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1
00:00:08,590 --> 00:00:10,590
Oh! Here, Antonio,
2
00:00:10,590 --> 00:00:13,100
let me help you
with that.
3
00:00:13,100 --> 00:00:14,600
Wow. That's heavy.
4
00:00:15,100 --> 00:00:16,100
What's in here?
5
00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:18,600
All that remains
of my late uncle Bernardo.
6
00:00:18,600 --> 00:00:19,600
Ah!
7
00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:21,100
I hope we've learned
8
00:00:21,100 --> 00:00:23,610
a little something
about volunteering.
9
00:00:23,610 --> 00:00:25,610
No, no. These are
his personal effects.
10
00:00:25,610 --> 00:00:27,110
My family wanted me
to have them.
11
00:00:27,110 --> 00:00:29,610
They always said
Uncle Bernardo and I
12
00:00:29,610 --> 00:00:31,110
were alike in so many ways.
13
00:00:31,110 --> 00:00:32,120
Oh. That's sweet.
14
00:00:32,620 --> 00:00:33,620
What did he do?
15
00:00:33,620 --> 00:00:36,620
Uh, he was a poor,
pathetic wretch of a man.
16
00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:39,120
He cut hair for 50 years,
17
00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:41,630
lived in one room
behind his shop
18
00:00:41,620 --> 00:00:43,130
never married and died alone.
19
00:00:43,630 --> 00:00:45,130
I don't know
if you look like him
20
00:00:45,130 --> 00:00:47,130
but you sure got
the lifestyle down.
21
00:00:47,130 --> 00:00:50,130
Well, let's see
what priceless family heirlooms
22
00:00:50,130 --> 00:00:51,130
I've inherited.
23
00:00:53,140 --> 00:00:54,640
Some old letters...
24
00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:58,140
Ah. His old arch supports...
25
00:00:58,140 --> 00:01:00,140
Oh. They're scented.
26
00:01:00,140 --> 00:01:01,650
You're right.
27
00:01:08,650 --> 00:01:11,150
No. No, Antonio, the letters.
28
00:01:11,150 --> 00:01:14,660
And lovely handwriting,
signed "con amore."
29
00:01:14,660 --> 00:01:17,160
Apparently your uncle was having
quite an affair
30
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:19,160
with some woman named "Gina."
31
00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:20,160
No way.
32
00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:21,670
Yeah.
33
00:01:21,660 --> 00:01:23,170
Let me see that.
34
00:01:23,170 --> 00:01:26,670
"G. Lollobrigida"?
35
00:01:26,670 --> 00:01:28,170
Oh, my God!
36
00:01:28,170 --> 00:01:29,670
Gina!
37
00:01:29,670 --> 00:01:31,170
Gina Lollobrigida!
38
00:01:31,170 --> 00:01:34,180
These are love letters
from Gina Lollobrigida!
39
00:01:34,180 --> 00:01:35,680
When I was growing up,
40
00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:38,180
she did make a movie
in the next town
41
00:01:38,180 --> 00:01:40,180
and Bernardo used
to go and watch.
42
00:01:40,180 --> 00:01:41,690
What's going on?
43
00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:42,690
Well,
44
00:01:42,690 --> 00:01:45,190
it seems my Uncle Bernardo
45
00:01:45,190 --> 00:01:48,190
was having an affair
with Gina Lollobrigida.
46
00:01:48,190 --> 00:01:50,190
( wheezing laugh )
47
00:01:50,190 --> 00:01:53,200
Your uncle and the sexiest
movie star in Italy?
48
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:54,700
Well, I'm not surprised.
49
00:01:54,700 --> 00:01:58,200
Did I ever tell you
about my mom and Warren Beatty?
50
00:01:59,700 --> 00:02:02,210
That's still going on, you know.
51
00:02:07,710 --> 00:02:09,710
Oh, did I ever
tell y'all
52
00:02:09,710 --> 00:02:11,710
about the time
that Michael Dukakis
53
00:02:12,220 --> 00:02:13,220
was running
for president
54
00:02:13,220 --> 00:02:15,220
and his cousin, Olympia Dukakis
55
00:02:15,220 --> 00:02:16,720
came into this very airport
56
00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:19,220
sat on that very stool
and said
57
00:02:19,220 --> 00:02:20,720
"Great cup of coffee."
58
00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:22,230
"Are you sure
you're not Greek?"
59
00:02:22,230 --> 00:02:24,230
I told you that already?
60
00:02:24,230 --> 00:02:26,230
Look, we live
on this little island.
61
00:02:26,230 --> 00:02:28,230
We see each other
every day.
62
00:02:28,230 --> 00:02:29,230
Let's face it:
63
00:02:29,230 --> 00:02:30,730
We have absolutely
nothing new
64
00:02:30,730 --> 00:02:31,730
to tell each other.
65
00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:33,240
Hey, Joe.
66
00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,240
Oh, Helen,
did I tell you we got
67
00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:37,240
the neighbors' mail
by mistake?
68
00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:37,740
Really?!
69
00:02:37,740 --> 00:02:38,740
Sit right down.
70
00:02:38,740 --> 00:02:40,240
Tell us all about it.
71
00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:43,750
Well, okay. I guess
it is pretty interesting.
72
00:02:43,750 --> 00:02:45,750
Well, it all started out
this morning
73
00:02:45,750 --> 00:02:48,250
when I went out to get the mail.
