All language subtitles for Keeping up appearances (BBC) S5EP05 Skis

I wish you'd smile more
when you're gardening, Richard.

Psss!

If I do that,
they're going to lock me away.

Try to look as though
you're enjoying it, dear.

I don't particularly
enjoy it.

It's just something
that has to be done.

Well that's how
it appears.

The garden looks
well enough.

Oh, it's not
the garden, dear.

It's you.

You look as though
you're not enjoying doing it,

which gives the impression
that we can't afford a gardener.

We can't afford a gardener.

Shh, Richard,
keep your voice down.

If we can't afford
a gardener,

that's all the more reason
why we should look as though

we can afford a gardener.

So in the future,

could you look like someone who
enjoys doing his own gardening,

but could afford a gardener
if he wanted to?

Oh, I do believe
that's the carradines.

It was.
It was the carradines.

She used to be
Baxter's biscuits, you remember.

I remember.

Oh!

Oh, unmannerly oaf!

Sheridan would be furious

if he knew that strangers
were honking at his mommy.

Do you think
there's life after death?

I hope so. There's not that much before.

I'm just getting
my second wind.

And all this loving
your neighbor stuff...

Just look at the sort
of neighbors we've got.

Anybody who lives
next door to us is hardly

the kind of neighbor
that you can go about loving.

I wouldn't mind if I lived
with our Hyacinth.

Her neighbor's terrific.

Emmet.
- Dishy.

If anybody's loved
their neighbors, you have.

I bet nobody's
cast a wider net.

What's brought
all this on, our Rose?

I met this-
this born-again Christian.

Where?
- In the pub.

Must have been
his night off.

What are you doing?

I'm just emptying
the petal bin, dear.

I've done that.

Oh, yes, so you have.
Silly me.

Anyway, I'm just coming...

What are you doing now?

Are you
in a draft, dear?

No, but what are you doing?

When you're retired,
you have to be

particularly careful
about being in drafts.

I'm just checking
the letterbox

to make sure we haven't
received any more leaflets

about cheap double-glazing.

No, there aren't
any leaflets.

I'm so excited.

I'm as excited as if it were
my birthday tomorrow.

Are you looking forward
to your present?

Are you excited, dear?
You don't look it.

I will not have you
not excited, Richard.

I-well,
I usually get slippers.

And nobody likes slippers
more than I do,

but they're not an item about
which you get really excited.

So if you don't mind

I'll wait until tomorrow
to get excited.

As you please.

Ooh, it's very late.

Is that an emergency?

The "bouquet" residence,
the lady of the house speaking.

Look, if this is
an emergency,

please say
it's not Sheridan.

Oh, it's you,
Rose, yes.

Do I believe
in what, dear?

Of course I believe
there's life after death.

Richard and I will be
an entity for eternity.

Where are you
on life after death?

I'm optimistic-
don't know.

If there is
an afterlife,

do you think
we'll be slimmer?

I expect so.

I don't suppose
they'll do as many chips.

Maybe they'll let us
send out for some chips.

I could just fancy
some chips.

Our Hyacinth doesn't think

it's a good idea
that I talk to the vicar.

I bet the vicar's wife doesn't
think it's a good idea either.

You only want to talk to him
because he's a dishy vicar.

Listen, if i'm
going to go religious,

I might as well
go first class.

Here, Rose, are you feeling Christian
enough to do us all a few chips?

Bug off, onslow.

Oh, nice.

Born-again bone idol.

Now, Richard,
just stand there, dear

and keep your eyes
tightly closed.

We don't usually
have all this fuss.

Normally, you just
give me the slippers.

Now you keep them closed.

I'll be with you
in a minute.

Keep them closed.

You can open them...

Now.

Happy birthday, Richard.

What is it?

It's a drainpipe.
You bought me a drainpipe.

Well, go on,
open it.

Open it!

Oh, come on,

we ought to wish Richard
a happy birthday.

