Original subtitles

Jim, take off my dress.

Very well, milady.

Now my slip.

Very well, milady.

Now my corset. Very well, milady. Now my caninex. There,

milady. There. Now don't ever let me catch you wearing my clothes again.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Benny Hill Show.

And here is Benny Hill.

Now one day I saw in Girona, by a river so quiet and remote, eight lovely

girls from the college.

They were all in the same boat, and as they rode in unison by me, I gallantly

raised my hat.

And I said with a sigh, I wish that I could stroke a crew just like that.

Oh, but I'm flying south for the summer.

I'm going to follow the sun.

I'm flying south for the summer. Now the mating season's begun.

Now outside a bar in Toledo, where Marie had had more than her pill.

A man stood rotating a chicken on a flaming hot infrared grill. Now she

staggered up to him and she shouted with a voice just like a town crier.

She said, Senor, your barrel organ is broken. What's more, your monkey's on

fire. Oh, but I'm flying south for the summer.

I'm gonna follow the sun.

Oh, I'm flying south for the summer. Now the mating season's begun.

Big Anna from Lisbon once ordered a steak weighing nine and a quarter

The footie, he said, will you take it, ma 'am, or shall I send it round?

She said, no, I just want to look at it, because I've been dieting like a chump,

and that's what I've lost, and I just want to see what it looks like in one

lump. Oh, but I'm trying to start for the summer.

I'm going to follow the sun.

Oh, I'm blanked out for the summer.

Now the mating's begun.

With Melina, I stood on a bus from Marseilles. She was hanging on tight by

strap. When she let her pretty white pants fall on a sleeping old gentleman's

lap. Now when he awoke from his slumber, he saw everyone staring at him.

And thinking it was his shirt tail, he slyly tucked it in.

I'm flying south for the summer.

I'm going to follow the sun.

I'm flying south for the summer.

Now the painting season's begun.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much indeed. Ladies and gentlemen, jolly nice to be with you

again. Now, um... One of the most popular shows on television is the one

reruns those great moments of sport.

Well, we thought it was time we showed you the other side of the coin.

delighted to welcome to the show Petticoat and Vine.

After this.

for the fun here.

These two told us that more skill was required in cutting off the enemy's head

than shrinking it, like they're doing here, to the size of an orange.

I'm sure we all know someone we'd like to do that to.

At home, Henry!

The witch doctor.

Here he is gazing into his magic box while he eats dried goat's milk with a

primitive wooden spoon.

I've watched the handsomest of the tribesmen.

He is strong, ruthless, fearless, but above all,

consanguinitous.

Today he is to be given in marriage to Bunte.

Doubtless you're asking yourself why this virile young man is to marry this

ugly, withered hag.

She owns the house they are to live in.

For the law of the jungle of Temar, is a contradictory one.

If after six months the young man hasn't felt joy with this woman, he may leave

her never to return.

In that case, he will find himself a young bride, like this 17 -year -old

Here she is at the water's edge, about to take her morning bath.

First she takes off her bodice, then her sandals, and finally her tackle or

skirt. And then, with her naked body glistening in the sunlight, she dives in

and disappears into the dark.

All right.

A beautiful... Yeah, I was watching that.

So know the nonsense.

Magpie's on in a minute.

Sitting watching children's programmes all the afternoon.

You should be out getting some exercise, getting rid of some of that fat.

Exercise gets rid of fat.

Well, how come you've got a double chin, then?

someone else.

That's not my 25 -piece tea set, is it?

It's 125 pieces.

What did John Wayne answer to that then, dear?

What did John Wayne... Oh, excuse me.

Your wife?

Would I have a maid as ugly as that?

Come, come, come. You know, I think she is rather attractive.

Hello. Oh, hello, hello.

We are your new neighbours. We have just moved in next door.

Do call me Bob. Much more friendly, you know.

Yes, I...

I'll go and get it. No, no, no, you stay here.

The man should be the master in the house, is what I always say.

Oh, true, yes, true, true.

Now, won't you sit down?

Oh, thank you very much, most civil of you, yes.

Yes, you may find that we will take a little bit of getting used to, you know.

My wife and I, we're rather bohemian, you know, rather unconventional, really.

You know, two's company, three's the crowd, and... Four is a great deal more

fun. That is, if they are broad -minded.

