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1
00:01:21,215 --> 00:01:27,485
Now I know what drove
Scott Fitzgerald to drink.
2
00:01:27,554 --> 00:01:28,920
What's that?
3
00:01:28,989 --> 00:01:33,458
A little piece of
paper that says
4
00:01:33,527 --> 00:01:38,129
"You drained your soul into
the typewriter for naught."
5
00:01:38,198 --> 00:01:40,438
Let me see. Let me see.
6
00:01:40,500 --> 00:01:42,879
It's from the Kenderson
Literary Agency.
7
00:01:42,903 --> 00:01:45,737
"Dear Mr. Ignatowski,
although your submission
8
00:01:45,806 --> 00:01:47,683
"was one of the most
interesting we've read,
9
00:01:47,707 --> 00:01:51,543
"unfortunately, it does not
suit our needs at this time.
10
00:01:51,611 --> 00:01:55,480
Therefore, we are returning your
M♪A♪S♪H script herewith."
11
00:01:55,549 --> 00:01:57,816
Oh! Ho-ho!
12
00:01:57,885 --> 00:01:59,495
You wrote a script for M♪A♪S♪H?
13
00:01:59,519 --> 00:02:02,987
I gave birth to a script
for M♪A♪S♪H...
14
00:02:03,056 --> 00:02:06,625
A great script.
15
00:02:06,693 --> 00:02:09,261
Well, Jim, what was it about?
16
00:02:09,330 --> 00:02:11,462
A simple story.
17
00:02:11,531 --> 00:02:14,299
I'm surprised they
haven't done it.
18
00:02:14,368 --> 00:02:18,970
Hawkeye has to perform
surgery on Colonel Potter,
19
00:02:19,038 --> 00:02:23,775
all the while being disrupted by
shelling from the North Koreans
20
00:02:23,844 --> 00:02:26,811
and a Zaxalonian starship.
21
00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:29,748
Oh, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
22
00:02:29,817 --> 00:02:32,350
Are you talking about
aliens from another planet?
23
00:02:32,419 --> 00:02:34,953
Yeah, the Zaxalonians.
24
00:02:36,957 --> 00:02:40,025
Their bodies are
the size of a grape.
25
00:02:43,263 --> 00:02:45,823
And here is where
the switch comes in.
26
00:02:47,467 --> 00:02:49,801
The queen of the Zaxalonians,
27
00:02:49,870 --> 00:02:53,405
disguised as an earring,
28
00:02:53,474 --> 00:02:55,207
falls in love with Klinger.
29
00:02:57,411 --> 00:02:59,077
Huh?
30
00:02:59,146 --> 00:03:02,213
Um... Well, how does it end?
31
00:03:02,282 --> 00:03:05,551
Comedy... tragedy...
32
00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:08,520
and a statement against war.
33
00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:13,057
And a pie fight.
34
00:03:13,126 --> 00:03:14,371
Hey, Reiger.
35
00:03:14,395 --> 00:03:15,527
Yeah.
36
00:03:15,596 --> 00:03:17,240
Uh, Jeff told me to tell you
37
00:03:17,264 --> 00:03:20,032
that he was picking up
some shipment of yours
38
00:03:20,100 --> 00:03:21,366
at the airport.
39
00:03:21,435 --> 00:03:23,802
Oh, thanks, Lou. Hey!
40
00:03:23,870 --> 00:03:26,037
I've got a surprise
for you guys.
41
00:03:26,106 --> 00:03:29,374
So guess who's going to be
licking my face in 15 minutes.
42
00:03:29,443 --> 00:03:31,943
Not me.
43
00:03:32,012 --> 00:03:33,312
Buddy. You got it!
44
00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:34,824
All right, Buddy! Hey! Buddy!
45
00:03:34,848 --> 00:03:36,959
Oh, Alex! How come you
didn't tell us Buddy was coming?
46
00:03:36,983 --> 00:03:38,795
I would have gotten
him a bone or something.
47
00:03:38,819 --> 00:03:40,185
I wanted to surprise you.
48
00:03:40,254 --> 00:03:42,531
Uh... name of Buddy,
49
00:03:42,555 --> 00:03:46,691
licks faces, likes bones.
50
00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:47,959
Buddy Hackett?
51
00:03:48,028 --> 00:03:50,361
No, no, no, not Buddy Hackett.
52
00:03:50,430 --> 00:03:52,831
No, no, no, no. Buddy's my dog.
53
00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:54,399
I raised him from a puppy.
54
00:03:54,467 --> 00:03:57,068
The last few years, I let
my sister take care of him.
55
00:03:57,137 --> 00:03:59,304
She's got this, uh,
backyard and kids, you know,
56
00:03:59,373 --> 00:04:00,772
for the dog to play with.
