Original subtitles

This is a Cal Vista presentation.

Dear Fanny.

Robbing of a heart? Oh, I mean...

the heart of a throbbing city.

From the ocean to the metropolis, people of all types have migrated to bask in

the sunny climate and live off the fat of the land.

Let's boogie and let's get down.

Let's party!

Here it is. Let it all hang out.

It's not a city, really, but more or less a series of boundaryless

overlapping each other.

And everyone seems to be obsessed by...

Sex. Their own and other people's too.

Nobody can seem to get enough of it.

It's on the newsstands, the theaters, the television, the streets, and,

oh yes, behind closed doors.

There is no end to the mystery of sex.

It controls businesses, the entertainment industry, the airline

politicians, police.

And even you and I in our day -to -day drab existences in the everyday world of

hedonistic pleasures.

And with this sexiness comes problems.

And problems must be solved.

And we can't always solve our own problems.

So, we need someone to solve our problems for us.

And who else is better than the wisest of them all on love, marriage, Swinging

and sex.

The expert whom we can all write to.

The queen of confessions.

The most widely read column in the newspaper.

The one and only... Dear Fanny.

Look, I don't give sexual advice over the phone. If you've got a problem,

me a letter.

I will not talk dirty to you on the phone.

Ma, I told you she wouldn't do it.

Look, you've got to stop calling me here at the office, because we've got work

to do, you know?

Yeah, I'll be home at 6 o 'clock for dinner.

Thank you. Bye.

Mother had an awfully low voice. Tell me, does she have a hormone problem?

Not really.

Oh, hey, tut.

You're reading mail, not the paper.

Hey, stick around. I might have plans for both of you later. All right.

And it looks like a lady who likes it in the morning. Nice and exciting.

Okay.

Dear Fanny, she writes, I'm into morning sex, but first I like to turn

myself on by imagining all sorts of nasty things.

Sounds like my type.

Let me see that.

My problem is that I think I'm into domination.

Some kind of sex machine Giving me a heart attack Supernatural sex machine

Sending those chills up and down my back Some kind of sex machine Giving me a

heart attack Supernatural sex machine Sending those chills up and down my back

Sex machine

I love you.

Oh, God.

We'll be right back.

Put your ass up in the air.

Bye. Bye.

The problem is, I think... Oh, watch your teeth.

Oh, that's nice.

The problem is, I think I'm into domination.

Let me have that letter.

Here you go, Fanny. Thank you. Oh, baby.

Take this down.

No,

not yet.

Cut the comedy, chowderhead.

Now, Beth, take this down.

Okay.

That's cute.

Right.

Dear daytime dominant, oh, we are into control, aren't we?

Keep him on a tight leash.

Remember, if you crack the whip, he'll take the trip.

Besides that, it beats sitting on the freeways in the morning in traffic.

Yours, Fanny.

everybody. I got a bundle for you today.

Well, it's our postman with his morning load.

Just set him down and keep him coming.

Sure, Danny.

How's it hanging, Ralph?

Oh, lean, mean, olive green.

Why are you wearing that dumb chicken head?

Change of pace. I'm tired of seeing myself in the same way every day.

Just remind me of a cock.

Oh, you are such a tease, Jim.

Hardly what we'd expect of a government agent.

Shucks, I'm just a mailman.

With a good -looking cock.

Whip it out, Jim.

Yeah, let's see that minuscule sausage, huh?

Well, it's a little stiff right now.

Good.

Hey, look, we'd hardly notice the difference.

Give it to me.

Well, if you'll give me some coffee.

Black fanny? I beg your pardon?

You know, without cream and sugar.

Right. Okay.

Jim, would you take that damn chicken head off?

Well, it is a little silly, but it keeps the dogs from biting me.

Got a good letter.

I read it on the way over here.

Hey, you can't read my mail.

That's illegal.

People write to me in confidence.

Read it, Rolf.

Hey.

At least this time I don't have my thumb in it.

Thanks.

Dear Fanny, they write, I have a real problem. I

can't get it up anymore unless there's an element of danger.

Last Wednesday I spotted this car with ribbons and cans tied to the back.

Over.

On impulse, I followed them to a motel and watched them check in.

Room 308.

Then I hung around the pool and waited until they came out.

Excuse me, do you mind if we join you?

Oh, no, please. Thank you. Please.

I have a headache, you know.

Yeah,

excuse me.

Room 308, please.

I've already given you the key.

Oh, yes, of course. Well, my wife has it out at the pool, and I have a terrible

headache. I have to get to the room. I don't want to bother her.

Are you sure you're Mr.

Thistlemore? Yes, I'm sure I'm Mr.

Thistlemore. How do you spell that?

I spell it the same way I spell it in the book.

I'm sorry, sir, but nobody looks at our books.

