All language subtitles for Keeping up appearances (BBC) S5EP06 The country house sale

Oh dear, oh dear,
oh dear.

Richard,
what's the matter?

You know what's the matter.
It's the sale tomorrow.

Ah, I know.
I'm excited too.

I'm not excited,
I'm terrified.

Hmm?
- The thought of you at a sale.

Oh, I do love
a sale.

Especially the thought of
you at a country house sale.

Especially country
house sales.

You get carried away.

You think that because things
have belonged to the aristocracy,

they must be worth twice as much.
- The truth is,

I always think that because things
have belonged to the aristocracy,

they must be worth
twice as much.

There you go. Hyacinth, you
must not go beyond our limit!

Shh, Richard.
Go to sleep, dear.

You'll need all your energy for tomorrow.

Who's that
at this hour?

Hadn't you better go
and find out?

Me?

Suppose it's
a mad strangler?

They don't usually
knock on the door.

If it was
a mad strangler,

he'd have come through
the window, wouldn't he?

You'd still
send me down

even if he did
come through the window.

Why don't you go?

I'm busy keeping
the bed warm for you.

It's Mrs. Braddock.

Oh, not her again.

What does
she want now?

Same as last time
- she say father promised to marry her.

Send your father down.

There's no reason
to keep the whole house awake

just 'cause he's
getting married.

He can't stand her.

Why did he promise
to marry her?

He says he didn't.

He said he only offered her
a temporary position.

I know
just how she feels.

Now Hyacinth,
remember you promised.

You won't
go beyond our limit.

What about
the hat, dear?

Yes, we might stretch
as far as a secondhand hat.

What do you mean,
a "secondhand" hat?

I bought this one new.
- Oh, that hat.

Now Richard I want
you to tell me

if this looks like a
"mingling-with the-aristocracy" hat.

It's fine. Fine.
- No, I don't want any snap judgments.

Please try to remember

that this will be among
some very aristocratic hats.

It's fay, fay.
- Don't be silly, dear.

Yes, this could easily be
mistaken for an aristocratic hat.

Just as long as you
don't mistake my checkbook

for an aristocratic
checkbook.

You ready?
- I think they're going out.

I'd rather wait until the coast
is clear before we step outside.

Why don't we just go
before they come out?

We might
bump into them.

She'll sing at me.
She'll ruin my day.

You've really got
a thing about Hyacinth.

That's because she's
the kind of person

it is very easy
to get a thing about.

You're a grown man.

And she's
a groan a minute.

Honestly, Emmet. Just
let your mind go blank.

I do.
- Oh, Liz. Liz.

It's so much simpler to wait a
few moments until they've gone.

Then they can go their way,
and we can go our way,

and our day
will be complete.

How do you know
they're going out?

Because Richard's got
the car out.

Well?
- Very nice.

"Nice," he says.

Is that the best
you can manage?

Today could be the day

I'm mistaken
for someone important.

If anybody should mistake
me for someone important,

let them think
what they may.

After all, it's only
an accident of birth

that I'm not
someone important.

Well, I am
someone important.

It's simply
an accident of birth

that I'm not
even more important.

Even... aristocratic.

She spends
like an aristocrat.

What are we going to do
about Mrs. Braddock?

Is she still hanging about?
- I haven't seen her,

but what are we going
to do about her?

If she's going to make
that racket every night,

your father'll have
to marry her.

Oh, nice.

I hope you're going to be the
one to break it to our Hyacinth.

Fancy having to tell
our Hyacinth

father's got to get married at his age.

How come he doesn't
want to marry her?

He usually wants
to marry everybody.

Mrs. Braddock's
horrible.

Everybody he's ever been
involved with has been horrible.

Maybe he likes horrible.

Well, it's amazing
how many do.

You should see what some of my
gentlemen friends have to go home to.

I could never settle
for horrible.

It always
has to be stylish.

That was all right
when I was young, daise,

but it can be
a heck of a strain-

the constant battle
to remain attractive.

Cha-cha-cha-cha!
- Ahh!

You said left.
You said, "go left."

You probably thought I
said left when I said right.

Why would I do that?

Because you're in an
argumentative mood, dear.

I noticed it first thing this morning.

You were very offhand
about my hat.

Anyway, now you have the map
out, do you know where we are?

Yes.

Lost.

Father says, "would you make
sure Mrs. Braddock's not about?"

He wants to go out.

And he daren't go out
if Mrs. Braddock's about.

Why don't you go out and
check if Mrs. Braddock's about?

She bites.

And she looks to me like someone
who might possibly be septic.

And that's just
her face.

Onslow, will you go out and
see if Mrs. Braddock's about?

Oh, nice. Doesn't matter if she
bites me and turns me septic.

But she won't bite you.
She likes men.

She bites me.
She likes men.

That was before I discovered
bacon sarnies.

Oh, go on, onslow.

I'll hold your bacon sarnie for you.

No, you won't.

