All language subtitles for Keeping up appearances (BBC) S5EP07 The boyfriend

Ahh, vicar!

Good morning, vicar.

How nice of you
to drop by for a chat.

Are you all right?

Hyacinth, telephone!

Shh!

Please don't shout
in the street, Richard.

I do apologize, vicar.

I must answer my white
slimline telephone

with last number redial
facility.

It's bound to be
someone important.

Oh, do pick
the vicar up, Richard.

It makes the street
look so untidy.

And the lady
of the house speaking.

Sheridan!

Oh, I'm so glad
you've called, dear.

You've save mommy
picking up the vicar.

Daddy didn't tell me
you were on the telephone.

Oh, Sheridan,

how could he not know
it was you?

You grew up together.

Hmm?

You disguised
your voice, dear?

Why did you disguise
your voice?

Something personal
you wish to share with mommy

that daddy wouldn't
understand.

Oh, Sheridan,
I think it's wonderful

that you still feel
you can confide in mommy.

Mmm, that we're still
such pals.

Now what is it, dear?

You need ?70.

This great cry
rang out,

and my foot slipped off the
pedal and I lost my balance.

When she shouts like that,
people do.

Mrs. Bucket
- "bouquet" has an extremely powerful voice.

Look at the practice
it gets.

How do you manage?

It's like the army.

You just follow orders.

Every move
is worked out for you

and your meals
appear on time.

But they only sign on
for 20 years.

Underneath she's
really quite kind.

Oh, yes.

Morning, all.

Oh, hang on, Emmet.
I'm going your way.

Fast, I hope.
- Definitely.

Chin up.

Hey, handsome.

Breakfast time,
o mighty husband.

Breakfast time,
o man of my life.

What's all this
in aid of?

Just a little
thoughtful act

of the kind wives
do for husbands.

I'm not doing the garden.

I did it last year.

You did it when?

All right,
year before last.

It's not the garden.
I thought...

We might spend
the day together,

just the two of us.

Father's going
to the over-60s.

Rose has an appointment
with a gentleman friend.

We've got the house
to ourselves.

You're right,
I should do the garden.

Eat your breakfast.

Good morning.

Hello.

It looks clean
to me.

It does to me, now.

False.

Plastic.

Why does Sheridan
need ?70?

At that age,
they always need ?70.

Ever since I can remember,
he's been at that age.

Yes, it's true.
He matured very early.

Even in the cubs he had more
equipment than the s.A.S.

How it breaks
a mommy's heart

to see her son
go off in uniform.

To the cub scouts?

For two hours
on a Wednesday?

I didn't see Emmet
this morning.

No, he left early.

Poor, shy Emmet.

It can't be easy for him
to communicate

with someone he sets
on such a high pedestal.

They're rehearsing
"the boyfriend."

But you didn't tell me.

Hyacinth, we've been
married all these years

I've never been able
to tell you anything.

Two coffees, please.

We'll have coffee
at home.

Come along, Richard.

Very nice,
thank you.

Well?

Any more bacon?

Poor Emmet.

I'm sure he'd love to ask
me to be in "the boyfriend,"

but he's too shy.

I've noticed before
I have this effect on him.

You must be jealous,
Richard.

I'm sure it's
purely platonic.

But isn't "the boyfriend"
full of young people?

- 1920s flappers.
- Yes, it is.

Wouldn't it be lovely?

Won't it need
someone younger?

Hmm?

Well, I can do younger.

It's all to do
with acting,

make-up,
wigs and things.

You can't have forgotten my fairy
queen in the church pantomime.

I haven't forgotten,

and I don't think
that I ever will forget that.

She's out!

Let me be the first to
congratulate you on your timing.

That is possibly the most beautiful
phrase in the English language.

"She's out." It rings
like music to the ears.

They've gone out
in the car.

Was she singing anything?

Especially anything 1920s?

She was giving Richard
his instructions as usual.

She wasn't singing.