You was lucky to find us at home.

Oh, I heard you were talking.

Oh, yes, well, that was just a little tiff.

Actually, Henry wouldn't swap me for anything.

Oh.

Pity.

Do you mean what I think you mean?

Well, you know what they say, Henry.

you know, change as good as the rest, isn't it?

No, I don't think I could. I haven't been brought up that way, you know.

I can't ever imagine myself doing anything like this. Hello, I'm Mary from

door. Like that.

Teasing you, baby.

Mind you, mind you, I mean, there's always got to be a first time for

everything, isn't there?

Well, of course there has, Henry Monmouth. Well, let me introduce to you

This is Henry Mary. And this is Alice.

Hello, Alice. Hello.

Oh, my God.

Sit down.

There we are.

Who's going to be mother?

Well, not me, that's for sure.

Don't start that again, dear.

Mary, you going to have a little lamb?

No, thank you.

Just a cuppa.

I'm off to Chelsea in a minute.

Sugar with or without?

Without. Oh, no such luck, I'm afraid. Milk with or without?

Without. I'm doing a model for an artist.

Whip or whip out?

Whip out.

Don't worry, I'm taking it off any minute.

I'm sorry,

I don't know what... Well, well, well, well, well, well.

They seem to be getting on very well together, don't they?

They do, yes.

That's a good sign, you know. Well, I mean to say, Henry, I mean, they like

other and we get along well together.

You know, after you've been married to the same woman for quite some time, you

begin to fancy a change.

You know, you fancy something a little.

Swap wives.

Oh. I mean, only temporarily, of course, because I realise, I mean, you wouldn't

want to part with your little Alice forever now, would you?

I really fancy your little Alice, I do. You know, I could really fancy a little

romp in the hay with her.

Oh, I mean, I have to.

You! Now, I bet.

What do you say to it all? Well, I don't know. I mean, it's wrong.

Who said it's wrong?

Well, my doctor says it's wrong for a start.

He says I wasn't to make love to anyone except my wife.

He says I wasn't to get excited.

He says it's like my nerves, you know. Oh, nonsense, Henry. Do you the world of

good? Just hang on.

Supposing she don't want to like me? Oh, she will. My wife will. Don't you

worry. I know my wife.

Once I get your little alley next door, you know, come the old charm.

From your uncle!

Do your best.

Now, you will excuse me, won't you? I just think I'll go and find the little

boy's room. Don't need to show me. I think I'll know the way.

Yes, all right.

I say, they're rather a nice pair, aren't they?

Imagine how she can know.

He likes you, you know. How do you know? He said so. Oh, did he? Well, I think

he's rather nice looking.

He said he's got some new contemptible furniture like in the house.

He thought you might like to go and have a look at it. I agree.

Well, well, well, well, well, well. Oh, Henry is telling me that you've got

something to show me.

Oh, yes.

As a matter of fact, I have. Would you like to come next door and have a little

taco? No, no, no. You go now.

hang about, does he? No.

I'll tell you something else. More don't I.

I'm sure you're like Mummy.

Mummy?

Hasn't Daddy told you?

Daddy? Yes.

That in 30 years' time?

In 30 years' time, I won't care!

Here, I made this for you.

Did you make that?

Yes. That looks very nice. Could I just try a little bit?

Yes.

Oh, that's lovely.

Too clever.

Here, do you like magpie?

I never miss it. It's on in a minute.

Oh, ice cream sundae! I made my own ice cream, too. Oh, isn't that lovely?

Let me try one. Get stuck into that.

Oh, now that's a nice lovely cake. Here, I say, we might get slim on lemon

juice, but never on Sunday.

Time

now

for just a few of those TV moments when things go awry. Here are a couple of

interesting items.

I wouldn't really.

Well, that's what we usually find.

Most Dove users won't change.

Are you wearing anything at the moment you had washed in Dove?

Yes. Please.

Why

don't

you kiss me?

You used to. Did I?

I haven't changed, you know.

Haven't you?

No.

I never will.

Hold it. Cut.

Wardrobe.

Good evening.

Here is the news. The Prime Minister, seen here with members of the Cabinet,

meeting to discuss Britain's economic policies.

It is hoped that... These

sheep... that you can see here, are being made by Suffolk's top shepherd.

Unlike other shepherds, he uses no dog, as these sheep will follow him anywhere.

