Original subtitles

Blackmoor. This vast wasteland of bogs and marshes has, over the last 17 years,

claimed no fewer than...

Good

evening,

ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Benny Hill Show.

And here he is, Benny Hill.

Now docked that in the emergency ward as nervous as could be.

Nurse Colleen said, what's that there just above your knee?

He said, oh that's me scorn, ma 'am. She said, now there's a scream.

For ten whole minutes I've been trying to give it a saucer of cream.

Colleen, Colleen, I'll make it for you.

Colleen, Colleen, my heart...

She rubbed me some with liniment and it turned me some more red. I said, that

lady's smart, so she rubbed some on me head.

And I couldn't eat things with me knife and fork, she said, now never you mind.

She went and she got a celery stalk and we rolled them down one at a time.

Colleen!

Colleen!

Oh, I'm making for you.

Colleen!

Breaking for you.

Now she's got a touch of the fell pest and she acts in a very odd way. She

thinks that she's a chicken and she cackles all the day.

Oh, thanks for the psychiatrist.

Her poor old father begs. But mom says let the girl alone. You know we need the

eggs. Colleen.

Colleen.

Oh, I'm aching for you.

Colleen.

Now we've married and we've settled in the cottage near about.

The bed, it is all broken and the spring is sticking out. But when I recall

those nights together, me heart, it wants to sing.

We kissed all through the winter and made love right through the spring.

Colleen.

Colleen.

You know I'll make it for you.

Colleen.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you, ladies.

Thank you very much indeed.

Ladies and gentlemen, you know, a lot of people think that actors are vain and

conceited and self -centered, and they are.

But if you saw one of them going for a job, you wouldn't believe it.

Would you mind waiting outside, please, where's the hall?

Thank you.

Hi, Harry.

Yeah. Yeah, a guy's just been for the part.

Yeah. Oh, about 26, 27.

Dynamic.

Strong white teeth.

Slim hips.

Yeah, that's the part. The guy they sent is 45 and fat.

Oh, I don't know, Harry. You look the kind of seedy sort of...

Floppy, you know.

He's gonna look a mess when he gets his clothes off.

Oh, yeah. He has to appear in the nude.

Harry, the whole second half of the picture takes place in his bedroom.

And he's naked.

I tell you, he is completely naked.

So is the girl.

Yeah. Yeah, she's here now.

Oh, she's done this kind of thing before.

I got a whole pile of photos of her in the nude outside.

But, Harry, it's that kind of a picture. We do and show everything.

There's this guy, see? He's a bit backward. He's, you know, sitting in his

Now, that very day, this girl, who's a nymphomaniac,

gets out of prison.

Having done five years.

Now, she goes into a chemist to get something for a headache, and by

drinks a whole bottle of aphrodisiac.

Well, she passes this guy's room, and through the open door, sees him getting

ready for bed.

Will you get a picture?

Oh, boy, what goes on in that room?

Yeah.

Yeah, I got his agent on the other eye.

Yeah. Richard?

Okay.

£50 a week?

I'll do it for £40.

We can afford £30. £25?

We can afford £25 a week. £15?

Hello,

dear. Sorry I'm late.

Has he seen you yet?

No, not yet, but I think it'll be all right. Oh, good.

That's my girl.

I, uh, I got the job.

How much?

£10 a week.

That's not... That's all I could afford to pay.

Well, this is the guy your lovely actress will be working with. What do

think?

He'll do.

Oh, I think he's smashing.

Well, let's settle the details, shall we?

Fine.

She's the best agent I've ever had.

It's my pleasure to introduce Luis Alberto del Paraná and Los Paraguayos.

Thank you.

Very good.

Very good.

Ha ha ha.

Quelques instants, nous commençons notre petit tour de Paris, voir des

monuments, des statues, peut -être des cabarets avec des jolies femmes nues

dedans. Ça marche.

Oui, voilà, si, signores et signoras. En cinq minutes, nous allons voir tous les

statues de Paris et les monuments, et peut -être les filles belles.

Je ne sais pas, mais je crois.

Oh, madame.

Guten Abend, meine Damen und Herren.

In fünf Minuten, wir beginnen unsere ganz kleine Tour auf Paris.

Wir sehen alle Statuen und alle Monumenten.

