Original subtitles

-Hyacinth: Charge! -Uh?

Charge, Richard. Charge.

What is it?

-Has it been charged? -Oh, what has Sheridan been up to now?

No, no, no, dear. My new mobile phone.

-Is it on charge? -Oh.

Yes, I put it on charge last night.

Well, please go and check, dear.

I shall need it with me all day while I'm directing the rehearsal.

-I hate historical pageants. -Mm?

Why do I have to be king Charles?

Because you're married to me and I shall be queen.

Now, why doesn't that surprise me?

Do make sure it's fully charged, Richard.

The only batteries running down round here are mine.

Ye gods, that must be urgent.

Probably some poor devil desperately in need of assistance.

Vicarage.

Correction. It's not urgent. It's just irritating.

It's the bucket woman.

What does she want at this hour?

Find out.

Hello, Mrs. Bucket… bouquet.

I'm sorry. My husband's just been called away.

You'll be at the church hall all day?

Directing the rehearsals for the pageant.

-The pageant. -Oh.

Oh, yes, I remember.

I don't know how we'd ever have got this pageant off the ground without you.

In fact, I don't think we'd even have thought about a pageant without you.

Yes, of course we'll pop in later to see how the rehearsal's going.

You'll have to go, show some interest.

Oh, that's nice. Yes, I'll write that down.

Pencil.

Yes, I've got that, thank you, Mrs. Bouquet.

Yes, we'll see you later.

-Thank you for calling. -What did she want?

To let us know we can get in touch with her any time of day.

That's a relief. To think we can get in touch with her any time of the day.

The trick is not to get in touch with her any time of the day.

-What were you writing down? -The number of her new mobile phone.

Oh, good heavens. She's mobile now.

The bucket woman fully mobile.

She's gonna be an epidemic, and there's no cure.

Why did you let her take charge of the pageant?

I thought Emmet was doing it.

Until she came along, I think Emmet thought Emmet was doing it.

Take it through to the changing rooms, dear.

And do be careful with my crown.

In the middle of a civil war, would the queen be wearing her crown?

It's a question of morale, Richard. Keeping up the people's spirits.

I expect the peasants love to see me wearing my crown.

Oh!

You follow Richard through, dear.

And tell all our volunteers I'll be with them in a minute.

-Thank you. -Ooh!

As soon as I've made a call on my mobile phone.

I did tell you I'm now on a mobile phone, did I, Elizabeth?

Yes, hyacinth, several times.

I like my friends to have my number.

Oh, I think we've all got your number, hyacinth.

Oh, dear Emmet. What a tower of strength you are.

I shall be surprised if you don't end up as one of the queen's favorites.

Perhaps you'd begin by getting our volunteers into some kind of order.

Alphabetical or monastic?

How droll you are, Emmet.

No, begin sorting out the roundheads from the cavaliers.

They can practice their curtsies for when I enter.

Though I shan't be wearing my crown just yet.

I don't want to blind them with royalty too soon.

Hello.

Hello. Is that the local paper?

Mm. Well, I wish to speak with your editor, please.

Hmm? Tell him this is Mrs. hyacinth bouquet, b-u-c-k-e-t,

calling on her mobile phone.

Oh.

From the church hall where she is directing a rehearsal of the pageant

and will be available for photographs if he cares to send someone round.

Oh. Well, I'm sure he'll wish to send someone round.

We are, after all, reconstructing one of the area's

most important historical events. Hmm?

I think your editor would agree with me that it is of Paramount importance

for people to be made aware of their local history.

Especially with the council tax due to go up again.

However, would you please tell him if he wishes to speak to me,

he may do so on the number I shall now give you,

which is my personal mobile phone

with last-number redial and one-touch facility.

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Oh, that's funny. Must have clashed with a banner headline.

If your Rose is in love with a spaniard…

she's done Spain. She's on central Europe now.

What's she getting romantic for at this time of the morning?

It's not like our Rose. She's not usually up this early.

Maybe she's just come in.

Maybe she thinks it's still last night music.

Rose, will you turn that music down?

It's not me. It's father.

He's taking dancing lessons from a Mr. Crabtree.

Your father's dancing with a Mr. Crabtree?

Well, they were dancing to "no other love have I."

I'm gonna have to change his pills.

I should do it fairly quickly.

That's better. People'll see it there.