It's no wonder we all get cold with this weather. But we needn't suffer from

them, because Benavite attacks the cold germs three ways.

Here, at the throat, preventing that sore feeling that you get. Here, at the

eyes, preventing running.

And here... At the nose, prevailing that stuffed -up feeling that you get,

because in the nose... Can we... Do you want to carry

on? My God, if I can't have you, Fiona, nor shall he!

Bruce, what's come over you? I've never seen you like this before.

And I hope you'll never see me like this again.

I'm sorry, Fiona, but when you mentioned Dick, everything went black.

Ladies and gentlemen, will you welcome, please, the lovely Kiki D.

I loved that love before Got mad and closed

the door But you said try just once more

I chose you for the one now I'm having so much fun you've always

shown me that loving you is where it's at and you made me so very

happy I'm so glad you came into my life

But when it came to loving you, I'll spend my whole life

with you.

Because you came and you took control.

You touched my very soul.

You've always shown me that loving you is where it's at.

I'm in love with you.

Are you all right, old man?

Of course I'm all right.

No, no, no, you can't go doing things like that, you know.

I haven't done anything, have I? Yes, you have. Let alone cover.

You can't smash bottles on the pavement, you know that. No, what have I done

wrong? Now, can you get home?

Hang on, will you?

Are you sure? Let alone, mate. All right, well, just one.

Five, just five.

Are you sure you're OK?

Yes, absolutely.

Why don't you go and lick the inspector's boots then, eh, big head?

Who are you calling big head? No, no, no, I meant him, over there.

Flippin' fairy!

Great fairy!

Don't you call me a fairy!

I'm not calling you a fairy. I'll bash your face in!

Officer! Police!

Officer!

Have we in Britain the police force we want, or have we the police force we

deserve?

They are useless.

We have all been brainwashed into believing that things are what they are

And they're not.

I mean, what happens? You switch on to television, somebody commits a hyenas

crime, twit, stealing a valuable mink vase, they get in touch with the saint,

danger man, dead squad, dead cars, cord squad, special branch, and rattle and

hopsack.

35 minutes.

My bicycle pump was stolen eight weeks ago.

And the police didn't even check for fingerprints.

All they said was, next time you go into the dog and duck, take your bicycle

pump in with you. I did, and somebody stole the bloody bicycle.

Well, you see, the police, they won't leave my boy alone.

Absolute purgative for him. I mean, he's never done anything wrong in his whole

life. I tell you, his whole life he hasn't. You ask his probation officer.

He said that the psychiatrist, like, said he had a psychopath tendency.

And you see, he hits his old ladies because he hates his father. You see,

why he hits them, because he hates his father.

I mean, why doesn't he hit his father?

His father'd kill him.

He knows, you see, that it's wrong to do all these things like stealing lead and

that, you see.

Why doesn't his father show him the right way?

Well, he does, but he still gets caught.

Now he's in Brixton, poor little lamb.

Does his father ever see him?

Oh, he sees him every day.

Every day?

They share the same cells.

Oh, he's a lovely lad, his father.

I'll tell you something.

That man's a saint. He's an absolute saint, his father is. I'll tell you

something. When he was in Wormwood... scrubs.

He got time off for good behaviour.

What other wife can say that?

I'm proud of my husband, I am. I really am. My daughter as well.

And where is she?

Oh, she's just gone down the supermarket to nick something to get something for

something.

Do you know something? When she was given that lovely mink coat, she had a

,000 mink coat given by this very nice lorry driver.

And do you know, she gave it straight to me.

And do you know something? The first night I wore it out, I was questioned by

the police.

Anyone think they'd never seen a lady with a mink coat before?

I mean, just because I was coming out of the bottle and jug wearing carpet

slippers and a pink cap, it doesn't have anything to do with it, has it?

Well, I mean, to say, why don't the police go and get some of these

and leave ordinary people like us alone?

That's what I'd say.

Look, I tell you something, mate, the police, the police are only here to

protect the property of the middle class.

Look,

I tell you something, listen.

If it wasn't for private property, you'd need no police force. You wouldn't need

one, man, would you? Look, and I'll tell you something else, mate. If there was

no private property, you'd have no wars because there'd be nothing to kill for,

would there, man?

Don't you understand it? Look, you wonder what we believe in. You wonder

all believe in. I'll tell you what we believe. We don't believe in yours.

