All language subtitles for Keeping up appearances (BBC) S5EP10 The hostess

Was that the papers?

Are you asleep,
Richard?

I'm surprised
you can sleep.

You know it's an important day for me.

Mmm?

I'll be surprised if you
can sleep much longer.

Did you bolt
the door?

The door?

It's that thing that stops
there being a hole in the wall.

What time is it? It's the
early hours of the morning.

A particularly dangerous
time for intruders.

Why?
What happens to them?

Oh, don't be silly, dear.

I'm only thinking
of our safety.

I don't want you
worrying about intruders.

I wasn't worrying,
I was asleep.

Lucky you.
I might be asleep

if I thought you'd
bolted the door.

Why don't I go
and bolt the door?

Oh, Richard,
would you?

What a kind
thought.

And see if the paper's
come while you're there.

Oh, that's what
this is all about.

I thought
I heard a noise.

It might have been
the paper.

Could've been
an intruder.

And check the back door
while you're there.

There it is.
Have a good look, lad.

That's the house.

The lair of
the dragon lady.

Mrs. Buck-
"bouquet."

She's why we get up
an hour early.

Because it's worth it, just to
be able to walk down that path

and deliver her milk
without getting caught.

Do you want me
to go?

All right...
Better not.

I promised your mother
I'd look after you.

Ben,
you take that side.

I'll go.
I can do it.

Just as long as I know
she's safely in bed.

I can't hear you
checking, Richard.

Answer me. I can't hear you checking.

I'm checking
as I go.

Hyacinth: As quick
as you can, dear.

What happened?
- What are you-

what are you doing up
at this hour?

It's a good question.

Richard?

She's not getting up,
is she?

What kind of a man are you making
your wife get up this early?

She's not getting up.

Can I have that
in writing?

I hope so.
- Right.

I'll clear
this lot up.

Just make quite sure
that she's not getting up.

Who were you talking to?
- The milkman.

Why is he always
so early nowadays?

I miss
our little chats.

Yes, so does he...

At every opportunity.

Richard, you're not
going back to sleep again?

It doesn't look
like it.

Surely you're
a little excited

to think I'm on the verge of a new career.

Yeah, I am
a little excited.

I'm very sleepy
and a little excited.

Please, can we
get back to sleep?

All-ll right.

It's no good.

I must be up
when the paperboy comes.

Suppose when he pushes
it through our letterbox

he tears the very page
displaying my advertisement?

I thought you were going.
- I was going.

But Hyacinth keeps
popping out every 30 seconds...

Like a demented
cuckoo clock.

Oh, I'm never going to make
it without her spotting me.

I thought you wanted to be early today.
- I did want to be early,

but not so badly that I want
to get entangled with Hyacinth.

You can't just stay indoors
because you might meet Hyacinth.

Oh, yes I can.

I know when
I'm well off.

There she goes again.
What on earth is she doing?

Go on,
now's your chance.

I'm never
going to make it.

Well, you won't
if you don't hurry.

I thought
I heard him.

How can you hear a paperboy
half asleep in trainers?

How much noise
could he make?

I do hate it when they're late.
- Is he late?

Perhaps I'd better
make a phone call.

Who would you call
for a lost paperboy?

You can't call anybody.

He won't be lost,
he'll be on his way.

I wonder if he's avoiding me deliberately,

because I made him
wash his ears.

What gave you cause
to do that?

I caught him
poking them.

I will not have
my papers delivered

by someone
who pokes his ears.

You brought the paperboy
in to wash his ears?

Good heavens, no, Richard.
Of course I didn't.

Do I look like
the kind of person

who'd have
a paperboy indoors?

No, I took him out
a wet wipe.

And I stood over him until
he'd done the job properly.

I may not be able
to influence

many of the ways
of this world,

but at least my paperboy has clean ears.

Paperboy.

* oh, what a beautiful- *
coo-ee!

Good morning, Emmet.

Off to work then?
- No, no.

I thought I'd just pop out

and begin strangling
overpowering ladies.

Oh, that's nice.
Have you seen the paperboy?

So that's who
you're waiting for.