74
00:02:48,250 --> 00:02:51,250
The first letter I opened
was from the electric company
75
00:02:51,250 --> 00:02:55,260
and I thought, we do not average
80 kilowatt-hours a month.
76
00:02:55,260 --> 00:02:56,760
Then I realized...
77
00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:01,260
...it was a two-month bill.
78
00:03:02,770 --> 00:03:04,770
So she thought
you were Greek, huh?
79
00:03:04,770 --> 00:03:05,770
Those were her very words.
80
00:03:05,770 --> 00:03:07,270
Sat right there.
81
00:03:07,270 --> 00:03:08,770
Wait, wait, you didn't
let me get to the best part.
82
00:03:09,270 --> 00:03:11,780
Really? You mean you can
top that kilowatt thing?
83
00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:13,780
Well, listen, I took the
mail over to the neighbors,
84
00:03:13,780 --> 00:03:14,780
we got to talking.
85
00:03:14,780 --> 00:03:16,280
They seemed like
nice people
86
00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:18,280
so I invited them
over to dinner tonight.
87
00:03:18,780 --> 00:03:20,280
That's great.
That's a good idea.
88
00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:22,290
I want to get to know
our neighbors
89
00:03:22,290 --> 00:03:24,290
and do all that great
neighbor stuff,
90
00:03:24,290 --> 00:03:25,790
like having them
borrow our lawn mower
91
00:03:25,790 --> 00:03:28,790
or feed our dog,
or watch our kids.
92
00:03:28,790 --> 00:03:29,790
FAY:
I have a nice neighbor,
93
00:03:29,790 --> 00:03:31,790
Old Mrs. Babcock.
94
00:03:31,790 --> 00:03:34,800
A lovely widow.
We've been friends for years.
95
00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:36,800
Well, at least I thought we were
96
00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:38,800
but lately,
she's been snubbing me.
97
00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:41,300
I haven't seen or spoken to her
in weeks.
98
00:03:41,300 --> 00:03:43,310
I've left messages
on her machine.
99
00:03:43,310 --> 00:03:44,810
She doesn't call back.
100
00:03:44,810 --> 00:03:46,810
I pound and pound on her door,
no answer.
101
00:03:46,810 --> 00:03:48,310
Newspapers are piling up.
102
00:03:48,810 --> 00:03:50,810
The TV is on
24 hours a day
103
00:03:50,810 --> 00:03:53,320
like she can't
just get up and...
104
00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:02,330
Excuse me.
105
00:04:03,830 --> 00:04:04,830
Hello, there.
106
00:04:04,830 --> 00:04:05,830
What's up?
107
00:04:05,830 --> 00:04:07,330
Oh, nothing much.
108
00:04:07,330 --> 00:04:08,830
I met the people
who live next door.
109
00:04:08,830 --> 00:04:10,830
Yeah, he invited them
over for dinner.
110
00:04:10,830 --> 00:04:12,840
Oh, no. No, no.
Big mistake. Big mistake.
111
00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:14,840
You get too friendly
with your neighbors,
112
00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:16,840
you never get rid of them.
113
00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:18,340
Here, observe:
114
00:04:18,340 --> 00:04:21,340
The only correct way
to greet a neighbor, all right?
115
00:04:22,350 --> 00:04:23,850
Yeah.
116
00:04:23,850 --> 00:04:26,350
Well, Brian, they're
coming over. That's it.
117
00:04:26,350 --> 00:04:27,850
Well, I mean,
I live there, too, you know.
118
00:04:28,350 --> 00:04:29,850
Don't make me put my foot down.
119
00:04:29,850 --> 00:04:31,850
Put your foot down?
120
00:04:31,850 --> 00:04:32,860
All I'm saying is...
121
00:04:32,860 --> 00:04:34,360
No, no. Listen--
122
00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:35,860
you are a guest in my house.
123
00:04:35,860 --> 00:04:36,860
You have no say.
124
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:38,360
You have no foot.
125
00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:38,860
But...
126
00:04:38,860 --> 00:04:41,360
You have no "but."
127
00:04:41,860 --> 00:04:44,870
Uh, Joe, I'll be back
in about an hour.
128
00:04:44,870 --> 00:04:46,370
Where you going?
129
00:04:46,370 --> 00:04:51,370
I have to go downtown
and... identify something.
130
00:04:57,380 --> 00:04:59,880
And Ms. Olympia Dukakis
sat right there,
131
00:04:59,880 --> 00:05:01,380
and she said,
"Great cup of coffee."
132
00:05:01,380 --> 00:05:02,890
are you sure
you're not Greek?
133
00:05:02,890 --> 00:05:05,390
( laughing )
134
00:05:07,390 --> 00:05:09,890
That's wonderful.
135
00:05:11,390 --> 00:05:13,900
Barbara, I've got
to tell you something--
136
00:05:13,900 --> 00:05:16,900
this is the best peach cobbler
I have ever had.
137
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:18,400
Oh, please call me Babs.
138
00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:20,900
And I have a teensy
confession to make:
139
00:05:20,900 --> 00:05:23,410
I found out peach cobbler
was your favorite
140
00:05:23,410 --> 00:05:26,410
form your lovely wife,
who's just a peach herself.
141
00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:27,910
Oh, stop.
142
00:05:27,910 --> 00:05:28,910
Thanks, Babs.
143
00:05:28,910 --> 00:05:30,410
More coffee?
144
00:05:30,410 --> 00:05:31,410
Love some!
Love some!
145
00:05:31,410 --> 00:05:32,420
Oh!
Oh!
