Original subtitles

That will surely be a catastrophe.

But what a typical English sailor boy you are, to be sure.

Splash the men, please.

What'll it be then, gents?

Bitter? One bitter coming up.

Nine! Nine bitters coming up.

Give us a kiss and show us your knickers.

Say what?

Being typical British servicemen, we shall have a typical British drink. We

have a swipe.

Two martinis.

Dry? Nein, dry.

I mean, no, two.

Just two martinis.

I see we've got that big fat pig going on a run, ain't we, eh?

Fat pig.

Great fat pig.

I've got more brains than him. I'm only half his size.

I beg your pardon?

It's construed what I'm about to say to you, but I'm going to tell you about the

women in my life.

Now, I know some gals are real refined, but they always tend to get the other

kind, and maybe that's why I've never found a wife.

Now, I used to know a gal in Crewe. She was five foot two. She had eyes of blue,

and she told me that her name was Lottie.

But I think she was funny in the head. She used to sleep underneath the bed.

parents thought she was a little potty.

I kind of liked the way she smiled, so I went around with her for a while, and I

kind of thought of her as my bride -to -be.

Hey, you're the one gal in my life I'd like to have you for my wife. She said,

now what would your wife do with me?

Beware of wild women, those wild, wild women. Those wild, wild women around.

Beware of wild women, those wild, wild women. And never let them take you down.

Now one day I met a movie star. She's just getting out of a Rolls Royce car.

She's all covered in diamonds and mink.

gal with money, and this one, she was a real honey. I said, maybe one day you

and I could have a little drink.

She said, you're just my kind of man. She stuck a phone number in my hand. She

said, call me up next time that you're in town.

I said, is this your penthouse? She said, no, fish and chip shop down below,

you just call me up and they'll call me down.

Now, I was in a Chelsea bar one day. There's a chap stood about 10 feet away.

was both admiring a girl about 21.

I said, you just can't help but stare at the cute little chick with the long

blonde hair. He said, that chick just happens to be my son.

I said, I didn't mean to offend you. You must let me make amends. At least let

me buy you another rum.

I said, you must think me an awful cat. I didn't know you was his dad. He said,

I'm not your twit. I'm his mom.

It's a nice hat, isn't it?

It's got the little selfridges in the restaurant.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show, and it's nice to welcome back my

friend Nicholas Parsons, and here he is talking to the children of St. Solomon's

School. And what are you drawing?

I'm going to do a picture.

Oh,

dear God.

Oh, dear God. Oh, dear God.

Billy at the tuck shop gave him all little girl chocolate dollies and he

boy chocolate dollies.

There isn't that much difference, is there?

Oh, how much is a girl's chocolate?

He said, no, but there's that much more chocolate.

He's silly. I know he's my brother, but he's still silly.

I sleep by myself. I'm not afraid to sleep by myself, but he is.

And so is Mummy.

Yes, she is. Because when Daddy goes away for the weekend, Mummy always has

have Uncle Percy come and see me.

He's not my real uncle. What?

What did you say?

I'm not sure, but it's something about modern permissive trends upsetting the

fabric of present -day society. I told you he was silly, didn't I? He was

I've nearly finished now.

What's it going to be? It's going to be a picture of God.

I know maybe it knows what God looks like, but I haven't finished my picture

yet, have I? Oh, shut up.

Come, mother, do help.

Oh, look, leaves.

Well,

today we're letting them paint anything they like and... He appears

a lady.

She have no clothes on.

She have no dress.

She have no shoes.

No stockings.

No knickers.

She is a naked lady.

And the gentleman, he is a naked too.

The gentleman is very fond of the lady.

What is your name?

We have to draw what we want to be when we're grown up.

She wants to be married, but she don't know how to draw it.

I do. It's all like fighting and screaming and kicking and shooting and

babies. And I know.

You never.

I do know, because me dad said to me, do you want to have a little baby brother

or would you like to have a little baby sister?

And what did you say?

I said, if it wouldn't put me ma 'am to too much trouble, I'd like a pony.

And he said, no, it's the stock, and it's going to come flying round our

It's going to fly in round and round. It's going to fly right in the window of

me ma 'am's bedroom there. And I said, I hope it don't upset me ma 'am, because

she's in the family way.

