Original subtitles

Hello, you gorgeous creature.

My, you're looking attractive today.

Thank you, darling.

I love you. My own sweet, precious, wonderful person.

Oh, darling, thank you. Thank you again.

I want to hold you in my arms and rain kisses on you until the dawn.

Oh, darling, thank you.

Well,

I do like you half so much. I like kissing you because it's nice.

I want to kiss you and love you and hold you in my arms all night and rain

kisses over your lovely naked body until the dawn.

Hello, George.

How's the wife and kids?

It's the Benny Hill Show, and here is Benny Hill.

La -da -dee, la -da -dee, la -da -dee, la -da -dee. My

lovely Auntie Lil took our bus Inspector Bill into her bedroom and with great

annoyance said, Outside our house you put a stop and all the passengers on top

can look in and see my husband and me in bed.

He said, you're joking. She said, you'll see. Just lay down on the bed with me.

So he laid down with her to avoid more fuss.

Her old man came in and saw him, but Bill kept his decorum. He said, it's all

right. I'm just waiting for a bus.

The early morning mist, the first time we got kissed outside the churchyard.

Some words of wisdom spoken by a lady whose face was old and blind.

La -da -dee, la -da -dee, la -da -dee.

The swiftly fading memory of a song that we used to sing as children.

These are the things you'll find among the ashes of the duffins of your... La

-da -da -da -dee, la -da -da -dee, la -da -da -dee, la -da -da -dee.

Unannouncing by the sea to old men that near to leave lift their boots off for a

paddle by the pier.

One of them said, you rotten swine, your feet are dirtier than mine. He said, of

course they are, I didn't come last year.

Well, he was by the sand, the boy was holding in his hands a cornet he bought

from the cafeteria.

He dropped it down the lady's neck and she hollered, bloomin' heck, that

must have flown straight from Siberia.

The early morning mist, the first time that we kissed outside the churchyard.

Some words of wisdom spoken by a gentleman whose face was old and blind.

-dee, la -da -dee, la -da -dee. The swiftly fading memory of a song that he

to sing as children.

These are the things you'll find among the ashes of the dust in the air. La -da

-dee, la -da -dee.

As Charlie passed away, his young wife heard him say, I've been unfaithful to

you many times, my dear.

She said, oh, darling, never mind. In fact, I knew it all the time.

That's why I put that arsenic in your beer.

It was the one outside our gent. It was opened up officially last year.

And it was christened by Lord Ray and people came from miles away because

heard tell that he was a liberal beer.

morning mist, the first time that we kissed outside the churchyard.

Some words of wisdom spoken by a gentleman whose faith was overblown.

The swiftly fading memory of a song that we used to sing as children.

These are the things you'll find in my office at the customs of your mind.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's very nice to be with you all once again, and very

nice indeed to be able to welcome to the show my old friend, Hugh Paddock.

Good evening and welcome.

An army march is always stubborn, true or false.

Let's try and find out the answer to that one as we greet my first guest, on

leave from North Africa, Colonel Eatwell of the Royal...

Army catering corps.

Eat well by name, eat well by nature.

Are the lads going to get the same slap -up Christmas dinner that they had last

year? Well, you see, last year my cook was Captain Kemp.

An officer?

A corporal.

Captain Kemp was a corporal? No, the corporal was Captain Kemp.

Oh, Captain Kemp. Yes, do listen. There's a good captain. You're going to

over the place.

And you...

You see, this fellow said... Sydney.

George. George. George said... To me, he said... Sir, he said... We, we,

we, we always have... He said, sir, we're going to need a lot of pepper.

Oh, ground pepper, tea and pepper, black pepper. I think pepper.

You see, fortunately, we have...

Rather nice Arab girl. She used to help out in the kitchen. She was awfully

handy, what she had to be, because the corporal used to bite her thighs and

dumplings.

We all used to bite her thighs and dumplings.

You used to bite her thighs and dumplings? Sometimes it was more than a

and dumplings.