57
00:04:00,841 --> 00:04:01,973
But, well, he's gotten old,
58
00:04:02,042 --> 00:04:03,308
so I'm going to take him back
59
00:04:03,376 --> 00:04:04,788
and he's going to come and
live with me in my apartment.
60
00:04:04,812 --> 00:04:06,055
You're going to
love him, too, Jim.
61
00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:07,323
Yeah. This dog's really smart.
62
00:04:07,347 --> 00:04:10,415
This dog is the smartest
dog in the entire world.
63
00:04:11,818 --> 00:04:14,218
Now wait, wait, wait, Alex...
Alex, I mean, the dog is smart,
64
00:04:14,287 --> 00:04:16,299
but I don't think he's the
smartest dog in the whole world.
65
00:04:16,323 --> 00:04:17,623
Oh, yes he is.
66
00:04:17,691 --> 00:04:20,057
This dog is probably the
smartest dog that ever lived.
67
00:04:20,126 --> 00:04:22,193
Now, wait a minute, Alex.
68
00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:25,297
I've known a lot of
smart dogs in my time,
69
00:04:25,366 --> 00:04:28,400
so when you say you've got
the smartest dog that ever lived,
70
00:04:28,469 --> 00:04:30,914
I have to, I have to, I
have to call you on it.
71
00:04:30,938 --> 00:04:33,872
Ah... What does this dog do?
72
00:04:33,940 --> 00:04:36,675
You point your finger at
him like a gun, you go bang,
73
00:04:36,743 --> 00:04:38,843
he rolls over and plays dead.
74
00:04:40,346 --> 00:04:43,315
You must have stole
him from a circus!
75
00:04:43,383 --> 00:04:45,428
Ooh, I sure hope I
don't get an assignment
76
00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:47,285
before Buddy gets here.
77
00:04:47,354 --> 00:04:51,622
Buddy? You mean that shipment
you're expecting is Buddy?
78
00:04:51,691 --> 00:04:52,902
Yeah. Your dog?
79
00:04:52,926 --> 00:04:54,037
Yeah. The man-eater?
80
00:04:54,061 --> 00:04:55,126
What?
81
00:04:55,194 --> 00:04:56,895
I thought that wretched cur
82
00:04:56,964 --> 00:04:58,630
had been dead for years.
83
00:04:58,699 --> 00:05:00,098
Damn it!
84
00:05:00,167 --> 00:05:01,733
I slept better thinking
85
00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:04,102
that that mongrel was
roasting in doggie hell.
86
00:05:04,171 --> 00:05:05,303
He's vicious!
87
00:05:05,372 --> 00:05:06,382
He's not vicious. Oh, yeah?
88
00:05:06,406 --> 00:05:08,017
The last time he
was here, he bit me.
89
00:05:08,041 --> 00:05:09,608
You bit him first.
90
00:05:09,677 --> 00:05:11,321
Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it.
91
00:05:11,345 --> 00:05:13,589
I guarantee he's not going
to bite you again, all right?
92
00:05:13,613 --> 00:05:15,146
Oh, I don't know, Alex.
93
00:05:15,215 --> 00:05:17,648
Uh, they say that once
a dog has tasted slime...
94
00:05:19,252 --> 00:05:22,120
You won't be, won't be
making funny remarks, Nardo,
95
00:05:22,189 --> 00:05:25,924
when that dog's got his
fangs in your vocal cords.
96
00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:31,730
Reiger, that dog had better
be in a cage and muzzled
97
00:05:31,799 --> 00:05:33,543
because he is a hound of hell.
98
00:05:33,567 --> 00:05:34,899
He's a devil dog.
99
00:05:34,968 --> 00:05:36,068
Oh, come on.
100
00:05:39,106 --> 00:05:40,939
Hey, Alex, here's your dog.
101
00:05:41,008 --> 00:05:42,540
There's my Buddy.
102
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:46,311
Oh, Buddy. There's my Buddy.
103
00:05:46,379 --> 00:05:47,779
Hey. There's my Buddy.
104
00:05:48,949 --> 00:05:50,949
It is better to be
back with me, hmm?
105
00:06:10,804 --> 00:06:12,971
Hey, Bud.
106
00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:14,639
Buddy, Buddy, Buddy,
Buddy, Buddy, Buddy.
107
00:06:16,443 --> 00:06:17,763
Buddy, Buddy,
Buddy, Buddy, Buddy.
108
00:06:18,911 --> 00:06:19,978
How's my Buddy, huh?
109
00:06:20,047 --> 00:06:21,646
Come on, Buddy, come on.
110
00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,081
Come on, Buddy.
Come on, come on.
111
00:06:23,149 --> 00:06:25,083
Come on, come
on. Get yourself up.
112
00:06:25,152 --> 00:06:26,584
There you go.
