Original subtitles

Mr. Vance, after you made the award -winning film New Girls, you became

a director of porn movies.

Why?

Because I wanted to explore human sexuality with more honesty, especially

sexuality.

Women always seem a mystery to me.

Is that when you began dressing as a woman?

Yes.

Yes, I think so.

I just felt that if I wore a woman's clothing, I'd feel like a woman.

Young John? I just want to understand.

He likes the feel of smoke against your skin.

Your size.

I enjoy all that is sexual.

Then, are you capable of an erection?

Certainly, Dr. Desire.

Mr. Bent, have you ever had a

heterosexual relationship?

Yes. Once.

Was it satisfying?

Absolutely.

It bewildered me.

I want you to look at me, Mr. Burns.

Look at my vagina.

What do you think of vaginas, Mr. Burns?

Now, let's do some more playing.

I want you to make friends with my vagina.

Talk to it, and it will talk back to you.

Exposed.

You're a terrible sexual, Mr. Best.

Very terrible sexual.

Alice. You're late.

Okay. Okay.

Yes, you are.

I've been waiting for you.

You're so cold.

Could you warm me up?

so nice and warm.

You're so big.

Bigger things are yet to come.

What the hell is going on, sweet Alice?

You're not sleeping on the job, are you?

No, ma 'am.

I was just... You're supposed to be getting me the story on this Peter Dent

It's Bent, and he's not... Don't start in on who is and who isn't.

Now, you said you could get the goods on him, and I'm giving you the chance of a

lifetime.

Guy's working on some new movie. Nobody knows anything about it except the name.

What is it? Oh, Legend of the Golden Oyster.

You haven't forgotten, have you?

No, ma 'am.

I haven't been thinking of anything else.

Look, don't bother kissing my ass.

Just get me my goddamn story.

What's this?

Listen,

girly.

You're headed straight for trouble.

Trouble? That's a news girl's life.

I love it.

It's what I live for.

Seems to me you like it too much.

You're jealous because I'm as good at it as you are.

Maybe you are, and maybe you're not.

What does that mean?

Are you saying I'm... Yes?

Hello? What are you still doing at home?

Look, I don't pay you to sit around diddling yourself.

Get me my goddamn story!

The last two reporters I sent out there got run off by that Diesel Dyke

bodyguard. Yes.

Now you better deliver.

I will, Ms. Schwarzfeld.

I won't let you down.

I promise.

I promise I'll get you the real story.

Fuck the real story.

I want something that'll sell newspapers.

Now, my nose tells me that there's a real bit of dirt to be dug up here, and

want it, Alice. You understand?

Nobody. Nobody.

Gets nominated for Director of the Year, and then totally disappears from sight

unless... Unless he's got

something to hide.

Now look, my sources say they're working late, so I want you to get over there

now.

But he said he wanted to pursue his art.

Art fart!

I've heard all kinds of stories about what he likes, but nobody's been able to

pin down anything concrete.

I feel gossip, Alice.

Gossip. Not lawn chairs, not political opinion.

Dirty gossip.

And it's your job to dig it up, you understand?

Now find out who he's fucking.

What if he just wants to be alone?

Don't you smart mouth me, Missy.

Make something up, damn it. Get me pictures and we'll doctor one.

But Ms. Schwartzfeld, I'm just... You're just... You're just... You're just a

wet -nosed pussy.

Fresh out of college. And if you screw this job up, honey, I'll see that you

never work in this town again.

Got it?

What the hell do you think you're doing?

I'm not armed. I'm not a burglar. Once you're not a burglar, then who the fuck

are you?

I'm a reporter and a fan of Mr. Bentz.

Oh, really?

Peter doesn't give interviews.

Well, who are you?

I am Magda.

This is my studio.

You are a trespasser, and trespassers will be dealt with.

Well, listen, my editor sent me on this story.

If I come back empty -handed, I'll get... You might end up going back empty

-handed, sweetheart.

Uh, Ms. Schwarzfeld, I think I met that diesel bike.

Sleeve Magazine goes to press in 24 hours, you moron. Now get me that

story.

Do whatever you have to do.

Oh, charming.

Dulcinea Schwarzfeld.

Fucking old cow.

What the hell are you pulling here, huh?

Well, the young bitch was right. It is the muck -diving diesel dyke. What

is today's pussy, honey?

Not yours.

You wish.

No, dear, you wish. The only thing that's been close to that dried -up old

lot is a douchebag novel.

At least it'll floss my teeth with pussy hairs.

Take that ham hock out of your mouth and kiss my sweet ass, you wrinkled old

fart bag.

No thanks, dear. Not my week for bull dykes.

The only thing around here large enough to be called bull is you, you mug

-slinging old cow. Now take that trashy paper of yours and wipe your fat ass

with it.

You thought you could come in here and hack my Peter up with some story for

that... Rag you work for, hmm?

Um, yeah.

Uh, this is my first job in... Magna!

We're gonna have to shoot well after midnight, okay?