She was a lovely little girl.

But the dinner, though, was it a success?

Yeah, howling success in more ways than one, you see. We did invite it along

these high, high, high, high, high, oh, yes, wonderful times.

These Highland chappies, you see, and when they had the dumpling, they said it

was pudding.

Christmas pudding. Pudding them off their food.

What was?

The paper.

Oh, the K and the ground, white, black pepper.

The bag paper.

And then all the helpers.

After the party, Jesus, he said.

Where's all those lovely, tasty cheeses?

You know,

I thought it was rather witty. I say, I come and bear the food, brother.

Oh, so he had stopped his gentleman, you see.

And then the major got up. He said, where's all those nice tarts?

And this Arab girl came in with a bucket and went up to the corporal and said, a

pound of fillet. He said, a pound you bloody don't.

I said, the sauce is odd.

I said, this sauce is odd.

And I said, is it okay? And he said, if it's okay with me, you've got to

remember Tubby Turner.

Yes. What kind of men are the catering corps? Well, you see, they're short

arse.

But they're awkward arse. And sometimes they have to work to the early arse.

So, you see, they... I don't mind waiting. I don't know how.

They therefore have to be very adaptable.

But they're not combatants. They're very combatants.

No, no, no.

Not combatants. Oh, well, speak up, because I can't hear what you're saying.

Are they entitled to bear arms?

Oh, yes. Bear legs, bear anything they like.

Only in the wrong time, of course. Are they ever called upon to kill? Yes,

indeed. Have you ever killed? Well, I've been pretty close to it once. I

remember... I was with a bunch of officers, and we'd been on the wine for

a bit, you know. Red wine.

White wine. The river wine.

We saw these tin cherries, you see. Oh, tasty.

Who? The tin cherries. I'm talking about tin cherries, you see.

I don't know if I've got a handle for their name, you know.

of them lying by a fat wench, you see. A German girl. Who? The fat wench. No, I

said they were lying by that wench.

And they all spotted me except one little officer.

And they all, of course, went off, you know.

I had him to my side. I was going to shoot and I thought, I don't know. I saw

that look on his face, that lovely warm smile on his face underneath that little

Charlie Chaplin moustache.

There's lovely warm human eyes under that shock of black hair.

And I thought to myself, no, I couldn't do it.

I couldn't. I said, go on now.

Blow off with thee, I said.

Well, I didn't say that, but I said so.

I don't want to, because you're sending here.

Off he went.

Come and see here, Adolf, said his comrades.

And I'm glad I didn't kill him, because it wouldn't have made any difference to

the war, would it? Well,

thank you very, very much.

Well, eat well.

Whether my next guest will ever...

Thank you.

Whether my next guest will ever get into the Guinness Book of Records is a

matter of conjecture. Thank you. For Mrs Smiley claims to have watched every ITV

programme since its inception in 1955.

I mean, I've enjoyed every minute of it. It's been wonderful, wonderful.

Good. Now, what is your current favourite show, Mrs Smiley?

Comedians?

Do you watch the comedians?

That is the show where all these men tell these far -fetched stories.

And the viewers laugh at them.

Is that party political broadcast?

No.

I'm going to have to see a programme over and over again before it sinks in.

not very bright, you see. I see it over and over a lot. Do you think the ITV

present a well -balanced schedule? I think they're marvellous, I do. I mean,

honestly, sometimes you get drama and romance right at the same time you do.

It's wonderful. What about an example?

Well, what about that boy, the risks that boy takes to get that box of

chocolates to that girl?

And when he gets there, what does he do? He puts the chocolates by her bedside

and walks away.

A lot of men would have woke her up and give her one.

My husband would, I'll tell you.

But I mean, this boy, perhaps he puts them there because he knows that he can

perhaps come back tomorrow and give her two or three.

Oh, I think it's wonderful. And the medical scientific ones they get on are

marvellous. I like those.

Oh, I do. They show you how to mend a split hair.