113
00:06:26,653 --> 00:06:28,053
How's my Buddy, huh?
114
00:06:28,122 --> 00:06:29,320
You glad to see me?
115
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:30,989
Sure you are.
116
00:06:31,057 --> 00:06:35,560
Have you been up to mischief
today or were you a good dog?
117
00:06:35,628 --> 00:06:37,962
Were you a good dog today?
118
00:06:39,566 --> 00:06:40,632
Huh?
119
00:06:40,701 --> 00:06:44,135
Aren't you going to answer me?
120
00:06:44,204 --> 00:06:46,071
Aren't you going to
answer me, Buddy?
121
00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:49,307
Buddy, come on. I
know you can talk.
122
00:06:49,376 --> 00:06:51,142
Say, "Reiger."
123
00:06:51,211 --> 00:06:53,044
Reiger.
124
00:06:53,113 --> 00:06:55,080
Reiger.
125
00:06:56,549 --> 00:06:57,826
Come on, the "rrr"
and the "grr" are easy.
126
00:06:57,850 --> 00:06:58,995
All you gotta do
is put an 'E' in it.
127
00:06:59,019 --> 00:07:01,186
Reiger.
128
00:07:01,255 --> 00:07:03,755
You like it when I'm an
idiot to you, don't you?
129
00:07:03,823 --> 00:07:05,056
I love it.
130
00:07:05,124 --> 00:07:07,258
Huh? Oh.
131
00:07:07,327 --> 00:07:11,596
- Oh, hi, hi, Simka.
- Hi... Reiger.
132
00:07:11,665 --> 00:07:13,309
I didn't even realize
you were there.
133
00:07:13,333 --> 00:07:15,111
Don't worry about nothin', Alex.
134
00:07:15,135 --> 00:07:17,647
I not going to tell
nobody about this.
135
00:07:17,671 --> 00:07:19,382
If anybody finds out about this,
136
00:07:19,406 --> 00:07:22,874
it'll be because Buddy
can't keep his mouth shut.
137
00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:24,776
So, uh, what brings you here?
138
00:07:24,844 --> 00:07:27,745
Well, Alex, in my
country, it's a tradition
139
00:07:27,814 --> 00:07:32,083
that when a friend gets a
new beast, it must be blessed.
140
00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:35,286
Do I mind if I bless your beast?
141
00:07:35,355 --> 00:07:37,922
Well, no, I guess the,
uh, beast is agreeable.
142
00:07:37,991 --> 00:07:39,090
Sure.
143
00:07:39,158 --> 00:07:41,158
Good. Sure.
144
00:07:44,330 --> 00:07:47,933
Okay, stay there.
145
00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:49,534
All right.
146
00:07:49,603 --> 00:07:51,903
Keps!
147
00:07:51,971 --> 00:07:54,138
That's it?
148
00:07:54,207 --> 00:07:58,276
If you wanted a bigger blessing,
you should've got a elephant.
149
00:08:01,414 --> 00:08:03,080
Now, let's see this trick.
150
00:08:03,149 --> 00:08:04,315
What trick?
151
00:08:04,384 --> 00:08:07,351
You know, the trick
that Elaine told me about.
152
00:08:07,420 --> 00:08:10,055
You know, Alex, the greatest
trick that a dog ever did,
153
00:08:10,123 --> 00:08:12,657
the one where you, you
point your finger like a gun
154
00:08:12,726 --> 00:08:14,503
and you shoot Buddy
the Wonder Dog
155
00:08:14,527 --> 00:08:16,694
and he staggers, as
though mortally wounded,
156
00:08:16,763 --> 00:08:17,883
and then he spins around
157
00:08:17,931 --> 00:08:20,231
as if he's dying a
slow, agonizing death
158
00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:23,935
until he shudders, collapses,
breathes his last breath,
159
00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:25,270
falls over on his back,
160
00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:29,373
kicks all four legs up
into the air and dies.
161
00:08:29,442 --> 00:08:31,743
Oh, that trick.
162
00:08:31,812 --> 00:08:34,612
No, uh, I-I think it's
been exaggerated.
163
00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:37,281
I mean, basically, what I
do is I point my finger at him
164
00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:38,961
and he just lies
down on the floor.
165
00:08:38,985 --> 00:08:41,085
All right, I'm flexible.
166
00:08:41,154 --> 00:08:43,822
Well, well, you see, I, I've
been trying to get him to do it
167
00:08:43,891 --> 00:08:45,635
all day, but somehow
I think he's forgotten it.
168
00:08:45,659 --> 00:08:47,825
But, you know, he's an
old dog. He's 19 years old.
169
00:08:47,894 --> 00:08:50,595
You know how old
that is in dog years?
170
00:08:50,664 --> 00:08:52,463
Yeah, that's about 600.