-Up a bit with that, dear. -Well, how far?

-No, that's too far. -I knew it'd be too far.

I would've bet my headless hat on it.

You'd better put these church notices back, dear.

-Right. -Hyacinth, about those volunteers.

Oh, sort them into two groups.

Graceful ones for cavaliers, clumsy ones for roundheads.

Well, I'm afraid there's a bit of a problem.

There always is, dear. It's probably those clumsy roundheads.

I shall be in in a moment to organize them personally.

In the meantime, try to keep them quiet.

Oh, they're quiet. They're very quiet.

Was that my mobile phone?

Richard, did you hear my mobile phone?

You keep asking me that and I keep saying, "no, I can't say I did hear it."

I'm sure I heard my mobile phone.

No. No, perhaps not.

I do hope you made sure it was fully charged, dear.

Oh, come along, Richard. Leave those church notices.

We have to go and organize our volunteers.

Come on, dear. Come on.

Door, dear.

Now, then, all you volunteers, graceful ones on the left,

podgy people on the right.

Where have they gone? Where have my volunteers gone?

Don't ask me. I'm not guilty.

Where has Elizabeth taken my volunteers?

Um, hyacinth, that's the problem.

I haven't taken them anywhere. There's no one to take.

-But where have they gone? -Well, I don't think they've gone.

I think they never came.

That's very peculiar. Didn't they know I'd be here?

Yes, I think they knew you'd be here.

Emmet!

-Any more breakfast?! -Have we any more?!

There's another can in the fridge!

Oh!

Do you think your father ought to be dancing with a Mr. Crabtree?

He fought for freedom, didn't he?

I can't understand why they're not here.

I made a point of asking them personally to volunteer.

How very sporting of you to give them advanced warning like that.

Hello, Mrs. Davie? Yes, I'm calling you on my mobile phone.

It's hyacinth bouquet here. Hello? Hello?

It must be a bad connection.

I'll try another number.

I cannot understand why they're all not here.

They can't have confused the date. I made it very clear.

Mrs. Gilby? I'm calling you on my mobile phone.

It's hyacinth bouquet here. Hello? Hello?

Hello? That's strange.

I'm sorry. No luck. None of them can come.

-Why ever not, dear? -They all have reasons.

Very inventive reasons.

Did you see Mrs. Drummond? Why can't she come?

Her mother is ill. Mrs. Lomax's grandmother is ill.

And Mrs. Duffield's great-grandmother is ill.

Oh!

Ow!

I'm sorry, hyacinth.

It's father's dancing lesson.

He wants to be ready for his holiday in Spain.

You want what?

You want onslow to be a roundhead?

In the civil war? Well, will there be any danger?

I don't want him in the thick of any fighting.

No, I don't just want onslow. I want all of you, everybody.

Mm. I need volunteers. My other people didn't turn up.

Everybody seems to be ill.

There's an epidemic doing things to grandmothers you just wouldn't believe.

So see how many you can bring, will you, Daisy?

My roundhead and cavalier war's in jeopardy. I'm going to phone Violet.

-Are you sure that's a good idea? -How do you mean, dear?

Well, when I spoke to Violet yesterday,

she and Bruce were having a war of their own.

Oh, I expect they've patched that up now.

One of them will have surrendered.

Now, hurry up, will you, Daisy?

I need to have everything shipshape before the vicar arrives. Goodbye.

These creases aren't coming out.

Well, is your iron hot enough?

Yes.

Is it the right temperature for the fabric?

Have you got it on the right setting?

Oh, you're on man-made fibers.

It doesn't say roundheads or cavaliers.

Sometimes I think Robinson crusoe must have been a woman.

Come on, get on with it. Richard's doing it.

Richard's doing it.

-Richard can manage anything. -I wouldn't say that.

Sometimes when I watch you and hyacinth,

I think to myself, "Richard could manage anything."

Well, I suppose I am fairly adaptable, but I've always had a good incentive.

-Hyacinth: Richard! -That's it.

You know, when I got divorced, I thought it was the worst thing in the world.

But since then I've learned that there's something worse than being divorced.

-What's that? -Not being divorced.

Now, Richard, I may not have had much luck with my volunteers,

but fortunately the family are rallying round.

Violet and Bruce are on their way and I've called Daisy,

so it's all hands on deck.

Which means, Richard, that onslow's coming.

