Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Benny Hill Show.

And here is Benny Hill.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

Surely nice to be with you once again. I thought I'd add a new series. We'd

start off with a song with a moral.

Now the train pulled out of Houston.

George got aboard all right. But when he found the seat that he'd reserved, he

suddenly went white.

For there was a great big suitcase. It was battered as could be.

Next to it was a hippie who was humming happily.

Die, die, die, die, die, die.

Die, die, die, die, die, die.

George said, look, I'm not unreasonable, intolerant, or hard, but if you don't

move that suitcase, I'm going to fetch the guards.

Die, die, die, die, die, die.

Die, die, die, die, die, die.

Die, die, die, die, die, die.

George said, look here, I reserve that place as windows, it is mine.

If you don't move that suitcase, I'm going to chuck it out on the line.

So George took the suitcase and he threw it out on the track.

He said, there you long -haired layabout, what are you going to say to

Die, die, die, die, die, die, it's not my bloody case.

Thank you. Thank you. Now, ladies and gentlemen, if you could imagine the look

on George's face at that point, you would have what is listed in the

handbook as look number seven. It's a mixture of sadness and surprise.

And here are some classic examples of that look.

George. Yes, dear.

If I die, if I die and you marry again,

Promise me one thing. What's that, love?

Promise me you won't let her wear my clothes.

Of course not, darling.

It wouldn't fit Sandra anyway.

Oh, Roger, of course you're the first.

Why do you men always ask the same question?

Oh, yes.

I didn't say anything about that part in Crossroads.

Good night, mother of six.

Good night, father of one.

crossing the equator now.

Ladies and gentlemen, will you welcome from Spain, Los Zafiros!

¶¶

We'll be right back.

Maria Isabel.

Maria

Isabel.

Bye.

Bye. Bye.

We'll be right back.

Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye.

You see, if they don't use them against you... Bullock, bullock.

We will have a clause in the contract that says they mustn't do it.

Bullock, bullock.

And if they do, Sir Alec Douglas, you know who, will get on them and say,

naughty, naughty, naughty.

Bullock, bullock, bullock, bullock. Yes, yes, yes, I don't mind.

So let's go and have a look at those cattle of yours, shall we, in the field

over there. Yes, Wanda, we go.

But whatever you do, don't tread in bula.

Ladies and gentlemen, you may remember in the last series, we showed you some

those moments on television when things, you know, go wrong.

I would like to add that this in no way reflects upon the technicians here at

Thames Television, who have at all times done their very, very best and shown an

efficiency which is quite remarkable in the clear content tone.

Your bishop for how long?

For more years than I care to remember.

But you know, I always remember you used to say to me, never forget, Reverend,

hard cash does not a soft heart make.

And you know, I never forgot that.

Thank you, Reverend Feltree.

Never found out what the silly old twit meant.

He pinched my bum.

I can't say as I blame him.

As soon as we're off, I should pinch him myself.

You dirty beast.

Cut the sound. The sound.

Was something wrong? I didn't see anything wrong myself with that.

What's the band out of tune?

Have you got any steps? Could you get a step, John?

than Jimmy Clitherall.

I can't get it out. It's stupid.

Stop the music.

I've never had this trouble before on the BBC.

John, I thought you were going to pull it. You didn't.

You didn't pull it.

Bad, bad.

I say, why don't we stop in this evening and gorge ourselves on these adorable

matchsticks. Matchsticks.

97 sticks of sheer delight.

As relaxed as the people who eat them.

I can't help it. It's her.

But

soft.

My love is here. My goddess there doth sit.

Oh, that sweet face.

Oh, those gentle arms in whose enfold. I would die a thousand deaths.

Soft, she speaks.

I've got your bloody lines.

To strain a wanting refrain.

Gilded upon a marathon.

And run around your brain. You can't forget.

You, a pretty girl, did

like a melody that was new.

And I'll thank you.

Just like the... I'm sorry, John. John,

just... Could we do it again, John?

This is the right picture. I thought you might like to see it. Hold it, George.

Hello,

and welcome again to Thames. And now, time for news and views of the

entertainment scene from the man who is becoming known as the show business

himself, Fred Scuttle.

