All language subtitles for Benny Hill - s01e02

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Betty
Hill Show.

There he is. Betty Hill.

Now the dogs who roam across the Mexican
desert could give a horse 20 yards

start. They have to run fast in the
Mexican desert because the trees are so

apart. I ride across that desert and I
think of my sweetheart.

My happy heart's longing to shout that I
love Juanita Bonita Dolores. I just

hope the wife never finds out. I love
Juanita Bonita Dolores.

Happy forever I'll be with you.

Juanita Bonita Dolores. Wait on her
happy end before me.

I ride through Merida and I see a young
maiden. Her eyes, they are bright with

desire.

I cannot help looking as I see her
cooking dumplings on her open fire.

She wears a sombrero and a dress that's
got solo.

It's bright and it's green as the
clover.

I near lose my nerve. I can't help but
observe that her dumplings are boiling

over. I love Juanita Dolores.

Happy forever I'll be.

Juanita, Juanita Dolores.

Waits on her hat.

but my village left me a message. I read
it and I stand there aghast. She says,

Dear Don Pedro, I'm writing this slowly
because I know you can't read very fast.

Oh, I love you only, but I got so lonely
I could not wait for you to come.

So I went to Nevada and I married your
dada, yours sincerely, Mom.

No more will I see Bonita Dolores, a
bachelor I'm destined to be.

No more on -

not surpassing Georgie Best at his very
best.

Look at that.

Gil, just look.

Just watch the way you take it.

Magnus.

of the skill of this amazing player and
Ginger Tompkins. And now here to talk

about Ginger Tompkins to Percy Varmint
is the captain of Dimpton City football

team, Ernie Sutch.

Now, Ernie, as the captain of Dimpton
City football team, all right, it's fast

becoming known Ginger Tompkins Liberal.

that Ginger is entirely responsible for
this sudden upsurge of female football

attendances. Would you agree?

Oh, yes. Well, he's so lovable, you see.

We love him, you see. I mean, if there's
any function or anything, if there's

any girls there, the girls don't want to
know me and the rest of the team, you

know.

They're off after him, you know. Because
he's so lovable, you see.

Is there no jealousy?

Oh, no, no. You couldn't be jealous of
anyone as lovable as that. The rest of

the team, we...

We just wash up the ground that he plays
on.

I think the world of it.

I believe that Ginger earns more money
than the whole of the rest of the team

put together.

Yes, he does.

He's so lovable, you see.

What's his home life like?

Oh, he's got a lovely little wife, you
know, and a couple of lovely little

you know.

I only wish I could say something nice
about that red -headed tart he's

on with, but...

Nothing nice about people saying nothing
else about Iceland.

Now, when Ginger's playing, I mean, your
attendance must be in the region of

about 40 to 45 ,000 spectators.

What sort of attendance did you get when
Ginger's not playing?

About 28, 29.

Thousand. No people.

So lovable.

Ernie, you must be one of the oldest
captains still playing first -class

football.

And, of course, things haven't been
going all that well for you just

have they?

Oh, no, no. I mean, you've had one or
two rather ropey seasons, haven't you?

How old are you now, Yanni?

Forty -eight? Forty -seven.

I mean, you must find it a wee bit
difficult trying to keep up with this

young chub, this young genius, this
phenomenon.

He's so lovable, he is.

Tell me, tell me, tell me, Yanni, what
would you do? What would happen right

now? Say Ginger was in the penalty area.

What would he do if someone sold him a
dummy?

Probably stick it in his mouth, the
juvenile little twit.

And then he'd hit the ball. And he'd
score.

And he'd stop the game. Why?

He'd have to drag his head out from
between the goalposts, the little big

But what would you do without him, Ed? I
don't know, but I'd like to try.

He's not lovable, he's horrible.

I hate him, and I'm glad I hate him. If
I didn't hate him, I'd like him, and I

hate him. Well, I think that's all we
have time for now. We'd better go over

the...

For wrestling with Ken Wilton. Here at
the assembly rooms in Loganbury, it's

time for the main part of the evening
between Two Ton Grudge and Big Ben from

Ballon.