What do you want to be when you grow up? I'm going to be a boxer.

I know about fighting. You can't. I know about fighting, I do.

I do. I beat Ginger Tompkins, and I had Lofty Bat on the floor at the

playground. And she's in the big girls.

My dad, he wants me to become a prime minister, but I don't want to do that,

because I don't want to go sailing the boat all the time. I should be sitting

the deck, and I should be sitting on the floor.

We're trespassing, you know.

Water bailiff, he said so, and he don't think of his trespassers, not him, once

he caught me with me rod.

He said, you dirty, rotten, sloppy clod.

He said, you're fishing. I said, no, I'm teaching the worm to swim.

He said, I've told you twice before, poaching salmon is against the law.

I suppose you're up to get one in your neck. I said, I'm after stickleback

He said, oh, what are they like? I said, I don't know, I ain't caught one yet.

I used to have trouble with my flies.

And then Joe here put me wise. God, he knows all about fishing that there is to

tell. Do you know, I've known him tickle a trout and then, like lightning, whip

it out.

I've known him catch a girl that way as well.

Here, once we took a boat out in the bay, 40 cod we got that day.

Told you I'd find you a good place, says Joe with pride.

Well, it's market then, says Pat.

I says, are we going to do that? That isn't easy. Put a chalk mark on the

I says, that is diabolical. That's stupid. That's illogical.

I says, mark the side with chalk, you silly goat. I says, if we come down this

way and fish us another day, chances are we get a different boat.

He says,

he says, the Heskimos cuts all in the ice, floats on some peas and waits quiet

as voice.

Open to catch a cod or a hake or a nice sole.

He says, they wait there patiently until the fish comes up for a pee.

He says, what then? He says, they kick him in the eyes off.

Once he told our local barmaid how one day he caught a mermaid.

He said, I got her just off Plymouth Town.

Her bust it measured 42, her waist it measured 22, and the rest of her was 18

pence a pound.

Dear, oh, Lord, he's a lad, isn't he?

Here, once he took out fidgety flow.

She says, isn't that swan swimming slow?

And there's the horse, and there's the cow, and that pig's a boar. And, oh,

at that, Joe. He says, all right, love, I know. She says, what do you want to go

and threaten it for?

He married her one day.

What, it was a tiddler on the way.

And he was born. We all wanted to know the weight. He says, he weighs near

enough a pound.

So Charlie, he turns round, he says, go on, you only just got back your boat.

He'd be a young man today, going his own pop -happy way, chasing some

unattainable dream.

But perhaps when he's older and a bit more wise, he'll begin to realise the

of just sitting by a stream.

For in a world filled with aggression and hate and fear and depression, an

out here, oh, you just don't know what it's worth.

Spend an hour with fishermen, and you'll find peace again.

They're the most peaceful, kindly gentlemen on earth.

I got one!

I got one! I got one!

Howdy, all you folks out there in television land.

I come up here this time, I come over on an airplane.

I don't know you folks remember the first time you ever went up in an

Sure, it's a lot scarier, isn't it? You know, first thing you happen, you sit

down, this sassy little gal come along and she straps you in your seat.

Then she sort of hovers over you, you know, with that tight white blouse fit

bust.

She says, anything I can do for you.

I said, I've had a lot of good when you hogtied there, isn't it?

And in comes another sassy little gal. Oh, she's pushing a trolley. On that

trolley, there is everything.

There is whiskey.

There is gin.

There is Martina.

There is Duboni.

Bo Jolly.

Pam Perry.

That ain't for you. That's going up the front of the airport.

You won't know who's up the front of the airplane.

The driver, that too.

And he starts talking at you. He says, uh, this is your captain speaking.

He got like a deep, rich, brown voice.

That sort of lulled you into a false sense of security.

I mean, that might not be his normal voice.

I mean, only flower I ever knew had a voice so high, only people that could

understand him was dogs.

his old Paris.

He used to make his own dresses.

And he says, uh, I'd like to welcome you aboard this here Boeing airplane.

That's the right name for airplane, isn't it? Boeing.

Not Speedy or High Flyer or something like that, but Boeing.

Well, you know what I sound like, don't you, Boeing?

