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1
00:00:07,590 --> 00:00:09,590
Casey...
2
00:00:09,590 --> 00:00:11,090
guess what happened
this morning.
3
00:00:11,090 --> 00:00:12,600
Go ahead. Guess.
4
00:00:12,600 --> 00:00:13,600
Something great?
5
00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:14,600
Something really great.
6
00:00:14,600 --> 00:00:17,100
One of my regulars,
Mr. Allison, gave me
7
00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:19,100
a pair of third row tickets
8
00:00:19,100 --> 00:00:22,610
to the hottest musical
on Broadway.
9
00:00:22,610 --> 00:00:23,610
Cats!
10
00:00:23,610 --> 00:00:26,610
You really don't get
out much, do you?
11
00:00:26,610 --> 00:00:28,110
You got tickets
12
00:00:28,110 --> 00:00:30,110
to the hottest musical
on Broadway?
13
00:00:30,110 --> 00:00:31,620
You got tickets to Rent?
14
00:00:31,610 --> 00:00:32,620
Yep!
15
00:00:32,620 --> 00:00:34,620
How's it feel to be
less hip than Roy?
16
00:00:34,620 --> 00:00:36,620
Really bad.
17
00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:38,120
Chappel, I envy you.
18
00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:39,620
I am dying
to see that show.
19
00:00:39,620 --> 00:00:42,130
Why don't any of my regulars
ever give me anything?
20
00:00:42,130 --> 00:00:44,130
Hey-- you. You've flown
this airline before.
21
00:00:44,130 --> 00:00:45,630
Give me something.
22
00:00:46,630 --> 00:00:48,130
Coffee, Helen.
23
00:00:48,130 --> 00:00:50,130
Oh, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
24
00:00:50,130 --> 00:00:51,640
Make that... Fresca.
25
00:00:51,630 --> 00:00:52,640
Fresca?
26
00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:54,140
You never order Fresca.
27
00:00:54,140 --> 00:00:55,140
Exactly.
28
00:00:55,140 --> 00:00:58,140
Number 81 on my list:
29
00:00:58,140 --> 00:01:00,140
"Try Fresca."
30
00:01:00,140 --> 00:01:02,650
Are you all right, Antonio?
31
00:01:02,650 --> 00:01:05,150
You look a little
weird... er.
32
00:01:05,150 --> 00:01:06,150
Well...
33
00:01:06,150 --> 00:01:07,650
I wasn't going to say anything
34
00:01:07,650 --> 00:01:11,150
but yesterday I had
a brush with death.
35
00:01:11,150 --> 00:01:12,660
I was passing
by the video store,
36
00:01:12,660 --> 00:01:16,660
and I thought, "Hmm, I wonder
if the new Jackie Chan is in."
37
00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:20,160
I went inside and just then,
a car jumps the curb
38
00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:22,670
right where I had been standing.
39
00:01:22,670 --> 00:01:25,670
If I wasn't such a big Chan fan,
I'd be dead.
40
00:01:26,170 --> 00:01:28,670
And you two would be weeping
right now--
41
00:01:29,170 --> 00:01:30,670
weeping at my funeral.
42
00:01:30,670 --> 00:01:32,180
Actually, she'd be weeping.
43
00:01:32,180 --> 00:01:33,680
I've got tickets to Rent.
44
00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:35,180
Anyway, I made a list
45
00:01:35,180 --> 00:01:37,180
of all the things
I've never done
46
00:01:37,180 --> 00:01:39,180
that I want to do before I die.
47
00:01:39,180 --> 00:01:42,190
And Fresca
made the cut?
48
00:01:42,190 --> 00:01:46,190
It feels wonderful to...
to stop putting things off
49
00:01:46,190 --> 00:01:48,190
and just... just go for it.
50
00:01:57,700 --> 00:01:58,700
Okay. Tried it.
51
00:01:58,700 --> 00:02:00,700
For instance,
I realized
52
00:02:00,700 --> 00:02:02,210
I've never told certain people
53
00:02:02,710 --> 00:02:03,710
how much they meant to me
54
00:02:03,710 --> 00:02:06,210
so last night,
I just picked up the phone.
55
00:02:06,210 --> 00:02:08,710
You wouldn't believe
the response I got.
56
00:02:08,710 --> 00:02:10,210
If you ever call me
57
00:02:10,210 --> 00:02:11,720
at 2:00 a.m. again,
58
00:02:11,710 --> 00:02:12,720
I will kill you.
59
00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:15,220
Then... I will hurt you.
60
00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:21,220
He won't admit it but, uh...
I touched him.
61
00:02:28,730 --> 00:02:31,230
Hey! Guess where
we're going tonight?
62
00:02:31,230 --> 00:02:32,240
Whoa...
63
00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:33,240
Joe...
64
00:02:33,740 --> 00:02:34,740
what did I tell you
65
00:02:34,740 --> 00:02:36,740
about going out for shooters
with Fay?
66
00:02:36,740 --> 00:02:38,240
No, no, Helen, I was driving
to work this morning
67
00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:39,240
and I suddenly got really dizzy,
68
00:02:39,740 --> 00:02:41,740
so I stopped by Dr. Grant's
and it turns out
69
00:02:41,740 --> 00:02:43,750
I've got an inner ear infection.
70
00:02:43,750 --> 00:02:45,750
My equilibrium
is completely messed up.
71
00:02:45,750 --> 00:02:47,250
Oh, honey.