Christmas, Tom.

You should see our Christmas tree, Tom.

It's all home, home, home, home with
fairy lights.

Here, look at that one in blue down
there.

Cool. That bird, I wouldn't half like
to... Take her out.

Do you want me to throw you at her?

No, I might see something better. Who
knows?

been upsetting you again, Tom? Yes, yes.

You know you're trouble, don't you? No.

You're too soft.

Hearted. She's making my life a misery,
Ben.

I don't know what's come over you, Tom.

Honestly, honestly, Tom, I've never seen
you like this before.

I think there's someone else.

That puts you in a very awkward
position, doesn't it?

You know your trouble, don't you? No.

Well, she's nothing to look at. What do
you mean? She's good -looking, sir.

All right, all right. She's good
-looking, yeah. She's very attractive,

I know why.

What? You fancy her, don't you? No, no,
no.

bed drinking champagne.

Cheeky devil.

He's got a bird with him.

Oh, she's funny.

Oh, she's big.

You don't get many of them to a pound,
I'll bet.

Lovely.

Oh, she's taking her coat off.

She's got a nightdress on underneath.

Oh, be prepared, eh, Thelma?

It's a red one the same colour as that
one I bought you for Christmas.

Can't take my -

Can't take my eyes off you

Thank you.

Thank you.

And down, ladies and gentlemen, for some
more of those awful moments of

television when things don't go...

Speak to me while I'm working.

I'm sorry.

Honestly, don't start that little chant.

Another time, another place, another

world.

Here's another song.

We're waiting for our next contestant.

Who am I speaking to who wants to play
the golden chute?

Jasmine there, Mrs. Stoney.

Yes, here it is.

Hello, Mrs. Stoney.

Now, we want you to try and burst the
bubble on our cleanliness target. The

bubble that's coming out of the chimney
there.

So, Barney, the bolt.

And, Mrs. Stoney, you've got just 30
seconds to hit our target, starting from

now.

He left.

Yes, Mr. Stoney, you've got an electric
cooker with eye -level grill, if you

kneel down, and an all -electric fridge,
so don't get a shock when you take it

over.

Oh, yes. Yes, of course.

Barney, the boat.

Oh, that's fine. Do you have any
hobbies, Mr... Oh, yes, yes. I've got

I'm very keen on hobbies.

Dahlias. Dahlias. Oh, yes. Oh, lovely
blooms every year. Lovely blooms. That

most uninteresting. I can't see a thing.

Well, you've got just 20 seconds to beat
the...

please, and you've got just 20 seconds
to... Don't touch it!

Don't!

It's a very little thing, ain't you?

Ain't you very little...

of the reason, and I've just received a
message. In fact, I've had the wink.

He is now ready in the studio, so let us
go straight over there now.

Good evening, sir.

I believe you are under the impression
that you have come here to receive a

presentation.

Yes. Well, I have to tell you, George
Podmore, musician and extraordinary

composer, man of letters, this is your
life.

No,

no, no, George, don't go, please. Just
sit down there, make yourself at home,

and just be our guest for a little
while.

Now, I want you to listen very
carefully, George, and I wonder if you

this voice.

Straight ahead for woolens and twinsets,
over on the right for skirts and

blouses.

Now, George, do you recognize that
voice?

because it is your old friend, Stan
Moore from Romford.

Hello, Mr. Renos.

Andrews. Andrews.

I'm in epithetic mood tonight.

So, you are Stan Moore from Romford? No.

I am Ron Moore from Stanford.

I have 15 children, and my hobby is
flying my kite.

Furthermore... Sir Stan. Ron.

I'm sorry, Ron. Now, Ron, I believe that
you first met George Podmore here at

Niggles Haberdashers in 1932.

No. It was 1933.

I remember it quite well, because that
was the year I was transferred to the

ladies' lingering department.

And I might add, in that department, I
had one or two rather interesting and

amusing experiences, some of which were
true.

I remember once, for instance, I had the
honour of serving our Lady Maris with a

transparent niggly jean.

I bought one for my wife. It was lovely.
You could see right through to her

vest.