No problem, darling.

Who is this lost creature?

She's a reporter for one of those tabloid rags. She wants an interview.

That's too bad.

Looks like you, uh...

That's a lot of trouble to get here.

Trouble? I love it.

It's a new girl's life.

That's what I live for.

Well, maybe you like it too much.

You're just jealous.

I'm as good at it as you are.

Maybe you're right.

And maybe you're not.

Okay. See you, Steve.

Any spots left, Megan?

Just the barmaid and a hooker.

A barmaid and a hooker.

A barmaid who hooks.

Ha! I love it.

Hold it.

Okay, you may have pulled that one off. Very clever.

Peter says you stay, you stay.

Let me tell you something.

You fuck this film up. I am going to eat your pussy to hell and back.

Now, into makeup.

Now, the first time I ever worked for Mr. B, it was on a film called, let me

think, Anal Something.

Um, Anal Maniacs. No, that wasn't it either. That was a DP in an office.

Oh, God.

Um, oh, this is really good.

Ski bunnies. Anal snow bunnies. That's what it was.

Anal snow bunnies. What's your name, honey?

Um, I'm the bartender that hooks.

Nice to meet you, bartender who hooks or whatever.

I'm Lana.

Welcome to porno land.

Thanks. Um,

I'm Alice.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Do you have a changing room?

You're standing in it, honey.

Like I was saying, the first time I worked for Mr. B was in anal snow

There I was, setting my totally perfect -to -die -for body to win.

Hey, good fucking.

What are you doing on my float, dude?

Are you new around here?

I'm new all over, handsome.

Rad.

What's wrong, babe?

You, like, got way on cool thoughts or something?

I seem to have my skis full.

Bro. You wouldn't have to have one, would you?

I might be able to accommodate you.

Is this, like, what you're looking for?

Maybe.

Mmm.

Oh.

Wow.

Thank you.

Long time no fuck.

It's been two days.

Oh, yeah, that's right. I'm gangbanging a minivan.

Sorry about that cum up your nose.

Uh -uh.

I'm in faith.

So, uh, how about a little warm -up?

Huh? I'm a star.

My fluffing days are over.

How about you? You fluffing?

No, I don't think so.

Christ. Anybody?

Oh, all right. Show Harden, I'll make it spit.

You, uh, new here?

Uh, yeah.

I guess so.

Great. You working again?

Um, I don't think so.

I'm just a bartender.

Don't we all?

No, actually, I'm a reporter. Being a piece on Peter Bent.

Peter Bent? That loser?

He should be doing a story on me instead. I'm the real stud around here.

Dream on, pretty boy.

All done.

Thanks, baby.

Love ya.

You're next, honey.

God, who did that?

I know, he's an asshole.

But he's an asshole with a big dick.

And speaking of sucking dick, he needs some lips on you for the money shot.

Money shot?

Is that like a close -up?

The splash shot?

The splash shot?

Chism, cum, ejaculation, all over your face.

It's what the audience pays for, honey.

Actors on the set.

Let's make a movie, folks.

Places, everyone.

Mysteries of the Marrakesh.

The adventures of the Golden Oyster await us.

The G -Spot Club.

The worst old bar in all of Marrakesh.

The joints smell like the devil's jockstrap.

But it was there that they said I'd find the fat man.

Welcome to the G -Spot. What would that be?

Whiskey and water.

Hold the water.

This whore was definitely a gunslinger.

Gunning for the cock.

Hello, dollface.

Are you looking for some action tonight?

But your balls will be real blue from being in the jungle for so long.

We're running a special tonight.

50 % discount on guys with really big dicks.

I'm Dirk Steele.

You must be the fat man.

And you, my good man, are late.

Shit out of luck.

Yeah, what's this about me being shit out of luck?

Too late, pal.

Wash beat you out of the job.

He's on his way down the...

He's liable to double -cross for that, ain't he?

Nah. He thinks it's just a trinket.

Hasn't a clue to its real power.

What's this about power?

The man who possesses the golden oyster.

Possesses unlimited sexual power.

An eternal hard -on.

But a man dare not open the oyster.

and gaze into it, for he'll be cursed, destroyed.

But a woman, on the other hand, may look into the oyster with impunity

and will be rejuvenated sexually and become a goddess of love.

Well, for your sake, Batman, I hope your man doesn't fail.

He sounds like a dangerous job.

I gave him a copy of my map.

All he had to do was make it to the headwater of the Coney River.

Of course, now, the oyster was in possession of a tribe of Amazon women.

Rather nasty creatures.

Nymphomaniacs, a lot of them.

They worshipped the oyster.

It was their idol.

Death to the infidel.

Death to those who steal our fate.

Death to those who heed not the power.

Well,

I guess we're partners.

Well, let's get the hell out of here, partner.

Gird your loins, Dirk Steele.

You have some real competition on this mission.

So, how was I in that last scene, Mr. B?

You were beautiful, my dear.

Just the right mixture of innocence and passion.