171
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,065
It's 133.
172
00:08:54,134 --> 00:08:55,700
I said "about."
173
00:08:56,937 --> 00:08:58,336
What about this trick, Alex?
174
00:08:58,405 --> 00:08:59,437
Huh?
175
00:08:59,506 --> 00:09:00,983
Are you trying to
change the subject?
176
00:09:01,007 --> 00:09:04,142
Okay, the trick.
177
00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:05,710
Yeah! Okay.
178
00:09:05,779 --> 00:09:07,623
Come here, Buddy. Come here.
179
00:09:07,647 --> 00:09:09,614
There, just stay right there.
180
00:09:09,683 --> 00:09:10,849
Sit, sit, sit, sit.
181
00:09:10,917 --> 00:09:12,416
There's a good dog.
182
00:09:12,485 --> 00:09:14,085
Buddy, watch up now.
183
00:09:21,628 --> 00:09:24,329
Return with us now to the
thrilling days of yesteryear.
184
00:09:24,398 --> 00:09:26,679
Look out, Buddy! There's
one on the roof behind you.
185
00:09:26,732 --> 00:09:27,665
Look out! You can't see him!
186
00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:28,666
Oh! It's too late.
187
00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:30,668
Bang!
188
00:09:34,207 --> 00:09:38,943
Oh... What's wrong?
189
00:09:39,012 --> 00:09:41,879
Oh, Alex.
190
00:09:43,449 --> 00:09:46,684
You got such a stupid beast!
191
00:09:51,324 --> 00:09:53,135
So what's the matter
with Buddy, Doc?
192
00:09:53,159 --> 00:10:00,898
Uh, Alex, a dog is
like an automobile.
193
00:10:00,967 --> 00:10:03,167
No matter how well
you take care of it,
194
00:10:03,236 --> 00:10:05,403
eventually, the
parts will wear out.
195
00:10:05,472 --> 00:10:07,038
It breaks down.
196
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:09,274
Now, in a newer
car, it's usually just a,
197
00:10:09,343 --> 00:10:12,343
just a fan belt or a battery.
198
00:10:12,412 --> 00:10:15,646
But in an older car, it's more
likely to be something major,
199
00:10:15,715 --> 00:10:18,116
like the transmission.
200
00:10:18,185 --> 00:10:19,951
So what's wrong
with the dog, Doc?
201
00:10:20,020 --> 00:10:25,390
Is it a transmission or do
his paws need rotating?
202
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,893
Yes, that was a bad analogy.
203
00:10:32,098 --> 00:10:35,766
I think I should say that
a dog is, is like a wine.
204
00:10:35,835 --> 00:10:38,736
Yes, a French Burgundy,
205
00:10:38,805 --> 00:10:40,905
that has its peak
years... Doctor...
206
00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:42,307
and then, later on...
207
00:10:42,376 --> 00:10:44,586
Doctor, would you just tell
me when a dog is like a dog?
208
00:10:44,610 --> 00:10:50,081
In cold, stark terms, your
dog has advanced diabetes.
209
00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:52,516
His kidneys are
beginning to fail.
210
00:10:52,585 --> 00:10:57,555
He has some disorders of
the intestinal tract and bladder.
211
00:10:57,623 --> 00:11:00,658
I'm afraid he hasn't
much time left.
212
00:11:00,727 --> 00:11:02,694
How much time does he have?
213
00:11:02,763 --> 00:11:05,162
Well, I can't be sure.
214
00:11:05,231 --> 00:11:07,598
Could be two weeks.
Could be a month.
215
00:11:09,135 --> 00:11:11,936
And as difficult as it
is for me to say this,
216
00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:15,473
the logical thing to do is
to put him to sleep now.
217
00:11:22,582 --> 00:11:24,248
Is he in pain?
218
00:11:24,317 --> 00:11:25,482
No.
219
00:11:25,551 --> 00:11:26,796
Then you're not going
to put him to sleep.
220
00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:29,987
I'm going to make
his life worth living.
221
00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:34,437
As long as there's a
breath left in this dog,
222
00:11:34,461 --> 00:11:36,305
you're not going to
put this dog to sleep.
223
00:11:36,329 --> 00:11:37,540
He's going to be
the happiest dog
224
00:11:37,564 --> 00:11:38,807
that ever walked the
streets of New York City,
225
00:11:38,831 --> 00:11:40,165
I'll tell you that.
226
00:11:40,233 --> 00:11:41,677
And I don't want to hear any
more about putting him to sleep.
227
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:42,778
I don't want to hear you mention
228
00:11:42,802 --> 00:11:43,946
putting him to sleep.
You understand?
229
00:11:43,970 --> 00:11:45,481
Now, Mr. Reiger,
you're obviously upset.