Oh, she will be,

once she learns
I'm rehearsing "the boyfriend."

She won't only
be singing at me,

she'll be singing
1920s at me.

Oh, she can't expect
a part in "the boyfriend."

I mean, she's too old.

Even Hyacinth
wouldn't ex-

♫ I could be happy... ♫

♫ I'd be contented- ♫

coffee in 10 minutes,
Elizabeth.

Bring Emmet,
won't you?

What are you
doing here, our Rose?

I thought you were
out for the day.

I've never been so insulted
in all my life.

If that's true,
it must've been a big day.

I was planning
on a big day.

I was planning on having
onslow to myself.

Lucky you.

I've been setting
my stall out

to ignite whatever
spark is left.

How you doing?

Not very well.
We're out of bacon.

I'll come with you.
Oh, men.

You can't trust 'em.

Now we all know it's not
my style to be dictatorial.

I don't want to overwhelm
poor Emmet.

This is something we have to
do with tact and discretion.

We have to do?
- Mmm.

I've been conscripted.

It is like the army.

Now when we're
having coffee,

I want you to walk in here
very casually...

And switch on the hi-fi.

We don't usually have music
when they come for coffee.

In fact, usually you have
coffee in the kitchen.

Normally, yes,

but today I shall bring
Elizabeth and Emmet in here.

And we shall wallow
in the superior ambiance

of my "house beautiful"
look-alike lounge.

I'll feel an idiot
just walking in

and switching on
the hi-fi.

It's all ready.

Just remember,
not too loud.

Nothing excessive.

You know me, I'm a great
believer in understatement.

I think you should
change, dear.

Why should I change?

Oh, try to create
a more 1920s atmosphere.

Let people see it's something
we're perfectly at home with.

How am I going
to do that?

Oh, a little touch
of Fred Astaire.

Come in as if you're
in a good mood,

do a little twirl

and a tap.

It-it's not really me,
Hyacinth.

Don't be obstructive,
Richard.

We're trying
to help Emmet.

No, Liz.

Tell her I've become
allergic to coffee.

Tell her I've just gone down
with rigor mortis.

Tell her I've gone
to Greenland.

Tel her I've-ahhh.

Now that's a good idea.

Why don't I go
to Greenland?

Get the place warm
and I'll follow you.

Oh no, it's no good.

Even if I got to Greenland,

I expect the first eskimo
I came across

would be holding
candlelight suppers.

You might just as well
get it over.

Come and have a coffee

and make it perfectly
clear to her

that you have already
picked your cast,

and then she'll
leave you in peace.

She never leaves me
in peace.

I'm destined to go
through the rest of my life

bearing a Hyacinth.

She's really
very fond of you.

I can't think why.

I'm as nasty
as I can be.

She thinks
you're attracted to her.

Now sit down,
Richard.

We need to talk.

Now...

Oh, percolator.

If it's about Sheridan, he's
getting no more money this month.

It's not Sheridan, and you
needn't be so mean with that child.

He's not a child anymore.

At his age,
Alexander the great

was conquering persia.

I certainly don't want
my Sheridan conquering persia.

You know he mustn't
get overexcited.

The way he spends,
it's me that gets excited.

Shouldn't that
be "i," dear?

Oh, probably.

So what did thou

want to speak to I about?

Now don't
be silly, dear.

I want to prepare you
for what will happen

if Emmet offers me
a part in "the boyfriend."

Oh, I shouldn't set too many
hopes on that, Hyacinth.

It'll mean many hours
working with Emmet.

There'll be days when you
have to get your own supper.

And there is
something else, dear-

I've noticed I have
a very powerful effect on Emmet.

But you know
you can trust me.

And I don't want
you to be jealous.

I think I might be
able to manage that, Hyacinth.

Didn't you know
he was married?

Well, yes, but I didn't
know it was serious.

What are you doing out?

Ask your father.

I thought he'd gone
to the over-60s?