146
00:05:32,420 --> 00:05:34,420
( laughing )
147
00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:38,420
Oh, Brian, hey.
148
00:05:38,420 --> 00:05:40,920
Uh, Steve, Barbara,
this is my brother, Brian.
149
00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:41,920
Hi, brian.
Hi, brian.
150
00:05:43,430 --> 00:05:44,430
Yeah.
151
00:05:45,930 --> 00:05:46,930
He seems nice.
152
00:05:46,930 --> 00:05:48,430
Yes, he does.
153
00:05:48,430 --> 00:05:50,430
Well, look, we hate
to call it an evening
154
00:05:50,430 --> 00:05:53,440
but we've got to kind of
get up early tomorrow, so...
155
00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:55,940
Thank you for such
a wonderful time.
156
00:05:55,940 --> 00:05:58,440
That Dukakis story
is a killer.
157
00:05:58,440 --> 00:05:59,940
STEVE:
Oh, geez,
I almost forgot.
158
00:05:59,940 --> 00:06:01,440
Uh, in case
of an emergency,
159
00:06:01,940 --> 00:06:04,950
um, we'd like you guys
to have a set of our keys.
160
00:06:05,950 --> 00:06:07,450
Oh, oh. Okay.
Are you sure?
161
00:06:07,450 --> 00:06:10,450
Joe, yeah. Sure,
we'll take your keys.
162
00:06:10,450 --> 00:06:11,450
Great.
163
00:06:13,460 --> 00:06:16,960
And, uh, now,
how about yours?
164
00:06:18,460 --> 00:06:19,460
Ou-Ours..?
165
00:06:19,460 --> 00:06:20,960
Oh. I mean, I guess...
166
00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:22,470
Well, we totally understand.
167
00:06:22,470 --> 00:06:25,470
I mean, if you don't,
you know... trust us... yet.
168
00:06:25,470 --> 00:06:27,470
Oh, no. No, of course.
169
00:06:27,470 --> 00:06:29,470
Let me... let me
get you a set.
170
00:06:29,470 --> 00:06:31,470
Well, if you can't
trust your neighbors....
171
00:06:31,470 --> 00:06:32,980
STEVE:
That's right!
172
00:06:32,980 --> 00:06:34,480
Terrific. Buddy.
173
00:06:34,980 --> 00:06:35,480
Big guy.
174
00:06:35,980 --> 00:06:36,480
Come here.
175
00:06:36,980 --> 00:06:39,480
Helen.
176
00:06:39,980 --> 00:06:41,480
And you come
here. Come on.
177
00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:43,490
Babs.
178
00:06:43,490 --> 00:06:43,990
Night.
179
00:06:43,990 --> 00:06:44,990
Bye-bye.
180
00:06:44,990 --> 00:06:45,990
Good night.
Take care.
181
00:06:45,990 --> 00:06:46,990
Thanks again.
182
00:06:47,990 --> 00:06:49,990
Joe! We have neighbors!
183
00:06:49,990 --> 00:06:50,990
Yes, we sure do.
184
00:06:50,990 --> 00:06:54,500
You think it was
just a little weird, though,
185
00:06:54,500 --> 00:06:55,500
that we exchanged keys?
186
00:06:55,500 --> 00:06:56,500
I mean, we just met them.
187
00:06:56,500 --> 00:06:58,000
Joe, I know these people.
188
00:06:58,000 --> 00:06:59,500
They're honest people.
189
00:06:59,500 --> 00:07:01,000
They're good people.
190
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:02,510
They're people
that appreciate
191
00:07:02,510 --> 00:07:04,010
a good Dukakis story.
192
00:07:04,010 --> 00:07:05,510
Yeah, I guess you're right.
193
00:07:05,510 --> 00:07:07,010
Anyway, it's like
Steve said--
194
00:07:07,010 --> 00:07:09,010
it's only in case
of an emergency.
195
00:07:09,010 --> 00:07:10,010
Oh! Geez.
196
00:07:10,010 --> 00:07:11,510
Oh, honey.
197
00:07:11,510 --> 00:07:13,520
Darn it. I just bought
these pants.
198
00:07:14,020 --> 00:07:16,520
Take 'em off, and I'll just
throw 'em in the washer.
199
00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:18,020
( key turns in lock )
200
00:07:18,020 --> 00:07:19,020
oh.
201
00:07:19,020 --> 00:07:20,020
Uh...
202
00:07:23,030 --> 00:07:24,530
We almost forgot.
203
00:07:24,530 --> 00:07:26,030
Uh, tomorrow night.
Our place.
204
00:07:26,030 --> 00:07:27,030
8:00 sharp.
205
00:07:27,030 --> 00:07:28,030
Don't be late.
206
00:07:28,030 --> 00:07:29,030
Giddy-up, big guy.
207
00:07:29,030 --> 00:07:30,030
( clicks tongue )
208
00:07:42,550 --> 00:07:45,050
So, uh... we're on
for tomorrow?
209
00:07:45,050 --> 00:07:46,550
I can't believe
I'm going out with a man
210
00:07:46,550 --> 00:07:48,050
I just met in a cab.
211
00:07:48,050 --> 00:07:50,550
Yeah, but you never met
a Scarpacci before.
212
00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:55,560
A domani.
213
00:07:57,060 --> 00:07:58,060
Ciao.
214
00:08:02,570 --> 00:08:04,570
Oh, close your mouths.
