Original subtitles

Latte!

Latte fresco di capra! Su, cammina.

Latte!

Latte fresco di capra!

and degenerate dog dangling and dangling about her as she mopes through her

dreary day.

I think it's naughty. I should say, impudent if you ask me, which I know

about to do.

Shirking her little duties again.

Disgraceful!

Marbella! Marbella!

Give us a little tea.

And not so little Bertie told me that it was none other than little Assirella

over there that told Mama we were out the night.

I never did any such thing.

I wouldn't. Believe me.

I didn't know such thing. I wouldn't. Believe me. I didn't know such thing. I

wouldn't. Believe me.

Really, Cinderella, you are such a bore.

You always force us to behave so unpleasantly to you. I think that even

most unpleasant, we're not at all that unpleasant.

Actually, are we?

Cinderella. Well, I... Talk!

You think like a snail. Honestly, one could grow old and die before you would

answer a perfectly simple question. Or what's the question? Never mind.

Whatever she would answer would be a bore.

Do you want a deer?

We mustn't forget about Cinderella's indiscretion to Mama.

It was unforgivably naughty.

She must be punished.

Must be seen.

Of course.

How else will she ever learn?

Let's see.

She can wash our dresses.

Polish every little widget. Sit up straight, girl.

Don't you fuss and don't you fidget. And I wonder if I have to face this score.

Yes, I wonder just why I was ever born.

Times when I want to cry, I'll spy a rainbow.

When life is gray, the flowers start to bloom.

when a chilling wind begins the rain flow.

I take a moment to remind me someone will come along and find me. Suddenly

I can smile away the gloom.

Cinderella, braid my hair and just for kickers. Cinderella, dart my hose and

my knicker. Cinderella, you're a good for nothing.

Fetch girl, where's my girdle?

Goodness sakes, go run and fetch girl. And I wonder, is this all I'll ever be?

Yes, I wonder, is there nothing more to see?

When I am cold, the morning sun will warm me.

When I am sad, the birds begin my song.

Sometimes my life begins to scorn me.

I take a moment to remind me. Someday he'll come along and find me. And the

time goes by and I am strong.

Sometimes I think in a wink of an eye it'll happen.

Life rearranges and changes.

Tomorrow's due.

But just when I'm...

And I thought I'd remember tomorrow And just like today, it will be on its

way too soon Say I can't be down too long or stay too

lonely For nothing can be as awful as it seems

When things go wrong, I know that I have only

To take a moment to re... Remind me someone will come along

and find me and we'll be forever

Oh, boy, oh, boy. Oh,

boy, oh, boy.

Chamberlain, Chamberlain, come here at once.

Yes, my liege?

It's a whopper. I'll summon the queen immediately.

Oh, you fool.

Fetch me my baggy pants.

I'm taking this one into town.

Good morning, your majesty.

Good morning.

Chamberlain, leave us. We have private business to discuss.

Clod.

What is it you want, your highness?

Your highness, indeed, you horny little jackass.

What do you want, my queen?

Next month, our son will reach his 21st birthday.

Well, this calls for a double celebration, I would say.

A double celebration?

Twenty -one years ago was the last time you had a royal boner.

Really?

If you'd have been in here a few minutes ago, you wouldn't be so quick to judge

me.

But I'm not talking about a Pierce Parham. Don't hurt me, don't hurt me.

Consider this pleasure.

Let's get down to business.

Now, I don't mind preparing the ball, but one thing I will not do, and I

don't know how capable you are, and that is tell him the facts of life.

The boy knows absolutely nothing about sex.

was a time when my scepter would climb, when e 'er a sweet lass came my way.

If the damsel was built, the tilt of my kilt was a bold invitation

to play.

But now the thrill's faded, his highness is jaded, I'm rather a sad royal

blow.

Girls plead for the chance to fondle my lance, and I just fall asleep in mid

-stroke. With many of them, I have tried S &M, but I get

no kick from the pain.

And though you may think I'm not one for a kink, I once made it with a

great dame.

I can't raise a bulge in my tunic Perchance I'm becoming a

eunuch Or am I headed straight for the day When I'm blissfully

happy and gay I've no more delights than King Arthur has nights

My sex life is legend to some But I've lost my touch And

I dread very much the day when my kingdom won't come.

