Original subtitles

"Jackie Onassis had hidden the Walther PPK pistol

in her round hat.

"As the motorcade approached the Texas Book Depository window,

"she knew this was her only chance to finally murder her husband."

This is bullshit.

Bullshit?

How the hell would he know?

Well, for a start, her name wasn't Jackie Onassis

when she was married to Kennedy.

It was Jackie Kennedy!

Oh! So, he's a historian as well as a shitty actor!

OK, but did you know she was having an affair with Onassis at the time?

No, she wasn't!

She didn't meet Onassis until many years later.

Come on, you got to help me out with this guy.

Clem Fandango!

What do you think? Do I need this shit?

Yeah, and who told you Jackie Kennedy assassinated her husband?

Who told me? A few guys told me.

A couple of guys who were there.

But more importantly, Arnold Schwarzenegger!

What?!

So, he was there, too, was he?

No, he wasn't there, you asshole!

He was married to the Kennedys!

Which one? All of them?

All right, you... You know what?

Maybe we should crack on, guys?

You know, hell of a lot to get through.

Hi, Sola, this is Clem Fandango. Can you hear me?

Yes, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.

What do you... what do you want?

Nothing. I was just making sure you can hear me.

Look, do we have to use this Toast guy?

His attitude stinks, he sounds like George Lazenby,

he's not professional at all, his delivery is terrible.

And don't get me started on his hair..

What, is he saying something? Sorry, I've lost Sola's sound.

Maybe we should continue with me just reading the book?

OK, Steven, maybe... maybe we do that.

Yeah.

Yeah, we've got another 95,000 words to get through, Steven.

"She thought of her millionaire Greek lover

"and of her philandering presidential husband.

"Soon she would be free of Jack and enjoying the high life

"on one of Onassis's luxury yachts."

This is so great, Jennifyer.

Can I just ask a question, Mr Chickentoss?

Call me Richard. Go ahead.

Isn't this more like the kind of thing a hospital visitor would do

rather than a doctor?

That is such a great question.

But, occasionally, a doctor may place a vase beside a patient

to make them feel more comfortable

before giving them some terrible news.

Oh, right.

OK, I get it. No, they wouldn't...

OK. So, everybody, grab your stethoscopes

from beneath your chairs.

David, you want to try this?

Just place the stethoscope around your neck

and look concerned.

Uh... Steven, we've not seen much from you today.

Would you like to try that?

Yeah...

Wow.

That's very, very good, Steven.

Have you played a doctor before?

No. Uh, well, I...

..played a vet in an episode of The Archers for Radio 4,

but I think they lost the tapes.

I see.

Now, could you try listening?

Yeah.

OK, listening is very important in doctor acting.

Imagine that a patient is telling you

his or her terrible symptoms.

Oh...!

It's very obvious to me that you've played doctors before.

It's so obvious.

I haven't.

Follow that!

OK, everyone, that's all for today.

We'll see you tomorrow, except for Steven.

Honestly...

..I have nothing more to teach you.

Good Lord.

Hi, uh, Steven.

I've been doing doctor acting classes for ten years,

and I have never seen anything like what you did today.

Really?

I mean, that was nothing.

I'm actually here in the States because I'm playing the lead role

in the new Star Wars movie.

Yeah, sure

What?

Are you playing Dr Spock?

Doctor who?

Oh, Doctor Who.

I don't think anyone watches that over here any more.

Anyway, would you mind...?

You know, I've been meaning to ask you a question.

You're an actor. Right.

How do you cry on camera?

Well, it's a good question.

Mostly applies to straight actors, and by "straight" I'm not referring

to their sexual orientation.

I mean serious dramatic actors.

Actors who cannot do comedy.

Your not funny, so how do you do it?

Well...

..I just focus on a spot in the distance,

I think about snakes, monsters, aliens - all under my bed -

and when that thought gets too much, I cry.

Puta de madre!

Hay un hombre ahi abajo...

Some guy blocking the entrance where?

Show me.

Hey!

Get out of there!

You're blocking the entrance to my building!

What's happening?

Some homeless guy and his mattress

right in front of the doorway down there.

You believe that shit?!

Ugh...

How about that, buddy?

Ah...! You like that?

Huh? Argh!

Yo conozco ese hombre.

Si...

No es tu papa?

Was that man out there your father?

Yeah! So what?!

Haven't seen him in 40 years, since I was five.

Did he leave home when you were five?

I left home when I was five.

I had enough of those assholes.

Fuck...

Was that really his father?

Can I just start by saying Mark Ruffalo absolutely

loved your audition. What?

He said he follows you on the Twitter and the Instagram,

which is where he noticed your tweet announcing your donation

to his Climate Solutions Project.

How many people retweeted that? Was it two million?

You're getting me confused with another actor!

Oh, yeah.