I have an advertisement
in the paper this morning.

I want to make sure they've
placed it somewhere suitable.

I know what you mean, Hyacinth.

There are certain things
that we encounter in life

that we'd all love
to place somewhere suitable.

Ah, there he is now.
About time.

I'm sorry, Emmet,
I can't stop to converse.

We must have our chat
some other time. Young man!

Well, what
has happened to you?

Have you ever tried
to catch a paperboy?

Tea. Tea.

Is your advert in?

See if you can find it,
will you, dear?

Oh-i can't focus properly.
The world's dancing about.

Oh.
Mm-mm.

Oh, I'll have
to collect myself

before the phone
begins to ring.

Now that my advertisement's appeared

I shall be inundated
with calls.

You'll have
to help me, Richard.

Are you sure
it's in this week?

Look for somewhere
prestigious.

It's quite small, but
they promised specifically

to put it somewhere prestigious.
- And what does it say?

"Experienced hostess
offers her services

for your special
occasion."

Followed by
my telephone number.

Well, is that all?
No wonder I can't find it.

Short and dignified,
dear.

You know me, I'm never
one to go on at length.

Not a lot of people
know that.

Oh, ah- - don't be silly,
dear. Don't be silly.

Here it is,
here it is.

Short and dignified.

It's a big day
for me, Richard.

This could be the start
of something important.

I could become
the Barbara cartland

of the west Midlands
social circuit scene.

Yes, not to mention
"a paperboy

wet-wiper
of the year."

It's not just
a career, Richard.

It's my duty to share
my impeccable taste

for a well-laid table.

In my own small way,
I shall begin

to advise and educate
the nation in gracious living.

For my advanced classes,
I shall teach people

to sparkle incandescently
at their candlelight suppers.

Oh-hh, I do hope
you'll stop me, Richard,

if I ever decide
to chase another paperboy.

Now, what shall I wear
to answer the telephone?

You used to like me
in that pink dress.

You used to say,
"wow, daise, that pink dress."

What was it you liked
about my pink one?

Your pink what?

My pink dress. You said you
liked me in that pink dress.

Oh, daise. What kind of way
is that to wake a person up?

Other people
get a cup of tea.

You said I looked "really
edible" in that pink dress.

You haven't got
a pink dress.

Not now, you tore it
off me that night.

I tore it off you?
- Yes, you did.

You must have been
on fire.

It was you
that was on fire.

You said
I looked like

"a strawberry ice
with caramel topping."

You had to be prevented
from licking me all over.

How long ago
was this?

It was before
we were married.

I figured
that much.

Will you come here
a moment, dear?

Tell me... does this
look suitable?

For what?

For answering
the telephone.

Does it really matter what you
look like answering the phone?

Well, of course
it matters, Richard.

People have a right to
expect their social advisor

to be suitably attired
when answering the telephone.

Oh!

Richard, it could be
my first client!

The "bouquet" residence,
the lady of the house speaking.

Oh, it's you, Violet.

Look, Violet, I can't stay
long on the telephone, dear.

I'm expecting some very
important business calls.

I don't remember
tearing your dress off.

Are you sure
you were with me?

Do you mind?
- I don't usually tear your dress off.

I've noticed.

You've usually got it off
before I get through the door.

It was one of Rose's
engagement parties. Yeah.

Well, that doesn't
narrow it down much.

Your Rose has had
more engagement parties

than I've had
bags of crisps.

I heard that.

Father's already up and dressed.
- What's his hurry?

Oh, he goes to his
hobby circle today.

But that's not
till this evening.

He doesn't want to be late.
- Daisy: Rose?

Mm-mm?

Who were you getting engaged
to when I wore a pink dress?

A pink dress?
I can't remember.

Me neither.

It was at one
of your engagement dos.

What was I wearing?

Well, it wouldn't be white,
I can tell you that much.

But where are we going?
- Now sit there, Richard.

And then you won't
miss any calls.

I can hear the phone
perfectly well from the lounge.

No, you'll be quite comfy,
dear. Read something.

Look,
the telephone book.

Now, I won't
be a moment.