Kingdom won't come.

My kingdom won't come.

Can't get my kingdom.

the prince can't come. My pee -pee's getting very hard.

His Majesty the King and Her Highness the Queen proclaim a great ball in

honor of the birthday of the prince who will choose a bride.

Is your father about?

My business is with him.

He's out setting beaver traps, my lord.

Beaver traps?

There's no beaver in this part of the country.

What do you call this, then, my lord?

A fern.

A bush?

A bush.

A beaver, my lord.

Beaver.

Fern. Bush. Beaver.

Bush, beaver, fern.

Then put your beaver next to her bush.

Yes, my lord.

Now that's a fern.

Here it is. Here it is, my lord.

What are you doing?

Meet two lovely birds.

Birds? Birds?

Birds? It was a hearty long journey. I thirst. I sought for water.

For you, sir.

Invitations from His Royal Highness the Prince.

Inviting your daughters to the great ball in honor of his birthday.

The Prince's ball! The Prince's ball, my little bird!

Oh, we've got a ball to go.

You're so gorgeous. You drive me insane.

And you, my lovely, I could eat you up. You're so gross.

I must come closer.

Closer, yes.

Closer.

Closer.

Closer.

and seductive are we.

Heart hunters of the highest degree.

Live luscious ladies lying in wait. We still find that it must have been fate.

and she wants to die.

It's evident no man can read this stuff.

Right from the very moment he kissed the sack of coal is a prison of love.

since we had a

and they're born again.

I don't need anything for my father!

When he returns, give him these.

What are they?

Read them.

His Royal Highness the Prince has the honor to invite your daughter to the

ball he is giving on the 13th day before...

Why, that pompous poop!

Whoa, Lump!

Stay,

Lump. You're the best trained horse in the kingdom.

I present these invitations.

We cannot wait, my lord. We cannot thank you enough.

This will be the biggest ball of them all.

You have no idea.

Majesty the King is going to do his thing.

He's going to have a royal ball.

He's unceasingly pledges to invite the social register, only if they'll come

come all.

Majesty the Queen will really dig this thing.

She's anxious for a royal bull.

It's been so many months, you see, it happened only once, you see. She wants

to be large, not small.

The kingdom will be festive with wine flowing everywhere and feasting all

around. There'll be many a buxom maiden and many a handsome lad and prodigy will

abound.

His Majesty the Prince.

This part of it makes me wet.

We'll announce in front of one and all.

He's looking for someone great to be his future mate. You see, it's simpler

words.

The Royal Ball.

Deep blue hat with a big wing.

And I'm going to wear my ruby dress.

Flattering.

I'm going to wear my blue and gold.

does need something to wear to the ball.

But first, of course, we must be wise.

Lovely fragrance bath powder.

Berry juice for her lips.

Ooh, coming along nicely.

Now, juice.

Gorgeous. Stunning.

It's you!

you, I won't sing anymore.

It could have been Charlie's Angels.

Fairy godmother.

You're my fairy godmother?

Sure am.

But where's your wings?

Wings?

Oh, my wings were clipped a long time ago.

Oh.

But isn't a fairy godmother supposed to be a woman?

Child doesn't even know what fairy means.

Why, a fairy can go both ways, Mama.

Glad to see you, of course, but you're not at all like they described you to

When I was little, I mean.

I was told that my fairy godmother was, well, fair skin.

Well, you know my sweet experience.

We follow the season. I just came from a long vacation in the island, sat in the

sun all day long.

That's why I'm a little on the dark side.

Know what I mean?

But let's talk about you.

How's Malou?

Got a job to do?

Not very well, Fairy Godmother.

You've been crying.

What's the matter, huh?

My stepmothers and stepsisters have been very mean to me lately.

Tonight's a great ball at the palace.

I know.

My stepmother threw it in a fire here in Bern.

What? Stepmother of yours? She's a real mother.

No, she's my stepmother.

I seen my father remarried before he died. No, no, no, no, no. Cool it, Mama.

They story on there. Why wouldn't they let you go to the ball, huh?

Yeah, she's dirty and ugly.

Well, I meant you do have a little crud on you.

Yes, sir.

But, oh, you know, that's nothing.