I sound like a piece just dropped off. Boeing!

I says to myself, our plane gonna be flying 30 ,000 feet.

You get your hands on that gin bottle, you gonna be flying 50 ,000 feet.

Anyway, I get over here. You know the thing I like over here about you English

people? I like your natural health service.

I like that.

Because you know, back home in Little Creek, they charge you $5 just to look

down your throat and $30 to look up your birth certificate.

I don't like your quarantine.

People are there so much, though, because they wouldn't let me bring my

I've got two dogs. I've got two loveliest little dogs you've ever seen

life. I've got a little Dachshund. A little Dachshund that's like a dog and a

half long and half a dog high.

I like him because all the kids can pet him at the same time.

And I feel sorry for him when we get snow on the ground because he's got

short legs.

I feel sorry for that little boy.

Anyway, I absolutely feel sorry for him. We've got an Afghan.

He's a high...

My wife trained him to do his little bits of business on the newspaper while

reading it.

Anyway, wouldn't let me bring my dog, so I brought my wife over with me.

Well, I saved kissing her goodbye, you know.

Because I sure as heck don't like kissing her goodbye.

Only time I ever kiss her is when I can't find a table napkin.

She's over here now.

We're going to sing at you. I don't know why you're doing us no harm.

Anyway, here she is, Roundtree. I call her Roundtree on account of her clear

gums. Come on, gal.

It's up in the music, Barry. Come on.

Now, down on the farm, everything that you did, it seemed so right somehow.

Like the way you always warmed your hands before you milked the cow.

And that old muley up and kicked me in the head one day.

The tears. roll down my cheeks as I saw the formula limp away.

That day you helped a poor old lady across the street in the snow.

Believe me, it wasn't easy. She didn't want to go.

I said I didn't smoke or drink and that necking wasn't wise.

I said, what do you do then?

And you answered, I tell lies.

Came round your house a -courting.

Late on a Saturday night.

I said I don't want to see you.

So I switched out the light.

Later that night you banged on my door and started to holler and shout.

You kicked up such a rumpus that I had to let you out.

And to that painful wedding by my father you will go dead.

That marriage was illegal.

The shotgun wasn't loaded.

Last week I saw you with the butcher.

You were kissing and cuddling and such.

Oh, how could you kiss the butcher when we owe the milkman so much?

The days are far behind me. They're in the long ago.

They only serve to remind me just how I love you so.

With Oliver Twith, featuring Nancy...

Get these out.

Could somebody get me rice pudding? Could you order me rice pudding?

Then send in the prisoner.

No more whipping!

No more beatings! I beg of you!

Tell me the name of the man who saved my brother's life and you shall go free.

The name of the man who saved your brother's life.

why all we thought is enemy. But why?

The reason will be most rewarding.

Send in the Duke of Dundee.

You sent for

me, Your Majesty?

Even a queen.

must thank the man who saved the life of her brother.

Come, my lord of Denby, give me your hand.

Nay, my lord, the other hand.

Nay.

Nay, my lord, both hands.

She didn't have to have both hands, did she? Could have done it with one.

I can't let the bloody thing off, can I?

Oh, dear.

Hello, Madge.

Not if they look like that. They are. Oh, it's all about washing up. Oh, you

want to try barmolive, my dear.

That's washing up liquid.

That's what your hands are in now.

Oh. Oh, yes.

Oh, barmolive is especially mild.

And there's none gentler. Oh, barmolive will keep your hands lovely and soft.

Wait. You see what I do?

So bloody rough. Then send in the traitor.

Aye, I'll send in him.

To think a captain of the guard could treat his queen so.

He shall pay dearly for this.

Captain, I would speak with you.

I can hear thee.

I can hear thee full well from here, your majesty.

I command you to come here.

I couldn't have heard of that there, John.

It's not my fault.

Well, could you get a welder, then?

Another fine day here in Sherwood Forest.

What say you to that?

Splendid day for hanging a sheriff.

Hold hard.

Hanging's too good for him.

What do you say to that, eh, little John?

No.

I told you to keep to the left. I did keep to the left.

Shut that door, then. Yes, and I'm going off for tea. Well, I don't... Nay, my

liege. I tell you nay.