He came back again,
didn't he?

That's no reason
for you to go out.

That's what I told him. But he said
it's a restricted military area,

and all civilians
have to leave.

Oh, he's off again.

Nice. Driven out of your
own house at bayonet point.

Where did he get
a bayonet?

I don't know where
he got it from.

But I could see
where he thought it was going.

Rose...

Did you forget
to give him his pills?

Oh, I thought you were
giving him them.

And so a bloke gets
no peace in his own house.

If it's not his wife going
broody it's her crazy father.

Well, I want him out before
the racing starts on the telly.

Oh, he's not crazy.

He's just a bit senile.

A bit?!

He thinks i'm
a German paratrooper!

I bet you'd look gorgeous
in the uniform.

Oh, come along, Emmet.

Let's get it
over with.

Ring the bell.

♫ it's never too late... ♫

I can't do it!
- Yes, you can!

You weren't really
serious when you said...

She thinks i'm
attracted to her?

She's noticed she has
a powerful effect on you.

You can say that again.

And she thinks it's because
you find her attractive.

I think I want
to die.

Ring the bell.

Elizabeth!

Emmet!

Poor Emmet.
I do fluster him so.

Come in. Come in.
Come in, come in, come in.

♫ oh, it's
never too late... ♫

Richard will be
with us in a flash.

Oh, I expect that's
someone important.

No, no, no, no!

We're in
the lounge today.

I'll be with you
in a moment.

"Bouquet" residence,
the lady of the house speaking.

It's my sister Daisy.

She's not the one with the
Mercedes, sauna and room for a pony.

Why are you calling
from a telephone box, Daisy?

Mmm.

What do you mean,
you can't get in?

Have you lost your keys?

Well, why won't daddy
let anyone in?

He's had orders to defend
the house to the last man?

What a wonderful sense
of duty daddy has.

Yes.

No, I cannot
come over, dear.

We have guests.

Just hold on a minute,
will you, Daisy?

I'm so sorry
about this.

Sister talk.

♫ oh, sisters,
sisters ♫

♫ there were never
such devoted sisters... ♫

music, Richard.
Music, dear.

And pour the coffee out.

Ooh!

♫ sisters, sisters ♫

♫ there were never
such devoted sisters. ♫

now where were we, Daisy?

You've had to put
another 20p in.

Oh, I'm sorry about that.
Yes.

No, I will not allow onslow
to come over here

and watch racing
on my television.

Now I know you have
a problem with daddy, dear.

What?

He has a bayonet?

Is it a real one
or a toy one?

Is it sharp?
All right.

All right, Daisy.
Now go back home

and we'll be over
straightaway.

Ohhh.

I know you'll be
disappointed,

but something's
just come up.

Put that dreadful
music off, Richard.

Come along. We'll have
coffee on my return.

I hope it's nothing
serious, Hyacinth.

No, no, no.

It's just that daddy's
locked himself in again

and this time
he may cut himself.

Off you go.
I'll catch you later.

Locked himself in?
- With a rifle and a bayonet.

He's defending the house
to the last man.

Should we call for help?

I cannot allow daddy to
be manhandled by strangers.

No, Richard,
you will have to fetch him.

What, me?
- Yes, you.

Is he violent?
- Yes, of course, he's violent.

He's defending the house
to the last man.

Ohhh.

Now, what shall
I wear?

Rose:
I can't see him.

Perhaps he's forgotten
all about it

and gone back to bed.

Somebody'd better
go in and check.

How about you?

He's your father.
Anyway, I can't go.

He thinks i'm
a Nazi paratrooper.

I'll go.

Oh, nice.

And then soon be off
at wincanton.

Tell him
the war's over.

He won't believe me.
He'll think I'm a spy.

Is that bayonet
very sharp?

I didn't fancy
waiting to find out.

It's been a funny day.

I was hoping
for a quiet day-

just the two of us.

I'm still waiting
for that bacon.