230
00:11:45,505 --> 00:11:48,105
I am not upset, so
don't call me upset!
231
00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:50,887
I'm in perfect control
of my faculties.
232
00:11:50,911 --> 00:11:52,751
I know exactly what I'm doing.
233
00:11:54,981 --> 00:11:57,114
I know, I know! I did
it to amuse the dog.
234
00:11:57,183 --> 00:11:58,917
He happens to like humor.
235
00:11:58,985 --> 00:12:01,652
You love it, Buddy?
Come on, Buddy.
236
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,788
You like funny stuff, don't you?
237
00:12:08,795 --> 00:12:11,035
You want another doggie candy?
Want another doggie candy?
238
00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:13,208
Okay, but first you have to
lie dead; you have to lay dead.
239
00:12:13,232 --> 00:12:17,702
Come on, bang, bang, bang.
240
00:12:17,770 --> 00:12:20,472
Oh, well, what
the hell? Have one.
241
00:12:21,808 --> 00:12:23,920
You like being alive,
don't you, Buddy, huh?
242
00:12:23,944 --> 00:12:25,744
Don't you? Yeah.
243
00:12:25,812 --> 00:12:28,379
No more till after
dinner; that's it.
244
00:12:29,882 --> 00:12:32,950
Stay there.
245
00:12:33,019 --> 00:12:35,164
No more of this cold dog
food straight out of the can
246
00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:37,655
for you, my friend. Uh-uh!
247
00:12:37,723 --> 00:12:41,726
I'm warming it up for doggie.
248
00:12:41,795 --> 00:12:44,062
And a little cheese.
249
00:12:44,130 --> 00:12:45,663
A little wine.
250
00:12:49,202 --> 00:12:51,402
Mmm, mmm!
251
00:12:51,471 --> 00:12:55,473
Oh, it's so good.
252
00:12:55,542 --> 00:12:57,175
You want to taste it?
253
00:12:57,243 --> 00:12:59,843
Here, taste this.
254
00:13:01,047 --> 00:13:03,347
What do you think? Hmm?
255
00:13:03,416 --> 00:13:05,594
A bit more oregano?
Just what I was thinking.
256
00:13:09,288 --> 00:13:11,622
Oh, look who's here. It's Shawn.
257
00:13:11,691 --> 00:13:13,135
Hi, Alex. Hi, Shawn.
258
00:13:13,159 --> 00:13:15,193
Shawn, I don't think you
ever met my dog Buddy.
259
00:13:15,261 --> 00:13:18,029
Buddy, this is Shawn.
260
00:13:18,098 --> 00:13:20,442
She's going to be
around a lot more.
261
00:13:20,466 --> 00:13:22,645
I hope, I hope, I
hope, I hope, I hope.
262
00:13:22,669 --> 00:13:23,901
How about a kiss?
263
00:13:23,970 --> 00:13:25,436
Sure, he likes people.
264
00:13:25,505 --> 00:13:27,905
Hey! Nah.
265
00:13:27,974 --> 00:13:29,934
Hey, come on. Let
me take your coat.
266
00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:31,809
And, uh, I'll put a record on.
267
00:13:31,878 --> 00:13:33,811
Ah!
268
00:13:36,216 --> 00:13:38,283
Ooh, this smells delicious.
269
00:13:38,351 --> 00:13:39,717
I didn't know you cooked.
270
00:13:42,221 --> 00:13:44,655
That stuff on the
stove is, uh, dog food.
271
00:13:44,724 --> 00:13:48,893
Don't be modest.
This is excellent.
272
00:13:48,962 --> 00:13:51,362
No, really, it's dog
food. It's for my dog.
273
00:13:51,431 --> 00:13:53,530
It's my... Oh, no.
274
00:13:53,599 --> 00:13:57,534
It-it-it's... That's for my dog.
275
00:13:57,603 --> 00:14:00,204
Oh, come on, Alex,
there's wine in here and...
276
00:14:00,273 --> 00:14:01,350
No, no, really.
277
00:14:01,374 --> 00:14:02,574
It's been heated and seasoned.
278
00:14:02,608 --> 00:14:04,520
No, really, it... This
is the main ingredient.
279
00:14:04,544 --> 00:14:06,477
Dog food.
280
00:14:07,914 --> 00:14:10,425
Hey, hey, hey, come on, come
on, you liked it a minute ago.
281
00:14:10,449 --> 00:14:13,009
And, besides, there's
nothing disgusting in here.
282
00:14:13,052 --> 00:14:14,663
Just read it. Look, here.
283
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:18,355
Fish by-products,
artificial caramel coloring
284
00:14:18,424 --> 00:14:20,224
and pork organs.
285
00:14:20,293 --> 00:14:24,862
Oh, my... God.
286
00:14:24,931 --> 00:14:28,966
Nobody should
eat that stuff. Eh...