We don't believe in mine. We only believe in ours.

Because all the beautiful things in the world are there for everybody to enjoy.

Now, for us to have, regardless of race, colour or creed or anything, anybody

who wants anything has every right to take what they want, don't they? That's

what it's about, man.

Who's pitched my bloody motorbike?

Officer? Well, here in the police station with me...

Detective Inspector Scuttle.

Evening, all.

Good evening, Inspector.

Now, Inspector, you have heard the accusations.

Yes, sir. What have you got to say?

Pipple.

It's full of pipple.

Yes, sir.

I'll tell you something, sir. The British law court is one of the few

remaining... places in the world where true and honest justice is dispensed

with.

Police brutality?

Balderdash. I must correct you here, because one of your own sergeants from

station here was reported in the local press for alleged brutality.

Ah, that's the local papers, sir. They're always doing it. It's these

correspondents, sir.

They're criminal.

Only last week I was referred to as a detective inspector in the police force.

But, Inspector, they retracted it. I know. They said I worked in the police

force as a detective inspector.

Well, Inspector, if we could hear back to this alleged brutality. Yes, it was

alleged, sir. Just alleged.

No,

sir. Look, let me... I'll put you in the picture. Well, that would be very nice.

I'll tell it to you in its entirety, sir. You shall know.

That's all right.

Donald Potts. Who is he?

He is a very shy, delicate, sensitive, highly strong detective sergeant. Oh,

yes, yes.

He was called to this house, sir, where a 35 -stone ex -convict

was duffing up his dearly beloved with a crowbar.

Now, sir, upon entering, Potts was severely struck on the head with a

wardrobe.

severely confusing his nose and breaking one nostril, sir.

Yes, sir.

Pardon, sir. That is where he went wrong, sir. He went wrong, yes. He laid

hand on him, saying, as he did so, ah, ah, who's a naughty boy, then? He had no

right doing that, sir.

But you must understand, it was the heat of the moment. He had his nose broken,

sir. Yes, well, I must say that I shouldn't like to have my nose broken.

Oh, I don't know. I don't think a plastic surgeon could do a lot with a

like yours.

Well, Inspector, could we talk about arrests?

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. The graph is here, sir. The graph is there, sir.

It's all there, sir. I see on the graph here on your chart that during the early

months of the year, there weren't many arrests. And then suddenly, in

this sudden shooting up of the arrests. Yes, that is right, sir. Now, who was

responsible for that?

Well, I would say, sir, basically, policewoman Goosen.

Policewoman Goosen. Yes, sir. You see, when it was...

It was partly her. She was making up the chart along here like that.

You were moving slowly backwards, you see.

Now, accidentally and inadvertently, I happen to be standing here, sir,

with my truncheon in my hand.

What you might call a collision ensued, sir. A collision, yes. Yes, causing her

to... That accounts for that, sir. That accounts for that sharp rise in

September. That is true, sir, yes. But what about the early months? I mean, you

hardly made any arrests at all. Well, you can't just go arrest anybody, you

You've got to get to the regulations, sir. Well, only the other day, one of

sellers, sir, he was outside the greengrocer's shop, sir. He saw this

girl go in, sir.

A minute afterwards the same girl comes out with a beautifully rounded figure,

sir. And half a minute afterwards the greengrocer comes out saying two melons

was missing.

Well, sir, I mean, the constable gave chase.

Sir, as in his walk, tapped her on the shoulder, she turned round, and there he

was, face to face with two of the, one of the most baffling things to

you see, sir.

I mean, he was 99 % sure where them melons was, sir.

But he couldn't put his hands on them, you see.

You've got to be 100 % sure before you're allowed to put your hands on

know, sir. And then he found out. What did he find out? She was a foreigner.

Oh, she was a turret.

An au pair girl, sir.

Now then, sir, he had to explain to her in mine.

And he's no Marcel Marceau, sir.

But was an arrest finally met? Yes, sir. But we got him off.

He pleaded insanity, sir.

He said he was crazy about melons.

Well, now,

Inspector.

Obviously, the most satisfying thing in the police force, like any other

profession, is success.

Absolutely. Like rounding up a gang of criminals.

Don't go away.