215
00:08:06,570 --> 00:08:09,070
I'm simply following
in the footsteps
216
00:08:09,070 --> 00:08:10,570
of that legendary lover...
217
00:08:11,070 --> 00:08:12,580
Uncle Bernardo.
218
00:08:14,080 --> 00:08:17,580
It's all in the genes, baby.
219
00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:20,080
Uncle Bernardo had it,
I've got it,
220
00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:23,090
and tomorrow night...
221
00:08:23,090 --> 00:08:25,090
I'm giving it away.
222
00:08:28,590 --> 00:08:32,600
Ah! Joey, guess where
we're going tonight.
223
00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:36,600
( playing blues lick )
224
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:39,100
Our separate ways?
225
00:08:39,100 --> 00:08:41,100
No. I've got four tickets
to the blues festival
226
00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:43,110
in Boston tonight,
so what do you say--
227
00:08:43,110 --> 00:08:44,610
you, me, Casey,
and Helen go...
228
00:08:44,610 --> 00:08:46,110
Sorry, but Helen and I
229
00:08:46,110 --> 00:08:48,110
are doing something
with the neighbors.
230
00:08:48,110 --> 00:08:49,610
Two nights in a row?
231
00:08:49,610 --> 00:08:51,110
No, you can't
do this, Joe.
232
00:08:51,110 --> 00:08:52,620
You cannot do this.
233
00:08:52,620 --> 00:08:53,620
You're turning into
a suburban geek.
234
00:08:53,620 --> 00:08:57,620
You're one step away from
hosting a Tupperware party.
235
00:08:57,620 --> 00:08:59,120
( knock at door )
236
00:08:59,620 --> 00:09:01,620
Hiya, buddy boy.
237
00:09:01,620 --> 00:09:03,130
Hey, Steve, come on in.
238
00:09:03,130 --> 00:09:04,630
Oh, hi, Brian.
239
00:09:05,630 --> 00:09:07,630
( grunting ):
Yeah.
240
00:09:09,130 --> 00:09:11,630
He's okay.
241
00:09:11,630 --> 00:09:12,640
Hey, what's up, man?
242
00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:15,140
Well, uh, I know
we're on for tonight
243
00:09:15,140 --> 00:09:16,640
and everything,
but, uh...
244
00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:20,140
well, I just couldn't
wait to give you this.
245
00:09:20,140 --> 00:09:21,640
Wow!
246
00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:23,150
CDs!
247
00:09:23,150 --> 00:09:24,150
Mm-hmm.
248
00:09:25,650 --> 00:09:28,650
"Peaches and Herb"!
249
00:09:30,650 --> 00:09:32,160
This is so great.
250
00:09:32,150 --> 00:09:34,660
Hey, listen, if
there's ever something
I can do for you...
251
00:09:34,660 --> 00:09:36,660
Oh, come on, please.
That's not what this is about.
252
00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:38,160
Don't worry about it.
Oh, great,
Well, okay, then,
253
00:09:38,660 --> 00:09:40,160
I guess I'll see you...
Well, maybe there
is something.
254
00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:41,660
Sure. If there's something
I can help you with.
255
00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:44,670
I need five grand
by Tuesday.
256
00:09:44,670 --> 00:09:46,170
Wha-What?
257
00:09:46,170 --> 00:09:48,670
How did I get in so deep?
258
00:09:48,670 --> 00:09:50,170
Oh!
259
00:09:50,170 --> 00:09:52,170
I'm weak! I'm weak!
That's what it...
260
00:09:52,170 --> 00:09:53,180
I'm sorry, man.
261
00:09:53,180 --> 00:09:55,680
I don't want to lay
this on you, really.
262
00:09:55,680 --> 00:09:57,180
Okay. Well...
263
00:09:57,180 --> 00:09:58,680
thanks for the CDs.
264
00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:01,180
It's, uh...
it's gambling, Joe.
265
00:10:01,180 --> 00:10:04,690
I got myself a little problem
with the ponies.
266
00:10:04,690 --> 00:10:07,190
Well, that... sounds really bad.
267
00:10:07,690 --> 00:10:08,190
Hey, hey...
268
00:10:08,690 --> 00:10:10,190
don't you judge me, man.
269
00:10:10,690 --> 00:10:11,690
Okay?
270
00:10:11,690 --> 00:10:12,700
Listen, I just think
271
00:10:12,700 --> 00:10:14,700
that maybe you should
talk to Barbara.
272
00:10:14,700 --> 00:10:15,700
Barbara? No!
273
00:10:15,700 --> 00:10:18,200
Are you crazy? Barbara?
274
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:20,700
If Barbara found out,
she'd leave me.
275
00:10:20,700 --> 00:10:22,210
Don't you understand?
276
00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:24,710
You're the only one
in the world I can turn to.
277
00:10:24,710 --> 00:10:27,710
Okay, listen, Steve, I
can sympathize with
your dilemma...
278
00:10:27,710 --> 00:10:29,710
Yeah, here comes
the big "but", right? Okay.
279
00:10:29,710 --> 00:10:32,220
No, no, no. No "buts"...
280
00:10:32,210 --> 00:10:34,720
but with the new house
and all the expenses...
281
00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:36,220
Yeah, right. Okay, look--
282
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:39,220
I'm gonna be fine. I'm sure I
can tap-dance for these goons
283
00:10:39,220 --> 00:10:40,720
a little bit longer.
284
00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:43,230
I mean, it's not like we're
totally out of silverware.
285
00:10:43,230 --> 00:10:45,230
I could probably melt down
another spoon or two.