72
00:02:47,250 --> 00:02:48,750
Well, he's a terrific doctor.
73
00:02:48,750 --> 00:02:51,750
Just do everything he says
and you'll be better in no time.
74
00:02:52,260 --> 00:02:53,260
He says I can't fly
for three days.
75
00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:55,260
Oh, what does that quack know?
76
00:02:55,260 --> 00:02:58,760
You have to fly. We're going
to New York tonight to see Rent.
77
00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:00,260
We are?
78
00:03:00,260 --> 00:03:02,270
Yeah, one of my customers
gave us free tickets.
79
00:03:02,270 --> 00:03:04,270
Wow, that's supposed to be
a great show.
80
00:03:04,270 --> 00:03:05,270
I don't feel sick.
81
00:03:05,270 --> 00:03:06,770
I guess I'll be okay.
82
00:03:06,770 --> 00:03:08,270
That's the spirit.
83
00:03:11,770 --> 00:03:14,280
See that? You got
right back up.
84
00:03:15,780 --> 00:03:18,280
I guess we can go
some other time.
85
00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:19,780
Sure we can.
86
00:03:19,780 --> 00:03:21,280
Oh, that's not what
you're supposed to say.
87
00:03:21,280 --> 00:03:23,290
When I say, "We can
go some other time,"
88
00:03:23,290 --> 00:03:25,290
you're supposed to say,
"No, honey, I'll be fine.
89
00:03:25,290 --> 00:03:26,790
You go with someone else."
90
00:03:26,790 --> 00:03:28,790
Helen, I told you...
91
00:03:28,790 --> 00:03:31,290
you have to give me a signal
when you speak in code.
92
00:03:31,290 --> 00:03:33,300
Let's see, who am
I going to take?
93
00:03:33,300 --> 00:03:34,300
Casey's got to work.
94
00:03:34,300 --> 00:03:36,300
Fay has already seen it.
95
00:03:36,300 --> 00:03:38,800
(over P.A.):
I want to go, I want to go,
I want to go, please!
96
00:03:40,300 --> 00:03:42,810
Brian.
97
00:03:42,810 --> 00:03:44,810
Brian, tell me you're
not doing anything tonight.
98
00:03:44,810 --> 00:03:46,810
Well, I had a date, but...
99
00:03:46,810 --> 00:03:49,810
something happened in front
of a video store so...
100
00:03:49,810 --> 00:03:51,310
I'm free.
101
00:03:51,310 --> 00:03:54,320
Great! We are going
to New York.
102
00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:56,320
I've got tickets
to see Rent.
103
00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:57,820
Rent! Wait,
I've heard of that.
104
00:03:57,820 --> 00:03:58,820
That's like a musical,
isn't it?
105
00:03:58,820 --> 00:04:00,820
Yeah, only the hottest
one on Broadway.
106
00:04:00,820 --> 00:04:02,330
Isn't it exciting?
107
00:04:02,330 --> 00:04:04,330
No. I hate musicals.
108
00:04:04,330 --> 00:04:05,830
Except for Cats.
109
00:04:05,830 --> 00:04:07,330
I love Cats.
110
00:04:07,330 --> 00:04:08,830
Why don't you take Joe?
111
00:04:08,830 --> 00:04:09,830
Oh, he's sick.
112
00:04:09,830 --> 00:04:11,830
(mock crying):
Wha-wha-wha.
113
00:04:11,830 --> 00:04:13,840
Come on, I don't have
anyone else to go with.
114
00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:15,840
(over P.A.):
Take me, take me, take me,
please.
115
00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:18,840
Brian, we never hang out,
116
00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:21,340
you know, just you and me,
since Joe and I got married.
117
00:04:21,340 --> 00:04:23,850
It'll be a chance for us
to spend some time together
118
00:04:23,850 --> 00:04:25,850
and the whole evening's on me.
119
00:04:25,850 --> 00:04:27,350
What do you say?
120
00:04:28,350 --> 00:04:29,850
Any nudity?
121
00:04:29,850 --> 00:04:31,850
I guess I could wear
that sheer blouse...
122
00:04:31,850 --> 00:04:34,360
Not you.
I'm talking about the musical.
123
00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:35,860
If I have to watch
people sing,
124
00:04:35,860 --> 00:04:37,360
I at least want to watch
them sing naked.
125
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:39,860
Well, I don't know
if there's any nudity,
126
00:04:39,860 --> 00:04:40,860
but it is New York
127
00:04:40,860 --> 00:04:43,370
so I'm sure
there's nudity close by.
128
00:04:43,370 --> 00:04:44,870
Oh... all right.
129
00:04:44,870 --> 00:04:45,870
Oh, good.
130
00:04:45,870 --> 00:04:46,870
Thank you.
131
00:04:47,870 --> 00:04:50,370
I hate you, I hate you,
I hate you.
132
00:04:54,380 --> 00:04:56,380
I don't have a good
feeling about this.
133
00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:59,880
Nobody's nude in any
of these posters.
134
00:04:59,880 --> 00:05:01,380
WOMAN:
Next.
135
00:05:01,380 --> 00:05:02,390
Can I help you?
136
00:05:02,390 --> 00:05:03,890
Hi. Yes.
137
00:05:03,890 --> 00:05:06,390
You're holding tickets for me
under the name "Allison."
138
00:05:06,390 --> 00:05:07,890
Here they are--
two for Allison.
139
00:05:07,890 --> 00:05:08,890
Some I.D., please.
140
00:05:08,890 --> 00:05:10,890
Oh, certainly.