I'm Steven Toast.

Ah, shit, so you are, yeah.

I'm getting confused.

It's been a busy morning.

Do you know anyone in LA with a spare room?

I need to move out.

Russ Nightlife is driving me crackers.

You want to move out, you need cash, buddy.

Everybody knows there's money in playing doctors.

Who knew you'd be such a goddamn natural?

You sure impressed the hell out of Richard Chickentoss.

I didn't do anything. I don't know what all the fuss is about.

Oh, we have to strike while the iron's red hot, baby!

You know a Bellender Bojangles?

Belinda Bojangles?

No, BELLENDER Bojangles.

Unusual name.

Though, we are in the US of A.

She's producing a new TV show set in a hospital,

it's the latest vehicle for Carmen.

You've heard of Carmen, right? No.

The audition is tomorrow.

I'm going to call Bellender now.

Brooke! That car!

Bell.

Sure.

Steven! Hi!

My name's Hoop Kaaak -

that's Kaaak with three As - director of the show.

Bellender's a little late, but, you know, that's all right.

We can get to know each other a little bit. Steven!

I'm Bellender Bojangles. I'm sorry I'm late.

Brooke has told me all about you.

I am so excited to meet you.

This is so super exciting.

Bellender, I love your shoes.

Oh, thank you.

They're the latest thing.

They're based on the horseshoes, which are actually nailed

on to your foot, so they're a perfect fit.

It's only very minor surgery, so...

Mm, they're great.

Hugs all round.

Oh!

What do we like here, Hoop? Hugs and smiles!

And what do we do here, Hoop?

We love entertaining people and we love making TV shows.

Do you want in, Steven?

Uh... I'm good, thanks.

I hear you just completed the doctor acting class

with Rich Chickentoss.

How'd that go for you?

We heard you kicked ass.

I didn't really do anything.

You are being humble, Steven. We don't do humble in this town.

Well, actually, the real reason why I am in this town

is cos I'm starring in the new Star Wars movie.

Yeah, sure.

Sorry?

Would you like to have a read of some of the script?

I'll find us some hard copies.

Uh, let me just stop you there, Hoop, if you don't mind.

Steven, would you be OK with improvising a little?

What?

I was thinking, you could just say some general doctor things.

You know, anything you like.

As long as they're doctor related.

Uh...

One more thing, Mrs Wisehunt.

Now, I've just seen your X-rays,

and you have six months to live.

Something else.

Are you unwell, Captain?

Oh, that's very good.

Really?

This is amazing. Keep going.

You try any more shit like that, Mrs Greenflash,

and I'll have to take your temperature.

Oh...!

Mother, you've got gout.

Probably due to the amount of whisky and cigars you consume!

That's so good.

Thank you.

May I ask, to be this good, I'm presuming you've worked

as an actual doctor, right?

No.

I once played a vet on an episode of The Archers on Radio 4,

but I think they lost the tapes.

It is uncanny.

I loved how you worked out that not only that your mother had gout,

but also how she got it.

Genius. Well, thank you.

You know, my own doctor was just fired for having sex

with his colleague's twin sisters.

Really?

Some guys have all the luck.

I'm sorry.

Yes...

Gina, would you tell everybody coming in later to audition

for the Doctor Grainger part not to bother?

Ooh, that's good.

I'm presuming you're new to LA, Steven? Where are you staying?

I'm staying with a friend. Well, he's not really a friend.

If I'm honest, I'm desperate to get out.

Well, I think you may be in luck.

I have a great place here in Beverly Hills,

but I recently moved out to Santa Monica.

Why don't you stay in my Beverly Hills apartment?

Really?

It's a fantastic penthouse.

Here, I'll give you the key now.

Thank you.

You can stay there as long as you want, rent-free obviously.

It's having a multi-million-dollar refurb at the moment.

But as soon as that's completed, it's all yours, Steven.

Should only be a couple of weeks.

Sounds splendid.

Welcome aboard, Steven!

My God, you are going to have such fantastic chemistry with Carmen.

She's in such a great place right now.

Remarried for the fifth time to Rodrigos, who we all love dearly.

You guys are going to be great together.

I'm so super excited to start!

Hot damn!

Thrust?

Steven.

You're here?

I've been here for three hours.

Ah, shoot! No-one told you?

No.

Oh. Sorry, Steven.

You see, Carmen is always three hours late.

So, if we say nine o'clock, we know she'll turn up at 12:00.

I'm so sorry, someone should have told you.

Hayley.

Why did you forget to tell Mr Toast not to turn up till 12:00?

Erm...

I don't think I was...

OK, Hayley.

Now I look like a douchebag in front of our actor.

So one of us has to leave the company.

Jesus, that's harsh.

My apologies, Steven.

That obviously won't happen again.

Come on, boys!

Come closer.