Und vielleicht das ganze schöne Frau in das Cabaret.

Mit der kleinen Kürze mit der großen Böse.

Ja, mit einem ganz kleinen Stück Streptease.

Der Busenhalter.

That is very good.

Hello, everyone.

In a very few minutes, we're going to do a little tour of Paris and see all the

sights. I'm receiving great pleasure that you have come to see us, you know,

go around Paris.

And evidentially, you're going to see all the monuments. And maybe we finish

in the Pigalle and visit the cabarets with the beautiful knackered women.

Ça marche, hein? Very good. And if you have any questions to ask me, don't be

afraid to ask, because as you can see, I speak very well all the languages.

And now,

ladies and gentlemen, the first television presentation in this country

Getafe Ballet Company.

What is he supposed to be doing?

He's been locked up.

I'm not surprised.

Dressed like that.

Great Nancy.

I think he looks quite manly.

It's a question.

They're all the same, them ballet dancers.

I mean, they're all like that.

Hiltman goes to ballet classes and he's quite normal.

What, Cyril?

Normal? I tell you, he ain't.

Well, I know he is.

What did you say?

I'm watching.

Well, look, if he's normal, why is he running away from her?

I mean, if she was in my cell, you wouldn't catch me trying to escape.

I'd take me punishment like a man.

Look at old Wapser Fortnight.

Don't be vulgar in front of the child.

Well, she's not there.

No, it's in his mind.

He thinks she's there, but she's not.

Well, why do we have to have all this old load of rubbish? I mean, why can't

have plays about ordinary people? I mean, ordinary people like us.

Because, you see, we are your difficult TV audience.

Ladies and gentlemen, on the Benny Hill Show, it's a warm welcome for Miss Ira

Heath.

I'll sing to the sun in the sky.

I'll sing till the sun...

Carnival Day is here, magical time of year.

And as the hour draws near,

dreams lift my heart.

I'll sing as I hear the guitar.

day to stay.

the day is here magical time of year

and as the hour draws near

It's carnival day and day.

which you, the viewers, must wonder about, you know, about television.

I mean, take, for example, those commercials where there's a girl taking

or a shower.

I mean, don't you ever wonder how they're made and who was there and

what they were thinking?

Well, I did a commercial the other day, and actually, on the set, in the studio

next to us, they were doing one of these girl -in -the -bath commercials, you

know, so when I'd finished doing what I was doing, you know, I sort of...

casually strolled over there at 65 miles an hour.

And there was a very beautiful bath set, you see, and there was a very nervous

director pacing up and down, and suddenly through the door came the most

beautiful blonde -haired girl in her trousers that you've ever seen in your

life. And he went straight up to her and he said, Miss Hargreaves, are you ready

when you are?

Oh, we can't start till you're in the bath, can we?

Yes, it's for the commercial, for soap.

The agency told you soup.

Well, I do assure you it is soap.

Bath soap.

People don't take a bath with their clothes on, do they?

Yes, I realise it's extra money for taking your clothes off, but I'm sure

firm would be happy to pay the extra.

And if they won't, I will.

I'll have a whip round amongst the lads here, you see. Oh, only the essential

technicians will be here, my dear. As you can see, like the...

Car park attendant to me.

Canteen manager, yes. Well, don't worry, dear, because you will be under the

soapy water most of the time, you see. Harry will put his hand in and froth the

water all up, you see, before you get in, dear, yes.

Well, of course, if it goes flat while you're in it, we'll just have to rely on

Harry's self -restraint, won't we?

Yes, he will be holding the handheld camera on your back most of the time,

see. Only towards the end will he come round and hold it on your face.

Yes, it will be on your face. It may be shaking a little, but it will be on your

face, you see. Yes?

Well, if any scenes get in there that are a little bit too risque, don't

we will cut them out and throw them away.

You will? Fine. Will you go and change?

Righto, Harry, would you froth up the water? No, do it now, Harry. That's

lovely. Right, Miss Hargreaves? Right, you are in the bath. That's lovely.

Oh, you are a big girl, aren't you?

Just one thing, Miss Hargraves. Would you mind taking your dressing gown off?

Flop it over the side. That's lovely.

All right, Harry, there's no need to froth up the water. It's frothy.

You dropped your pen in there. Well, we'll just have to leave it till later,

won't we? Here we go. Now, take one.