I do wish Richard
a happy birthday, Liz.

If anyone ever needed
a happy birthday, it is Richard.

Well then, come on.

Emmet, you can't stay
hiding indoors forever.

Do you know you're getting
prison pallor?

I'll catch him
when he's alone.

When is Richard
ever alone?

Precisely, Liz.

Maybe I could sneak him off
for a quiet drink somewhere.

Give the poor devil
a break.

I'm sure he'd
enjoy that.

The trick is...

Trying to get him free
from the clutches of...

The creature
from the black lagoon.

Frankenstein created
a monster,

and it sings.

Look, take the bull
by the horns.

Just say to Hyacinth,

"I'm going to take Richard
out for a birthday drink."

You want me to take her
by the horns!

What kind
of advice is that?

Skis?

All the best people
have them.

What am I going
to do with skis?

Well, I thought they'd
look well on the car.

You can take them
for a drive, occasionally-

up on top.

The carradines-

they have skis
on their car.

Oh, did they?
What a coincidence.

I'm the wrong age
for skis.

Nonsense, you're never too
old to put skis on your car.

Seems a bit odd
buying skis not to ski.

Oh, Richard,

you don't imagine everyone
who has skis on his car

actually skis.
Good heavens, no.

You don't expect everyone with a
feather in his hat to be a partridge.

How am I going to get them
on the car?

It means I'll have to buy
one of those rack things.

No, no, no. We can borrow
Violet's and Bruce's.

They used to ski.

Then why didn't you borrow
Violet and Bruce's skis?

Richard, I will not
have you going about

with shabby, substandard,
borrowed skis.

No, you can take
your new skis to Violet's

and then we'll borrow
their rack.

No, I can leave the skis here
and just go and get the rack.

But then the people
in Bruce's area

won't see you
with your new skis,

only a second-hand rack.
Ooh!

Please leave the planning
to me, Richard.

Oh, that'll be
someone important.

The "bouquet" residence,
the lady of the house speaking.

Oh, hello, Rose.
Yes.

Why do you want the vicar's
telephone number, dear?

Hmm, what sort of questions?

Well, I don't think you can ask the
vicar a question like that, Rose.

No, well, yes,

I'm sure that he'd see you
privately if you insist.

You'd have to go
to the vicarage.

Hmmm? What makes
you think

the vicarage
will be unfriendly?

Well, yes of course, I
suppose his wife will be there.

What sort
of a personal chat is it

you want
with this vicar?

Look, Rose,

if you need somewhere private,
bring him here.

Then I can keep
an eye on you

and Richard can
show him his skis.

Happy birthday, Richard.

Thank you, Emmet.

Are you going skiing?

We're going to her sister
Violet's actually.

I didn't know they lived
that far north.

Hello, Emmet.

How are you?
- I was feeling quite well. Thank you, Hyacinth.

We're just off
to my sister Violet's.

You know, the one
with the Mercedes,

the sauna and room
for a pony!

Richard, please be
more careful.

I think that's
the highest note

you've reached
in quite a while.

Mind what you're doing
with those skis.

There's more ski
than car.

Oh, they'll be fine once
we've borrowed Bruce's rack.

What do you wear
for a vicar?

Whatever it is, you won't
have that kind of stuff.

How about
a dishy vicar?

Behave yourself, Rose.

You're supposed to be interested
in life after death, not before.

Did you shuffle
these cards?

I'm a good shuffler.

That's in bed.

How would you know?
You're never awake.

That's what I miss-

a little companionship
in my lonely bed.

No wonder yours is
a lonely bed,

you're always in
somebody else's.

It's just a desperate
search for happiness.

Why do you give me
cards like this?

It's such a relief
to see you

getting worked up
about something.

Just play the cards.

Ooh, I love it when he
orders me to do things.

Yeah!

I'll never be able
to drive.

Oh, do stop making
difficulties, Richard.