287
00:14:29,035 --> 00:14:31,075
No more of that stuff
for you, my doggie.
288
00:14:31,104 --> 00:14:32,870
No sirree, Bob!
289
00:14:32,939 --> 00:14:37,108
From now on, it's prime
rib and Chateaubriand and...
290
00:14:37,177 --> 00:14:38,776
Alex! Huh?
291
00:14:38,845 --> 00:14:41,812
Oh, I'm sorry. Uh...
292
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:44,159
You see, my-my
dog is a very old dog.
293
00:14:44,183 --> 00:14:46,562
He's, uh... He hasn't
got much time left.
294
00:14:46,586 --> 00:14:48,597
He's probably got about
two weeks to a month
295
00:14:48,621 --> 00:14:51,622
and I just want to
make him happy.
296
00:14:51,691 --> 00:14:53,190
That's why your
apartment looks like
297
00:14:53,259 --> 00:14:55,259
a testing lab for
Hartz Mountain.
298
00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:56,727
Oh, hey, come on.
299
00:14:56,796 --> 00:14:58,440
Just because I'm trying
to make him happy
300
00:14:58,464 --> 00:14:59,942
doesn't mean I can't
make you happy.
301
00:14:59,966 --> 00:15:01,677
Come on, sit down.
302
00:15:01,701 --> 00:15:04,802
Sit down.
303
00:15:06,071 --> 00:15:07,604
Oh, you look great.
You look great.
304
00:15:07,673 --> 00:15:11,608
Mmm...
305
00:15:15,681 --> 00:15:19,350
Hey, I bet you there's a great
old movie on the tube tonight.
306
00:15:19,418 --> 00:15:21,397
Why can't we just
go out to a movie?
307
00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:23,788
Oh, no, no, no, I can't.
I can't leave him alone.
308
00:15:23,856 --> 00:15:25,456
He's got a weak bladder.
309
00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:32,930
You know, uh, Alex, we'd
only be gone a couple of hours.
310
00:15:32,999 --> 00:15:35,278
He couldn't possibly
do that much.
311
00:15:35,302 --> 00:15:37,335
Oh, yes, he could.
312
00:15:37,404 --> 00:15:40,071
Sometimes, when I come
home, there's a rainbow in here.
313
00:15:43,009 --> 00:15:45,569
Okay, okay, we can watch TV.
314
00:15:45,611 --> 00:15:47,055
Oh, goody, goody,
goody. Did you hear that?
315
00:15:47,079 --> 00:15:48,519
We're going to
watch TV tonight, dog.
316
00:15:49,749 --> 00:15:52,783
Ah, is there any particular
show that Buddy likes?
317
00:15:52,852 --> 00:15:54,930
Uh, yeah, actually he
likes the Letterman show,
318
00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:58,289
but he complains about
too many commercials.
319
00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:04,328
You know, Alex,
320
00:16:04,397 --> 00:16:08,165
I'm sorry I was a little
upset earlier, but, uh,
321
00:16:08,234 --> 00:16:10,901
I got to tell you,
eating dog food
322
00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:14,905
isn't exactly a great
way to start an evening.
323
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,474
Hey, these are great!
324
00:16:16,542 --> 00:16:19,544
Huh? Oh, no, uh...
325
00:16:19,612 --> 00:16:21,646
Yeah, that's-that's
what I've been told.
326
00:16:24,617 --> 00:16:25,860
You haven't tasted them?
327
00:16:25,884 --> 00:16:27,229
No, I-I... Come on, try one.
328
00:16:27,253 --> 00:16:30,588
No, I-I... Come on. For me?
329
00:16:32,525 --> 00:16:35,259
No, I-I don't really like them.
330
00:16:35,327 --> 00:16:36,472
I... Come on, Alex.
331
00:16:36,496 --> 00:16:38,162
Ah, nah... Oh.
332
00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:42,233
Have another. Whoo.
333
00:16:42,302 --> 00:16:46,737
No, no...
334
00:16:46,806 --> 00:16:49,006
I'm sorry. You can't
have any of these, Buddy.
335
00:16:49,075 --> 00:16:51,808
These are people food.
336
00:16:51,877 --> 00:16:54,144
Oh, hi, how's Buddy?
337
00:16:54,213 --> 00:16:56,180
Well, look for yourself.
He's a new dog.
338
00:16:56,248 --> 00:16:58,749
See how frisky he is?
Frisk, frisk, frisk, frisk.
339
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:01,251
What's that dog doing
here again, Reiger?
340
00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:02,498
Uh, look, Louie, uh...
341
00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:04,688
When I'm driving
around in the cab all day,
342
00:17:04,757 --> 00:17:06,569
well, that's eight hours
that I'm not with him,
343
00:17:06,593 --> 00:17:08,874
so, uh, I want to take him
in the cab with me, okay?