That is what we have just done, sir. Only last Tuesday, Scotland Yard sent us

these 12 photographs of these fellas, sir. Within 24 hours, we had 11 of them

under lock and key, and we are hoping to arrest the 12th one by this time

tomorrow, sir. But, Inspector, these are 12 different photographs of the same

man.

Bloody hell.

Oh, well, never mind. We've got him, haven't we, sir? He's there. We've got

sir. Because his picture must be... Yes, we've got him, sir. But what about the

other 11 that you've already got locked up?

Well, we'll have to kid on that they're the jury, won't we, sir? Have you got a

flag on you? I could do with one about now.

Claude was a penniless actor.

Pierre was a rich banker.

And so, Fifi married Pierre and installed Claude as their butler.

But when this didn't work Claude returned as the chauffeur.

When this failed, Claude returned as the gardener.

But when he turned up as a maid, his troubles really started.

new maid arrived and he was obliged to share a room with her it was almost too

much for him

he had to share a bed with her.

It really was too much for him.

And so Fifi remained faithful to her husband.

After all, better an old husband than a lover who's a nervous wreck.

N 'est -ce pas?

That's number one. Let's cover the top.

And the nervous new rent collector got the wings at the very first day.

He said, boss, there's a man in the building with a pitchfork far in my way.

thought they'd put all of my tenants off their high -class and well -bred. He

was probably holding a pitchfork because he'd been making the bed.

I know it's right. I know it's right. It's in the paper.

It's in the paper.

And the reader's right that Dr.

Jolly could.

Because he helps them so.

If they say they suffer from acne, he says move to Walthamstow.

A woman rose to the park. God, this means what if I hurt your son?

He says just to keep him wrapped up for him and don't point him at anyone.

I know it's true.

It's like there was...

then well that was that was um and they're over there getting ready to play

can't smoke with them come on no matter about that then right on we go now that

of course was the hairy fairies with the new record it's a smashing record it's

an absolutely fabulous record with uh it's in the papers on the front side and

uh kiss me again on the other side if i told you you had a lovely figure would

you hold it against me would you are you married no matter about that then on we

go then And here we are. We're going to have Roger Twitter there now. You know

Roger Twitter. He's going to whistle. He's going to whistle his little

song. And it's called The Whistling Song. Here it is. Oh, here we go. How

that then, eh?

Way out in the Andes, there lives a little man.

Oh, there's a little man.

He's whistling. He's whistling.

Have you known his whistling? He's whistling right along.

There's some slacking dancers there. You've all seen that, haven't you? I

lovely dancers. They're all... Ooh, they're all around here. And the one

won the prize there is going to get her prize now. And she's going to get it

from your old friend, Tony Blackburn. Here he is. He's over there. Whoa!

Here he goes. Come on, Tony.

There you go, then.

Well, anyway, do it again like you were doing it.

That was marvellous. That was fantastic.

Last girl we had doing that, we found out afterwards she had a lighted

down the back of her dress.

I told her to go and sit that one out.

And here's Bobby Gently with the latest and the dustbins of your mind.

My

daddy

lived to my age and never had a fever or a cold.

Just he didn't drink or smoke or go with girls.

Till he was ten years old.

But coming from the liquor store, one night he went and got a terrible cough.

And he rubbed his back with whiskey and he broke his neck just trying to lick it

off.

I said I don't want to waste my youth and beauty on that old...

Now then, boys and girls and ladies and gentlemen, I don't have to tell you,

this handsome young fellow standing beside me now, well, it's a young

he's pretty young anyway, and it is Roy Orpington, so I won't tell you.

Anyway, he's come over from America, and you know that, you all know him. Now

then, Roy, what have you come over here for? Tell us all about it. I know you're

here to promote the record, but you've got to talk to me about it.

Oh,

I'm fine.

And then you're doing your tour, aren't you?

That's out there, Southampton and Bournemouth.

I want you to know Jimmy Cher is a great player for me to be on your show.

Like that, you know.

Well, off you go then.

Roy, now he's going to sing his smashing song. It's fabulous. Here it is. You're

going to enjoy it. It's called Only the Lonely. How about that? Roy Hobson, come

on.

I'll never know why a horse racing in the field all day should be so hard to

catch and be so full of hay. I'll never know how a rose can look so

sweet and pure and hold its head up high when it's standing in manure.

I'll never know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Thank you.

Thank you.