I'm simply going to invite
Elizabeth for coffee.

But why don't you phone her?
That's what you normally do.

Richard, we have
to keep this line free.

It's bad enough
that calls

from people responding
to my advertisement

will have to take their turn
stacking up at the exchange,

without making bt's life
even more difficult.

Now, we may have to have
a second line installed.

But, Hyacinth-
- no, anyway...

If there's a call for me,
fetch me immediately.

I'll do that.

Oh, and do answer
the telephone nicely, Richard.

The way I do.

The "bouquet"
residence,

the lady of the house speaking.

No, I do not have
a special offer

on spicy prawn balls.

This is not
the Chinese take-away.

And will you please get off
my white slimline telephone

with last number redial?

We'll soon find out
when it was.

I've got Rose sorting out photos
from her engagement parties.

Well, you'd better give
her the hand to carry them,

otherwise she'll
give herself a hernia.

Some of Rose's photos
in here, somewhere.

We could put
that album on one side.

Those are
my early ones.

Yes, we can forget about
the black and white ones.

And the sepia.

Ooh-!

There you are, dear.
- Thank you, Hyacinth.

I'm so glad you could come, Elizabeth.

But don't be surprised if I have
to dash off to answer the telephone.

Sounds very exciting, this
new venture of yours, Hyacinth.

Yes, doesn't it?

Also, I feel it's a duty
on my part, you know?

Good taste is so very rare these days.

There's a whole world out
there in need of my advice-

cream?
- Oh, thank you, Hyacinth.

What exactly are the services
you're offering?

Oh, everything connected
with social etiquette

and gracious
entertaining. Sugar?

Thank you.

Everything from
how to lay a table

in the manner of your social betters
- oh, no tongs.

To advice on menus
for the unimaginative.

"Unimaginative"?

Mm-mm. The kind of
things people experience

at my candlelight
suppers.

I wouldn't mind
a coffee.

Richard, go and sit
by the telephone, dear.

We will hear it
in here.

Excuse me, Elizabeth. Do help
yourself to a biscuit, dear.

Now look, Richard, I cannot
be in two places at once.

I want you to sit here
with pencil at the ready

to take down names
and addresses.

But I can hear the telephone
perfectly well in the kitchen.

Shh-hh!
Precisely.

Delicious,
aren't they?

Look... I couldn't say
this in front of Elizabeth,

but she does have
this unfortunate habit

of dropping something
every time the telephone rings.

If this happens,

I might be distracted-
torn between the ringing

and the fate of my polished
table or handmade Burmese rug.

Now, sit here

with your pencil
at the ready.

"Sitting with my pencil

at the ready."

Oh, I liked him.

I wish you'd married
this one.

Oh, that one?

Yes, it looked all right,
but it was underpowered.

He was
underpowered.

Any more breakfast?

You've drunk it all.

Who's this?

When were you
engaged to this?

I don't know. Are you
sure it's one of mine?

Well, that's you
on his arm.

Oh, yes.

I don't remember
him at all.

92...

93...

Would you like
a little top-up, dear?

Oh, no, no, no, that's fine.
Thank you, Hyacinth.

Well, you mustn't
let it get cold.

I shall also advise,
of course,

on appropriate music
for elegant soire…es.

And I know just the person
to help me there.

Emmet.

We get on so well,
your brother and I.

I'm sure he'd enjoy working
out a program with me.

Oh, soggy "bickies."

Emmet's very busy,
Hyacinth.

Perhaps on special
occasions

the two of us could
perform together musically.

Only for my very best
clients, of course.

I want this whole thing
to be stately and gracious.

The essence of the art
of entertaining lies,

I always think,

in establishing an atmosphere
of grace and decorum.

Oh!

The "bouquet" residence, the
lady of the house speaking.

Oh, it's you,
Daisy.

It's my sister
Daisy.

She's not the one with the
Mercedes, sauna, and room for a pony.

Oh, Richard-get out
of the way, dear.

Oh Richard, you're
always in the way, dear.

Daisy,
what is it, dear?

Look, I can't stay long
on the telephone.

This is now
a business line.