Me make difficulties?

You're never going to get
the hang of skis

if you don't
practice with them.

Oh, Richard,
you're skiing on my hat.

It's difficult enough
making room for your hats,

never mind skis.

I want you to start

being at ease
with skis, Richard.

I wish you'd
bought me slippers.

I'm at ease
with slippers.

I really thought you'd take
to all this much quicker.

You're quite good
with snowballs

and christmassy
things.

There's more to this
than just enjoying a mince pie.

Hyacinth:
When we get to Violet's,

don't park the car
next to the Mercedes.

I always think our car
looks better

not parked
next to a Mercedes.

Oh, look. Isn't that
the two miss pilsworths?

Yes it is.
Stop the car, Richard.

We'll give them a lift.
- Suppose they don't want a lift.

You remember
their father?

There's not room
for him as well.

No, their father
was colonel pilsworth-

a very old family.

I've been trying
to persuade them

to come to one
of my candlelight suppers,

but apparently, the elder miss
pilsworth is allergic to naked flame.

Aren't we all?

I promised you'd
extinguish her straightaway.

Oh, lord, it's
the candlelight queen.

Fate must be
drawing us together.

Do let us
give you a lift.

What did she say?
- She wants to give us a lift.

Are you sure
there'll be room?

You must make room,
Richard.

Why should we
give her a lift?

Pay attention.

I will not
stand to attention.

I don't care
who she thinks she is.

Come along, ladies.
Oh, excuse me.

Would you like to come
around the other side?

I think you know Richard.

How are you, Richard?

How long have you
driven for this woman?

Don't know how
you could stand it.

Are you expecting snow?

Oh.

Richard seldom goes far
without his skis.

He likes to be ready
for the first flakes.

I'm just a beginner.

I can't get
any thinner.

There we are.

I feel the strain is
too much for my suspender.

Oh, perhaps some other time,
Mrs. Bucket.

It's "bouquet."

It's not okay by me.

Hyacinth, I don't think
this is going to work.

Where there's a will,
Richard.

Excuse me.

You must let me call
with the recipe

and a jar of my delicious
gentlemen's relish.

I have an extensive
repertoire of tidbits

for the executive palate.

* like a rhinestone cowboy *

* making out on a horse
at a star-spangled rodeo *

* like a rhinestone cowboy- *

you're in a good mood.
- Why not?

Thank you.

It's been almost like a
holiday. A little holiday.

An entire week
without a bucket.

A bucket?
- The dreaded bucket.

Oh, that one.

Yes, "oh, that one."

It's too good
to last, of course,

but it's been
refreshing.

Which is more than I can say
for this tea.

I know.
Isn't it awful?

Why do we buy it?
- We don't.

The ladies' circle gets
it for us at a discount.

Oh, isn't
that marvelous...

To realize that in the eyes of my flock

I'm associated with
the utmost in economy.

I think they only keep a vicar 'cause
we're cheaper than most domestic animals.

They like you.
- Not judging by this tea, they don't.

We'll just pop in for a minute
to my sister Violet's.

Violence.
I suspected as much.

And then we'll take you
to where you were going.

Oh, we would've
been there by now.

You'll like
my sister Violet.

And he's very well known
in racing circles.

Violet once had tea

with the wife
of the postmaster general.

She still has
the plastic spoon.

Oh.

You silly broad!

Reverse, Richard.

Back out now, Richard.

Wasn't that
your Violet, pouring-?

Take them
to miss pilsworth's

and show them
the beauties of the area.

It's a very, very nice
residential area.

Do enjoy the trip,
miss pilsworths.

And do take note
of the gay colors

of the more up-market
security systems.

That person was
pouring water over-

yes, and did you notice
the lovely glass?

My sister has the most
superior glassware.

Crystal-some of it
most tastefully engraved

with a list
of injured jockeys.

Off you go, Richard...
Now.

And leave them
at a bus stop, dear.