-You've invited onslow? -It is an emergency.

It must be.

I want you to wait inside the entrance and grab him as soon as he arrives.

I want onslow in costume as soon as he walks through that door.

Onslow as a roundhead I can cope with.

Onslow as onslow I don't care to think about.

You'll make a great roundhead.

Only promise to be careful.

I would have liked a choice. I would have liked somebody to say,

"onslow, do you fancy roundhead or do you fancy cavalier?"

Cavalier. You'd make a great cavalier.

-You just think I'm great. -I do, I do!

I take your point.

How do I look?

I don't think they'll have any suitable parts for a dress like that.

Oh. I'll change, I'll change. Are we taking father?

-She said bring everybody. -What about Mr. Crabtree?

-She said bring everybody. -Ooh!

Father! You are going! And bring Mr. Crabtree!

You will be careful being a roundhead and everything?

Daise, we're only acting civil war. We're not actually doing civil war.

I hate you going to war! Just come back to me, onslow.

Oh, daise! Daise, knock it off!

Oh, there isn't time for that now.

Who's that? I don't know.

I thought I heard a car.

If it's onslow, grab him straightaway and put him into costume.

Oh, it's a Mercedes. A Mercedes?

It's Violet and Bruce. Go and fetch Elizabeth and Emmet, will you, dear?

Have they met my sister with the Mercedes, sauna and room for a pony?

-Several times. -Well, fetch them anyway.

It's time they renewed the acquaintance.

Mrs. Partridge?

This is hyacinth bouquet speaking. Yes. Have you forgotten the pageant?

Really? Oh.

Oh, I am sorry your grandmother's ill.

Oh. Hello? Hello?

Oh, there you are. Just in time to say hello to Violet and Bruce.

-Ooh! -You can't leave me!

Come back to me, Violet! Think about the scandal, the children, the alimony.

We can catch them later. Off you go, back to your ironing.

You know I love you. Deep down you know I love you.

I can't afford not to love you.

Such a devoted couple.

-I didn't know he was married. -Well, you know now.

-The swine told me he was divorced. -He was divorced! Then he married me.

-Slow learner. -The swine.

I know he's a swine, but he's my swine.

-You can keep him. -Not good enough for you now, is he?

Sounds like a pillock to me.

-If I catch you anywhere near… -excuse me! We've got to go.

-Could you postpone this fight? -I haven't finished with her yet.

Come with us. You can finish it on the way. We've got to go to a pageant.

I'm not dressed for going anywhere special.

-You can say that again. -You'll be all right!

It's only a civil war.

How tidy do you have to be for a civil war?

If I need you, where will you be?

Beyond human recall, visiting the far corners of my parish.

-Where exactly? -Zimbabwe if I can manage it.

It's no good. You can't avoid it.

You have to call in and cast your eye over the rehearsals for the pageant.

Can't you go? You could go. It'd be a change for you.

I'll come with you, and that's bravery beyond the call of duty.

But it's your responsibility. You'll have to be there.

The woman's impossible as a bucket.

Imagine what she's gonna be like as a queen.

It seems such a shame it was the poor old king that lost his head.

"And what did you do in the great civil war, daddy?"

"I ironed, son. I ironed for hyacinth."

And remarkably well, too.

I can make use of those pianist's fingers of yours in the future.

I'm strengthening these fingers for a noble purpose.

One day they're gonna be wrapped round the throat of a certain party.

You know she's a great fan of yours.

-You know I love you, Violet. -Get lost!

I'd do anything to stop you divorcing me and going off with half our property.

-Have you seen my sister Violet? -They've just gone through.

-Rapidly. -Oh, poor Bruce.

With all his business interests, he never has a moment.

He's always on the move.

He was certainly on the move when they passed through here.

I think he must have heard you coming, hyacinth.

-Doesn't Emmet iron beautifully? -Oh, of course he does.

He has such musical fingers.

Ah, ah, ah! Emmet.

I'm sure I heard a car.

I did. I heard a car.

Now, don't forget, Richard. Grab onslow as soon as he walks through that door.

He's not usually wearing much you can grab.

Exactly. So whisk him away and get him into costume.

And he's not exactly built for whisking.

Oh, be firm, Richard. Remember, you're the king.

Daddy?

He's always had a weakness for brassy tarts.

Slipped up with you, then, didn't he?