286
00:10:45,230 --> 00:10:46,730
That's fine.
287
00:10:46,730 --> 00:10:49,230
Okay. That sounds
like a plan.
288
00:10:49,230 --> 00:10:52,230
Okay, shake it off, Stevie,
shake it off.
289
00:10:52,230 --> 00:10:53,240
There you go.
290
00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:54,240
( sighing ):
Okay.
291
00:10:54,740 --> 00:10:56,240
Ah, well... great.
292
00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:57,740
I'm looking forward
to tonight.
293
00:10:57,740 --> 00:10:58,740
Yeah, uh, Steve...
294
00:10:58,740 --> 00:10:59,740
about tonight...
295
00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:02,240
What about it?
296
00:11:03,750 --> 00:11:06,250
About... 8:00?
297
00:11:06,250 --> 00:11:07,750
Let's make it 7:30.
298
00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:10,250
You and me can catch
the end of the game.
299
00:11:10,250 --> 00:11:13,260
I got two big ones
riding on it... my legs.
300
00:11:16,260 --> 00:11:18,260
( doorbell rings )
301
00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:23,770
I hope you don't mind--
I just saw you get home.
302
00:11:23,770 --> 00:11:25,770
I thought we could have
a little tea
303
00:11:25,770 --> 00:11:27,270
and blackberry jam together.
304
00:11:27,270 --> 00:11:29,270
Oh, wow! I love
blackberry jam.
305
00:11:29,270 --> 00:11:31,770
I hope you didn't go
to too much trouble.
306
00:11:31,770 --> 00:11:32,780
Oh, please.
307
00:11:32,780 --> 00:11:34,280
I use the "open
kettle" method.
308
00:11:34,780 --> 00:11:36,280
What's four hours
out of the day?
309
00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:37,280
No biggie.
310
00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:38,780
Open kettle method?
311
00:11:38,780 --> 00:11:40,780
I usually just open a jar.
312
00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:42,790
( both giggling )
313
00:11:42,790 --> 00:11:44,790
This is nice...
314
00:11:44,790 --> 00:11:46,790
Helen?
Mm-hmm?
315
00:11:46,790 --> 00:11:48,790
Can I ask you
something?
Surely.
316
00:11:48,790 --> 00:11:50,790
How often do you and Joe
have intercourse?
317
00:11:53,300 --> 00:11:57,300
Steve hasn't touched
me in ten months.
318
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:00,300
Toast point?
319
00:12:00,300 --> 00:12:01,800
Thanks.
320
00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:03,310
Can I get an
honest opinion?
321
00:12:03,310 --> 00:12:04,810
Sure.
322
00:12:04,810 --> 00:12:06,810
You think my breasts
are too small?
323
00:12:08,310 --> 00:12:11,310
Mmm... no, no, no.
324
00:12:11,310 --> 00:12:12,820
Okay, you can go ahead
325
00:12:12,820 --> 00:12:15,320
and cover those
babies up now.
326
00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:18,320
Now you sound
like Steve.
327
00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:22,320
You okay?
328
00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:23,830
You seem a little nervous.
329
00:12:23,830 --> 00:12:25,330
Uh-uh.
330
00:12:25,330 --> 00:12:27,830
Oh, wait a minute...
331
00:12:27,830 --> 00:12:31,330
okay... this all
makes sense now.
332
00:12:31,330 --> 00:12:35,340
You're boinkin' Steve,
aren't you?
333
00:12:35,340 --> 00:12:37,340
Oh, would you listen
to me? My God!
334
00:12:37,340 --> 00:12:39,840
Where would you have
the time for Steve
335
00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:41,840
what, with you and
Joe going at it
all the time?
336
00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:43,850
What?
337
00:12:43,850 --> 00:12:45,350
Oh, I've been watching.
338
00:12:45,350 --> 00:12:48,850
I see those bedroom lights
going off around 10:00
339
00:12:48,850 --> 00:12:51,850
and that glow I see
isn't from the TV--
340
00:12:52,350 --> 00:12:53,860
winky, winky.
341
00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:55,860
Helen, you would not believe...
342
00:12:55,860 --> 00:12:57,360
oh... hi, Babs.
343
00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:58,360
Hi, Joe.
344
00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:00,360
Oh, my gosh, what am I
doing sitting here?
345
00:13:00,860 --> 00:13:03,370
People are coming over
for dinner in a couple of hours.
346
00:13:03,870 --> 00:13:05,370
I got to get home
and baste the bird.
347
00:13:05,870 --> 00:13:08,370
Oh! Better bring
your own spoons.
348
00:13:08,370 --> 00:13:10,870
I seem to be running short.
349
00:13:10,870 --> 00:13:12,880
Listen to me--
350
00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:14,880
I know how much
you like Babs...
No, listen to me....
351
00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:17,880
No, no, no, listen, listen--
her husband is a psychopath
352
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:21,380
whose only redeeming quality
is his taste in music.
353
00:13:21,380 --> 00:13:23,390
She is crazier than he is.
354
00:13:23,390 --> 00:13:25,390
What-- really?
Are you sure?
355
00:13:25,390 --> 00:13:26,390
Trust me. I know Babs.
356
00:13:26,390 --> 00:13:28,390
I know more than I want
to know about Babs.
357
00:13:28,390 --> 00:13:30,890
I know Babs' boobs.
358
00:13:30,890 --> 00:13:31,890
Okay, all right.
359
00:13:31,890 --> 00:13:33,900
That's enough information.