That won't.

Cheers. Oh, thank you.

Besides, I couldn't go in these rags anyway.

Never mind the rags, Mama.

And about that ugly part, you got something nobody at the bar's got.

You got this in there.

You can go to the bar naked and make them all look like frogs.

Anyway, loosen up now.

We have some goat's milk. Goat's milk? And you a fool.

Maybe your stepmother got a little something in the medicine cabinet.

Which agent?

I never heard of that.

I don't know. How about some smoked eggs? You got any crabs?

The yard's full and back.

No.

I have

looted

half the kingdom and I've stolen everything from art to zebras. They were

little zebras.

I'm not prejudiced. I've ripped off Sagittarians and Libras.

The Libras own the Zebras. If you can't keep up with the prices, I'll tell you

what this fairy's advice is.

You've got to grab it and fix it while you can. It's a living.

So stick it to the man. You've got to grab it.

Embraer is what your name is called.

I put them on the zebras. At every other trade I'm inept, so...

That is called a living. So I slip it in my pack.

With a fairy for a friend.

I've no worries until.

See that there's a happy end.

And I know the prince will.

Grab it.

And put it in the sack.

Uh -huh.

Grab.

uh -huh

I don't know what the hell it is.

I'll save it for my next garage sale.

Those people will buy anything.

Oh, is that your magic wand?

My what?

Oh, oh, of course.

That's what it is.

Uh, let's see now.

Which wand is this?

I have several of them now.

Could you, uh, could you read this?

It's a little bad in the dark.

This wand can perform miracles for good causes only.

Caution, all miracles null and void at midnight.

Keep out of reach of children.

Does it really work?

That's what it says.

Can we try it on my hair?

It's all wet and stringy.

Give it a shot.

Stand back, Mama. This is some heavy shit.

Oh, Mom.

Chitlin'. Sweet potato pie.

Change that girl.

going in no garage sale.

Hey, Conrad, you've done it.

Sure I did.

Come here, baby.

Come on to your sweet daddy.

I can't get in the palace without my invitation.

You ain't going to give up that easy.

Hostel.

Lasagna.

Italian Mara. Bring the invitation out.

Some watermelons.

Watermelons?

Yeah, I sure hate to waste one.

Now all we got to do is find some horses.

Any rats around here?

No.

Lizards? I haven't seen any all year.

But we've got lots of snails.

Snails?

Yeah, but that's sure going to be a drag.

Soon you'll be eating oats and hay.

That bag, Mama. Come on.

What for?

Do you want to tell him?

I'm just an ass and a pretty face.

But I done gave you a snapping pussy.

What for?

You'll find out soon enough.

And when you do, you'll thank me for it.

I could use a bottle of...

Hunk is.

Get on up there.

Just a moment,

my darling. Yes, my sweetheart.

You must promise me one thing, my darling. What is that, my sweetheart?

You must control your insatiable appetite tonight.

Oh, I promise not to eat any... I don't mean food, my darling. I mean, uh...

Sex! Sex, sex!

Oh, dear.

This is a very important occasion, and we cannot afford to jeopardize it.

Well, how could we possibly jeopardize the prince's birthday?

I refer to the loan our country's trying to obtain from the king.

We must be on our best behavior tonight.

Well, then you stick very close to me, darling, and you protect me. You know

the slightest little thing can just set me right off.

I will, my darling. Now, get in.

Get in.

Open the door, you fool.

Get off, Coachman.

Get off!

Darling, control yourself.

I can't.

Here.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, here. Hold my hand.

No, hold my breath.

Till. Oh.

Oh. Take your hands off me. No, no, no.

Oh.

You shall pay.

Oh, no.

Look at him.

He's gorgeous.

What do you think?

Ten inches?

Hmm, cartrute.

Eight inches. No more.

Ten. Eight.

Ten. Eight.

Nine and a half at the least.

I've met all the beautiful maidens of the kingdom.

But never have I seen you before.

I know you're a visitor from another kingdom.

No, my prince.

What is your name?

My name is Cinder. Never mind.

The night is young.

You will tell me later.

I love the mystery.

Tonight,

I dance with no one else.

I'm going to rob him.

If I can't be

king...

here today.

Creep.