344
00:17:08,928 --> 00:17:10,061
Forget it.
345
00:17:10,129 --> 00:17:12,930
Look, I got a suggestion.
You wanna hear it?
346
00:17:12,999 --> 00:17:14,132
Yeah.
347
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:15,478
Why don't you take
him in for a shot
348
00:17:15,502 --> 00:17:17,134
of "go to sleep, my doggie"?
349
00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:19,014
Oh, no. Louie, no.
350
00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:21,250
Louie...
351
00:17:21,274 --> 00:17:23,373
Hey, wait a minute!
Wait a minute!
352
00:17:23,442 --> 00:17:25,154
What about Marino? Remember him?
353
00:17:25,178 --> 00:17:27,022
You let him take
his dog in the cab.
354
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:29,012
That was different.
355
00:17:29,081 --> 00:17:30,747
It was a Seeing Eye dog.
356
00:17:30,816 --> 00:17:32,650
Marino was blind?!
357
00:17:32,719 --> 00:17:34,185
Legally blind.
358
00:17:34,254 --> 00:17:35,953
He could still sort of see.
359
00:17:36,022 --> 00:17:37,989
The dog barked at red lights.
360
00:17:38,058 --> 00:17:39,323
It was during the strike.
361
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:41,472
I tried it out for a
week. It didn't work.
362
00:17:44,497 --> 00:17:47,198
Well, if you can't
bend the rules a little,
363
00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:49,466
I'll just have to take
a leave of absence.
364
00:17:49,535 --> 00:17:50,813
Come on, Alex. No, Alex.
365
00:17:50,837 --> 00:17:51,880
What're you going to do,
start missing paychecks
366
00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:52,948
for the dog now?
367
00:17:52,972 --> 00:17:54,805
I don't care! I made
a promise to Buddy
368
00:17:54,874 --> 00:17:56,240
and I'm going to keep it.
369
00:17:56,309 --> 00:18:00,411
Alex, look, it's perfectly
all right that, you know,
370
00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:02,624
you want him to live out his
natural life and everything,
371
00:18:02,648 --> 00:18:04,659
I mean, and it's wonderful
that you want him to be happy,
372
00:18:04,683 --> 00:18:07,485
but don't you think you're
getting a little excessive?
373
00:18:07,554 --> 00:18:08,997
You're saying I should
put this dog to sleep?
374
00:18:09,021 --> 00:18:11,000
No! No, we love Buddy.
375
00:18:11,024 --> 00:18:12,024
Why not?
376
00:18:13,326 --> 00:18:16,327
Look, the dog is senile, Reiger.
377
00:18:16,395 --> 00:18:17,828
I mean, look at him.
378
00:18:17,897 --> 00:18:19,730
His brain has turned to Alpo.
379
00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:23,011
Reiger,
380
00:18:23,035 --> 00:18:25,836
look, maybe you don't want
to face the truth about Buddy,
381
00:18:25,905 --> 00:18:28,705
but look, look, that dog
doesn't even know where he is.
382
00:18:28,774 --> 00:18:29,974
How do you know that?
383
00:18:30,043 --> 00:18:32,710
How does anyone know that?
384
00:18:32,778 --> 00:18:36,580
How can anyone say when
to... when you put a dog to sleep?
385
00:18:36,649 --> 00:18:39,317
How can anyone say if
the dog is alert or not?
386
00:18:39,385 --> 00:18:42,586
There's no way to find out
what's in that head right now.
387
00:18:42,655 --> 00:18:44,132
Except one. Except one!
388
00:18:44,156 --> 00:18:45,789
What? What?
389
00:18:45,858 --> 00:18:49,693
Have Buddy do that trick.
390
00:18:49,762 --> 00:18:53,731
Very interesting idea.
391
00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:56,501
Let's see him do the trick.
392
00:19:02,107 --> 00:19:04,308
Okay, he'll do the trick.
393
00:19:04,377 --> 00:19:06,054
Alex, you know he
couldn't... No. Come on.
394
00:19:06,078 --> 00:19:07,477
No, he'll do the trick.
395
00:19:10,216 --> 00:19:11,496
If he doesn't do it,
396
00:19:11,550 --> 00:19:13,595
I'll walk out of here
right now with the dog.
397
00:19:13,619 --> 00:19:16,065
But if he does it, he
goes with me in my cab.
398
00:19:16,089 --> 00:19:18,649
And what's more,
I'll let him drive.
399
00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:24,394
I know you can do it.
400
00:19:31,737 --> 00:19:34,149
Return with us now to the
thrilling days of yesteryear.
401
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:38,576
That's five aces you
got there, partner.