I'm expecting
clients to call.

How's daddy?
Oh, dear daddy.

Daddy's gone to his
hobby circle.

I knew daddy
was a born philatelist.

Do I remember who, dear?
Rose's fiance…s?

Yes, I'm afraid
I do remember Rose's fiance…s.

The one
in the green suit?

No, I mean, I can't
remember his name,

but I do vaguely remember
someone in a green suit.

Richard, whom did Rose become
engaged to in a green suit?

I don't think I've ever
seen Rose in a green suit.

Not her, him.

Or should that be,
"not she, he"?

Thank you for the coffee, Hyacinth.

Always a pleasure,
Elizabeth.

I'd rather you didn't
climb over the wall, dear.

Somebody who's read
my advertisement

might just happen
to be watching.

You will tell Emmet about
my little plans for him?

Oh, I think perhaps
you'd better tell him.

I'm sure
he'd be thrilled.

I'm sure he'll be
more than thrilled.

And tell him
he mustn't be shy.

I'll be there
with him.

He'll be with someone
who knows

how to conduct herself
in social situations.

Hyacinth, telephone!

Richard!

Please don't shout
in the street.

It's not like you to go
about shouting in the street.

You've got a client.

How do I look?
How do I look?

Hello.
"Scintillating socializing."

Senior soire…e
staff supervisor speaking.

Yes.
How many are you?

20? Oh, no, we enjoy
the larger functions.

Yes.

No good being elegant if
there's no one there to see it.

Our fees?

Oh, well, I'm sure that normal
professional rates will be adequate.

Yes, I think
I can promise you

you're in
for a treat.

Address?

24a...

Market street.

That's nice and central.
Yes, and time? 6:00.

And when? Today.

Today?!

No, well it is
rather short notice,

but don't worry,
we shan't let you down.

Goodbye.

Oh, Richard...

Richard,
my first clients.

20 people, all wanting to
improve their social graces.

Hyacinth:
Emmet!

My musical friend.

Hyacinth,
you look amazing.

Thank you.
I'm going consulting.

Soon? I hope.

Immediately.
I'm on my way now...

If only Richard
would stop dawdling.

* rich-ard! *

what a pity
Emmet couldn't come.

I'm sure he
was devastated.

He would have
so enjoyed it.

I don't know who
these people are,

but they're clearly
interested in music.

They invited me
to bring my own.

Why did they
need music?

Background, dear.
Mind the pedestrian.

She is
on the pavement.

She might
decide to cross.

Er-minding
the pedestrian.

I can't see 24a,
can you?

I can't
even see 24.

Stop the car.

36.

We must have passed it.
Reverse, Richard.

I can't 'cause this is
a one-way street.

Oh, really. Fancy
choosing a one-way street.

I didn't choose it.

We'll have
to walk back.

Come along, Richard. Don't
dawdle. I mustn't be late.

I'm on the double-

oh, here it is.
- What, above a shop?

Why not? A group
of like-minded enthusiasts

needs somewhere central
to hold their meetings.

Now, wait here, Richard. I'll
go and relieve their minds.

They must be wondering
where I've got to.

And I'll find out
what time

you should come back
and pick me up.

Hello, Richard.
- David, hello.

Let you out
on your own, has she?

Oops, sorry. I shouldn't have
said that. It just slipped out.

Oh, it's all right.

That's not a very subtle
observation, is it?

Fairly accurate,
all the same.

If you don't mind my asking, how
long have you been married now?

32 years.

32 years?
Good heavens.

Still, look
on the bright side,

you should be due
for parole soon.

Come along,
Richard.

What's the matter?
What is it?

What a mercy
I didn't bring

my royal doulton with the
hand-painted periwinkles.

Where are we going?

We're going home.
- Home?

Get this door open,
Richard.

Oh, give me
those keys.

It can't be over
already.

It is for me.

They misread
my advert.

They were all men

and they thought I was going
to be a striptease artist.

Can you imagine?

Now don't get settled,
Richard.

You have one last task to perform.

What's that?
- To go back into number 24a.

Why,
for goodness sake?

To get daddy out.