Original subtitles

We're having beans for tea today, but there are so many kinds, I keep on

all the time that our beans will... Bottoms?

Bums?

Behind!

Our beans will be fine.

That's the slogan.

Little perishes like you!

I

didn't

know they were going to... I didn't know they were going to throw me.

Yes,

very no, sir.

And here with the lovely Lee Gibson is Benny Hill.

What's more, I'll tell you this.

It's drink that makes you fiery.

And it's drink that makes you miserable.

Mervyn Cruddy, you are an investigator and expose writer for a well -known

newspaper. Yes, the one that speaks up, faces facts, and names names.

Which one's that? I'd rather not say.

Could you remind us of some of your more successful disclosures? Of course, I

done, uh... You are a rat, Fred Fosdyke.

Go out and get a job and stop sponging on your brother -in -law.

Yes. Who is Fred Fosdyke? He's my wife's brother.

He's five years yet. He won't get a job at all or anything. Spongery years.

Then I done, wake up, you lazy dustman. Go and start emptying people's bins.

I bet they emptied your bin that week. I did, yes.

Right over my head.

And then I exposed an unscrupulous lorry driver for parking his van outside my

house all night.

These disclosures seem rather personal. Are they required to be in the public

interest? Well, what about when I tell about London's underground, the

of London's underground?

You mean the underground prison? No, you know very well what I mean. Piccadilly

Circus. I tell you, alongside the escalator there, there are no fewer than

different... illustrated advertisements for ladies' corsets, braziers and non

-lingery.

I mean, pictures like that could turn a young boy's head.

But surely if the escalator goes so quickly, one could only see these photos

a few seconds. I disagree.

If you go down the one that's coming up, or up the one that's going down, you

can see these disgraceful advertisements for quite a long time.

Makes you unpopular with the other passengers, but it can be done.

I'm sure. I've heard of it being done several times, yes.

I mean, pictures like that, I mean, could, you know, turn a boy's head. He

end up on Mariana.

Who? Not who, what.

Mariana. You know what I mean. Reavers.

Cannabis. You know what I mean.

On the potty.

I mean, before a boy knows where he is, he's a smoked addict.

A smoked addict.

So you really must protest on behalf of Thames Television. Well, you're not half

of Thames Television, are you?

So shut up.

For a change. And they want to watch out as well, because I've already prepared

a dozier on them.

Yes, I have seen behind Eamon Andrews.

And his faith aid of respectability.

Vice ring exposed at Teddington.

I little realised as I entered the portholes of Thames Television of the

degradation and vice I was to uncover.

My suspicions was aroused in the foyer when I seen their coat of arms upon the

wall, a skull and crossbones.

I was later assured this was a picture of David Nixon in a sleeveless shirt.

But I wasn't buying that.

A jackbooted commissionaire, leered as a nervous young girl, scantily

clad with blonde hair and heavily massacred eyeballs.

Massacred eye shadow.

Walked past.

Opportunity knocks, he leered. And for what, I wondered.

Three painted ladies were sitting on chaise's longers.

A youth approached them. He was short and ginger, with blonde hair.

I could tell by the way he walked he was a homo sapien.

He assured me that he was a call boy.

And with these I wondered call girls.

I was quickly answered.

He said to them, the producer wants all three of you on the floor in three

minutes.

One of those girls admitted to me to being the mother of three illiterate

children.

And the father of whom?

who was a Lithuanian bottle importer.

She also admitted having in her possession phonographic material.

And yes, there's a lot that ITV has to answer for.

I find this all very hard to believe.

So you think it's a pigment of my imagination, do you?

Well, then answer me this. Why is it Huey Green never appears on the BBC?

tell you cause why.

Because after every opportunity knocked, he's locked away in a room on the

fourth floor next to the ticket allocation unit where nobody will find

And not let out to the next show. That's cause why.

So read me next week and I will reveal all.

I shall tell you why Harry Seacombe dare not go back to his native Scotland.

Why Reg Barney refuses to acknowledge his brother Manto.

certain member of the Ronnie Aldridge Orchestra changed his facts.

Just how many of the black and white minstrels are illegal immigrants.

And the truth about Malcolm Muggeridge and Kathy Kirby.

I'm sorry. I didn't know she was going to do that. You know I'm not supposed to

do anything like that with my trouble.

From the rubber yacht of Jaime Cohen.

The Israeli pork butcher.

In Israel, Ruby Cohen said

all my family thinks about... is going to functions with VIPs and heads of

state. He's so busy with the social scene that he's ages since he's been

attacking a husband's rights of late.

Her friend said, get yourself a bra in black.

Be wearing it in bed when he gets back from some official's party or general's

mess. But make sure you get him going.

Slip one half off so you are showing a goodly portion of the charms that you

possess.

That night in bed at half past one, with her brassiere half on, she sat up as

through the doorway came her Sam.