141
00:05:10,890 --> 00:05:12,900
Is the show as good
as they say it is?
142
00:05:12,900 --> 00:05:14,900
You'll be transported.
143
00:05:14,900 --> 00:05:16,900
This says Helen Hackett.
144
00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:17,900
Yes. That's me...
145
00:05:17,900 --> 00:05:20,400
these tickets are
for William Allison.
146
00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:21,910
He gave them to me.
147
00:05:21,900 --> 00:05:22,910
It was
a credit card purchase.
148
00:05:22,910 --> 00:05:25,410
I can only release them
to the proper holdee.
149
00:05:27,410 --> 00:05:28,410
The holdee?
150
00:05:28,910 --> 00:05:30,410
The holdee
gave them to me
151
00:05:30,410 --> 00:05:32,420
so I'm the holdee,
so please give me
my tickets.
152
00:05:32,420 --> 00:05:34,420
You don't have
any tickets. Next!
153
00:05:34,420 --> 00:05:35,420
(bell dings)
Oh...
154
00:05:35,420 --> 00:05:36,920
Look, it's about to start.
155
00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:38,420
How about I just pay for them?
156
00:05:38,420 --> 00:05:39,920
They're already paid for.
157
00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:41,420
Next!
158
00:05:41,420 --> 00:05:42,430
Would you please
quit saying "Next."
159
00:05:42,430 --> 00:05:43,930
There's nobody
standing behind me.
160
00:05:43,930 --> 00:05:45,430
Oh. So there isn't.
161
00:05:45,430 --> 00:05:46,930
No...! wait!
162
00:05:46,930 --> 00:05:49,430
Nothing like the taste
of a New York street dog.
163
00:05:49,430 --> 00:05:51,940
Two, three days in that water
really seals in the flavor.
164
00:05:51,930 --> 00:05:53,940
Brian, they won't
release the tickets,
165
00:05:53,940 --> 00:05:55,440
and it's all sold out.
166
00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:58,940
Hmm. Well...
167
00:05:58,940 --> 00:06:01,440
there's a place
across the street, Knobs.
168
00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:03,450
They got a show
every 20 minutes.
169
00:06:03,950 --> 00:06:05,950
I can't believe
this is happening.
170
00:06:05,950 --> 00:06:07,450
I wanted to see Rent.
171
00:06:07,450 --> 00:06:09,950
All right, all right,
don't get so upset now.
172
00:06:09,950 --> 00:06:12,460
Was the rigatoni
not out of this world?
173
00:06:12,460 --> 00:06:15,460
Didn't I tell you that chef
was a culinary genius?
174
00:06:15,460 --> 00:06:16,960
Come with me,
come with me.
175
00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:18,460
Why?
Now just get
in there.
176
00:06:18,460 --> 00:06:20,460
BRIAN:
So I says to him,
I says, "Darling,
177
00:06:20,460 --> 00:06:24,470
better you should leave him now
while you still got your looks."
178
00:06:24,470 --> 00:06:27,470
Well... the evening doesn't
have to be a total loss.
179
00:06:29,470 --> 00:06:31,980
We can still catch
the 8:20 at Knobs.
180
00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:38,480
(doorbell rings)
181
00:06:43,990 --> 00:06:44,990
Hey, Joe.
182
00:06:45,490 --> 00:06:46,490
Antonio, what are
you doing here?
183
00:06:46,490 --> 00:06:48,990
I remembered Helen was
going to be away tonight,
184
00:06:48,990 --> 00:06:53,500
and it suddenly hit me--
number 57 on my list:
185
00:06:53,500 --> 00:06:55,000
"Get closer to my friend Joe."
186
00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:59,500
Wow. That's going to be
easier than I thought.
187
00:06:59,500 --> 00:07:01,500
No, no... you don't understand.
188
00:07:01,500 --> 00:07:04,510
I have this crazy inner ear
thing and my equilibrium...
189
00:07:04,510 --> 00:07:06,010
No, no. I understand.
190
00:07:06,010 --> 00:07:09,010
You're uncomfortable
with intimacy. Yeah...
191
00:07:09,510 --> 00:07:11,510
Now, before that car
nearly flattened me,
192
00:07:11,510 --> 00:07:13,520
I was, too,
but not anymore
193
00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:16,020
and I'm not leaving
here until I can put
194
00:07:16,020 --> 00:07:20,020
a great big check mark
next to number 57.
195
00:07:20,020 --> 00:07:22,020
Okay, okay, but only
for a few minutes
196
00:07:22,020 --> 00:07:23,530
and no touchy-feely stuff.
197
00:07:23,530 --> 00:07:24,530
Verbal closeness only.
198
00:07:25,030 --> 00:07:27,030
Okay, tell me everything.
199
00:07:27,030 --> 00:07:32,540
How you feel... your hopes,
your dreams, your fears...
200
00:07:32,540 --> 00:07:35,540
Tired. Hungry.
Winning the lottery. Snakes.
201
00:07:35,540 --> 00:07:38,540
There, now you know more
about me than Helen.
202
00:07:38,540 --> 00:07:42,550
I-I see this is going
to be tough for you.
203
00:07:42,550 --> 00:07:47,550
So, uh... I'll get the
intimacy ball rolling.
204
00:07:47,550 --> 00:07:51,550
Let me tell you
about my first time.
205
00:07:51,550 --> 00:07:55,060
I was 14... she was 61.
206
00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,060
Okay, that's it.