And now, fair ladies, the game you've waited for all evening, but gammon.

Here are the rules.

When the pointer spins and points at a maiden, she will come behind the screen

to my bed and there bow to my wishes.

I will now put my blindfold on.

Any of you who do not wish to play the game, may live and forever

hold your peace.

Oh, Suzanne, my little chuchu, I love you.

Oh, the ears, the eyes, the eyes.

Oh,

the smile.

Friends, you're broke to you.

You play around in my gala. I'll pull your ass all over your head and make you

donut.

You skivvus. Now, get out.

Hello. Hello. Yes,

dear.

Well, he said if he wants something done, he's right to do it himself.

Thank you.

What?

What?

What?

What? What? What?

What? What?

What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What?

What? What? What? What?

The kingdom has a snapper.

A snapper. The kingdom has a snapper. Okay, man.

Snapper.

A snapper.

You know what I smell?

I smell a snapper in a pussy.

Boy, you don't got to know a snapper in a pussy.

You... It was you.

It

was

you.

King of this land, I've led an unusual life. I've run into many a beast and

witch, not the least of which is my wife. But now a young maiden has come

and she's made my spirit rise with a rare and wondrous talent that lies

her thighs.

What snapper! I'm the one to trap her.

Although I'm rather envious, I also bring with pride that lucky son of a

has found a snapper for his bride.

It's always a rare occasion when the king takes me to bed.

Once we're there, I find his sock not only in the head, but now he's...

The prince is running through the halls, behaving like a schmuck. The king is

fleeing from the queen, not anxious to be crowned. The mystery wenches are

pardoned, and she's nowhere to be found.

Oh, that snapper!

Well, a kidnapper!

The prince must now conduct a search through Hevel's homes and huts in order

retrieve the lass who sheathed the oil pot.

Thanks for watching!

If you put it sideways, it'll stay better.

Then you know what we seek.

If this glass slipper should fit one of your lovely daughters, then they will

become the bride of the prince.

That is, if they can pass the final test.

Final test?

My good man, why don't we leave the prince and your lovely daughters alone?

I'm sure they'd be more at ease that way.

Of course, my lord.

Is

it

nice there in the palace?

Would I like living there?

Yes, it's both of them.

Tell the truth, girls.

Were one of you one of the ones who led me behind that screen during our little

game last night?

Yes, we were, my prince.

When she held me within her, it was like a vice.

Her charms did indeed snap at me.

Well, mine snaps and crackles.

And mine pops.

We shall see.

We shall see.

What exactly is it that you do?

How many people would have to die before I became king?

No, no more. I've been searching for days now.

Not only can't I find my snapper, I can't find my pee -pee.

His Majesty, the prince.

Forget them.

Oh, we're so happy, my friends. Yes, we waited so long. Never mind all this.

Ladies, please.

Try the slippers. Yes.

My feet swelled up from dancing last night. I'm sure if we try tomorrow...

mind tomorrow. Give me that.

P .U.

Oh, they say the glass shrinks

at night or the daylight sometimes.

Let us be off, Chamberlain.

Not yet, my friend.

Not yet.

But there's nothing left of me.

There's one maiden left.

Don't worry about her.

My Lord, she's never had on shoes, let alone glass slippers.

Anyway, she never went to the ball.

I should say not.

But I remember giving her an invitation myself.

Come here, girl.

the slipper fits my dear what did you say your name was

my name is never mind girl it's no use it's no use

you couldn't possibly be the one what i mean is you

could hardly be the one who who possesses possesses the

No, oh You

can't

be the one no

No! You!

No! No!

No! No!

What has this man done?

Last night at the Great Ball, in your honor, my prince, he cleaned out the

palace. Furs, shawls, all manner of perfumes.

And above all, the royal jewels.

And, oh, yes, two corn cobs.

But, my dear, this is a serious performance.

him we'd never have met.

What do you think?

He's the one who gave me the snapper.

He what?

I'll release him. No more snapper.

Release that man.

He's in my protection now.

Hockey's got my back.

Here it is.

Thank you, one and all.

Wait for me, Mama.

I'm going with you. This is one time I don't mind riding in the back of the

coach.

And Cinderella lived happily ever after, thanks to my snap judgment.