Ron, what sort of a person was he?

Who?

Him, George.

Oh, he was all right, but I myself...

I myself was in charge of the old
department, and I used to regale the

Maris with tales of all the assistants'
pranks.

At this, the Lady Maris, who's rather on
the plump side, fairly shook with

laughter.

They must have been quite a handful.

I beg your pardon?

George Podmore and his friends. Oh, yes,
yes.

You do know him, don't you? I've never
seen him before in my life.

What on earth are you doing here? Well,
isn't this Opportunity Knox? Is this

your life?

Oh, I thought it was Op Knox.

I've got a singing sanitary inspector
outside.

years even further back to those happy
carefree days of your youth back to your

school days in fact are Crabtree Lane
juniors now George I want you to listen

very very carefully and tell me if you
remember this voice now Georgie stop

at once you naughty boy do you remember
that voice George no

well you should do because that is your
old school teacher Miss Emily Pringle

That's George over there. God, you have
changed.

What a pity.

We knew he wouldn't turn out to be much,
but we didn't know him quite as bad

as... What a pity.

I suppose all those lines are all the
result of riotous living, is it, eh?

No, certainly not. What a pity.

You haven't even enjoyed getting like
that, have you?

What was George like as a child? Well,
as a child, he was a delicate,

rather highly strung little boy.

You know, I should never forget the
first time I saw him. I came into the

classroom, and there he was, sitting at
his desk. And in his hand, he had a copy

of 101 stories that Nursey explains.

And he held it up to me, looked at me
with those big, grey, blue bloodshot

of his, and he said, book, book, like
that. I thought it was awfully sweet. He

was only 14.

ever have to cane him? No, I didn't
believe in the cane, you see. I had a

wonderful book on child psychology.

Used to belt him round the head with
that.

Zockity, zockity, zock, we used to go
happy days.

Now, wasn't he ever naughty?

No, he was naughty upon occasions, yes.
I recall one occasion when he... No, I'm

not going to tell about that.

I could hardly tell about that.

was rather naughty too. It was at the
end of a chemistry lesson and it

two of his other mistresses.

School.

Oh, I don't know. And myself. And oh
dear, what a calamity. The naughty boy

locked the three of us in the
laboratory.

Thank you very much. Wonderful.

Do you think I might have a chop chop?

you excelled in many different fields.

They made you football captain because
you were good at football.

They made you cricket captain because
you were good at cricket.

And they made you vice captain because
you were good at organizing things.

You left school and you took on several
jobs.

A faggot maker's bottom knocker.

Olive stopping in a pickle factory.

But at all times you kept up your hobby.
The hobby that you found so satisfying

and rewarding.

Now, George.

I wonder, do you recognize the sound?

George, do you recognize those dulcet
tones?

No. Well, you should do, because it's
your old friend from the Tidmarsh brass

band, Fred...

You never said it was a caramel, did
you?

Now, what are those long creakers back
there?

Now, Fred.

Yes, sir.

Fred, I believe that you knew him well.
I knew the old family, sir. I knew his

sister. I was at his wedding.

He was there. He was at his sister's
wedding. Did he give her away? Never

word, sir.

She did. She was all dressed in white,
sir. In white.

Didn't fool anybody, mind you.

It was like a long dress. It was one of
the long ones, you know. You mean it

fell to the ground?

Not while I was there, it didn't.

I don't know about any other. Tell me,
what instrument did he play?

What didn't he play, sir?

He used to play classics, anything he
wanted to play, rock and roll, skiffle.

never tied him down, sir. Unless it was
a full moon.

And then, by George, we had two, sir.

Full moon, a Will Swift, a packet of

crisps and a tizer, and he was off!

Wheel gone!

Crazy man! Yes, not up, yes, the ear.

stands we used to go on, eh? The one
night stands.

Oh, yes. George, do you remember the one
night stands?

Oh, yes.

All male performers.

No, no, no. An all male orchestra.

Yes. Well, all except Amy Hardcastle.
She was a woman. You remember that.

Was she a virtuoso?

When she joined, she was.