How about that, eh? Haven't we progressed?

I mean, it's only not long ago they invented the steam engine and now they

mend a split hair.

Marvellous, isn't it?

And they tell you how to kill 99 % of all household germs.

Dead!

I don't suppose you could kill them any other way, really.

And they tell you how to get rid of B -O.

That means body odor, do you know that? Yes, I did know that. I only just found

out, because I always thought it meant body didn't. And then there's all the

deodorants, aren't they marvellous? The deodorants, well, they've got

specialised ones now, you know, for all different parts.

I mean, you can squirt them under the arms, under the feet, and under the

circumstances.

That's all I do, really.

Lovely. You mentioned a little while ago, you mentioned your husband. What

of shows does your husband watch? Well, I'll tell you one he likes best, and

that is the one where that nice lady is sort of in the wood near a castle and

she's eating a bar of chocolate flake.

He likes that one.

You see, it makes him feel all romantic.

I don't think why.

Like those other ones where those girls roll about in the water, don't they?

Sometimes like in the jungle when they, you know, they roll in the water.

And then by the seashore, a girl rolls about and she always leaves a cigar

nearby.

And she's like, don't want to get it wet, you see.

It's not nice when it's all wet.

Like that other one where all the girls follow that man because he's got this

pipe, you see.

And then he's got a thing, doesn't he, with a bald head.

And he goes like that, and his friend gives him one, doesn't he?

Well, then he thinks he might take up the pipe again.

And he doesn't want to go up in them parachutes, you see.

Do you think perhaps that there's too much sex on television?

Well, yeah, they get a bit saucy sometimes, don't they?

Well, yeah, what about that bank manager in the wardrobe?

I mean, you know, he ain't come to inquire about her overdraft, has he?

And how about that little milkman?

I mean, you know what they say about little men.

You'll notice he always comes round when her husband's out.

The only time he ever met her husband, what did he do? Told him to run...

Miltman is really Sandra's father.

Oh, I said, wash your mouth out with nice castle and water, I said.

Is there anything that you don't like on television? Well, I think some of these

occult things, you know, the supernatural, it frightens me, you know.

Yes. I mean, you know the one I mean, don't you? I mean, that one about extra

sexual perception.

Extra sensory perception.

As well, yes.

I mean those two men you know the two I mean don't you I mean they manifest

themselves sometimes as policemen and sometimes as

policemen but they know without making any inquiry whatsoever that that girl is

wearing a hairspray not only that they know what hairspray it is

and not only that she knows that they know.

Ooh, that delving into other people's minds like that thing shivers down my

spine.

Mrs. Spine, did you watch any other programmes on the other side? I mean, do

watch anything like Panorama?

Pamanama? Is that like the bar with the nuts on the outside? No, no, no. Because

I never watch commercials, you see.

When the commercials come on, I go straight out the back. Well, thank you.

Always do. Thank you very much. It's been a pleasure.

Have you got a lather yet?

Star of such films as Man of Steel, Boss Man and Ramrod. Yes, you guessed it. It

could only be Hollywood's latest superstar, Butch Cafferty.

Don't stop that music. That's my favorite song. You know why?

Because it paid my bills.

Hey, remember Tequila Trail?

Remember Tequila Trail?

A wonderful picture, that.

It's not tequila, by the way. That's just plain ordinary water.

Butch.

This is your first trip to London. This is my first trip. Oh, yeah.

Forget about it. Forget about it.

That's nice material there.

This is my first trip to London. I want you to know that as far as I'm

concerned, London is the most exciting, the most interesting city in the whole

of England.

I mean, that's a wonderful place. But your language.

Oh, my God, your language.

Well, I tell you, I was at London Airport.

And this character stood there, and I said, would you help me with my bag? He

said, sir, I can't help you with your bag. I said, your bag, sir? He said,

because I'm a clerk.

I said, Gary, why? He said, I'm a clerk. I said, okay, sir, you're a clerk. You

go tick -tock, tick -tock.