207
00:07:58,060 --> 00:08:00,060
When she led me
to her room,
208
00:08:00,060 --> 00:08:02,570
I couldn't help but notice
how her teeth
209
00:08:02,570 --> 00:08:04,570
glistened in the moonlight--
210
00:08:04,570 --> 00:08:07,570
in the glass
on her nightstand.
Oh!
211
00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:10,070
Wait! I'm not finished.
Yes, you are.
212
00:08:10,070 --> 00:08:12,580
No, no, no, no.
That's what I said to her.
213
00:08:12,580 --> 00:08:13,580
"Wait! I'm not finished!"
214
00:08:13,580 --> 00:08:15,580
It's all part
of the... oh, my God.
215
00:08:15,580 --> 00:08:17,080
Ow.
Oh, my God, Joe.
216
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:19,080
My back, my back.
I can't move.
217
00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:21,080
Okay, here. I'm here.
218
00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:22,080
I'm here. Don't worry.
219
00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:23,590
Let me help you.
220
00:08:23,590 --> 00:08:25,090
Oh, come on.
221
00:08:25,090 --> 00:08:26,590
Let's get you
comfortable.
222
00:08:26,590 --> 00:08:27,590
Here.
223
00:08:27,590 --> 00:08:29,090
(groaning)
224
00:08:29,090 --> 00:08:30,090
Okay.
225
00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:37,100
Anyway, where was I?
226
00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:38,100
Oh, yeah.
227
00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:41,600
She took me by the hand.
228
00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:44,110
She led me to the bed.
229
00:08:44,110 --> 00:08:49,610
I will never forget how...
how aroused I was
230
00:08:49,610 --> 00:08:52,620
at the sight of her...
her flaming red hair...
231
00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:57,120
...across the room
on that wig stand.
232
00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:02,120
It's not fair.
233
00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:03,630
We came all the way
to New York for nothing.
234
00:09:03,630 --> 00:09:05,130
Come on, Helen.
235
00:09:05,130 --> 00:09:08,630
It's you and me, you know,
just like the old days.
236
00:09:08,630 --> 00:09:10,130
I thought that's
what you wanted.
237
00:09:10,130 --> 00:09:11,130
No. I wanted to see Rent.
238
00:09:11,130 --> 00:09:12,640
I just said all that
other stuff so you'd come.
239
00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:15,140
I know. I only came
because you were paying.
240
00:09:15,140 --> 00:09:17,140
But you know what?
241
00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:19,140
I'm glad I did.
242
00:09:19,140 --> 00:09:20,140
I tell you what...
243
00:09:20,140 --> 00:09:23,150
why don't we go and
have a little dinner
244
00:09:23,150 --> 00:09:26,150
and walk around the city,
and it'll be fun.
245
00:09:26,150 --> 00:09:27,150
You think?
246
00:09:27,150 --> 00:09:29,150
Tonight there's not
another person
247
00:09:29,150 --> 00:09:31,150
in the world I'd rather
be with than you.
248
00:09:31,150 --> 00:09:33,160
Excuse me.
249
00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:34,660
Well, hello there.
250
00:09:34,660 --> 00:09:35,660
My kitty
251
00:09:35,660 --> 00:09:38,160
knocked my shoe
off the window sill
252
00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:39,660
and I'd come get it
253
00:09:39,660 --> 00:09:41,660
but I just got out
of a hot bath
254
00:09:41,660 --> 00:09:46,170
and as you can see,
I've hardly got a stitch on.
255
00:09:46,170 --> 00:09:47,170
Sorry, but we're....
256
00:09:47,170 --> 00:09:48,670
On my way!
257
00:09:48,670 --> 00:09:51,170
Hey, hey.... you're just
going to leave me out here?
258
00:09:51,670 --> 00:09:53,180
It's two lousy minutes.
259
00:09:53,180 --> 00:09:54,680
Have you no compassion?
260
00:09:54,680 --> 00:09:57,180
The naked woman
has no shoe.
261
00:09:57,180 --> 00:10:00,180
MAN:
Okay, everybody,
here we go.
262
00:10:00,180 --> 00:10:01,680
Keep your eye on
the red queen.
263
00:10:01,680 --> 00:10:02,690
Just follow
the red lady.
264
00:10:02,690 --> 00:10:06,190
Point to the honey,
double your money.
265
00:10:06,190 --> 00:10:07,690
No!
266
00:10:07,690 --> 00:10:10,190
No, it's not that one.
267
00:10:10,190 --> 00:10:11,690
Well, you're
pretty good,
268
00:10:11,690 --> 00:10:12,700
pretty lady.
269
00:10:12,700 --> 00:10:14,200
Want to try your luck?
270
00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:17,200
Me? Uh, no. No, I'm just...
271
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:19,700
Oh, what the hell.
Deal 'em up, baby.
272
00:10:19,700 --> 00:10:22,210
Oh, no. All I have
is a hundred.
273
00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:23,710
I've got change.
274
00:10:24,710 --> 00:10:29,210
Um, I'm going to bet 20.
275
00:10:31,210 --> 00:10:33,220
Keep your eye
on the red queen.
276
00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:34,720
Just follow the red lady.
277
00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:37,220
Point to the honey,
double your money.
278
00:10:37,220 --> 00:10:39,220
(yelling):
I won! I won!
279
00:10:39,220 --> 00:10:41,220
I won.
280
00:10:41,220 --> 00:10:44,230
Uh, aren't we
forgetting something?