That's lovely. Now, pick up the soap, dear. Cut, cut.

There's no need to stand up, Miss Hargraves.

Well, why did you stand up?

You found Harry's pen.

You can give it to him afterwards.

Right, oh dear. Here we go. Now, take two.

That's it. Crab round. Pick up the salt. Hold it up. Hold up the soap. Right,

cut. Oh, splendid. Thank you, Miss Hargreaves. You can go and change now.

Oh, excuse me.

Hello? Yes?

Oh, I see.

All right, thank you.

You'll never believe this, Miss Hargreaves, but it was soup.

Yes, soup.

I've never heard of soup.

It was market day in the village, and the crowds round the stalls was quite

dense. But what caught my eye was a stall -piled eye with a musical

And up the stall come a little old man, his clothes was all tattered and thin,

but his face come alight as his eyeballs caught sight of a beautiful old violin.

He yelled it up to the dealer.

He said, how much is this one then? He replied, that's a Stradivarius, my man,

that'll cost you four pound ten.

I can't afford that, said the little old man, and a lump come into my throat.

I was feeling quite chuffed, and so I stuffed in his hand a ten shilling note.

A crowd had gathered behind us, and I quickly went round with his act. When I

finished, I'd found I'd collected five pounds, so I took my ten shilling back.

Well, we gave the dealer the money, and this old man, so shabbily dressed,

picked up the violin.

stuck it under his chin, and he played like a man possessed.

He played fugues and cantatas, and orito -toito -toitos too, by

composers like Johann Sebastian Bach, to mention only a few.

He played waltzes by Strauss and Dee Floydamore and Tales from the Vienna

Then Tchaikovsky's Piano Concerto.

But he didn't play that quite so good.

Well done, cried the crowd when he'd finished.

And they gently patted his head. But the excitement was too much for the little

old man who unfortunately dropped down dead.

Well, we give the feeler his diddle, the dealer his fiddle.

Took back our money.

And then we picked up the old man, and we laid him to rest in the cemetery down

by the glen.

But sometimes at night, when the moon do shine bright, if I should happen to

stray up over the hill, it seems that still I can hear the whole man play.

Yes, the words of that popular song ring true, for though the old man is gone,

Yes, though the song is ended, the malady lingers on.

Thank you.

Thank you so much. And now, ladies and gentlemen, for some more of those awful

television moments which, when added together, make up a director's

I'm warning you, Zacho.

You harm one hair on her body and I'll break every bone in your head.

Hi, sweetie.

Come down to me.

Cut! I'm sorry.

Here we go, then.

Action!

Oh, Barnaby!

I'm just the happiest little ladle in the... Oh, sorry, John.

No, it's OK. Keep running. Right, take her out of here.

Action. Oh, Bodleby.

I'm just the... Oh, I'm so sorry, John.

Okay. Now,

are you okay? Yes, I'm okay now. Carry on. It'll be all right.

Not tired?

No.

Oh,

Barnaby. I'm just the happiest little lady in the whole...

Hi, sweetie.

See you down the pool, eh?

He likes you. He doesn't like me. What have you got that I haven't?

A lot of viewers complain that in chat shows on television, the same

interviewers are seen for year after year. And what's more, the same guests

cropping up as well.

Well, here at Thames, we do like to give newcomers a chance.

Now, here's Tommy Topper.

All righty.

Hello, everyone.

What is a mugwump?

A mugwump is a bird who sits on a fence with its mug over one side and its wump

over the other.

There's one.

Did you hear about the actor who was so conceited that he parked in lover's lane

by himself?

There's another one.

Or the actress, the actress who was so dumb she couldn't add up to two without

taking off her blouse.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, let's be serious for a moment because we

could... I'm falling for you tonight.

Well, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, we must be serious. This is a serious

matter. If... If you met somebody who was 107 years old, I'm sure that you

have a lot of questions to ask him. And I'm no different from anybody else. I

have a lot of questions to ask him. Here he is, 107 years old today, Eric

Moulton from Kimberley.

These things do happen, ladies and gentlemen.

If... If you met...

If I told you that three goals were scored today on the Lambton football

I don't suppose it would really surprise you. But when I tell you that they were

scored by the vicar of Lambton, I'm sure you will be surprised. He's come along

here tonight direct from the changing room. He's more than welcome. And here

is.