I have a terrible headache. I really have to get to the room. Please, I

don't feel well. I think I'm going to be sick here. I'm going to be sick. Oh,

no, no, no. I'm going to be sick. Please.

Mr. Thistlemore, I trust you.

Thank you very much. I really like you. Mr.

Thistlemore, straight down. Oh, boy.

Boy, that's all right. All right. I can I can do it myself.

Maybe I can escort Oh

Sorry

sir, I was just

Yes, it's playing with yourself, right? Yeah, no, no, I mean no. Oh, it's all

right, it's all right, it's all right.

Wow, look at this.

Look at this one.

Well, that's great. Oh, no, wait.

No, no, yes, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine. Oh, I see what you mean.

Yes. Oh, no, sit back, relax.

Oh, no, relax, I have to get back to work now. No, no, no, you don't, you

you don't. Listen, all work and no play makes... Clara.

Clara? Yeah. I like Clara.

Makes Clara a dull maid.

Really? Yeah, don't worry about the management. I know them. I'm very good

friends with the guy at the front desk.

Oh, this is beautiful.

Look at that.

Oh, how do you work this thing?

Who's that?

Oh, shit.

What are we going to do?

We sit. I'm the maid. I'm cleaning the room.

What am I going to

do?

I'm going to bed.

Oh, come on.

Much better than the pool.

I love you. I love you.

Let's fuck. I know. Please.

I'll come back later, okay?

Yeah, good. Thank you.

Let's go.

I'll forget about her.

Oh, you

feel great.

So we can do this?

I know you can.

I love you too, honey.

Hey. Hey.

What the hell are you doing down there?

I'm the laundry man. I had to pick up some laundry for somebody that left it

this room.

I suppose a half hour ago you were the pool man.

Well, yeah, I have to do that too. It's a very small motel.

Get in.

Get in where?

Get in the bed.

Which bed?

Look, buddy, you better listen to me. I'm going to call the cops. No, no, no,

please. Please don't call the cops. I'll get in the bed.

I've got to tell you, I can't do it without shoes.

What?

I'll be watching you, buddy.

Bye.

You're going to fuck me. You're going to fuck the shit out of me. Is that what

you want? Yeah, that's right.

Oh, that's good.

You do, huh?

Good.

Hit me again.

What a beautiful face you have.

Then why don't you come?

She's the best.

Do you know how bad I want you to cum?

Get him, honey.

Oh, keep jerking it. Oh, yeah.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh,

oh,

oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

I guess your husband can come out of the closet now.

Since then, I've done it in elevators, churches, public restrooms, theaters,

Jehovah's Witness meetings.

I have to keep coming up with more dangerous places, otherwise I can't get

heart on.

I don't think my heart can stand the pace.

What do you advise?

Oh, fuck me.

Dear Harry, take this down, Ralph.

Better the big H at 10 than a soft Twinkie.

Keep up the good work.

And by the way, if you're ever in the neighborhood, drop in.

Drop in.

Drop in.

I've always thought of making it on the ledge of a window 40 stories up.

Love, danger, and excitement.

You are the backboner of this great country.

Yours, Fanny.

Ah, that's good advice, Fanny.

Well, thanks to you, Beth.

Gotta get back to your old stamping grounds.

It's a joke, get it?

Hey, putz, don't forget your chicken head.

They write, I am an average -looking fellow with average weight and medium

intelligence, and I usually go to this pastry shop before I go to work every

morning. This one particular time, it was not a young attractive waitress that

was serving me, but a woman who was fairly overweight, in fact, plump, in

very heavy.

You're new here, aren't you?

Yes. You're really cute.

You know, if you lost some weight, you'd be really rather sexy.

Well, I don't have any problems getting any other boyfriends. I have lots of

them. Oh?

Yes. Come over and sample some of my home cooking.

Sounds great.

Okay.

Come in. The door's open.

Come on in and sit down.

Sure. Would you like a chocolate?

No, thanks.

I want some strawberry shake.

That sounds good.

It's good.

Why don't you take off your jacket?

Stay a while.

All right.

You know, Ashley, I thought I was coming over for some of your home cooking.

We'll get to that.

Not soon enough.

Need help?

Please come right up like this.

It's good.

What is this?

I see what we're getting into.

Where's the beat? She's so heavy.

Where's the beat?

She's home of the big fun.

Where's the beat? She's so heavy.

Where's the beat?

She's two times as fun.

Where's the beat? She's got love handles.

Where's the beat? She's so heavy.

Where's the beat?

Oh, God.

Oh, fuck you.

You want to try it doggy style, huh? Yeah.

Okay. We'll do it your way.

Way over.

That's right.

Yeah, right.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

yeah. Oh, yeah.

Dear Flesh Fancier, that sounds fabulous.

There's always more to love, that's true.

Hang on to a good thing.

There certainly seems to be a lot to hang on to.

Signed, your Fanny.