I said, there's no course for alarm.

God, he laughed.

He had to out of something to the end.

Butch, now, you've just returned from Italy, where you've been making one of

these Italian westerns. Oh, wait, what's up? Food in Italy. Oh, my God. I'm in a

restaurant there one night with this boy.

Oh, man, you know, a fellow actor, a very virile sort of man.

I was saying to him, and I said, I said, wow, I say, if I have any more

spaghetti and I burp, I'm going to lasso a waiter.

I don't know where that was.

Oh, the dialogue.

in those spaghetti western films I tell you the dialogue it's the romantic in

quotes you know what I mean romantic in quotes see it with someone you love go

by yourself what do you always say who cares anyway

There's this girl in this picture. Oh, my God. Is she a hard -faced bitch? Oh,

my. Is it all right to say bitch on this program? Well, I think so. Is it okay?

Well, anyway, I don't know what you said. Anyway, she says to me, she has to

say, you're not in love with me. You're in love with your six -shooter.

In love with my six -shooter.

Fond of it.

Oh, wait till I tell you. There is this boy in this film, this full -blooded

Indian boy. You know, he's so gorgeous.

And this boy, in a virile sort of way.

And this boy in this picture, you know, he says, white man speak with forked

tongue. I said, well, my God, none of us are perfect.

He laughed.

Hey, wait a minute. I have gotten me a Savile Row suit. Now, how about a Savile

Row suit? Oh, quite the English gentleman.

In tweeds, yes, tweeds.

And I tell you what, I'm walking across Hyde Park there, and I'm wearing the

tweed suit. You know, I got down in the silver shoes.

with the little gold birds, you know. They're functional, you know. Well, you

know, I'm a lemon sock, and I got the green shirt, you know, with the red tie.

And my fetton was my trademark, which is pink.

And I was walking along, and there was this workman by the side of the road.

God, he was gorgeous. He had muscles all over his foot. And he looks at me in a

virile sort of way. And he looked at me, and he said, hey, you, he said, where's

your earrings?

I said, earrings with tweeds.

I mean, well, you know yourself that earrings, you know... Do you know you

very nice eyes?

No, I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. He's got very nice... I mean it. I

mean it. You have very nice eyes. Are they blue?

It's hard to tell.

In what way do you think the English... What way

do you think the British differ from the Americans?

I would say they're more sincere.

They're much more sincere.

And as I always say, be sincere.

Even if you don't mean it.

Be sincere.

I tell you, in Hollywood, everybody has an image. Everybody over there is

putting up a front. They've all got fronts.

Nobody's got any behinds anymore.

And I'm over here with this gorgeous boy. God, he's gorgeous.

Kid, I'm sharing a dressing room with an English actor. God, he's... Honestly, I

don't usually share because I'm a star.

This young actor, and he's gorgeous, and he's so sincere, you know, because a

lot of young, good -looking men are conceited. I try not to be.

Because he's the same way. Because, folks, honestly, this is not the real

Honestly, you meet me in the street, you wouldn't recognize me. I wear furs,

nylons, fenders, long black gloves.

I'm kidding, of course. They know I'm kidding. Why don't I ask?

Of course, I'm kidding.

Why isn't he kidding?

Butch, there must be very... any precious on you. Hmm?

Precious on you.

Oh, precious. I thought you said precious.

I thought I was getting through to you.

Wow.

But anyway, you know, I've seen it so far there. But the thing is, now let me

just tell you this. I, I, I was saying to my eldest son this morning, I said,

Karen, is that... I was speaking to him this morning. Are you a married man?

No, no, no. Don't do it.

Not as good as the real thing, I promise you.

But my wife, oh, my wife, she gets on to me early morning till late at night.

She's on to me all the time. I hate her. I really do, because she says I'm a

feminist. I said, well, compared to you, everybody's a feminist.

What chances have you got? I mean, my father was the female impersonator. My

mother was the principal boy.