He took one look at half a bra and said, what a pal you are. You've just

reminded me to phone a Moishe Diane.

They said that it could not be done.

He said, just let me try. They said other men have tried and failed and he

answered, but not I. They said it is impossible.

He said there is no such word. He closed his mind. He closed his heart to

everything he heard. He said within the heart of man there is a tiny seed. It

grows until it blossoms. It's called the will to succeed.

Its roots are strength.

Its stem is hope.

Its petals inspiration.

Its thorns protect.

Its strong green leaves its grim determination.

Its stamens are its skills which help to shape each.

for there's nothing in the universe beyond the scope of man.

They thought that it could not be done.

Some even said they knew it. But he faced up to what could not be done.

And he couldn't bloody do it!

The pranky has been raided and the bandage got away.

Say what identity?

A lady's feeling jaded and she wants someone who's gay.

Say what identity?

has been raided and the bandits got away.

Send hard a deputy.

A lady's feeling jaded and she wants someone who's gay.

Imagine me and you, I do, I think about you day and night, it's only right

to think about the one you love, and hold them tight, so happy together.

I should call you up, invest a dime, and you say you belong to me, and ease

my mind, imagine how the world would be, so verified.

So happy together.

I can't see me loving nobody but you for all my

life.

When you're with me, baby, the skies will be blue for all my

life.

Me and you, and you and me, no matter how they toss the dice.

It had to be. The only one for me is you.

And you for me. So happy together.

They tossed and diced It had to be The only one for me is you And you for me

So happy together

I got three kids.

I got one of each. I got a boy.

I got a girl.

And Lovelace.

17 years of age, lays around the house all day playing with his beads.

I said to the wife, look, the two little kids are fine. And my kids, I love none

of my kids.

But Lovelace, Miriam.

Miriam!

Tell me he's not my son.

She said, I'll tell you the truth. He is the other.

with the boy, talk to him man to man. How can you talk man to man with a guy

with his earrings?

He's got sideboards behind the ears.

Please, on his bed all day long, singing work songs.

He calls me a hypocrite.

I tell you, he comes to me the other day, he says, Papa, I'm going to a

for the rejection of personal acquisitions. I say, what are you

He says, can I have the car?

He calls me a hypocrite. I tell you something.

He goes to peace rallies with a brick in his pocket.

He goes into Mrs. Schultz's delicatessen, punches Mrs.

Beckenbauer's brother Herman in the face, kicks Officer Hess in the locus,

Mrs.

Hackenschmidt's cousins, quits, and adults into the hospital.

When I was his age, I was fighting Germans.

Helen is 14, cries herself to sleep every night. A muggly, a muggly, a

I'm going to be an old maid. I'm ugly, I'm ugly.

She's young. She needs reassuring. I tell her, you're no uglier than your

mother.

Nobody is.

She says, look what she got.

She uses gentle soap. There's a commercial on television. There's a girl

in a bath with a piece of soap and she's saying, be gentle with me.

Be gentle with me.

Can you imagine a 300 -pound truck driver coming home from the saloon, gets

taken short, runs indoors, rushes upstairs, the bathroom door is locked,

in there.

He says, well, you got a fella in there? She says, no, I'm talking to the soap.

Oh, God!

There's another one they got in there.

She's beautiful, she's engaged, and she uses ponds.

So does a duck.

I tell you, then they got the squirters, you know, the underarm squirters.

Are you underarm safe?

Are you safe under your arm?

Let me tell you something. The people of America are safe under their arms.

On the street, forget it.

But under their arms, they're safe.

I'll tell you something. The only underarm protection any good in America

is a .45 and a shoulder holster.

I was on the subway the other day. A young kid comes up to me, 15 years of

He said, mister, do you see a cop anywhere?

I said, no. He said, stick him up.

I said, stick what up where? He said, don't confuse me. I'm new to the game.

What are you going to do? I'll tell you. My wife... Miriam, in her 10 -pound

thinner girdle, has 42 -inch hips and a 52 -inch neck.

That meat's got to go someplace.

Tell you something, when she takes off the girdle, she looks like a golf ball.

She wears mud packs. It's like sleeping next to a swamp.

The kisser last week thought she was a mole.

How can I get rid of 25 pounds of ugly fat? I says, cut your head off.

She says to me, Harry, you'll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in two

minutes.

I nearly killed her.

1953, two weeks after we'd been married, I nearly killed her.

Uncle Louie talked me out of it. He said, don't do it, son.

He said, you've got 20 years. Don't do it.

I nearly killed her.

I wasn't going to kill her.

I wouldn't have had this house, or Lovelace, or the kids, or Miriam.

I nearly killed her.

But what really hurts is that I'd be coming out now.

1938.

And got out of bed.

Went to the bathroom.

That was at 8 o 'clock.

Phone went.

And it was General DeGore.

And he said to me.

Of course, because English was never that good.