This one's from French Lick, Indiana.

Oh, that's a great place to visit.

It is.

Dear Fanny, my problem started about six months ago.

when my wife enrolled in a cooking academy.

To specialize in French cooking?

I don't think I want to hear this.

Shut up.

Okay. Go on.

We always had an active sex life, and I was in pretty good shape until then.

Let me explain.

Oh, now look what you've done. You've ruined it.

Now take it easy.

There, now you look so cute.

Don't kick.

Oh, suck that thing.

Oh, mush it around.

Yeah.

Oh.

Mmm.

over for spaghetti dinner.

Wait.

Oh, for God's sake.

Well, let's see now. You got spaghetti.

You got pepper.

All you need is a little sausage.

Oh, baby.

Yeah. We'll go to it.

Oh.

Ah.

Yes.

Oh, baby.

Look at it.

Look at it.

Look at it. Look at it.

Look at it. Look at it. Look at it. Look at it. Look at it.

Look at it. Look at it.

Look at it.

Beth, take this down.

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Hogbody,

I've heard the way to a man's heart is through his belly, but if you two

pachyderms don't get off the sweet and sour fast, you won't be around much

longer to worry about what's in your fortune cookie.

Oh, P .S. Try an hour of hard fucking before your dessert, and then chew

you swallow.

Signed, Sweet Fanny.

Uh, girl, they never mentioned anything about names in that story, did they?

No, forget it.

Dear Fanny, I've always had a fantasy of being picked up by a beautiful woman.

Well, the other day my fantasy came true, and then some.

It all began when...

Yeah, you.

Come on, get in. Why not?

Thank you, big guy.

This is my lucky day.

Girls, this is not my idea of fun.

It's not your idea of fun, getting picked up?

People coming up to you going, hey, baby, do you want to ride?

Give it to me.

Did you guys cut it out? Well,

we know you like it.

I don't like it. Yeah, you want it.

Girl, no.

I don't want it now, okay? The more you say no, the more you want it.

So, you know what you came here for.

You came here to get laid, didn't you?

I came here because you asked me.

Yeah, but you're not going to get laid. You're going to get raped.

Don't worry. We'll respect you in the morning.

Pretty little bra's gonna come right off of you.

You shouldn't wear your bra so tight.

It's not my bra.

I'm not going to get into this.

Oh, you're going

to

make me cum. I'm going to cum.

Oh, no, you're not.

Oh, shit.

Fuck.

Here, try this on for size.

What size?

I'm not going to enjoy this, okay, until you untie me.

You're going to enjoy it.

You like that, don't you? No, I hate it.

Oh, man.

I don't believe this.

You're such a small dick.

Hey, fuck you.

Don't you wish.

You should have checked that out before we gave him a ride.

No, shit.

I should have checked you guys out before I got in the fucking car.

Oh,

God,

I'm gonna cum.

No, you're not. Oh, shit.

It's all yours now.

That is sweet. Oh,

fuck this shit.

Oh, baby, that's a little too tight now.

Oh, shit.

Oh, I'm coming for sure this time. I'm not telling you next time. I'm fucking

not telling you next time.

What do you think? I think we should.

Yeah, he's kind of cute.

I'm sorry for him.

We gave him a bad enough time. Why don't we go have some fun?

Yeah, let's untie him.

Now you're untied. You're free.

What are you going to do?

Get this shit off me first, okay? And find out what I'm going to do.

Okay.

You look pretty with pink legs, though.

I appreciate that.

It's kind of cute.

Put it on my face.

Come on.

Sucker, make her come.

Make her come.

Yes. Now this is having fun, okay?

You sure you didn't like it better tied up? No, I didn't like it.

You guys had me really going there for a second.

Don't we have to go in there now?

Just take it enough, huh?

She might get more than she bargains for you.

Go ahead.

Come on.

Shut my dick in your mouth. Come on.

That's it.

Oh, yeah.

Tell me.

Tell me.

Oh, you nasty little bitches.

My problem is I kind of like dressing up as a woman, and I've been haunting

lingerie shops ever since.

What shall I do, Bill?

Dear Bill, doesn't sound like a problem to me.

P .S.

If you have runs in your stockings, try using a little hairspray to stop them.

Ooh, Fanny, better read this one quick.

This lady sounds like she needs a lot of help.

Here, let me read it. Go ahead.

Dear Fanny, please help me. I just don't know what I'm going to do.

Every time I have a physical checkup by my gynecologist, he takes advantage of

me and I can't seem to stop him.

Men are such animals.

Thank God.

Do you mind? I'm trying to read.

Well, excuse me.

There I am lying on my back, my feet in the stirrups.

My legs spread apart when the next thing I know... Well, good afternoon, Miss

Knight. How are you today?

I'm fine.

All ready? Nice and comfortable?

Can you scoot down just a little bit here?