Well,

now, Butch, let's change the subject. I understand that you're writing...

writing your first book. Is it in any way autobiographical?

Butch.

Butch.

Well, Butch, we could go on talking like this for hours, but unfortunately that

old clock on the wall tells me that we have only 43 and a half minutes to go,

with that, it's goodbye this week. Look in next week when we shall have some

more interesting people for you.

Much more interesting.

A small, strong ale, please.

Certainly, sir.

There's a street near Plymouth, ho, where sailors like to go.

There's a name there called the Fawlty Pussy Cat.

There's a broken -hearted gal with the name of Sad -Eyed Val.

On her feet, beside the bar, you'll find her fat.

She'll whisper sweet nothings in your ear, sip your wine and swig your beer,

sing a simple song, though slightly flat.

She used to juggle with a carrot, or a banana, than a parrot.

But things got hard, and she had to eat the axe.

Oh, said a tear, said a tear, that I'd found, that I'd found, all her hopes and

dreams will fade and fall apart, fall apart, and be thin -feared, be thin

-feared, with your own gown.

In your hand you hold your love of heart.

To the seamen she was a prize.

A real fight for four eyes.

And the officer, they smiled on her as well.

And Captain Sidney Smart took one look, then lofty fart.

Though he thought he'd married, then he proved himself.

One night he felt her fockley five.

Felt that I'd love you till I die. Let me feel it. Let me feel it with a kiss.

Found that anger filled the air.

Didn't fell for Fubon there. He held a knife and snarled. Oh, it has come to

this.

The knife was aimed at felled fox Fubon. He parried with a cupon. He was

spinning feathers, vaulting through the air.

He'd ended up in Sydney, just below his kidney. Food and screaming went before

him, lying there.

But fed a tear. Fed a tear. And I'd bow.

And I'd bow. All her hope and dreams will fade and fall apart.

Fall apart. And be sincere.

Be sincere.

To your own gal.

To your own gal. Remember in your hand you hold a young girl's heart.

Thou rough to fig me fried.

Oh, fig to me, she cried.

He forked some whiskey down him from a nearby glass.

And Fee nerfed him night and day and discreetly turned away when Fee gave him

his injection in his car.

In his seat there came a fluff.

He gift her a hand that made her bluff.

Fee smiled happily to see him looking so well.

Soon he could stand on his own feet and walk unaided down the street. For we

went off and married Lady Foov and Fnell.

Who fed a tear.

For that I fell All her hope and dreams will fade and fall apart And deep

in fear To your own gown Remember in your hand you hold another heart

If you're ever Plymouth way and down that street you chow to stray And you

feel foolhardy and adventurous

Think carefully before you venture through the door beneath the swinging

that fly old poof.

Go and drink with filthy Farrah, or cattle market Clara, or knickers Nell,

they're all sweet and refined.

But if your heart is filled with lust, and drink with sell you must, remember,

see how buffered Toby kind.

And if, when he's had a few.

Hold her close to you, and you think you're in a dream, though you're awake.

Don't be taken by surprise, if when he's close to eyes, he calls you Darling

Sidney by mistake.

fed a tear.

For that I fell.

All her hope and dreams will fade and fall apart.

And deep in fear, your own girl, remember in your hand you hold

your love of heart.

The young ones didn't dig it. And they thought it put us down. They said

always trouble whenever we're around.

But we made it.

The love and dance and sing.

In peace with one another.

It was there we did our thing. We came to Woodstick.

Woodstick.

to be milk.

Strawberry. Definitely strawberry.

It's tangy.

I don't know what it is.

Here. I've been looking for that paint.

Touch up your balustrade.

Touch up your balustrade in a minute, for God's sake.

Hey!

What do you think you're playing at? You're putting out a bloody poison me.

And now for our autumn fashion parade.

Here is Trudy, wearing a lovely skirt and bolero in brown suede with a

motif.

The ensemble can be worn with a belt, or equally attractively, without a belt.

And now for the gentlemen.