How long has it been going on for, I'd like to know?

Mr. Moody and I are barely acquainted.

I've seen him coming in at two in the morning from that "barely acquainted."

-Rose? -Needn't have been returning from me.

I'm not the only person that's available at that time in the morning.

Daisy, who is that person you brought with you?

It's just a friend of a friend of Rose. You said bring everybody.

Onslow, you haven't shaved.

You're gonna have to get used to the ravages of war, hyacinth.

Go with Richard. Try your costume.

I don't know why everybody takes it for granted that onslow is a roundhead.

You'll always be a cavalier to me.

I hope we've got a baldric your size.

Yeah. Nothing worse than a skimpy baldric.

Oh!

I do hope daddy doesn't overextend himself in the tango.

-Sir, what can we… -give us a couple of four-packs, love.

-Help me through the trials ahead. -Yes, sir. Certainly.

Right, you've got the hang of the lighting.

I think so.

It's not a question, Liz. It's an order. You've got the hang of the lighting.

-Next thing is the curtain. -No, please. Not the curtain as well.

It's not difficult. All you have to do is pull on the rope, the end one.

As well as the lighting?

In my spare time I shall be out there selling ice creams.

Don't snarl at me, sister, dear.

We're all here at the Beck and call of something that is larger than all of us.

There's a destiny that shapes our end.

And at this moment it's getting dressed as a queen.

Richard, how do I look?

Fine, fine.

Fine?

Shouldn't that be majestic?

Oh, that's what I meant. Majestic.

Mercifully, I've invited a second and more professional opinion.

What is it, hyacinth? I'm trying to get the stage arrangements finished.

Oh, dear Emmet. I want your opinion on my dress as queen.

Is it regal, do you think?

It's suggestive.

-Suggestive? -Exactly.

And that is what's wrong, you see, hyacinth.

-She was French, you know. -The queen of england, French?

Henrietta Maria. She married Charles on 1 may 1625 in Paris by proxy,

and then subsequently at canterbury on 13 June.

Oh, yes, of course. I must have got it mixed up with Charles ii.

Possibly. Oh, it's all very confusing, isn't it?

Because he married another henrietta.

Catherine henrietta of braganza. 21 may 1662.

That's right. And she was the English one.

No, she was the daughter of the king of Portugal.

-They got married in Portsmouth. -3pm on a Wednesday.

And it was raining.

Oh, don't be silly, Richard. Oh, a musician and a historian, Emmet.

I have been doing a bit of research.

I think it's important that these things be accurate.

My feelings precisely. Right, Charles i's queen was French.

I'll bear that in mind.

Most historians generally agree that she was quite a provocative lady.

-Provocative? -Apparently.

So I think your costume ought to be a little more…

French. Vous ne pensez pas, votre majesté?

Oh, cheer up. Just smile nicely and it will soon be over.

I think I'd rather have been in the real civil war.

Doesn't sound like a civil war tune.

Get your body home, woman! Let's have less of this nonsense.

When I do get you home, you're going across my knee, Violet.

You try it and I'll hit you where I hit you last time.

-Harridan! -Loaf!

I think the dialogue's a bit forceful, don't you?

Any time you want him back, just say the word.

I don't need your word to get my husband back.

Keep him at home, then he wouldn't get into any trouble.

He was at home until you came along showing your legs and your accessories.

I'm gonna have to do something about this dialogue.

Hello. On stage.

Um… oh, hello, vicar.

We're just getting ready for the entrance of the queen.

Ready!

Richard, who wrote the dialogue for this piece?

-I think hyacinth did most of it. -It's really quite strong.

Oh, good. Oh, she will be pleased. Why don't you sit down?

Now, can we have the lights up, please,

and the fanfare for the entrance of the queen, please!

Yes, yes, in a minute. Right, now, that one to there.

That one right the way up. Fanfare, fanfare…

fanfare.

Where is my husband, the king?

That's it. I've seen enough. Finished. Quite unsuitable.

-Curtain! Curtain! -Curtain, curtain. Yes.

End one. That's right.

Ooh!

Hyacinth. Hyacinth!

Is she going to be all right?

Oh, Richard. If I'm going to die…

you're not going to die.

Please make sure onslow wears a tie at the funeral.

It was just a bump on the head, Mrs. Bucket.

Tell god it's bouquet!