Original subtitles

I hate wasting good food just because it's difficult to wrap, don't you?

But that's all over now with Benny's cling peel.

Yes, it wraps anything.

Wraps it and keeps it lovely and fresh no matter what size, no matter what

it is at all.

You see, it not only clings to the container, it also clings to itself.

Yes, it clings just like magic.

Yes, it's the Benny Hill Show.

And here he is, Benny Hill.

There's an English boy in jail in Valencia

who gets a letter from across the field

saying, dear son, this is your father, I think.

With news of the family.

Your mother's gone back on the call round and she comes home as tired as

Oh, stick it, I say, for just one more day or until that poor cart horse gets

well. And your half -cousin Gail is in all the way jail, but at least she'll be

near to her mum.

And your great -auntie Clara stole two ton of cascara and I hear that she's

still on the run.

And the welfare are giving two bottles of Guinness to all 45 -year -old mums.

And then over 50 get two pounds of sugar to help them preserve their plums.

Your ma keeps making me tea cakes from a recipe your auntie lent.

In my mouth they'll melt just like butter.

In me stomach they said like cement.

She keeps on experimenting with different ways she can fill me.

Oh, it's just like playing Russian roulette, cos I never know which meal

kill me.

We all went to the wedding of that stuck -up Miss Reading, but we all behaved

very nice.

And we never let on, she was seven months gone, we just stood there and

puffed rice.

In ten months, she'll have been there a year.

But her old man's no dope, cos he still has hope, and sometimes hope for Sister

Maria. And old Charlie Bright's got a tonne of fluoride, he said, it makes the

water taste grand.

But last Tuesday when he fed his goldfish, one of them bit off his hand.

Well, goodbye, my son, now don't worry about us, though Lord knows where we'd

have been without that half a million for thee.

Thank you very much indeed.

Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen.

Jolly nice to be with you once again. Lots to feel us. I'm very pleased to say

we'll be back with us a little bit later on. And for now, here is something of

special interest to all lovers and indoor sports.

And here, ladies and gentlemen, at the Artwee Hall, the new wonder snooker

player, Hurricane Hill, is challenging the holder for his championship trophy.

is once again a legal winner.

He has been congratulated by his lovely wife.

I'm going to do this again. I'm going to do that.

So

beautiful.

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

The telephone, my lord.

England on the telephone?

Yes. Oh, we forgot.

bless you also.

Oh, I'm a good man, and very religious.

I have been dealing in the past with communicating with Mr.

Little. He is the one with the short hampton.

Is it Mr.

Hampton with the short little branch?

Is it Mr. Hampton with the little short branch?

Am I spitting?

Mr. Powell.

Powell.

It's Tisha here. Tisha, yeah. We met at the Hampshire Trade Fair in some tum

-tum -tum.

Yeah, I remember you told me you were exporter. I thought you meant you used

work on the railway.

We met your wife and daughter at the party at your house.

Yeah, I wouldn't say that.

Oh, that cows.

Yeah.

Only 15. She is a big girl for 15.

and she is big. Oh, she is big?

It must cost a fortune to feed her.

My son, 16, yeah.

Yeah, well, that was the first time he had drunk British beer, yeah.

It was unfortunate.

Is her leg better?

I'm so glad, yeah. He told me how much he admired your gold, your pink bathroom

with a gold -plated toilet, yeah.

You don't have a pink bathroom or a gold -plated toilet.

You do have a pink spare room where you keep your euphonium.

I didn't know you played not anymore, you don't know.

You are a little rusty. It's a little rusty. Well, it would be, I suppose.

I am interested in seeing some of your ladies ready to wear clothes.

They are getting a little behind in their hot pants.

And you are looking into their see -through blouses.

That's interesting. But what about the slacks? I'll tell you what about the

slacks. With your slacks, Mr. Bauer, they are not.

When I see a German girl walking out of here with a pair of British slacks, it

looks like two little boys fighting on a leather blanket.

And not so little either. And what about the Bussenhalter?

The Bussenhalter.

The halter for the Bussenhalter.

Not 288. They were too gross. They were too big.

All 44s.

They were hard to sell them, yeah.

But nature had forgotten we had to stuff with cotton.

Oh, your designer made a slip.

Well, he should send some slips over, not slips you can wear.

I might have known it. What you really mean is your designer occasionally makes

bloomers, also that you cannot wear.

I might have known it, Mr. Bowles. Don't take the smoochies out of me, Mr.

Bowles. We also have jokes about the British workers. Yeah, we do.

A British workman the other day had an accident. He fell off his shovel.

And compensation set in.

What did they put on the bottom of the British beer bottle?

Open other end.

Yeah, what did they put on the top of the British ladder?

Stop.

So don't take the smoochies out of me, Mr. Bauer. And also, the laziness of

Schumachen is legendary.

The Schumachen. The Schumachen, Mr. Bauer. Die Schumachen.