281
00:10:46,730 --> 00:10:49,230
That's better.
282
00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:54,740
Hey, Brian... Brian, I won.
283
00:10:54,740 --> 00:10:55,740
I won. I won.
284
00:10:55,740 --> 00:10:56,740
I... what's wrong
with you?
285
00:10:56,740 --> 00:10:58,740
I saw things...
286
00:10:58,740 --> 00:11:00,240
What things?
287
00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:02,240
Bad things.
288
00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:06,750
It was like Roy's basement,
only... there were more jars.
289
00:11:06,750 --> 00:11:08,250
Serves you right
for ditching me.
290
00:11:08,250 --> 00:11:10,750
You should have played
three-card monte like I did.
291
00:11:10,750 --> 00:11:12,260
Three-card monte?
292
00:11:12,250 --> 00:11:13,260
That's right.
293
00:11:13,260 --> 00:11:14,760
I played, and I won.
294
00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:17,260
I've always been
really lucky at cards.
295
00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:18,760
Oh, yeah.
296
00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:20,760
Oh... you've been lucky,
all right.
297
00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:22,270
Hey, since when
298
00:11:22,260 --> 00:11:24,770
did they start putting
Barney Rubble on 20s?
299
00:11:27,770 --> 00:11:29,770
Hey, this money isn't real.
300
00:11:29,770 --> 00:11:32,780
Hey, you got these
mean streets wired, sister.
301
00:11:32,780 --> 00:11:36,280
Well, he's not
getting away with this.
302
00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:38,780
Hey...
303
00:11:38,780 --> 00:11:40,280
He's gone.
304
00:11:40,280 --> 00:11:41,280
You're kidding.
305
00:11:42,790 --> 00:11:44,290
These crooks today!
306
00:11:44,290 --> 00:11:46,290
What are we going to do-- that
was all the money I brought.
307
00:11:46,290 --> 00:11:47,290
All right, all right,
don't panic.
308
00:11:47,290 --> 00:11:50,290
Ah, how about we use
your credit cards?
309
00:11:50,290 --> 00:11:51,790
I didn't bring them
310
00:11:51,790 --> 00:11:53,300
because I didn't want to risk
them getting stolen.
311
00:11:53,300 --> 00:11:55,800
Uh-huh. There's them
street smarts again. Good.
312
00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:57,300
Hey, I got a crazy idea.
313
00:11:57,800 --> 00:11:59,300
Why don't we use
some of your cash.
314
00:11:59,300 --> 00:12:00,300
What cash?
315
00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:01,800
I don't have any cash on me.
316
00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:03,810
Tonight was supposed
to be on you.
317
00:12:03,810 --> 00:12:05,810
Here, look. What do I got?
318
00:12:05,810 --> 00:12:08,310
Huh? I got 39 cents...
319
00:12:08,310 --> 00:12:10,810
and something from
that girl's apartment.
320
00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:14,820
Look, there's a phone.
321
00:12:14,820 --> 00:12:15,820
We'll just call Joe
322
00:12:15,820 --> 00:12:17,820
and have him
wire us some money.
323
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:20,820
Oh, he's so lucky he's
at home relaxing tonight.
324
00:12:20,820 --> 00:12:23,830
What I wouldn't give
to switch places with him.
325
00:12:23,830 --> 00:12:26,830
Well, of course, the minute
the doctor told me
326
00:12:26,830 --> 00:12:28,830
it could be a threat
to her health,
327
00:12:28,830 --> 00:12:30,330
we had to stop doing it.
328
00:12:30,330 --> 00:12:31,330
Stop!
329
00:12:31,330 --> 00:12:33,840
Stop telling me
these stories.
330
00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:34,840
(groaning)
331
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:38,840
See? See, you've
hurt yourself again.
332
00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:41,840
Now, the doctor feels,
and I concur,
333
00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:43,850
that if you want
to get rid of these spasms,
334
00:12:43,850 --> 00:12:45,850
you need to relax.
335
00:12:45,850 --> 00:12:46,850
(phone ringing)
336
00:12:46,850 --> 00:12:50,350
That means no
distractions,
337
00:12:50,350 --> 00:12:53,860
no intrusions, and
no phone calls.
338
00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:55,360
Did he say anything
339
00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:57,860
about obnoxious, bizarre,
psychotic visitors?
340
00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:00,860
Don't worry, none of those
are getting past me.
341
00:13:02,870 --> 00:13:03,870
Thank you, operator.
342
00:13:03,870 --> 00:13:05,870
Oh, Joe must have
unplugged the phone
343
00:13:05,870 --> 00:13:07,370
so he wouldn't be disturbed.
344
00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:08,870
Wait till I get home.
345
00:13:08,870 --> 00:13:10,370
I'm going to
disturb him good.
346
00:13:10,370 --> 00:13:11,870
This is ridiculous.
347
00:13:11,870 --> 00:13:13,380
All we need
is a little money
348
00:13:13,380 --> 00:13:16,380
to take the subway
to the airport, that's all.
349
00:13:16,380 --> 00:13:18,380
Oh, wait, wait,
I got it, I got it.
350
00:13:18,380 --> 00:13:19,880
Excuse me, sir.
351
00:13:19,880 --> 00:13:21,880
My sister and I
are stranded and...
352
00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:23,390
Hi. We're from Ohio.
353
00:13:23,390 --> 00:13:24,890
My wife hasn't
eaten in a week...
354
00:13:24,890 --> 00:13:27,390
Hey, Mac, this hooker
just ripped me off.