Good evening, viewers.

Glad you could make the scene.

Hello, Mr. Scuttle. Hello.

My goodness me, you certainly are looking smart.

Trendy. And all this pop art.

Pop art where, sir?

All this, yes.

In keeping with Thames Television's new image.

Our motto, sir, go gay with Thames.

We're all going gay, are we?

I think some of us have started already.

You see, sir, we are going to cater to the young now, sir. We're becoming

Orientated, sir.

Does that mean we're going to have lots of pop shows?

Festivals, sir. Festivals.

You've heard of Woodstock? Yes.

Newport Jazz Festival?

Yes. Monterey Pop? Yes.

Chipping Sodbury?

Chipping Sodbury? Viewers will see for the first time a three -day rock and

roll, underground and jazz, psychedelic freak -out from the Derby and Joan Club.

Who is on the bill? Who isn't on the bill, sir?

None other than the return of Henry All and his over -sex debts,

followed by Britain's greatest underground group,

WC Handy

and the Chain Gang, and the lady singer whose name is on everybody's lips.

Who's that?

I forget.

And to round off the entertainment, sir, Victor Sylvester and the comb -dancing,

topless go -go -girl.

Topless, eh?

Well, let's hope there isn't a nip in the air.

There will probably be several, sir.

Well, now, Mr. Skanza, who presents and stages this extravaganza?

None of... than Madame Emily Fudge, sir. She is the matron there. Oh, really?

Mind you, sir, I liaise with her. Do you? Yes, at every opportunity.

She's big.

Well,

tell me, how often does she hold them for you?

Matron, um... I was asking about Matron. Yes, sir. How often does she hold

it?

Well, it's funny you should ask that, sir.

Because the concert is held biannually. Oh. Once a week.

And I suppose we can expect the customary scenes, then, of nude bathing.

I sincerely hope not, sir. No, no, sir, no. I mean, you know, lots of men

running around stark as it... Indecent.

Untidy, I would have said.

The thing is, sir, it's not in keeping with the Thames images. I see. I can

understand that. Well, may I put it another way?

As far as I'm concerned, you can.

It's up to you, isn't it? I mean, I mean, I mean to say, are Thames

against attractive nude women?

Not as often as they'd like to be, sir.

But my dear sir, no, it wouldn't do, would it? I mean, it would never be

I mean, if you had nudity on television once, sir, the floodgates would be open.

They'd all be happy, sir. I mean, you'd have nudes at ten.

You would.

Opportunity knockers.

Oh, Coronation Street.

That's a thought, isn't it? And so think of those poor make -up girls. What

about them? Well, on shows like the Black and White Minstrels show.

Black and what? The Black and White Minstrels show, sir.

Well, they'd have their hands full, wouldn't they?

All that lot, sir, yes. No, I can't see it, frankly, Miss Delft. No, no, I can

understand that. Well, now, I can see how you're catering for the young, but

what have you in store for, well, for instance, people in my age group?

Oh, we cater to the elderly as well, sir.

We're going to give them a bit of uplift.

Oh, culture.

As well, yes.

They're going to have the lots. They're having Jean -Paul satire. Yes.

The famous existing sensualist.

The opera, Madame Buttonfly.

Sir,

they're going to have a repeat of Waiting for Doggo by Albert Brecht.

Oh, yes. Yes. The theatre of the absurd.

Yes, yes. Tell me, why was it categorised that way?

I'm often wondered.

No, no.

Can I put that one another way? What do you mean? Well, I mean, why do they call

it absurd?

Well, sir, our budget was 15 ,000 quid, sir, and eight people watched it.

Can you tell me anything more absurd than that? I'd like to hear it, sir. I

think that's almost uninteresting. Thank you, sir. We do our best.

Well, have you any documentaries for us or travel lots? Yeah, we have the best,

sir. The Underwater World... Sorry, the Underworld Water.

I'll get it right if it kills me.

I don't think I've seen that one. Then you're in luck, sir. Why? Is it as bad

all that? No, no, we're just starting. We've got it all there. I say, Brian,

could you get Philip to lace it up?