360
00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:35,900
We got to stop this dinner.
361
00:13:35,900 --> 00:13:36,900
There's no way we're spending
another evening
362
00:13:36,900 --> 00:13:37,900
with these people.
363
00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:39,400
How are we gonna get out of it?
364
00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:41,400
Well, I think
that's pretty simple.
365
00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:43,410
We just make up an excuse,
and we stay home.
366
00:13:43,410 --> 00:13:44,910
No. They'll see through it.
367
00:13:45,410 --> 00:13:46,410
They watch us, Joe.
368
00:13:46,410 --> 00:13:48,910
They watch us real good.
369
00:13:48,910 --> 00:13:50,910
All right, then we'll say
that you have a sick aunt,
370
00:13:50,910 --> 00:13:52,920
and we'll go spend the night
in Boston.
371
00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:53,920
No. We are not gonna let
372
00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:55,420
those horrible people
373
00:13:55,420 --> 00:13:57,420
force us to spend the night
away from our home.
374
00:13:57,420 --> 00:13:58,420
You know what?
You're absolutely right.
375
00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:00,420
We're not going to let them
push us around
376
00:14:00,420 --> 00:14:01,920
and take away our dignity.
377
00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:05,430
HELEN:
I can't believe we are
sneaking into our own house.
378
00:14:05,430 --> 00:14:06,930
How's your leg?
379
00:14:06,930 --> 00:14:08,930
It's bad, Joe.
380
00:14:08,930 --> 00:14:11,430
The Hendersons' dog
really clamped on.
381
00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:16,440
No, no, no!
382
00:14:16,940 --> 00:14:17,940
No lights.
383
00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:19,440
Oh, yeah.
384
00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:20,940
Do you think they bought the
sick aunt story?
385
00:14:20,940 --> 00:14:23,450
Yeah, sure.
Why wouldn't they?
386
00:14:23,450 --> 00:14:24,950
(latch clicking)
387
00:14:24,950 --> 00:14:25,950
Freeze, scum!
Right there!
388
00:14:25,950 --> 00:14:28,450
One more step
and your brains
are on the wall!
389
00:14:28,450 --> 00:14:29,950
Okay, on the floor,
spread-eagled!
390
00:14:29,950 --> 00:14:30,950
Move it! Now!
Now! Now! Now!
391
00:14:30,950 --> 00:14:32,460
Hands up where
I can see 'em.
392
00:14:32,450 --> 00:14:33,960
All right,
cuff 'em, Babs.
393
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:34,960
Wait a minute!
Wait, don't shoot!
394
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:36,460
Don't shoot. It's us.
395
00:14:36,460 --> 00:14:39,460
All right,
hold your fire.
396
00:14:39,460 --> 00:14:41,460
It's Helen and Joe!
397
00:14:41,460 --> 00:14:43,970
Hi, neighbors.
398
00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:45,470
What are you guys
doing back?
399
00:14:45,470 --> 00:14:46,970
I thought you
said you'd be
away all night.
400
00:14:46,970 --> 00:14:49,970
Um...
Uh... well...
401
00:14:49,970 --> 00:14:50,970
Good news.
402
00:14:50,970 --> 00:14:51,970
Yeah.
403
00:14:51,970 --> 00:14:53,480
Uh, Aunt Sophie died,
404
00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:55,980
so there was no sense
in hanging around.
405
00:14:55,980 --> 00:14:57,980
Uh-huh, okay.
406
00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:00,480
Well, I think I know
what's going on here.
407
00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:03,990
You people just wanted out
of the evening, didn't you?
408
00:15:03,990 --> 00:15:05,990
There's no dead Aunt
Sophie, is there?
409
00:15:05,990 --> 00:15:06,990
Well...
410
00:15:06,990 --> 00:15:08,490
Is there?!
411
00:15:08,490 --> 00:15:10,490
Listen, we're
very sorry.
412
00:15:10,490 --> 00:15:11,990
We didn't mean to...
413
00:15:12,490 --> 00:15:14,000
Hey, whoa-- save it,
sister, okay?
414
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:17,000
You want to be those kind
of neighbors? Well, fine.
415
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:19,500
We can be those kind
of neighbors too.
416
00:15:22,500 --> 00:15:24,010
Sweet dreams.
417
00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:36,020
Hello, friends.
418
00:15:36,020 --> 00:15:39,020
Is the, uh, 2:00 flight
from Boston on time?
419
00:15:39,020 --> 00:15:40,520
I think so.
420
00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:42,520
Are you expecting someone?
421
00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:44,530
Just a little lady
who's fallen victim
422
00:15:44,530 --> 00:15:46,030
to the legendary
Scarpacci charm.
423
00:15:46,030 --> 00:15:48,530
Antonio, what a beautiful watch.
424
00:15:48,530 --> 00:15:50,030
Where'd you get it?
425
00:15:50,030 --> 00:15:52,540
It's just part
of the legacy left me
426
00:15:52,530 --> 00:15:54,540
by my late great Uncle Bernardo.
427
00:15:54,540 --> 00:15:56,540
There's a compartment
in the back
428
00:15:56,540 --> 00:15:58,040
and it has a picture inside.
429
00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:00,040
Really? I didn't
even notice.
430
00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:02,040
Ah, there's
Uncle Bernardo.
431
00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:04,550
That hound.
432
00:16:04,550 --> 00:16:07,050
Who's the guy next to him
with his arm around him?