355
00:13:27,390 --> 00:13:28,890
Brian...
356
00:13:28,890 --> 00:13:31,390
Hey, at least she's
got a freakin' job!
357
00:13:31,390 --> 00:13:33,400
Ya bum!
358
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:38,900
Now what?
359
00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:42,910
I'm cold, I'm tired,
I'm hungry...
360
00:13:42,910 --> 00:13:44,910
(distant thunder rumbling)
361
00:13:47,410 --> 00:13:49,410
And now I'm wet.
362
00:13:49,410 --> 00:13:51,410
God, this is
all your fault!
363
00:13:51,410 --> 00:13:52,920
What? The rain
is my fault?
364
00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:54,420
Why is the rain my fault?
365
00:13:54,420 --> 00:13:55,920
Oh, don't pull that
innocent act on me.
366
00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:58,920
You know
what you did!
367
00:14:02,930 --> 00:14:05,930
Brian, you dragged me
through that big puddle.
368
00:14:05,930 --> 00:14:08,430
Didn't you hear me saying,
"Let go of my hand."
369
00:14:08,430 --> 00:14:11,430
Well, I thought you
were saying "ham."
370
00:14:11,930 --> 00:14:13,440
"Let go of my ham."
371
00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:14,940
Oh, right.
372
00:14:14,940 --> 00:14:17,440
That ham I've been
carrying around all night.
373
00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:20,440
Hey, hey, hey,
$20 apiece.
374
00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:22,440
Aw...
$20 just to get in?
375
00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:23,950
It's a cover charge.
376
00:14:23,950 --> 00:14:26,950
Unless you're entering
the talent contest.
377
00:14:26,950 --> 00:14:27,950
Uh, yeah. Yeah.
378
00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:29,450
We're here for
the talent contest.
379
00:14:29,450 --> 00:14:32,960
That's why were here,
because we got... talent.
380
00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:34,960
Okay.
381
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:37,460
Good luck.
382
00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:38,460
Are you crazy?
383
00:14:38,460 --> 00:14:39,960
Now we're going
to have to perform.
384
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:41,460
So what?
385
00:14:41,460 --> 00:14:42,970
We'll go on last, we'll
sing "Muskrat Love"
386
00:14:42,970 --> 00:14:43,970
and we'll lose.
387
00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:46,470
Meanwhile, it's
dry in here.
388
00:14:46,470 --> 00:14:48,470
Oh, hello.
389
00:14:48,470 --> 00:14:51,470
Yeah... now there's
some real talent.
390
00:14:51,470 --> 00:14:54,480
Brian, this is
a drag club.
391
00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:55,480
What the heck are
you talking about?
392
00:14:55,480 --> 00:15:00,980
Why would all these
women be at a drag club?
393
00:15:00,980 --> 00:15:02,990
Oh.
394
00:15:02,990 --> 00:15:03,990
Come on, let's
get out of here.
395
00:15:03,990 --> 00:15:05,490
Wait a second,
wait a second, Helen.
396
00:15:05,490 --> 00:15:07,990
Look-- first prize
is 250 bucks.
397
00:15:07,990 --> 00:15:10,990
With that we could pay
our way out of New York.
398
00:15:10,990 --> 00:15:12,500
Did you read
the sign, Brian?
399
00:15:12,490 --> 00:15:14,500
$250 For the
best drag queen.
400
00:15:14,500 --> 00:15:15,500
Do you really think
we could be able
401
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:17,000
to pass you off
as a woman?
402
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:19,000
No, but we just
might be able
403
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:22,000
to pass you off as one.
404
00:15:30,010 --> 00:15:35,020
Good evening, and welcome
to Drag Queen for a Day night.
405
00:15:35,020 --> 00:15:36,520
I'm Bella DeBall,
406
00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:39,020
your hostess
for our little star search
407
00:15:39,020 --> 00:15:41,520
which each week
asks the musical question,
408
00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:45,030
"Dear God, how much longer
is this damn show?"
409
00:15:45,030 --> 00:15:46,530
(laughing)
410
00:15:46,530 --> 00:15:48,530
Forget it, Brian.
The answer's no.
411
00:15:48,530 --> 00:15:51,530
Helen, Helen, Helen, do you want
to sleep in an alley tonight?
412
00:15:51,530 --> 00:15:53,540
This is our only shot.
I know, but I can't.
413
00:15:53,540 --> 00:15:55,040
Of course you can.
It's in the bag.
414
00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:56,540
Who here is going to be
a better woman than you?
415
00:15:59,540 --> 00:16:02,040
Maybe he won't enter.
416
00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:04,050
Okay, talent,
this is your last chance
417
00:16:04,050 --> 00:16:05,050
to enter the contest.
418
00:16:05,050 --> 00:16:09,050
Speak now or forever
hold your hairpiece.
419
00:16:09,050 --> 00:16:12,050
Course, if they find out
that you're really a woman,
420
00:16:12,050 --> 00:16:14,560
it's all over,
so remember, you're a woman
421
00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:17,560
pretending to be a man
pretending to be a woman.
422
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:18,560
Okay?
423
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:20,060
Bella, over here!
424
00:16:20,060 --> 00:16:21,060
Woman, man, woman. Shh.
425
00:16:21,060 --> 00:16:22,570
Well, hey there.
426
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:25,070
I don't think I've seen
you in here before.
427
00:16:25,070 --> 00:16:26,070
Oh, well, no.