He hung up.

That is the trouble with these British.

They are so touchy.

it up for you.

Pull your hands up.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You were going in to see the... No, I'm going up the ocean.

Oh, no, you don't want to miss that. You've got a lot to go in it.

Sit in there. You can't miss it. Good. Very, very good. I've seen it several

times. You'll enjoy it.

as usual, Eddie.

Double boober on the rocks coming up.

Cheers, Eddie.

That's just quite a kick.

Mastine, been around?

Well, sure, Eddie.

Say, that girl's just crazy about you, Eddie. I wish I had a girl like that

crazy for me.

Well, boy, either you got it or you...

Great. You didn't forget me, then.

How could I forget a guy like you?

Oh, I've thought about you so many times.

The way you hold your head on one side when you look at me.

The way you know you should have crinkled up when you smile.

The way you hold up your ear when you sing.

You didn't forget me, did you, Eddie?

What do you think?

Here.

Build something I got for you in Mexico. to go to Sydney.

Eddie, who's she?

A love I once knew. A flame that all but died.

A bittersweet memory that still lights up a lonely heart.

But it's over now. Now there's only you.

Lola, you're cool. You're intelligent. You're sophisticated.

You're a real class.

Welcome the delightful...

You just turn away or tell me to go out and play.

How did I get into this world?

My mummy says I'm big and strong.

Not like all the stupid boys who grow their hair too long.

And if one day I join the police, I won't give that lot any...

I'm big and strong.

Where did my brother put his gun?

I want to play at soldiers shooting people on the run.

Last window.

Lucky you had that bandage on.

Oh. Yes, my darling?

I'm doing the washing up. Would you give me a hand?

Certainly.

Ah.

I see you entering the Red Lion public house.

I see you meeting a beautiful, lascivious, gorgeous...

But I did that yesterday.

Now these things stop again.

I don't think stripes suit my wife.

Then why don't you stop whipping her?

That's funny.

That's a funny joke.

If I made love to you, would you yell?

What do you want me to yell?

putting out on the stove?

Certainly.

He's my son.

And he's not a jubilant delinquent.

I mean, I know he dresses a little bit peculiar sometimes, but then a lot of

people dress peculiar. I mean, that doesn't mean to say that our cycle path

anything in the police should leave him alone.

I mean, I mean, just because people dress a little bit peculiar, I dress a

peculiar myself sometimes.

your supper? No.

I'm making some fish cakes.

Oh, for real, you're making fish cakes? Isn't nice.

I just put the marzipan on now.

Is it true that when you say no, you

really mean yes?

No.

Sacred glue.

Capitano, are you still engaged to that Lola?

Not anymore.

You get rid of

Night snacks again?

Perhaps no washing up job.

Not really.

You see, I use sun -bright lemon liquid.

Sun -bright?

Yes, sun -bright.

Makes everything so lovely and clean.

Clean? Yes. It contains lemon juice.

Lemon juice?

Yes, lemon juice. That's what gives it its nice sparkle.

Sparkle? Yes, sparkle. Makes everything come up lovely and fresh.

Fresh? Yes, fresh. Are you bloody stupid or something?

Thank you.

La vida tiene otro sabor y España es la mejor.

En las tardes soleadas de corrida, la gente aplaude al

diestro con fervor. Y el saludo paseando a su cuadrilla con ese garbo

de hidalgo español.

La plaza con sus soles vibra al día y empieza nuestra fiesta nacional.

Que bonito es el mar Mediterráneo, su costa baraba y su costa del sol.

La zarabana y el pandango me emocionan, porque en sus notas hay vida y hay

calor.

España siempre ha sido y será, eterno paraíso sin igual.

Por eso siempre escuchan a...

Answer your questions tonight. The Minister of Food, Humphrey Bumfrey.

Good. Our first caller is on line one.

Good evening.

You are Mr Hector Chester from West Leicester? No.

I am Mr Lester Wester from West Chester. Get it right, mate.

Your question is...

to you, Mr. Buffley. Where am I?

You see, I was at the recent World Food Conference, Mr.

Kidney, with the Prime Minister.

Kennedy, Mr.

Kennedy. No, Heath.

You're talking about Teddy Kennedy. He's a Yankee chap, you know. This is Teddy

Heath, you know. I ought to know, Mr. Kidney. I was there at his private

Ludo. The name's Ludo.

I was there with Teddy. We were having a bit of fun. We were in the all

together. In the all together?

In the banqueting all together.

We, we, we, we, we all the way home.

No.

I don't think we did, no.

No, you see, we were stood up there. You see, we were waiting for the toast to

arrive.

Special for her to eat, you see.

The Queen.

Oh, you can't eat the Queen, dear boy.

Well, you just said something special for her to eat. Something special for

to eat.

Do listen. There's a good chap, isn't there? Good. You see, we have a special

guest of honour there, you see. Oh, great name for her.