402
00:19:38,645 --> 00:19:41,345
You know what we do to
cheats in Dodge City, don't you?
403
00:19:42,582 --> 00:19:43,725
Up.
404
00:19:43,749 --> 00:19:45,816
You... Bang!
405
00:19:51,658 --> 00:19:53,769
All right! Yes! Yay, Buddy!
406
00:19:53,793 --> 00:19:55,938
That's the best...
- All right, Alex.
407
00:19:55,962 --> 00:19:58,929
He did it.
408
00:20:00,900 --> 00:20:02,032
Dog did it.
409
00:20:07,539 --> 00:20:10,641
That is the best dog trick ever.
410
00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:14,579
I've never seen
anything so convincing.
411
00:20:20,552 --> 00:20:22,019
Uh-oh.
412
00:20:30,830 --> 00:20:32,110
Buddy? Buddy!
413
00:20:34,500 --> 00:20:39,102
Buddy? Buddy.
414
00:20:39,171 --> 00:20:41,016
Good dog.
415
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:43,274
Oh! Oh, Buddy!
416
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:49,525
You did it! You did it!
417
00:20:51,984 --> 00:20:54,184
I'll be taking cab 134, Lou.
418
00:20:54,253 --> 00:20:57,387
See you guys after
the shift for a beer.
419
00:20:57,456 --> 00:20:59,416
Come on, Buddy,
we'll split the tips.
420
00:21:08,301 --> 00:21:09,500
What are you doing back here?
421
00:21:09,568 --> 00:21:11,435
You still got four
hours left on your shift.
422
00:21:11,504 --> 00:21:13,537
Yeah, well, I'm quitting early.
423
00:21:13,606 --> 00:21:15,706
You're quitting early?!
424
00:21:15,775 --> 00:21:18,542
You know, Reiger,
ever since I let you
425
00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:20,244
take that mutt in the cab,
426
00:21:20,312 --> 00:21:22,813
you been breaking
rules right and left.
427
00:21:24,383 --> 00:21:26,450
Where is the old fleabag?
428
00:21:26,519 --> 00:21:28,452
He died.
429
00:21:32,091 --> 00:21:34,425
He died?
430
00:21:34,493 --> 00:21:37,961
You mean he died in the cab?
431
00:21:38,030 --> 00:21:40,397
No, Louie, he died at the vet's.
432
00:21:40,466 --> 00:21:43,267
He was asleep in
the cab and, uh...
433
00:21:43,336 --> 00:21:46,336
I stopped off to get
myself a cup of coffee
434
00:21:46,405 --> 00:21:49,140
and, uh, him a donut...
435
00:21:49,208 --> 00:21:52,710
And when he woke up,
he didn't look too good,
436
00:21:52,779 --> 00:21:55,145
so I rushed him
over to the vet's.
437
00:21:55,214 --> 00:21:57,381
And he died?
438
00:21:57,450 --> 00:21:59,183
Yeah.
439
00:21:59,251 --> 00:22:00,750
Oh. God.
440
00:22:00,819 --> 00:22:04,032
Oh... I don't know what to say.
441
00:22:04,056 --> 00:22:05,300
I don't know what to do.
442
00:22:05,324 --> 00:22:07,884
I'm so awkward
in these situations.
443
00:22:09,462 --> 00:22:13,663
Um, uh, Reiger's
got to be alone!
444
00:22:13,732 --> 00:22:15,644
Every-Everybody, out of here.
445
00:22:15,668 --> 00:22:17,813
Come on, come on, let's
show a little sensitivity.
446
00:22:17,837 --> 00:22:19,147
Get your butts out of here!
447
00:22:19,171 --> 00:22:20,371
Come on. Come on.
448
00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:22,440
Come on, come on.
Go on, go on, go on.
449
00:22:25,745 --> 00:22:27,222
Let me buy you a cup of coffee.
450
00:22:27,246 --> 00:22:29,012
I have a cup of coffee.
451
00:22:29,081 --> 00:22:30,224
Well, let me give
you the quarter back.
452
00:22:30,248 --> 00:22:31,949
I don't want your quarter.
453
00:22:32,018 --> 00:22:33,895
Let-Let me buy you
another cup of coffee.
454
00:22:33,919 --> 00:22:35,018
Louie, please.
455
00:22:35,087 --> 00:22:36,386
I'm a big boy.
456
00:22:36,455 --> 00:22:38,222
It wasn't like he
was a human being.
457
00:22:38,290 --> 00:22:41,692
He was a dog; just a
dog. And the dog died.
458
00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:43,693
Yeah.
459
00:22:45,264 --> 00:22:46,464
All right.
460
00:22:46,532 --> 00:22:51,568
I'll go call them and
get them back in here.
461
00:24:03,109 --> 00:24:04,586
Good night, Mr. Walters!
30872
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