428
00:16:26,070 --> 00:16:28,070
(lowering voice):
Uh, no.
429
00:16:28,070 --> 00:16:30,070
Uh, it's my first time.
430
00:16:30,070 --> 00:16:32,580
Oh, well don't worry,
honey, you'll do fine.
431
00:16:32,570 --> 00:16:33,580
Name.
432
00:16:33,580 --> 00:16:35,080
Uh, He...
433
00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:36,580
Henry.
434
00:16:36,580 --> 00:16:38,080
Henry is her name.
435
00:16:38,580 --> 00:16:39,580
Henry...
Henry.
436
00:16:39,580 --> 00:16:41,080
Is my name.
Call me Hank.
437
00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:42,590
(deep laughter)
438
00:16:42,580 --> 00:16:43,590
I meant your
drag name.
439
00:16:44,090 --> 00:16:44,590
My drag name?
440
00:16:45,090 --> 00:16:46,590
My drag name...
441
00:16:46,590 --> 00:16:47,590
is Helen.
442
00:16:47,590 --> 00:16:49,090
Oh, no, no, no, no.
443
00:16:49,090 --> 00:16:51,090
"Helen" says all
the wrong things--
444
00:16:51,090 --> 00:16:53,600
cashier, file clerk,
soccer mom.
445
00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:55,600
What it doesn't
say is "magic".
446
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,100
We can help it along.
447
00:16:57,100 --> 00:16:59,100
Now what are you
going to wear?
448
00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:02,600
Well, well, does this
say anything?
449
00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:05,110
Yeah, but let's
not listen to it.
450
00:17:05,110 --> 00:17:06,610
I might have
451
00:17:06,610 --> 00:17:08,610
a little something in
back that could work.
452
00:17:08,610 --> 00:17:10,110
Well, um,
I don't know.
453
00:17:10,110 --> 00:17:13,120
Maybe we should just
forget the whole thing.
454
00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:14,120
(gasps): No, doll.
(snaps fingers)
455
00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:16,120
You can't quit
before you start.
456
00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:18,120
You know, it's
all just attitude.
457
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:19,620
It's attitude,
shoulders
458
00:17:19,620 --> 00:17:21,120
and a big finish.
459
00:17:21,120 --> 00:17:22,120
Now you come with me.
460
00:17:22,120 --> 00:17:25,630
Ms. Bella's going to
turn you into a diva.
461
00:17:29,130 --> 00:17:32,130
You won't have to
pay for it here, pal.
462
00:17:32,130 --> 00:17:34,640
This place is babe city.
463
00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:35,640
(laughing)
464
00:17:42,140 --> 00:17:45,150
No, I've really opened
up about myself tonight
465
00:17:45,150 --> 00:17:47,650
and I think it's
time you shared
466
00:17:47,650 --> 00:17:50,150
some stories about
your personal life.
467
00:17:50,150 --> 00:17:53,160
But I don't have
those kinds of stories.
468
00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:55,160
I never dated
my grandmother's friend,
469
00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:57,160
I never made love on a gurney
470
00:17:57,160 --> 00:18:00,160
and no part of me has ever
swelled up to twice its size.
471
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:02,160
In other words,
I'm normal.
472
00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:04,670
No... no.
473
00:18:04,670 --> 00:18:06,670
What you are...
474
00:18:06,670 --> 00:18:09,670
is blocked!
475
00:18:09,670 --> 00:18:12,170
And I'm not moving...
476
00:18:12,170 --> 00:18:15,180
till I hear some stories!
477
00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:18,180
But I don't have...
478
00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:22,180
You know what, Antonio?
479
00:18:22,180 --> 00:18:23,190
Maybe you're right.
480
00:18:23,190 --> 00:18:25,190
Maybe I am
a little blocked.
481
00:18:25,190 --> 00:18:26,190
Why don't you, um...
482
00:18:26,190 --> 00:18:28,690
why don't you please
go to the kitchen
483
00:18:28,690 --> 00:18:30,190
and make us up
some hot cocoa
484
00:18:30,190 --> 00:18:32,700
and I'll try to dig
a little deeper.
485
00:18:32,690 --> 00:18:34,200
Back in a jiff.
486
00:18:36,700 --> 00:18:38,700
(grunts)
487
00:18:48,710 --> 00:18:52,710
That's very bad...
488
00:18:52,710 --> 00:18:56,220
for your back, Mr. Man.
489
00:18:56,220 --> 00:18:57,220
I-I was just...
I-I was...
490
00:18:57,220 --> 00:18:58,720
Someone might try to call,
491
00:18:58,720 --> 00:18:59,720
and I...
492
00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:00,720
(screaming)
493
00:19:04,730 --> 00:19:05,730
Wow.
494
00:19:05,730 --> 00:19:08,730
I mean, I know from
beautiful women,
495
00:19:08,730 --> 00:19:10,230
and you are just...
496
00:19:10,230 --> 00:19:13,240
Really?
497
00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:15,740
Well, your friend's
up next.
498
00:19:15,740 --> 00:19:17,240
Do you think
he has a chance?
499
00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:19,240
Who knows? I did what I could,
but there's only so much
500
00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:20,740
raw material there
to work with.
501
00:19:20,740 --> 00:19:23,750
Now, you,
you're a natural.
502
00:19:23,750 --> 00:19:25,750
You've got great
bone structure.
503
00:19:25,750 --> 00:19:26,750
Me?
504
00:19:26,750 --> 00:19:28,250
Come on.