Foreign chap.

Name's on the tip of me.

Tip of me.

It's not on the tip of me.

Yes, yes, I'm sure it was Mousy Tongue. I'm sure it was. My name is... Terry

Lean.

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday. Humphrey Bumfrey,

yes, yes.

No, he wasn't Humphrey Bumfrey. No, he was Mousy Tongue. He'd just gone into

kitchen, you see, to see Mrs.

Ramsbottom. And when he'd seen it, he came out.

A tree of ag and fish.

She had been watching him take a bath. A bun.

She was asking him about the yeast.

The yeast in the bun.

No, the yeast in the yeast. The far east. Sorry,

I find you difficult to follow.

without moving your mouth.

How remarkable.

But, you know, he's foreign as at least anything, you know. The insides of the

animals, the intestine, all the gut... That's right.

It's perfectly true.

It's awful. Bloody dreadful.

I was out there, you know, and I had this native bearer. And then the others

was, he was running and making walking about, you know.

And... He looked so untidy. I'll never forget that.

You see, I love it when he sat down, sat him like a round of applause.

And his sister, she said to me once, she said, kiss me, Big Boana.

So I kissed her, Big Boana.

The thing is, what I was going to say out there, you see, I remember talking

food, saying to him, you know, I said, can we afford starters?

And he said, only if we can pee soup.

Only if we can pee soup.

Made from African peas.

Made from African peas soup. Yes, do listen.

I said to him, I said, yes, I said, I have a plate of soup. I said, I said,

oxtail, it barely covered the bottom.

He said, that's all an oxtail's supposed to do.

That Ruge, that Ruge, his whole family about Ruge and I said, I don't like your

mother -in -law. He said, well, just eat the chips.

Anyway, you see, eventually we had a who's -do -well.

Whose dovers? I don't know whose dovers they were.

They were like black, you know. They were like prunes. Like prunes they were.

I expect they were olives. I thought they were olives for the moment.

But you see, in this country, you know, it's false. You see, in the old days,

when I was a lad, we had to eat up every bean and pea in the plate.

We weren't allowed to leave the table till we'd done it.

But, you see, nowadays the housewife is spoilt, you know. She spends half her

time in the convenience food department, you know. All she wants is to get her

hands on a puff pastry packet.

Or the Loppet and Ice Cream, or one of Mr Kipling's little puddings.

Oh, something, you know. But it can't go on, because prices are going up, you

know. Eggs are going up and milk's going up. Poor old cow doesn't know where she

is.

I'm talking to the wife.

You know, I've got my... Get a little fruit and vegetable garden. Grow your

you know. Take prunes, do you?

You look like you ought to, you know.

They're not just for working people.

They're for everybody.

And the thing is, take carrots, you see. They're good for the eyesight, you

know. Really?

Did you ever see a rabbit with glasses?

And oysters, you see, you don't want to worry about oysters. They're too

expensive, you know. I had, the wife and I, we had a dozen last night, and one

didn't work.

And that was mine, damn it.

And you see, I mean, there's plenty of other different fish. I mean, had a, had

a, had a... Phillips.

Had occurred to me that, you see, a soul is a nice fish, you know, soul.

Soul. Soul.

Ah.

Because, you see, the honeymoon can't go on forever, can it? I mean, when you're

first married, you know, I mean, you've only got to look at the wife and she

makes your peanut brittle.

But, you see, after a while, the dumplings go all flabby.

And your appetite goes, it's the same for her, you know. I mean, you've got to

perk it up a little bit. Come on, bring a bottle of Beaujolais wine home for

her. Thin her onions out for her. She'll love you for it. Go into the kitchen,

creep up behind her and very gently lift off her camisole. Casserole!

You may only fancy a quick feel and ham pie.

On the other hand, she may be anticipating a goose.

She may want stuffing.

I mean, she may only want a bit of potato pie.

Whatever she wants, there's only one answer. Give her one!

That's the only way, you know. Tell her to be thankful for small Murphys.

Your answer to Mr.

Weston is?

I would say tonight I should go home to my little white -haired wife.

We're sitting in front of the fire with a little bowl of soup and a little bit

of dried bread and eating it, knowing in our hearts that the rest of the nation

are tightening their belts into the same manner. I don't think it's a wonderful

thought. Does that answer your question?

No. Well, good night.

Are we off the air?

Yes. Oh, thank God. Come on, darling. There they are.

Where's the other one?

Oh,

saucy, saucy thing.

Let's have a little.

Oh, God, I needed that. I needed that.

Have a drink, tiddlywink. No, thank you. No, you fancy a bit of crumpet?

I want something. It's me birthday.

Well, how old are you? Twenty -seven.

Thank you. Bless you. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid that's all we've

for, but we look forward to seeing you all again very, very soon. Until then,

bye -bye.