I've seen you before with bits
of some poor bloke's bacon.

I'll go out when I've
finished my sarnie.

Richard:
Which way this time?

Left or right?

Right.

No, left. Left.

No, as you were.
Turn right.

Watch out for animals.

What animals?
I can't see any animals.

This is the countryside.
There are always animals.

Never mind
about the animals.

Are you sure this is the right way?
- I'm quite sure.

Stop trying
to confuse me, Richard.

I hate it
when you confuse me.

Mind the car.
There's a car coming.

I can see
the car coming.

I believe it's
Elizabeth and Emmet.

Flash your lights.

Thank heavens they're
going the other way.

I didn't like
Hyacinth's hat.

I didn't like
Elizabeth's hat.

Never mind about the hat.

Can you see where we are on the map?

Yes, I have
my finger on the spot.

We go along here
for a little while,

and then we come
to some crossroads.

She's not out here.

What are you doing?

Go and see if she's
in the street.

Street? Nobody said
anything about the streets.

All you said was go and
see if she was outside.

Just go to the gate,
and look both ways.

And if you see her,
tell her to go away.

Oh, nice.
The pace of modern life.

Be careful.

He's not parachuting
into occupied France.

I don't want him
injured.

Why?
What have you heard?

How fierce
is this Mrs. Braddock?

She's not fierce. She
just gets a bit excited.

Think hard.
You remember excited.

All clear.
- Great.

Ol!

He promised
he'd marry me.

Mrs. Braddock, what are
you doing in the car?

When you're my age,

you likes to sit down.

Where's my dog?
- Ran away yelping.

You haven't been
biting my dog?

Never touched him.

Oh...

Here, girl!
Here, girl!

Come on, girl.

Come on, girl.
Where are you?

I'm here, love.

Not you,
Mrs. Braddock.

Come on, girl.

That last signpost,

I'm sure it said
nettleford was that way.

I didn't see it.
- I'm sure I read it correctly.

Richard, should you be reading
while you're driving?

Now, do come along, dear.

We'll never reach
the sale.

Time is not
on our side.

Richard...

Door, dear.

There you are,
Richard.

I told you
I'd find you the way.

Emmet: I've been looking
forward to this, Liz.

It's been a while since
I've been to a sale.

To top it off, there's that wonderful
feeling of peace and Serenity

that comes from knowing
that Hyacinth

is traveling somewhere
in the opposite direction.

Yes, it's
a rather special feeling.

Bit like waking up and thinking
it's all been a bad dream.

Anyway, you can forget
about her today

and relax
and enjoy yourself.

I intend to.

I did like Derek.
Derek was a gentleman.

He never went out
in a car

without something to put between
a person and the damp grass.

Thank heavens you're here.
Can you change the program?

What channel do you want?
- Two.

That's great, daise.
Nobody does it like you.

Do you think we ought to take
some tea out to Mrs. Braddock?

Don't make her too comfy.
She'll be there forever.

It just feels rotten,

drinking tea
and thinking of her

sitting out there
in that old car.

How do you think
the dog feels?

You took Mrs. Braddock breakfast.
What more does she want?

I can't enjoy things

when I know
she's out there.

Just bear in mind,
she's got to go sometime.

I can't live forever
under this dog.

Why don't you put the
dog down and nurse me?

Take Mrs. Braddock
a cup of tea.

I knew he'd say that.

Let father take her a cup of
tea. It's his fault she's here.

Why can't they both
live in the car?

Then we could rent
the spare bedroom.

He doesn't
like her enough.

He just regards her
as a plaything.

I know the feeling.

We could let her in and
put father in the car.

Bless her, I'm going to
take her a cup of tea.

There you are, you see?
I brought you straight here.

I don't know what all
the fuss was about.

Oh, yes.
I do like the house.

There you go,
getting carried away.

We cannot afford
the house.

I think I'd do something
about the curtains.

I do think the curtains
are rather bourgeois.

And if people should mistake
me for someone aristocratic,

I don't want you
telling them I'm not.

It will
simply confuse them.

But hyacin- - it's only good
manners to let them believe it.

Excuse me,
my good man.

Could you direct me
to the auction chamber?

Through the arch, madam, it's
the first door on the right.

Thank you.
How courteous.

Clearly a faithful retainer
of the old school.

You can always tell.
Should I tip him?

I wouldn't
if I were you, Hyacinth.

No, you're probably
right.

Anything as coarse as money
would obviously shock.

My lord?

Her ladyship
would like a word.

She's in the blue
drawing room.

You see? I knew
he was quality.

I wouldn't bother
looking at any of these.

Have you seen
the estimated prices?

Of course, these are
not really to my taste.

I was looking for something more
like gainsborough's "blue boy."

What?

Only cheaper, dear.

Excuse me.
- Yes, madam.

We were wondering

if you had anything like
gainsborough's "blue boy."

I'm afraid not, madam.

Oh, pity.

What about a beautiful
painting of a basket of flowers?

I think not, madam.