433
00:16:07,050 --> 00:16:09,550
My, what a handsome man.
434
00:16:09,550 --> 00:16:11,050
Oh. Look.
435
00:16:11,050 --> 00:16:13,560
There's something written
on the back.
436
00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:15,060
"My darling Bernardo,
437
00:16:15,060 --> 00:16:19,560
our love will last
till the end of time."
438
00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:23,570
"Forever yours, Gino."
439
00:16:26,570 --> 00:16:29,570
Let me see that.
440
00:16:29,570 --> 00:16:31,570
( laughing ):
Oh, sure.
441
00:16:31,570 --> 00:16:34,080
Your uncle was having an affair
442
00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:37,080
with Gino Lollobrigida,
not Gina.
443
00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:38,580
( laughing )
444
00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:43,090
Gino?
445
00:16:44,590 --> 00:16:47,090
Not Gina?
446
00:16:51,090 --> 00:16:53,600
That's... that's not as good.
447
00:17:00,100 --> 00:17:01,600
Joe.
448
00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:04,110
Don't shoot!
449
00:17:04,110 --> 00:17:05,610
No, honey.
It's just me.
450
00:17:05,610 --> 00:17:06,610
I'm sorry.
I'm just tired
451
00:17:07,110 --> 00:17:08,610
from guarding the house
last night.
452
00:17:09,110 --> 00:17:10,610
About 4:00 a.m.,
a car backfired.
453
00:17:11,110 --> 00:17:13,620
I beat the crap
out of a lawn jockey.
454
00:17:13,620 --> 00:17:18,120
Oh, man, that blues festival
was fantastic.
455
00:17:18,620 --> 00:17:21,620
I got the blues.
456
00:17:22,120 --> 00:17:25,130
( scatting )
457
00:17:25,130 --> 00:17:27,130
Yeah. 12 solid
hours of songs
458
00:17:27,130 --> 00:17:29,630
about desolation,
destitution, desperation.
459
00:17:29,630 --> 00:17:32,630
I didn't know whether
to dance or hang myself.
460
00:17:32,630 --> 00:17:34,640
( scatting )
461
00:17:39,140 --> 00:17:42,650
Then, he'd do that, and
I'd think, "hang myself."
462
00:17:45,650 --> 00:17:47,650
So, how was last night
with Fred and Ethel?
463
00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:49,650
Brian, it was a nightmare.
464
00:17:49,650 --> 00:17:52,150
They burst through the door
with shotguns,
465
00:17:52,150 --> 00:17:53,660
threw us
on the ground,
466
00:17:53,660 --> 00:17:55,160
tried to cuff us
and threatened our lives.
467
00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:56,660
All right,
all right.
468
00:17:56,660 --> 00:17:58,160
You don't have to be so snide.
469
00:17:58,160 --> 00:17:59,660
I was wrong about them, okay?
470
00:17:59,660 --> 00:18:01,660
No. No. Brian, she's serious.
471
00:18:01,660 --> 00:18:03,170
Those people are dangerous.
472
00:18:03,170 --> 00:18:04,670
Really?
473
00:18:04,670 --> 00:18:06,670
That-that-that sounds terrible.
474
00:18:06,670 --> 00:18:09,670
Well, I guess you might say
475
00:18:09,670 --> 00:18:15,680
You got
the bad neighbor blues.
476
00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:19,180
That's not helping.
477
00:18:19,180 --> 00:18:23,190
Right down to my shoes
478
00:18:23,690 --> 00:18:27,690
I got
the bad neighbor blues.
479
00:18:27,690 --> 00:18:29,690
What are we going to do,
Helen?
480
00:18:29,690 --> 00:18:31,690
I keep running their words
481
00:18:31,690 --> 00:18:33,700
over and over again
in my mind.
482
00:18:33,700 --> 00:18:37,200
"We can be those kind
of neighbors, too."
483
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:39,700
Only one language whackos
like that understand.
484
00:18:39,700 --> 00:18:41,200
What?
485
00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:43,710
We are going to pucker up
and kiss their behinds
486
00:18:43,710 --> 00:18:45,710
until they
like us again.
487
00:18:45,710 --> 00:18:48,710
Complete and total submission?
488
00:18:48,710 --> 00:18:50,210
Damn!
489
00:18:50,710 --> 00:18:51,210
What's wrong?
490
00:18:51,210 --> 00:18:52,210
Well, I'm the man.
491
00:18:52,210 --> 00:18:54,220
I should have thought of it.
492
00:18:56,220 --> 00:18:59,220
( doorbell ringing )
493
00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:01,220
Okay.
494
00:19:06,230 --> 00:19:08,730
Uh, won't you come in,
please?
495
00:19:08,730 --> 00:19:10,730
Your call, Steve.
496
00:19:10,730 --> 00:19:13,240
Let's play it out...
wherever it goes.
497
00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:16,740
Rice Krispie squares?
498
00:19:16,740 --> 00:19:20,240
I believe Barbara
baked you cobbler.
499
00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:22,750
We are wasting our time.
500
00:19:22,740 --> 00:19:23,750
No, wait a minute.
501
00:19:23,750 --> 00:19:25,250
You're our neighbors,
502
00:19:25,250 --> 00:19:28,250
and we have to figure out
some way to live peaceably.
503
00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:31,250
I think maybe it's just
a little too late
504
00:19:31,250 --> 00:19:33,260
for that, girlie-girl.
505
00:19:33,260 --> 00:19:35,760
Okay, all right.
You know what, Steve?