Okay, very good, very good.

Could you spread your legs? Thank you.

You certainly look like you're in the pink of health.

But we better check just to make sure.

We? You mean there's more of you? Oh, no, no, no. It's just me.

Just a little doctor expression.

We.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.

Just be still now. Be still.

Hold on. Hold on.

I think I'm okay, Doctor. I'll go. No, no, no.

You just be still now.

This is laid back. I'm not finished yet.

Now, just let me finish my job.

Maybe you would feel a little more comfortable if we had a nurse.

Yes, please.

Nurse Young?

Yes, Doc? Would you please give her a breast examination while I

finish up down here?

Certainly, Doctor. Thank you.

I am a very busy man.

My question is, should I change doctors?

Signed, Distracted.

How tacky. Take this down.

Sure.

Dear Distracted, don't worry about a thing. You're in good hands, and good

are in you.

You'll probably have the healthiest pussy in medical history.

By the way, how about giving that doctor of yours a taste of his own medicine?

Nurse Young, your job is definitely in jeopardy.

You've been poking around women for years now. It's time that you

little of it. It's my job. I went to college for eight years to learn how to

it. I've been trying to do women a favor, a service. I've been trying to

up their pussies. Shut up, you animal!

Yes, stick that in his throat.

And pick up the vibrator and start poking him like he poked you.

You'll learn. You're going to learn very quickly.

Turn it on.

Oh, yes, my pretty pet.

You're going to experience something totally new.

It's going to be my pleasure to be the one to give it to you.

You little animal.

Yes.

Just you wait.

It's going to be happening to you.

Yes, we've got a lot of big surprises in store for you, Doctor.

I've been waiting for years for this.

Absolutely years.

And I think we'll start with one little pleasure.

Yes.

Oh, marvelous, doctor.

I've never...

Why don't you suck a little of this?

Oh, yes. Nice.

Yes. Suck on that cock of his.

Nice. Yes. Make him so hard that he's schooled me to come.

Oh, God.

But we won't let him come.

Oh. Not right away. Not right away.

No, my little pet. Oh.

My little pet. Oh, yes.

Yes, you little duck.

Oh. I can't wait.

Oh.

I want you ready to blow before I let you come. Oh, God.

Yes.

But keep it hard, yes.

Yes. Robbing. Oh, yes.

Wanting to come.

I want to. I want to.

that women are the superior sex.

Right now. And you better fuck her and fuck her well.

But you will let me know, won't you, my pet?

Yes.

Get up there and fuck her. And make sure you give her pleasure.

Stick it in her.

And do it nice and slow.

Get it in there.

Yes, doctor. I'm allowing you to fuck her.

Yes. Deep into your body. You will feel the pleasure. The pleasure of a hot,

throbbing cock inside of you.

Marvelous. Fuck her.

Yes. Yes.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes

for a change.

Yes,

I want to see that cough going in and out.

Yes, maybe we should do this more often, doctor.

Yes. Yes. You enjoy.

Oh, deep.

Oh, yes. You can just feel it coming.

Oh, yes, yes.

Doctor, you cannot come.

Oh, stick your finger at my pussy.

Three of your fuck fingers into my pussy hole.

Yes. Oh, yes.

Fuck me. Finger fuck me.

Oh, God.

Stick another one in.

Stick the third finger in.

Yes. Come now, doctor.

Stick your hot, throbbing cock in my pussy.

Oh, yes.

Sweet pussy.

Oh.

Take my bra off, you animal.

Fucking cat. Take off now.

play my friends.

Everybody always writes in and tells me all about their fantasy.

But now I think it's time that we go into my fantasy.

I want to show you why they call me Dear Fanny.

Ready? Yeah, give it to me. I'll throw it inside you? Mm -hmm.

Ready?

Tickle? Oh, fuck me.

Oh, yes.

Oh, baby.

Oh, yes.

Fuck me.

Say it again.

Fuck me. Oh, yeah.

Let's see her shake it in for me, huh?

Oh, she's sucking my tumor.

Come on, both of you.

Both of you.

Oh, jeez, God, both of you.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, come on, girls, come on. Come on.

Don't forget me. Come on.

You suck it.

Let her look at it.

Let her lick it.

You suck it.

You lick it, sweetheart.

Take turns sitting on it. Come on.

I want you to sit on it, please.

Sit right down on it.

Oh, baby.

Lean back, honey.

You ready?

Oh, you two get me so fucking hot.

Sitting in my office, laying all day with each other.

Good job. Maybe I'll cover my ass, too.

Oh,

you want to see me cum?

Yeah, baby, go ahead. Oh, I'm almost there.

Almost there. Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Go ahead. Oh, good.

Oh,

yes. Oh. Want to see me cum now?

Yes. Want to see me cum? Do it.

You ready? Do it all over my face. Ready?

Just keep those cards and letters coming in.