He would know more about that than I
would.

She played the cello. The cello? Side
saddle.

You know, it's very dangerous.

One slip, sudden death.

That's what caused the fracas on the
podium, sir.

The fracas?

On the podium, yes.

Between... No, I'm not going to...
You're not luring me into that. No.

The thing is, you see, she would be
placed about here.

I should stand back about here.

You see, she'd be bowing across here.

You see, Boeing blowing across the air,
you see. And he would be standing about

here, you see, in close proximity to
her.

And he had a very short base.

He's like that, you see.

You haven't forgotten she's here.

I mean, well, sir, come the overture to
the Hebrides. That's all right, sir, you

know. The four Indian love lyrics by Amy
Woodford bypass.

a Lopperton serenade.

Yes. All right, sir. All right.

But imagine what would happen, sir, with
Poet and Pheasant.

He'd jump, he'd jump, and he'd pull,
pull, pull, pull, pull, like that, you

I get the point.

So did he, sir.

We should do something together one day.

Not 1980, sir. Yes.

Oh, indeed, sir, yes. He was very upset
because he was walking about on tippy

-toe for months, you know, sir. He was
three foot six when he joined the band,

you know. That, you know, the way to
grow, sir, indeed, sir, yes. Was there

of a feud of any kind? Oh, there was a
feud, sir, yes. A lot of animosity, sir.

Oh, really? Oh, we used to rehearse at
her house, and one night, sir, she

accused him of transposing his pizzicato
all over her crescendo.

And Paddy? He hadn't left the house,
sir.

Hadn't been near the flower beds all
night.

But he... I see, yes.

He was keen.

Oh, keen as mustard, sir. I'll tell you
something, sir. The band mascot used to

live at his house.

The band mascot?

Yes. And what was it?

It was a man -eating Nicaraguan
wildebeest.

My goodness.

And where did this wildebeest sleep?

Anywhere it wanted to.

It's memory lane tonight, boss.

Tell me, did this have any effect on his
married life? No, that... No, that

didn't stop at the bass playing, dear.
Oh, I see. He was so keen on his... It

caused the divorce, sir. Divorce? Didn't
you read about it, sir? I never did,

no. It was in the news of the world.
Really? No, tell a lie to the melody

Oh.

I get them muddled up.

Frequently, you see. No, sir. He was so
keen on his bass playing, playing...

He used to dream he was playing his bass
at night. No.

In bed.

Next to his wife.

I mean, sir, in the middle of the night,
he'd grab his wife round the neck with

one hand.

He'd slap her on the tummy with the
other.

And he'd shout out, Go, man, go!

And it must be jelly, cos jam don't
shake like that.

Sir, you're a mystery o 'clock in the
morning, sir. It's unbelievable. I know,

sir, because he had every opportunity,
you poor old thing.

He, sir,

he, sir, could have been one of the
finest singers in the country, could,

taught him how to sing, took him
clacker, clacker, flexibility, sir.

Yes, sir, I taught him to sing like Ema
Sumac.

How did you manage to get him to sing so
high?

That is a trade secret.

I could not divulge that.

Otherwise they'd all be at it, wouldn't
they, sir? You wouldn't be able to tell

Mick Jagger from Petula Clark.

Not without looking at them.

Then you'd have a job.

Well, now, I wonder, Fred Scuttle, if
you could manage to sum up in just a few

words George Podmore's character for me.
Yes, I can say this, sir, and I'm sure

I can say this without any fear of
contraception whatsoever.

is one of the finest, most noble, most
hard -working gentlemen you could wish

meet. And it's not just my opinion.

It isn't all.

That

was

your old friend, Fred Scott. Do you
remember him now, George? Ah, I do.

you know, we go to great lengths on this
programme to bring you all your old

friends. It took quite a lot of effort
and string pulling to get our next guest

along. You helped to shape his life and
his career.

And I'm sure you will be delighted, as
everybody else will be here, and

to meet your own son, Richard.

Thank

you

so much, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you
for being with us, and we look forward

to seeing you all again very, very soon.
Till then, bye -bye.