Not your corset, no.

We have come to the Cobalt Sea

because so many interesting specimens of marine life exist here, like the carbel

fish.

Unlike other fish, the carbel fish only has one mating season per year.

This lasts for 12 months.

Unfortunately, there is no female of the species.

The carbel is a very unhappy fish.

And the little viping, the smallest fish known to man, yet every year it lays a

batch of eggs weighing four times its own weight.

The viping is also a very unhappy fish.

But we had come here to find the forward -walking crab.

As you doubtless know, unless you are a great stupid idiot, crabs always walk

sideways. But a native girl assured us she had seen a forward -walking crab.

and wore a knife strapped to her thigh to protect her from the crew.

Totally unnecessary, of course.

They were more interested in the ocean, and they couldn't wait to get to the

bottom.

We had already collected many interesting specimens.

We had a catfish, which we called Kitty, a seahorse, which we called Dobbin, and

a little water otter.

which we called a kettle.

The naked girl was very impressed with Hans' collection of shellfish. Here she

is admiring his muscles and his cockles.

He had collected them himself and was justly proud of his great feet.

He was also responsible for catching our dogfish and

our conger eel.

Our crew got along splendidly together.

Nothing ever distracted them from their work.

Fishes in the Cobalt Sea are in danger of becoming extinct.

We had hoped that these electric eels would mate.

Unfortunately, he was AC and she was DC.

This female soul had spent five years in the Cobalt Sea and never had contact

with a male soul.

Poor old soul.

We had hoped to do some breathing.

was not to be.

Jean -Paul was anxious to get on with herself.

He'd heard that cobalt sharks were in the area, but we all knew that sharks

never attack human beings.

Unfortunately, the sharks didn't.

On our very last day, our luck was in.

Our native girl had found what we had been looking for, the forward -walking

crab.

After a considerable investigation, we found out the reason for the phenomenon

of the forward -walking crab.

There had recently been dumped in these waters a quantity of contraband rum, and

the forward -walking crab was walking forwards instead of sideways because he

was blind -thinking drunk.

The next item is in black and white.

Good evening.

Now, now, now, we here in this country do have a color immigration problem.

I'm going to be frank about this, because I believe in calling a spade a

Because,

you see, I mean, I quite like you blackie chappies. I mean, you coons have

do, I do, I like you, I do. Oh, thank you, dear boss.

But, you know, I think you're a real nice fellow.

That's how it is. You know, I have a gardener, and he's a blackie just like

you know, from Nigeria.

Trinidad, eh, boss?

I is from Trinidad. Yeah, well, out there, you know. But I treat him just

an ordinary human being, you see, because I believe that no matter what

man is, makes no difference to his personality.

Because, you see...

You know,

personally, I have nothing against you chaps, but I wouldn't want my daughter

marry one of you chaps.

Well, your daughter couldn't stand the pace.

On account of her reputation, we got all sexual virility.

The only thing that we can do, I think, quite honestly, is to show each other a

little tolerance.

Little understanding, and I say you'll all come out right in the end.

Will you care for a cup of tea?

Sure enough. They're quite nice.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am delighted

to be able to welcome to the show Tooth Company.

to remember the kind of September when life

was slow and oh so mellow

try to remember the kind of

September when grass was green and the

grain was yellow

Try to remember the kind of September

when he was a tender and

callous fellow.

Try to remember, and if you

remember, then follow.

When life was so tender.

Try to remember when life was

so tender.

Try to remember when life was

so tender.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Deep in December, it's nice to remember

the fire of September that made

us fellow.

Deep in December, our hearts will

remember and follow.

Welcome to you, Mr. Charmin. Mr.

Charmin, why did you first come to London?

To pray.

For guidance.

For wisdom.

No fruit.

You came to London to pray for fruit.

No pray for fruit. To pray fruit.

To pray fruit in a orchestra.

Oh, I see, yes. Now, your wife, she is English.

Is she also in show business?

Yeah, she is probably, not necessarily, but probably

a most robbery girl in hawk show business.

She's a contortionist. No, she's a singer.