Nay, you shall not take me alive.

Never. For with yonder sword... With

yonder sword, shall I... With yonder poison tablet, which

conceals beneath my doublet, which is next to my thinglet, shall I truly kill

myself. And so, so do I die. I die.

Shall I truly kill myself? And so... Blood!

Blood!

Shut that door.

Ah, how quickly the blood doth congeal.

And so... Sorry.

And so do I, darling.

asked here at Thames Television is, will there be a fourth channel?

No, I don't know.

But are we satisfied with the television programmes that we're getting?

Yes, the answer is no.

But should there be a fourth channel? Of course not. Unless the public demand

it. And then I say, yes, we shall not take no for an answer.

Now, with me in the studio here is a man who is directly concerned with this,

the head of Scuttlevision, Mr. Frederick Scuttle. Good evening, sir.

Good evening, fans.

Mr. Scuttle, if you were in charge of the fourth channel, what audiences would

you aim for?

The thinking man, sir. Yes. The thinking man is fed up with the superfluity and

frivolousness of television.

All that frolics.

Yes, sir. He's fed up with nothing but dancing ladies wearing nothing but

braziers and open -neck trousers.

Some of the costumes the girls wear nowadays are disgraceful, sir. I've seen

more cotton in the top of an aspirin bottle.

There was a dancer the other week, a white -haired club, wearing a kilt six

inches above the knee.

What's wrong with that? He didn't have six inches above the knee, sir.

What would you put in its place?

In what place, sir?

The dancers, the frolics. I'll tell you what I'd put in. The masters, sir, the

classics. The classics. Lady Fandomia's Wind.

The Tale of Two Cities.

Taker Gobbler.

Dillon from Class, sir. Yes, sir, I would, sir.

Continental artiste and book bit and book by myself.

What was that again?

I can't speak my card. Listen, I go over there, you know. You do?

Oh, sir, yeah, I speak five languages, you know. Sprechen Sie Deutsch?

Oui, oui, monsieur.

That is French.

Is it? Yeah.

Six languages.

I've handled them all, you know, sir.

Les champignons de la chanson.

The singing toadstools.

Lost paranoics, I've handled them.

Sophia Loren, I've never handled her.

No, but we reach for the stars, we do. I offered Maria Callas's... I offered

her 30 quid and 10 luncheon vouchers to come over here and mime to a verse and

chorus of Cozy Fanny Tootie.

Did she acquiesce?

Not with me, she didn't, sir, no.

But, sir, you know, the thing is... Well, tell him what else we're going to

him, sir. Oh, the greatest, sir. Our serial.

The continuing story of Acker Street.

Oh, the critics liked it? The two crickets went potty over it, sir. Mary

said, if I had not seen it with my own eyes, I would not have believed it.

Virginia Ironside.

There's a name to conjure with.

referred to it as Poetry in Motion.

And Alan Bryan said it makes Hocal Cutter look like a blue Peter.

So, you see, they all enjoyed it, you see. Oh, I'm sure they did. And I'll

you what else we're going to give. We're going to give, for the first time on

television, Poetry in Jazz.

Really? Poetry in Jazz? Poetry in Jazz, yes, with Melody Malcolm, with a voice

like Talcum.

And his minstrels. They're ready now. His minstrels?

They'll give us a couple of them, if you like. Oh, they'll give us a potpourri?

I wouldn't put it as strongly as that.

I'll tell you a couple of things. You see, you never know with Malcolm what

going to do. We give him a free hand in its entirety, sir. You see, we never tie

him down. No. Unless it's a full moon.

And then we have to, you know, sir.

Full moon, a Will's Whip, a cup of Benji's, and a Tizer,

and he's off!

Real darn, sir. He's a non -conformist. I think he's C of E, actually, sir.

I would like to say. And you never know what one minute, sir, he'll give you.

Eskimo Nell, and then, like lightning, you get the rubber yacht of Jaime Cohen.

The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam. As well, sir, yes.

And the Minstrel, sir. Oh, the group.

Oh, the group. Are they strict tempo? Never touch a drop, sir.

They don't, sir, no. They smoke quite a bit, which you see, sir.