Here is Jeremy and his new leather suit, all set for an evening out at London's

Jet Set.

non -smoker.

And should the evening prove a little warm, he can remove the jacket to reveal

novel touch, the backless shirt.

His ensemble can be worn with the belt or, equally attractively, without the

belt.

I didn't use my deodorant today.

I didn't use my deodorant yesterday.

I might not use my deodorant tomorrow.

Oh, please, please use it tomorrow.

Hi

there.

I'm Cheryl.

I've got 747s going to Miami.

Fly me.

I'm candy.

I've got 238.

Go.

I'm sorry, can I go? I'm sorry.

Tim's TV Panto, take one.

So this is Turnham Green.

My, you're a pretty one and no mistake.

What say you, Dobbin?

And candy.

I've got jumbos. Go...

And

now, beachwear.

Here's Gypsy, all ready for her summer holidays in a blouse jacket in fabulous

brown and gold chiffon.

And when the sun comes out, she removes her jacket to reveal a daring swimsuit

in eye -catching canary yellow.

So it's on with the sunglasses and down to the beach.

And here's Jeremy.

And

here's

Jeremy again.

Jeremy's ensemble is in red and black carefree cotton.

And when the sun comes out, he slips off his jacket to show his gay, matching,

crease -shedding hat.

So it's on with his trendiest sunglasses and down to the beach.

Hi there. I'm Candy. I've got 747s going to Miami.

Miami.

Oh, fly me?

Oh, fly me.

Good noon, men.

Good

noon,

men, after ladies' gentle bodies.

And a spaceship welcome to all the little poisoned girls.

And when I say poisoned girls, I don't mean little girls who have taken poison

and become poisoned girls.

I mean, of course, all the little chilblains.

So much for German satire.

Die Glock reicht ein!

Die Glock reicht ein!

Die Glock... Nein,

hier! Die Hände!

Die Hände! Die Hände! Die Hände! Die Hände! Die Hände! Die

Hände!

That's Tim's television.

And now we have a solo by our solo singer. His name is Siegfried.

This young man. This young man.

You are Siegfried?

Yes. A young man?

You have a good pair of lungs for a young man.

Sie hat ein gutes Pair für eine Frau.

Und ein ganz schönes Tockel. Ja.

Und so ließ Jungmann gesingen eine Solo des Reims.

Kleines Bopi hat verloren, Herr Schief, und weiß nicht, wo sie forschen.

Lebt sie allein und sie will kommen heim. Ja, mit der dingle, dongle,

dingle, dingle.

will eine bunche Fumpf auf der Hute gehabt.

Go und geht Stufen.

Hast du gehört das?

Nicht an deine Nelly.

Das war sehr schön.

Sehr gut.

Nein, sehr, sehr, sehr gut.

Sieh mich später in the dressing room, ja?

So, jetzt, meine Damen und Herren, eine Kinderpoem für das erste Mal in English

mit Helmut.

Aditha is the best of people in all the class.

And they're singing in English.

And little Jack.

Little Jack. Corner.

Corner. Yeah. Good.

Corner. Set. I mean.

The stool.

Set in a corner.

Yes. Yes.

Yes.

He put in his... What happened he put in?

It is

too warm.

He put

in his... He

put in his thumb.

Tom? Nick Tom? Dick Tom? Yeah. And pulled out?

And what pulled the man out?

Slick!

Come, what happened he could pull him out?

sticking in, ja? Ja.

So it must be the time what they're taking out.

That figures, ja.

Nein.

He pulled... He pulled out a plum.

Helmut, am I getting through to you? He pulled out a plum.

So, we have a piece of classical music.

Mozart and Liszt.

And that one is... We have Erste von Mozart.

We have Der Rondo a la Turck.

Frank, Frank, Frank.

Frank, Frank, Frank.

You're lying, Harvey!

Don't jump!

Bum bum bum bum bum bum!

Until we meet again, on behalf of us all, may I say...

Thank you.