He said to me, would you arrange for me to have a

meeting with British intelligence? Otherwise,

you're going to have a very nasty situation.

Otherwise, what do you have?

Just a minute, sir.

Red, it wasn't me.

Fairly liquid.

I wish I could afford to use that.

You can.

Using fairly liquid...

You're Tony Blackburn.

That's right.

Would you sign me?

Just for my little girl. Oh, very well, then. Just there.

All right.

Well,

I did get Charlotte Rampling, didn't I?

I'm sorry. I've never worked with a star before.

You never bloody well will again, either.

let us drink to old Vienna.

And drink.

You bloody, bloody devil.

What are you talking?

What? Stuff down your shirt front.

I said get John Anson.

It wasn't my fault. Hey, bloody...

That's all right.

Oh, fairly liquid. Yes. I wish I could afford to use that.

You can.

Using fairly liquid can work out cheaper. It's been proved.

Oh, really?

Yes. Hey, aren't you Tony Blackbum?

That's right.

Oh, would you sign it for my little girl?

Certainly.

Hold it! Hold it!

I'm sorry, I didn't know she was... I didn't know the top was going to come

I'm sorry.

Who do you have to sleep with to get off this show?

If you hang on a minute, I'll tell you.

Yes, it's a man's life in the British Army today.

You the girl with the shining hair.

I call you the girl with the shining hair.

The wind blows your hair into a banner of gold.

I wonder what you're really like, girl with the shining hair.

Oh, no, you're not.

I've got my fairly liquid to keep away all the nasty things that make all my

hands lovely and soft. They make your hands soft and they're bubbles, don't

they, Mummy? They're bubbles.

Bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble.

They make them nice and soft.

Bubbles, they make your hands soft. They're lovely and soft.

Get out of here.

The runaway train come down the track and she blew.

The runaway train come down the track and she blew.

The runaway train come down the track, the throttle wild and the whistle back

and she blew.

Blew. Blew.

Blew. Blew.

Ah, thank you.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Please, a little quiet.

Russell, while I'm talking.

And think of patient.

Brought to you by the Dalton Abbott Railway Choir, who starts off with a

full of salad, a soul full of ballot.

It's called Whittlecombe Fair.

Probably known to you better as Uncle Tom's Cobblers.

Could I have an archipelago, please?

That's a good one.

Tom Pierce, Tom Pierce, lend me thy grey mare.

so it'll compare with... Bill Brewer, Jan Stewart, Peter Gurney, Bill Bailey,

Daniel Wooden, Harry Orr, Ted Crumple, Dennis Kirkland, Chris Anderson, Philip

Jones, Jack Garvis, Bob Stewart, Tim Barrett, David Bridger, Richard Stone,

Noyce... You've got the Judy roster there, you...

It was real cruel.

And now all tea time.

As we bring you a potpourri.

It's potpourri.

A potpourri.

Right. Thank you.

You've been a little shandy again, haven't you?

You've been a little shandy tonight.

However... It is a potpourri.

Anybody want to argue about that?

Very well, and we present our own, our own Donny Osmond, little Jackie Wright,

who gives you, he steps up to the microphone

to pose that eternal question, baby lover.

understand. You make me strong with your helping hand. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Make me love her.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

I love you so.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I would have died without her all.

Now that you're mine, my happiness shows.

Ladies and gentlemen. They know what they are.

If they don't, it'll end up with you to tell them. Go on.

We have a treat in store for you.

We have a treat in store for you.

And indeed.

And indeed.

For all of us. For all of us. As well. To.

You could have said also.

Right, here. Here to give us a solo.

Air. Air to give us a solo.

He's our worthy.

He's our worthy.

And respected.

And respected.

Respected.

Station master.

Station master.

Take crumble.

Take crumble.

Well, that's the prize I must take.

And ever since I've been called upon, I should do my best like I always have

done. Can I have that, my dear?

Well, she can have the top off my egg any time.

And I should give you a new number. It's in the modern idiot, and it goes

something, but only something like this.

Now, Lucy came from London to work for Farmer Pugh.

She said, I'm very willing. What would you like me to do?

He said, make some potatoes.

I'll need a pet a stone.

And will you get King Edward? She said, let him get his own. Oh, yeah.

Put him in a pot. Pop him in the oven.

mini skirt and farmer both stood underneath in case she should get hurt

up here it's gorgeous there's a lovely view my dear he said it ain't as lovely

as the view i got down here

she

picked a nice sweet william to nibble with her lunch and then her blouse got

caught up on the overhanging branch Suddenly it tore up as she slithered

the tree. She said, I've got a lovely pair, he said, you're telling me.

She fell and knocked the farmer

down, sat there on his face. She shouted out, where are you, as she looked

around the place. She looked down and said, why didn't you say something,

bull? He said, because it's rude to speak when your mouth is full.

We'll be right back.

real soon until then we continue with the slow march of the railway board here

we go

The Age of Aquarius The Age of Aquarius