506
00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:37,260
I have had just
about enough of this.
507
00:19:37,260 --> 00:19:39,760
Would you care to step outside
and settle this like men?
508
00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:41,260
With pleasure.
Come on.
509
00:19:41,260 --> 00:19:42,770
You know
something, pal,
510
00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:44,770
I always knew
one of these days
511
00:19:44,770 --> 00:19:47,270
you and me were going
to go 'round and 'round.
512
00:19:47,270 --> 00:19:48,270
Come on.
513
00:19:49,770 --> 00:19:52,270
Okay. Let's get busy.
514
00:19:52,270 --> 00:19:53,280
Come on.
515
00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:54,780
All right, Steve,
516
00:19:54,780 --> 00:19:56,280
I'm going to give you exactly
517
00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:57,780
what it is
you've been asking for.
518
00:19:57,780 --> 00:19:58,780
Great. What's that?
519
00:19:58,780 --> 00:19:59,780
Just a little something
to help out
520
00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:02,280
with your gambling debts.
Huh?
521
00:20:02,280 --> 00:20:04,290
Wow. That's a lot of lettuce.
522
00:20:04,290 --> 00:20:05,290
Geez.
523
00:20:05,290 --> 00:20:07,290
Yes, it is.
524
00:20:07,290 --> 00:20:08,790
I don't get this.
525
00:20:08,790 --> 00:20:09,790
The other day you were saying
526
00:20:09,790 --> 00:20:11,790
you were overextended
on your house.
527
00:20:11,790 --> 00:20:15,300
Or was that simply
a crock of poo?
528
00:20:15,300 --> 00:20:16,300
No.
529
00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:17,800
No poo.
530
00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:19,800
I wouldn't poo you.
531
00:20:21,300 --> 00:20:23,810
Joe and I booked
this romantic weekend
532
00:20:23,810 --> 00:20:25,810
at a bed and breakfast
in Vermont,
533
00:20:25,810 --> 00:20:28,310
and, uh...
it's all paid for
534
00:20:28,310 --> 00:20:30,310
and I'd like you to go.
535
00:20:30,310 --> 00:20:31,810
With Joe?!
536
00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:37,820
No. With Steve.
537
00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:39,320
Oh.
538
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:41,320
Oh, no.
539
00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:43,330
You'll really love it.
540
00:20:43,330 --> 00:20:44,830
I mean, it's not
a big old set of...
541
00:20:44,830 --> 00:20:47,330
but it's good.
542
00:20:47,330 --> 00:20:50,830
Oh, Helen, you're the
best friend I ever had.
543
00:20:50,830 --> 00:20:53,340
Hey, where's
my little gal?
544
00:20:53,340 --> 00:20:54,340
Come here, honey.
545
00:20:55,340 --> 00:20:56,840
Everything's going
to be okay.
546
00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:57,840
You bet it is.
547
00:20:57,840 --> 00:21:00,340
Helen just gave us
a weekend in Vermont.
548
00:21:00,340 --> 00:21:01,340
Wow. That's great.
549
00:21:01,340 --> 00:21:02,850
You know, they have
a dog track up there.
550
00:21:04,850 --> 00:21:05,850
I want you guys to know
something.
551
00:21:05,850 --> 00:21:07,350
You really showed
some class here tonight,
552
00:21:07,350 --> 00:21:08,850
and I'm glad you did,
553
00:21:09,350 --> 00:21:11,850
because we were thinking
about getting back at you.
554
00:21:11,850 --> 00:21:13,860
And believe me,
it wouldn't
have been pretty.
555
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:15,360
STEVE:
Yeah. We were going
556
00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:18,360
to leave town
without saying good-bye.
557
00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:20,360
What?
558
00:21:20,360 --> 00:21:22,360
You're leaving?
559
00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:23,370
Yeah. Tomorrow.
560
00:21:23,870 --> 00:21:26,870
We just rented the
place for the month.
561
00:21:28,870 --> 00:21:31,370
But-but-but the-the...
my money...
562
00:21:31,370 --> 00:21:33,380
(blubbering):
Mmm. Mmm.
563
00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:37,380
BARBARA:
Well, I hate
long good-byes.
564
00:21:37,380 --> 00:21:38,880
See you, folks.
565
00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:40,380
Yeah. We'll miss you.
566
00:21:41,380 --> 00:21:42,380
Oh.
567
00:21:42,380 --> 00:21:43,890
For the trip.
568
00:21:45,390 --> 00:21:46,890
You know what?
569
00:21:46,890 --> 00:21:48,390
I'm through with being
stepped on by those people.
570
00:21:48,390 --> 00:21:49,890
I'm not letting them
get away with this.
571
00:21:49,890 --> 00:21:51,390
Hey!
572
00:21:51,890 --> 00:21:52,890
When you're done
with those Krispies,
573
00:21:52,890 --> 00:21:54,900
we want that plate back!
574
00:22:05,410 --> 00:22:06,410
( doorbell ringing )
575
00:22:06,410 --> 00:22:08,410
I'll get it.
576
00:22:12,410 --> 00:22:14,420
Hi, we're your new neighbors.
577
00:22:14,420 --> 00:22:16,920
We just moved in
next door, and...
578
00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:18,420
Helen, have you
579
00:22:18,420 --> 00:22:20,420
learned nothing
from our experience?
580
00:22:22,420 --> 00:22:25,930
Mmm.
581
00:22:27,430 --> 00:22:29,930
That's better, honey.
39033
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