505
00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:29,250
Yeah.
506
00:19:29,250 --> 00:19:31,250
And shoulders for days.
507
00:19:31,250 --> 00:19:32,760
You I could make a star.
We should talk.
508
00:19:36,260 --> 00:19:37,260
All right, everyone,
509
00:19:37,260 --> 00:19:38,760
let's put those big telltale
hands together
510
00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:43,770
for our last entry, the fabulous
Miss Helena Handbasket.
511
00:19:43,770 --> 00:19:44,770
(hooting)
512
00:19:44,770 --> 00:19:47,270
(piano flourish)
513
00:19:49,270 --> 00:19:50,770
(lip-synching):
At first I was afraid
514
00:19:50,770 --> 00:19:52,270
I was petrified
515
00:19:52,270 --> 00:19:54,780
Kept thinking
I could never live
516
00:19:54,780 --> 00:19:56,780
Without you by my side
517
00:19:56,780 --> 00:19:58,780
But then I spent
so many nights
518
00:19:58,780 --> 00:20:00,780
Thinking how you
did me wrong
519
00:20:00,780 --> 00:20:02,780
And I grew strong
520
00:20:02,780 --> 00:20:04,790
And I learned how
to get along
521
00:20:04,790 --> 00:20:05,790
And so you're back
522
00:20:05,790 --> 00:20:06,790
Attitude and shoulders.
523
00:20:07,290 --> 00:20:09,290
Yeah, attitude
and shoulders.
524
00:20:09,290 --> 00:20:11,290
I just walked in
to find you here
525
00:20:11,290 --> 00:20:13,300
With that sad look
upon your face
526
00:20:13,300 --> 00:20:15,300
I should've changed
that stupid lock
527
00:20:15,300 --> 00:20:16,800
I should've made you
leave your key
528
00:20:17,300 --> 00:20:19,300
If I'd have known
for just one second
529
00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:21,300
You'd be back to bother me
530
00:20:21,300 --> 00:20:23,310
Go on now, go
531
00:20:23,310 --> 00:20:24,810
Walk out the door
532
00:20:24,810 --> 00:20:26,810
Just turn around now
533
00:20:26,810 --> 00:20:29,310
'Cause you're not
welcome anymore
534
00:20:29,310 --> 00:20:31,310
Weren't you the one
535
00:20:31,310 --> 00:20:33,820
Who tried to hurt me
with good-bye
536
00:20:33,820 --> 00:20:35,820
Did you think I'd crumble?
537
00:20:35,820 --> 00:20:37,820
Did you think
I'd lay down and die?
538
00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:39,320
Oh, no, not I
539
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:41,820
I will survive
540
00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:44,330
Oh, as long as I know
how to love
541
00:20:44,330 --> 00:20:45,830
I know I'm still alive
542
00:20:45,830 --> 00:20:47,830
I've got all my life
to live
543
00:20:47,830 --> 00:20:49,830
And I've got all my love
to give
544
00:20:49,830 --> 00:20:52,330
And I'll survive
545
00:20:52,330 --> 00:20:53,840
I will survive
546
00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:55,340
Hey, hey.
547
00:20:55,340 --> 00:20:56,340
(music stops)
548
00:20:56,340 --> 00:20:59,340
(howling)
Miss Thang! Yes!
549
00:20:59,340 --> 00:21:03,350
At last the time has come
to cast your vote.
550
00:21:03,350 --> 00:21:05,850
Who will be our
drag queen for a day?
551
00:21:05,850 --> 00:21:09,350
Will it be
Miss Eva Destruction?
552
00:21:09,350 --> 00:21:10,850
(applause)
553
00:21:10,850 --> 00:21:13,860
Will it be
Miss Helena Handbasket?
554
00:21:13,860 --> 00:21:16,360
(applause)
555
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:19,860
Or will it be
556
00:21:19,860 --> 00:21:21,860
Miss Ginger Vitis?
557
00:21:21,860 --> 00:21:24,370
(enthusiastic applause)
558
00:21:24,370 --> 00:21:25,870
Well, it's
a no-brainer
559
00:21:25,870 --> 00:21:26,870
which is
a good thing
560
00:21:26,870 --> 00:21:28,870
because so is
Miss Ginger.
561
00:21:30,370 --> 00:21:32,880
Man... can you believe it?
562
00:21:32,870 --> 00:21:34,380
Miss Ginger Vitis beat me
563
00:21:34,380 --> 00:21:36,380
with that tired old
"New York, New York."
564
00:21:36,380 --> 00:21:39,380
I mean, Liza? Please--
that's groundbreaking.
565
00:21:39,380 --> 00:21:40,380
Hold on there,
Miss Runner-up.
566
00:21:40,380 --> 00:21:42,380
Don't forget your
consolation prize.
567
00:21:42,380 --> 00:21:43,890
Ooh, consolation
prize!
568
00:21:43,890 --> 00:21:46,890
Two tickets to the hottest
musical on Broadway.
569
00:21:46,890 --> 00:21:48,390
Rent!
570
00:21:48,390 --> 00:21:49,390
All right, all right.
571
00:21:49,390 --> 00:21:51,390
Now we can sell these
tickets and get on home.
572
00:21:51,390 --> 00:21:52,390
Are you kidding?
I am not leaving New York
573
00:21:52,890 --> 00:21:53,900
without seeing Rent.
574
00:21:53,900 --> 00:21:57,400
You need money? Honey, you
start spreading the news.
39352
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