She's got a robbery voice, though.

She sings a robbery song.

She's a rubbery lady.

A lovely lady.

Yes. Right stupid idiot we've got.

Now, Mr.

Charmin, how did you first come to meet your wife?

Well, we both are very fond of Heath.

Edward. Hampstead.

One Sunday night I was on Hampstead Heath. I was not lurking. You were not

lurking on the Heath. No, I was not lurking at a paradeo.

You see, all the week I look at a peridium, but Sunday night I no look.

Not work.

Yes.

He took a road at Codsworth.

Well,

I noticed that she is having trouble stealing.

Stealing. No, no stealing. No, stealing.

Stealing. You talk funny.

bus. It was a dirty one. Oh, the bus wasn't clean.

No, it was a clean bus, but it was a number dirty one.

On the bus, she told me she wanted to get into these pencil mines.

Your trousers.

What are trousers?

It's a donut, isn't it?

It's not right. I see on your show here you have a vicar with a fryer.

and I like the writer.

No, no, no. You misunderstood me. What? You were saying, Mr. Charmin, that your

wife wanted to get into your trousers.

Oh, stupid idiot.

Brooke, you want to get into the pants of mine. Pants of mine? At a running

paradium.

Brooke, they've got to call us.

They're going to call you. No call you. Call us.

Brooke, why you talk? Why you no listen?

Brooke, she ain't going to call us. In the pants.

Had to run a paradium. I in a orchestra pray food.

You got it, cookie boy?

I do find it a little difficult. I mean, you confuse us.

I no confuse us.

No, no, you're not confuse us. You confuse... You are the confusing me.

I no confusing you. You confusing you.

Stupid idiot.

Marcia, you took a road of coppers.

Look, anyway, I cannot be wrong with her. I have to go see a dentist.

A dentist.

Tooth -hurty. Nasty.

What's nasty?

Well, nasty when tooth -hurty.

No tooth -hurty.

Appointment for tooth -hurty!

Sorry, Mr. Chapman, but everything you say sounds like L.

You're not that personal with me, cookie boy. You got smack in the mouth.

Do please let us know where we are. Probably the trouble is, it is the way

you roll your ass.

Sit here fast when you come on. You know she may walk in. How you know? Oh,

you're in a stupid area. I not want to talk with you. Listen, I was asked to

come here. I was asked to come here by Avon Television.

Uh, Thames. What? This is Thames Television.

So you make me a riot.

Just because I got a long liver. Hmm?

Hmm? It's not my fault. I know how to look for you. I can go and look with

and Resmi Glade.

We can do an interview with Loving Day.

We know Davy Hammertall.

Joan Bratewell on a rape night right now.

Aaron Licker on a lick -a -luck -a -bout.

Quiff of me to moan.

Not to mention Davy Frost.

Davy Frost.

I said not to mention him!

Perhaps the Times.

come, Mr.

Charmin, when you could give us the denouement.

What?

The denouement. It's French.

Why you talk French?

You no can speak English.

If you could now tell us, why did you eventually get married? Well, we have a

little argument before the wedding. She want a right lady.

Yes. And she want a blasphemy and a flowers and an organ praying.

And you?

I want to cut a whole damn thing off.

Then why did you get married?

Because of her blubbers. She's got blubbers so big and so strong. One is an

owing lessler.

One is a crook. One is a clacksock with a rifle.

One is a late rifter. A what? A late rifter. A late rifter? Rifting up the

lates. Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Get a lockjaw.

But he was all too big and strong.

Mr. Chairman, are you telling me, then, that you got married because you were

afraid?

Yeah, I forgot to tell you. My full name is Chicken Chow Min.

What are you clapping?

Everybody's clapping.

I love you.

I used

to

envy Ted.

Not just the things he said, but his attitude and his crowded little way.

I mean, you might not think it, but I'm quite naive.

But Teddy's, well, he's suave and he's cool and Sophie's thicketed and blade.

I mean, you take the other day when he took that bit, he made up that pasture

land just past the gravel pit.

He kicked a sleeping cow.