They are lovely music, sir. Yes. Lovely music. I heard them last night at

Teddington Town Hall. You should have been there. It was magnificent.

The music sort of swelled up. It swelled up and it sort of filled the halls,

sir. Yes. Several people left to make room for it, actually.

Are they ready now? Come over here. I'll show you, sir. I'll show you.

4

-0

Prunella was built like a fella.

So she went down to see Dr Kerr. He said, no, they'll make eighth. When she

stripped to the waist, he could hardly stop calling her sir.

He started to gape at her absence of shape. And he laughed, and he hardly

speak. And he started to joke. She said, it's no joke. They've been swallowing

like that for a week.

He explained the position.

He said, I'm a physician.

I graft you two on just like that.

And he went and got plastered.

Silly old Paul.

And he grafted them onto her back.

Now poor old Prunella, she can't get a fella to walk or to talk or romance

Because no one wants to chat when a girl looks like that. But by golly, she's

great fun to dance with.

Here's another.

My mate Ted has got a big head.

He's a snob, he's aloof, he's high -ass.

Some blokes say, by heck, he's a pain in the neck. My opinion is lower than

that.

When he was at school, he made it the rule to be Miss Coombe's favourite

student.

She said, you stay behind. He said, I don't mind the joke and the gossip if

don't.

Once I said, Miss Coombe, may I leave the room? And I put my hand over my

She replied with a grin, now you can stop in and fill up the inkwells

There was one little lad who always looked sad. The reason we would soon

discover, Botox was his name.

He wanted more knowledge, so he went to college, one of them intellectual

palaces. I said, no, don't call us. He said, I left there with honors, and

Sally's, and Irene's, and Alice's.

He married Miss Meacher,

and he was a schoolteacher.

She should have been teaching the men.

On their wedding night, she said, that's not right, now do it all over again.

He says, I went to night school.

He says, I went to the right school, now I go to night school. Every

Tuesday from eight until ten.

That's why I'm so bright, because every Tuesday night I learn about world famous

men.

Now Venus was chased all over the place.

She was lovely and that's on the level. And old Aphrodite ran it out in her

nightie and Deuce was a dirty old devil.

He said, you've never heard of Richard III or Rembrandt or Voltaire or Wren.

He said, I'm no fool.

I go to night school every Tuesday from eight until ten.

I said, I bet you don't know.

I said, I bet you don't know Charlie Glenn. He says, no, I'll buy it then.

Charlie Glenn?

I said he's the louse who goes round to your house every Tuesday from 8 until

10!

Give her

your

hand when she's lost the way Give her

your shoulder to cry on Whether the day is bright or

grey Give her your heart to rely on Blow her a

kiss from across the room Say she looks nice when she's not

Touch her hair as you pass her chair

Give her your hand as you cross the street.

Call her at six on the dot.

Find a day when you're far away.

Little things need a lot.

Don't have to buy her diamonds or pearls.

Champagne tables and books.

She doesn't care much for...

Bye.

Bye. Bye.

Bye.

Good evening.

Well, once again, we welcome from China, Mr.

Chow Min.

Good evening, everybody.

And hello there, Nicholas Parsons.

Nicholas Parsons. Nicholas Parsons. I am Nicholas.

Mind you don't catch a cold.

You're not like Chairman Mao.

Chairman Mao, have nicks on.

Well, I am delighted to see that this time Mr. Min has brought with him his

lovely wife, Mrs. Min. And may I say, Mrs. Min, that you are the veritable

epitome of Eastern womanhood and beauty. With your enigmatic smile, you're the

lotus blossom incarnate.

I'm terribly sorry. I didn't realize that your wife spoke English. Better

you, cookie boy.

The rotis rotten incarnate.

What a rotacobras.

Mr. Min, where... Where did you curse come to meet your lovely wife? In

Shanghai, I sleep.

I was driving in the long rain.

The long rain?

Not a long rain, a long rain.

The long rain.

Oh, the wrong lane.

In her car.

What else?

Then I drive over this glass.

And you got a puncture.

No, not a puncture on glass.

Not a puncture on clean glass.

Not a puncture on glass.

On bloke and grass, get a puncher.

Get a puncher up a throat in a minute.

Then I noticed that she wearing hot pants.

Made in China?

