you under arrest

for murder, kidnapping, and conspiracy to commit murder.

And you missy, are an accomplice.

(brooding music) (woman vocalizing)

- [Detective] Let me at 'em, let me at 'em!

All I need is five minutes alone with 'em!

- Take it easy, they're nuns for Christ's sake.

- 12 years of Catholic school, I want my revenge!

- Get out of here!

Look Sisters, I just want you to know before we book you

that if I had my way I would just let you off

with some strong warning or community service or something.

- Yeah, you nuns did this city a pretty big favor.

Problem is they're gonna wanna repay you

with a one way ticket to the electric chair.

(door clicks) (suspenseful ethereal music)

- Who the hell is that?

(woman vocalizing)

- Hey, uh, what are ya doin'?

These ladies, they no go to jail, officers.

- Your Holiness.

- They is protected under the canon law.

I granted them a divine pardon.

- Dude, it's the fucking pope.

Can you believe that shit?

- Kiss, kiss.

Oh, yeah, oh yeah, more, more, more.

(staff whooshing)

(group vocalizing)

(cuffs chiming)

(cuffs chiming)

Ah, yes, my precious pious pussies

with the razor claws, and the throbbing thoroughfares.

You make uh, Pope Corky IV uh, very, very proud.

- And we can make you a very, very happy man.

- Isn't this amazing?

- Yeah, I thought they only liked boys.

(gentle music)

(Sister Pride sighs)

- Well, I guess it's like they say,

all's well that ends well.

- I'm gonna go take a shower, you wanna come?

- Nah, I think I'm gonna sleep for about a week after this.

- Suit yourself.

I'll be back in a minute to keep you company.

(Sister Pride sighs)

- Cozy in here, isn't it?

- Aren't you supposed to watching over Sister Wrath?

- Oh, she'll be fine, that girl is a rock.

(suspenseful music)

(Kelly gasps)

Angels like to cuddle.

- Get off of me.

- Hold me!

Why won't you hold me?

- Thought you were through with me, demon bitch?

- Let me guess, you're gonna rape me and then kill me,

probably in some sort of demonic sacrifice.

- That would be my choice if I had one.

- Oh, spare me.

You know what the difference between you and me is?

- Hmm, that I have the gun

and you're the one who has to shut up

or I'm going to kill you slowly and painfully.

- Nope.

The difference is one of us isn't scared to die.

(suspenseful music)

(grenade clicks)

(explosion booming)

- Oh, the boss is gonna be sore over this one.

(ethereal music) (body thuds)

(Father O'Bannon groans)

(funky music)

- Is this hell?

- Hell?

Why you little communion wafer pusher.

(group yelling) (Father O'Bannon groaning)

- Help, no!

Oh, Father, I, I need hail Mary full of grace.

Momma! (fists thudding)

- I think there's been a mix up.

- [God] Jesus.

(ominous music)

(fire roaring)

- You've got to be kidding me.

- (chuckles) Oh, it's no joke, Sister.

You committed the gravest sin imaginable,

and for that you get to spend eternity here with me

where your flesh will be ripped from its bones,

your eyes gouged from their sockets,

and your limbs torn apart,

only so you can be put back together,

and have it done all over again,

and there's not a damn thing that you can do about. (laughs)

- Oh, there's something I can do about it.

- Oh, and what's that, child?

- I'm gonna kick your fucking ass.

(gun clicks)

(funky music)

- So you're not gonna talk, huh?

- Listen, how many times do I gotta tell ya,

I'm not saying anything to you pigs

until after I talk to my lawyer.

(door clicks) (suspenseful music)

(screen whooshes)

(funky music)

Oh, no.

(fist thuds) (brooding organ music)

What the hell was that?

- I ain't having none of that.

(rock music)

♪ Out of convent ♪

♪ And into the dark ♪

♪ She's striking fear into people's dark hearts ♪

♪ More than rapping the knuckles ♪

♪ Of the underworld at large ♪

♪ She's kicking ass for the Lord, man ♪

♪ She's taking charge ♪

♪ She's breaking the habit ♪

♪ She's out on the street ♪

♪ She's taking down names and she's packing God's heat ♪

♪ She's smacking the ruler ♪

♪ She's cutting the path ♪

♪ And if you think you'll make trouble, man ♪

♪ She's breaking the habit ♪

♪ She's out out on the street ♪

♪ She's taking down names ♪

♪ And she's packing God's heat ♪

♪ She's smacking the ruler ♪

♪ She's cutting the path ♪

♪ And if you think you'll make trouble, man ♪

♪ She'll have none of that ♪

♪ She's not afraid to follow the lion back to his den ♪

♪ She'll kick down the door with her nun boots ♪

♪ And then she'll crack some heads with her nunchucks ♪

♪ And you better pray ♪

♪ 'Cause when she blesses herself ♪

♪ And she pulls our her magnum ♪

♪ She'll blow you away ♪

♪ She's breaking the habit ♪

♪ She's out the street ♪

♪ She's taking down names ♪

♪ And she's packing God's heat ♪

♪ She's smacking the ruler ♪

♪ She's cutting the path ♪

♪ And if you think you'll make trouble, man ♪

♪ She's breaking the habit ♪

♪ She's out on the street ♪

♪ She's taking down names ♪

♪ And she's packing God's heat ♪

♪ She's smacking the ruler ♪

♪ She's cutting the path ♪

♪ And if you think you'll make trouble, man ♪

♪ She'll have none of that ♪