The Reverend Peter Wilby.

Whatever next?

Well... I... I feel

that we in the church should show that we're just the same as everyone else.

I mean, that we're human.

I see.

Well, we all have our little differences. I mean, as in industry,

think the important thing is to air one's differences from time to time.

You know, um... Bring them out into the open, so to

speak. Yes.

And, uh... As

for playing football... Yes. Well, I often think that... Life.

Life is very much like a football game, I mean. We're all struggling towards the

same goal. I mean, we all want to show what we're made of, don't we?

And I've nothing to hide. I like to be admired like the next man. Yes, I'm sure

you do.

Well, Vicar, you know, this is really moving the part I'm done.

What?

Sorry? I'm saying, it is most interesting though your part I'm done.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, I'm delighted that my next... My next

guest has come from the West End of London. He is one of London's biggest

Ends. I know you're going to make him very welcome. Here he is, Rodney

Fairchild.

Rodney.

Rodney.

It's splendid of you to come along and be my guest on this show. I really am.

You have been able to find time to come along. You have a reputation of being

quite a hell -raiser. Do you feel this reputation is justified in any way?

That you have?

This, you know, of being a hell -raiser. Do you feel in any way justified at

all? This reputation that you have?

No.

That's my style. It's just sort of newspaper publicity. They put labels on

people, don't they? They sort of, you know, they will put labels on, but I

suppose they put a label on you sort of more. You know, sort of like publicity.

Would you say it was publicity?

I suppose it's publicity.

Was it publicity?

Well, yes.

Oh,

well, honestly, yes, I'm quite surprised about that.

You tell me that does it worry you on this reputation wrong and fault that may

be I doesn't worry you at all the reputation that you've got In

any way at all No

Well,

there you are honestly either God talking with you or not Lovely to have

the show, but you know, we've got to move along Time to meet my last guest

evening. I know you're going to make her welcome. Here she is, the very lovely

West End star, Liza Moon.

Liza, it's lovely to have you

on the show.

What have you been doing lately? Are you still appearing in the West End?

Have you ever worked together? Have you worked with Liza at all?

Any of your shows together?

You've not had the pleasure of working? Have you ever worked with

Rodney at all?

Lovely having you all here.

It really is absolutely splendid.

the public wants new faces.

One in a row.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I could go on talking and having fun here all

but unfortunately the old clock on the wall says there's only 42 minutes to go.

Anyway, folks, tune in again this time next week and see Crossroads.

Now it was just ten years ago when I was seventeen.

I came to the city searching for a dream while I wandered down

into Soho.

They said it was always done at three o 'clock in the morning in search of

innocent fun.

Keep away from the girls of the Sousa bar.

Now the ladies inside, they play all kinds of games, said the girl at the

with pride.

I thought she meant games like tiddlywink.

So I ventured inside.

She said some of them are naughty girls.

Ooh, that started me thinking.

I might catch one of them having a tiddle when she ought to be winking.

And they said, son, keep away from the girls of the Suza bar.

Now Susie, she came and she sat next to me.

Her complexion was just like a rose, but I couldn't help noticing a little mark

across the bridge of her nose.

She said, that mark that you're staring at was caused through glasses, my dear.

I said, why don't you use contact lenses?

She said, they don't hold enough beer.

And they said, son, keep away from the girls of the Sousa bar.

Susie, she took me upstairs to a room and she handed me the keys.

She said, this room's to be let as it stands with all that you can see.

And are you to be let with the room, said I in the most ambiguous tone.

She said, I am not to be let with the room.

I'm to be let alone.

But I wish I could hear the warning I got from my mother -in -law.

They say, son, keep away from the girls of the Seuss bar.

But that was all so many years ago.

Now, Susie, she is my wife.

And I've often said that the day that we wed was the happiest day of my life.

Why, I gave the preacher a five -pound note.

He looked at me kind of strange.

And then he stole my Tuesday, and he gave me four pounds and change.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Cause now I live the life of ease, and I ride in a big fat car.

I smoke a big cigar.

I live just like a czar.

on champagne and caviar, and the beautiful, wonderful girls of the

Thank you.

Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen.

Jolly nice being with you again, and we look forward to seeing you all again

very, very soon. Bye for now.