Isn't anyone painting
baskets of flowers anymore?

I have a beautiful one at home.

It's the work of a
miss Patience fullerton.

Are you familiar with the work
of miss Patience fullerton?

I don't think so, madam.

She's very talented.
You can almost...

...smell the flowers.

Oh, I know.
What about something

like "the sunset"
by Mr. Van cough?

Come along, Hyacinth.

A little like daddy
when he was younger.

Good afternoon.

There are some
lovely things here, Liz.

Beautiful.
- I'm glad we came.

So am I. What are you going to bid for?

Practically
everything.

Hyacinth:
Oh look, Richard.

Apart from
the family crest,

that's almost identical
to my own dear royal doulton.

Hyacinth!
- Hyacinth!

I think I was
happiest with Derek...

Until tragedy struck.
- His wife found out.

She was so selfish.

He was cross-eyed.

He wasn't.

He just had
an attractive lazy eye.

Onslow's got one.

It goes all the way down
to his boots.

Just play
the card, daise.

Snap!

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
lot 83 in your catalogues:

A fine pair
of ornamental vases.

Oh, Richard,
I like those.

No, you don't.
Not at these prices.

But that's
just an estimate.

They could well realize more.
- Exactly.

Now where can we begin,
ladies and gentlemen? ?100?

Sit on your hands.

Will anyone start me
on ?100?

- 75?
- They're getting cheaper.

Sit on your hands.
- ?50.

?50 I'm bid. Your bid, sir, by the window.

?50 I'm bid.
?60?

Your bid, madam.
?60 I'm bid.

?70. ?70 I'm bid.

?80? ?80.

?90. ?100 I'm bid.

?110 I'm bid.

All done at 110.

Sold to the gentleman
by the window.

Oh...

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
lot 142 in your catalogues:

This victorian
ornamental screen.

Look, Richard. It's Elizabeth and Emmet.

Are you opening
the bidding, madam?

No!
No, stop waving.

Ye gods.

We ought to have bid
for that screen.

It was beginning
to feel just like home.

Your next item,
ladies and gentlemen,

is something
of a family curio-

six bottles of the dowager lady Ursula's

homemade
gooseberry wine.

Apparently, the old lady
was something of an expert

in the production
of country wines,

and these have been in bottle for
a considerable number of years.

The dowager lady Ursula's
homemade gooseberry wine.

All right. I think that might
just be within our range.

Now, will anybody
start me at ?10?

Yes!

Sold!

Oh, Richard,

it'll be the crowning moment
of my next candlelight supper.

When I offer my guests

a glass of the dowager lady
Ursula's homemade gooseberry wine.

Don't drop any,
Richard.

Oh look,
there's his lordship.

Hello,
your lordship!

Oh, hello.

I see you bought
old mumsy's dynamite.

Yes.

I've always had
an eye for quality.

One way to ruin your eye is
drinking too much of that stuff.

Really?

And it's entirely
handmade

by the dowager
lady Ursula?

Absolutely.

The rest of us ran a mile
from old mumsy's scrumpy.

I think perhaps we ought
to be going, Hyacinth.

Oh, Richard, not before
we've invited his lordship

to join us in a toast to the good
lady responsible for all this.

A toast to mumsy?
- Mmm.

One can hardly decline
that. Let's go inside.

Oh, how nice.

I've had a very interesting
day, your lordship.

Though there
weren't quite enough

of our sort
about the place.

Stand by to crack open a bottle, Richard.

Standing by...

To crack.

I did warn her
about old mumsy's dynamite.

You know, to tell the truth
I wouldn't be surprised

if that's not
what killed her.

I'm so sorry.

It should be all right once
we get her into the car.

Thank you.

Oh, I do hope,
your lordship,

that someday you'll give me the pleasure

of entertaining you at one
of my candlelight slippers.

We shall most "deforably"
be having a glass or two

of the dowager lady Ursula's
home goosewade-Berry mine.

Slow learner, is she?

Oh!

Why-why is he
tying me up?

Why is this churl
tying me up?

I'm being held a prisoner,
your lordship.

A white woman wearing a hat,
what is the world coming to?

Unhand me, varlet!

I am putting
your seatbelt on.

Oh, Richard,

thank heavens you got
here in the Nick of time.

Goodbye.

Hyacinth: Goodbye.

Don't turn left,
Richard,

straight on!

But why?

I want to take a little gift to daddy.

A bottle of the dowager lady Ursula's

gomemade
wooseberry hine.

Mind the pillar box!

Minding
the pillar box.

* drink to me
only with thine eyes... *

are we here already?

You're sure that you want to do this?

Richard, I'm perfectly
capable of knowing my own mind.

Hy-Hyacinth!

Yes, dear.
- It's this way.

Shh.

What are you doing now?

Not a word, Richard.

That'll teach it!

Woof!

I do hope
you'll all join me

in a bottle of the dowager lady Ursula's

heymode geesberry woone.

Hello.