Are we being
kidnapped?

Will she want
a ransom?

Can we afford
a ransom?

Why can't she walk
to the vicarage?

Oh, for goodness sake,

you can give
the woman a lift.

We were going
that way anyway.

Who was?
- I was.

To the library.

I'm just a plaything
in the hands of you females.

Can I have that
in writing?

I'm not a toy, daise.

You've got to stop
thinking of me

as just
a sexual object.

I'm not just here
for your amusement.

Oh, come on, you're here
partially for my amusement.

You can't find everything
in the library.

We need a new car.

You should spend
more time with me.

My engine's
still running.

What's ski things
when my heart is broken?!

Take it!
- Oh.

Please don't
exaggerate, Violet.

Your heart is not broken.

Hearts are seldom broken
in good residential areas.

You want Bruce's ski rack,

take it!

Well, that's very kind
of you, dear.

We'll take
good care of it.

How can you think
of skiing

when my life's
in tatters?

Not tatters, Violet.

Not in an area with a
postal code of this caliber.

I'm leaving him.

I'm leaving bruu-uuu-ce!

Get the rack on,
Richard.

You cannot idly
abandon marriage, Violet.

He prefers horses.

Some things go too deep
to be destroyed, dear.

We all need things
to cling to.

I think he even
prefers jockeys.

Don't do anything
hasty and in anger, dear.

Think of the loneliness,
Violet.

You cannot walk out
on anything

as solid and sober
and respectable

as your own Mercedes.

You must talk
to someone, dear.

I want to talk
to a vicar.

Well, I can
arrange that, dear.

Yes, I'm sure you can
save your marriage, Violet.

Perhaps if you dressed
a little more like a jockey.

Now drive quickly,
Richard.

We must get Violet
to the vicar

before she does
something uneconomic.

Stop!

Now look
what you've done.

You told me
to stop.

I didn't tell you
to throw your birthday present

under a passing car.

Why did you say stop?

You've forgotten Violet.

I-

where-?
She was in the back.

I mean...
She was in the back.

You gather up
your skis, dear,

and I'll go
and locate Violet.

You don't need
those yet.

How come we're
doing all this

and you're
sitting there?

Listen, that's what
marriage is about-

doing things together.

I think he should
start the motor.

That's always been
my impression.

You've got to learn
to do these things.

What are you going to do
when I'm not here?

The same as we've done
when you've been here.

Do it ourselves.

* look at me *

* I'm as helpless
as a kitten... *

I think you're about
to have a visitor.

That's what I'm here for.
- I'm glad you feel like that.

It's a nuisance, of course,
but first things first.

Must have one's priorities.
Duty calls.

You know, my job is not
without its satisfactions.

People come
in dismay and despair

and sometimes
you can help.

This one really needs help.
- Well, I'll certainly do my best.

It's the bucket woman.

Tell her I've gone away... to China.

What part of China?

What the devil does it matter
what part of China?

It'll matter to her. She'll only
be impressed if it's a smart part.

Oh, come on,
Michael.

Okay, I'll come
and see her.

There's a brave chap.

Good luck.

I've changed my mind!

I don't want
to see the vicar!

It won't help!

Come along, Violet.
Pull yourself together.

I don't want to look
like a jockey for him!

The next thing you know

he'll have me
jumping over fences!

I want to divorce him!

You are not
going to divorce him.

Oh, look,
there's a squirrel.

Oh!

Morning, vicar.
- Good morning.

Oh, hello, vicar. I don't think
you've met my sister Violet.

She's the one with the Mercedes,
sauna, and room for a pony.

Wasn't that our Violet?
- Yes.

Wasn't that
our Hyacinth?

Wasn't that-?
- Both: Yes!

Don't you sometimes
wonder at the activities

of the poshier classes?

Lord, that woman's
relentless.

She's still chasing people
to offer them lifts.

Richard,
follow that sister.