Some people have foreplay.

I have to grill bacon.

Hyacinth: I expect they've
forgotten daddy's medication.

Daddy should be in a home
which is organized.

I'd have at home with us
in a flash

if I wasn't rehearsing
"the boyfriend."

Mind that old lady.

Where was the old lady?

Going into that shop.

You think that I was going
to ram raid the shop?

He's nodding off.

Bless him.
He must be tired.

Why should he be tired?

It's a big responsibility,
fighting a war all on your own.

Ohh!

Oh, daddy. Once he's
better we'll have him over.

One afternoon.

For tea and light
refreshments.

In the garden.

The back garden,
of course.

Hyacinth:
Oh, good heavens.

They've been
selling tickets.

No wonder daddy thinks
there's still a war on.

Is it safe to get out,
do you think?

I don't think your father's
going to hurt you.

I'm not afraid
of daddy.

It's the neighbors
round here.

What are you
worried about?

I feel like
Marie antoinette.

Hello, Hyacinth.
Hello, Richard.

Hello, Daisy.
- Good morning, Daisy.

It looks as if daddy's causing
quite a lot of interest.

Yes, he is.
Come on.

Oh, by the way,
this is Bert and Martha.

This is
my sister Hyacinth.

How do you do?
- And this is Charlie.

Oh.
- He works down the drains,

and part-time
in the sandwich shop.

And this is
beryl and Willie.

They're old friends of ours.
Well, not that old.

Oh, and I mustn't
forget Ethel.

She was miss southport
in 1948.

Really?
Fascinating.

He's started
to doze off again.

This would be
a good time then.

It doesn't take much
to wake him.

Which is more than
could be said for some people.

Now.

Right.

Operation daddy.

Daddy!

Poor daddy.

He's sleeping now.

Sit down, Hyacinth.

This one's yours.
No sugar, right?

Thank you.
No sugar, that's right.

I've been wanting
to talk to you.

Now you know
I would have daddy with us,

but he brings Sheridan
out in a rash.

It's not about daddy.

I've been wanting
to talk to you privately.

It's about onslow.
- I warned you, Daisy, not to marry him.

I like being married
to him.

I think you're
so brave, dear.

It's just that...

We don't seem to be...

You know...

As close
as we used to be.

I was wondering if...

You and Richard were still, you know...

As close
as you used to be.

Oh, yes, of course.
Absolutely.

I think Richard and I
are the perfect pair.

I can't think of a couple
I admire more.

I think that's nice.

How do you keep his...
Attention?

Oh, just raise
your voice, dear.

I've been meaning
to ask you, Dickie-

you and Hyacinth sleep in
the same bedroom, don't you?

Yes, why?

And share a double bed?
- Yeah.

You've got some nerve.

I admire that.
I really do admire that.

Just between you and me,

how do you handle things
when she gets a bit...

You know, friendly?

Friendly?

Hyacinth runs
a very clean establishment,

but I wouldn't
call it friendly.

What would you do
if in the middle of the night

you suddenly felt
a friendly arm around you?

I'd get straight up.
I'd know I was in the wrong bed.

And you mean you still
find onslow desirable?

I always think
he's like Marlon Brando

in "streetcar
named desire."

Control yourself, Daisy.

You're a married woman.

Marriage is
a fine institution

designed to eradicate
feelings like that.

You know what
your trouble is?

Mmm?
- You've nothing to Polish.

You've no royal doulton.

I know.
What about flower arranging?

I don't think that would be
quite the same thing.

What's wrong with Daisy?
- She thinks onslow's growing more and more attractive.

I think that's
rather nice, really.

Hmm.

Mind the bus.

I think you lost interest in me
once you had Sheridan.

Oh, don't be silly,
dear.

How can you say that?

Who was it stuck by you when you
wanted to join the history book club?

I always made sure
you had plenty to read.

But you don't think I'm growing
more and more attractive, do you?

Good heavens, no.