Made in cotton.

She was leaning over her car and I was rugging and all full of lust.

You were?

A car.

It was a lusty car. The engine was lusty.

Rustic. Yeah.

So I say to myself,

It's magic.

Because,

you see, what I say in English is, I think maybe her leg is broken.

Maybe her crutches are burnt out.

And then I go over and I say, hey, you butterfly.

I blame... I see you no switch on.

And she say, I only got to take one more look at you, cookie boy, and I switch

on.

So, Mr. Min, this is your wife.

What aspects of Britain do you think will most interest the people of China?

I'd like to hear about Paris.

The French capital, Paris.

In English, Buckingham, Paris.

I'd like to hear about...

And her mother, the clean mother.

Also, Prince Philip.

Lord Stoughton.

Princess Margaret.

We like to hear about all the loyal family.

Also visit horse piddle.

We visit the horse piddle, yes. We see the nurses there with the brats talking.

Some of those nurses can disturb the patients without making a bed.

They get a surprise. What kind of surprise?

Medical surprise.

Oh, surprise.

Oh, you know this and you silly idiot.

No time, Cookie Baby, you tell me.

Or shall we go to Reading?

Reading in Berkshire. No, Reading in Church, sir.

Ah, because he married a ceremony.

I see.

And a drink of champagne.

There was no gloom. Everyone was happy. How can they be happy when there is no

gloom? Gloom not turn up.

Oh, the groom.

Yes.

Oy vey.

Well, when the groom turn up, he marry... He marry

16 wives.

Sixteen? Yes.

Four richer, four poorer, four better, and four worse.

I hear more crapping that night.

Then they have a party, and best men come in carrying a lead jerry. A lead

jerry? Yes, a lead jerry. Yeah, full of custard.

Custard? You never have Jerry and Custard?

He's rubbery, Jerry and Custard. He's rubbery. He was a love -billy Jerry.

And there was not enough to go around, so I give a smack in the middle,

everybody get a bit... Also, I take a photograph,

it was spoilt.

Oh, spoilt, oh.

Not I spoilt, oh.

I spoilt, oh.

Click it.

And, uh, rugby.

Okay. Okay.

No, okay. Okay with an okay stick.

Okay.

You know, we write best, oh, damn, to Bajo.

Oh, yeah. Oh, damn, to Bajo. Good game.

Oh, damn, to Bajo. Oh, damn, to Bajo. Good game. Ready can pray also.

Oh, summery can pray. I see a lady. She was dressed with two nipples.

I beg your pardon? Blessed with two nipples.

Oh, blessed with two nippers.

Yeah, that's what I say, two nipples.

There was a big cloud.

Oh, a cloud of rain?

No, a cloud of people.

And we all come to see this man, her husband, pray.

Oh, down to Bajo.

So, Odonto Bajo, he takes a small round ball, a white ball, Odonto Bajo, put it

under the grass, and over there is a small round hole. He tried with a stick

a club to knock the small round hole into the little tiny...

Oh, there, the ball go into the hole. But it's not quite going.

It's just on the edge. And everybody say, oh, damn, too bad, Joe.

Oh, damn, too bad, Joe. That's a good game.

I like that. I like that game. Thank you very much indeed, Mr. Min and Mrs. Min.

Good night, Cookie Boy.

I got a brand new pair of roses.

I raise the chicks and then I feed the chicks and I'm feeling lonesome and

And when I milk the cow, it seems somehow my thought keeps straying to

And as the horse and I play the field nearby, your memory I can't erase.

For as I look at the rear of the horse, my dear, I seem to see your face.

I'm going to soak the scene of deep devotion, fertilizing with emotion.

Water it with warm desire and then I'll reap the harvest of love.

Yes, I was happy as a pig in spite of the way that you looked at me when I met

you at the village dance.

But you were in the ladies' excuse me, and I thought I should never have a

chance. But you went off with Jeff, our local chef, and you courted him, came by

the hedge.

Then up came his wife with a long -handled knife, and she cut off his meat

two vegs. I don't know.

It seemed a deep devotion.

I think it was emotion.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you all very much for being with us. And

we look forward to seeing you all again quite soon. Until then, bye -bye.

Thank you.

Thank you.