Made it get up and walk away so that she'd have somewhere warm and droid to

And he's alone there in that field, and she's just about to yield, and her dad

turns up and starts to raise his voice.

He says, is your intentions honourable or dishonourable, my man? And Ted says,

what, you mean I get the choice?

A similar thing happens to me a week last Saturday. I end up with a swollen,

bleeding lip.

It was with her big brother Ray. He says, do you know my sister May?

Like a tool for all, I says, no, but thank you for the tips.

the old tool and in this field there's this cow and this bull and they was well

you can see they was friendly anyhow it turns to her i says hey pat i wouldn't

have liked to do that she says well why not ah she looks a friendly cow

hold

kids in these here digs and the landlady treats them like pigs well you can't

blame her because they ain't exactly elite

One day she goes round the bend. She says, all right, pack your things.

the end. Clear out. You ain't even having a bite, do we?

Well, others all goes white.

But Teddy says, all right.

I know there's plenty of land ladies could use some extra loving.

I'll not be homeless long because I'm virile and I'm strong.

She says, I'm not talking to you. Your dinner's in the oven.

had to go to loo the train left from platform two i guess the hotel

tired so i undressed in walk the chamber made real slow with the dress that's

cut so low if i'd have stood on tippy toe i could have seen her a bit she says

just come to say good night and to see that you're all right in that bed all

warm and comfortable and white

Is there room for another in there? I looked up. I said, oh, yeah. She said,

well, shut up. There's a commercial traveler outside.

Oh, Ted meets this fancy piece in town.

And Ted don't hang around. He's back inside her flat quick as a wink.

She starts to pour him a gin. And then she says, now, you will tell me when. He

says, right after I finish that little drink.

He looks up. He's out. All right. Well, he stays there.

At the night when he leaves, he says, I should be toddling off now, Sadie.

She says, just a minute, honey, don't forget the money. He says, cool, I

couldn't take money from a lady.

I was telling him about Sally and that afternoon in her chalet.

I tell you, that day I very near lost my heart.

I says, I hope you like beer, I've got a courting.

And I don't know much about courting, but come here and I'll seal your

for a start.

And she puts some sun oil in me hand, and she says, wouldn't it be grand if

rubbed that on me to protect me from the sun?

Well, was she all white and milky, and was her skin all smooth and silky? I

says, I don't know, I had my mittens on.

Oh, Ted gets back the other day. Six weeks he'd been away, staying with some

woman up the West End.

Then a letter arrives from me, implying explicitly a connection between me and

his newfound friend.

I says, now Ted, I want the truth.

He says, well, she was a bit old in the tooth, and I suppose I should be ashamed

of what I did.

But I give her your name instead of mine.

Is that all right? I says, fine. She just died and left me half a million

Everybody wants a nice bag.

Good looking boy. Look at you cropping.

I met you at Hothate Cantina. Oh, you look so lonesome and sad.

So I said with a wink, let me buy you a drink. And then maybe things won't seem

so bad.

You ordered.

A large champagne cocktail, then vodka, then wine from the room.

And as I bought it, I suddenly thought, it's no wonder that you're on your own.

But by then, I had fallen in love, but you laughed at the way that I felt.

With your black cowboy boots and your cowgirl -type suit and your awful long

-chested tea belt.

And I went with you across town to your place, my eagerness I could not hide.

As you walked across the floor and you locked the front door, why did you leave

me outside?

I went through my uncle's hand and, oh, thank my heart, it's filled with desire.

But the lady says no, and all the waters will flow from the mountains and put

out the fire.

He said, when a lady says no, she sometimes means yes, you young hothead.

I said that maybe so, but she didn't say no. She simply said go and get knotted.

So I came here and I sang near your window from midnight till gone half past

three. Oh, tell me, sweet lady, sweet lady, pray tell me, what was it you

emptied on me?

I came here to old Barcelona to think the sweet heart of my life.

And I beamed my heart, but we drifted apart.

So I'm going back to the wife.

Olé! Thank you for your service, gentlemen, and we hope that all we plan

will see you again very, very soon. Till then, bye -bye!

No, no, enough, enough!

Enough!

Oh!