I can't wait to see you fuck.

See me?

Fuck. The worst fuck.

It's funny how you can do it, but you can't say it.

Whether I make love or not is none of your business.

Oh, but it is.

It's very much my business.

You see, that's when you can get to the heart of it. The inner essence of

someone. When it's all in the line.

You know the feeling, sir.

That initial feeling of penetration.

That feeling of...

Insertion. I think I know exactly what you mean.

It's okay.

You just have to take life one inch at a time.

Mr. B needs to be alone with his muses now, darling. He doesn't have time for

the likes of you.

Besides, it's time to do the girly thing.

girly thing? You know, make up the twat cocktail.

Freshen up. Douche!

Douche, honey, there's no smelly pussies on my set.

So, our ambitious barmaid and Dirk Steele become reluctant partners in the

for the golden oyster.

I love it.

Sleep is Dirk Steele's worst enemy.

For if he succumbs, the girl will search his pockets, steal his half of the map,

leading to the golden oyster.

Goddamn bitch!

Huh? Huh?

I've done three times in the last hour.

Look at my dick.

It's still as hard as a gold digger's heart.

Tell me about it.

I still, I'll tell you about it. I still want to come.

I want to come more.

Why don't you give me a minute to fix my face?

Come more. No, come on. Have you looked in the oyster?

No.

Why, what's in it?

According to legend, your sexual prowess is going to grow stronger.

Well, you sure you're up for it?

Uh -huh.

Yeah. Oh yeah.

Up. Down.

Up.

Suck the life out of her. Suck it.

Suck it.

Suck the cum out of her.

Give it to her.

Give it to her.

Give it to her.

Yes.

Give it to her.

Now. Now.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

Thank you.

Two minutes of film left.

I need this.

Do it for me? Yeah, yeah. Whatever, man.

Shut up. Come on, guys.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh I don't have any more film. I can't get any more. I have two minutes left.

That's it.

Can you do it?

Why don't we just fake it, all right?

No, we don't fake cum shots on mice.

You want the money shot? Why don't you do it yourself?

You know what? To take my film, I can and I will.

All right, everybody, brace yourselves.

Here comes the ultimate splash shot.

No way. You're going to fucking stunt for me?

But I'll bet your entire paycheck for this production that I will be your

dick for my money shot.

Okay. You're on. But, uh, I picked a girl, all right?

Be my guest.

It's her.

Her?

No. She's, um... She's what?

She's what?

She's perfect.

You sure you want to do this?

I've never been any more sure in my life.

This moment's going to mean a lot to me.

Let me just switch into something more comfortable, okay? And you can just have

me.

Go with me.

Stick around.

It'll probably be interesting.

Thank you, God.

Oh.

Oh, God.

Oh, dear.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, fuck it.

Yeah.

Oh, yes.

Take it. Take it. Take it now. Now.

So, what happens now?

Well, I think... I think they're winning

those in our future.

Oh, my God. I'm so happy for you guys.

Well, I'm glad that you're happy for us. You guys obviously belong together.

Yes, obviously.

Because I...

I'm just man enough for you.

Well, I... I'm just woman enough for you.

Middletonia Schwarzfeld, I presume?

You're goddamn right it is, Miss Smarty Pants. You got my story, hmm, on the

vent character?

No story.

No pictures.

No nothing.

What the fuck did you just say, hmm?

You're telling me my press is rolling less than 24 hours and I don't have a

cover story?

I should have skinned you alive, you goddamn... Schwartzy, baby, calm down.

You're gonna have a stroke.

Don't tell me what to do.

You conniving, tight -ass little bitch.

You can take your rolling presses and stick them.

Then you can kiss my tight ass.

You can't talk to me like that.

You'll never get away with this, you hear me?

You'll never work in this town again.

Yeah, that's right.

Who do you think you are?

Who am I?

I'm a newspaper girl, Miss Schwarzfeld.

Guess what?

I've been told I'm never going to work in this town again.

Well, I'm sure you can get any job you want once you submit pictures of our

wedding.

And our honeymoon, too, if you want to come.

Well, two's company.

And three's an orgy.

Well, trouble is the news girl's life. Yes, it is, and if I got trouble for

you...

Peter.

Peter, come here.

I'm waiting for you.

Peter,

come

here.

Peter, you were great tonight.

I bet you don't even remember who I am.

How was your very first piece of ass?

So, Peter, how was your first time?

Was it all you imagined it was going to be?

There's a little something for you, too.

I can't wait to see you fuck.

Fuck.

Oh, I said it.

Okay. Hello?

Oh, my God, I'm choking.

I'm choking on chow mein.

Alan, funny, you still there? I wasn't supposed to hang up.

Yeah.

What do you think of vagina, Mr. Benz?

Welcome, Princess Luana Buana.

We... Fuck, say it again, quick.

Welcome, Princess... So, how are we letting barmaid and Bercadillo become?

I have to pee.

I have to pee.

I have to pee.