You know what turns me on!

♪ So, take your time Take it slowly

♪ Drink some wine It is lovely

♪ Let's make love Nice and sexy

♪ Let's make sex Nice and naughty

♪ Fuck these bitches

♪ Fuck 'em in the ass on my private jet... ♪

What? # You're economy class

♪ Suck my titties I'll smoke your grass... ♪

Jesus.

♪ Losing your mind when you're eating this ass... ♪

Good God!

♪ When you're eating this ass!

♪ Eating this ass. ♪

Hello, everybody! Hola!

Hello!

Mwah, mwah, mwah!

So, Hoop, you want to tell everyone a little bit about the show?

Yes. I'm Hoop Kaaak -

that's Kaaak with three As - the director of our show.

It's called The Hospital,

and it's about a hospital in New York for sick children,

which is run by a very conscientious doctor, called Doctor Grainger,

who will be played by Steven...

Steven, uh...?

Toast. Toast.

The hospital has no money, so the owners are forced to sell

to a glamorous, rich entrepreneur, called Trace Willoughby,

who is also a super bitch,

played by the extraordinary Carmen,

who, quite frankly, is no stranger to playing super bitches!

I am a super bitch!

Boo! Boo!

You love it. You love it!

You want it!

Boo!

Trace immediately plans to knock down the hospital

due to its value as prime real estate.

But can Doctor Grainger stop her and save the sick children?

Ooh!

OK, let's start.

Scene one. Interior hospital. Day.

Splendid.

Well, I don't see why we can't get in touch with your mother

and she'll pick you up and home you go.

Would you like that?

Excellent.

Doctor Grainger.

You have until next Tuesday to get rid of these sick children

and find somewhere else to live.

You won't get away with this, Trace Willoughby.

I'll fight you every step of the way, you heartless witch.

And I know how your husband died.

Ha! Conrad died of natural causes!

How can an axe to the back of the head be described as natural causes?

I have one thing to say to you, Doctor Grainger.

What?

♪ Fuck these bitches

♪ Fuck 'em in the ass on my private jet

♪ You're economy class

♪ Suck my titties I smoke your grass

♪ You'll be losing your mind when you're eating this ass... ♪

Why does she have to sing a song in every bloody episode?

It's supposed to be a serious drama.

Cos she's a singer, not an actress.

She's not even Brazilian.

She's Irish.

Well, then, why not hire a non-singing actress?

Like every other hospital show.

Wait here, Toast.

I got to get my painkillers out of the trunk.

Right.

Oh...!

Ooh...! Hey, man.

I don't have any money and...

..my mother will be back soon.

Jesus Christ!

Ha! He talks real funny.

Is he from the olden times?

Ew!

Look at all these creepy photos!

See you around, brother.

Must have left them on the gas station counter.

Goddamn it!

So, first show goes out tonight.

You excited?

Yeah.

Ah, give it a couple of weeks, people start kissing your ass

when you they see you, you'll know it's a hit!

♪ Ray... ♪

Good grief. Surely not.

♪ Ray... ♪

Oh...!

♪ Ah! ♪

Hey, Carmen.

What about those sick kids?

You're one shitty lady.

I don't care what you assholes think.

Why don't you go fuck yourselves?

Such language!

Not to mention, those poor sick children.

Who cares? I can get a billion dollars for that old building.

How do you like that, you weasel-faced witch?

But we all love you, Doctor Grainger.

You're my favourite on the show.

I'm not really Doctor Grainger.

It's a part. Play along, Toast.

They love it.

Hey, you two! Oh, yes!

Mwah!

Mm!

Oh, God, I love hugging people!

Yes, you do.

So, the show is a huge success.

Are you two getting great feedback?

Everyone loves a super bitch!

And I hear they love you, too, Steven.

Well, it's not me, is it? It's the character.

I've been wondering something, Steven, what is the whole story

behind the, uh... you know, the white?

I fell out of a tree,

like the Olympic swimmer, Duncan Goodhew.

OK, listen to this.

I got a letter from a couple who really love the show, uber fans,

but not only is the guy's mother a crazy super-duper fan of the show...

..but especially of you, Steven Toast.

Really?

Oh, I got to get this.

It's Rodrigos.

They have a small request.

Would you go and visit his mother in hospital?

She has not been well lately.

Are you serious? Doctor Grainger in an actual hospital?

It'll be great publicity for the show.

Rodrigos is gay!

I'm sorry?

Rodrigos is gay!

He just told me!

I am distraught!

I can't live with him any more!

Can I stay in your Beverly Hills place, please?

Of course.

No...

Steven, have you got the key to my apartment in Beverly Hills?

You haven't moved in yet, have you?

Well, I was planning on moving in today.

I packed all my belongings this morning.

Is the key in your apartment?

I think Carmen needs the place a bit more than you.

I mean, look at her.

He's gay!

We need that key. Oh...!

He has a boyfriend called Carlos!

They've been fucking for six months!

Toast!

Your stuff is still here. I thought you were moving out!

Who the hell are these two?!

You can't bring people here!

No-one should know where I am!

Yeah, this is Carmen, the pop legend.

How can you not know it's me?!

And this is Bell... I'm Bellender Bojangles.

I like to hug people when I meet them.

No, no, no. Oh, come on.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, he doesn't like close personal contact.

I say, Russ, you've trodden on her scarf.

Let me help with that.

Whoa!

Shit!

Oh!

Oh. That's lucky.

He landed on a soiled mattress.

Who is that old homeless man?

I don't believe it. My boy!

Not now, Dad. Just get off!

That's his father.

Get off!

Don't hug him! He doesn't like close personal contact!

Hey, Ma?

This here's Steven Toast.

You remember, you wrote him a letter?

She's a lot older than I expected.

She's 93.

She's been in and out of hospital constantly for the past, like,

what, 25 years. She fell down her steps last week.

Now she's completely fucked. Look at her.

We've had to visit her a lot.

I mean a lot. Way too much.

We're from New York, so it's a flight over here to see her.

It's a pain in the ass is what it is.

Yeah, but I imagine she can't help being ill.

Oh, yeah, right. OK, Steven!

Anyways, no point in hanging around.

The knob is there.

All you got to do is turn it to the right, and it'll all be over.

What?!

It was her last request. What was?

For you to turn off her life-support machine!

It was her dying wish!

Hey, look, time's tight here, honey. We got a plane to catch back home,

for the dogs, you know what I'm saying?

Hang on. What do the doctors think of this?

Oh...!

My mother hates the doctors, OK?

She could give two shits what they think.

She didn't want a doctor doing it.

She asked for you.

She loves that show you're in!

Don't do it...

She just said something. No...

I heard nothing. You hear something? I heard nothing.

No, nothing.

This is some dark shit.

I shouldn't even be here. What...?

Steven! Steven, where you going?!

You come back here!

Yeah, sure, it's odd, but the main thing is,

the show is a big success.

Yes, it is.

Maybe I should ask Bellender for a pay rise.

Well, they signed you up for two seasons,

we agreed the same fee for both.

You want more dollars, she'll have to change the contract.

Yeah, I can be pretty persuasive when I try.

Let me have a word with her.

Why are you dressed like a clown?

I'm celebrating. I'm a star now.

You said yourself, people love my character.

Yes, of course they do, Steven!

It's no secret that Carmen gets paid a hell of a lot more than I do,

and she's staying in your fancy mansion.

I'm sorry, the contract is legally binding,

and there's not a thing I can do about it.

Bloody irritating.

Come on. Give me a hug.

No, no, I'm not going to fall for that hug bullshit.

Come on.

Oh, you big bear of a man.

The show is a success.

What more could you want?

Oh. There is another issue I'd like to talk about.

What issue?

There is a chance... you may be arrested for murder.

What?!

That family who contacted you,

did you turn off their mother's life-support machine?

No, I bloody did not!

Well, she's dead now, so somebody did, without a doctor present,

which kind of makes it a criminal matter.

The family did it, they couldn't wait to get rid of her.

They say you did it.

No, they asked me to do it.

Poor old girl hadn't even seen the show.

If you were charged with murder, it would reflect badly on the show.

Not necessarily.

The LAPD are looking into it.

They say that there is footage of you fleeing the building.

Yeah, I was trying to get away from them.

I wouldn't mind, Steven.

But you're Doctor Grainger.

You're supposed to be the good guy.

I am the good guy.

Would you stop looking dubious?

Anyway, you can't fire me, I'm contracted for a second series.

And as you said yourself, it's legally binding.

Carmen!

You're three hours late, Steven.

Yeah, but I thought...

Since Rodrigos has left, now I am always on time.

OK, we've waited long enough. Let's start.

Scene one. Interior hospital. Night.

We see Trace Willoughby alone in the ward. It is late.

Doctor Grainger enters.

You wanted to see me, Mrs Willoughby? If it's about...

Trace Willoughby stabs Doctor Grainger with a knife.

He falls in a cowardly manner to the floor.

He lies there motionless,

like a piece of shit.

He's dead.

Very dead.

What?

Scene two.

Trace is with her attractive younger lover, Jim Buckstar,

played by Sonny-Sam Disco.

Thank God that dog-faced limey weasel

is finally out of the picture, darling.

Here's to us, baby.

I have big plans for making millions of dollars

by selling the hospital!

I know you do.

It's part of a long-term plan for world domination.

Can you imagine, the whole Trace Willoughby phenomenon

bigger than we've ever dreamed of.

I think I'd like an apartment in Paris...